Moments
by TheHauntedTwilight
Summary: An emison story. Detailing the moments in their lives that mattered and brought them together. The heartbreak, the fear, the love. Covering first meetings, the kissing rock, miss me x100 and more. No "fade to black" here. Adult content.
1. The spark

**Authors note. Hello :) I am fairly new to writing fanfiction, but I hope you like this story. This will be completely emison and will be a series of moments throughout their lives together. The following chapters will cover first meetings, the kissing rock, the infamous love scene in miss me x100… all those pesky "fade to black" moments. There will also be moments we haven't heard about yet, and how I think they could have happened. This story will be M rated please be warned. There will be sexual content. **

The first spark 

Love has an uncanny ability to sneak up on you and punch you in the stomach. Hard.

Sometimes, you only have to see something once; have one moment...one second, to fall so unimaginably hard in love with someone, that if all the stars in all the universe were to fit inside your heart, it still wouldn't burn as bright as the fire you have for them.

All it took for Emily Fields to fall in love with Alison DiLaurentis was a smile.

Emily had been sitting in class, chewing on a pen nervously as she prepared to share her book report with her English class. Her friend Spencer Hastings was currently giving a glowing review of the book _Stone_ _Cold_. It was her turn to go up next; and she couldn't have been less prepared. Following Spencer was already bad enough, the girl was like a walking encyclopaedia…_literally_. She had meant to read the book at the weekend; but her father had arrived home from the army unexpectedly to see her and her mother as a surprise, and had whisked them away on an impromptu trip to Cape May. Too much cotton candy, rides, and "family time" had resulted in Emily only half skim-reading the book in the car on the way home.

Emily had begged Spencer on their walk to school together to drag her report out as much as possible and Spencer had – after much scolding about how homework equals good grades – agreed to take as much time as she could to read out her paper. The good thing about having a friend like Spencer was: she might scold you for being lazy, but she would never let you down. Spencer had already "dropped" her notes twice now and had spent an agonisingly long time sorting them back into order, much to the irritation of Mrs. Matthews who was looking increasingly bored with the "I'm sorry I lost my place" comments that Spencer was making. It was getting very obvious that she would have to wrap up her report soon before their irritated English teacher just skipped straight to the next person. Which was Emily.

There were only ten minutes to go until the end of class and Emily wasn't sure Spencer could hold out much longer. The brunette continued to chew her pen anxiously until she heard a small but audible crack and realised she was practically in danger of splitting the cartridge and getting the ink in her mouth if she chewed it any harder. Well, at least then she would have an excuse not to read out her paper; she wouldn't be able to speak. She dropped the pen onto her notepad in frustration, and watched as it rolled off her desk and onto the floor. She sighed in frustration and reached down to pick it up from where it was resting against the leg of the desk to the right of her. Just as her hand was about to grab it, another hand got in the way first, snatching it up.

Emily's heart back flipped in a way she had never felt before in her entire life. Holding her pen in their perfectly manicured hand was the most beautiful girl Emily had ever seen. _How_ _on_ _earth_ had she not noticed this person before? She had no idea if the girl was new to the school or if she simply hadn't seen her around before but she figured it was the former as she would have _certainly_ noticed somebody who was as beautiful as this walking around. A pair of bright blue eyes sparkled at her. The girl had a heart shaped face, and her hair was a golden tone of sun kissed perfection, flowing down past her shoulders in effortless waves. The gorgeous blonde pushed a lock of it casually behind her ear as she held the pen out to Emily from across the aisle; holding her chair slightly as she leaned across the gap to pass it to the brunette. Emily was awe struck. She literally felt like someone had bolted her entire body to the chair. It took her a couple of seconds to realise she was just sitting there staring absently at the girl who probably now thought she was completely stupid. Emily cleared her throat and quietly stammered "I…um…thanks" as she reached over and took the pen from the blonde. Their fingertips brushed ever so slightly and her breath caught in her throat as she felt something she had never felt before stir in the pit of her stomach. She quickly shifted back into her seat, her cheeks now flushed with red.

"No problem sweetie" the blonde chuckled, a mischievous glint in her eye as she smiled sweetly at the brunette. Emily smiled back and the blonde then turned her eyes back to the front of the class.

Spencer kept to her word, she dragged the report out for the entire last quarter of the class; even though the book report was now the furthest thing from Emily's mind. An _asteroid_ could have hit outside and Emily wouldn't have noticed. She was pretending to take notes, her hair covering her face; but her eyes kept creeping over to look at the blonde out of the corner of her eye. Her pulse raced as she tried to focus on the class, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't focus on anything else other than this enigma sitting next to her. This was the _strangest_ sensation that Emily had ever felt. She didn't know what these feelings were at the time of course, she was too young; but in that moment, when she first locked eyes with Alison, she felt her soul for the very first time, flaring like the sun inside her body.

In the years after, when Alison was dead, and the fire had raged through her body in grief, burning away all the cracked pieces of her broken heart; it was that smile which still haunted her dreams.

**Authors Note**

**I hope you liked this first chapter. It was short and sweet but you know Alison, she always starts out sweet ;) if you liked it (or you didn't) then please do review and let me know your thoughts I could really use the feedback as I'm quite new to all this. I am writing the next series of "moments" as we speak so if anyone is actually interested in reading more I would really like to know as I'm quite excited to share my version of emisons journey with you all :) thank you for reading.**


	2. Crush

Crush

Have you ever loved someone so much that the weight of it could crush you? Every look, every sigh, every movement your body makes feels weighed down with an impossible pressure.

That's how Emily felt every time Alison spoke, or laughed, or flicked her hair. They had been friends for a few months now and Emily was beginning to become confused. What had started out as a spark at their first meeting had spiralled quickly into an explosion of joy and excitement every time Ali was near her, and she was starting to worry that these feelings weren't normal. She felt dirty, like a secret had somehow crept inside her body and taken root against her will. There was something wrong with her, she knew it in her heart, but wouldn't quite admit it. She didn't even realise what that secret was at the time, she just knew it existed, as corporeal as the sun in the sky. There was something strange going on.

She left her house in a hurry, slamming the door quickly behind her as she pulled her bag over her shoulder. Today was a really special day for Emily, she was trying out for the Sharks swim team, and if she made it through the whole day without fainting from nerves, she would be happy. All she needed to do was show up, swim, and wait. Not too hard right? She knew she was a good swimmer, a great swimmer even, but she was anxious to get this day over and done with. She made it to the end of her path and waited.

This was always the best part of the day. At the end of school there were always so many people around, making plans, talking, deciding to walk half the way home with you; and it was annoying sometimes. Why couldn't people just go their own way? But in the morning, it was just her and Ali. They usually skipped a ride from Emily's mother every Thursday and walked the long way round to the school. Emily was pretty sure that this was because every Thursday at the bike store Matt Harris was _always_ out front, usually shirtless, fiddling with the tyres on the tarmac. Ali would usually make a big show of herself; like a peacock, Emily thought, and saunter up to the front of the shop, pretending to be interested in cars. Emily always hung back a bit when she did this. It made her shy to talk to people she didn't know, especially boys, and this boy was a lot older than her and Ali.

Deep down Emily knew that Ali was probably only asking her to walk to school so she could use her as a prop to talk to boys; but still, it felt nice to be needed by Ali. She felt special. Alison had a way of making you feel like you were the most important person in the whole world…and sometimes that you weren't. It depended what mood or situation you were in with her, but most of the time if you were spending time with Ali, she was usually getting something out of it. It wasn't that she used people, it was just that, well…sometimes she did. The thing was, Emily didn't mind being used. She knew she should; but when she was alone with Alison, it felt like she was unique. She knew how Alison sometimes treated others, but Emily always felt there was something more between them, like their friendship was stronger than everyone else's. Otherwise, she would ask Hanna or Aria to walk to school with her on a Thursday, right? But she didn't, it was always Emily. The brunette smiled inwardly as she waited for Ali to show up. This was _their_ secret. Nobody knew Ali had a crush on Matt apart from Emily. Ali hadn't said it out loud to her, but she was pretty obvious about it. Every Thursday her hair would be that extra bit shinier, her makeup absolutely immaculate and she almost always had a brand new outfit.

Emily was starting to get cold, she was just considering going back inside for a warmer jacket when she noticed Ali finally walk out from behind the tree line in front of the neighbours house. Emily smiled widely at Alison and started to walk towards her.

"Hey girlie." Ali waved in a nonchalant manner and crossed the road towards Emily.

"Hey Ali" Emily responded sweetly, shifting her bag and falling into place beside Ali.

The two walked off in the direction of the back path, bumping shoulders casually as their bodies fell into a close rhythm. Emily could feel Ali's hand just an inch from her own, and sometimes when they would talk, Ali would bump their fingers together, and grab Emily's fingers when she was being particularly enthusiastic. Emily felt a jolt of happiness every time she did this.

The sun was hot in the sky and the brunette was glad she didn't bring another jacket after all. She looked up at the sun and sighed.

"God Ali if it gets any hotter I'll have no energy to swim later."

"Oh you don't need to swim" she replied. "You should totally just make out with coach Connor, he'll let you straight on the team!" She laughed and tossed her hair back. Emily gasped and turned to look at her.

"What! Eww he's like forty or something that's gross!" She exclaimed. She liked swimming but there was no _way_ she liked it _that_ much. Emily giggled at the same time as Ali.

"Oh come on, I can totally imagine the two of you making out in the dusty old gym room, he's older, you know…so he'd totally have experience" Ali countered. She put her arms all the way around her body and made pretend kissing noises. "Ooh Emily let me show you what a real breast stroke is...mwah, mwah, mwah"

The idea of kissing the grizzly old swim coach was so gross. As if she would ever touch coach Connor. The thought made her want to retch. Emily made audible gagging noises and pretended to throw up. Both girls burst into laughter. Ali playfully shoved Emily away from her as the two girls giggled harder and then as Emily swung back into stride beside her she reached casually over and grasped Emily's little finger in the tip of her own as they walked. Emily's heart did a small flutter inside her body. She was holding hands with Alison…well, almost. Their little fingers were linked. Emily couldn't help but think it was quite cute the way they were just strolling along swinging their arms slightly, their fingers just barely holding on. Ali looked playful and content. The two girls came to the end of the path to where it turned off into a slightly more wooded area. After a few minuets silence, Ali continued their conversation, only this time she didn't have the teasing tone she had before.

"Anyway Emily…if you did kiss coach Connor, which, by the way, ew. He'd be your first, right?" She asked slyly. Her head turned towards the brunette and she looked quizzically up at her with a slant of her eyes.

Alison always had this way of getting information out of you, even if you didn't want to give it. She would ask you things in a particular way. Emily couldn't help but notice that Alison was like a panther, she would look at you with a hunters expression, wanting answers from her prey. Emily wasn't really sure how to answer. She didn't exactly want to admit that she hadn't kissed a boy before; she was afraid of the response she would get. What if Alison made fun of her…or told everyone. But no, Alison wouldn't do that, she reminded herself. Ali was her friend, she was only asking because she was curious. Still, a pang of nervous tension swirled in her stomach.

She was sure Alison had kissed a ton of boys before…she had probably done more than kiss them too, come to think of it. Emily didn't realise how much she actually had thought about it until that moment. Truthfully, all of the times she had seen Ali walk up to Matt at the tyre place, she had imagined them kissing…and as she watched from further back on the sidewalk, she had daydreamed about what that would be like. The strange thing was, when she watched them talk, and flirt, and imagined them kissing…it wasn't ever Matt who she was imagining, it was Alison. It was always a question of_ "I wonder what it's like to kiss Alison DiLaurentis"_ playing through her mind. Emily had chalked that up to her just not being into Matt. She kept finding reasons in her head to not find him attractive. What did Alison even see in him? He was older, sure, and he had a nice body…but there was nothing special about him. Ali was gorgeous, and far too good for him, she could see why Matt might want to kiss her. That's all it was…she was just trying to protect her friend. If Ali went with someone like him she might get hurt. She needs to find someone better than that, someone who would love and protect her always. So, Emily thought; if he wasn't worth being with then there's no reason she should waste her kisses on him, is there? Emily's mind would often wander and go off on tangents like this. Her mind would think up scenarios and then convince herself out of them.

The thought of Ali kissing Matt sent an unusual feeling through Emily's body. She could sense herself becoming tense every time she thought about the two of them in detail. She shouldn't even be thinking about it at all, it wasn't her business. But Ali obviously wanted to know about Emily so maybe it was okay for Emily to wonder about Alison. If Ali was asking her questions about boys then maybe she imagined Emily kissing them the same way Emily imagined her. Maybe it was normal to think this way…maybe she was just being curious. After all, they were best friends, so shouldn't they be able to talk to each other about these things?

"Hello…earth to Emily" Alison waved her hand in front of Emily's face quickly as Emily realised she had stopped walking and had been standing still, staring at Alison.

"Uh…yeah." She answered. "I guess if I _were_ to kiss coach Connor…" Emily continued, making a face as she said the coaches name, "it would be my first…you know, kiss...so yeah." She stammered. Her face flushed red and she looked down shyly.

"You probably think that's lame. I bet you've kissed loads of boys" Emily said quietly after a couple of seconds.

"Jeez thanks Em! I'm not some kiss slut you know!" Ali retorted sharply, but with a smile.

Emily stammered. "No, no! I didn't mean it like that Ali." She felt terrible. She hadn't meant to imply that Ali was a slut at all. She really hoped she hadn't offended her. She continued "I just meant…you know, you've probably had a lot more experience than I have. You're…much prettier than me, you're confident, I bet loads of boys want to kiss you. Why wouldn't they?"

Ali gave Emily a sweet smile, and she sighed softly. "Oh Em. I'm not as confident as I might seem you know."

"You're not? Ali, you always seem so..." She gestured with her towards the blonde, not knowing quite how to continue.

"Well that's just it" Ali stated, looking like she didn't know how to explain what she was about to say. She chose her next words carefully so that Emily would understand. "It works because it _seems_ to be a certain way. That's the whole point. If people see you fidgeting all the time and stuttering and nervous, they're going to _know_ you're scared. If you show fear, you show everyone you're weak. It's about making people _believe_ you're confident…it doesn't necessarily mean you really are."

"So...you get scared too?" Emily asked.

Alison lowered her voice to a serious tone. "If you're not scared, then it isn't real. Everyone gets scared Em. That's how you know what you're feeling is real…it _terrifies_ you" her voice broke off a little at the end. She looked almost sad as she continued. "Just don't let it scare you so much that you close yourself off. You end up…lonely…that way."

Emily smiled at Ali. She didn't know why, but she felt like she needed to comfort her. She felt like there was something more to Alison's words but she couldn't figure out what it was. Alison was so good at hiding her true feelings, you could never be quite sure what she meant sometimes.

"You'll never be lonely Ali" Emily stated with a kind smile.

Ali shook her head and smiled back sweetly at Emily. "Em, you really have no idea do you?" She said wistfully.

Emily didn't have a clue what she was talking about, so Ali was right, she had absolutely no idea.

"What do you mean?" Emily asked.

"Never mind." She shrugged and shook her head. Whatever thought she was about to say vanished in the wind.

"Emily…do you even know how to talk to boys. Have you ever?" Alison asked.

Emily had talked to boys before, obviously, but it had never really escalated beyond talking. The only guy who had ever asked her out on a date was Mike Montgomery's' friend Dale Warriner...and he was twelve years old. She was pretty sure he'd asked her as a dare because his friends Chris and Calvin were sniggering immaturely and pointing at her the whole time. She had turned him down politely but firmly and had found the whole experience very embarrassing. Maybe guys her own age just didn't find her attractive. She was athletic, but not necessarily in a sexy way; more of a toned way. She had stamina and muscle and a firmness to her body that maybe boys just didn't find appealing. She had never considered herself to be particularly pretty or anything remarkable at all really. She just thought of herself as plain Emily. The boring one of the group.

"It's not that I can't talk to boys…it's just, they don't want to talk to me. I don't know Ali, I mean, I guess I just haven't really thought much about it" Emily answered, hoping they could get off this subject quickly. This whole conversation was beginning to make her feel really uncomfortable. She felt so un experienced next to Alison. She was sure the blonde would burst out into laughter and make fun of her any second…and she really couldn't bear it if Ali made fun of her that way.

Alison looked surprised. Her eyes widened and she stepped closer to Emily, a quizzical expression crossing her face. "Haven't thought much about it? Are you serious? Like…don't you wonder what it's like, kissing someone?" Alison paused, dropping her voice to a whisper. "Don't you, you know, get _those_ feelings when you look at someone you like?" Alison's eyes wiggled provocatively and Emily's heart jumped a little inside her chest. Oh god she thought. Conversations like this always got her flustered, especially with Alison standing so close. Emily knew exactly what feelings Alison was talking about, she was pretty sure she was having them right now. She tucked her hair behind her ear slowly.

"Uh…I don't know, what feelings?" She lied. She wanted to know wether what she was feeling when she was around Alison was normal, so she waited for the blonde to explain. Maybe this was just part of growing up, her hormones or whatever. Maybe everyone felt like this around everyone and everyone was just too scared to tell anyone and so nobody told anybody and everybody spent their whole lives with these feelings and it was all just…normal. Even thinking about it confused Emily. She needed Alison to clear up exactly what these feeling were.

Alison squinted her eyes at the brunette. "Oh come _on_ Emily you know what I'm talking about! You can tell me, you know…you can trust me. It's normal Em, to feel…_things_."

Emily gazed long and hard at the blonde. Her thoughts were racing, confused and sporadic, like fireworks inside her head. _Why_ did Alison make her feel this way? Every time Ali looked at Emily in that kittenish way, her head tilted and her eyes sparkling, Emily felt as though her whole body became magnetised. She could literally feel her heart pull inside her body towards Ali like an arrow made of molten fire. She knew she wasn't supposed to feel this way. Ali was her friend…and a girl. She wasn't supposed to like girls. This was all wrong. If Ali knew how she felt she would think Emily was weird…she would run away from her and tell everyone there was something wrong with her, surely? But if this was so wrong then why did it feel _so_ right. It didn't just feel right, it felt good; _amazing_ even. Emily was in no hurry to give this sensation up. It was a tingling that stirred low in her stomach, and it was beginning to consume her. Every time she was with Ali she felt it stronger and stronger, until her heart ached to be rid of it, but hold on to it at the same time. She couldn't let this feeling go…she couldn't tell her. This wasn't normal.

Alison waited for Emily to answer, her inquisitive eyes still glittering in the sunlight. Emily swallowed thickly, her throat suddenly drier than sandpaper. Her heart beat inside her chest to the rhythm of a hummingbird, and she wrenched her eyes away from the blondes perfect face to look distantly into the forest.

"I guess I just…haven't found someone I feel that way about yet" she lied.

Alison smiled. "Oh really?" Emily could swear that Alison gave a short smirk. Did she not believe her? As soon as she thought she saw it, it had disappeared.

Emily gave a weak smile back, and cast her eyes downwards. She was suddenly desperate to know. "What about you? Who do you get those feelings for?"

"Emily…" Alison started, and then trailed off. She leaned in close, and slowly brought her hand to the brunettes shoulder, sending a visible shiver through Emily's toned body. Alison gave a knowing half-smirk. She brought her hand down Emily's arm slowly…and Emily felt her heart literally stop in its tracks. Suddenly, she wrapped her fingers around Emily's shoulder strap and hoisted the thick leather strip back into place on Emily's shoulder.

"You're going to lose that thing one day silly" she chided. Without another word, she skipped off down the path, leaving Emily rooted to the spot, unable to move.

"Emily come on! We can't just stand here all day we have to get to school" Alison called out. Emily willed herself to move forward. She caught up to Alison just as Ali had reached the end of the path opposite the tyre store. The pathway cut across a small wooded area and to the back of the junkyard where she was leaning against a tree casually.

"Hey, you never answered my question" Emily provoked daringly. Alison obviously didn't want to talk about it any more or she wouldn't have run off, and usually Emily knew when to leave things alone when it came to Alison. She would only give so far before she decided to put up her guard again, and Emily usually took the tiny bits of information she gave to her like a hungry baby bird; but this time, she really wanted to know the answer.

"Why don't you ask Matt…he knows who I get those feelings for" Alison snickered. "In fact, why don't you watch and learn Emily. I'm going over there to talk to him for a few, can you watch the road for me? My mom drives this way on her way to work and I don't want her to know we walk this way to school, she doesn't like me walking through the woods. If you see her car, shout for me, okay?"

"Oh okay, sure…I'll just wait here. Have fun" Emily said glumly as she watched Ali skip across the road and over to a parked jeep. A pair of feet attached to muddy boots stuck out from underneath the car and Ali turned back to look at Emily and smile before swinging her head low to the car wheel and wolf whistling loudly. A pair of large muscly arms gripped the underside of the jeep as Matt Harris slid his shirtless body out from under neath the car he was working on.

Emily heard his deep voice from across the road. She couldn't hear what he was saying, but she could hear the booming laughter. She could also hear Alison's sing song laugh ring out like wind chimes. She folded her arms and leaned against the same tree Ali was against moments before and stared at the Panther as she circled her prey. She watched the road every now and again for Alison's mothers car, but it never came.

She could see Ali laughing and tossing her hair back over her shoulders. She was pointing to the tyres of the car Matt was working on and they were having some kind of discussion. An uneasy feeling began to fester inside Emily's body. Alison moved her arm from where it rested at her side and Emily watched intently as she placed it gently mid way up matts muscular arm as they were talking. Watching Ali and Matt flirt like this was becoming torturous. Emily's stomach had turned ice cold. She felt a sick jealousy creeping through her veins as she watched Ali rub her hand up and down matts arm slowly. As Matt leaned down, his hand curling round Alison's face, Emily found that she actually had to look away. She couldn't watch what was about to happen. It was the strangest sensation. She actually felt her eyes well up and she forced the tears back. _Why_ was this happening to her? She wondered. She made herself keep looking towards the forest and willed herself not to turn back around. Whatever Alison was doing with Matt wasn't her business, and she just wanted her to hurry up so they could leave.

Emily didn't hear Alison until she was right next to her.

"Hey, I thought you were watching the road for me! What happened to being my lookout?" Alison exclaimed, throwing her arms up in question.

"Oh no I was watching" Emily started "but the road was pretty quiet, sorry… I got distracted"

"Yeah no shit sherlock" Alison responded, smoothing down her hair. "I got a little distracted too" she smirked; and with a wink, she took Emily's hand and started off towards the school.

Emily walked most of the rest of the way to school in a quiet daze. She and Alison made small talk, but Emily didn't ask any more about Matt. To be honest, she didn't really want to know. She knew if she asked about the kiss, Alison would surely give her an extremely in depth description of everything she definitely did _not_ want to hear about.

They met their friends at their lockers, and everyone filtered off to their different lessons. Emily found that she couldn't concentrate on a single thing for the rest of the afternoon. The exchange between her and Alison this morning was on a constant repeat inside her mind. The way Alison had leaned in and whispered "don't you, you know, get those feelings when you look at someone you like?" So close to her. Her eyes were like wild fire, inquisitive, intelligent, always searching. The way Ali's hair had smelled, the way her kitten-like expression had looked at her, as if she could see right through her; and how her sweet-tinted voice had said her name before she brushed her fingers down her arm.

Emily kept replaying the moment Alison had touched her shoulder over and over and over again. She had liked it when Ali had touched her. _Really_ liked it. It was wrong...she knew she shouldn't feel that way. You shouldn't feel as if your heart has been stabbed every time your friend kisses a boy, should you? The realisation that there was something wrong with Emily mingled with the feeling that this was absolutely the _right_ way to feel. Because how can something so achingly painful, bittersweet and unattainable cause so much pleasure inside her soul. It was so confusing. She felt jealous over, possessive over, and – dare she admit it – _attracted_ to Alison.

These thoughts invaded Emily's head and she couldn't concentrate any longer. All thoughts of the swim tryout were the gone from her mind as she sat there in her lesson and reeled over these revelations about her feelings for her friend. Emily couldn't handle the overwhelming force of this realisation any more, she just couldn't. She had to leave before everyone surely noticed her combust in a stressful explosion of confusion. Emily excused herself from her math class to take a bathroom break.

And so it was there...sitting on the floor just inside the door of the bathroom; her arms wrapped around her knees, with tears streaking down her face, in the middle of the afternoon on a Thursday, that Emily fields realised she had a crush on her best friend.

**Authors note: Wow, thank you so so SO much to the people who reviewed, and liked and favourited this story. You have no idea how much it means to me just to know somebody actually even read it! It means the world to me that you guys are even reading this and I so hope you will like where the story is going. If anyone has any feedback or anything they would like to see happen please do leave me a review and let me know and I'll do my best! Thank you so much. Lots more moments coming up! Adult content too, you've been warned! Lol! My twitter is hauntedtwilight**


	3. Control

Control

Have you ever felt totally out of control...like your body is on autopilot, every gear and cog inside the machine just churning away without your consent? Once that switch is pulled, you can't ever turn it off. It's like your mind sparks to life with an idea, and you just…run with it. No consequences, no questions, just pure, undiluted need.

Emily fields had always thought of herself as quite a level headed person. Just lately though…things had begun to change. Over the last few weeks she had felt herself starting to shift away from the person she used to be. Outside, she was the same plain, boring Emily; member of the sharks swim team, one of a group of five best friends, and hard worker. Inside, she was screaming. She had spent the better part of the last few weeks harbouring a crush on her best friend Alison, and it was slowly driving her insane. She felt like a piece of driftwood, floating further and further away from normality, into a whirlpool of confusion. Her once peaceful ride through life had turned quite abruptly into a hurricane of emotions. She desperately awaited the end of this storm, but there was no end in sight.

Emily sat on her bed in her pyjamas, fiddling with the corner of Cosmo magazine. Her grandmother had spent the entire weekend at her house helping her mother put down some new patio in their back garden. Emily had been helping them out for the last two days while her father was away. Between the three of them, they had managed to pave half the garden, and four huge holes now sat in an inch of stagnant mud and water where they had been landscaping a new gazebo. It had been taxing. Between listening to her grandmother talk about her dogs for twelve straight hours…and tripping over a paving slab; injuring her back in the process, she really needed a break.

She loved her grandmother; but after two days of her going on and on about her two jack Russell terriers, she totally needed some time to herself. Emily rubbed her lower back, wincing as a sharp pain shot through her muscle. She wouldn't be able to swim for at least two weeks while this bruise healed, and it really pissed her off. She had been handing her mother an extremely heavy bag of cement when she had tripped over the corner of one of the gazillion paving slabs her mother was smashing apart to "crazy pave" the patio with, and had fallen backwards into the corner of their garden table; the edge of which had stabbed right into Emily's lower back. She was not in a good mood.

Emily was contemplating grabbing some popcorn and treating herself to an all night movie marathon. The horror channel was showing an all night zombie vs vampire 50s special in half an hour and she thought she would treat herself to an extra lazy night of lying around. She had been lazing about on her bed in her room, absently flicking through the channels for about twenty minutes before she finally gave up. _Yes _she thought. _Lets just have an all nighter…why not. _She walked down the stairs, pushing her long hair back out of her face and jumped the last two steps of the stairs. She was about to cross the hallway into the kitchen when she noticed her mother and her grandmother in the den, cackling away. They were sat close together on the couch, their legs crossed, looking over something. She poked her head round the doorframe.

"Hey Emmy do you want to join us? Your mother was just telling me all about your sharks tryout! Well done sweetie I'm really proud of you!" Her grandmother exclaimed warmly. Emily could see that her mother and grandmother were on their second bottle of wine and were obviously having a very in-depth gossip session about the rest of the family. They had the old photo albums open and each had a different book on their lap. She could see her grandmother had the album titled "Emily's school nativity play" and chuckled to herself.

"No thanks guys but enjoy yourselves. I'm going to make some popcorn and watch a movie, I'm quite tired from all the digging today." She added a yawn for extra measure and put on her weariest expression. It wasn't exactly a lie, she was absolutely exhausted.

"Okay sweetie have fun! We'll try to keep the noise down, we're having so much fun looking at these! You looked so cute in your little shepherd costume!" Her mother chuckled and looked down at the book with an endearing gaze. Emily smiled and left the room, turning just before her body was out the door and swinging her head back round to look at the two women. "Oh…and you can burn that book when you're done!" She laughed and left them to it. She knew they'd be down there for hours catching up, they hadn't seen each other properly for a few months and Emily knew they'd had an exhausting day too.

After she had made her popcorn; she carried the bowl back upstairs to her room, eating while she walked. Emily laid down on her bed and got comfortable. She laid out on her bed, pulling her pillow beneath her arms, so she was resting her chin against it. She still had twenty minutes or so until the first movie began. She flipped open the Cosmo mag she had bought at the store after school on Friday and casually flicked through the pages to the "advice" section. This was always the best bit. When she hung out with her friends they would all sit in a circle and take turns reading the juiciest bits out. Emily was always the last to volunteer to read because it made her feel shy. She felt much more comfortable reading it on her own, if not a bit sneaky. Her eyes roamed over the advice section, trying to find an article to read. There were lots of passages marked "skills to get your lover going" and "what not to do with your teeth during sex." Emily giggled internally and blushed. Not that Emily had anybody to practice any of these _skills_ with, but it was always good to know the information. Just in case.

There was one particular section that caught her eye. She tried to ignore it at first, but the more she tried to avoid it, the more she wanted to read it. Well, it did take up an entire page, she may as well go back and get her moneys worth…right? So, she flicked back a couple of pages and began to read the very graphic, and very _detailed _advice. She tried to tell herself she was reading it because she was curious, but the more she read, the more she wanted to read, and soon, she was nearly on the last paragraph. Whoever had written this had gone into an alarming amount of descriptive passages. Emily felt her face getting quite flushed and she started to feel the hint of something stirring deep down inside her body. She shifted on the bed to get more comfortable. She was feeling quite…odd all of a sudden. _Wait…am I turned on?_ She thought as she bit her lip. Her eyes shifted toward her doorway, hoping her mother wouldn't walk in and catch her reading the article.

Her eyes flicked back down to the magazine and she continued to read. She was completely absorbed in the ways the writer was describing this particular move you could do with your tongue. So absorbed in fact, that she hadn't realised the silhouette standing at her doorway until a loud bang erupted as the unknown person knocked on her open door loudly and deliberately.

Emily felt like her heart had leapt out of her chest and shot up into outer space. She must have jumped half a mile. Standing at the door was the one and only Alison DiLaurentis. Soaking wet, with mud all down her expensive looking dress.

"Ali!" She exclaimed. "What are you doing here? I never even heard you come in"

"Your mom let me in" Alison sniffled, pulling a stray twig out of her hair.

"My mom?" Emily said.

"Yeah, I think she's kinda drunk, she just opened the door and danced me in. I don't even think she noticed how crap I look. I think she's having a party with your gran or something, I heard music coming from the den."

"Yeah, they're on one tonight for sure." Emily said.

Emily didn't think she had ever seen Alison look more disheveled. She was usually perfectly presented at all times. Even when they had sleepovers she always woke up in the morning looking like she had just had her hair done by a professional stylist. Her appearance right now was alarming.

"Ali, what happened? Why are you covered in mud?" She asked.

"Well I _wouldn't be_ if someone had explained to me about the ginormous hole in your back garden. You could have told me you'd woke up this morning and decided to dig to China _before _I climbed over your fence. I feel like I just clambered through half the trenches of World War One out there!" She exclaimed, pulling yet another twig out of her hair. "Look at my dress" she continued "there's no _way_ they'll let me return it like this!"

"Ali…why didn't you just knock on my front door? I would have let you in!" Emily responded, climbing off the bed and walking over to the blonde. She moved round Alison and closed her bedroom door.

"I tried texting you, didn't you get my text?" Ali questioned. "I said I was about to scale your fence and for you to be at the back door waiting for me. I got no answer and it started raining so I had to just _do it_ and hope you'd be there waiting! But you weren't" she said accusingly.

Emily felt terrible. She had been so absorbed in her magazine that she had forgotten all about her phone. She had left it downstairs on the kitchen side when she made the popcorn and forgotten all about it.

Shit. The magazine. It was still on the bed, open on the page she was reading. Shit shit shit. Emily panicked. She did _not_ want to have to explain why she was reading that particular passage to anyone, _least_ of all Alison. She dashed in front of Alison, blocking the blondes view of her bed. She quickly turned towards the bed and tried to cover the magazine with the pillow she had been lying on. She tried to do it casually but it came across kind of random, so she sat down on top of the pillow; which was now on top of the magazine, and launched straight into an apology, hoping Ali wouldn't notice her strange manoeuvre to hide the evidence.

"Oh god Ali I'm so sorry I left my phone downstairs. I went to make popcorn and I left it on the side. Do you want to change? You can wear some of my stuff…I can put your clothes in the wash for you, if you like." Emily offered.

"Thanks Em. Yeah actually I could really do with getting out of this dress before I catch hypothermia." She stated with a slight whine to her voice.

"No problem, you can get changed in here and I'll go…wait outside." Emily trailed off, suddenly feeling very nervous. She had just realised that Alison would be standing in her room, practically naked, and now that thought was the only image burned into her brain.

"Em we're both girls, jeez you can stay while I change silly." Alison joked. She removed her jacket, pulling her soaking wet arm through the fabric with a squelching sound, and handed it to Emily, who stood up cautiously and slowly took the item from her. Emily's heart beat faster than she had ever heard it beat in her life, and she was a professional swimmer, so she knew what adrenaline was like. Her pulse was racing so fast she could feel it in her fingertips, her hands clammy and cold all of a sudden. _Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. _Emily thought. _She's getting changed. Where do I look? Oh my god._

"Emily why are you just standing there staring at me what's the matter with you?" Alison asked. "You look like you're going to throw up, are you okay?" She sounded genuinely concerned.

"No…uh..I'm fine I just…" Emily trailed off. _Change the conversation. Quick. Think of something. Distract yourself. _She thought. "Wait, Ali…why didn't you just knock on my front door? Why did you need to sneak round the back?"

"Ugh" Alison sighed. "My mom and I had a _huge_ fight. Jason the douchebag told her about Matt Harris and how I went over there the other night to the tyre yard. He had this _amazing_ car he was doing up for his brothers friend and he asked me to come over and take a ride with him. He wasn't supposed to be driving it, just fixing the door and the back bumper, but we took it out for a ride up past Ravenswood."

Emily nodded. She kept a straight face throughout Alison's story, even though the thought of her alone with Matt in a car made her feel physically sick.

"Anyway" Ali continued, throwing her arms up in exasperation. "Turns out _Jason _knows his brothers friend, of _course_ he would!" She shrieked, slapping her arms against her sides. "So Matt had told his brother that we had borrowed the car – god knows why! He said he 'felt guilty' or some shit. Like, if you take a car…and you're not supposed to…and you take a hot girl out for a joy ride, why the hell would you go running back to your brother and tell him all about it? Oh right, so his brother can tell his friend who then rats me out to _my _brother, who of _course_ goes straight back to my mother and tells her _everything!"_

Alison finished her rant looking angrier than when she started it. She looked tense and pissed off..

"He's just such a _jerk!_ A big mouth, fucking _jerk!"_ She curled her hands into fists and made an exasperated noise. "I'm sorry Emily, I just really really need to vent. I feel so…wired up right now"

Emily couldn't help but feel a little happy that Alison was pissed off with Matt. She knew she shouldn't, but she had never liked him anyway, Alison was too good for him. She deserved better than someone who would talk about her and get her in trouble.

"So, that explains why you're so annoyed, but why were you climbing over my fence? Why not just use the front door? I don't get it, what happened? Emily asked the blonde.

"Well she grounded me didn't she. She said I wasn't _responsible_ enough. What a bitch. As if she knows _anything_ about me. She doesn't know the first thing about me. All she does is plan her little parties and make sure king Jason has everything he wants for his selfish little existence; meanwhile, I get treated like some baby that they can't trust. God it was _one_ ride in a car it wasn't like we crashed the damn thing! He took it back the same night, we didn't sleep in it or anything! What is the big deal!" Alison protested.

While Emily was happy that they _hadn't _spent the night in Matts car, she was still feeling a deep rooted uncomfortable sensation at every mention of Matts name.

"So basically my mom thinks I'm still sitting in my room sulking. I pushed the dresser in front of the door and climbed down the lattice to sneak out. If she tries to get in my room she'll just think I'm being dramatic and that I don't want to speak to her. I went over to that _idiots_ place near the tyre yard – do you know he actually lives _above _that place, ugh – And tried to tell him that Alison DiLaurentis no longer requires his company, or the piece of shit junk metal he works on, and that he can go and find some other girl to get with because he will _never_ find someone as hot as me. But what do I find when I get there? I knocked on his door and there was no answer...wanna know why?" Ali asked angrily.

Emily was hanging on Alison's every word. She could already guess why, but Alison was about to tell her anyway so she let her finish her story. "Why" she answered, and waited for what she already knew was coming.

"Because he was _fucking_ some girl. Like literally. I saw them. In the _same_ car we were in the other night. He was in the back seat with some slut on top of him." Alison boiled with rage.

"Ali…I'm sorry…" Emily started but Alison cut her off.

"Oh don't worry Em." Alison said, her anger dissipating into a sickly sweet smile. "I picked up the first wrench I could find on the floor and threw it through their back window. Think I actually caught him on the arm with it too." She laughed darkly and sighed.

Emily was shocked. She would never expect Alison to do something like that. Or maybe

That was exactly what she thought Alison would do. She wasn't sure which. Ali had many different sides to her, and it was like a lottery guessing which one you'd get when you were with her.

"I can't believe you did that Ali" Emily said.

"Yeah, well, he deserved it." Alison said. "He…" She started, but didn't finish. She suddenly looked distant, and terribly sad. Emily's heart felt a pang of longing to comfort the blonde.

"He… hurt me Em. He really, _really _did." Alison said simply, and so sadly that Emily suddenly saw a vulnerability in Alison that she had never seen before.

"It's okay Ali, you were way too good for him anyway." Emily said, trying to make the blonde feel better. "You're a wonderful person, you don't deserve to be treated that way"

_Who would do that to her, that's so awful. Can't he see who she is…what she is? She's everything._ Emily thought.

Alison smiled sweetly at Emily. "Yeah well, that's what happened. I couldn't face going back home tonight, and I couldn't risk anyone seeing me knocking on your door in case they told my mother I snuck out, so I thought I'd chance it with your back fence. Good idea huh!" She sniggered, shaking her head.

"I just needed to go somewhere safe…" Ali trailed off. "I knew you wouldn't judge me Em. You're always there for me. I just felt so uncared for…and so hurt, I just needed to come and find someone who I knew would make me feel better." She said earnestly. "Please don't tell anyone Em…I'm counting on you. Keep this to yourself."

Emily felt touched. Ali had chosen her above everyone else to confide in. "Oh Ali, I'm glad you came here. You just need to rest. Put this guy out of your mind. What he did to you was horrible and unfair"

_She came here to feel safe. I'll be her safe place…I'll always be her safe place. She needs me. _Emily thought.

Emily stopped speaking as she watched Alison process their talk. Then, she added quietly, "I'll keep you safe Ali."

Alison looked down at the carpet, and took a deep breath. "Maybe I'm just not a good person. Maybe that's why these things happen to me. Maybe I deserve it." She said sadly, her voice breaking.

Alison had been so sincere throughout their conversation, that Emily realised this was the first time she ever felt like she had truly seen the _real_ her. She was so rarely vulnerable. She was always the confident, flamboyant extrovert who always knew what to say and do. It was so strange to see her so shaken up. Seeing this side of Alison just made her heart ache even more.

"You _are_ a good person Ali. I look at you, and I see a girl full of strength, and kindness, and love." Emily stated truthfully. _You have no idea how perfect you are._ She thought.

"Maybe you're not looking hard enough" the blonde said sadly.

Emily paused, locking eyes with Alison. Her voice came out quietly, but full of sincerity. "I'm looking pretty hard." She said, their eyes still fixed together intensely.

Ali stared at Emily for a moment, as if deciding something…

"Emily, can you get over here and help me undo this dress, I think the zipper is stuck." She said bluntly. It was almost an order.

Emily's eyes turned impossibly wide. "Uh…sure." She said timidly, and tried to keep her breathing under control as she moved off the bed to stand behind the blonde. Alison gently pulled her hair back over one shoulder so that Emily could reach the zipper to her dress. Emily was close enough to smell the sweet scent of Alison's hair, and took shallow breaths to try and control her shaking hands.

She reached up to touch the shiny zipper and her fingertips lightly brushed the skin at the nape of Ali's neck. She thought she heard Ali sigh slightly, and the sound sent the most intense jolt of electricity right through to Emily's lower abdomen. Very low. Emily took a shaky breath and closed her eyes for a second. She braced her hand against Alison's shoulder as she dragged the zipper slowly down the blondes back, then moved her hand to Alison's waist. Each inch she unzipped revealed more and more of Ali's creamy white skin, and every inch felt like a little piece of heaven for Emily. She had never, ever in all her life felt this turned on before. Her right hand clasped the zipper as it reached the end of the metal track, and her left hand, which had previously been at Ali's waist, raised its self all of its own accord, and hovered a fraction of a centimetre above the skin at the edge of Alison's shoulder bone. She so badly wanted to touch her. Every fibre of her being ached to run her fingertips along the skin of Alison's back. Her fingers danced dangerously close to Ali's skin, and she closed her eyes again at the pleasurable sensations building inside her. She could see the blonde was wearing a nude coloured bra underneath the dress, and she just couldn't stop herself from lightly skimming her fingers along the strap. Emily took a another shallow breath. Just as her fingertips grazed the skin, Alison tilted her head to the side to glance back at Emily with one eye. "Is it done?" She asked with a serious, sultry expression on her face. Emily stepped back quickly and dropped her hands to her sides. She didn't know how she could even get the voice to answer. "Yeah…" She answered thickly.

"Good." Alison said casually. And smiled teasingly at Emily.

Emily wasn't quite sure what was going on here. She knew she was into Alison, she had figured that out quite a while ago, but she was starting to get the slight impression that Ali might _know._ And it scared the shit out of her. Sometimes the little winks and little smiles Ali gave her made her feel like Ali was almost trying to tell her something…like she was hinting that she knew more about Emily than Emily was letting on.

Then again, she was probably just being paranoid. She knew Ali liked to play with people…but Alison wouldn't play with _her _like that. If she knew Emily liked her in _that_ way she would surely say something wouldn't she? She wouldn't want to be her friend any more. So of course she didn't know, right? Emily thought she was losing her mind.

Emily opened the bottom drawer of her dresser and placed a spare pair of her pyjamas on her bed.

"Ali, you're staying over, right? I mean, you said you didn't want to go home…" She trailed off, trying to look anywhere else than Ali's face.

Ali grabbed the top of her dress and slid it provocatively down her body, leaving her in just her lacy underwear. Emily's mouth practically fell wide open. _My god, you're perfect. _She thought. Her heartbeat skyrocketed and she could literally feel her chest pounding with the pressure. Her eyes darted round the room, trying to find something else to look at while Ali changed clothes. She focused on the window, and the rain beating down hard against the glass, a storm raging outside. Little did Alison know, a storm was raging inside the room too. Emily's body was a tornado of new feelings. She felt like she had been taken to an entirely new place, one she had yet to experience with anyone, even herself, before tonight. She felt a wetness between her legs. That had never happened before, ever. She'd heard about it, of course, but was yet to experience it herself. _We're not in Kansas any more. _Emily thought.

She had to force herself to leave the room, if she stayed any longer in there with Alison like this then she was afraid she would faint. She needed to just calm down. Once she calmed herself down then these feelings would probably go away, wouldn't they?

Emily made her way to the bathroom and paused at the stairs, listening to her mother and her grandmother laughing hysterically in the den. She brushed her teeth while she listened to Ali get changed and ready for bed in her room. When she was done she took a long, hard look at herself in the mirror. As she looked at her reflection, a small, sad notion kept up on her. Even if she did tell Alison how she felt, and by some miracle, Alison accepted it…there was no way Ali would want _her_. Not Alison DiLaurentis. She could have anyone she wanted; any guy in the school would jump at the chance to date her, so why would she want plain, boring Emily Fields? Not to mention the fact that Emily was a girl. _Which is wrong._ Emily reminded herself. She just needed to push these thoughts away and eventually they would disappear. She was sure if she kept ignoring them, they would fade away in time. The problem was, she didn't know if she wanted them to fade away.

Emily made her way back into her room, knocking first to make sure Alison was changed before she entered. Ali was sitting on her bed in Emily's pyjamas, a huge smirk on her face.

"What's so funny?" Emily asked.

"Oh nothing." Alison answered slyly. "I was just wondering if you could tell me _exactly_ how to go down on a woman?" She asked with a huge grin.

Emily was shocked. _What _had she just said to her?

"What! Ali, I mean, what!?" Emily stammered. She was absolutely lost for words.

"Well…" Ali continued "you must be quite the expert by now considering how much you've read up on it." She teasingly slid the magazine out from underneath the pillow with her index finger. She dramatically opened the magazine out in front of her face and began to read out loud in an informative voice the article Emily had been reading previously. "The first thing you should do when going down on a woman is to take the tip of your tongue..." Emily snatched the magazine out of her hands and flung it across the room where it landed in a heap of pages near her dresser. "Hey!" Ali exclaimed. "I wasn't done!"

"Its nothing! I wasn't reading it, it just fell open on that page that's all! I wasn't looking at it, it just was there on the bed I wasn't looking at it or anything I just like the advice column I wasn't reading it" Emily rambled, desperately trying to talk herself out of this awkward situation.

"Jeez Em take a chill pill!" Ali laughed. "I don't care what you were reading, I just find it funny to watch you squirm." She giggled and laid back on Emily's bed, laughing. "Besides, that stuff is good to know, you never know when you might need it." She said in a slightly lower, more serious tone. Emily nervously chuckled.

The brunette cautiously sat down on the bed next to Ali. Her heart pounding. She looked down at the blonde, who was lying with one arm under her golden hair and a smile across her broad face. Well, at least something had cheered Ali up. Their eyes locked for a few seconds. Emily's heart fluttered, and she fiddled absently with a loose string on the leg of her pyjama pants.

"Oh for god sake Emily. You can't leave things like that, it'll fray and then you'll have a huge hole" Alison chided. "Here, let me get it." Then, as quick as a panther, she darted forward so she was leaning over Emily's leg, just above her right knee. She bent down and grabbed the little piece of string in her fingers. Emily took a startled gasp and watched as Alison quickly bit the string with her teeth, and separated it with the fabric, her hands pushing hard into Emily's leg for leverage. Emily couldn't breathe. Alison was touching her leg. She felt that familiar ache deep and low inside her body, and her breath had turned to a shallow rattle._ What the hell is wrong with me? _Emily thought._ Why do I get this way when she touches me. If she would just stop touching me…maybe it'll go away. But…I want her to touch me...oh my god her mouth is so close to my leg, and her hands, if they go any higher..._

"There" Alison exclaimed, pushing back so she was sitting on the bed. She smiled her broad kittenish smile. "Now you won't get frayed."

Emily should have said thanks but she couldn't even speak a word if she tried. She just smiled back at Alison as convincingly as she could and stumbled to get into bed.

_Oh my god, could I be any more awkward._ Emily thought.

As the two girls got into bed, they could hear the sounds of laughter and music drifting up from downstairs.

"Wow your mom and her mom are really getting on it down there" Alison said with a chuckle.

"Yeah, they don't do it often but when they catch up they really go all night" Emily said as she flicked the light off and crawled under the covers. Her and Alison had had sleepovers before, but never just the two of them. They usually went to Spencer's house and the other girls were usually there. Her and Ali would sleep next to each other on the floor, or on the same couch, but something about sharing her own bed with Alison made it feel so…intimate to Emily.

Emily laid down next to Alison, facing her; their bodies sitting comfortably next to each other, not too close, not too far.

"Em can you put this on your dresser, I forgot to take it off earlier" Alison said as she unclasped a thin bracelet from her wrist and handed it to Emily. The bracelet was beautiful. It was delicate silver woven into intricate minuscule lattice patterns, and joined up in the middle with a small white pearl.

"That's beautiful Ali, where'd you get that?" Emily asked.

"Oh you know, around." Alison answered vaguely as Emily took the bracelet from her and reached backwards to put it on her dresser. Just as she leaned backwards she felt a wrenching pain shoot through her side. Shit, she forgot about the huge bruise on her lower back. She yelped out in pain and clutched at her side, squeezing her eyes shut.

"Shit" Emily whined. "I forgot about that."

"Forgot about what?" Alison asked, concerned. "Em…what's the matter what happened?"

"Oh, it's nothing, I'm an idiot. I was helping mom in the garden earlier and I tripped. The side of the table outside went right into my back as I fell and now I have this killer bruise. I can't swim for a while either until it heals, it sucks." Emily said miserably.

"Let me see" Alison said.

When Alison asked you to do something, you could never be quite sure if she was asking you, or telling you. Emily was reluctant to show her because it would involve lifting her pyjama top, and she wasn't quite sure she could handle the thought of Alison staring at her naked back. But then again, she had done the same to Ali earlier.

Emily hesitated. "Come on Em, turn over, let me see. I wanna see how bad it is." Alison pushed. Emily shifted round in the bed so that she was facing away from Alison and reached an arm behind her to pull her shirt higher so that the blonde could see.

"Higher Em, it's dark and I can't see shit" Ali said quietly.

Suddenly, she felt Alison's hands at the base of her back. Her fingertips lightly grasped the material, and pulled it slowly up Emily's body, a fraction of an inch at a time. Emily's right hand gripped the pillow tightly below her head, and she squeezed her eyes shut. She held her breath. Emily felt Alison's palm move flat against her back, her fingers fanning out before stroking sensually downwards towards the bruise. She felt Ali's nails graze her skin lightly, tickling her olive tone skin in a deliciously provocative way. Emily had goosebumps covering her entire body. She was pretty sure Alison could probably see, too. She held her breath as Alison's fingertips lightly trailed the outline of the bruise, making patterns on her skin. Everywhere her fingers touched, left a trail of fire inside Emily's body. Her nipples had hardened out of nowhere, and she was wet. Emily thought that even if a car were to crash through her house at this present moment, she wouldn't be capable of moving. She was firmly glued to the bed. Her body was a raging inferno of need. _Oh my god what is this feeling…don't stop touching me Ali, please don't stop_. Emily thought.

She certainly didn't expect what Alison did next. It was over as quickly as if it had never happened, but she felt Alison's perfect lips softly kiss her bruise, at the base of her back, just near her side. As soon as she felt Alison kiss her there, her stomach flipped so hard that she actually made an audible gasp. Her eyes flew open, staring straight ahead into the darkness. She felt a pair of lips barely graze her ear… "There, is that all better?"Alison whispered, with a hint of suggestive knowing.

Emily could only nod as Alison pulled her shirt back down and settled into bed behind her. Neither girl spoke again that night. There was a silence between them now that lasted until the next morning. Alison had fallen asleep quite quickly, Emily presumed, as she didn't dare turn around to look at Ali for the rest of the night. Emily hadn't slept at all. She had lain awake in the darkness, facing away from the blonde, trying to control her breathing. Having Ali so near, but so far, was torture. All she wanted to do was kiss her. She wanted to kiss her _so _badly. That much she had realised as soon as she had felt Ali's lips touch her skin. She wanted to feel those soft lips against her own. She craved it, more than she needed air. The thought terrified Emily, and she couldn't help but remember Alison's words a few weeks earlier: "_that's how you know what you're feeling is real… It terrifies you." _She felt sick. She didn't sleep for the rest of the night.

The next day, Alison's sweet smiles from the night before had disappeared. As they got ready for school, Alison's cold barrier had firmly come back up. They had woken up just as the sun was rising so that Alison could get home before her mother noticed she was missing. Emily had turned to Ali in the morning and smiled sweetly at her. Ali returned the smile, but there was something missing. She seemed…distant, almost detached.

They got changed in almost silence. Emily lent Ali some of her clothes to walk home in.

"You want to walk to school with me? I can wait outside your house so you can get ready?" Emily asked.

"No that's okay Em, I have places I need to be this morning. People to see, you know. I'll just see you at school." Ali said vaguely, with a wave of her hand. She was dismissing Emily.

Emily felt like the girl she had spent last night with was trapped behind an invisible force field surrounding Alison, that the _real_ Ali was trapped inside this bubble of fierceness. Maybe Ali was scared she had shown too much weakness to Emily. Maybe she was worried Emily would tell someone about what happened with Matt.

"Hey Ali, you know what you told me last night…about Matt?" Emily questioned.

"What about it Emily." Ali said shortly.

"I won't tell anyone. I promise." Emily stated.

"You better not, Emily. Besides, I'm not the only one with secrets. If you told anyone about Matt it would be a shame for everyone to find out _your_ secrets wouldn't it" Alison said coldly.

Emily was taken aback. _Her secret_. What did Ali think she knew about her? _Did she know?_

"What?" Emily asked.

"It doesn't matter Emily, because I _know_ you won't say anything. Best friends keep each other's secrets, and I _know_ you're going to keep mine, aren't you." Alison said, with a hint of a threat in her voice.

"Yes. Of course I will, Alison" Emily said softly. She felt hurt that Ali would suggest otherwise. She wouldn't have told anyone what had happened last night. Ever. Ali didn't need to worry about it. She didn't need to threaten Emily, she would have taken her secret to the grave.

"Good" Alison said.

"Oh, and Emily…wanna know something else? I have another secret…wanna know what it is?" Alison said, with a smirk.

"Sure" Emily answered cautiously.

Alison stepped closer to her, their faces just a few inches apart. "I know someone who likes you." She said devilishly, her voice twinkling like wind chimes.

_Oh my god._ Emily thought. _Please let her be about to say what I hope she's about to say. Please say it's you._ She knew there was no way, there couldn't be, but she still dared to hope.

"Me?" Emily asked.

"Yeah. Guess." Alison chirped, with a tilt of her head.

"I…I mean…I don't know. Is it someone I know?" Emily asked quietly.

_Please say yes. Please tell me it's you. Take this feeling inside of me and share it with me please. I can't bear this alone. It's too painful. _She thought.

"Yeah, it's someone you know Emily. You see them every. Single. Day." Alison said.

"I really don't know, Ali…" Emily trailed off.

"It's Ben." Alison said. She flicked her hair and turned to leave, taking a couple steps back.

"Wait…Ben? As in…_Ben_ Ben?" Emily was confused. Ben was a guy in their year. He was kinda cute, she guessed, but she hadn't ever spoken to him before. Did he really like her? Or was Alison playing some kind of joke on her?

"Yeah _Ben_ Ben doofus." The blonde laughed. "Hanna and me overheard him by the guys locker room yesterday and he was totally saying how hot you looked. He was checking you out in the pool and he was saying how good your legs looked in your swimsuit."

_Wow. A guy was checking me out._ _Me? Seriously! _Emily thought. She was disappointed at first that Alison hadn't proclaimed her undying love for her, but really, what was she expecting? Alison didn't have those feelings for her, and she shouldn't have them for Alison. The pang of disappointment was only slightly lessened by another, tiny spark of pride that was glowing inside of her. Nobody had _ever_ said she looked hot before, to her knowledge; and sure, it might not be the person she wanted it to be that had a said it, but it still made her feel oddly good inside to know that _someone_ liked her. It made her feel…normal. This was the most normal she had felt in a long long time. It was totally natural for a guy to think a girl was hot, and for a girl to be happy about that, and the realisation of this made Emily feel satisfied. Maybe she wasn't so weird after all.

Alison smiled and nodded slightly, as if deciding something. "Okay Emily you're going to do something for me, and don't argue." She said firmly.

"Okay…what?" Emily said quizzically. She shifted her feet from side to side as she stared at the blonde. _Please don't ask me to go out with Ben. I'm not ready for that. _Emily thought. _I wouldn't know what to do._

Alison pointed a finger at Emily.

"You need a boyfriend. It's been long enough Em. You can't keep waiting for the perfect _person_ to come along and sweep you off your feet. You need to try and see…" She trailed off and gestured towards Emily with her hand, not quite sure how to continue.

"You need to try things…to find out what you really want." She concluded. She gave Emily a small but sincere smile.

Emily knew what she wanted. She had known it for a while now. How attainable it actually was, though, was another question. Would she go her entire life with this aching feeling inside her body. Would she always tremble whenever Alison was near? Could it be that she just hadn't had the experience she needed to overcome this feeling? Maybe Ali was right. Maybe she did need to try. Part of her felt like feeling affection towards anyone other than Alison was a complete betrayal of her heart. But what was the alternative? Watch Alison sneak around with guys…guys that would never be her. She had seen Ben around, but hadn't ever even given him a second look. Maybe she needed to look harder. Maybe that's what she needed, some normality. So why did it feel so…wrong. She would have to do this, she realised. There was no way Ali would let her back out. Alison had this way with Emily, she could convince her of almost anything with just a look; and Emily found that the harder she tried to resist her, the more she ended up doing exactly what she wanted.

"Alright" Emily stated. She wasn't sure quite what she was agreeing to, or even if she _wanted _to agree, but she had said it now, and she knew Alison wouldn't let it drop.

"Good. You're going out on a date with him and that's final. I'll set it up for you. Don't you dare back out on me Emily. You need to do this." She stated firmly. Before Emily could answer, she turned on her heel and jogged down Emily's path. Emily watched from the doorway. Alison would have to get home fairly quickly if she was going to avoid seeing anyone. Emily watched her golden hair disappear through the gap in the fence which led to the back path, and she was gone.

_What I want from you…I can never have. _Emily thought sadly.

The swimmer took a deep breath. The entire night seemed like a blur. She watched the dawn light as it fought through the morning haze, the sunlight glinting through the trees as it cast diamond patterns through the leaves. Her whole body hummed with energy. She could feel it moving through her body like a current. She felt like a magnet, turned the other way so it pushed back against the force of another, but somehow still attracted, even though it was all backwards.

That's the funny thing about control. Sometimes you just lose it. Completely and utterly, and sometimes you never had it in the first place. Sometimes control belongs to another. What do you do when you feel completely out of your own power? A higher ascendancy dominates you, your muscles, your skin, your hair, everything. You have no power over the feelings inside yourself. Your heart is an immovable object, no matter how hard you try and move it, it stays where it is, everlasting and unstoppable. Love pushes you down like a whirlpool, swallowing you whole. Trying to push back just makes it stronger, like a tidal wave washing over your whole being. You're pulled down into the depths of the storm. There is no eye, there is no reprieve. Just raging, tearing emotion.


	4. Hope

**Authors note: Hello :) my authors note from the previous chapter was accidentally deleted when I posted it so I'd just like to say a MASSIVE thank you to everyone who reviewed! You are all angels! We are nearly at the kissing rock, but for now…here's the new chapter, hope. Love you all.**

Hope is a curious thing. One minute you're desperately clinging to it, the tendons of your soul stretching to hold on...and the next, you're hating it; you despise it for giving you optimism. You push it away with all the strength you have. Hope takes over every part of you, every cell in your body consumed by need. When you want something, you _want_ it. There is no in between. You aren't sure if it'll ever come to fruition…but if you just dare to dream, and hold on a little longer... you might just get it.

It was a Friday night, and Emily sat at her window, watching the dewy remnants of a summer storm stick to the leaves outside. She could hear the droplets of water as they trickled through the trees onto the sodden grass. The sky had only just again begun to lighten, and in the distance a faint thunder could still be heard. Emily had always loved to watch a storm, it made her feel peaceful. She loved how you could always tell when it was about to rain. First, the wind would pick up slightly and there would be a sudden cold breeze. Emily would wait patiently, listening out for the first drops of water to fall to the ground, before the rest would follow in a great applause. It sounded like an orchestra of a thousand hands. If she closed her eyes and just listened, she would feel completely, utterly at peace, the great crescendo of the rain drowning out all thought from her head as she focused only on the roar of the water. She had a similar feeling whenever she would swim. She had always loved that first moment when she entered the water; it enveloped her in a cold world of silence, covering her and immersing her until everything else was blocked out. Being underwater was the best feeling in the world to Emily. If only that feeling would last forever. At some point, you always had to come up for air.

She had been sitting at her windowsill for at least an hour; head resting in one of her hands, just watching the storm pass. It was early evening, and she knew she would have to leave soon. She was supposed to head over to her friend Spencer's house in about an hour. Her and her friends were having a sleepover before they went to the lake the following afternoon. They hung out at the lake quite a lot; some weekends, when the weather was especially warm, everyone would meet up there and go swimming. The lake was about two miles away from Spencer's house, surrounded by beautiful woodland and tall rocks you could jump off if you weren't too scared. The water was always cold, but that didn't bother Emily, it was just fun sometimes to go and hang out with friends. Nobody ever bothered them up there, the boys from school would always come with coolers full of alcohol and food, and they would try and start a fire to cook it on, while the girls usually laid around getting a sun tan.

Emily was excited to spend the day with her friends tomorrow. The sleepover would be fun, too, but she knew she was going to be asked a lot of awkward questions tonight. After convincing, no, _telling_ her to go out with Ben, Alison had then told all their friends about it. It was probably so that Emily wouldn't be able to back out. Everyone knew that Ben liked her, and that he was probably going to ask her out soon. Emily was irritated at first…weren't they supposed to keep it just between them? She couldn't figure Ali out. After a while, she supposed it didn't really matter if her other friends knew that Ben had a crush on her, they were bound to find out once he asked her out, right? The thing was…she didn't know if she wanted to say yes. She had _told_ herself to say yes, but she didn't know if that was what she truly wanted. Sure, it would be nice to have boyfriend; all her friends had already had them, but she didn't know if Ben was the _one._ She had always imagined that her first boyfriend would be someone who she was absolutely besotted with…someone she craved and couldn't get enough of. Emily hadn't even really looked at Ben before. She kept telling herself that maybe if she gave it a chance, and _tried _to like him, that maybe she _would _ eventually. Maybe these feelings she was having for Alison would…go away, finally.

_I doubt it_. Emily thought.

She finally stood up from the window sill, stretching her arms out in front of her; working out all the aches and kinks from where she had been leaning on them for so long. She already had an overnight bag and her things for tomorrow packed and ready to go. The large duffel bag sat in the corner of her bedroom, almost bursting from where she had crammed so many towels and sun cream into the side pockets; and the smaller overnight bag sat on top. All Emily had to do was wait for Spencer to let her know she was ready for her.

Just then, Emily's phone vibrated loudly on the dresser. _That'll be Spencer_. Emily thought, and reached over to pick it up. It was a number Emily didn't recognise.

"Hello?" She said, wondering why she was getting calls from an unknown number.

The line crackled loudly, and when a voice finally answered, it sounded faint and far away.

_"_Hey...Em it's me…Emily, can you hear me?" A female voice asked.

Emily could only barely make out what they were saying.

"Yeah, only just." She answered. "Me who?"

"It's Hanna, duh!" Her friend Hanna Marin answered as if Emily was stupid.

"Oh hey Han, whose number is this? Sorry, it didn't come up with your name" Emily stated, switching the phone to her other ear, trying to hear over the crackling of the line. "You're gonna have to speak up because I can barely hear you."

"I'm in the car with Ali and her friend, we're nearly at your house, are you ready?" She asked.

_What friend?_ Emily thought.

"Yeah I'm ready. What friend? I thought Aria's mom was taking us." Emily asked.

The line crackled louder and Emily pressed her other hand to the opposite ear, trying to block out any outside noise so that she could hear the phone better.

"Her brother….…phone…..car…and Ali….." The line cut intermittently, the sound breaking off so that Emily could hear only every few words.

"Tell me when you get here, I can't hear you Han." Emily said loudly into the receiver just as the line went completely dead. She had no idea who this _friend _of Ali's was, or why Aria hadn't called her but she would just have to wait and see who showed up.

About fifteen minutes later, she knew they had arrived outside her house. She heard the car before she saw it. It came screeching down her street and skidded to a halt in front of her house, music blaring and laughter ringing out from the open windows. _That's Ali's laugh_. Emily noticed, running to the window to see. Sure enough, the back car door was flung open and a pair of high heeled boots stepped out. It was Ali. The blonde held the door as she reached inside the car, pulling a smaller, slightly more rounded figure out. Hanna. Emily waved from the window as Hanna rushed up her front garden path and knocked loudly on her door. As Emily turned from the window she noticed Ali getting back into the car; this time, getting into the front, rather than the back. She frowned. _Who was this friend._

Emily grabbed her large duffel bag, hoisting it onto her shoulder and picking up the small overnight bag with the other hand. She manoeuvred the bags down the stairs, being careful not to knock anything over as she went. She opened her front door and in front of her stood a _very_ happy looking Hanna.

"Hey! Oh my god the drive over here was _so _fun! I swear we did like a hundred miles an hour!" Hanna exclaimed.

"Jesus do you guys wanna be any louder, you're _so_ lucky my mom isn't here! If she'd seen that car there's no _way_ she'd let me go with you!" Emily said, slightly irritated.

"Ohhh chillax Em! Come on, get your stuff in the car. Here let me help you." Hanna grabbed Emily's large duffel bag from her shoulder and tried to lift it onto her own shoulder.

"Oh my_ god_ Emily you packed more than me! How is this possible. You know we're only going for one day right? Are you planning to run away and live in a cave or something?" Hanna asked. "On second thought, here." She handed the duffel bag back to Emily. "Ain't _nobody_ got time for that." She laughed. "Gimme the small one before I break my arm, some of us don't have a swimmers upper body strength"

"Gee _thanks_" Emily said sarcastically. She handed Hanna the small bag and the two girls laughed as they left the house.

"Whose car is that?" Emily asked.

"Oh that's Ali's friend Matt." Hanna answered. "He said he'd give us a ride. Aria called and said she can't make it tonight, she's gonna meet us tomorrow at the lake. Apparently Mike fell out of a tree and broke three of his toes _and_ his ankle. They've gone up to the hospital, he has to stay overnight." Hanna stated. "Sorry about the unknown number, I left my phone in my bag in the trunk and Ali was using hers so I had to use Matt's phone."

Emily was taken aback. _Matt. Ali's friend Matt. What the hell? Why would she be anywhere near that idiot? Hadn't he been awful to her? Why was she back with him?_ Emily thought.

She was completely confused. The other night Ali had been devastated, angry, nearly in tears over this guy…and here she was, giggling and laughing and pulling up to her house in _his _car to pick her up. Didn't he cheat on her? Didn't she catch him…doing things with another girl. _Oh my god._ Emily thought. _Weren't they having sex in a car? Please don't let this be the same car from Ali's story. Please don't let this be the same car. I'm about to sit in the back of it. Oh my god. _

Emily and Hanna opened the trunk and emily put her large bag on top of Hanna's, which was already in there. They moved round to the back of the car and opened the doors. _The window looks okay. It's not broken or anything. Maybe it was a different car. _Emily thought.

Hanna and Emily clambered into the back of the car, where Emily had to move about five or six beer bottles out of the way just so that she had somewhere to put her feet. The car had a musty dank smell about it, as if it hadn't been cleaned in years. Matt sat in the drivers seat, one large arm draped over the wheel, and Ali sat sideways in her seat, half looking at Matt, and half looking back at the girls.

"Hey Em." Ali smiled. "You've not met Matt, right?" She asked, with a glare that Emily knew was only for her. She could see in the way Ali looked at her that she was supposed to keep her mouth shut. Alison probably didn't want the girls to know anything about what had happened between them, or that she used to meet Matt before school. She probably wouldn't like it if they knew she needed Emily to go with her for support. _Doesn't look like she needs it now though_. Emily thought grumpily.

"Uh…no." Emily said quietly. "Hi Matt." She glared back at Alison, a confused look on her face. _What the hell are you doing? _She tried to question Ali with her eyes, but if Ali understood her, she didn't show it. She flicked her hair and smiled at Matt, placing her hand on his arm. Emily felt sick. It was one thing to not want Alison with anyone else…anyone but _her, _but to watch her with _this guy_…that was something else. This was the guy that had made Alison _so_ angry that she had thrown a wrench through his window, yet here she was, with her hands all over him, acting like nothing had happened. Alison would surely have a good reason for this, wouldn't she? Emily just didn't know if she wanted to hear it.

"Yeah hi" he said, squinting his eyes at the brunette. He looked between Ali and Emily and smiled a knowing half smile. "Don't I…I know you, right?" He asked Emily with a tilt of his head.

_Yeah. I used to stare at you from across the street while you kiss my best friend. _Emily thought, annoyed.

"No. I don't think you've seen her before." Ali interrupted before Emily could answer. "Now let's go, we don't wanna be late" she added shortly. "Come on…we need to go before Emily's mom gets back, are you just gonna sit here outside her house all day? Move it!" She poked his arm and pointed towards the road.

"Alright babe chill!" Matt said with a smirk, winking at Hanna and Emily. "Hold on tight ladies." He said as he turned his eyes towards the road and revved the engine.

_Ugh. Babe. And don't wink at me you jerk._ Emily thought angrily. She knew she was over reacting. I mean really, what business was it of hers who Ali dated? This guy just seemed so…smarmy. Hanna seemed totally into it, this was probably exciting for her; getting into a car with an older guy and speeding off with music at top volume. For Emily though, it was a nightmare. She wished she had cancelled. If this guy was going to show up tomorrow at the lake she might just have to come up with an imaginary illness and go home. The whole situation made her feel physically repulsed anyway, so it might not be that far from the truth if she went home sick.

Hanna let out an excited whooping noise as Matt revved the engine; and Ali laughed loudly, buckling her seatbelt. _Good idea_. Emily thought. _If I die in this car on the way to Spencer's I am SO coming back to haunt this jackass._

As they sped out of Emily's street, Matt fiddled with the radio until he found a station playing rock music and turned the dial up to deafening. Emily didn't know the song, but Hanna and Ali sang along to the words, shouting the chorus out of the window at passers by, their hair flying around their faces as they screamed. Emily sat and stared out of the window in a stony silence.

It wasn't until the car took a detour down a side street that Emily didn't recognise, that she spoke again.

"Hey, where are we going?" She shouted over the music.

Ali turned around in her seat to lean over and shout back. "Stopping…picking up something a little extra for tonight!" She said excitedly, winking at Emily.

_Ugh, did she pick up that winking thing from Matt? _Normally, Emily's stomach would have given a little flutter if Ali had done that to her any other time, but instead, her stomach churned. She always found it cute when Ali winked at her, it was like she was sharing a little private moment. To think Ali was sharing _private moments_ with anyone else was…uncomfortable. Emily was pretty sure the disdain was written all over her face.

Suddenly, the car lurched forward and came to a screeching halt, flinging Ali back into her chair. "Matt! For fuck sake wait till I'm sitting down before you do that!" Ali scolded, but she was only half serious. Matt shrugged playfully and turned the engine off.

"What are we getting, Ali?" Hanna asked, fiddling with her hair, and trying to flatten it back down to her head.

"Hold on." She answered, before turning to Matt.

"Hun, can you get the cherry one, the Apple one makes my mouth taste all weird." She asked sweetly.

"Sure, I'll just be a sec, wait here. If you see anyone you know…well, just keep your heads down. I'm not supposed to have people in this car it's supposed to be back at the lot, if anyone recognises it, I'm screwed." He added.

"Sure babe." Ali said.

He climbed out of the car, kicking an empty can out of the way as it rolled out of his open door from under his seat. Before closing the door, he ducked his head back down quickly and leaned over to Ali, their faces a few inches apart.

"And for the record, babe, I always think you taste amazing." He kissed her quickly on the lips and Ali leaned slightly in to kiss him back. It was only a fleeting moment, and then he exited the car, slamming the door and jogging around the corner, disappearing into the darkness.

Emily's heart had left her body. It was rolling around on the floor of the car somewhere with the beer cans. She was torn between feeling immense jealousy, and indescribable rage. She wanted to look away, to hide her eyes as they filled with tears, but she couldn't stop staring at Ali.

The second Matt was gone, Hanna leaned forward in hear seat, an excited expression on her face. She accented all her words with a quick dramatic flare of her hands. "Oh. My. _God." _She stated, taking a deep breath. "Ali you have to tell me _everything! _He _totally_ just kissed you! Was that your first kiss with him? Do you like him? Oh my god when did this _happen!?" _She exclaimed excitedly, a scandalous expression on her face.

"Relax Han" Ali said dismissively. "It's not a big deal, really, he's nice and all but to be honest I'm just using him for a ride, and he's gone to get us alcohol. He isn't old enough but he knows the guy in the store and he can _always _get away with it as long as the manager isn't there."

Hanna looked disappointed. "Wait, so…you don't like him?" She asked, confused.

Emily made a noise which came out as half a snort, half a giggle.

"What was that Emily?" Ali looked at her sharply, daring her to elaborate.

"Nothing." She said.

There was so much Emily wanted to say. _He's a cheater, he's a loser, he's a jerk. He will hurt you Ali. He already did. WHY are you doing this. Why are you allowing this. _But she couldn't. When it came to Ali, she never had the courage to say what she was really thinking; so she sat there, quietly, and in pain.

Hanna frowned, glancing at Emily, who looked sadly out of the window.

"Em, are you alright?" She asked.

_No. No I'm not. _Emily thought. Truthfully, all she wanted to do was open the car door and run all the way home. The image of Matt and Ali kissing was now permanently burned into her memory, playing over and over again in her head.

"Yeah" she said quietly. "I just have a bit of a headache, that's all." She smiled weakly at Hanna, who seemed to accept this, and rubbed her arm gently.

"Aww I'm sorry Em, when we get to Spencer's I'm sure she'll have something you can take, she's got tablets for _everything_. I swear that girl is a walking pharmacy!" Hanna laughed.

Suddenly, the car door swung open, and Matt appeared. He jumped into the drivers seat and closed the door with a bang. He held a brown paper bag in his hand and quickly opened the glove compartment, stashing it inside.

"I got the watermelon one babe, Danny said he couldn't get cherry this time. His boss was watching." Matt stated.

Ali wrinkled her nose. "Watermelon? Okay…that'll do I guess." She said.

As the car sped off again, music turned back on full and windows open, Emily closed her eyes, feeling the air rush over her face. Her skin was burning hot. _Just let us get there…get me out of this car. _She thought. She breathed in the cool air as it flowed through the open window into the car, and tried to focus on the music.

"Matt, park round the corner from Spencer's, her mom's a lawyer, the last thing we need is her seeing us." Alison cautioned.

"Yeah" Hanna added. "Her mom is like, _so _scary."

"I don't want her _or _my mom seeing me getting out of this car. Not after what happened the other night." Ali said, before realising her mistake.

"Why, what happened the other night?" Hanna queried, a confused expression on her face.

"Oh…nothing I…" Ali stuttered. Before she could finish her sentence, Matt shouted. "Shit!" And slammed the breaks, throwing all the girls back into their seats forcefully.

"Matt, what the fuck!" Ali shouted. She rubbed her shoulder where her seatbelt had dug into it. "Fuck that really hurt what the hell are you doing!"

"It's my brother!" Matt whispered in a panicked tone. "He _cannot_ see me with this car I'll be totally fucked if he sees me. Shit…what the hell do I do?"

"Where?" Ali asked, looking around. Emily couldn't see anyone either, just a dark street with a couple of parked cars.

"Over there." Matt pointed at a dark coloured car which was parked at the end of the street, bathed in the light of a street lamp.

Alison sighed. "Okay, so let's just get out here." She shrugged. "Girls, we can walk from here right? It's just a couple streets over, no biggie. Matt, you can go." She said dismissively.

She opened her car door, leaving it wide open, and stepped out of the car.

"Ali…" Emily called, but she was already half way round the car, opening the trunk.

"Babe what the hell are you doing!" Matt called. "Get back inside we have to go _now_ before he sees me!" He banged on the steering wheel, making Emily jump.

Emily and Hanna both looked at each other. They could hear Ali unloading their bags from the trunk and dropping them on the side of the road. Hanna acted before Emily did, undoing her seatbelt and scrambling out of the car.

"No, no _no! _You bitches _cannot_ do this here! Get the fuck back in the car!" Matt yelled.

_Screw this._ Emily thought, and opened her door, clambering out. She shut her door, and walked round to the back of the car where Hanna and Ali were struggling to get her large bag out. She grabbed hold of the handle and helped the girls haul it onto the pavement.

"Ali, what are you doing?" Emily asked. She was glad to be out of the car, but she didn't understand why they had to get out right _here._

All of a sudden, they heard shouts ring out from down the street. They were coming from Matt's brothers car.

"You little _shit_!" Emily heard someone yell. She watched as a man's head poked out of the drivers side door, and then watched the car reverse quickly in a U-turn until it was facing them.

Alison quickly darted to the front passenger door, and leaned inside. Emily and Hanna stood back on the side of the road, watching her. She flicked open the glove compartment and grabbed the bag with the alcohol. Then, she slammed the car door shut with a loud bang and leaned down to look at him through the window. She then gave Matt an over exaggerated wink as he looked at her. Emily watched as she smirked at Matt, her eyes squinting maliciously. "Thanks babe." She said, her voice ringing out with a sickly sweet undertone. I _so_ hope I didn't get you in trouble! And oh…next time you wanna _fuck _some tramp, find somewhere a little classier to do it in other than you're lame-ass car you _jerk." _She said coldly, before adding. "Oh, and I guess you won't be driving for a while, so you better make the most of it before your brother catches up to you. Say bye-bye to your car, asshole." She gave him a small wave using only her fingers, with her palm straight up, and tilted her head to the side, smiling.

A look of utter confusion crossed matts face, before his mouth fell open in silent rage. "You fucking _BITCH!"_ He shouted, before darting his eyes to the road ahead of him. His brothers car was hurtling towards him at full speed, and he took one last look at the three girls before reversing his car with a screech all the way back down the street. Matt's brother and his friends hurtled past them, chasing Matt all the way to the end of the road before both cars disappeared from view.

Emily stood next to Hanna on the side of the road, dumbfounded. Both girls stared at Alison in shock at what had just happened.

"Well, that was fun wasn't it!" Ali exclaimed, giving a little clap of her hands, a huge grin spread over her entire face.

"Uhh…_no!" _Hanna said. She pointed over her shoulder with her thumb as she spoke. "Now we're stuck here with Emily's heavy ass bag...and we have no ride to Spencer's! How the hell are we gonna get there with all our crap? What the hell was that, anyway? I thought you liked that guy? What just happened because I am _so _confused."

_You and me both_. Emily thought. She totally understood why Ali would want revenge on Matt, but couldn't she have at least clued them in on it first? Now they were stuck standing like idiots in the middle of the street with all their stuff. This was _so _like Ali. Emily hadn't forgotten the kiss either. She was happy to be out of the car, and that Matt was gone…_thank god_, but she was totally confused by Ali. The minute you thought you had her figured out, she would do something totally the opposite to what you were expecting.

_I don't understand her at all. _Emily thought sadly. _Maybe that's why I love her so much…because she's so unpredictable. She always keeps you guessing. Matts face…he really had no idea what she was planning. Guess she fooled him too._

"Who cares Hanna, did you see his face! That was the best thing EVER!" Ali exclaimed.

"Yeah well our stuff…" Hanna started, but Alison interrupted. "Oh who cares about our stuff! Stop being a baby, we can carry it it's not _that_ hard. Go and ring Spencer and see if she'll come and meet us. She can help us carry it back." She barked. "Stop complaining!"

_Did she really have to kiss him_? Emily thought. _God…why does it irritate me so much? She's never going to love me. Why can't I just accept that?_

"Fine." Hanna said, taking an exasperated breath. "I'll call spencer." She walked off down the road a few steps, her hand on her hip as she called their friend for help.

Alison and Emily stood in an uncomfortable silence. Emily contemplated wether to say anything, or just keep quiet. What right did she really have to say anything anyway? Alison could do whatever she liked. And she always did. Emily turned to Ali. The blonde could clearly see the look on Emily's face. The brunette wasn't impressed, at all.

Alison slapped her hands against her sides and rolled her eyes. "What, Emily?" She said, irritated. "Spit it out."

"Why?" Emily said in a small voice. "Why'd you do that, Ali? I know he...that he hurt you, but was that really necessary? I mean you smashed his window, right? Wasn't that enough?" Emily asked.

She didn't think she would feel bad for Matt, after all he'd done, but a part of her felt guilty at what Ali had done to him. It made her uncomfortable to watch someone being deceived; or maybe it just made her nervous. If Ali could do that to him, and be so convincing, what's to say she wasn't doing the same thing to her...pretending to have secrets and be close with her and then, behind her back just...laughing.

"Emily..." Ali started, looking unsure how to answer. She brought her voice down to a whisper so that Hanna wouldn't hear. "He humiliated me. He made me feel like crap. Do you know what it's like to watch someone you trust...someone you like...with someone else?" She questioned.

_Yes._ Emily thought.

Emily started to answer, but the blonde interjected. "It doesn't matter. It's done. I got my revenge." She said with a shrug. "And _fine_, maybe it _was_ a little harsh, but he'll get over it. Besides, I figure I did someone else a favor anyway. Maybe he'll treat the next girl he gets with the right way." She said, trying to be convincing.

Emily shook her head slightly and looked away, annoyed. She glanced over at Hanna, who was just finishing her conversation with spencer. She was rolling her eyes and talking in an animated voice, obviously explaining what had happened.

_I still can't believe she kissed him_. Emily thought, still unable to remove the image from her brain. _She kissed him and she didn't even want to…it meant nothing and she did it anyway. I'd give anything for her to kiss me, and she doesn't even care. He didn't even deserve it, how could she kiss someone she doesn't even like? She has no idea how precious her kisses are. How can she just give them away randomly? _Emily wondered.

Ali looked at her for a second, searching the brunettes face. What she was looking for, Emily didn't know; but a look of understanding crept slowly across the blondes expression.

"Emily." She stated firmly.

Emily looked up, meeting Alison's scrutinizing gaze.

"Get over it." Alison said simply.

Emily was taken aback. _Get over it?_ Emily thought. _Does she know I'm upset about the kiss? Oh my god...I think she does. She does know, I can see it in her face. _Emily panicked.

Alison raised her eyebrows at Emily, and then turned quickly to face Hanna, leaving the brunette feeling completely shocked. Emily said nothing, she was speechless.

_Get over it. Yeah, easier said than done_. Emily thought.

She really hoped she had misunderstood what Alison had said. Maybe she was thinking Emily was upset about how she had handled things; which she was, but she really didn't want to entertain the idea that Ali knew she was jealous. If she knew that, then she would surely figure out that Emily had feelings for her, and Emily was _so_ not ready for that yet.

Hanna had finally finished her conversation with spencer, and walked back towards the two girls.

"Spence said she'd be over here in a few minutes, she's leaving now. She also said she wanted a _complete_ re enactment of everything that just happened. Oh, and she said she's carrying the smaller bags, you two can get the big ones." Hanna smiled.

"Yeah, well good cause I'm freezing out here." Alison exclaimed, shivering.

Emily fought with her inner emotions. She wanted to stay mad, but she knew if she didn't let it go now, she would be in a mood all night, and it did seem pretty silly at this point to be _so_ upset. The other girls would surely realise, and then everything would be awkward and uncomfortable. Besides, how would she explain it?_ Oh, I'm just annoyed because I'm in love with my best friend and she just kissed someone she didn't even like and by the way, if it wasn't massively obvious, I think I like girls. Or…girl. Shall we have some pizza? _Emily laughed to herself, shaking it off. She needed to take Alison's advice, and just _get over it_. What's done was done. _Let's just get to Spencer's. _

"Ali…you want my jacket?" Emily asked. _A peace offering. Please accept it, so I can just pretend none of this happened and go back to normal. _Emily thought, hopeful.

"Thanks Em." Alison answered, as Emily shrugged off her black and red leather jacket and handed it to the blonde. Ali smiled at her, pulling her bare arms through the jacket and wrapping it tightly around her tiny frame.

_God, she looks good in that_. Emily thought, staring at her.

"You know, I'm so glad I didn't stay in to write my paper for science tonight." Hanna pondered out of nowhere. "It's so much better standing here in the middle of murder-street looking like I'm a prostitute cruising for customers." She laughed.

"Hey!" Ali turned to her. "Speak for yourself!" She giggled, and Emily laughed too.

"Well I'm still glad I don't have to read any more about Buzz Lightyear, I'm totally confused, why do I care about the _second_ man on the moon?" Hanna asked.

Emily laughed. "Hanna, it's Buzz _Aldrin. _Not Buzz Lightyear." She corrected.

"No, it's Buzz _Lightyear_. Didn't you see ToyStory? That's why the little man in it was an astronaut. He's named after the second man on the moon, duh!" Hannah exclaimed, as if Emily was dumb.

"No Han...Buzz Lightyear is supposed to be a joke…it's Buzz _Aldrin._ He was the second, and Neil Armstrong was the first. That's why they named him Buzz Lightyear, it's supposed to be funny!" Emily said with a grin.

Hanna looked momentarily baffled. Her forehead crinkled in complete confusion. "Ali, pass me that watermelon thing." She took the bottle from Alison, unscrewed the top and took a huge swig, swallowing a massive gulp of the pale red liquid. "Well, I think it's safe to say I'm going to fail that test, so I might as well live while I can before my mom kills me." She said matter-of-factly.

Ali and Emily both burst out laughing. Hanna could be _so_ clueless sometimes, but that's why they loved her. She always made everyone laugh. Emily felt marginally better than she had before. "Pass me that Han, I wanna try." She wasn't a big drinker, but she felt a rush of need to get very very drunk. As the sweet liquid hit the back of her throat, she felt better. She just needed to enjoy herself this-evening. There was no more Matt, there was just her... her friends, and this bottle. _Start getting over it_. She thought.

"Classy, ladies!" A voice called from down the street. Emily looked up, passing the bottle back to Ali, who took it and put it back in the paper bag. They could just make out the tall shadowy figure of their friend Spencer, who was waving at them. As she got closer, Emily could make out her long brown hair and her fancy clothes. She was always the smartest dressed out of all of them, always looking like she had just got back from a posh garden party with the English Royal family. She was honest; and clever, and wouldn't ever let you down. Emily was glad she had come to rescue them.

"You guys better finish that bottle, you know what my moms like, she'll smell that a mile away if we take it into the house, she's like a bloodhound when it comes to illegal drinking." Spencer said, pointing at the bottle.

"Catch up then, Spence." Hanna said, handing the bottle to Spencer.

Spencer took the bottle, eyeing it cautiously. "Ooh. Yum." She said unconvincingly. Watermelon…sparkle?" She said, squinting her eyes and reading the label slowly with a hint of disgust. "I think I'll pass, thanks." She held the neck of the bottle in two of her fingers, as if it was contagious, and gave it back to Hanna.

"Your loss!" Hanna exclaimed, taking another large swig. "More for me!"

"Alright Han, slow down, we've got to carry these bags back to Spencer's and I'm sure as hell not carrying you, too!" Ali chided.

"Alright, alright!" Hanna exclaimed. "Let's go then, come on. Here, Emily take this." She handed Emily the bottle, which Emily was happy to have.

They each took a bag, Emily heaving her huge duffel bag onto her shoulder and Hanna taking her own marginally smaller one. Alison took her own and Spencer gathered up all their smaller overnight bags in her long arms.

Luckily, Spencer's house wasn't too far away. Emily was _almost_ losing the feeling in her left shoulder by the time they got to her front door. She was also feeling a little dizzy, too. As they were walking along, she had been taking a _lot _of little swigs from the watermelon drink. She looked down at the bottle in her hand, noticing there was only about a quarter of it left. _Wow I must have drank, like, half! _Emily thought. She suddenly burst into a fit of giggles. _Oh no, I think I might be a little drunk._

_"_Wow, Em you might wanna take it easy." Spencer said, eyeing the brunette and the bottle tucked under her arm. "Ali, take Emily straight out to the barn when we get in. Just dump the bags by the door, we'll get them later." Spencer instructed.

The four girls made their way into Spencer's house, setting the bags down by the door. A wave of warmth hit Emily head on as she walked through the front door. She was feeling particularly dizzy after coming in from the cold, and suddenly everything seemed to be spinning. _This is not good._ She thought, stumbling slightly over the door mat.

"Em for god sake, how much did you drink?" Ali asked with a smirk.

_Like, half the bottle._ Emily thought.

"I'll be fine, I just need some water and I'll be okay. I just think I drank it a bit too quick, that's all." Emily said, shrugging it off.

"Hanna will go get you some water." Spencer instructed, pointing at Hanna, who nodded in agreement. "I'll go and get the spare bed covers, I've left them in my room." She said, before adding "and Ali can you take Emily…_now please,_ before my mom sees her."

"Sure." The two girls exclaimed, Ali adding a quick salute with her fingers. Spencer bounded up the stairs, leaving the blonde and the brunette alone in the hallway.

"Here, Em." Ali said, taking her jacket off. "You can have this back now, thanks for letting me borrow it." She passed Emily's jacket back to her.

Emily took the jacket, and held it up to her nose, smelling Ali's sweet perfume. She was in heaven. Her jacket would smell like Ali for days now. She smiled. "Ali you smell _so _good." She muttered, her head spinning.

_Wait. Shit! Did I just say that out loud? Oh my god, I did! Kill me now! _Emily realised with horror.

Alison tilted her head to the side, in her cute, kittenish way. "You know…" She started. "I think I kinda like drunk Emily." She said sweetly, and winked at the brunette.

Emily's mouth went dry. She was pretty sure her entire face had gone bright red, her cheeks felt warm and flushed. Their eyes lingered for a few seconds, and Ali smiled a half-smirk that made Emily feel even dizzier. She remembered something about that smirk…wasn't she supposed to hate it? That idea seemed a million miles away now that it was just the two of them, alone again.

"Then…why don't you join me?" Emily asked, handing Ali the bottle. She shook it a little.

"Shhh Emily put that away!" Alison scolded. "You heard what Spencer said, come on I need to take you to the barn." She moved closer to Emily, taking the bottle away from her and hiding it inside Emily's rolled up jacket. She tucked the illegal bundle under her left arm. Alison put her right arm around Emily, holding her up and the brunette could smell her perfumed hair. She laid her head on Alison's shoulder gently. Ali helped her quickly through the house to the kitchen, and out the back door to the barn. The brunette wrapped her arm around Alison's back, holding her tightly. She stumbled a little as she walked, but she didn't care. She knew if she fell, Ali would catch her.

When they got to Spencer's barn door, Ali set the jacket with the bottle in it down on the floor. She turned the handle of the door and switched the light on, illuminating the room in a soft amber light. She turned to Emily, whom she was still propping up. Emily raised her head from Alison's shoulder and followed as Ali walked into the centre of the room. Both girls looked around the ground floor. The barn was decorated in dark wood. It was cosy, but spacious at the same time. The ground floor had a large open space which the girls usually used to have their sleepovers, preferring the privacy of the barn to the main house. Spencer was planning to do the whole barn up someday and she kept going on and on about her plans. The girls had seen practically every different colored carpet sample that spencer had found over the last few weeks. She had made an entire book full of diagrams and sketches, detailing what she wanted it to look like. For now though, it was half storage and half second living room. Perfect for just the four of them tonight.

Alison fiddled with a switch on the wall, watching the light as brightened and dimmed as she turned it.

"Ooh, dimmer switch, sexy!" Ali said in a sultry tone. "I bet some action goes on in here!"

"Sexy" Emily repeated quietly, looking Ali up and down. _God I love you…I really love you. _Emily thought, feeling the alcohol buzz around her head. Alison paused for a moment, her fingers still on the switch. She seemed to hesitate for a second, before her hand slowly dropped to her side. Emily took a deep breath. _Why is being around her so hard for me? _She thought. _Why can't I just…get over it. _Alison walked towards the brunette, her body illuminated in the amber light. She stopped a few inches away, but close enough that Emily wasn't sure if it was the alcohol, or the gorgeous blonde in front of her which was making her dizzy. Alison reached a hand up to the side of Emily's face, tenderly brushing a strand of her hair behind her ear. Her fingers seemed to linger as they trailed slowly down the side of her neck, stopping just as they reached the side of her jaw. Emily's eyes were hooded, and she struggled to keep them open. Her breath caught in her throat in a short, but quiet gasp. Alison held Emily's face in her hand as if it was the most delicate thing in the whole world. The brunette felt a rush of warmth course through her body, her skin tingling with desire.

"You feeling okay, sweetie?" Alison asked with genuine care in her voice.

Emily swallowed. Her voice was barely a whisper as she murmured "yeah...I'm feeling better now."

The barn door burst open suddenly, slamming against the wall with a loud bang. Both girls screamed loudly, and Alison's hand jerked away from Emily's face. Hanna stumbled clumsily through the doorway, almost tumbling flat on her face as she half-fell into the room.

"Oh my god! Who left their stuff by the door! I actually nearly died! It's a miracle I didn't throw this water all over you two! Why'd you leave the jacket by the door!" Hanna asked, setting the glass of water down on the side table.

"Sorry, my bad, I was trying to carry Emily _and_ open the door at the same time." Alison said. "Where's Spencer?" She asked.

"Oh shit, probably trying to carry the duvet covers all by herself." Hanna said, whipping her head over her shoulder to look backwards through the open door.

Suddenly, a silhouette appeared in the door frame.

"Help. Now. Help." Spencer pleaded, almost buried beneath the huge pile of covers she was carrying.

"Oh my god she looks like the marshmallow man from _ghostbusters!" _Hanna squealed, howling with laughter.

Emily rushed forward to take the pillows off the top of the pile, making Spencer's head visible for the first time. Spencer quickly dropped the rest of the bedding onto the floor with a loud exhalation.

"Next time…" she stated. "I'll get the water."

"Yeah, well, half of it nearly ended up on your floor." Hanna pointed out.

"My floor? My nice, varnished, soon to be immaculately polished floor?" Spencer asked, alarmed.

Ali interjected. "She's just kidding."

Spencer smiled. "Good! Because I'm decorating this whole room next week and I need it to be _perfect_." She started arranging the bedding so that they had a pile of covers on the floor to lie on.

Hanna gave Alison a you-saved-my-life look, and sat down.

"So…Ali, you need to tell me what happened with this guy!" Spencer asked.

_Great, let's bring that up again. Let's hear all about Matt because we just haven't had enough Matt for one night._ Emily thought, annoyed.

"She totally screwed him over." Hanna said. "I've never seen anyone look so shocked in all my life, one minute she was totally kissing him and the next she just threw him to the wolves!"

Ali glanced at Emily, whose stony face was showing her distaste at this particular topic.

"Let's just say, he got what he deserved. I knew where his brother would be, I've seen him parked in that same spot every night for the last week. Probably getting high or something. He acted like a jackass and I dropped him in it, that's all. To be honest I don't really wanna talk about it so can we drop it please." Alison's tone lowered to a level that indicated she did not want to be argued with.

Emily watched Spencer's face. She obviously wanted to know more. Spencer would probably wait until Ali wasn't around and then quiz them on the details later. Spencer and Ali always had a sort of power struggle going on. Ali would command the group and order them around, but Spencer's "_type A" _personality wouldn't always allow her to be a follower. If anyone was going to stand up to Alison, it was usually Spencer. This time though, Spencer obviously thought better of it, and didn't ask any more questions.

_Good._ Emily thought. _The less I hear about that kiss, the better._

The girls settled into their usual routine; laughing, joking, and playing around. They had been sitting in a circle on Spencer's floor, surrounded by pillows and blankets for a couple of hours, just chatting and catching up. They usually watched movies but this time, their sleepover had taken a more adult tone. As the girls had got older, they had slowly begun to faze away the movie portion of the night, and replace it gradually over the months with more illicit activities. Like illegal drinking. At some point in the last hour, on one of Hanna's many food-runs to the houses kitchen, the quarter bottle of alcohol left in Emily's jacket had been brought back inside. It was also now accompanied by a half bottle of vodka that had been stashed inside one of the boxes in the barn, leftover from their last sleepover.

"Emily you've _so _had enough." Hanna giggled.

"I have _not._" Emily laughed, taking another shot of vodka.

_I so have_. Emily thought, her head spinning. She was alright for the first half an hour after she had stopped drinking the watermelon drink, but once the vodka had come out, she went right back to her formerly dizzy self. It hadn't hit her as hard this time, though. She was happy drunk, rather than the kind of drunk you get when you drink something too fast. She still felt like she needed to slow down though.

"Let's play a game." Alison announced, taking her own shot of vodka and tilting her head back as she downed it in one.

_That is the sexiest thing I have ever seen_. Emily thought, her eyes never leaving the blondes throat as her head tilted back. She shifted in her seat to get more comfortable.

"Alright, what game." Hanna asked.

"Truth. But not dare. Just truth." Alison said, pouring each of the girls another shot.

"Okay." Spencer said, leaning over so that she was half lying down, her arm propping her head up.

Alison sat upright like an Indian chief, her eyes scrutinising the girls as they roamed over each face in the circle. "Emily." She stated. "You go first. Truth or…truth?"

Emily's head swam. The image of Alison in front of her seemed to blur for a moment before popping back into a singular silhouette. "Alright." She slurred a little. "I pick truth then, obviously." She laughed, with a small hiccup.

"Who do you like…and don't try and get out of it by saying nobody. You have to say someone, so who?" Alison asked inquisitively.

_I like you_. Emily so badly wanted to blurt out.

She thought about her answer for a moment. The other girls were all watching her intently. Hanna looked especially interested, she was leaning forward on her cushion and practically staring at Emily. She really couldn't say what she _wanted _to say, there was just no way. So the brunette thought about what she should say, and what she shouldn't say. She knew what the girls wanted to hear; Ali had told them all about Ben, and that he wanted to ask Emily out. She would just have to give them what they wanted, even though it killed her to do it.

"I guess, Ben. I like Ben." Emily said flatly. She hoped they couldn't hear the lie in her voice.

"Oh my god! I knew it! I _knew_ you liked him back! You know he's like, in _love_ with you right Em?" Hanna squealed with excitement, still leaning forward on her cushion, excitement written all over her face. Hanna picked up a bag of cheese puffs they had raided from the kitchen, and began to animatedly stuff them into her mouth.

"Really, Ben? He's nice Emily, he's cute, too." Spencer said. "Are you gonna say yes if he asks you out? He's going to be at the lake tomorrow, right Ali?"

"Yeah. He's going." Ali said, looking down and fiddling with her hair, curling it absently around her finger.

"I don't know." Emily said hesitantly. "I guess…if he asks me, then yeah." She looked at Ali. "Maybe I will"

"You should." Ali said. She looked up and her eyes met Emily's.

Emily almost felt like there was something in her look, but she couldn't figure out what it was.

"You gotta take a shot now, Emily!" Hanna exclaimed cheerily, moving her cheese puffs into her other hand and handing the brunette the small shot glass.

Emily looked at it. _I don't think I can handle much more_. She thought. _I'm about to pass out._

Emily took the shot though, pressing it to her lips and feeling the vodka burn as it trickled down her tanned throat. Alison was watching her intently.

"My turn." Emily said, wiping her mouth and setting the shot glass down; a little too sharply. The glass toppled a little and Emily steadied it with her hand before it fell.

"Hanna…who do _you_ like?" Emily asked.

Alison rolled her eyes. "Oh original Emily." She said sarcastically. "And obvious! That's boring, we already know who she likes, she's been in love with Sean Ackard for like, the best part of _ever_." Ali said, flicking her long blonde hair over her shoulder.

Hanna looked embarrassed. She pulled the cushion she was holding tight against her body.

"Yeah, well I guess you guys kinda know that already." Hanna said.

"It's okay Hanna, I think Sean's cute, too. Maybe he'll ask you out tomorrow at the lake? You never know." Spencer said, kindly. Hanna smiled shyly.

"Not if you don't sort those bingo wings out Hanna. Sean wants to see a mermaid, not a human cannonball." Alison said coldly. She laughed, as if it was the funniest joke in the world.

Hanna looked saddened all of a sudden, and her face fell.

"Yeah, I guess you're right." She said, setting down the packet of cheese puffs.

_That wasn't very nice. _Emily thought. Alison could be _so _mean sometimes. Emily always thought Ali made comments like that because she _thought _she was helping people; but when she said things like _that_ it was hard to make excuses for her sometimes. Some of the things she said were just _too _harsh.

An uncomfortable silence filled the room. Emily's head was swimming with the alcohol, and she suddenly felt very sleepy. She knew she should say something to Alison, maybe tell her off…but she couldn't get up the courage to do it.

Alison interrupted the silence, her voice turning scandalous. "Hey, I have something to show you guys tomorrow. Have you ever been up the hikers trail on the north side of the lake."

The girls hadn't, and they all answered "no."

"Well." Alison continued, "there's this thing I want you guys to see, it's kind of cool, and kind of…sexy. You might get want you want tomorrow if you trust me."

"Sexy?" Emily wondered out loud. Her head was really starting to spin now. She laid down on her pillow, her arm underneath her head. She didn't quite have the energy or the balance to keep it propped up, so she just lay there, listening. She pulled her cover over her body, snuggling into its warmth.

"Yeah, it's a secret. Some people know about it, but not many, so you can't tell anyone or _everyone_ will know, and then it won't be a secret anymore." She said, her eyes darting to every member of the circle in turn. "Do you promise not to tell?"

Emily thought she heard Hanna and Spencer agree, but she couldn't be sure because she found herself drifting in and out of sleep. She hadn't even realised she had closed her eyes until she was jolted awake by something tickling her nose.

She awoke with a startled yelp as a finger pressed against her lips to keep her quiet. She blinked a few times, her body completely disorientated.

"Ali?" She mumbled against the finger still covering her lips.

"Shhh…everyone's sleeping." Alison whispered. Her blonde hair was hanging down over her face as her head hovered just centimetres above Emily's.

The brunette was instantly awake. Her head felt a little fuzzy, but she was acutely aware of Alison's close proximity as she pushed herself up slightly. Ali's finger left her lips as the blonde sat down beside her.

"Did I fall asleep?" Emily asked, confused. She looked around the room, which was now shrouded in darkness and deathly silent. She noticed she was still wearing the clothes she had gone to Spencer's in, but that Ali had now changed into her pyjamas. Ali was wearing a light pink cami with cute pink boy shorts. _And no bra_. Emily noticed, looking away. She hadn't realised she _had_ been looking until her eyes were already there.

_"Shhh"_ Alison said, her voice barely audible. "You fell asleep while we were talking, the others only just fell asleep about an hour ago. I couldn't sleep over there next to Spencer. It's too cold by the door, can I get in with you?" Ali asked timidly.

"Of course you can." Emily answered, opening her quilt for Ali to climb inside. She thought Ali would get in in front of her, but instead, the blonde climbed in behind her, her chest pressed up to Emily's back.

Having Alison so close was tantalising for Emily. All she would have to do is turn around and their lips would be just an inch apart. She contemplated turning over, but when she felt Alison's hand on her waist, she changed her mind.

"I'm sorry Em." Alison whispered, snuggling closer to the brunettes back, her arm tracing slow circles on the waistband of Emily's jeans. Emily closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She could feel the blondes fingers gently pushing into the fabric, teasing her right above where she was feeling an overwhelming sense of pleasure.

_I picked tonight of all night to fall asleep in my jeans. _Emily thought. She desperately wished she was wearing something thinner; she would have felt Ali's touch so much stronger if she had.

"Sorry for what?" Emily asked, leaning back a little, hoping to feel more of Alison's body behind her. To her surprise, Ali curved into Emily as she moved backwards, pushing their bodies together so there was no space between them. She hugged Emily so tight that Emily could feel Alison's breasts against her back. She was in heaven. If Alison could see Emily's face, she would see that the brunettes mouth was pressed into one of the biggest smiles she had ever had.

"For the things I do…and say, sometimes. You know I care about you, right? I care about you _so _much." She said sincerely, burying her face in Emily's hair.

"I know, Ali. I know." Emily answered. _You have no idea how much I care for you, too." _Emily thought.

Alison moved her hand higher, her fingertips just lightly touching the skin on Emily's stomach, slightly pushing Emily's shirt up as she trailed patterns just below Emily's belly button. Emily's stomach flipped. Alison must have felt her suck her stomach in with a jolt, but if she did, she didn't say anything. Emily closed her eyes. _Could she…maybe like me, too? _She wondered.. _Maybe, just maybe_. Emily thought. Hope fluttered in her heart for the first time.

Always, when Ali touched her; Emily felt like a tiny flame was burning inside her chest, right where her heart was. It would flicker and dance at a smile, it would flare at a touch, and always…always, it burned.

**Authors note: So, there it is, I hope you like it! I really appreciate your reviews as always, you guys help me SO much! You have no idea, you really do. I am writing "the kissing rock" right now, so there's more sexy emison stuff to come hehe! I was also wondering if any of you would like to see some of Alison's POV as I was thinking of including it? Please let me know, I appreciate all your feedback. I'm still SO surprised that anyone is actually reading this! Sexy times will come. Love you all. My Twitter is hauntedtwilight :)**


	5. Dream

**Authors note: You are all so kind, thank you so much for your feedback. Some of the reviews were really touching! Your are all helping me immensely. I am now going to include Alison's POV in the coming chapters and she has some VERY interesting things to say, too ;) I am trying to keep the timeline as accurate as possible, the flashbacks in the show are hard to keep track of **_**exactly**_** but I'm doing it to the best of my ability. There might be some small changes here and there, but ehh, I don't think you'll mind. You're all awesome. **

When does a dream become reality? It feels real when you're in it, like it's actually _happening._ Dreams are a tangible experience, weaving through your consciousness with tendrils of hope, and desire, wrapping around you and holding you tight. The flames of your imagination take something wanted, and make it whole. When you're experiencing something phenomenal, and _truly_ experiencing it with every part of your mind, how can anyone say that once you wake up, it was all just…imaginary.

Emily Fields was dreaming of being kissed. She could feel her body ache as soft lips touched her own; fingers running through her hair, her lips moving against another's, pulling her closer and closer until she had to pull back, gasping for air. A pair of crystal blue eyes glittered in front of her. She leaned back in…

When Hanna Marin tripped over Emily's foot, and woke her up, it was the most disappointing moment of her life. Hanna landed in a heap on top of Emily, jolting her awake. Emily opened her eyes, still foggy from sleep, to see the outline of a female body with long blonde hair leaning across her.

"Ali...?" Emily said groggily, squinting.

"Emily! Sorry! I _totally_ didn't realise that was your foot, I thought it was just the end of the cover!" Hanna said apologetically.

Her eyes focused, and Hanna blurred into view.

"Han?" Emily said, still disorientated.

Hanna pushed herself up and off of Emily. She stood up and looked down at the brunette.

"How are you the first to fall asleep and the last to wake up?" Hanna asked, laughing and shaking her head. Hanna then stepped over Emily, walking to the door of the barn.

"Just getting some food, you want any?" She asked Emily casually.

"No…thanks…I'm okay." Emily answered as Hanna smiled and opened the door, leaving the room.

Emily took a second to remember the events of last night. She could remember talking with her friends, and that she had lain down mid conversation because she felt a little tired. _Or a little drunk. _She thought. _I must have fallen asleep. _

The light streamed into the room as Emily sat up in her makeshift bed of covers.

_Wait._ She thought. 

She remembered something else about last night. A hazy memory danced in the corner of her mind. _I really shouldn't have had that last shot of vodka_. Emily thought. She was _sure_ that Ali had woken her up in the middle of the night. She had gotten under the covers with her. They held each other and talked…or rather, Alison had held _her_, maybe a little _too_ intimately. _Hadn't she?_

Emily's hand shot out behind her, landing on the empty bed spread behind her, she darted her head round, finding an empty space next to her. _She was there_. _I know she was there…wasn't she? _Emily couldn't be sure. She had dreamed of Ali all night, she had dreamed of kisses, of touching, of love. But she couldn't be sure if her memory was playing tricks on her. _Did I dream that, too? It felt so real…she climbed inside my covers and held me tight to her body. She found me in the night...I know she did. _Emily thought, but she couldn't be sure.

Just then, the barn door opened and Spencer, Hanna and Ali walked in, carrying mugs of coffee. Spencer knelt down next to Emily and handed her a streaming hot cup, which Emily took and set down on the floor next to her.

"No, no! Coffee rings! Dresser, dresser!" Spencer indicated frantically, pointing to the dresser next to Emily.

"Sorry." Emily blurted out quickly, grabbing the mug and sitting up to place the mug down carefully on the side.

Hanna glanced sideways at Alison, mouthing "OCD" and smirking mischievously.

Spencer sighed, a relieved look on her face. "It's okay! I thought you could probably use some coffee, how's your head?" She asked, amused.

"Actually, it's not that bad, I think I slept it off. I slept really well last night, I don't even remember falling asleep." Emily said truthfully.

"Yeah you totally sparked out Em, I was in the middle of talking and you fell asleep right in the middle." Alison said, her back to Emily. Alison was busy cleaning up and hiding the evidence of their drinking. She was picking up the empty bottles and stashing them inside a large black bag. Emily wasn't sure, but she had the feeling Ali was avoiding looking at her. _God, I need to stop being so paranoid…it was just a dream._ Emily thought.

"Yeah…" Emily said hesitantly. "When did you guys go to sleep?" She asked. _Where did you sleep, Ali? _She thought.

"Not that long after you, to be honest." Spencer answered. "You weren't the only one that drank too many shots." She rubbed her head as she spoke, and sipped her hot coffee, wincing a little as she swallowed.

"Well I slept okay but I totally woke up like, five times last night. I kept hearing this banging noise in my sleep, I was too afraid to open my eyes. This barn really creeps me out at night." Hanna said with a shudder.

"Well _great_ thanks Han, at least if someone was breaking in to _murder_ _us all_ we could count on you to save us…with your eyes closed." Spencer said sarcastically in mock-seriousness.

"Yeah well I'm telling you, I heard a noise" Hanna said, tilting her head dramatically towards Spencer. "And I'm surprised you didn't hear it too, it was right over by where you were. It sounded like someone was walking around over there."

"Oh. It was probably me." Ali said nonchalantly. I got up to get water. I went straight back to sleep though, I slept straight through after that."

_Funny, because I don't see any water glasses._ Emily thought.

Alison still wouldn't look at her. The thing was; Emily felt that sometimes, when these little moments would happen between them, that Alison was just as into it as she was. Then, there were other times when she couldn't be sure anything had happened at all. Like it was all a dream. Like…her imagination was just playing cruel, painful jokes on her. This was one of those times.

She had been half asleep last night, and _so _drunk. She had even dreamed of kissing Ali, and she knew that hadn't really happened, because what happened in her dream was so intense that she would have woken up the entire room with the forcefulness of it all. Did Ali sleep next to her last night? It had all felt so real, so tender. Alison was either _acting_ like nothing had happened, or nothing actually _had_ happened, and Emily was just completely mistaken. She couldn't be sure which. All she knew, was that these little confusing moments were getting more and more frequent, and if she wasn't dreaming them, and constructing reality from fantasy, then _something_ was going on between her and Ali.

_How can I be sure? _She thought sadly. _I want her so much…I'm probably just making myself believe it. Why would she ever want me?_

Hanna answered Alison with a sigh. "Oh well, that was probably it then. Elephant feet, much!" She laughed, tossing a pillow at Ali.

Alison dodged the pillow, swinging her hips fluidly to the side.

"Guys!" Spencer yelled, her arms outstretched in a stopping motion. "There will be _no_ throwing of the pillows in this room!" She exclaimed. "The last thing I want is to be picking up feathers for the next month while I try to varnish this floor."

"Didn't you already varnish it?" Hanna asked.

"Shh, Hanna don't ask about the decorating." Ali whispered loudly, knowing everyone could hear her. "She'll only tell us about it again."

Spencer threw Ali a raised eyebrow, and Ali responded with a smile of angelic innocence.

"Anyway, where's Aria? Did anyone hear from her yet? Or is she meeting us there, still." Emily asked.

Spencer started gathering up the bed covers as she spoke. "Nah, her phone has no signal at the hospital, she told me last night that she'd just meet us there later. I know Mike was supposed to be going though, but obviously he can't now with his ankle being broken and all." Spencer said, folding the covers into large, neat squares.

"Well that's not cool." Hanna said with a hint of sympathy.

"Oh whatever, what was he doing up a tree anyway? What is he... like, five years old?" Ali scoffed."

"Ali!" Hanna said, gasping. "Mike's really nice, don't be mean."

"Oh yeah" Ali said, looking at Hanna. "When did you two become such good _friends_?" She insinuated.

"We aren't…I mean…he's just, he's Aria's brother, so he's like, one of ours, that's all." Hanna said. Emily noticed that Hanna looked a little flustered.

"Well if he's one of _ours_ then we should be able to use his stuff, right?" Ali said.

"What do you mean, his stuff?" Emily asked, confused.

"Well, he hangs out with Chris and Calvin, right? Those two kids with all the fishing gear. Remember, we see them every year with their little tents perched by the side of the lake with their little _rods_ and all their little camping equipment." Ali said, searching for agreement. Nobody seemed to get what she was saying.

"You _know_!" She said, trying to explain. "Chris and Calvin, those two weirdos who stare at your ass when you get in the pool, Emily. _Please _tell me you know who I mean." She said, turning to the brunette.

Actually, Emily did know who she meant. Chris and Calvin had been the ones pointing and laughing at her when Dale Warriner had asked her out a while ago. The two would _always_ be at her swim practice sitting in the corner of the room, sniggering and pointing at all the girls. They were a bit creepy, but they were harmless. They were quite obviously obsessed with half naked girls, though, and her coach had kicked them out of the pool area numerous times.

_Oh, now she wants to talk to me, when she needs backup. _Emily thought.

"Yeah, actually I do." Emily answered truthfully.

"_Thank you._ God I'm glad someone else pays attention." The blonde said in exasperation.

"Yeah so…what about them?" Spencer said.

"Well if Mike isn't going anymore they won't need their third tent will they. So…we can totally use it." Ali concluded.

"Use it for what?" Emily asked.

"Boys. Emily. We can use it with boys." Alison said, sharply.

Emily felt like she had been slapped in the face. _Use it_. What exactly did she mean, _use it?_

"What, you mean..." Hanna trailed off.

_Thank god someone else asked. I feel sick. _Emily thought. She quietly stood up, and tried to make herself busy, gathering her things together in her overnight bag. She considered leaving the room to freshen up and get changed, but she _really_ wanted to hear the end of this conversation.

"Oh, I don't mean _that_ exactly, God I'm not slutty McSlutterson you know, jeez!" Ali exclaimed, rolling her eyes.

"I just mean you should text Aria, Spencer, and ask her if we can use Mikes tent. He isn't going to need it any more and we have enough stuff in ours already. You guys all brought _giant_ bags with you. If we have an extra tent it means we have _three _tents altogether between the five of us, rather than two. If we squeeze three of us into one tent, and two in the other, we can keep the other tent spare in case anyone hooks up!" Alison said, her plan obviously fully formulated in her strategic mind.

"Oh yeah, who do you plan on hooking up with, Ali?" Spencer asked inquisitively.

Emily was _really_ listening now.

"Someone, maybe. Or nobody…wouldn't you like to know." She winked, slyly. She wasn't giving anything up.

"Come on Ali, _is_ there anyone?" Hanna asked. "Oh no, it's not that guy from the car last night is it? I don't think I could look him in the face after we ditched him like that."

Ali avoided the question. "It's not just for _me_ you know! Sean is going to be there Hanna, and Ben…for Emily. And Spencer…I'm sure we'll find you someone." She added, with a dismissive wave of her hand in Spencer's direction.

"Yeah…hooking up in a tent, Ali? I think I'll pass anyway." Spencer said.

"God you guys are _such_ prudes! It doesn't have to be for hooking up, you know. Just…privacy, incase we want it." Alison said with a shrug.

"Alright, I'll text Aria and tell her to bring it. I guess it wouldn't hurt to have the extra room anyway. But I'm sure as hell not using Mike Montgomery's tent to hook up with _anyone_. That's just…creepy." Spencer said, grimacing.

"Actually...tents _can_ be quite sexy." Alison said, her eyes narrowing in a sultry way. "You get the right lights in there…a nice secluded spot. It's like magic, like being in a whole different universe, created just for you. Once you block out the outside world, you feel invincible, like nothing can get in."

"Yeah, unless it's a bear." Spencer said over her shoulder to Ali as she took a handful of covers back into the house.

_Tents can be quite sexy. She sounds like she's had some…experiences with that. _Emily thought, her stomach twisting uncomfortably.

Hanna gathered up the other half of the covers and moved towards the door. "Hey Spencer wait, I'll bring these in." She called out helpfully. She piled the last two pillows on top of her stack of covers and left the barn.

Emily and Alison stood in a noticeable silence. Ali tried to make small talk, but it seemed forced.

"Hope it doesn't rain later, that storm last night was bad, wasn't it." Ali said casually.

"Yeah." Emily answered. "It feels like it's always raining here, lately." The brunette ran her fingers through her hair. She felt _so _awkward. For once, she actually wanted to be away from Alison. All the while that Ali was talking about _hooking_ _up_ and sexy tents that could block out the outside world, Emily was wishing she could block out her dream from her memory.

"I'm going to get changed and freshen up." Emily blurted out suddenly, and abruptly left the room, leaving Ali alone. The fresh air hit her face outside, and she took a deep breath.

It was mid morning by the time the four girls were ready for their day at Rosewoods only lake. Luckily, the sun had emerged and was finally shining down freely, undiluted by clouds. It looked like it would be quite a hot day, after all. Emily smiled. The girls soon hit their first obstacle, they now had two tents and all their camping equipment with them, as well as all their bags. After trying for about twenty minutes to cram all their bags into one car, plus themselves; they had finally given up and asked Spencer's sister Melissa to drive them. She and her boyfriend Ian could each take a car so they would all fit, plus their bags and tents. Alison and Emily climbed into the back of Ian's, while Spencer and Hanna got into Melissa's car.

Emily didn't mind Melissa, but Alison had pulled her aside before they picked their cars and told her that, in no uncertain terms, was she getting into a car with "that witch." Alison didn't seem to like Melissa at all. Emily wondered why. Sure, Melissa was a little…_scary,_ but she wasn't _that_ bad. They hadn't even been around her all that much, she was always away and even Spencer didn't see her that often anymore. Emily couldn't figure out exactly _when _Alison had had the chance to find a reason not to like her. Then again, Alison never really needed a reason.

Ian helped Alison into the back of his car, holding her hand as she put one foot inside, and held onto the support handle. As Alison hoisted herself up into the back seat of Ian's jeep, Emily noticed something. She couldn't be sure, and maybe it was one of those things she had been _imagining _lately, but she was acutely sure she saw Ian check Ali out. His eyes had fixed on Alison's legs, as her dress rode up slightly. Emily knew he was looking at how long and lean, and perfectly toned her milky skin was as her dress raised slightly, revealing just the barest peek of her thigh, before it was gone. She knew he was looking, because _she_ was looking too. _Well, I guess he's a guy, after all. _Emily thought. _It's normal for a guy to look, it's just what they do._

The ride to the lake wasn't too long, the lake was still in Rosewood, but you had to twist your way through what seemed like endless miles of winding roads to get there. It was pretty safe, though, in the summer it was always packed with people and there was a friendly atmosphere to the place, not much trouble ever happened there.

Alison and Ian had chatted throughout the drive and Emily noticed that every now and again, Ian would turn in his seat and look over his shoulder at Ali as they talked. He was asking her an awful lot of questions; what she liked, what she didn't like, where she went on the weekends. He didn't really ask Emily anything, at all. The worst part was, Ali seemed completely into it, too. She would answer as if she was trying to impress someone, trying to make herself sound older, even.

He seemed a little…over friendly. Emily wasn't sure if it was just the raging jealousy talking, or if he really _was_ flirting with her. _Yeah, well if he is…she's encouraging it. _Emily thought.

The two cars pulled over. They parked up by the side of the dirt track that led to the lake. They had chosen to camp on this side because you always got the most amount of sun in this area, and you could avoid being drenched with water as the boys jumped off the rocks on the other side of the lake.

Ian and Melissa helped the girls get their bags from the trunk, and set them down on the side of the road. Spencer and Hanna had walked off up the road a little way to get a better signal so that they could call Aria. Ian waited until Melissa had got back in her car before he turned to Alison.

"You sure you can carry all that stuff by yourselves? You need a hand?" He asked, leaning with one arm against his jeep.

"No, thanks, we got it, I'm surprisingly strong." Alison chuckled, flicking her hair back and putting her hand on her hip.

"I bet you are." Ian drawled, his eyes slowly moving down Alison's body, and back up again.

_Ugh! _Emily thought. _Does every single guy on this planet have to flirt with her right in front of me? Is this some cosmic rule cooked up by the powers that be to piss me off! _Emily rolled her eyes.

Suddenly, they heard Melissa yell, her head poking out of her window. "Ian! Come on! I don't have all day!"

He signed dramatically. "No rest for the wicked." He gave a flirty half-grin at Alison. "See you around?" He asked.

"Definitely." Ali replied, her eyes flicking up and down his muscular physique.

_Great_. Emily thought, folding her arms.

Ian smiled, and jumped back in his car, following Melissa back up the road, and leaving the girls to their day.

Emily pivoted her body round to face Ali head on. She raised her eyebrows in a questioning look.

"Ugh." Ali exclaimed, a disgusted look on her face. What a total _sleaze!" _ She hauled her bag over her shoulder, and walked over to Spencer and Hanna.

Emily wasn't convinced. Alison might be acting like she wasn't into it, but she could see how Ali was acting in the car, she was hanging on Ian's every word. _Unless she was faking it? _Emily thought. _Why is she so confusing? _Emily supposed that she had to take into account the fact that Alison confused almost _everyone_ she met. You never knew where you stood with her. Since the first moment Emily had seen her; Alison had been a mystery, an enigma, to her.

Emily put Ian out of her head. There was no use keep thinking about it, what good would it do? They were at the lake, on a beautiful day, and Emily was _determined_ to have fun. She was mostly looking forward to getting into the cold water. She always got so hot just lying around in the sun and she was excited to get into her bathing suit and go swimming. Every year, before they ate food from the makeshift barbecues the guys always brought, they would all jump into the lake. The guys always challenged the girls to a race, there was a small island right in the middle of the water which they would all try and swim to; the guys would jump off the rocks when they started, and the girls would charge into the water from the shore on the opposite side.

Emily dragged her huge bag over her shoulder and walked over to where Spencer, Hanna and Alison were standing. They all started off towards the path which led down to the lake. They could hear excited shouts in the distance, and playful laughter. The sun beat down on the path and Emily wished she could get changed now, rather than when they got there. She was seriously starting to regret bringing such a large bag. She knew that if she hadn't, though, they'd all be sitting on the floor, getting sand and rocks stuck inside their toes. Nobody else ever thought to bring chairs. Spencer always remembered the tents, but Emily was always in charge of bringing the chairs and blankets. She had the foldable kind that rolled up into a little tube.

When they reached the end of the path, it widened out into a large open clearing. Emily could see that a _lot_ of people were already there. Some were swimming in the lake and others were milling around by a large fire. _Who needs a bonfire? It's boiling._ Emily thought.

The changing area was full. A large wooden cabin was perched at the side of the shore. Usually, fishermen used it to store their things in, for a charge; but in the summer, they opened it out and allowed the public to use it for recreation.

"Come on." Hanna started "let's dump our stuff and get changed, it's _so _hot I feel like the wizard from the wizard of Oz!"

"The wizard?" Spencer asked.

"Yeah, you know." Hanna explained "I'm melting! I'm melting! Ahhhh!" She whipped her hand to her head and dramatically pretended to fall to the floor.

"Ohh, no Han that was the witch, not the wizard." Spencer said, laughing.

"_N_o. It was definitely the wizard. The witch got squashed by the house, duh!" Hanna said.

"Okay first off…no, there were two witches, and secondly…" Spencer started to explain, but was cut off mid sentence by Alison.

"Guys! Can we not, I'm dying here I need to change into my bikini like, now." Ali said rolling her eyes.

"Okay, but it was definitely the wizard! I remember the witch getting squished because she had totally cool red sparkly shoes." Hanna stated with a nod of her head.

Spencer decided to give up, and smiled. "Okay Ali, you and Emily go get changed, then. Me and Hanna have to wait for Aria and I don't want her to get here and her not be able to find us if we're all in there."

"Alright." Emily said as Ali shrugged in approval. They got their clothes out of their bags, which they left with the other girls; and started off towards the changing room. Ali linked their little fingers together as they walked side by side. Emily loved it when she did that, it made her feel as light as a feather. She enjoyed any contact with Alison, really, and she always did her best not to show it.

The line for the changing room was extremely long. By the time Ali and Emily had got to the front of it, they could see Aria standing with Hanna and Spencer in the distance, carrying a large rolled up tent.

"Good, she brought it." Alison said, squinting in the sun to see the girls.

"Yeah, great." Emily answered, her voice anything but pleased.

Ali turned to look at Emily, her mouth twitching in an amused smirk. "What's your problem Em? Don't you want to go out with Ben? You know that's the real reason I asked Aria to bring it, right? So you two could have some privacy."

"Ali, he hasn't even asked me out yet! I don't think we'll be needing _that_ kind of _privacy_, thanks!" Emily exclaimed.

Alison looked down for a moment, then flicked her eyes up to meet Emily's. "No Em, I just thought…I thought if he was going to ask you out, you might, you know…want to do it somewhere private. I know you get shy sometimes…and I just…I thought you might not want to do it in front of everyone." She said kindly.

Alison's hand reached up to rub Emily's arm tenderly. Alison continued. "I know I said all that stuff about hooking up…but it was just a cover, really. I didn't want to tell the other girls that that's why I wanted Aria to bring it." She said, dropping her hand back to her side and looking at Emily with a serious expression.

All this time, Emily had been thinking Ali just wanted to hook up with boys, and now she felt bad. She shouldn't have thought the worst of her. Alison was just trying to help her out, and it was actually pretty sweet of her to think of Emily like that.

"That's…that's really nice Ali. I guess…I do get shy. Truthfully, I don't really know what to say to Ben. If he asks me out…what should I say?" Emily asked.

She had been thinking about it a lot lately. She knew it was coming, it was all she had heard about from_ everybody_ the last couple of weeks. She knew that today was probably the day that Ben would take her to the side. Ali had pretty much told her as much. She felt a nervous ball of energy in the pit of her stomach every time she imagined it happening. Part of her wished it wasn't going to, and the other part of her wanted to see what it would be like, to _finally_ be with someone. Be normal.

"Emily." Ali started to speak, but halted. She looked conflicted all of a sudden. Emily searched the blondes eyes for an answer.

"You need to _try._ You're never going to know what you really want until you do. I don't want you to…make a mistake, with someone else….I want you to be _happy_, and you're never going to know what that is unless you give it a shot." She concluded.

_I wish you understood why this is so hard for me. _Emily thought.

"I…I want…I want to be happy, Ali." Emily stuttered with a melancholy tint to her voice.

_I just can't be happy, without you. _

"I know you do. I know Em." Ali said sweetly. She reached up to Emily's face with her right hand, cupping it gently. Her thumb rubbed lightly across Emily's cheekbone. "You have no idea how special you are, Emily...you have no idea how much I care about you." She added quietly. "I care about you _so_ much."

_That sounds familiar._ Emily thought. _Where have I heard that before?_

"I know you do, Ali. Thank you, for looking out for me." Emily said, finding herself hit with a strange sense of déjà vu.

"Always." Alison said.

Emily loved Alison a little harder in that moment than she ever had before. Ali was so often cold and cutting when she was around the other girls, and Emily sometimes forgot what she could be like when it was just the two of them, alone. When it was just her and Ali, it felt as though there was a charge between them, a spark. She felt a connection between them that she couldn't even explain in words. Ali was her _best_ friend. She couldn't imagine anyone in her life that was more important to her, and when they were alone, she felt like the most important person in the world to Ali, too.

The door in front of the two girls abruptly opened, and a girl with long auburn hair came out of the changing room.

"This ones free, sorry I took so long, these ties are a bitch to do up!" She said, indicating to the bows on her bikini.

"Tell me about it!" Ali answered as the girl held the door open for Alison to take the handle.

"You wanna go in first, Ali?" Emily offered.

"Don't be silly!" Alison chided. "We can both go in together…besides, I need help with my bikini too, I can't reach round the back to do it up." She winked sexily at Emily before pulling her by the arm into the small room. Emily's heartbeat skyrocketed.

The room was cramped, and there was barely enough room for the two of them, let alone their bags. Emily didn't mind though, being this close to Ali in a confined space was…intoxicating. Alison placed their things down on the small bench. The room still smelled faintly musty, it had been used all winter to store fishing gear, but as soon as Ali stepped into the small space, all Emily could smell was the strawberry scent of her long blonde hair. Emily felt slightly awkward. She had changed lots of times before in the locker room, but never in front of Ali. She glanced around the room nervously, fixing her eyes on anything but Alison. She could see Ali removing her top from the corner of her eye.

"Emily are you gonna get changed or what? Come on, you can change in front of me, don't be shy!" Ali laughed, taking her shorts off.

Emily slowly began to change, trying to keep her eyes away from Ali and just concentrate on what she was doing. It was just _so _hard having her so close. She pulled her bikini out from her bag, her hands shaking a little as she realised she would be topless in front of Alison in about three minutes. She turned so that her back was to the blonde; but the space inside the room was so small that as the two girls undressed, their backs and elbows kept knocking together. Emily lifted the shirt off her body and over her head, holding it to her chest as she looked up at the ceiling with nerves.

_It's okay, just do it quickly, she's not even looking._ Emily thought.

She quickly undid her bra, fumbling with the clasp as she rushed to get it off. She picked up her bikini top to put it on, still trying to cover her naked breasts with her crumpled shirt. Her hands shook so badly, that when she tried to move the top she was clutching to her chest away to put the bikini top on, she dropped them both on the floor in a fluster.

Emily stood in the small room, naked from the waist up, her heart beating like a drum against her chest. She quickly darted to the floor to pick up her bikini top, but a perfectly manicured hand snatched it up first. Alison was kneeling down on the floor right next to her, holding the top.

"Here" Ali said, holding it out to her. Her eyes flicked up and down Emily's naked chest, smiling slyly at the brunette. One of Ali's eyebrows arched up slightly. Emily's face went bright red. "Thanks…I…thanks" she stuttered, mortified.

"Oh…no problem at all...really…." Ali said with a slight hint of suggestiveness.

Emily quickly stood up and turned back around, hurrying to get changed. _Oh god oh god oh God_. She thought. _I cannot believe that actually just happened._ _I am such an idiot!_

Emily had never changed so quickly in her entire life. She finished getting ready with the notion in her mind that she wouldn't look Ali in the face for the rest of the day. Of course, that all changed when Alison started to struggle with the tie on her bikini, and asked Emily to help her do it up. Ali had one hand on the back of her neck, holding the end of the tie against it. "Can you do this up for me, Em? My hair keeps getting in the way."

Emily obliged, turning around so that she was facing Alison's semi naked back. Her pulse quickened. _I need to get out of this room_. She thought.

Emily was sure she saw the hairs on the back of Alison's neck stand up as she brushed her fingers across it, trying to do up the tiny strings.

Her fingers were still shaking with nerves. "I can't, I can't get it, it's…" She broke off, leaning closer to try and steady her hands.

"Emily…" Alison breathed, quietly. "Relax. Okay. Just relax. You can do it." She said calmly.

_Easier said than done._ Emily thought.

She took a deep breath though, calming down, and managed to tie the little strings into a knot. _This is so strange, what's going on here, exactly? _Emily thought. Alison acted as if she knew her close proximity to Emily was what was making this situation so nerve wracking. Or at least, that's what Emily was starting to believe. Each little moment they had together like this just re affirmed Emily's hope that maybe, just maybe, Alison was feeling at least _some_ of this anomaly…this _spark. _It was getting to the point where Emily was afraid that one of these days she was going to spontaneously combust if she didn't say something to her. _I just need to tell her in the right way_. She thought. _One day…I'll have to tell her._

_"_Thanks, Em." Alison said in a hushed voice. Alison turned to face Emily, their faces just a tiny space apart in the small room. They stared at each other for long moment. The room felt charged with electricity. Every part of the brunettes body felt alive with a sexual current. She could literally _feel _herself reacting inside to Alison's presence. _I want to kiss her._ Emily thought. _I want to kiss her so badly. _Emily was about to lean in, and she couldn't be sure…but she thought Alison might have leaned in a little, too, when a loud banging on the changing room door interrupted them. The two girls jumped about a foot apart, Alison banging her head against the low shelf behind her.

"Oh my GOD whats taking so long! Hello! Are you two _fucking _in there or something? How long does it take to get a damn bikini on for Christ sake! The wizard is melting out here! I need to get changed at some point _this_ year please! Hanna Marin yelled, pounding on the door.

"Wizard?" Emily heard their friend Aria Montgomery say from behind the door.

"Please, don't ask, Aria." Spencer said.

Alison rubbed her head. "Ow!" She complained. "YES _alright_, we're coming, wait a sec!" She said in an irritated tone.

Emily quietly gathered up their things. She threw on a loose yellow top over her swimwear to cover up a little, but she couldn't help noticing Alison's barely-there pale pink bikini. It looked gorgeous. She wasn't covering up, at all. _Neither would I if I looked like that. _Emily thought.

They both left the changing room and Emily was only half out of the door before Hanna was squeezing in past her shouting "me first!"

They heard shuffling coming from the other side of the door as Hanna started getting ready. "Hey, you think we can see what they've got cooking on that bonfire? I'm starving."

Alison rolled her eyes. "No change there. At least if we all start melting, it'll take her a lot longer than the rest of us." She remarked cattily.

"Hey, I can hear you." Hanna said, the happiness gone from her voice.

"I know." Ali said, and stalked off, staring at something in the distance.

_And she's back to her usual self. _Emily thought.

"Hanna I'll go over with you, I'm kinda hungry myself." Emily said, feeling sorry for the blonde behind the door.

"Yeah, me too." Aria said, glancing at Emily. Both girls felt sorry for Hanna. Alison was always making remarks about her weight, and sometimes, it just made everyone uncomfortable.

"Great guys, thanks." Replied Hanna.

"Hey! Aria, how's Mike? I'm glad you made it here, we missed you last night." Emily said, turning to the petite brunette. Aria was dressed in her bathing suit already, a cute black rockabilly two-piece. She was always the most originally dressed of the five girls; a tiny rock chick, with pink stripes in her hair.

"Oh he's fine." Aria answered, waving her hand dismissively. "He's annoyed he couldn't make it today but my mom and dad are making a huge fuss over him so I'm sure he'll be being pampered just to his liking at home. It wasn't a bad break, he just has to wear a cast for a few weeks."

"That's good, I'm glad he's feeling better. Tell him I said so, will you" Hanna called from behind the door.

Finally, after Spencer had changed too, the girls were ready to sunbathe. The only problem was, Ali had disappeared. The last time they had seen her, she had been standing only a few feet away, but now, she was nowhere in sight.

She quite often did this, disappear without notice. She would usually appear an hour or so later with a scandalous story to tell, or a boy in tow. Sometimes she'd clue them in on where she'd been or what she'd been doing, but most of the time she liked to keep her little disappearances a secret. Emily guessed that Alison just _liked _to remain a mystery to people…like she _enjoyed _keeping everyone in suspense or something.

The four girls headed over to the barbecue. A group of boys in their year had made a huge hole in the sand on the shore, and covered it with wood. It was now a towering inferno, the flames licking high above their heads.

"Overkill, much." Spencer said as she shielded her eyes from the heat of the flames. "You think they can actually cook on that?" She asked skeptically.

A deep voice sounded out behind Emily. "You bet, we're just experimenting with different types of fuel. We want this baby burning bright all night."

Ben Coogan stood next to the fire, shirtless, with a huge flaming stick in his hand. He threw it casually onto the bonfire and watched with an impressed gaze as the fire flared up.

Emily was taken aback. _Oh my god here we go. Here it comes_. She thought. She could see Spencer, Aria and Hanna _all_ staring at her expectantly. Emily felt nervous, and self conscious. _Say something, anything. This is so awkward._

"Great fire, Ben." Emily said. She stood there, uncomfortably.

"Thanks, it took us all morning to get it going. It should be pretty kick-ass later. You girls staying for the night?" Ben spoke to all of them, but was only looking at Emily.

He was kind of cute, she supposed. He was tall, tanned, and he _did_ have a great body. If she went out with him, it _would_ be considered a catch. She was quite liking the attention. Emily hadn't really had it from any guys before, ever. She was starting to warm up to the idea of dating Ben. She knew he liked her; and maybe, she could like him, too.

"Yeah, we're staying all night. We only just got here, though, so we're probably going to sunbathe for a while and then go swimming." Emily said, surprising herself. It was actually easier to talk to him than she thought.

"I've seen you swim, you kick ass Emily. When we do the rock race later, you gotta lead the girls! Rory thinks he's gonna get to the island first, but I know there's no way he'll beat you, you're awesome in the water." Ben said kindly. He looked at Emily with a sparkle in his eye. She blushed.

"Thanks, that's nice of you. Maybe I will." The brunette answered honestly.

"Got any food? Hanna asked abruptly. "I'm _starving."_

"We tried to cook some earlier but the fire was still too hot. In a little while we're going to try again, though." Ben answered.

He turned to look Emily straight in the eye. "Maybe later I can toast a marshmallow with you…if you want?" Ben asked, a goofy smile on his face.

Emily's stomach did a little flutter. She wasn't sure if it was embarrassment, pride, or nerves. She could see Hanna grinning from ear to ear out of the corner of her eye.

"Sure, yeah, sounds good. I'll catch up with you later on, then." Emily said, trying to sound as casual as she could. She didn't want to come off too desperate.

"Count on it." Ben said, with a sincere nod. Emily smiled at him, and Ben smiled back, looking a little shy himself.

Aria cleared her throat. "So…"

"Okay, I'd better get back to the fire, don't want this baby to go out before our marshmallow date." Ben flicked up his eyebrows and turned round, jogging back to his friends in an animated way.

Every single one of Emily's friends turned to look at her.

"Well! Emily! That went well. Wouldn't you say!?" Spencer exclaimed, her eyes bulging as she looked expectantly at the brunette.

"Yeah Em he's _so cute! _Did you see the way he was looking at you!" Said Aria, happily.

"I wish I had a date with a marshmallow. I'm not getting _any_ _less_ hungry here!" Hanna said, her hand on her hip.

"Yeah, actually, that wasn't as bad as I thought." Emily admitted.

"Bad! What could be bad! A cute, shirtless guy comes over and chats you up, nothing bad about that at all!" Hanna exclaimed. Her eyes searched the waterfront, scrutinising everyone that was gathered around in the distance. Emily knew she was looking for Sean Ackard.

Emily smiled. The whole thing was quite...flattering, really. _Finally…somebody noticed me. _She thought. She just wasn't sure it was the right someone. She knew she should try, though. She couldn't just keep pining over Alison all the time. Ali was probably off doing who knows what and getting with God knows who right now, so why shouldn't she enjoy this moment?

"Hey, isn't that Ian's car, Spencer?" Aria said, squinting into the distance.

Emily could see a white jeep parked far across the other side of the lake. She couldn't be sure whose car it was, though.

"No…I don't know. Maybe, actually." Spencer said, trying to make it out.

"I thought he left." Aria stated.

"Yeah, so did I." Emily said, annoyed. She only needed one guess as to where Alison was.

After grabbing some small snacks from some of the older boys to shut Hanna up, the four girls set up their chairs and blankets on the shore, ready to sunbathe. About ten minutes ago, Spencer had left to get them all an ice-cream. They had been sitting enjoying the heat for the better part of an hour when Alison finally made an appearance. Emily was lying back on her chair, enjoying the sunshine, when Alison stepped into view in front of her.

"Hey guys, did you miss me?" She said, her voice chiming out sweetly.

"Oh hey stranger, where'd you run off to?" Aria asked.

"Nowhere, I just thought I'd take a walk round the lake, you know, get a feel for the place. We definitely picked the best spot." She answered, sitting down on the empty chair next to Emily. She took the last bite out of a chocolate cookie she was eating, and put the empty wrapper back in her bag.

Emily smiled at the blonde. "Hey Ali." She said. She wasn't going to ask Alison where she had been. It wasn't her business, and besides, she needed to stop being so obsessed.

"Hey. Oh my _god _could it _be_ any hotter." Alison said, fanning herself with her hand.

"Well it better last, I heard there was supposed to be another storm later." Aria said.

There was a faint cloud in the distance, but Emily didn't think it would rain. She glanced up at the sky as she spoke. "Hopefully not."

Spencer arrived back at their makeshift camp with four ice creams. She handed them out to each of the girls. She didn't have one for Alison. "Sorry, Ali, didn't know when you'd be back." She said apologetically.

Emily felt bad. She took her ice cream from Spencer and held it out to Ali. "Here, Ali, you want mine? It's vanilla."

Alison looked at her for a second, a grateful expression on her face. "No, but thanks Em." She replied. She stared at Emily for a long moment. Her voice dropped to a level that only Emily could hear. "Besides…" she looked Emily up and down. "I _much_ prefer caramel." She smirked, and then sat back in her chair.

Emily was flustered. She didn't know what to say. She couldn't be positive, but she was sure there might have been a hint of innuendo in Alison's voice. She didn't realise she had been sitting there staring at Alison in shock until a cold drop of ice cream landed on her leg, making her jump.

A booming voice sounded out behind their chairs. Noel Kahn, a boy in their class, stood behind them with his current girlfriend, Prudence. "Hey! Don't wipe that off! Let Ben get it for you!" Noel laughed, making a crude gesture with his tongue.

"Fuck off, Noel." Alison shouted, turning her head round to face him with a grimace.

Noel bounded off towards the lake, giggling manically, Prudence in tow.

Emily felt embarrassed, she nervously tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and wiped the ice cream off with a piece of tissue from her bag. She kept her eyes down.

"Ugh, men are such pigs." Alison stated, wrinkling her nose.

"What do you expect, it's Noel Kahn. Pig is his middle name." Spencer said in a matter of fact tone.

Alison lay quietly on her chair with her eyes closed. She didn't open them when she said "So Emily, I take it you spoke to Ben."

"Yeah." Emily answered, unsure what to say. _I shouldn't feel so guilty. Why do I feel so guilty?_

"Well, good luck, I'm sure you'll get your first kiss today, Em. I'd put money on it." Ali said without a care in the world.

_She wants me to be happy. She wanted me to do this. This is what she wanted. "_I don't know…nothing's even happened yet. We're gonna meet up later and…eat marshmallows." Emily said, surprised at how much she was looking forward to it. She actually had a slight smile on her face as she spoke. Alison was watching her with a steely stare.

"Good." She said. "I'm sure…that'll be fun. Hey, Emily…remind me I have to show you something later, okay." Alison said casually.

"Sure." Emily replied. She wondered what Alison wanted to show her…there wasn't really much around, just the lake, the woods, and the changing area.

Alison didn't elaborate further, and Emily didn't ask any questions. She was sure Ali would show her whatever it was when and only when she wanted to. That was just her way, she gave you things when you least expected it. Sometimes, Emily felt like a little bird, pecking at crumbs. She knew she shouldn't be so focused on Ali, not with all this going on with Ben, but she couldn't help but be enthralled by Alison. She had this way about her, this tantalising mystery that kept Emily waiting, like she was always on the precipice of something, wanting..._yearning_ to have more and more until she had consumed all her mysteries. Ali was like a catacomb of secrets, and Emily was lost, always wandering, trying to find the answers in the dark

.

"You know…" Alison started, her eyes narrowing in a scandalous manner. "When it gets dark around here later…you better not go into the woods alone." She waited, obviously knowing the girls would take the bait.

"And why's that?" Hanna asked, suddenly interested in something other than her ice cream.

Alison lowered her voice to a whisper, and tried to sound as scary as she could. "Because strange things happen around here at night. There are legends about these woods, you know."

"Really? Because I've never heard them." Spencer said skeptically.

"Oh _yes. _Theres one legend in particular…have you guys ever heard of _the crunchola?_" Alison asked.

"The what now?" Said Aria.

Alison went into storytelling mode, her voice a husky, daunting whisper. "It's this…thing. They said it's only been seen by people walking alone at night. It lives in the lake. They say it preys on lone hikers…or young virgins. It waits until you're alone, stalking you through the woods, crunching on the bones of people it's killed. They say that once you hear it, you're already done for. That's what happens when people disappear around here, _the crunchola_ got them. It murdered them, and it keeps their bodies in the lake. It keeps their bones so it can chew on them later. Careful when you girls go swimming…you never know what might come up to grab you." She finished her story with a sip of her drink.

"Right, thanks for that, Ali." Emily said. She knew it was probably a ridiculous old legend, but now all she could think about when she thought of going in the lake was a cold dead hand coming up to grab her ankles.

"I'm going to see if I can get us some food, they _must_ have worked that fire out by now." Alison said, getting up and leaving the girls completely creeped out.

"What the fuck? Great. Now I don't want to go swimming." Hanna said glumly.

"Oh _please. _Don't tell me you guys actually bought that crap." Spencer said. "She's _always _making up stories. You can't trust one word that girl says."

"She wouldn't do that, Spence, she was just having fun. She probably heard it from one of the guys. There's no harm in being careful…" Emily said, trying to defend Ali.

"_Right._ If you say so. Give me her bag, will you Emily." Spencer instructed.

"What, why." Emily said. She didn't want to go through Alison's things without asking.

"Just proving a point. I'll be quick, just hand it to me, will you." Spencer said, her arm outstretched to take the bag. Emily looked around to see if Alison was anywhere in sight, she wasn't. She quickly handed the bag to Spencer, who pulled out the wrapper of the cookie Alison was eating when she had sat down with them.

Spencer unfolded the cookie wrapper and held it out flat in front of Emily's face, so that she could read the name.

Emily read it out loud. "_Crunchola-crunch chocolate chip cookie" _

_"_Figures." Hanna said. "Well, I still don't want to go swimming. Cookie Monster or no Cookie Monster. I'm scarred for life."

_"_See." Spencer said, looking at Emily right in the eye. "Don't believe everything she says all the time, Em, you're too trusting."

"She was probably just trying to have a joke…" Emily tried to defend Alison, but there was no point. Spencer was right. She _did_ make up stories a lot of the time. Emily realised that she needed to stop listening to everything Alison said as if it was gospel. She knew Ali liked to play around, and have fun, but Emily hoped she didn't make up some of the more serious things she said. _I really hope she doesn't make it all up. She cares about me. I know she does…_Emily thought.

Suddenly, Emily realised why Alison's words outside the changing room had been so familiar to her. She _had _heard them before, after all. It wasn't just déjà vu. She suddenly remembered _why _she thought she had heard them before. _You have no idea how much I care about you…I care about you so much. _Those were the words that Ali had said to her last night! She realised all of a sudden that she was _right_. Ali _had_ climbed into bed with her last night. She _had_ held her…she hadn't imagined it, after all.

Before Emily had time to process this new information, Alison had trudged back to her seat with a disappointed look on her face.

"No food yet. God can't they just order some food or something. It's getting ridiculous. They've got that fire piled _way_ too high…I swear us girls could have done a better job. They just keep chucking wood on it over and over again. Like, let it breathe!" Ali said in an annoyed tone.

Just as Emily was about to answer, Noel Kahn and his girlfriend Prudence emerged from the water in front of them. Noel dried off, throwing his towel to the floor unceremoniously. His girlfriend Prudence moved to stand in front of him, provocatively showing off her gorgeous purple bikini. _That's not all she's showing off…_ Emily thought _her boobs look enormous in that!_ Noel rubbed his hands down her arms, covering her in sun tan lotion.

"You shouldn't go out so soon after a boob job" Ali stated to the girls in a judgemental voice. "let them drop down to where they're supposed to be before you take em' out."

"Prudence Finn had a boob job?" Emily questioned, turning her head towards Ali, but her eyes still watching Prudence.

Alison turned to the brunette. "She had to do something to compensate for being named _Prudence_" she scoffed. Emily laughed, wrapping one of the large red blankets around her shoulders. It was getting a little chilly.

"Hey Ali…while you were over at the fire, did you see Sean?" Hanna asked, hopeful.

"Yeah, actually he's sitting right over there, Han." Alison answered, pointing in the direction of a large piece of driftwood a few feet away from where the guys were throwing yet more wood onto the fire.

"Ali! Don't point, he'll see!" Hanna said, alarmed.

"For god sake Hanna just _go over there_ if you're so bothered. He's not going to notice you while you're sitting over here scoffing ice cream is he!" Alison said, exasperated.

"You know what. You're right. I'm going. I'm going to go. This is me going. Alone. Because I'm brave." Hanna stated, standing up abruptly. She just as abruptly sat straight back down again.

"I can't go. I can't do it. Come with me? Please" she pleaded desperately. Alison rolled her eyes.

"I'll go with you Han, I wanna get changed anyway I'm getting a little cold." Spencer said.

Emily looked up at the sky as she tugged the red blanked further around her shoulders. Grey clouds were starting to creep over the tree line, much closer than they had been before.

"Actually, I'll go too. I'm gonna go call my mom, I wanna know how Mike's getting on." Aria commented.

"Thank you thank you thank you!" Hanna chirped, getting up out of her seat. The three girls left Ali and Emily on their chairs and left in the direction of the bonfire.

Emily and Alison sat comfortably alone. They watched Noel and Prudence walk arm in arm away from the clearing, stepping over the large stones that lead to a gap in the tree line. Noel helped Prudence over the rocks as they disappeared from sight. Emily and Alison watched them leave.

"There go Noel and Prudence off to the kissing rock." Alison stated.

_The what? _Emily thought.

Emily waited, she was sure Alison would explain, and the blonde didn't disappoint.

"People have been sneaking off to the kissing rock for hundreds of years." She started. Emily didn't let her finish.

_Here we go, another story. _The brunette thought. She gave Alison a look that said she wasn't going to fall for it, this time.

"You're making that up." Emily said. _I know you're making it up. In a second there's going to be a giant rock monster that eats handbags. _She thought.

Alison looked at the brunette, amused. "Just because I make it up, doesn't mean it's not true."

The blonde paused, her eyes searching the trees. "You go there with somebody…" She continued. "And you can feel the ghosts of the other lovers spying on you…._pushing you_ to do it."

Alison leaned in towards Emily, her eyes dancing flirtatiously. She paused for a long moment, staring at the brunette. Emily's heart rate started to spike. "You know you should never disappoint a ghost." Alison instructed, her voice a sing-song lullaby. Emily smiled shyly. She had to catch herself before she fell for the trick. This was just a silly story. She had to keep telling herself that before she got completely pulled in by it.

"It's…just a dusty old rock." Emily said, meeting Alison's gaze.

Emily realised it wasn't the story that was pulling her in, it was the beautiful blonde in front of her. She could distinctly feel every cell in her body gravitating towards Alison like a satellite. Her body seemed to react to every flirtatious look that Alison gave her. Every time Ali would look her in the eye like this, her heart would melt with desire. The best part about it, was that Alison was acting like she was just as into it. _I know you were in my bed last night._ Emily wanted to say, but found that as she looked into Alison's piercing gaze, she couldn't find the words. She was speechless. _You're so beautiful._ She thought. _You could lie to me a thousand times and I'd take it with ease, just to hear your voice. _

Ali looked Emily up and down in a provocative manner, her eyes flicking from the brunettes eyes to her lips quickly. "Who do you want to take there?" She asked, as if she already knew the answer. _You know. I know you know._ Emily thought, as she met Alison's stare. Their eyes lingered on each other for the longest of moments. Alison smirked seductively at Emily as the brunette held her gaze. An unknown truth passed between them, and this time, Emily _knew _it wasn't a dream. It was real.

**Authors note: So, I had to break the kissing rock into two parts because the chapter got wayyyy too long! Part two is coming up very soon and I promise you there will be some kissing…and some rain ;) I would love to know what you guys thought, and would love to know what you guys would like to see coming up! I take everyone's views into account when I write the story so if there's anything you would like to see please let me know! Alison will also be having her say, too. And she's got a lot to say, I promise you! My Twitter is hauntedtwilight please let me know who you are on Twitter and I'll give you a follow! Thank you so much to every single one of you who is reading and reviewing this story. I love you all!**

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	6. Storm

**Authors note: I'm a bundle of nerves posting this, it means so much to me to get it right, so I'm hoping you guys will like it! Thank you all so much for following this story and reviewing it. You guys are simply awesome and I'm thrilled to finally be able to post the second half of this chapter. Here's the kissing rock. Who's Emily going to have her first kiss with? Ben, or Ali? You'll see... Hope you enjoy it! Please let me know! Mwah! **

A storm can move in slowly. It can build and build until it's bearing down on you suddenly, and you had no idea you should have taken cover. Once it hits, it's already too late. You're drowning.

Emily felt like she was as light as a feather. It was as if butterflies had taken flight inside her stomach and flown her off to soar high above the treetops. She was now _sure_ that this _thing_ between Alison and her was real…that she wasn't imagining it. She didn't know what it was, or how much of the spark Ali felt, but she knew it existed. There _was_ something there. She could see it in Alison's eyes when she looked at Emily. She had seen straight through to her soul, and for those few moments that they gazed into each other's eyes, they connected. An unspoken agreement passed between them, they were feeling the same thing. Or at least, that's what Emily thought.

Alison and Emily hadn't said anything since Ali had asked the brunette who she wanted to take to the kissing rock. They had stared at each other for a while, until Emily felt a few drops of rain fall against her bare legs. It was only a light shower, but if they didn't move quickly, their things would probably get soaked. Emily couldn't believe it was raining, it had been _so _hot just half an hour before. Luckily, there were several large parasols nearby that they could leave their blankets and clothes under while they waited it out. As the rain started to fall harder, Ali and Emily also had to take cover under the parasols, leaving them stranded.

In the distance they could see a large group of people standing under the changing area, huddling under it's slightly overhanging roof, taking shelter. Hanna, Spencer and Aria were waving them over frantically.

Ali turned to Emily, a daring look on her face. "Wanna make a run for it?"

Emily looked at the changing area in the distance, then up at the parasol roof, their only shelter. It was quite a way to run.

"I don't know…I think I'd rather stay here." _With you_ she thought.

"No…come on Em! It's just a little rain, I thought you liked to get wet?" Ali said, her voice ringing in amusement.

"I do like getting wet. I mean…I like to swim. I like the wet, um, I mean, the rain - the water…" Emily stuttered.

"Well come on then, let's make a run for it. Fuck the rain. Let's get wet." Alison said, grabbing the brunettes hand.

Emily realised she didn't have a choice. She was about to get soaked. Alison screamed in delight, gripping Emily hard as she pulled her from underneath their make-shift shelter and out into the pouring rain. The two girls ran as fast as they could across the shore, Ali leading, bounding over discarded clothes and stray rocks. Emily screamed in excitement, echoing Alison, as they leaped up onto the decking of the changing room area, slamming into a group of boys who were huddled together by the doors.

"Oh my god, Ali I'm soaked!" Emily exclaimed, ringing her hair out. It was fun, though, she had to admit.

"Me too!" Ali said, laughing.

Emily and Alison weaved their way through groups of sheltering people until they reached their friends at the other side of the decking.

"Wow it's _so good_ you two took shelter under here, otherwise you might have gotten _drenched_ or something." Spencer said sarcastically, looking the two girls up and down. They looked like a pair of drowned rats.

"Yeah, not my best idea." Alison said, flicking the water off of her hands.

"Oh, I don't know, that was pretty fun, actually." Emily admitted.

Suddenly, they heard a loud banging on the decking as five pairs of feet raced past them. Ben and his friends were desperately charging towards the bonfire, which had nearly been put out by the rain. Emily watched as Ben got there first. She saw him throw at least ten huge logs on the dwindling fire, fanning his arms around the flames.

"Yeah, good luck with that." Ali indicated in the boys direction.

"That's a shame, poor Ben." Emily said. "They worked hard on that fire all day."

"I hardly call throwing a whole load of lighter fuel on a bunch of old twigs _hard." _Alison said scornfully. "They made it too big anyway. At least now it's gone out they might try doing something right for once and letting us girls take over. I hear pigskin is good at manly things like that." She laughed coldly.

"Who?" Emily asked.

"Nobody." Alison said, scowling.

Emily looked at Ben as he kicked at the sand in frustration. She felt sorry for him, he had been so excited about the fire and now it had all been for nothing. She didn't see why Alison had to be so mean about it either.

"Don't be like that, Ali. He just wanted us to be able to have food later." Emily said, glancing over at Ben sorrowfully.

"Whatever, I'm going to get changed. I'm cold." Ali said, walking off moodily.

"How's she getting changed?" Aria asked. "Her stuffs over there." She pointed over to the girls bags, which were still sitting under the parasols.

Emily didn't know, and she didn't get the chance to know either because Ali didn't come back. They had all been shivering under the little changing area for more than forty minutes but Alison still hadn't returned. The rain had slowed almost to a stop. Ben was still by his fire, sitting forlornly next to it, throwing small pieces of wood onto the dim flame. He had managed to keep the tiniest spark alive while the rain fell, cupping his hands around it and protecting it from the water.

Emily was impressed. She had watched as one by one, Ben's friends had given up, leaving him all alone. He never left, though. He sat in the freezing rain the entire time, fighting to keep the fire going.

Ben stood up, his shirtless body gleaming with water. He put his hands on his hips and stared up at the clouds. "Yeah! That's right! Fuck you! I'm eating toasted marshmallows later!" He shouted up at the sky.

Emily laughed out loud. She found the sentiment quite sweet. _Did he really do all that so we could still have our marshmallow date?_ She wondered.

Ben's friends suddenly came running past the girls, carrying a silver canister. Emily recognised one of them, Richie Townsend. He had long scraggly hair and bad acne. He screamed at Ben loudly across the shore. "Dude! I found the other can of lighter fuel!"

He raced over to the fire and poured it on the small flame. The fire burst into life, catching on to the logs and sticks that Ben had piled up, making it a small, but still mighty inferno. It wasn't as big as it was before. _Probably because the wood is all wet_. Emily thought. This didn't seem to bother Ben, though, and he gave Richie a massive high-five and hugged him tight.

Ben left his friends to tend to the fire. He ambled across the rocks towards the changing area.

_Oh god here he comes_. Emily thought. But surprisingly, she found she actually _wanted_ to talk to him. As he reached the decking, Aria, Spencer and Hanna skittered backwards, suddenly finding something else to do.

Emily shivered, the weather finally getting to her. Ben walked slowly up to the brunette, looking her over.

"Fields! You look freezing." Ben said in a concerned voice. He reached up with his hands to rub her shoulders lightly. Emily jumped a little at the contact.

"You can talk" she said jokingly, indicating his shirtless body. "I can't believe you stayed there all that time, _how on earth_ did that fire not go out?!" She exclaimed.

"Well, you gotta have determination." He grinned at the brunette, tilting his head slightly.

Emily's heart did a small flutter. It was nerves more than anything, but she could feel the eyes of her friends watching her, and she was oddly proud that she was having this exchange in front of them. _See, I'm normal_. She wanted to scream. _I talk to boys too! I'm completely normal!_

Ben suddenly called out to one of his friends, a boy Emily didn't know. "Walt, gimme my blanket, will you." He called out.

The sandy haired boy he was talking to reached inside a large red backpack at his feet and pulled out a dark blue blanket. He rolled it up and threw it like a football across the heads of three girls, who all screamed, and ducked.

Ben caught it effortlessly. "Thanks for the throw, jackass." He shouted jokingly at his friend. He turned to Emily, unrolling the blanket.

_"_Here, I don't want you getting cold." He draped the blanket carefully around Emily's shoulders, it fell down across her back to just below her hip. Ben reached for the two sides and pulled them tight around Emily's body, bundling her up. He didn't let go of the ends, he just held them in front of Emily's body, pulling her closer to his own.

Emily blushed at the contact and smiled shyly. "I look like a burrito." She laughed.

"Yeah...but a cute burrito." Ben said huskily.

Emily's heart skipped a little inside her chest. _This is actually…quite nice._ She thought.

"You, uh, wanna take a walk with me, Fields?" Ben asked, still holding on to the blanket.

Emily turned her head to look back at her friends. She saw Hanna mouth the words "GO" and Aria did a little shooing away motion with her hands. _God, there's nothing like being watched when you're already nervous._

She looked up into Ben's chocolate brown eyes. _They're not as nice as Alison's_. A small voice inside her head said, and she had to push it away. Ali was nowhere to be found, wherever she was, and _whoever_ she was with, was obviously more interesting than Emily. Whatever this thing with Ali was, Emily knew that for her it probably meant much more than it did to the blonde.

She had to keep reminding herself that Ali liked to play with people, she was gone even now. Emily had no idea when she would be back. The thing was, even though Emily felt something between the two of them, she couldn't be sure that even if Ali did too, that she wouldn't just…brush it away, as if it hadn't happened. Yes, it was real, Emily was sure of that much…but would Alison accept it? She didn't know. Ali would feign innocence and act as if nothing had ever happened. And what _had _happened, really? An innuendo here, a flirty look there…it was hardly enough for Emily to hold on to and have faith in.

Ben gazed back down at Emily. _He really actually likes me. _She thought. _Here's a person that's trying…that really seems to…want me. _

"Okay." Emily said. Making up her mind.

Ben beamed a glorious smile. "Great! Come on, the rains stopped, let's go over to those rocks, over there."

He pointed about half a mile round the lake, to where a small rock cave was. There were large boulders strewn around on the sand next to it.

"Let's go." Emily said, taking one last look at her friends. Aria, Spencer and Hanna were all staring excitedly.

Ben put his arm around Emily and started walking over to the rocks. She could feel his warmth through the blanket. He was still shirtless and a light sheen of water still lingered on his skin. Emily found it oddly exciting to be walking along the shoreline, with a boy…who had no shirt on. Her cheeks were flushed red as she leaned into his touch.

They were almost half way there, and Emily hadn't said anything, yet.

"Why so quiet, Fields? I make you nervous?" Ben chuckled.

_Yes, actually._ Emily thought.

"No, just…warming up." Emily said, trying to sound casual.

"So... Emily, I guess you kinda already know why I wanted to bring you over here, huh?" Ben suddenly stated.

"No." Emily lied.

"Really? I'd have thought your friend would have mentioned it to you. That's what you girls do, right? Share secrets?" He asked.

"No, what friend?" Emily enquired.

"The blonde one. Alison." He started. "She told me you liked me, a while ago…she said I should ask you out." He continued.

_Wait, she told him I liked him? But she told me he liked ME. _Emily thought, panicking.

"Wait, she _told_ you I liked you?" Emily wondered out loud.

"Yeah, she said you'd had a crush on me for ages, that you watched me play football and checked out my legs." Ben said with a chuckle, lightly nudging Emily in a playful way.

_Oh my god_. Emily thought. _That's exactly what she said to me! Why would she do that? _

"What's the matter?" Ben asked hesitantly. "You do like me, right? I mean…she said you did." He started to look worried.

Emily was unsure how to answer at first. This was _so _typical of Alison. Here she was, _finally_ thinking someone liked her, and it was all just a big set up.

Was Ali playing some kind of joke on her? Emily didn't think she would be that cruel. She could practically hear Alison's sing-song voice chiming out in her head. '_Oh Emily, I just thought you needed a push, so I helped things along.' _Yeah…thanks Ali. She thought.

Part of her was annoyed with the blonde…but the other part was confused. She had obviously done all this so that Emily would date Ben. This spark she felt between them…it _must_ mean more to her than it did to Ali, the brunette thought sadly.

Then, she looked at this boy in front of her, who, despite being unknowingly tricked, actually _was _into her. He seemed kind, he was definitely determined, and Emily had to admit, any girl would think he was cute.

"Umm." She mumbled shyly. "Yeah." She looked at him. "I guess I do." She admitted.

"Well, I'll take that!" Ben said happily, pulling Emily a little closer to his body.

He reached down to grab Emily's hand, squeezing it slightly as he helped her climb over a particularly large rock. He moved, still holding her hand, to sit them down on the large black boulders next to the small cave.

She tried to push back a niggling thought that kept creeping back into her mind. When she had first seen Alison, there had been a fire. It had started in her heart and spread throughout her entire body, making her skin tingle and her head dizzy. She had felt in the first shocking moment that she had seen the blonde, completely disarmed. With Ben…there was no spark. There was a small flutter, she had to admit, but it wasn't the same as it was with Ali. _Maybe it just takes a little while, sometimes._ Emily thought.

There was no good reason why she _shouldn't _like Ben, why she shouldn't give it a shot. Maybe in time that spark would come. Maybe it would burn brighter than all the feelings she had had for anyone before it. Maybe she just had to wait.

"So…you going swimming later?" Emily asked, suddenly nervous. She was sat way out here, alone with Ben. There was no escaping. _I'm not going to run. Don't run. Stick this out. _Emily thought, determined.

"Only if you do." Ben turned his head towards Emily, who was nervously staring straight ahead, focusing on the water.

_It's going to happen. I can feel it's going to happen. _Emily thought. _He's going to kiss me, I know it._

"Emily…I know I said I wanted to have a marshmallow date with you later." Ben started. "I'm not sure I can wait that long, though. Do you have _any_ idea how good you look in that bikini?" He said huskily, his eyes searching her body.

Emily smiled nervously. She suddenly wasn't sure if she wanted this to happen. She had always thought her first kiss would be astronomical. She had played the image of it over and over again in her head, always a different scenario. She had never imagined it happening as she sat freezing on a rock.

"Me?" She questioned. "Hardly…I" but she didn't get the chance to finish.

Ben suddenly interrupted "Emily, yes you do." He said softly, reaching his hand up to cup the side of her face.

Emily swallowed nervously. She was suddenly petrified. _What if I do this wrong. What if I'm not good at this? Oh my god it's about to happen and I have no idea what I'm doing._

Ben leaned closer, their noses barely touching now, as he reached around Emily's neck, pulling her in. He tilted his head, his lips only a whisper away from hers, and Emily closed her eyes, tilting her head so that their lips were almost touching.

Ben was about to close the distance between their lips, when someone shouted from the edge of the tree line. "Emily!"

Emily pulled back, startled, and looked around. She couldn't see the owner of the voice, but she knew who it belonged to.

"Emily." The voice shouted again, this time, closer.

Emily knew it was Alison, she would know the blondes voice anywhere, she always did.

Ali came running through the trees, stopping just short of the rocks.

"Em, can I borrow you for a sec." She said between deep breaths. She bent over, putting her hands on her knees and tried to catch her breath.

"Um, can you give us a minute, we were just kind of in the middle of something." Ben said politely, but it was clear to all that he wanted Alison to go away.

"Uh, what's up Ali? Me and Ben were just…" Emily trailed off.

"Yeah, I can see that." Alison said pointedly, eyeing Emily and Ben's close proximity. Emily shifted away from Ben a bit. She wasn't sure why, but she felt uncomfortable sitting so close to him, suddenly.

"Why do you need her?" Ben asked inquisitively, but with an irritated tone to his voice.

"Relax I'll give her back in a little while, I just need to show her something." Alison said to Ben, before turning to Emily with a stare that said '_come on.'_

"I…I'll be back in a little while, I'll…meet you later?" Emily asked Ben, not really giving him a choice.

Ben looked disappointed. "yeah, sure…just…don't take too long, Fields." He grinned mischievously and stood up.

Emily smiled at him apologetically. "Sorry, I'll be back soon." she said as Ben gave a slight wave and started to walk away, back to the changing area.

Alison waited while Emily climbed over the boulders and over to where she was standing, a few feet away. Emily turned, forgetting she still had Ben's blanket.

"Hey! You want your blanket back?" She called out.

Ben was a little way away now, but he put his hands to his mouth and bellowed "Keep it! It looks good on you!" And jogged quickly towards his friends.

Alison looked at Emily, her hand on her hip. "So…you two looked _cosy._" The blonde insinuated.

Emily was slightly annoyed. Alison had disappeared for God knows how long, she had lied to both Emily _and_ Ben and she now wanted to show Emily something at precisely the wrong moment. _Where's she been all this time anyway? _Emily thought.

She could see that Alison had gone back to get changed at some point recently because she was wearing a shirt and shorts over her bikini. Emily was a little disappointed, she had liked that bikini on Ali. She tried not to think about that though, she was too busy trying to stay annoyed.

"Yeah, we _were_ until you came along." Emily said a bit too harshly. "Where have you _been, _anyway? You just disappeared."

"Well fine don't let me stop you! You can call lover boy back and I'll just _go away _then!" Ali said sarcastically.

_No don't leave._ Emily thought. "No – Ali I'm sorry, that's not what I meant…that's not how I meant it, I mean. I just…I don't understand. What did you want to show me?" Emily stuttered.

She knew she should be mad at Alison for lying to her, but she couldn't help but be a little relieved that Ali had rescued her from that almost-kiss. Part of her had definitely wanted it, but something was just…off.

"Look…" Ali started. "I just had to leave for a bit…okay. Besides, I figured you and Ben could probably use some…privacy." Alison tucked a strand of her long blonde hair behind her ear. She looked down for a second, and then met Emily's eyes.

"Yeah, well we chatted for a bit…but, nothing happened." Emily said.

"Nothing?" Alison said, skeptically.

"Well...actually, we sort of..._nearly _kissed..." Emily admitted. She felt strange telling Alison about Ben. Talking about him with her felt uncomfortable. She knew Ali wanted her to be with Ben; after all, she had taken a lot of trouble to set them up…but every time she mentioned his name…Alison flinched, slightly.

_"_Yeah, I sort of, saw that, Em." Ali said. She looked guiltily at the brunette, but angelic at the same time.

"Wait…you were _watching!?" _Emily exclaimed, surprised. _Why was she watching me? Was she standing in the woods this whole time? Why would she do that? _Emily thought.

"Yeah. Look, I'm not some creeper or anything, Emily." Alison laughed, shrugging it off. "I just…wanted to make sure you were okay." She said in a nonchalant manner.

Well if you were watching, then _why_ did you come running over here? I thought you wanted me to get with Ben?" Emily asked, confused.

Ali looked conflicted for a moment. She took a couple of steps closer to Emily and ran both her hands through her long blonde hair, her expression turning serious. She gestured towards Emily with her hand outstretched. "You…" She trailed off.

"I what?" Emily said.

Ali dropped her hand back to her side. "I just didn't want you to make a mistake, Em." She said quietly.

"A mistake? What mistake? I thought you wanted me with Ben? I know you told him it was _me_ that liked him. I know you told me the same thing. I know you lied to set us up." Emily stated.

The weather had turned cold all of a sudden. Emily was waiting for a response from Alison. She really wanted to know what was going on. The brunette had never been more confused by Ali. She shivered as the wind picked up slightly. It looked as if it was about to rain agin. Emily pulled the blanket around her shoulders tightly.

Alison gave Emily an endearing look. "Emily…you don't know how special you are. You really want your first kiss to be with that guy?" She gestured back towards the changing area, where Emily could see Ben and his friends by the fire in the distance.

"I…I don't know. I guess. He doesn't seem so bad. There's nobody else, so…why not" Emily stated.

"Yeah, Ben's okay. He's good looking…he's nice, he obviously likes you. That's why I thought you guys should be together. But you only just started talking to him today. Are you really ready to kiss him, Emily? Or are you just doing it because you think you should? Are you really happy with this? Ali asked.

"I'm happy, why wouldn't I be?" Emily lied. Alison saw straight through it.

"_Really_, Em?" Alison said kindly, sounding very unconvinced.

_No, not really._ Emily thought sadly. She wanted her first kiss to be unforgettable, and sitting here on this rock in the freezing cold, just wasn't cutting it.

"No…I guess…I guess you're right." Emily admitted, finally. "I've just waited _so long, _Ali. I've waited so long for someone to notice me. I just thought that today would be the day, you know? I wanted it to be special…I wanted my first kiss to be…" She couldn't finish, she didn't have the words.

"Em, you deserve it to be _perfect_." Alison said it with such a seriousness to her voice that Emily felt touched.

"I interrupted you because your first kiss shouldn't be here…it shouldn't be on this stupid rock with some guy you only started talking to _toda_y." Ali said desperately, stepping closer to the brunette.

_You're right. You're so right. I'm not ready to kiss him. I wouldn't even know how. I wasn't ready. I must look so stupid to her, she's so experienced…and I'm so…not._

"Emily…" Alison said desperately. "Come with me." She closed the distance between them and grasped Emily's hand. "I want to show you something."

Alison was so close that Emily could smell her perfumed hair. All thoughts of Ben were forgotten as Ali touched her hand. The blonde just had this…way with her. Emily would follow her anywhere. She could never imagine ever saying _no_ to Alison. Her whole body sparked to life at the smallest of touches.

She followed Ali over the rocks wordlessly. Alison didn't need to ask her again, she acted as if she _knew_ Emily would follow her. The brunette was slightly confused. Alison was in such a strange mood. The blonde was mysterious at the best of times but this…this was just odd. _What could she possibly want to show me?_ Emily thought.

"Ali, where are we going?" Emily asked as they stepped into the forest. The canopy of trees provided some small cover as the rain began to fall lightly. Alison held Emily's hand as she pulled her onto a small dirt trail which led deeper into the forest.

Emily felt Alison's hand in her own. She was slightly surprised when Ali flexed her fingers, linking their hands even closer together. Emily felt a rush of warmth travel through her body.

"Em, I'm going to take you somewhere…somewhere that will just be _ours_, okay." Alison said, her voice ringing with a melancholy chime. "Even if other people know it exists. It's just for us. It's ours alone. Nobody can touch us there, it's our secret, okay." She said.

_Ours. _Emily thought.

_"_I like that idea…" Emily declared. She really, _really_ liked that idea. A place just for her and Ali? She couldn't figure out what on earth the blonde was up to, but whatever it was, if it was just for them, Emily wanted it. She wanted it _so _badly.

Ali looked slightly nervous as she slowed their walking down, turning off the trail, and onto a second, smaller path.

"Emily, do you trust me?" She murmured.

"Of _course_ Ali…I trust you with my life." Emily proclaimed. And she did, she did trust Ali. She knew Alison could be difficult, sometimes, but when it came down to it she _knew_ Ali would look after her. She always did, in the end. Maybe she was naïve, maybe she was a fool…but if she was going to be a fool for anyone, it would be for Alison.

"Good. I trust you, too. That's why…that's why I know you'll keep this between us. This is _our_ place, Emily. Nobody can ever take this away." Alison said seriously.

"Of course I'll keep it between us." Emily said honestly. Ali, what's going on? Where are we going?"

"You'll see." Alison answered with a quiet determination as she pressed forward along the path. She clasped Emily's hand impossibly tight and Emily felt the electricity of their joined hands travel all the way through her body.

Emily felt the rain fall lightly on the two of them as it struggled through the canopy of trees above their heads. _I wonder how bad it's really raining, we can hardly feel it down here_. She thought.

As they walked, further and further along the dim path and into the woods, Emily suddenly felt the air change. The sweet smell of flowers hung the air, the whole forest felt like it was alive…as if it was breathing. The atmosphere was intoxicating. The deeper they went into the woods, the more beautiful everything became. Wild flowers littered the path, their purple and green buds decorating the landscape in a gorgeous rainbow of colour, and all noise from the lake was swallowed up with the trees. Their tall branches crept across the path in front of the two girls, twisting into a canopy, forming a tunnel of arms.

"This is…this is breathtaking, Ali." Emily said, looking up in wonder at the underside of the branches, their flowers casting a purple haze to the ceiling of the trees.

"I know. It's perfect, isn't it." Alison said in a dream like manner.

_It's completely perfect. _Emily thought.

Alison turned down another, smaller path, and pulled Emily over to an opening in the trees. The opening was small, big enough for only one person, but through a small tunnel of leaves, Emily thought she could see a clearing.

"We're here." Ali murmured. "Em, you go through first, we both can't fit through here at once." Ali stated.

"Alright…Ali, what's through there?" Emily asked.

"Something that's ours. And ours alone, Em." Alison whispered. She unclasped her hand from Emily's, and Emily immediately missed her touch. Ali reached up to put a hand on the brunettes back, slightly nudging her forward.

"Go on, Em." Ali instructed.

Emily ducked down, moving through the small gap in the foliage, brushing leaves away from her face as the make-shift tunnel opened out into a clearing. She could hear Alison following behind her, still with one hand on Emily's back. Emily could feel her fingertips pressing into her skin with a pleasant tickling sensation.

The clearing wasn't just beautiful, it was breathtaking. It was like a little secluded piece of heaven, tucked away in secret. Emily walked forward in awe, leaving Alison by the entrance. The wild flowers from the canopy littered the ground, the whole floor of the forest cast in a purple hue. Emily listened to the birds high above the trees as she looked around in wonder. In the middle of the clearing sat a large, grey rock, crumbling and alone.

"This is…" Emily started, but she couldn't find the words to finish.

Emily didn't feel Alison come up behind her until she felt the blondes lips next to her ear. Emily tilted her head slightly and closed her eyes, a shiver running through her body. Her lips parted slightly in a barely audible gasp.

"This is the kissing rock." Ali breathed, her hands finding Emily's hips as she held her lightly from behind, her head coming to rest on Emily's shoulder. Emily felt her heart soar. Alison was _so _close, all she would have to do is turn her head and the blondes lips would be on hers.

Emily let Alison hold her like that for what felt to her like an eternity. It was probably really only a couple of seconds though, until Alison was gone and in front of her before she could open her eyes.

Emily was surprised that she could find words. She was so overwhelmed. "Ali, this is incredible, it's beautiful…I…I thought you made this up." Emily said in awe.

Ali twirled in a circle, her arms stretched out, staring up at the sky and then pivoted around to face Emily. "Surprise!" She said, her voice a wind chime of happiness.

The blonde danced away to the corner of the clearing, reaching down behind a small rock and pulling out a small red canister. Emily couldn't see from where she was standing, but it looked like spray-paint.

"Come over here." Ali called, indicating to the large rock in the middle of the clearing. Emily pulled the blanket tighter around her body. She had no idea how Alison wasn't cold, the weather was starting to worsen by the second and she could feel the rain, now.

Emily ambled across the grassy floor of the forest, glancing around at the tall trees and all their beauty. _Why hasn't she shown me this place before? _She thought.

Alison was bent down, crouched by the side of the rock, the canister in her hand. Emily could definitely see now that it _was_ spray-paint.

"Look, Em." She pointed with her free hand to the side of the rock, where people had etched their initials into the stone. There were dozens of hearts, all with different couples' names written, covering the entire face of the rock. Emily knelt down beside the blonde to look closer.

The brunette reached out, tracing her hand over the carved letters slowly, her fingers dipping inside the grooves, trailing along the lines of past lovers words.

"I thought this place was just for us?" Emily inquired, turning her face towards Alison, a jokey undertone to her voice.

"It is. It's for us…and the ghosts. Remember I told you? Can't you feel them?" Alison murmured quietly, her head raising with her eyes to look around the forest. "Close your eyes Emily. Do you feel them watching?" She instructed, her voice low and melancholy.

Emily felt silly at first, but she did what she was told. She closed her eyes.

At first she felt nothing; but she listened to the sounds of the forest, the rain hitting high above on the leaves of the trees…the wind whipping through the air…and the perfect, perfect quiet that seemed to accompany all that…_noise_, and she felt a calm serenity wash over her. The sounds seemed to fade away, and all she heard was the dim quietness of this place, this magical place that seemed to exist all on its own, solitary and beautiful. She could smell the scent of the wildflowers, untamed as they grew over all the ancient, unchanged trees that had existed here forever. It suddenly didn't matter about all the other lovers that had been here before her and experienced this same feeling, this feeling was _hers_ and hers alone. But she did feel them…the ghosts, the ones who had all felt this magical quietness in the middle of the storm of normality. She felt them watching her from the trees, and suddenly didn't feel so alone. This was a place shared by many, but it's secret kept by all. She felt like nothing else in this world existed but her, Alison, and those ghosts, watching on…watching as someone discovered their secret. This was a place that once you entered, it became yours. Yours and whoever you chose to share it with. Emily could almost hear the whisper of past lovers voices, drifting through the trees, their words a siren in amongst the silence. There was a peace here, a beautiful peace.

She slowly opened her eyes as she let the feeling wash over her. _Wow_. She thought.

When she glanced over at Alison, who was watching her intently, she smiled. Alison smiled back, pointing to the side of the rock. "Look." She said.

Alison had drawn a large red heart with the spray paint. Inside it were the letters EF+AD in huge red letters. It was the most striking thing on the rock, it stood out brightly against the pale stone, overshadowing all the other letters. _That's amazing. _Emily thought, her heart soaring. _I was so enthralled, I didn't even hear her do that._

"Now this place is _ours_, forever." Ali said, her voice husky and serious.

Emily's heart fluttered like a butterfly, she couldn't imagine _anything_ more perfect than this.

"Forever." Emily agreed, staring straight into Alison's eyes. Ali stared back, unable to look away. _I could stay here with you…until the end of time._

"Sit with me." Alison said suddenly, breaking their look. She stood up quickly and took the brunettes hand, sitting them both down on the kissing rock.

Emily glanced around, hearing a faint rumble of thunder in the distance. The ground was wet with the rain, and as they sat, it fell quicker and harder. She could feel the cold drops hitting her skin. It didn't seem to matter though, she was suddenly very warm. She could feel the lovers eyes as they watched the pair sitting alone on the rock, in the middle of this brewing storm.

"I felt them, Ali. I think I _really_ felt them" Emily said quietly, feeling a charge inside her body. She felt as if she was building to something…something big. She didn't know what it was, but she didn't think she could hold it in much longer.

Alison still held Emily's hand. Her thumb moved to stroke across the top of Emily's hand gently, and the brunettes breathing turned shallower.

"They…they watch, and wait. They wait….for a kiss." Alison said timidly. Emily didn't think she had ever seen Alison look so fragile.

Emily didn't have a chance to answer, because at that moment, an almighty rumble of thunder sounded out overhead, startling both her and Alison so much that they jumped. Alison let out a little scream. Both girls looked up at the sky as the rain suddenly poured down. It fell quickly, and heavily with an almighty roar, cutting off all noise from anything else. Both girls screamed, but laughed at the same time. Emily did the only thing she could do, and pulled her blanket over their heads. Both girls held an end with one arm, holding it high above their heads like a canopy. It was hardly good enough, they could feel the rain smacking against it as they laughed in the darkness of the cover.

They hid under the make-shift ceiling giggling and laughing. It only took a few seconds, though, for their close proximity to become obvious. Emily cleared her throat nervously as her laughter suddenly trickled away. Being this close to Alison was intoxicating and Emily was sure Alison could tell that her breathing had turned shallower. Their faces were only a fraction of a centimetre apart, and each could feel the others nervous breath as it escaped their lips.

_She's so close. I'm surprised she can't feel my heart beating. God, why can't I stay away from her? _Emily thought. _She's so hypnotising, I can't escape her…I wish she would just kiss me, and be done with it. Just one kiss. _

Alison looked at Emily for a long moment, searching her face. She smiled slightly, a twinkle of mischief in her eyes.

"Remember…you should never disappoint a ghost." She whispered, daringly. Her eyebrow raised at Emily, and the brunette was speechless.

Alison leaned forward a tiny bit, tilting her head slightly. _Oh my god, is she…is she going to kiss me? _Emily thought, her eyes widening a fraction as she stared at Ali. She couldn't believe it, was this really about to happen?

The corner of Ali's mouth raised in a sweet half-smile as her face ghosted closer to Emily's. The blonde was tantalisingly close, her perfume invading the small space and filling Emily with a need she had yet to experience ever in her life.

Her first kiss…it really _would_ be with Alison. Emily realised.

Emily felt the blondes lips just lightly brush hers, teasing, but not quite making contact.

_Finally, _Alison closed the distance between them. The kiss was faint, and barely there, but emily felt the blonde tenderly bring her lips across her own. It was if time it's self stopped moving, and all they had was this moment, forever. Emily felt every hope…every dream she had ever had, come true all at once.

Too soon, Ali pulled back. Emily could just make her out in the darkness. The blondes eyes were still closed. Emily felt the whisper of Alison's lips still against hers, her mouth tingling with the echo of their kiss. She felt a rush…a rush of adrenaline so strong that she couldn't keep it in any more. At the same time, Alison's eyes flew open. Both girls were still holding up the blanket with one arm, but Emily didn't think she could hold on any longer. She stared at Alison, and Ali stared back.

The air between them was charged, and electric. Alison's eyes flicked from Emily's mouth to her eyes. Emily mimicked the movement. Neither girl knew who leaned back in first, neither girl cared, but their lips crashed back into each other as if a magnet had pulled them back together with a crushing force.

Alison dropped the blanket at the same time as Emily, neither girl caring about the rain anymore. Alison's hands flew to either side of Emily's face, and she pulled her impossibly close as she tilted her head to the side, finally deepening the kiss. Emily felt Alison's tongue graze the inside of her mouth, and she was surprised when her own found its way into Ali's.

The rain fell in torrents around them, drenching them completely as if they had jumped into the sea. Emily felt as though she was underwater, at peace. She could taste the rain on Alison's skin as it trickled down around their joined mouths. They kissed, and kissed and it never seemed to stop. Emily lifted her hand up, her fingers tangling in the hair at the nape of Alison's neck and heard the blonde give a low moan, the sound of it going straight to Emily's core. The sound gave Emily a pleasure she'd never experienced before, and she moaned at the intensity of it. She could feel how wet she was, and not just from the rain. She could feel it inside. Their kiss deepened, and deepened as they crashed together endlessly, like waves. The feeling inside Emily built, and built, and she could hear Alison's breathy moans increasing in frequency.

Suddenly, Alison pulled back, her eyes startled. Both girls breathed heavily, neither able to catch their breath. Alison still had hold of the back of Emily's head, and she pulled her arm back to her lap. Emily let go of Alison, too, and both girls sat looking at each other, blinking through the rain as it covered their faces. Emily and Alison were both panting sharply, trying to catch their breath, still, as they gazed at one another. The thunder boomed above them and they looked upwards at the black sky. Emily felt like the storm was coming from inside her body, a great bolt of lightning had struck her heart, sending fire through her veins.

_Wow._ _That was my first kiss...and…wow. _

Emily used both hands to push her soaking wet hair out of her face. She shivered. Her voice was quiet, and tentative as she spoke for the first time. "Ali…that…" But she didn't get a chance to finish.

Alison wordlessly pressed a finger against Emily's lips. "It's a secret, remember. We don't speak of this, not ever. It exists here, and here alone."

Emily's face crumpled in confusion. She nodded slowly as Ali's finger fell from her lips.

_That was perfect_. Emily finished her sentence in her own head.

Alison stood up, her shirt soaked almost all the way through. Emily could see her pink bikini through the material. Emily didn't think Alison was going to speak again, but she did.

"I guess now…you know what to do." The blonde said, not looking Emily in the eye.

If Emily had known that a kiss could be like that, she would never have waited so long. _I'd have kissed you the first time I saw you, in that classroom. _Emily thought. _I'd have kissed you right then and there, and I'd never have stopped._

Emily wanted to answer the blonde, but she couldn't speak. She was afraid if she started talking, she wouldn't be able to stop. All these feelings inside of her would come rushing out, and she would cry with the intensity of it.

Alison spoke with a fiery passion in her voice. "We're ghosts now, Emily. Whenever it rains, I want you to remember this day. Remember this moment. This place exists only for us. And the rain…the rain is ours, too. Whenever it rains back home, look at the water as it falls and _remember…_this moment belongs to us…it's ours_._"

_Ours._ Emily thought. And she would remember, she would remember for years to come, this rain, and what it meant to them.

Alison looked conflicted. Emily could tell she was struggling with something. She could always tell the blonde was having trouble when Ali wouldn't look her in the eye. Emily stood up, walking softly behind the blonde. She couldn't be sure, but Alison seemed to be shaking slightly. The rain was still pouring down. She tentatively put her hand on Ali's shoulder. Alison whipped around, a forced happy expression on her face. "Come on, silly, that's enough practicing, we better get back."

Ali turned and hurriedly jogged to the trees where they had first entered the clearing, taking one long look back at Emily before she disappeared.

Like thunder, as it chases a bolt of lightning…Emily followed.

The storm raged on.

**Authors note: you have no idea how nervous I was writing this chapter. I wanted to get it right for you guys and give you a good "first kiss." I really hoped you liked it! I'm also wondering if anyone got the "rain" reference to a certain emison phone call in the episode 'the melody lingers on'? Please let me know if you did, I'd really like to know how many of you guys got that reference hehe! Much more to come! Including lots and lots of Alison POV! Please let me know what you'd like to see coming up, too! Your reviews mean the world to me, they really really do keep me going and give me inspiration! Love you all so much! Hauntedtwilight is my Twitter. **


	7. Secret

**Authors note: wow! Your response to the last chapter was AMAZING! Thank you so much I was so nervous about that kiss scene! You guys are all being so helpful and kind it's lovely! I'm glad you all got the rain reference I was hoping you would! This next one is a quick insight to Alison. She will have much more to say and do later on, but for now, this is her secret…**

You can tell yourself something over and over again, but that doesn't make it true. You can also tell yourself you're _not_ something. Others can tell you things, and you can tell _yourself _that everyone else is a liar. What you think you know, and what you really know, are two very separate things. One thing is for sure though, if you're a good storyteller…you can _convince_ yourself of almost anything…

Alison DiLaurentis was a _very _convincing storyteller. So good, in fact, that she sometimes wasn't sure where the truth ended and the lie began.

The blonde lay sprawled across her bed, pen in hand, flicking through her diary. It was her most precious object. Her diary was _so_ precious to her that she even hid it from herself. Alison was a good hider, too. If she didn't want something to be found, you could be sure that nobody would ever even know where to begin to look in the first place.

It might seem obvious, having a large book with "diary" written right across it. It might seem too simple. But once somebody found it, and started reading all the juicy secrets and bitchy comments she had written, they'd be sure to assume that they'd stumbled across a gold mine. Or so they would think.

What they wouldn't know; was that underneath all the flashy writing, the poems, the scribbled pictures, and the terrible comments...there was a secret. They could hold the pages in their hands and never know it was there, but it was…it was lying just below the surface. The trick was, you had to read, to find the secret. But how can you find something that you can't read?

Alison was actually much cleverer than she would have people believe. She would never admit it to anyone at the time, of course, but she actually _liked _to write. She also liked to read, too. She often wondered if this was why she was exceptionally good at telling stories. She just had a knack for it, sometimes the ideas would just come to her and she would just…run with it. Sometimes her imagination ran a little out of control.

It wasn't that she was ashamed to let people know how clever she was, it was just that she needed to be perceived a certain way. She needed to be perceived as _innocent_. Otherwise, how on earth would she be able to get away with everything she wanted to get away with. It got on her nerves sometimes, having to pretend to be clueless. Most of the time when she was giving her 'innocent dumb popular girl' routine, her thoughts would be churning away inside her mind, finding ways to manipulate, to control...to gain.

Alison opened her diary to a new page. She picked up a small blue pen and began to draw across the lined paper in huge letters. She twirled the pen around the paper, making dots and patterns around the words as she wrote the title to her new section.

_Forgive me._ She thought, and began to write.

**...T.h.e...M.e.r.m.a.i.d...**

_Look at my mermaid. If she knew how much power she had, she could have whoever she wants. But she's afraid. I think about what she'd be like if she was as tough as she was beautiful. You can be anything you want to be in this world, but one thing you can't be is weak. _

_My mermaid will never get anywhere if she doesn't toughen up. Honestly, I don't know what I'm going to do with her. She follows me around like a puppy, all I have to do is click my fingers and she comes running. But she's clever, my mermaid, she'll figure it out one day. She'll soon realise what she is. _

_I can't have her looking at me the way she does. Its getting weird. It's like I hung the moon. I need to find some way to get her to stop stalking me, she's all over me. I wish she would give me some space. My mermaid just needs to find her place, that's all. Right now her place is wherever I tell her to go, and of course, she's fine with that. But she needs her own identity. She needs to fly the nest. I can't keep helping her out all the time. She needs to do things for herself, my mermaid, or she'll never learn. _

Alison put down her pen and sighed. _That was the hard part._ She thought. And it really, really was.

Now, came the secret. This was the part that Ali loved, and hated, the most. She reached over to her dresser and set her blue pen down. She then opened the dresser drawer, and started rummaging around at the back of it. Finding what she wanted, she sat back on her bed, cross legged.

She held out the white pen in front of her eyes, inspecting the ink level. It was extremely low. She would have to go all the way over to the other side of town tomorrow to pick up another one. This was annoying, but an absolute necessity. There was only one place in town that sold this particular pen, and she _needed_ to have it. The joke shop.

The best part about writing in invisible ink, was that you could write whatever you wanted and it would disappear. It would just fade away as if it was never there. The only person who could read it, was the person who put it there... the person who knew it's secret. It could only be viewed under ultraviolet light. If you wanted to keep something totally, utterly private, the best place to hide it, was in plain view of everyone.

If anyone ever found Alison's diary, they would find every nasty manipulative scheme she had ever cooked up, but they would never find _her. _Even Alison couldn't see what she had written after she had written it, and this was exactly how she liked it. Once she had written a thought down, it was gone, forever. As if it never existed. Maybe that would mean it wasn't _really_ true. Maybe if even _she_ couldn't see it, then she never had to admit any of it to herself.

All she could see when she looked at the page were the big bold flashy pictures and the scathing judgements about other people. If she could pretend that that's who she _really _was, who could argue with her? The truth was plain to see all over the pages. Still, a sad thought would always creep around at the corner of her mind. _She knew_ she had written it, even if she couldn't see it. There was no erasing that truth, even with invisible ink.

The _real_ diary lay hidden. Her real, painful raw emotion kept covered up underneath a shroud of lies. This was how she would go about her day, too. She would flounce around as the most popular girl in the school, controlling everyone like puppets. According to everyone who knew her, being popular was her _favourite _thing in all the world. Nobody knew that the _real_ Alison loved nothing more than to curl up with a book and read, or spend _hours _writing stories down in plain notepads. She had dozens and dozens of stories she had written, but nobody would ever see them. They too, were written in invisible ink. She couldn't have anyone finding them and knowing that she liked to write…it would make her look…bookish. And so even Alison's short stories were hidden even from herself. She would feel sad about it, sometimes, but she couldn't afford to show anyone that she had even the barest crumb of weakness.

And so she would write another version of herself. She would write in blue pen, in huge letters, and she would write what she wanted people to know, not what she actually thought. She would fill the pages of her diary with everything she wanted people to perceive her as, should they ever find it.

There was one person in particular that Alison had to be extra careful about. She needed to be extra scathing about this person as she wrote her diary, even though it killed her to do it.

_Just in case anyone notices what's going on with us._ Alison would think, as she would write down her dismissive feelings towards her. That person was Emily Fields.

And so Alison finished her mermaid poem and grabbed her special white pen.

She paused, the tip of her pen almost touching paper. She re-read what she had written about Emily. Ali traced the large letter M she had drawn for 'mermaid' with her finger lightly. _I'm sorry, Em, please forgive me._

Alison DiLaurentis placed the tip of the White pen over the letters, and began to write again, right over the top of what she had already written. She wrote fast. From deep within the depths of her soul…it all came pouring out. She didn't have to worry about anyone else ever seeing it, because in a few seconds after the ink dried, it would all just…disappear.

_I don't know how I let it happen. But it did, it happened. I just…couldn't hold on any longer. And I __tried__. God knows, I tried. I knew she would kiss me eventually, I could see it building up. Every time she looks at me, I can feel her mind willing her to do it, and I knew, one day, she would. _

_Actually…I might have initiated it. But that doesn't matter. She was going to anyway, so I just…went first. I wanted control._

_I can't…I don't know what to do. I don't know where this is all __coming from!__ At first, I thought it was just a silly…crush, maybe? I don't know. I just thought it was this stupid thing that would go away. With anyone else it __always__ goes away. But the more I try to get rid of it, the harder it's getting to ignore. I think…I think I like her. I do, actually. I know I do. God why! Why does it have to be her! _

_It started as a game. It was fun at first. I thought she was just…jealous. I thought she would see me with boys and wish it could be her talking to them. But then I'd see how she looked at me, with her big brown eyes and I soon realised it was more than that. God her eyes, I swear, she's the only person I have trouble lying to. It's like she looks right through me. _

_I couldn't help it, at first. When I first began to realise she liked me as more than a friend I would touch her slightly…a hand hold here and there…you know…that sort of thing. I would watch her skin as she would get goosebumps, she would get nervous, and stutter. I wanted to see how she'd react…you know, an experiment. And __God__ part of me started to think it was cute! I'd __actually__ want to see it happen! What the hell is the matter with me! __WHY IS THIS HAPPENING! _

_Im so angry with myself. I should have stopped it there. But I just COULDN'T._ _God I couldn't. She's just got this…way about her…this electricity. She pulls me in. She's so kind, so thoughtful…she's so brave. She has no idea how special she is. And like the idiot I am, I told her that. I actually __told__ her she was special to me. I'm not supposed to do that! I'm not supposed to have anything worth losing. Nobody should know that! What is wrong with me? _

_I saw that idiot Ben checking her out at the pool. Ugh. He needs to go away. I might have looked at her too, actually. But wasn't everyone! That's the thing with Emily…she has __no idea__ how gorgeous she is. If she would just __toughen up__ a bit she could get ANYONE she wanted. Anyone! But it's not anyone she wants, is it! It's me! And she can't have me! _

_She can't…I can't. So that's when I knew. I saw Ben looking and I realised that I was jealous. ME. I was actually __JEALOUS__ of another person. I tried to tell myself that I was just annoyed that Ben was checking her out and not me…but that's not it._

_I swear to LUCIFER if anyone ever asks me about Emily I'll deny it until the end of the earth. _

_But I was…I was jealous of Ben. It was only going to be so long before that great flathead asked her out. So I tried to push them along. Maybe if they dated…it would give her something else to focus on. She needs to find out what she wants. Maybe I was just being selfish…maybe I wanted them to date to see if Emily really did want me. If she dated flathead then she might stop looking at me the way she does. And I can't take it anymore…her looking. Every time she does, I get this…feeling. I'm scared of it. I don't know what to do with it._

_I keep…flirting with her. I know I'm doing it, and I know it's unfair, because there's __no way__ it'll ever mean anything, but I can't help it. I want to touch her ALL the time._

_The more time that passes, the worse it's getting. I'm so afraid of what this means. I __can't__ cross the line with her, I just can't. I keep telling myself this but it's SO hard. What's happened already is bad enough! I keep pushing it back and back but eventually one day when I'm with her, I'll slip up. I nearly have, so many times. We had a sleepover a little while ago…and I almost…I almost kissed her. I wanted to, anyway. She lifted her shirt to show me a bruise…and something about her back, her naked back, it did something to me._

_I'm not supposed to feel this way about her, surely? I know what sex is, I'm not an __idiot.__ But that makes it worse. I __DO__ know what that feeling is. I know that when it starts like that…it means you're attracted. I am attracted. God I am. I don't know what to do…what is happening to me. I wish I wasn't alone with this. There __must __be a way to make it disappear. I haven't even got to the worst part, yet. The part that makes it real. I'll get to that part later. There may have been one tiny slip up…_

_I feel like something crawled inside me and messed up all my molecules. It's __her.__ She did this to me. I wish she would undo it. She just won't…stop. She won't stop loving me. I make so many nasty comments in front of her, too. I say some awful things to Hanna…and still, she keeps on looking. She looks, and I admit, I look back. _

_I'm starting to get __really__ scared. I need this to go away. I need it to. Now. We went to that lake. The one with the kissing rock. I try and tell myself I didn't know it was going to happen…but I did. I knew there'd be a kiss. I had all the intentions of setting Ben up with Emily and letting that great oaf kiss her face off and finally ease this burden. If she could just stop looking at me the way she does…maybe I'd be able to breathe, and realise it wasn't real. That's what I hoped, anyway. I thought once she had someone else, I'd stop feeling the way I do. But seeing her with him just made everything __WORSE._

_I HATE BEN. __The way he looks at her is __so annoying. __He was building some stupid fucking fire and Emily was stood there staring at him the whole time. I had to walk off. I couldn't take it. I thought I'd just go home, leave them to it, but something pulled me back. When I got to the edge of the trail that leads to the car park, I turned around and __there she was__. She was actually walking __away__ from me! She hadn't come to find me at all! And worse! She had her arm around that flathead oaf idiot! He was walking her over to the rocks. Where the fuck did she think she was going! _

_I'd never felt anything like it. I really hadn't. My heart felt like it had fallen into the floor. And that, that really scared me. I don't understand! Ugh! That was what I wanted! I wanted her to get with Ben and leave me __alone__! I couldn't take her thoughts in my head anymore. I couldn't take the constant charge that ALWAYS built up whenever she was around. GOD I WISH SHE WOULD LEAVE ME ALONE. I couldn't get her out of my head. But as I watched her walk away from me…I realised, I didn't want her to leave me alone at all. And that was the scariest part. _

_I just…couldn't let it happen. I couldn't let her kiss him. Honestly, the rage that built up inside me knowing he'd put that damn blanket around her was enough. She wasn't wearing it when I left her. I had to squint to see…but I saw their little human sized dots sit down on those big black rocks right on the other side of the lake. And I ran. I ran so fast I thought my legs would fall off. It just happened, one minute I was standing, staring, and the next I was bolting through the woods. I don't think I had ever run so fast in my __entire__ life. _

_All I can remember thinking, apart from 'ow' as I was scratched by practically __every__ branch that existed in that fucking forest, was: He's not going to take her from me. He's NOT!_

_It was the most peculiar sensation. Every single part of me didn't want to lose her. I __wanted__ her. I did. She was mine, not his. _

_If I hadn't got there when I did, she would have kissed him. I know she would. And WHY shouldn't she! It was my fucking fault! I practically shoved them together! I know I had no right to interrupt, but I couldn't help it. I was sure as hell __not__ going to let her first kiss be with that IMBECILE!_

_I knew I shouldn't have done it. Ugh, WHY couldn't I just keep walking! Why couldn't I just…let her go. I'd already told her to get over it. I'd looked straight at her and told her so when she was jealous of this Matt guy I was playing around with. God, he was such a loser. I was only using him to get free alcohol. He wasn't even worth my tears. And that…that was a crush. That went __away!__ Why can't this go away too! _

_I'm SO glad I got there in time. I stopped it from happening. For a second I felt bad. But was I __really__ taking something __that__ special away from her? She looked nervous as hell. I was so furious. She only ever looked nervous around ME. I probably did her a favour. Yes, that's what it was, a favour. She deserved better than that for her first kiss, anyway._

_Ben looked at me with his big fat buffoon flathead like he was so fucking pissed at me. Good. I hope he was! Who kisses a girl like __her__ on some crappy old rock. I tried to tell myself that that's why I'd interrupted. God, I tried so hard to tell myself that. _

_So...I slipped up. I knew I would. I knew that eventually all these __feelings__ I'd been having would end up somewhere. I just didn't think they'd up on Emily's lips. But they did. _

_I can barely admit this. I can't believe I'm about to say it. I kissed her. I took her to the kissing rock and I fucking kissed her. I thought it would be over quickly…I thought just one brush of my lips against hers and it would all be…finished. She'd have her first kiss, and I'd get to keep that part of her, forever. Nobody would ever be able to take that away. And then I presumed it would just fade away. These feelings would just __stop__. I was wrong._

_I was __so__ fucking wrong. What the hell am I going to do. WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO. I'm not gay! I don't like girls! I'm supposed to get __married__ to a __man.__ A wonderful man with lots of money and I'm supposed to have tonnes of kids and all that crap. I'll have the best life imaginable, so perfect that EVERYONE will be jealous. I'm not supposed to want this, instead. WHY is it that I would trade everything, all that…for one of Emily's smiles. Why can't I get her out of my head? Why is it __JUST her._

_When we kissed, I felt like I'd given her the most precious gift. I could see it in her face it meant so much to her…and my heart, it fluttered in a way I've never felt before. She'll never know how much it meant to me, too. I'll never let her know that._

_Then…then something else happened._

_The rain. When it fell it seemed to block everything out. I don't remember having any thoughts after that first kiss. I just knew…I wanted another. WHY. Why does it have to be her! It all just came pouring out. All this…emotion. I shouldn't have flirted with her so much. It had built us up to this…__other__ kiss. This __amazing__ kiss that seemed to stop time. I could blame her for leaning back in, but I think I did it, too. I think we both did. _

_It's all I can think about. I'm __so__ scared. I lie awake at night and I can still taste her skin. I can taste the water…the rain…the way her hair felt under my hands. And she made this noise…this moan. Like I say…I know what sex is, sort of. I just…don't think I'll ever forget that sound. It haunts me. I want it. I want to hear it again. I kissed her so hard, and so long, I never thought I'd be able to pull away. I had to. I had to stop it. And…I ran. I ran away from it. I can't let her think it was more than it was. I can't let her think it can happen again. The trouble is, I want it to._

_I left her there. God what must she think. I hope it's out of her system. If she's feeling anything close to what I am then I don't see how it could be. FUCK. I made things __so much worse.__ It's never going to go away now. I have to do something. I have to __make it__ go away. _

_I ran and I ran. I knew she was behind me, trying to keep up, but I took a different path and I bolted. I bolted straight to Ian. I found him in his car. He'd been there waiting for me. Ugh all damn day. I'd flirted with him in front of Emily to hopefully give her the message 'I'm into boys' but I didn't expect him to actually come __back. _

_I'd flirted with him a bit in his car right after we'd got changed. Right after I saw Emily topless. And…wow. That burn, that burn I can't ever be rid of…it flamed higher than ever before when I saw her in that changing room. I just…I had to leave. Oh god, what would have happened if the girls hadn't interrupted. Part of me was so relieved that they had…and the other part was so angry! WHY AM I FEELING THIS WAY! Emily topless should NOT be doing this to me! _

_Ian had stayed in his car all fucking day waiting for me. Men are so easily persuaded. I'd told him I'd come back in a bit and I thought he'd leave, to be honest. But as I ran out of the woods there he fucking was, sitting in his car. I must have almost pulled the door off the speed I was going…I jumped straight onto him and kissed him as hard as I could. Fuck Melissa, she's such a witch. _

_I didn't even care. I just wanted __her__ off my skin. I wanted her taste out of my mouth and her face out of my mind. But fuck if she wasn't all I was thinking about while I was kissing him. _

_I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. Not even kissing Ian got rid of her. Nothing would. Why won't she leave me alone! I want her out of my head! _

_I can't have this happen again. I have to __do __something. I have to stop this before it goes any further. I need to make her believe it's all in her head. I want it out of mine. I want it gone. I want her out. I can't deal with this. I've got to get over it. It's just a stupid crush for__ fuck sake! It's got to go away! _

_I __will__ find a way to be rid of this. I will. This CANNOT keep happening. I am Alison DiLaurentis. And I am not weak. I am not. I will make this go away._

_The trouble is…I think I might be in lo-_

Alison stopped writing. She noticed that the ink on the page was no longer wet. The pen must have run out. She watched the last letters of her secret diary fade away into nothing, and she breathed a sigh of relief. It was gone…it was all gone. Her feelings would stay locked up in secret forever, where not even she could see them anymore. Now that they were out, she felt better. The trouble was…no matter how hard she tried…she wasn't sure she could ever _really_ be rid of them.

**Authors note: well, I was almost as nervous posting this one as I was the last chapter! This is the first look at Alison and I really hope you liked it! I hope I got her right! Please let me know what you think of Ali because she's going to be showing up a lot more later on and I'd love to know if you guys are liking her being more involved! This chapter was to test the water to see if you guys still want to hear what she has to say! You're helping me so much with your reviews, you're all wonderful! You really are! please let me know if there is anything you'd like to see coming up! My Twitter is hauntedtwilight **


	8. All Tied Up

**Authors note: Wow! Your response to Ali in the last chapter was AMAZING! And so So helpful! THANK YOU! You've definitely made me feature her thoughts much much more in this story. Trust me, she will have a lot to say and a huge journey to go through. This chapter is hard to write and you'll probably see why lol but it's necessary for Emily to do this for her story to make sense. Slightly worried of what you guys will think of this one! Please let me know, your feedback is massively appreciated. Here we go…Emily is all tied up…**

Complexity. It weaves its way into all the simple parts of life. The parts that are supposed to be _easy. _You can say and do all the right things, but in the end, it's all just _messed up_. Your life can become a big ball of string…all the intricate little threads just…frayed, tangled…and tied up in knots.

Emily Fields was sitting on her bed, picking at her friendship bracelet. She traced the outline of the letters with her index finger. She remembered when Alison had given this to her, just a few months before.

"Can you put mine on for me, Em?" She had asked sweetly, with an angelic smile. Emily had blushed. She had reached out and touched her delicate wrist as she tied the bracelet around it. _Even then…I couldn't touch her without blushing._ _I couldn't even tie the bracelet without my hand trembling. _Emily thought, remembering.

If she had known then just how _tied up_ she would become in Alison, then she would have probably warned herself just how much the blonde would change her.And Alison had, she _had_ changed her. She now held a piece of Emily that no one else would be able to touch. Ever.

Alison had kissed Emily at the kissing rock. Or Emily had kissed Alison…she couldn't be sure. Whenever she tried to remember it, it didn't seem so important who leaned in first. All she knew was that they _had _kissed. It had happened. Finally.

Emily wasn't sure how to even _process_ that information. The whole thing just seemed so…implausible. She would lie awake at night, thinking about it. All night she would feel those soft lips against hers…those hands tangled in her hair…and the way Alison had moaned, harsh, and breathless. She thought that sound would never leave her head.

It was like living inside a permanent dream. Everything felt backwards…instead of not wanting to wake up, she didn't want to go to sleep. Every waking moment was a blissful reminder of what had happened between them.

The thing that worried her the most, though, was that Alison hadn't said a word about it since it happened. Emily hadn't mentioned it either, but that was mainly through fear. Alison had this way about her. She could make you feel something one moment, and then take it away the next.

Emily was completely _terrified._ She was petrified that if she mentioned it even once, that Alison would pretend it had never happened, and then Emily's dream would become a nightmare.

Ali could be extremely confusing. After they had kissed, Ali had just disappeared. Completely. She had left Emily on the path from the kissing rock and just…gone. Emily didn't know where she went, or how she got home, she just knew that the rain had come and the day was suddenly over. By the time she got back to the lake, everyone was packing up their tents, running for their cars. Ben was nowhere in sight, and neither was Alison. Spencer had called her parents to come and pick the girls up, but all they got from Ali was a text saying she had made it home safely.

Emily had tried to text Alison over the next few days but she didn't get an answer. She had eventually called Alison's house phone and heard a few days later from Alison's mother that Ali had gone to stay at a Spa for a few days with some friend named Cecile…or Cece? Emily couldn't remember the name.

And so Emily was left alone with her memory of that day. The only person she could share it with was gone, and she wasn't sure she was even allowed to mention it to her anyway. Ali had said it was a secret, a secret they could never tell. _I can't ever say anything. She wanted it to be a secret…and so I can never speak of it again. _Emily thought. So, she didn't. She put the thought far away in her mind, and tried to keep it there, locked away.

There was one new thing that had happened in Alison's absence, though. Ben had asked her out on a date. A _real _date.

It had happened right after swim practice. Emily had finished getting changed, her hair still wet from the pool, and left the locker room in a rush to get home. She was rushing because she planned to go over to Alison's house after school, to see if she was home from her Spa break.

She was in such a rush that she didn't see the tall figure standing right in front of the door. She smacked straight into the person, dropping her bags on the floor.

Emily bent down to pick up her things. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry!" She had apologised as she looked up and saw Ben, standing above her with a goofy grin on his face.

"Damn, Fields! I thought I was supposed to sweep _you_ off your feet! Not the other way around!" Ben's booming voice laughed.

Emily was flustered. "I...Ben! I'm…I'm so sorry I didn't see you there, I was rushing…and—"

"It's okay, Emily. You can knock into me any time." He teased.

Emily stood up, pulling her bag over her shoulder.

"Here, I'll walk you to your car, I wouldn't want you knocking into anyone else on the way there." Ben said, sweetly.

"I was just, the door…I didn't see you…" Emily stuttered. She was suddenly very jittery.

Ben took Emily's bag, and her arm, and led her to her car. Emily thought it was sweet how he would open every door they came across for her, and let her go through first. She noticed a few looks from her classmates, too, and she felt an odd sense of satisfaction.

"So, Emily. You owe me." Ben said as they reached Emily's car.

_Owe him for what? _Emily thought.

"You owe me a marshmallow." Ben laughed, holding Emily's door open for her as she stood awkwardly next to it.

"Oh, yeah, I guess I do." Emily answered. _Here we go again._

Emily was worried. She knew what he was about to ask. She had been waiting for it for days now. She just didn't know if she _really_ wanted it. Ben was nice, and she _did_ feel _something_ for him, she just wasn't sure if it was affection.

She knew that nothing would ever happen with her and Alison. She _knew_ that. Even if Ali did feel something for her, she wasn't going to admit it any time soon and Emily couldn't even be sure their kiss had meant anything at all to her, anyway. Ali wasn't even there to ask.

"So…" He started, reaching out with the tips of his fingers to casually weave them through Emily's. Their arms hung awkwardly out in front of them. Emily looked at their interlocked hands. Ben pulled her closer, so that she was standing right in front of him now. _Here it comes, here it comes_! She thought, panicking. She looked up at him.

"Emily Fields, will you go on a date with me? I wanna take you out." He said sincerely, looking into Emily's chocolate brown eyes longingly.

Emily tensed up. _What do I say! I can't say no…I don't know if I want to say yes. I guess one date wouldn't hurt. One date is normal. It's what normal people do, isn't it? _She thought nervously.

She resigned herself to the fact that this was going to _keep_ happening until she said yes. _This will keep happening, and eventually I'll be his girlfriend._ Emily thought. The idea scared her, but at the same time, she _wanted _to be his girlfriend. She just wanted to be normal..even if the process of it terrified her.

She looked back up at him and smiled slightly, her decision made. "Alright. I'll go on a date with you." She said back, trying to sound just as sincere as Ben.

Ben beamed at Emily, his big toothy grin spreading practically from ear to ear. He looked relieved. "Good." He laughed. "I was so nervous asking you, I thought you'd say no!"

"No. It'll be fun. I wanna go." Emily said, relaxing a bit. Ben wasn't _that _scary when she started talking to him, it was more the _idea_ of him that scared her, and the more she spoke to him, the less she was afraid.

"Awesome. So pizza, tomorrow night? I'll come an pick you up?" Ben asked.

"Sounds good." Emily said. _It's just pizza, how hard can that be. You just go, eat pizza, and…that's it. Just some pizza eating, no biggie. _

"Great." Ben said, still smiling.

Emily unfurled her hands from his and stepped back, putting one hand on her car door to indicate she was leaving. She hoped Ben got the hint before it got awkward.

"So…I better…" She trailed off.

"Sure" Ben said, taking a couple of steps back. He gave Emily a little wave goodbye, which she returned.

Emily was about to get into her car when Ben darted forward suddenly, grabbing her elbow to twist her around and face him. His face was suddenly veryclose to hers. She could smell his aftershave as he leaned close to her face. He brought his lips to her cheek once, giving her a chaste kiss. Emily's heart jumped in shock. He leaned across so that he could whisper in her ear. "I'm _really_ looking forward to it." Then he suddenly bounded off across the parking lot, leaving Emily standing by her car, shocked.

She had driven all the way home in a daze. _I'm going out on a real first date. A real one. With an actual boy. Not an imaginary one with Alison_. _A real date. _

She couldn't help the small smile that graced her lips as she locked her car and walked into her house. She couldn't help but feel a little proud.

And so, Emily sat on her bed, fiddling with her friendship bracelet from Alison. _We're just friends. That's all we are._ She told herself. _If she liked me like that, it would feel more like it does with Ben. I'd feel that she wanted me. _Emily thought sadly. _And I don't. I thought she did…but she's gone. If she wanted me she would be here, surely? _

Emily's thoughts were interrupted by a loud vibration coming from her cellphone. She looked at the number and saw that Hanna was calling her. She picked up.

"Hey Han, what's up" she asked.

The voice on the other end of the line was excited and shrill. "Oh nothing! Just wondered when you were gonna tell me about your little date night with Ben! Come on Emily, spill!"

_How does she do that! _Emily thought.

"How did you know?" She questioned. "He literally like…only _just_ asked me. How the hell did you find out so fast?"

"I'm observant like that! Well, actually I kinda knew he was gonna ask you. Mike Montgomery told me. It was all Ben was talking about in the locker room earlier. He practically told _everyone _he was going to take you out." Hanna said excitedly.

_He told everyone?! Great, now everyone knows. If it goes wrong, everyone will find out. _Emily thought.

"He did? Great." Emily said, sounding very unimpressed.

"Oh, don't be like that." Hanna continued. "It's really kinda cute. He's liked you for, like, _ever._ Mike told me he's had the biggest crush on you ever since he saw you swimming at first tryout."

"Yeah, cute, I guess. No it is. It's cute. It's nice, actually." Emily said. Her emotions were all over the place. She had to be invested in this now because if she wasn't then _everyone_ would hear about it.

"What were you doing with Mike Montgomery, anyway?" Emily wondered. It wasn't really common practice to be hanging out with your friends' younger brothers.

Hanna went a little quiet, and then said "oh nothing, just seeing how his ankle was, you know. Besides, he _always_ tells me the gossip from the boys locker room. He's like my little spy!"

Emily giggled. "You're so sneaky! I bet you stand outside there all day hoping to see Sean, come on, don't lie to me!" She teased.

"Well _obviously!" _Hanna laughed.

Emily laughed, too. She liked Hanna the most, after Alison. She always knew just how to make her relax and cheer her up. She was also much more intuitive than she would give herself credit for. Emily was always worried that one day she would _see_ just how much she liked Alison. Hanna just seemed to always notice things. Emily wasn't surprised that Hanna was the first person to call her about Ben, she just had a _way _of finding things out.

"So, you nervous?" Hanna asked.

"I am…actually." Emily admitted. She felt safe telling Hanna.

"Oh Emily, don't be. Honestly, what I wouldn't give for Sean to ask me out..." She said wistfully. "I think you're lucky. Ben is really cute, and he's nice. And he _likes_ you. You know how rare that is? I think Ben genuinely cares about you. Besides, did you check out those abs?" Hanna laughed.

Emily blushed. "I did…actually." She admitted. And she had. She had seen his amazing body. If there was one thing Emily could appreciate, it was the body of an athlete. Not quite in the way that Hanna did, though. Emily would see determination, stamina and dedication when she looked at a body like that. Hanna would see what she would call "abs you can cut your tongue licking."

"Then there's no need to be nervous! Just relax okay it's only _pizza! _And you never know, you might actually get your first kiss, Em! How awesome would that be."

_Too late_. Emily thought. But she couldn't admit it to Hanna. She couldn't admit it to anyone, ever.

"Yeah, I guess I might." Emily said quietly. She didn't like to lie, but what had Ali called it? Practice? Maybe it wasn't such a lie, after all. _Maybe it doesn't count_. She thought. But it did. Oh, it did.

"Ahhhh" Hanna squealed. Emily could hear her clapping all the way through the phone. "I am so _excited! _ I wish I could watch you!"

"Oh my god Han, that's so creepy!" Emily laughed.

Hanna giggled. "Oh I'm just kidding…sort of. Look, don't worry about it, just let it happen. Ben's a nice guy, it'll be fine."

_That's not what I'm worried about. I'm worried I won't feel anything. _Emily thought.

"Anyway, I have to go, I've got to go and read this _boring _book for English class. Who even _cares_ what they did in the 18th century anyway! It was like…_ages_ _ago! _I'm pretty sure they didn't even kiss back then! It's some crappy _Great expectations _book. I have to read it for some dumb test. Ugh, I _so _cannot be bothered!"

"I know Han, we're in the same class, remember. I have to read it too." Emily chuckled.

"Oh right yeah…duh! I just do _not_ have time, I'd rather go watch MTV. There's a behind the scenes Lady Gaga special on." Hanna said, whining.

"I know, I'm gonna watch it too." Emily said. "And Hanna, I'm pretty sure _Great expectations _was written in the 19th century, not the 18th." Emily added.

"No, it's the 18th. It was written in, like, 1860 or something, right?" Hanna asked.

"It was 1861, and they call that the 19th century. You need help studying Hanna?" Emily asked, amused.

"Thanks Em, yeah...actually. To be honest, the only 'great expectations' I have, are that I'm going to fail that test." Hanna said glumly.

"You'll do fine. Maybe we can ask the others, too. Make a study slash eat-a-lot-of-food night?" Emily suggested.

"Food? I'm in!" Hanna said.

"And _studying! _I have to pass the damn test too!" Emily laughed.

"Have you heard from Ali? Maybe we should invite her, too." Hanna asked.

Emily went quiet at the sound of Alison's name. God, even her _name_ made her flinch.

"No." Emily said quietly. "I've not heard a thing, have you?"

"Me either! She just ditched us at the lake and then _poof_ she's gone. I wish _I _was at a damn spa!" Hanna said in mock annoyance.

"Alright, well, I better get going if I wanna read this book. Ugh. _So_ not how I wanted to spend my evening. Call me tomorrow night, let me know how it goes with Ben okay!"

"Okay, bye Han." Emily said. She could hear Hanna's TV click on as she went to put the phone down, the sound of MTV blaring.

Emily settled in for a long evening of worrying. She knew it was silly, she knew it was…pointless, even. She knew what was going to happen. She would go out, Ben would kiss her, Ben would ask her out, and then, she'd be Ben's girlfriend.

It was all very…predictable. Dull, even. But she had to do it. She _had to._ If she didn't, she would end up alone. She would watch Alison flit about like nothing had happened, not a care in the world. _She doesn't care. _Emily thought, sadly. But Alison was so…_unpredictable. _That's one of the reasons Emily was so drawn to her…life was never dull with Ali. Emily just didn't know what to think, anymore.

And so, as Emily went to sleep that night, she tried to put all thoughts of Alison out of her head. She managed it... for a few minutes. But, as she drifted off to sleep, her dreams began with pouring rain…and wildflowers.

Emily wasn't sure how she made it through the next day. Her body was tied completely in knots. As were her emotions. She wished someone could come along and cut right through the mess with a sharp knife and free her from the stress of it all. _Everyone knew. Everyone._ Somehow, word had traveled to almost every student in her year. She had been asked by about four separate people throughout the day, if she was 'looking forward' to her date with Ben.

By the time the fifth person asked her, she was ready to leave school and run all the way home. She just wasn't used to all this attention. Nobody ever really noticed her. The only time people ever really paid any attention to her was when she was swimming. The rest of the time, she was usually under Alison's shadow. Usually, Ali would be the one everyone focused on; she would parade around as if she were Queen of the school, and Emily, Aria, Spencer and Hanna, were just her groupies. But, Alison wasn't there. So naturally, Ben asking Emily out was _all_ people seemed to want to focus on.

Emily did something she didn't usually do, and skipped last period. She just couldn't take the questions any more. She was nervous enough as it was without the _constant_ staring.

She told herself she wouldn't do it, but of course, she did. She drove past Alison's house.She knew she was being a little…_obsessed…_but she hadn't heard from Alison in _days._ She wondered how on earth the blonde had managed to talk her mother into letting her have that much time off school. Alison would have found a way though, she always did. She knocked on Alison's door, but nobody answered. It was a good job, too, because if Alison's mother _had _answered, she might have some questions as to why Emily wasn't at school either.

Emily wished she could just _talk_ to Ali. She only wanted to talk. Ali wouldn't even pick up her calls. She supposed there was no use, Ali would turn up precisely when she wanted to.

So, Emily went home. She spent most of the rest of the day trying to decide what to wear. She had never been in this predicament before. She usually just…threw something on. She wasn't sure if she should be dressing to impress, or if that would just make her look too keen. She didn't want to look _too_ dressed up, after all…it was just _pizza._

She settled on black jeans, a black tank top, and a red leather jacket. She wasn't a big fan of heels, so she just went in flats. _Not too dressed up, it's only pizza._

Emily was getting annoyed with herself. She couldn't count the amount of times she'd said _its only pizza_ in her head. _It's not only pizza, you know it's not. _She had to remind herself.

She kept willing herself to see this for what it really was: a date. It was _normal_ to get dressed up for a date. It was _normal_ to be excited. _Why am I not normal? _Emily wondered. _Why does this terrify me? _A small part of her mind considered this, before coming to the conclusion: _because you want something else. _She had to fight to push it back.

It didn't matter in the end. It didn't matter what she wore, or how frightened she was, or if she really wanted to go…because it was happening and that was that. It was happening because before she knew it, Ben was standing outside her door.

_Oh god, oh god, oh god._ Emily thought. Her heart was in her throat. She heard the doorbell ring and she knew exactly who it was. She had watched him pull up outside her house, casually check his hair in his wing mirror, and then stroll up her garden path.

Emily checked her own hair in her own mirror as she dashed out of her room. _Don't let my mom answer the door, don't let her answer the door! Oh please let me get there first! _She willed herself to move faster. As her feet hit the landing, she heard her mother letting Ben into the house. _Of course! Great! _

"Emily! You have a friend at the door!" Her mother called.

_Yes, thanks mom. Now please GO AWAY. _Emily willed.

The brunette tried to slow her steps down so she wouldn't look like she was in too much of a hurry. She hoped her mother had gone back into the kitchen. Of course, she hadn't.

Her mother met her at the bottom of the stairs, a huge smile on her face.

"Emily, a _boy _is here to see you." She said pointedly.

_Great, she's giving me 'the look'._ Emily thought. _If she says anything embarrassing to him I will literally kill her with my bare hands. Please go away, go away now before you say something I'll have to yell at you for later. Please._

"Yeah, I know mom, we're actually going out." She realised how it sounded as soon as she said it. "I mean…out like, out to the pizza place. Like _out_ out, outside of the house out." _Oh my god please let me leave this planet and never come back._

Her mother looked amused. She said nothing to Emily, she just looked at Ben and then back to her daughter, smiling.

_No need to look so surprised mom. Jeez I'm not a nun! _Emily thought. Although her mothers pleased expression didn't exactly surprise her. She had been pushing Emily to 'get out more' recently.

Ben stood next to her door, grinning. He looked Emily up and down. He stood with his hands in his pockets, a flirty expression on his face. "Nice jacket." He said.

_Pretty sure he was looking at my legs when he said that. Please let my mother not have seen that. Why does he look so calm. He's just…standing there. He doesn't look nervous at all!_

"Thanks Ben." Emily said, smiling shyly.

"Well…Ben, is it? It was nice to meet you. I hope you two have a good time tonight." Emily's mother said. She turned to leave, obviously starting to feel like she was intruding.

"Emily, not too late." Her mother said, giving Emily 'the look' again as she walked past her and into the kitchen.

_Thanks for that, mom. Now he thinks I'm twelve years old. "_Alright, mom, bye." Emily said in a slightly sharper tone than she intended.

"It was nice to meet you too Mrs Fields." Ben called.

They now stood alone by the door in an awkward silence. Emily could be _sure _her mom was listening in the kitchen. She just wanted to get _out _of the house.

"So..." She started, unsure what to say.

"You wanna…" Ben interrupted, gesturing towards the door.

"Yes! Yes I _really_ do." Emily answered, moving past him to open her door. Ben held it open for her.

"Ladies first." He said as Emily stepped past him and out into the cold night.

The drive to the pizza place wasn't_ too_ awkward. It could have been worse. The more time Emily spent with Ben, the more she relaxed. Ben had this casual way about him that made Emily feel at ease. He was friendly and flirty, but he didn't push too hard. He drove with the windows down and the music up. Not up enough to not be able to speak, but up enough that Emily got a thrill listening to it. _This is what it must have been like for Ali, those times she went out driving with Matt. _She couldn't help but be a little smug. She would notice passers by turn and look at them as they drove past. She felt special.

She found herself laughing at Ben's jokes. He was quite a nice guy, really. She only felt slightly awkward _once. _They had stopped at a red light and she had noticed some of Ben's friends from school standing by the side of the road, opposite the Italian diner. They had spotted Ben's car and wolf whistled loudly, pointing at Emily in the front seat. She could see them laughing and nudging each other. To his credit, Ben didn't react. He just stared straight ahead, ignoring it.

When they got to the pizza place, Ben asked for a table by the window. It was the best seat in the restaurant. Emily couldn't see anyone she knew in there, and she wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad thing. On one hand, there was nobody in there to spy on them, although she did half expect to see Hanna hiding behind a bush with a camcorder...but on the other hand, there was nobody there to rescue her, either. The more the evening went on, though, the less she was feeling like she might need to be rescued.

It was quite fun, really. Someone else was _actually _interested in her, for once. Ben had asked about her swimming, about her interests...hell, he'd even asked her what she'd had for breakfast. He was _really _keen. And it was nice, it _was._ It was nice to be asked, it was nice to feel _wanted._ Emily had been so confused for so long, she _finally _felt like her head was beginning to clear.

_I can do this, I can. He's a nice guy. He's actually, really, a nice guy. I could date him. I could be normal. I could._

There was a small part of Emily's brain, though, that knew she was only interested because Alison _wasn't._ Ali wasn't even around to tell her she wasn't. That was how much she didn't care.

Emily had ordered a medium pizza and was suddenly faced with a dire conundrum. As the pizza was placed in front of her she thought: _Oh shit. How the fuck do I eat pizza without getting it everywhere and looking like Bruce bogtrotter from Matilda. It's going to go all over my face. And the sauce. Oh god the sauce. Why did I agree to pizza! _Emily stared at the pizza in front of her like it was a tarantula.

Ben looked at the pizza and then back at Emily. "What's up? Wrong ingredients?" He asked.

"No, no, it's great. It looks good. I just…" Emily blushed. "Kinda wishing I'd got something a little more…delicate." She added.

Ben laughed. "Oh! Who cares! You'd look cute even with pizza all over your face."

Emily felt nervous again. She laughed. "You obviously haven't seen me eat. I'm like…the messiest person."

Ben dramatically placed his hand on his chest. "No! Nobody beats me!" He scoffed.

"Here…" Ben added, sticking his finger in his pizza sauce. "This make you feel better?" He swiped his finger across his nose, the sauce now sitting on it in a big red dot. It looked ridiculous.

Emily burst out laughing. "Oh my god! I can't believe you just did that!" She said in between giggles. "You _cannot_ sit there like that!"

"What? You don't wanna have dinner with Rudolf?" He questioned in mock confusion. "I thought you said you liked Christmas?" He added.

"Stop! People are staring! Oh my god!" Emily said, laughing. She suddenly felt quite at ease. _Wait…am I actually flirting? Oh my god I think I am!_

Ben wiped off the sauce. "Better?" He said.

"Much!" Answered Emily. She found herself relaxed, and comfortable. This had actually turned out to be a pretty fun night, after all.

They spent the rest of the evening like that; talking, and laughing…even flirting, a little. Emily was unimaginably surprised that she had managed to get through it. She was even more surprised that she had actually _enjoyed herself. _

When the time was right to go home, Ben stood up, pulling Emily's chair out for her. She slipped on her red jacket, noticing that Ben was watching her very closely. Emily's hair became slightly tangled in the collar as she pulled her arm through her sleeve. Ben moved behind her to help her out.

"Here. Let me get that." He said in a low tone. He swept his fingers over her shoulders, gathering up her long brown hair in a ponytail and held it free of the jacket as she put it on. It felt…strange, to have someone touch her so intimately. She wasn't used to it.

For a second, Emily was reminded of her kiss with Alison. The way Ali had held the back of her head…as she had kissed her, hard. Her fingers had tangled in Emily's hair, pulling her head closer in the most deliciously rough way. Emily had tingles all over her body just _thinking_ about it…and the sensation of it, the sensation had been _so _much stronger.

When Ben touched her, she wasn't sure what she felt. She definitely didn't feel anything _close _to _that_…but she did feel something. There was something there, something small.

Emily could feel Ben behind her as she shrugged the jacket on. His hands let go of her hair and his strong arm linked with hers, leading her to the door. He held it open as they left the restaurant.

Emily's heart beat furiously inside her chest. She _knew_ what was coming. She could tell by their close proximity that a kiss was going to be the inevitable conclusion to the evening. Strangely, though, she found that a small part of her wanted it. She wanted him to kiss her.

_If this is what having a boyfriend is like…it's not so bad. It's just like having a friend…but closer. I could deal with this. This isn't awful. I could so do this. I could be normal. I could do this and nobody would think any different of me._ She thought. _Nobody would know I'm not normal. Nobody would know…apart from me._

And so, as they reached Ben's car, the thing Emily had been dreading, and looking forward to at the same time, happened.

Ben turned to Emily, unlinking their arms. "Emily. I wanna do something. If that's okay." He asked tentatively. He searched her eyes, stepping closer.

"What?" Emily asked in a small voice. _You know exactly what. Stop stalling. _She thought.

"I like you…I _really _like you. You're kind, you're funny, you're…beautiful. I've been wanting to kiss you, all night, did you know that?" He asked boldly. His hand snaked across to grab hers.

_Yes actually I did. _

"Really?" Emily said nervously. She tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear nervously. She swayed a little from side to side and Ben moved with her, like a cobra. He held her hand close to his heart.

"Can't you feel how nervous I am?" He asked, holding her hand flat against his chest. She couldn't feel his heartbeat through his shirt, but she wasn't really focusing. This was all getting very _real._

"Ben…I" she trailed off. She was going to say 'I can't do this.' But what would have been the point of all this if she gave up now. She needed this.

_You can do this, you can. _She thought.

Ben cupped Emily's face in his warm hand. Her breathing caught in her chest. _Here we _go_ again…_

As he leaned towards her, he pulled her body flush against his. There was barely any space between them as he tilted his head, his lips aiming for hers.

A loud shout interrupted them. "Emily!"

The brunette thought she was having déjà vu. She looked around, startled, and that's when she saw _her._ She was standing on the other side of the road, just in front of the joke shop and the pizza place. Alison. She was back.

Emily squinted her eyes. _What was she doing here? _

Alison shouted again. "Emily!"

"No way!" Ben shouted across the street. "Not this time, DiLaurentis!"

Then, quick as a flash, he grabbed Emily's arm and pulled her into a searing kiss. His hand cradled the back of Emily's head as he immediately deepened it, moving his tongue against hers, again and again. At first Emily was shocked, she hadn't been expecting him to do that.

_Oh my god he's kissing me_. She thought. A thousand fears shot through her at once. _What am I doing? Just kiss back, you can do it. Just feel it. _

She moved her mouth back against his, kissing him, too. And before she knew it, she was relaxed. She was actually able to do it. It was just a kiss, after all. Granted, there were no fireworks, no sparks or burning flames, but a kiss was a kiss. And she was doing it. She was obviously doing it _well_ too because Ben took quite a while before he stopped. Emily pulled back, breathless.

Ben smiled at her, a big wide grin across his face. "I guess…I should take you home, huh. Don't want your mom to get mad."

Emily was having trouble speaking. _We just kissed. I kissed him. I did it. I did something normal people do, and I didn't screw it up. _

"I, sure yeah...I just…hold on a sec. I need to see what Ali wants." She said.

_Shit. Alison. What was she doing standing across the street, what did she want? Had she seen?_

Ali was nowhere to be seen, though. Emily searched with her eyes up and down the street but there was no sign of her.

"I guess…she was just saying hi. She's been at a spa…probably wanted to let me know she was back." Emily said uncertainly.

Well, wherever Alison was...she wasn't there now, and so, with a slight smile on her face, Emily got back into Ben's car.

Ben didn't try to kiss her again when he dropped her off. Probably because Emily's mother had her face up to the window, staring. Emily and Ben said their goodbyes, and with a smile on her face, the brunette walked into her house. Emily was _proud_ of herself. This was the first time in her life that she had done anything bold, or scary. She had no friends with her...nobody to push her but _herself_; and she had managed to get through her first date quite successfully. Like a normal person.

But that's the thing about _normal._ What is it? Are you normal because you do what everyone else does? Or is normal unique to every person? Can you be unique, and normal, at the same time? Emily didn't know what normal was anymore. Her feelings and emotions had become so complicated that she didn't know how to untangle them. Piece by piece, though, she was starting to cut through the mess. She was _starting_ to feel normal.

Alison DiLaurentis, however, was not having a normal day at all…

**Authors note: Something tells me Alison isn't going to be happy lol. A certain scene is coming up soon, and I would love to know if you guys can guess what it is! It MAY involve a library…but I'm saying nothing. Ali is also going to be having her say. Please let me know what you guys are thinking and anything you'd like to see happen! I know someone said they wanted to see Emily flirt with Ali a bit and I'll very much be showing that soon! Seriously, the response to this story has been phenomenal I am touched. Thank you SO much for your reviews, you're all helping me to write this and I love you all! My Twitter is hauntedtwilight**


	9. Run

**Authors note: wow! Still amazed by all the feedback you guys are SO GREAT! I honestly felt really emotional at some of your reviews, you were so nice! A lot of you liked Ben last chapter and I must admit, I ended up liking him too! But he has to start off nice, doesn't he, I can't see why else emily would have decided to date him on the show. Just so you guys know, what happens in this story is supposed to slot right into the show as canon so I'm trying my best to get everything to match up. You guys are really giving me some amazing feedback I'm SO grateful, and the person who made the comment "Hanna's cradle robbing fling with Mike"…that REALLY made me laugh out loud! This one is a short chapter from Alison, but theres some big things coming up!**

You can run away from something, you can run far…and so fast, that your feet don't touch the floor. Can you ever really leave something behind? Are you the type of person that stands still in one place as the world turns endlessly around you, or are you the type that takes flight? Do you soar above the trees…do you rise above the emotion, flying far, far away?

Alison DiLaurentis ran all the way home. She ran, and she didn't look back. She had done an awful lot of running, lately, it seemed.

First, she had run towards Emily and Ben as they sat on the rocks next to the lake. She had run for so long that her legs had felt like jelly when she tried to stand in one place. She ran towards the thing she _wanted_.

Next, she had run _away_ from Emily Fields, leaving her at the kissing rock, alone in the clearing. Ian's car wasn't far enough, though…not even his kiss could push the brunette out of her mind. She was fractured in a way she never thought possible. In kissing Emily, she had opened a floodgate of emotion that she had never experienced before in her entire life.

When she got home that night, she found that even the safety of her own _house_ couldn't remove Emily...and her soft, warm lips from her head. She was confused at first by the fire she felt inside her body every time she pictured Emily pulling back from their kiss, breathless, with her eyes closed in passion. She was confused, but she still knew how it felt, and it felt unbelievably pleasurable. There was a tightening, low in her stomach. This new feeling…it coiled inside her like a spring, tightening every time she closed her eyes and thought of the brunette.

The next day Alison had written her feelings down in her diary. All of them. She had watched as the ink had faded, along with her words. She thought that once they were no longer visible, they would no longer exist. She had run her finger along the letter M of her mermaid entry, and had relished in the fact that this…this _lie _was all that remained of what had transpired between her and her friend.

There was no escaping the truth, though. The letters underneath the page haunted her. She could still see them fading away in her mind that night as she tried to sleep. She could see the words swimming around in her head as she drifted into unconsciousness. The previous night, she had dreamed of Emily, her hair, her eyes…her moans. She had danced in a meadow of wildflowers all night long. Now, as she tried to sleep for the second night, those letters were all she could see. They were invisible, but somehow still _there. _

So, she had run further away. She had called her friend Cece and bolted for the nearest Spa. She presumed that in doing so, she would be able to make sense of all this _noise_ in her head. But as she lay with her friend on the sun beds next to the pool, all she could think of was Emily, swimming like a mermaid through the water.

She had reluctantly returned to her house. Emily and her friends had tried to call her, of course, but she hadn't answered. The only person she had wanted to talk to about it was Cece.

Alison had gone to the joke shop the following night, to get a new pen for her diary, and once again, she found herself running. Emily had kissed Ben, right in front of her. This was the single most shocking thing Alison had ever witnessed.

Nobody noticed the crying girl as she bolted up her stairs, slamming her door in the process. Nobody noticed the smash of glass as she threw her bag into her dresser, sending her bedside lamp crashing to the floor. No one ever noticed the tears, or the sorrow, that took place behind her closed door. Had anyone been home, they might have heard the quiet sobs as the blonde picked up her pen, and began to write.

_So, that's it. It's over. It's all gone. I am such a fucking idiot. I can't believe I'm actually crying. GOD, why won't these tears stop. I need to __grow up. __ I need to take my own advice and just __get over it.__ I thought I'd make it go away. I thought I could…but I can't. __What is wrong with me!_

_I tried to get away from it. I went to stay with Cece at a spa. I had to hold my breath and scream and cry and practically fall down __dead __before my mom let me go…but she did. That heartless bitch actually let me do something for once. __God __I hope I didn't make it obvious. I hope she didn't see that this time, it was serious. I NEEDED to go. Fuck I did, I needed to run away._

_It's those __dreams__ that are doing it! It's all in my head! It must all be in my head! The first night I thought okay…it's a kissing dream…you just enjoyed the kiss, that's all…but then after I wrote it all down…it made it all WORSE. I probably shouldn't even be writing this now, it'll only make everything ten times harder when I try and sleep tonight. _

_I'll go to sleep, and I'll see her, I'll see her with her lips on HIM. I LEFT HER ALONE FOR A FEW DAYS AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED! She kissed him! It's not like I didn't know it was going to happen but WOW. __Wow._

_I know I've been ignoring her. But what could I have said? If I'd spoken to her at __any point __ in these last few days there would have been no way I'd have been able to stay away. I wish I never went to that stupid joke shop and got this stupid pen and seen that __stupid__ boy with his lips all over __my Emily! __And she saw me! She actually saw me and she didn't come over! Alright, he may have ambushed her but HELLO! Long lost Alison is calling you! You haven't spoken to me for days and you just ignore me to make out with that giant oaf flathead. Am I not good enough? Normally she would have run straight over to me. What the fuck changed in a few days. _

_What the actual fuck is going on here…does she like him. She CAN'T like him. There is no __way__ that Emily Fields likes that fucking moron. I know I told her to try things, to see what she wants…but I don't think I ever expected her to actually do it. She usually just nods and agrees and then never acts on anything. She's __always__ done that. What the fuck is different now! _

_I am so ANGRY at myself. If I'd just got there a bit sooner! I'd have what? What could I have done? GOD What would I have done? Probably NOTHING. I can't do anything because this ISN'T REAL. _

_That's what Cece said. She said it's all in my head. She said I'd get over it, in time. But she just thinks it's a crush on Ian. That I kissed Ian and can't stop thinking about him. I can __never __ tell her about Emily. Oh my god! What would she think! What would she say! Can you imagine what people would think of me._

_I cannot have people thinking this of me. I __have__ to keep it together. I can't cry like this over her! WHY AM I CRYING LIKE THIS! This is ridiculous. This is INSANE. I don't like her. I don't. I can't. But I think... I actually do. I feel sick. _

_That stupid spa. That stupid spa with its __stupid__ swimming pool. Yeah, great idea Alison, go somewhere where you can imagine her in a bikini. Fucking idiot. I'm so mad I want to scream. All this anger…all this regret. It's eating me up. I don't even know what I'm doing. I can't __think__ about anything else! WHY CAN'T I THINK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE!_

_Ugh those lips of hers, all over him. WHY did I go into town…WHY. This is all MY FAULT! I made this happen! Now she's gonna date him isn't she! She's gonna date him and kiss him and __fuck __him and probably __marry him__, too. They're going to have big fat oaf head babies together and live happily ever after. Ugh it makes me SICK. _

_He won't get her first kiss, though, HA! That's mine! That's all mine you great buffoon! HA HA FUCKING HA! The thought of it fills me with such GLEE that I could shout it from the rooftops. YOU WON'T GET HER FIRST KISS YOU FUCKING IDIOT, I'VE ALREADY TAKEN IT FROM YOU! Hey Ben…wonder why she kissed you so good? That was me! I showed her how! _

_It makes me sad that nobody will ever know that, though. Officially, he owns her first kiss, now. When I think about that it makes me want to cry so much I feel like my own tears will drown me. He thinks he has this wonderful part of her. Her most vulnerable part. But it's __mine__. It's mine and nobody will ever know. She knows, though. She must still feel it. It burns me while I sleep. I wonder if it burns her, too?_

_I just don't know what to do with myself. I can't keep acting this way. I can't keep __running away.__ I just keep running. I never thought I'd be so weak. I'm not! I'm not weak! I am NOT a weak person. She's making me weak. _

_She only ever used to look at ME. Just me. That's how I like it. I don't __want__ her to look at anyone else! I used to think it was because I just like attention…and I DO! I LOVE ATTENTION! But when she looks at me, with her eyes…it feels special. God it does, it does feel special. My stomach twists every time I think of her looking at someone else like the way she's looked at me. WHY. __WHY is this happening. __I want this to all just fucking GO AWAY. But I don't…at the same time. I'm so confused. _

_I've smashed my lamp. Great. One more thing fucking broken. JUST LIKE MY BRAIN. My brain is __broken! __Something else feels like it's breaking inside, too. It's this peculiar sensation. This tearing. Something inside me is TEARING UP! I want this irritating, annoying, aggravating, HORRIBLE SENSATION to GO AWAY. _

_I sat there at the spa reading that book from school, that __amazing__ book. I don't think I've ever read a book so fast in my __entire__ life. I read it while Cece was having her massage done, of course. If she saw me __reading__ she would laugh at me! I'll have to pretend I haven't finished it when I go back to school, of course. I don't want anyone thinking I'm some book dork! Which I AM NOT. _

_Just because I like to __read__ doesn't mean I'm in to things like that. I like makeup. I like boys. I like parties and dresses and I do NOT like books. That's what I want people to think. And they will, because I'll make them. They'll believe anything I tell them._

_Anyway…this book. This book is just UGH! Why is it when you read something sometimes it leaves you with this __feeling.__ It's made me want things. It made me cry. It made me feel this…peace while I was reading it. Nothing has ever made more sense to me. There were these parts in it…these parts where I just felt like I understood EXACTLY what the characters were feeling. I'm starting so associate everything I do with __her.__ WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! God, but it was beautiful._

"_Estella, to the last hour of my life, you cannot choose but remain part of my character, part of the little good in me, part of the evil. But, in this separation I associate you only with the good, and I will faithfully hold you to that always, for you must have done me far more good than harm, let me feel now what sharp distress I may."_

_I don't even care what it means! That's what I'm trying to say! It doesn't even matter what the quote is about. My mind goes straight to HER!_

"_There was a long hard time when I kept far from me the remembrance of what I had thrown away when I was quite ignorant of its worth."_

_UGH. It's just too much! It's just __filled __with things like that! I can't deal with it!_

_Why am I having __such__ a hard time reading this book? I got some stupid text from Spencer about a stupid study date for this stupid test. I wanted to scream at her I'VE ALREADY READ IT, SMARTASS! But I suppose I'll have to go. I can't keep avoiding everyone. _

_I know I said I'd make this go away, but I'm not sure I want it to. It terrifies me that I'm so unsure. I know she's only kissed him, but that kiss is going to lead to more. It's going to lead to much more. How can I stand by and __watch that?_

_Maybe she's just something I want possession of. Maybe that's it. That's what Cece said. She said Ian was like a pair of shoes I wanted, but couldn't have. I do __like__ shoes. I don't think Emily is a pair of shoes, though. Ian can be shoes, he can be big fancy shoes with a flashy car. Emily is more than shoes…she's just…more. _

_Cece was right about the possession thing though. I know I do that. I know I __want __things. I __always __get what I want in the end. So what do I do when I'm not supposed to want something. What if everyone __judges me. _

_I can't have that. I can't have everyone judging me. But I can't keep CRYING all the time, either. People have __eyes__, at some point they'll see! _

_Everything feels tainted, now. I can't do __anything__ without all these feelings. I don't want these feelings. I don't want guilt, I don't want jealousy, I don't want LOVE. _

_I can't believe Emily kissed him, I just can't. One more thing to add to my already huge list of issues. _

_Part of me can't let it go just yet though. Not yet. I'm not ready. It doesn't matter if I don't __want__ it. I just need to see if it's still __mine.__ I need to know I can still make explosions in her eyes. I need to know I can still touch her and see goosebumps. I need to hear her breath catch. I need to hear her, I need to see her. I can't make this go away just yet. Just a little more time. I just want a little more time. _

Alison put her new invisible ink pen down on top of her dresser. She couldn't even find the energy to open the drawer, let alone clean up the mess the smashed lamp had made on the floor. She looked at the shards of porcelain glumly. Her will to keep what was hers, even thought she wasn't sure she wanted it, was what made her eventually wipe the tears from her eyes. She was nothing if not determined.

Of course, she still had to write the lie. She loathed this part. But it had to be done. If anyone ever found her diary, they'd want to know what she had been doing at the spa, and it was her duty to tell them. She wiped the last tear away from her eye as she wrote her second diary entry.

_Well! I had the most wonderful time at the Spa! I'm still glowing from the hot stone massage! It's a pity nobody else could have come with me and Cece…oh wait, no it's not! Cece is SO much more mature than everyone else. _

_After the disaster at the lake with the rain I just __had__ to get away. This town is so boring. I told my mother I was going and that was that. She does what I tell her. Everyone does. So, we went. We went and it was SO MUCH FUN! We swam…we laughed…we even drank cocktails with some of the male masseurs after the salon had closed. Ahh it was simply __divine! __I don't have a care in the world! There's nothing like big muscly man hands to really relax you. _

_The only thing that annoyed me about it was I had to read this __boring__ book for school. To be honest I haven't even bothered reading past the first chapter. Who cares what happens? I'll just rent the movie. I don't see why we should have to take a test on things like that, anyway. It's all __so__ pointless. There are much better things I could be doing…like having my hair done. So, I took it with me but I didn't read it. I'll just cheat off of Spencer's answer sheet tomorrow night. She's having a study date, but I don't plan on studying. Anyway, I'm tired from my long week at the Spa. I need to take a cat nap. Meow._

Alison put down her pen, taking a big sigh. It was really beginning to take its toll on her, this lying business. The problem was, she was _so _good at it that eventually the lies just became natural to her.

The blonde got ready for bed. She had finally tidied up the broken shards of lamp, throwing the debris into her trash can.

She had looked at herself in the mirror for a long, long time after that. What she saw…was a mess. She had mascara all down her face, and her hair was all over the place. She had tear stains running in dried black tracks from her makeup across both of her cheeks.. She couldn't bring herself to fix it, though. _This is me…this is what I really am, underneath._ She thought sadly. _Under that perfect exterior…under the makeup, under the glamour, the powerful voice…is this. This broken mess. _

Ali laid down and closed her eyes.

She was awoken by Emily, sitting on her bed. Her room was decorated in purple wildflowers, glowing magically across her ceiling. Fractured moonlight glittered through the window, casting the room in a beautiful otherworldly light. She looked around in wonder.

She started to speak, but Emily's finger reached out to touch her lips.

"Shh" the brunette whispered. "It's our secret…it only exists here."

Alison nodded, sitting up on her knees under her covers, to face Emily.

The brunette removed her finger from Alison's lips and reached out to trace the tear streaks on Ali's cheek.

"It doesn't have to be this hard, Ali. It's only me. It's only me…" She said in a low voice.

The room seemed to hum, before a great crash of thunder sounded out, vibrating the walls with the force of it. In slow motion, the wildflowers on the ceiling began to fall like rain all over the room. One by one they fell, dancing and twirling slowly through the air. Alison could hear the rain, but she couldn't see it. All she could see were the flowers, falling. Somehow, she knew it was raining inside the room, though.

A great flash of lightning silently invaded the room, and suddenly, everything was different. The flowers had been replaced by water…water _everywhere._ Alison's bed now floated calmly on the surface of a great flood that had encompassed her room. Her dresser, her closet, her bedside table…everything was underwater, turning in the current as it was swallowed by the waves.

Emily still sat in front of her, water pouring down around her. Alison could see it now, the droplets hanging from her hair…running down her lips, trickling down her neck. Emily was naked from the waist up. Alison's breathing escalated, her heart beating like a hummingbird as she watched the rain fall on the brunettes naked chest.

Alison could hear her shallow breath in the silent room. She watched a droplet of water as it ran slowly from the side of Emily's eye, like a tear, and joined the other droplets falling from her face. Emily looked _beautiful. _She was stunning, and Alison felt her stomach jolt in the most pleasurable of sensations. Her eyes hooded over, and she took a ragged breath.

Emily looked down, shyly. "Remember this rain…Ali." She murmured, her voice like caramel. Alison could hear it echo throughout the room. She watched Emily intently as the brunette held her hand out, reaching to take Alison's hand in her own. Alison couldn't hear the thunder, or the water any more…she could just see the lightning flashing silently inside the small room.

"Come with me." Emily whispered, placing Alison's hand on her neck.

Emily's hand held it there, moving her own hand over the blondes, directing Alison's movement. She began to move their hands downwards. Ali stared at Emily, her body shaking as she watched their hands follow the path of the water on Emily's skin.

"Where are we going?" Ali asked tentatively. She couldn't breathe…her head was too dizzy with new sensations.

Emily smiled. She held her hand over Alison's. Ali could feel Emily's warm skin underneath her. Emily dragged the blondes hand slowly down, until it was almost touching her breast. Alison could feel the top of Emily's nipple as the brunette moved their hands together. The ache in her lower stomach increased infinitely harder. She was flushed, her body building up to something. She could feel it coiling…winding tighter and tighter inside herself.

Emily looked at Alison, right in the eyes, her eyebrow raised slightly. "That's not what I meant." She smirked.

Alison swallowed, her throat as dry as sandpaper. Finally, _finally…_Emily settled Alison's hand directly over her breast. Ali felt a sharp jolt in her stomach, the pleasurable sensation throbbing, now. It seemed to grow, and grow, until she couldn't catch her breath. She felt like she was right on the edge of something…and she didn't want it to end.

Emily looked puzzled for a second, staring quizzically at the blonde.

"Ali…" She started, reaching out to touch Alison's hair. "Ali…you're all wet." Emily said, amused.

Alison looked down at her body. For the first time, the blonde realised that she, too, was drenched in water. She looked back up at Emily, panting harshly as the sensations continued…the pleasurable sensation in her body still building and building as the coil in her stomach tightened impossibly hard…

And that's when Alison woke up. She bolted upright in bed, looking around the room in confusion. Her alarm was blaring loudly on her dresser. She looked back at her pillow, and could distinctly see the marks her hands had made as they had obviously been clutching at it tightly. There were indents all across it and her sheets were screwed up where she must have gripped them in her sleep.

She was breathing, hard, her whole body covered in a light sheen of sweat.

"What the fuck." She said out loud. "How am I supposed to run from this."

_**Authors note: well! There are a couple of ways to read into the words in that dream aren't there! Haha! I know my authors notes ramble on and on but I like to talk a lot! That was a little insight into Ali's mind after the Ben and emily kiss. There are some important scenes and some Ali/Emily interactions coming up soon which will take them further into their relationship! I've pushed some scenes back a bit and I may slightly alter the timeline here and there as it's extremely complicated getting it in the right order! I hope you like it. I am reading every single one of the reviews you guys leave and taking everything you say to heart so thank you very very much. I'm quite nervous about writing still so some of y'all really made me tear up haha! You're so lovely! Please let me know if you're still liking Alisons POV diary chapters, I know they are short but she will have more of a focus on her in the coming chapters. Thank you SO MUCH for reviewing you're helping me immensely! Love you all! My Twitter is hauntedtwilight**_


	10. I want it, it's mine

**Authors note: I'm so glad you guys are still liking Alison! You're about to get a lot more of her here in this chapter! Thank you SO much for all your kind reviews I'm so thrilled that so many people are following this story and care about it as much as I do! I've had to push back some of the events because I totally forgot about the Halloween lady Gaga thing and that had to go in first because it's important to the development of their story! I hope you like what's coming up! Please let me know your thoughts! **

You always want what you can't have. Being told you can't have it…just makes you want it even more. It's even worse if you know you _shouldn't_ have it. It starts as a craving…a subtle itch you can't scratch. Then, before you know it, you've just…taken it. Once you've got it, however, you might find you forget why you wanted it in the first place. You might find it hard to hold on to.

Alison DiLaurentis sat by her dresser, brushing her long blonde hair, and watched herself in the mirror carefully. Every aspect of her reflection needed to look _perfect_ before she left the house. Ali ticked off her mental check list. Her eyebrows were perfectly manicured. _Check._ Her lipgloss was expertly applied. _Check._ Her mascara was immaculate. _Check. _

She had spent the better part of an hour scrutinising her face in the mirror, tilting her head from side to side, inspecting herself thoroughly. There was no _way_ she was going to this study date looking a mess. She wouldn't admit it out loud, but she wanted to look good tonight. _Really_ good.

The more Alison looked at herself, the more she wanted to look away. There's nothing like looking at yourself right in the eyes to give you perspective. _You're pretty. _She thought. _But you're a liar. _

The feelings she was having for her friend Emily were beginning to change her. She could feel it, inside. It had started as a small inkling that it might be more than friends, but then...it grew. It grew like a festering, unavoidable disease, spreading all throughout her body. It had managed to infiltrate her so far that it was even invading her dreams now, too. She was utterly at a loss as to how to deal with it.

She knew she would have to face Emily eventually. She'd been avoiding her for days, and tonight she would finally come face to face with her again since their kiss. She knew that the topic of conversation would probably turn to Emily's new boyfriend, Ben. Well, Alison _assumed_ that Ben was now her boyfriend. She hadn't spoken to the brunette at all since they had been to the lake. Emily had tried to call her, of course, but Alison hadn't answered.

Alison finally removed herself from her spot in front of the mirror and took a deep breath. _Here we go_. She thought. After much deliberation, she had decided on wearing jean shorts and a tank top. She knew you were either supposed to show legs _or _cleavage_, _never both, so she had chosen legs. _I've got nice legs._ She thought proudly, checking them out one more time in the mirror.

She had fully intended to show up at Spencer's study session late, to avoid the conversation about Ben that she was _sure_ would happen as soon as Emily arrived. She didn't want to hear about it. She _really_ didn't. But…she found herself actually _hurrying_ to be ready _early. _Deep down, she knew she couldn't miss it. She _needed_ to hear what Emily had to say. She needed to know what was really going on. She knew she wouldn't have to ask a thing, though...she could count on Hanna for that. Hanna _always_ managed to get the gossip out of Emily. _And there's no way I'm asking._ She thought.

Alison also knew that tonight, she would find out for sure if she still had any power over Emily. She needed to see if Emily had moved on. Seeing the brunette kiss Ben had put such an awful fear into her heart. For the first time ever in her life, she was struck with the horrifying thought that she might have actually lost something. She wasn't used to losing things, at all.

It wasn't that she actually wanted to _be_ with Emily…it was just that she wanted to know that she could, if she wanted. She wanted to know that Emily still wanted _her. _Or at least, that's what she was trying to tell herself.

Alison finished getting ready. She was about to leave her room and walk downstairs when she suddenly remembered something. _The book._ She thought. _I've got to take the damn book so I can pretend I haven't read it, ugh! Annoying!_

She opened her dresser drawer, and grabbed the _Great Expectations _book, carefully placing it in her bag. Part of her didn't want to take it out of the house, in case she lost it. It was precious to her, but she would never admit it out loud. She took one last look around her room, before turning off the light and shutting the door.

She had to walk past her mother in the kitchen on her way out of the house. Her mother had been watching her especially closely ever since the incident with the car. She could hear her mom banging dishes around. _Don't speak to me…don't notice me, don't ask me anything, I'm not in the mood for you right now, please._ She thought, creeping past the kitchen door slowly so that her mother wouldn't hear her. She tried to tread carefully so that her feet wouldn't make the floorboards creak. _Great day to be wearing heels, why can't socks be high fashion!_

"Ali, where are you going?" Her brother Jason's voice boomed loudly from the hallway.

Alison turned to him, giving him an annoyed stare. _Great, thanks, you jerk. _

"Out. Thanks, Jason." She said pointedly. "Don't you have anything better to do other than lurk around the hallway?" She raised her eyebrow.

"Nope, just making sure you aren't sneaking off in any more _stolen cars_ that's all." Her brother said deliberately loudly, so that her mother would hear.

A voice called from the kitchen. "Alison, are you going out? Did I hear that right." Her mother called. _Great. Busted._

Ali gave Jason her most obnoxious look. "Thanks a lot you ass wipe. Now she's gonna be calling me eighteen times tonight."

Jason gave her a sweet smile. "Good, someone needs to keep tabs on you, you can't just keep disappearing whenever you choose." He said, turning sharply and jogging back upstairs to his room, laughing.

Alison watched him leave with disdain. _Watch it or I might disappear for good, then you'd miss me._

Alison tilted her head, putting on her most innocent voice. "Yeah, mom. To Spencer's, it's a study thing."

"I don't want you out late, Alison. And I want you to pick up when I call you. Don't you ignore me, either. If I find out that you're anywhere other than Spencer's house there _will_ be consequences." Her mother said sternly.

_Yeah, like what? All I have to do is hold my breath and you'll do whatever I say. I'm not scared of you. I'll go where I damn well please._ Ali thought.

"Fine. Mom it's like…only down the street, take a chill pill." She said wearily.

"I mean it." Her mother called sharply.

_Whatever._

"Okay mom, fine!" Ali shouted, slamming the door extra hard on her way out of the house.

She took a deep breath. The weather was turning colder, but she didn't mind. She was grateful for the chilly air outside. It woke her up from the stifling claustrophobia she couldn't seem to escape inside her own house.

Her room was beginning to feel like a prison lately. Every time she spent time in there, she was either thinking about Emily, or dreaming of her. That dream though…every time Alison thought of it, she shuddered. It was unlike anything she had ever felt before. She had kissed tonnes of boys, but somehow…this sensation that had taken over her body in her sleep last night was unthinkably stronger. It was just…more. It had been intense. _Very_ intense. Ali wouldn't forget it any time soon.

She began to walk to Spencer's house. It was only down the street so she didn't have to go very far. She wanted to get there quickly, but at the same time she wanted more time to prepare. As Ali got closer and closer to Spencer's front door, she began to feel more and more panicked. It was weird, she wasn't used to feeling worried or panicked about _anything_…ever. But something about tonight just felt…_new._

_I just want want to see if it's still there. I want to know it's still mine. _She told herself. She hoped nobody would notice how jittery she was. She hadn't bothered texting Spencer to let her know she was on her way. Alison was a person who liked to make an entrance. She relished in the look on people's faces whenever she turned up unannounced. She liked the air of intrigue it gave her. Nobody knew when she'd show up, ever, so it was like being _everywhere_ all at once. When nobody knew when to expect you, you could always keep them on their toes.

Ali smoothed her hair down once more before ringing the doorbell to the large, fancy house. She heard some shuffling inside the doorway as the door was opened for her. Spencer Hastings stood behind it, looking slightly surprised.

"Ali? Hey…I didn't realise you were coming." She said, puzzled.

"You didn't get my text?" Ali answered, knowing full well she hadn't replied to Spencer's message.

"No, sorry…I guess I must have missed it." Spencer replied, holding the door open so the blonde could enter. She smiled as she let Alison into the house.

Ali always felt a little awkward being around Spencer. Out of all the girls she was the one Alison was least close to. It wasn't that they didn't get on, they did…but Ali always felt Spencer was harder to control than everyone else. She was smart, really smart. That's the problem with smart people, they tend to want to be in control, too.

Ali took her shoes off. This was the kind of house you did _not_ want to get dirty. _One speck of mud and her head will twist round like that girl from the exorcist! Ha! _She thought.

"So…the other girls here yet?" Ali asked, as casually as she could.

_Emily. Where is Emily._

"Actually no they aren't. Aria is running late and Emily and Hanna should be here any minute. You want a drink? I've got coffee…soda?" Spencer asked, slightly awkwardly.

_I wish they'd hurry up, she's so annoying to be alone with._ Alison thought.

"I'm good, thanks." Ali said, nodding.

Spencer led Ali through the large, expensive house, and into the kitchen.

"Figured we'd chill in here for a bit while we study. We can go up to my room a bit later if we need a break or something." Spencer said.

"Sure,A Whatever." Ali said casually. She didn't really care about the studying, _at all._

The two girls moved into the kitchen, where the immaculate counter tops gleamed spotlessly. Ali didn't want to put her bag down in case it messed anything up. She could see where Spencer had cleaned the surfaces, there were tiny water streaks still drying in little patches.

Ali pointed at one of them. _"_Missed a spot!" She said, amused.

"Yeah, I've been in kind of a hurry. Ian and Melissa came over earlier and cooked dinner in here. You should have seen the mess! Pasta sauce and Ian do not mix!" Spencer laughed, a gleam in her eye.

_Since when do you find Ian so funny._

"Yeah, I bet." Ali said shortly.

They stood in silence for a few seconds. Just as it was beginning to feel awkward, the doorbell rang again.

"Hold on a sec, I bet that's Em and Hanna." Spencer said as she left the room.

_Oh here we go. Happy fun time face? Check. Get ready._ Alison willed herself to look busy. She took her phone out, and started flicking through the photos. Her hope was that when the girls entered the room, she'd look like she was happily texting away, not a care in the world. _I'll throw in a loud laugh too…let them wonder who I'm talking to._

She heard a commotion in the hallway. She could hear Hanna's shrill voice laughing, loudly.

_What's so funny? I wonder what they're laughing about. _Alison thought. _No! Act like you don't care. Let them laugh all they want. You're far too busy texting imaginary friends, remember? _

Another loud laugh rang out from the hallway. This time she could distinctly make out Emily's voice. She was suddenly infinitely more interested. _There she is, finally. _She waited for another minute, phone poised in front of her face, ready to let out her own burst of laughter at her imaginary texting buddy when they entered the room. But still, nobody came.

Alison was starting to feel irked. _Hello? Standing on my own in here! Why haven't they come in yet! _

She dropped her phone to her side, sliding it back into her pocket. She walked to the kitchen door slowly, and leaned her body round it slightly, trying to peer into the hallway without being seen.

She heard the sound of the front door closing, and heard Emily call out "thanks Ben! Bye!" This was accompanied by a chorus of "bye" from Hanna and Spencer, followed by more shrill laughter.

_UGH! Ben dropped them off! Great! Just great! And what is so damn funny!_

Alison heard the girls approach the door, and panicked. She darted backwards, banging her foot hard against the kitchen side. _God! How many counter tops does she need in here for fuck sake! Ow! _

Spencer came through the door first and stopped sharply in her tracks. She glanced curiously at Alison as the blonde hopped up and down slightly, grabbing her foot. Alison tried to forget the pain in her toes and let out a loud laugh, trying to execute her 'imaginary texting' plan. Her foot throbbed painfully, and what ended up coming out of her mouth sounded more like a hyena crossed with a dying cow. She also had forgotten that she wasn't holding her phone any more.

_Great, now I look like a psycho and my foot REALLY hurts! _She grabbed at her foot again and squeezed hard, hoping the pain would dissipate. It didn't.

Ali looked up at Spencer. "I banged it."_ Really, really fucking hard! _She thought, putting her foot down on the floor.

Emily and Hanna appeared behind Spencer.

Emily looked at Alison, frowning. "Ali…" She started. "Are you okay?" She said quizzically.

_NO!_

"Yeah." Alison said, her voice strained. "Just banged my foot, no biggie." She tried to look casual, but the pain was written all over her face.

Hanna looked concerned. "Ali are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm _fine _Hanna, I said it was no biggie!" She snapped. She tried to take a couple of steps forward, but as soon as her foot hit the floor the pain shot through it again, much worse than before.

"Ow! Ow, oh my god, shit." Alison whined. _Fuck that really hurts._ _I walked all the way over here in high heels and I hurt my foot when I take them off…figures!_

Emily, who was standing behind Hanna and Spencer, moved in front of the girls to stand next to Ali. She put her arm out, supporting Alison by the shoulder. "Ali you need to put ice on that or it'll swell up." She said, concerned.

_No shit Sherlock. Well…you wanted her attention. Congratulations, idiot. Now you look like a clumsy loser. _She thought.

She turned her head in Emily's direction, but couldn't quite look her in the eye.

"Yeah, alright Em. Thanks." She said begrudgingly.

"Alright, just lean on me I'll help you get to a chair." Emily said kindly.

Alison gave the brunette a small smile. It was strange, seeing her up close after a week of avoiding her. Ali had ignored every single one of Emily's texts, she hadn't spoken to her at all, and still Emily acted completely normal with her, as if it didn't even matter.

Emily smiled shyly back. She was wearing jeans and a slightly dressier black top. Ali thought she looked good, but it bothered her slightly because Emily didn't usually dress up for things like this. Ali couldn't help wondering who she was dressed up for, but she only needed one guess. _Flathead. Ugh._

Alison gripped her arm around Emily's shoulders, perhaps a little tighter than she really needed to, holding her extra close as the brunette helped her hobble over to sit down at Spencer's large kitchen table. Emily reached up across her chest to her own shoulder, taking Ali's hand as it draped around her neck. She helped the blonde lean against her while they walked. Ali could feel Emily's fingers pressing into her own, and it instantly reminded her of her dream. The way Emily had taken her hand…and moved it down her body. _This is too much, already. _She thought.

Emily supported Alison's arm as she sat down, keeping the weight off her leg. The brunette pulled a chair out opposite Ali and sat down. She pulled her arm away from around Alison's neck. Ali was reluctant to let go of Emily's hand, and she let her fingers linger there for a while before she let go fully.

Ali could see Hanna watching them. _What? Take a picture it'll last longer._ She thought.

Hanna was always the shy, quiet one. She was a little overweight, so she lacked confidence in a big way. Usually, she wouldn't say much, just sit in the corner and observe. Ali liked Hanna a lot, but she was sometimes a little hard on her. She could see potential in Hanna, though. She knew if she pushed her just enough she could be something amazing, one day. She knew it would take a lot to get her there though…and right now Hanna was just the one that _watched _everyone else.

_I really don't want to be observed too closely, right now. _Ali thought.

"I'll get you some ice." Spencer called, opening the fridge and taking out some ice cubes from the tray. She opened a sandwich bag from the cabinet and dropped them inside, making an ice pack.

"Here." She said, handing the bag to Emily.

Emily took the bag and set it down on the counter.

"Water marks! Water marks! I'll get you a towel!" Spencer said hastily, grabbing a kitchen towel and putting it under the bag.

Ali felt her foot throb painfully. She winced.

"Let it settle for a bit, don't move it just yet." Spencer said. "Hanna, you wanna help me get some snacks?." She added.

"Yes! Do you have those little peanut biscuit things? Those were amazing last time!" Hanna asked excitedly.

"It'll go straight to your thighs." Alison said, without thinking.

She knew she shouldn't keep making jabs at Hanna, but she wanted her attention to be on other things than her and Emily right now. Making comments wasn't the kindest way to do it, but maybe if she was still afraid of Ali, she wouldn't notice what was really going on. _Not that there's anything going on. _She thought. _But if there was, I want her to be too afraid of me to question me._

Hanna looked down glumly. "Everything goes straight to my thighs." She said.

"Oh, it's okay Han, I'm sure it'll be fine! You look great, anyway." Spencer said kindly.

Hanna smiled. She and Spencer moved away from the table, getting some snacks together from the kitchen.

Ali and Emily sat alone at the table. It was slightly awkward now, and Alison wasn't sure what to say. She wasn't usually lost for words, but she was struggling to find any.

Luckily, Emily started the conversation first.

"That's going to swell up if we don't put ice on it, Ali." She said, indicating the ice pack on the table.

Alison considered what to say for a moment. She could easily put the ice pack on herself, but she had gone to Spencer's for a purpose. _I want you to do it._ She thought. _I want to see if this spark is still there. I want to see if you still blush when you touch me._

And she did, she _really_ wanted to see. She was suddenly afraid of what might happen, and what she might feel, if Emily didn't react at all. _Oh my god what if she doesn't. What if it's just…gone. What will I do? _She thought.

She lifted her eyes to lock with the brunettes. _Here we go_. She thought.

"Em…" She started. "Can you do it?" She finished, lowering her voice to a sultry whisper.

Alison watched Emily intently for her reaction. She wasn't disappointed. Emily looked surprised for a second, and then slightly flustered. She saw the brunettes eyes glance at the ice pack on the table. Alison lifted her foot up, knowing full well that her bare leg was showing right up to where her Jean shorts ended…and they were _short._ She casually placed her foot on top of Emily's knee.

She felt Emily's leg tense up slightly when she rested her foot against it. Emily's eyes flickered down to her leg, subtly traveling all the way along to her bare thigh. The brunettes gaze lingered at the top of her thigh for a second, before meeting the blondes eyes. Ali saw Emily's lips part slightly. She looked completely turned on. _There it is_. Ali thought. _I knew it was still there._ She was relieved.

What Alison wasn't so prepared for, though, was her own reaction.

Emily tentatively reached for the ice pack, her eyes not leaving Alison's for a second. Ali watched as she brought the pack close to her foot.

When Emily spoke, it was a quiet murmur. "This might…be cold. It might hurt." She said.

Alison nodded. Emily brought the cold bag onto the top of Alison's foot. She wasn't prepared for the sensation. It hurt slightly, but it was _freezing._ Her leg instinctively jumped upwards, and Emily had to grab her foot to hold it down. The feeling subsided, though, and Ali felt her foot go numb as it settled in to the ice pack being held against it.

"Don't move." Emily said, giggling slightly.

Ali smirked. "It feels better, already."

They sat quietly for a few seconds, listening to Hanna and Spencer make snacks on the other side of the kitchen. Ali could feel that she would have a big bruise in the morning, but that her foot was already starting to feel better. She flexed her toes slightly, her heel digging into Emily's leg as she did so. Emily suddenly looked up at her, a strange look on her face that Ali didn't know how to read.

Then came the part that Ali wasn't prepared for. Emily moved her hand down so that one hand was holding the ice pack against her foot, but the other now touched Ali's skin. Emily's thumb settled against the arch of Alison's foot, while her fingers were wrapped around the front. The difference in temperature was alarming. Emily's fingers felt searing hot while the ice pack froze the other half. She felt Emily's thumbnail slowly graze down across her skin, in the most delicious way, right down the arch of her foot. Alison had never felt anything like it in her entire life. She never thought something so simple could feel so erotic.

Alison swallowed thickly. She felt a jolt of pleasure travel all the way up her leg and go straight to her center. Her foot flexed of its own accord as she took a sharp intake of breath. _Oh my god. Oh my god. Wow. _She looked up to see Emily's eyes glued to her face. She could see the brunette thinking, but she couldn't tell what about. Emily suddenly pressed down with her thumb again, starting to move it downwards again, her nail lightly scratching into Ali's skin. Ali's hand shot out to grip the table top, but as she did so, a loud crash sounded out behind her, shocking both the girls. Emily moved her hand quickly back to the ice pack.

"Oh great, there goes my moms vase." Spencer said, leaning down to pick up the pieces of glass.

"It's okay Spence, it wasn't that pretty anyway!" Hanna said, helping her clean up.

"Yeah well, we better get all the glass before we end up with another foot injury." Spencer said.

_I'll injure your face! That was feeling so good, thanks for interrupting! _Ali thought.

She had the strangest feeling that Emily had touched her like that on purpose…like she was testing her for a reaction. In the few seconds that they had locked eyes, Ali was sure she saw a rare moment of bravery shoot through the brunette. _Wow. That felt amazing. There's no way she'd do that on purpose…she doesn't do that. _Alison thought. _She never does anything like that, she's so shy. I'm supposed to be the one who pushes…it's always me. Where is this coming from? Did I imagine it? _She really didn't think she had, though.

Her foot was still resting on Emily's leg, but the brunette was no longer looking at her. She was looking down, at the ice pack.

_Do it again._ Ali thought. _Please, Emily…do it again._ But Emily didn't. She just held the ice pack against the blondes foot for a few more seconds before finally removing it and setting it back down on the towel. The entire time, she never met Alison's eyes again.

"There, all done. Don't want your foot to get too cold." Emily muttered quietly, her eyes now fixed on Spencer and Hanna as they cleared up the debris from the smashed lamp.

Ali realised that her foot was still pressed against Emily's knee, and she lifted it off slowly, putting it down on the floor.

Emily finally looked at her. "Does it feel okay? Is it better?" She asked, her eyes drifting down and lingering a little too long on Alison's leg.

"Yeah, thanks. I feel much better." Ali smiled. She did feel better, too. She felt relieved…she had spent so much time worrying that she had lost Emily's attention, but she realised very quickly that this wasn't the case. She felt a little smug.

Her smugness was soon interrupted by Hanna. She sat herself down opposite the two girls with a large plate of snacks in her hand. She licked her fingers as she placed the plate of snacks right in the middle of the table.

"So! Emily!" She began excitedly. "Are you and Ben official yet?"

Emily blushed, looking down quickly and began to fidget with her hands. She seemed unsure how to answer. She glanced quickly at Alison, who was staring at her intently.

"I…I'm not sure, I mean, I guess we kind of are." She admitted shyly.

"Kind of?" Alison questioned. _Ugh, for God sake Emily. What kind of an answer is kind of? You either are, or you aren't._

"Yeah, come on Em, what's going on?" Hanna looked expectantly at the brunette, waiting for her to elaborate.

Alison knew she must look a little pissed off, and tried very hard not to keep showing it. She realised she was frowning, and pulled her foot up to massage it a little, hoping to mask her emotions.

"Well...I guess we're taking it slow. I mean…he hasn't officially asked me out or anything. But, we've…you know, _kissed_, so…" She trailed off.

"Oh my GOD! Yes! Hell yeah, Emily!" Hanna clapped her hands together excitedly and squealed.

Spencer sat down at the table with the other girls, listening to their conversation. Ali didn't want to look up from her very detailed inspection of her foot. _If I look up they'll think I'm about to murder someone. They'll see it in my eyes. Ugh! _

Emily laughed nervously. "Yeah, it's pretty exciting…my first boyfriend. Well, soon, I guess."

"Yeah and he drove you over here that was sweet! He seems really nice." Spencer added.

_Ugh. Trust me, when a boy gets you in his car there's always a reason! It's never just nice!_ Ali thought, irritated. She knew this conversation was inevitable…but thinking about it, and actually _hearing it _were two separate things. She remembered the time she had kissed Matt in front of Emily, and briefly wondered if Emily had felt the way she was feeling now. _Wow, if she did then I'm such a bitch. _

"Yeah, he did. He wants to go with me to Noel's Halloween thing, too." Emily mentioned.

"That big party he always has?" Spencer said. "That's awesome."

"So…this kiss." Hanna said expectantly.

Emily blushed. "Yeah?"

_No! Don't bring that up again! Great! Let's hear all about this kiss! As if seeing it wasn't bad enough!_ Ali thought.

"Well…" Spencer said. "How was it?"

Hanna's eyes gleamed in expectation. "It was your first? Right?"

"Mm hmm." Emily said quietly. She had a slight smile on her face as she looked down.

_No._ Thought Ali.

Hanna and Spencer burst out laughing.

"Don't be shy!" Spencer said.

"Yeah, come on, spill, what was your first kiss like Emily, you can tell us. No, scratch that, you _need_ to tell us!" Hanna said, drumming her hands happily on the table.

_No, she really doesn't. And anyway, if she does, it's all a big fat lie anyway._ Ali thought, starting to get more and more annoyed.

_You know what. Fine. If I have to hear about this then I want to make sure she knows exactly what she's about to say. She can look them in the eye and lie about it, but I'm gonna make damn sure she remembers who it really belongs to._

Alison turned to face Emily fully. The brunette looked over at her.

"Yeah, Emily. What _was_ your _first kiss_ like?" Alison questioned in a low, serious voice. She looked Emily in the eyes daringly.

Emily looked momentarily flustered. She stared straight back at Alison.

"It…" She began. "It was _perfect._" She said quietly, and sincerely, never breaking eye contact with Ali.

Ali felt a dull ache in her heart. _Yeah, it really was._ She hadn't expected Emily to say it quite like that, or look at her that way. She wasn't sure what she had been expecting, but the sincerity in Emily's voice was disarming.

Ali looked down. "I'm sure it was." She said, quietly. She couldn't help but smile a little.

"Wow." Spencer said. "I think it's totally cute. You guys are a really good match."

Hanna looked up at the ceiling, a dreamy expression on her face. "Oh I'd have loved to have seen that, I bet it was magical…you and Ben all kissy kissy!"

_More like repulsive._ Alison thought.

Spencer laughed. "Oh my god Hanna, you're such a perv!"

Hanna giggled, loudly. "No! I'm just _romantic_! That's all!" She threw her hands up in a 'so what' expression.

Emily laughed. "You know…I was so nervous! And I totally expected to see you there with a video camera, Hanna."

"I wish!" She stated loudly. "I'd play that on repeat at your wedding on a _huge_ screen! Oh my god can you imagine!"

_Let's not._ Ali thought, irritated.

The three girls burst into a fit of hysterical laughter. Ali tried to join in and laugh a little, too…but she couldn't quite manage it. _God I am being so obvious. Stop looking so bothered. _She thought.

"You're insane!" Emily said in between giggles. "You'd totally do that, too!"

"Oh I _so _would." Hanna said.

Hanna reached over, grabbing a bread stick from the plate and chewed on it like a carrot. "Oh my god, bread. I love bread. We should totally order a pizza!"

"Han this is a study date! Not a sleepover, remember!" Spencer scolded.

"So what! You can't eat pizza at a study date? What kind of rule is that." She answered.

"Alright, maybe when Aria gets here we'll see if we can order something. I'm kinda hungry actually. Watching Ian and Melissa cook pasta kinda got me in the mood for Italian food, anyway." Spencer said.

_Great, now let's keep bringing Ian up. Excellent._ Ali thought.

"Pizza _so _doesn't count as Italian food, it's like it's own food group." Emily said.

"I prefer French." Ali said casually. She realised she hadn't spoken in a while, and she didn't want anyone to think she was acting strangely.

The doorbell rang loudly, and Spencer turned her head towards the kitchen door. "That's Aria. Looks like we're all ready. Did you guys bring the book? I've got the notes."

"Yeah, I plan to copy those, by the way." Hanna said.

Spencer went to answer the door to let Aria in.

As soon as she had left the room Hanna dropped her voice down to a whisper. "Did anyone actually read the book? I totally didn't. She's not gonna like, quiz us or anything is she? I kinda need to copy those notes before she notices."

Emily looked shocked. "Hanna! I told you! You totally watched MTV instead of studying didn't you!"

"No!" Hanna said defensively. "Well, yeah." She admitted, unable to lie. "That Gaga thing was on! And shh! She'll hear you!" She said, panicking.

Emily gave her a mock stare. "Alright, you can copy mine. There's no way you'll get away with it if you copy Spencer's. I'm pretty sure she's colour coded every single paragraph."

"Hey!" Hanna said, acting offended. Then, she realised that Emily was completely right. "Oh who am I kidding. I'm totally failing it anyway. Shh... don't tell her until later, but I_ totally_ brought the movie with me." She said scandalously.

Alison was relieved. The last thing she actually wanted to do was go through every quote in the book word for word. There were too many parts in it that reminded her of Emily, and she didn't think she could deal with that tonight. A movie might be slightly more bearable.

"Great idea Hanna." She said. "I totally don't wanna read the damn thing either, yawn." She said, pretending to yawn dramatically.

"You didn't?" Emily asked Alison.

"No…it seemed boring." Ali said shortly. "Besides, I'm glad we didn't have to read all of it. The test isn't for a few weeks, anyway. I don't see what the big rush is."

"Really?" Emily looked puzzled. "I thought it was…amazing. I read the parts we were supposed to read for the test, but I didn't finish it. I had too much to do for swim practice, but I kinda want to know what happens now."

_Then you missed the best part, it was incredible._ Alison thought.

"Yeah, well, I'm totally down for Hanna's idea. Movie all the way." Ali said casually.

"You guys are terrible." Emily said.

Hanna looked at Alison and laughed, pleased that they were both sharing a hatred for studying. Alison _had_ read the book, but Hanna had no idea, of course.

Spencer and Aria entered the room. Aria smiled at the girls and Alison smiled back. She liked Aria, she was sweet and thoughtful. She wouldn't hurt a fly, really. She was quite secretive, however, which was the one thing about her that Alison could never really figure out.

Aria sat down at the table, setting her book back down on the floor.

"Sorry I'm late _again_. I had to run to the store with mom." She said.

"It's alright, Aria, we were waiting on you to decide if we'd get pizza or not. What do you think?" Hanna asked.

"Sure, sounds good!" She chirped. Aria turned to Emily, who was absently fiddling with the side of the food plate.

"Come on then, what happened." She asked.

Emily looked up. "What?"

"Ben! What happened with Ben, duh! I bet I missed all the gossip! Fill me in!" She waited expectantly for Emily to answer.

_No. We are not having this conversation again._ Alison thought. _No way._

"Yawn. Been there, talked about that. They kissed, it was _magical_…the end." Alison said, putting extra emphasis on the word magical. She also added some air quotes, for extra sarcasm.

Aria looked from Alison to Emily.

"Yeah…yeah I guess that's it." Emily stuttered. "We just kissed. We've been out a couple of times this week, too. Just here and there. It's been fun."

_Wait, what? This is brand new information. _Alison thought, suddenly paying exquisite attention.

"Aww that's sweet. I'm happy for you. When do you think he'll ask you out?" Aria asked.

_Hopefully never._ Ali thought.

"I don't know, I mean, we sort of already are. It might just be a gradual thing, you know." Emily said tentatively.

_So gradual that it eventually fizzles out._ Alison hoped.

"Yeah, I totally get it. Sometimes you just have to take your time. It's better that way. You don't want to rush anything." Aria said.

Emily smiled, and nodded. "Yeah, to be honest, I kinda like this pace. I don't want to take anything too fast, in case I mess it up."

"You won't mess it up, Em." Hanna chimed in. "Now that he's got you he won't want to let you go." She smiled.

"Thanks guys, you're all sweet. Yeah, I'll just take it as it comes. He's picking me up later, too." She added.

Alison _almost _made a distasteful noise, but pulled it back at the last second. _Great. She can ride off into the sunset with that oaf. What do I care._

But she did…she did care. That was the problem. The more she heard about Ben, the more she could feel him taking Emily from her, piece by piece. Usually, Emily would have asked her if she was walking home. She _always_ wanted to go with her. But now, now that she had Ben, everything suddenly seemed different. _I know what I felt earlier, though. _She reminded herself. _I felt her. She still wants me. She's just choosing to ignore it._ _I'll just have to make her remember._

"Really, that's awesome. I'm sure you two will have a fun ride home!" Hanna said, scandalously wiggling her eyebrows.

"Guys! Stop!" Emily laughed.

_Yeah, stop now before I punch you. _Ali thought.

Spencer grabbed something from the floor and placed it on the table. It was a giant black bag. She pulled out the _Great Expectations_ book, along with a colour-coded note book filled with paper. Hanna looked at it, glumly.

"Do we have to?" She asked.

"Yes! Do you want to fail that test Han? Come on, that was the whole point of this, we need to learn it. Well, I already know it, but _you_ need to learn it." Spencer said, her voice stern like a teachers'.

Hanna looked most unamused. "Fine. Okay, I give in. What's it about? Hit me with it."

"Well…the parts you need to know are all here." Spencer said, indicating to a large pile of pink post-it notes. They had various quotes written on them in black marker pen.

"You…did all this?" Emily asked.

_Ugh this looks so boring. When can I leave. _Ali thought.

"Yeah, I figured it was the easiest way. You just memorise the quotes and match them up with the text. When we have the test, hopefully you'll be able to remember which ones go with which." Spencer instructed.

Emily and Aria glanced at each other. This looked like a _lot_ of work.

The girls got to work. Spencer had everything quite neatly organised into piles so it was easy to work through the different study games she had set up.

They had been going through the quotes for about twenty minutes now, and Ali was beginning to get irritated. She already knew all this. It also didn't make it any easier that every single time she had to read out a quote, it was always one that reminded her of Emily.

Hanna had gotten every one of her quotes wrong so far, and by the time it was her turn to read one out again, she was completely over it. Ali watched her screw up her face trying to figure out which scene to match it to.

"I don't get it! Why can't they just say, like…blah blah I like you, let's date. Why are there so many _words!_" Hanna said, annoyed. She slammed the quote back down onto the table.

"It's _poetic_ Hanna." Ali said. "It's supposed to be ironic…romantic, and soulful."

Hanna looked at her strangely. "You find it romantic?"

"No…I just…think sometimes things are better when they're written down. That's all." Ali answered. She wanted to make her point. "Here, give it to me." She took the post-it from Hanna and began to read in a soft voice.

"You are part of my existence, part of myself. You have been in every line I have ever read, since I first came here, the rough common boy whose poor heart you wounded even then."

Alison put the quote down, and looked at Hanna. She wouldn't look at Emily, at all. It was too hard.

"Yeah, so?" Hanna said in a confused voice. "I don't get it, what does it all _mean_…what's the point?"

"The point _is_ dumbass…" Ali started. "He loves her so much, but all she ever does is tease him…she teases him relentlessly. She leads him on despite giving him only the barest glimmer of hope. And he still loves her. He loves her more than _anything. _Even though…she's being unfair." Alison's voice became quiet. "He loves her, still."

That was when Alison finally realised _why_ she was so obsessed with the book. It was her. It was all her. She was Estella. And Emily was Pip. Emily loved her against reason…and all she ever did was lead her on. _I'm a horrible person._ She thought. _She loves me, and I just want to keep her_ _there. But if I don't love her, too…then why am I trying to hold on to her? _She wanted to push away the sudden alarming thought that she might _love_ Emily back. _It can't be…it just can't be. Try and ignore it. Push it away._ She told herself, trying hard to shake it all off. _You just want to know she's still there, remember. That's it. That's all this is. Then you can let her go._

Alison realised that she must have fazed out for a second. Four pairs of eyes watched her closely. She realised that the girls had never seen her read before. They probably didn't even think she owned a book. She put on her best bitchy look.

"Well, it's _obvious_ isn't it? It's not _that _hard Hanna. I haven't even read it and I can understand it." She said cattily.

The girls looked at her, before going back to their notepads to write down what Alison had said in reference to the quote. As Alison put her eyes to her own notebook, she noticed Emily watching her from the corner of her eye. The brunette had her eyes down, but was looking sideways at her, her eyes flickering over Alison's body, as if she was trying so suss something out. Ali refused to look back. She could feel Emily watching her, still, but she was afraid to look her in the eye.

Hanna slammed her pen down on the table. "That's it! I can't deal with this. I want pizza and I want movie time!"

"Movie time?" Aria asked, looking up from her notebook.

"Yeah. I bought the movie with me. The one about the book. I thought we could watch it if this got…you know, boring." She added in a small voice.

Spencer looked annoyed. "Boring?" She asked pointedly.

"Oh! Sue me! Sorry, but I just can't deal with this writing stuff, it's all going over the bridge." Hanna said, throwing her arms up dramatically.

"It's over your _head, _Hanna, and it's water under the bridge." Spencer said.

"What? What water? I'm totally confused…there's water, now?" Hanna said quizzically.

Aria and Emily laughed loudly. Alison smiled, she loved watching Emily laugh. The brunette would throw her head back dramatically and let out the funniest noise, her hair cascading down her back. Emily actually had tears in her eyes, and chuckled intermittently as she tried to wipe them away.

"Oh my god Hanna you're too much!" Emily said, still laughing.

Alison realised she had a massive grin on her face. She had to stop looking before anyone noticed her staring. She was grinning like an idiot, watching Emily have so much fun. _God what is the matter with me._ She thought.

"Well, I cannot deal with these post-it notes anymore. I'm about to start seeing neon pink in my sleep. Anyone for the movie, instead?" Hanna asked.

_Finally. At least she didn't take too long getting up the courage to bail._ Ali thought, grateful that she could get away from the studying.

"Actually I need to get my head round these, first. I do better when I can read something in front of me." Aria said.

"I'll help you with it Aria, but you guys can always go upstairs and watch it. Just go to my room and use the DVD player." Spencer said helpfully.

Hanna looked as though all her Christmases had come at once. "YES! Me and Gwyneth are getting our movie on!"

"Gwyneth?" Alison asked.

"Yeah! Gwyneth Paltrow! She's all over this film." Hanna answered.

_Oh my god what year was this movie made._ Alison thought.

"That's the 90's version, right?" Emily asked.

"Yeah! I think so." Hanna said. She got up from the table, picking up the plate of snacks.

"Mind if I take these?" she asked, not really giving anyone a choice.

"No crumbs on my bed!" Spencer warned.

Alison got up too, and waited for Emily to move. Emily usually followed her wherever she went, but this time…Emily didn't get up. Alison frowned. _Is she really going to pass up spending time with me for studying? What the fuck is going on. _She limped over to the door, following Hanna as she left the room. Her foot still hurt, and she was irritated. She fully expected Emily to have come with her. It was a shock that the brunette hadn't.

_Just keep walking._ She thought._ You're Alison DiLaurentis. You don't chase anyone._

Ali left the room, walking to the bottom of Spencer's stairs. She put one foot on the bottom step, ready to follow Hanna to Spencer's room, but found she couldn't move. Before she knew what she was doing, she lifted her head and called Hanna, who had already reached the top of the stairs.

"I'll be there in a sec, I'm just going to grab some more snacks." She said.

"Alright!" Hanna called back, disappearing from view.

Ali walked back to the kitchen door and peered quietly inside. Spencer, Aria and Emily were all sat at the table, their heads down. She could see under the table, and saw Emily's leg moving up and down quickly, as if agitated. She looked nervous, like she wanted to move. Nobody saw Alison as she stood, staring. She willed Emily to look up. She didn't have to wait long before the brunette lifted her beautiful brown eyes to the door. She saw Alison.

She looked slightly startled to see the blonde there, staring at her, but she didn't say anything. Her mouth opened slightly as if she was going to speak, but she didn't. She just looked straight at Alison. They locked eyes for a few seconds before Ali raised an eyebrow at Emily questioningly. _You coming? _She said in her head, silently, hoping Emily would get the message. _I want you to come upstairs. _Emily said nothing, she just looked.

Alison backed up so that she was out of sight again, but as she disappeared around the door, she leaned back against the wall, closing her eyes. _She's not coming. She's just going to sit there._ Then, she heard a noise. The slight scraping of a chair. She opened her eyes.

"I think I'll go watch the movie, after all." She heard Emily tell Aria and Spencer.

_Yes. Gotcha._ Alison silently congratulated herself.

Ali left her place at the wall and darted to the front of the stairs, placing one hand on the bannister. She listened as Emily opened the kitchen door and walked towards her, down the hallway. Emily appeared next to her. The two girls looked at each other for a long moment, neither knowing what to say. Ali realised that this was the first time she had been alone with Emily all night. It was the first time they'd been alone since they kissed, actually.

Emily was the first to speak, breaking the silence with her soft voice. "Hey…how's your foot." She asked.

"Still kinda sore…the ice helped, though." Ali said, giving Emily a slight smile.

"You um…wanna go upstairs?" Emily said shyly. She fidgeted from foot to foot, not quite looking Ali in the eye.

"It's better than that snooze-fest in there." Ali answered, gesturing towards the kitchen door. "Besides, I think I need to relax my brain." She admitted.

"Yeah, me too." Emily said awkwardly.

Ali couldn't help but feel like the conversation was a little forced. _It's like I don't know how to talk to her, anymore._ She thought sadly. _Have things really changed that much between us? _She didn't want to think that they had, but she knew deep down that things between them were now _very_ different. _You can't just kiss someone and expect everything to be normal. What did you think would happen._

Ali moved first, walking up the stairs in front of Emily. She could feel the brunettes eyes on her back as she sauntered up the steps. _Let her look. _She thought. _Let her watch me._

She could feel Emily's presence following closely behind her as she moved through the upstairs of Spencer's large house. She found Spencer's bedroom door and opened it, to find Hanna sitting on the floor in front of the TV, watching MTV.

Hanna looked startled. "I wasn't watching it! It just came on, I swear! I'm studying, look!" She exclaimed, pointing to the DVD case in her lap.

Emily and Alison fully entered the room, shutting the door behind them.

"Sure, Han, what were you studying? Lady Gaga's ass?" Ali said, indicating to the TV screen. Lady Gaga was gyrating about, half naked on a pole.

"I'm _sorry! _But it's the second part of the documentary and I _cannot_ miss it! Lady G is _life! _I _need _to know where she gets those shoes, okay! I just need to!" Hanna said.

Alison rolled her eyes. "Well…she is pretty hot in those shoes, I'll admit." She said, admiring the red stilettos on Lady Gaga's feet. Alison liked shoes, she liked them a _lot._

Hanna turned her attention back to the screen. There were now four half naked female dancers swinging around on poles around Lady Gaga.

Ali turned to Emily to give her a 'look' about Hanna, and what she saw surprised her. Emily wasn't paying attention to either of the girls, at all. She was too busy watching the dancing women on the screen. She seemed to be watching them _very_ intently. Alison watched as Emily's eyes flickered from one girl to the next, and then settled on Lady Gaga's half naked body. _Well, she isn't watching the shoes, that's for sure. That's new._ Ali thought. _Oh my god, she is totally checking out Lady Gaga! Wait…she's really checking her out. _Ali frowned, realisation suddenly kicked in.

It suddenly all made sense. In that quick, fleeting moment, she _knew _one of the most important things she would ever learn about her friend. _Emily is gay. _She realised. _She's actually gay._

She had always thought that Emily was just in love with her because she was _her…_Alison DiLaurentis. What she noticed as she watched Emily looking at the screen brought an entirely new perspective to the entire situation. _She likes girls. It's not just me…it's ALL girls. She's completely gay! Oh my god! _

This realisation shocked Alison. Firstly, because she had thought somehow that this obsession Emily had with her was just an infatuation. She always wondered if Emily was somehow just attracted to Alison's because she was her complete opposite. Emily was shy, and kind. Alison wasn't, she was outgoing, and bitchy. Ali thought that maybe part of the reason Emily liked her was because she wanted to _be _her in some way. She knew Emily looked at her like she was completely in love with her, but she had never _really_ let herself believe it was true.

The second shock Alison had, was of a more selfish nature. She always felt _special_ when Emily looked at her. The brunette never, ever looked at anyone else the way she looked at Alison. The idea that Emily was attracted to _other_ girls annoyed the blonde. It made her feel somehow less special. _It's only supposed to be me._ She thought. She realised to her horror that she was, in fact, _not_ the center of Emily's universe. Emily had other desires…other wants, in life, other than her.

As she watched Emily looking at the screen, she felt like a great truth had come barreling out of nowhere and landed in her brain. _She's gay! How the fuck hasn't anybody noticed! How am I only just noticing it! Have I been that self involved that I've only just seen this now? Has she told anyone? _Alison suddenly had a million questions. They raced through her head at a hundred miles an hour. _No, she can't have told anyone, she's dating Ben. _Ali thought, confused. Then, another thought suddenly brought her whole thinking process to an abrupt halt. _She hasn't even realised she's gay. She doesn't know it, yet. _

Ali stood in silence, her mouth slightly agape. She must have been staring at Emily for a good minute or so in silence. Emily hadn't noticed though, both her and Hanna were still staring at the TV set. Only this time, Alison knew they were watching entirely different things. _Wow. I can't believe I've only just noticed. I've been so blind. She's so obvious about it too! God, Emily! Stop staring at Gaga's boobs! How the fuck have I never seen this before! She is SO gay! _

Emily turned to Alison. "I watched this documentary too, last week. It was _so _good!" She said, looking back at the screen.

Ali glanced from the TV to Emily, and back again. "Yeah. You liked it, huh?" She asked, her voice wavering slightly.

"Yeah, like Hanna said, Lady G is life!" Emily laughed.

Hanna pumped her fist in the air in agreement, her face never leaving the TV set.

"You guys can totally just borrow the movie, if you want. You can take it home with you, tonight. You wanna pretend we're watching it and watch this instead?" Hanna said hopefully.

"Sure." Alison said statically. She was still lost for words.

Emily rolled her eyes. "Alright, I kinda wanna watch it too, but do _not_ tell Spencer."

Emily smiled at the back of Hanna's head. Hanna hadn't moved an inch since they entered the room. She was sat in front of the TV with her legs crossed, the huge plate of snacks resting on her knees. Ali caught Emily's eye and smiled too. This was typical of Hanna, the whole study date had been for her and now they were watching MTV.

Emily and Alison moved towards Spencer's bed. Alison suddenly didn't know what to do. _Do I get under the comforter, or do I just sit on the bed? _She glanced at Emily, who was obviously having the same thought. The two girls looked at each other for a moment, before Ali decided for them both. She pulled the comforter open, and raised an eyebrow at Emily.

Ali crawled under Spencer's comforter, and leaned backwards against her pillows. She plumped one up so that her head could rest against it. Emily watched her get comfortable and gingerly crawled across the bed to lie beside her. She looked Alison in the eye, once, before pulling the comforter up and over the two of them.

Emily shifted so that her body was pressed up against Alison's under the thin quilt. _She's so close I can smell her hair._ Ali thought. She couldn't help but feel comforted by Emily's presence. Having the brunette so close to her was nice…it was warm, and relaxing. She felt comfortable. Ali pulled her knees up so her feet were resting flat against the bed. Emily did the same, mirroring the blonde. They could just about see the top of Hanna's head over their knees.

An awkward silence settled in. Hanna was oblivious, she was so enthralled by the documentary that Ali doubted she would even notice if lady Gaga strolled into the room and sat down beside her. _Bet she'd notice if Gaga stole her snacks, though._ She added bitchily in her head. _No, don't be mean. _

Alison caught Emily looking at her. She could see the brunettes eyes flicking up and down slightly out of the corner of her eye._ Why does she keep doing that today. I keep seeing her doing that! What's she looking at? Does she want to say something?_

Ali turned her head so it was close to Emily's ear. Emily now looked straight ahead.

"Hi" Ali whispered, smiling, her eyes flirtatious.

Emily's eyes flickered closed slightly. _She feels it too, this proximity. I know she does._ Ali thought. She knew she was being unfair. She knew she shouldn't be doing this to Emily, but she really couldn't help it. She felt addicted to every sharp intake of breath Emily gave, every shy smile, and every single blush. She couldn't help but be the cause of it. Emily was like a drug to her, she needed to keep taking it, but she knew she shouldn't.

Emily turned to look her straight in the face. "Hi" she said back. Ali smiled. _I want to push it further…just a little further._ Ali thought. She raised her hand to Emily's face and brushed a strand of her hair behind her ear, letting her fingertips linger along the side of Emily's neck. She watched Emily's breathing falter, and her skin raise with goosebumps.

"I love your hair." Ali said honestly. "You should let me do something with it, let me do it in a French plait or something." She said quietly, fiddling with the ends of Emily's hair.

Emily's breathing was shallower than before . She reached up to touch her own hair. "You think?" She answered.

"Yeah. I love playing with people's hair. I love it when people play with mine, too." She said, still whispering so that Hanna wouldn't hear their conversation.

Emily fiddled with the underside of the blanket. "Yeah, so do I." She said, darting her eyes back to the TV screen. Alison could tell she was nervous. She could feel it in the way the comforter was pulled taut across their knees, like Emily was keeping herself rigid underneath it.

"Lie down a bit." Alison said suddenly. "Lie down so I can play with your hair. It'll feel good, I promise." She said innocently. _Oh, I'm far from innocent. If she's all nervous now wait till she feels this. _Ali thought. _I should stop, I should really stop. I'll just see what she does, and then I swear, I'll stop._

Emily didn't argue, she scooted down the bed slightly and tentatively laid her head on Alison's chest. Ali closed her eyes slightly at the sensation. She knew it would have been easier for Emily to sit in front of her, but she had left that up to Emily to decide, and the brunette had obviously opted to lie down with her head on top of her chest. Alison couldn't help but be a little amused by that.

Emily looked up at Ali with her big brown eyes. Ali glanced down at her, leaning over slightly. "Just relax." She said. Alison's hands stroked up the sides of Emily's face, and up into her hair. Emily's eyes had fluttered closed the second Ali had touched her skin. Alison Began lightly stroking her fingers through Emily's hair, and Emily let out a small sigh. Ali made sure to drag her fingers across Emily's scalp slowly, as if she was giving her an Indian head massage. Emily let out a barely audible, low moan. It caused a jolt of pleasure that shot straight through Alison's body, and settled in between her legs. Ali's fingers stopped moving immediately. _Fuck. Stop it. Stop now. _But she couldn't, she just couldn't stop. She wanted to hear that noise again. She reached under Emily's head to the nape of her neck, and slowly caressed the skin there, letting her hails drag down the brunettes tanned skin just below her hairline. Emily gasped again, shivering. Ali could feel Emily's body shift slightly under her own.

Suddenly, Hanna let out an enormous burst of laughter. Emily's eyes flew open and she sat upright, shocked.

Hanna turned around for the first time, still laughing loudly. "Did you see her fall! How funny was that!"

Alison laughed equally as loudly, trying to mask the fact that she hadn't seen _any _of the documentary so far. "Oh my god, yeah, what an idiot." She said.

Hanna stretched her legs out in front of her, nearly dropping the plate of snacks. She managed to catch it as it toppled dangerously from where it was resting on her knees.

"Shit. Don't want crummy crumbs getting all over the floor do we? She would totally kill me." She said. "Actually, I might come and sit up there with you two, this floor is starting to flatten my ass."

_No, don't sit up here. Stay there._ Ali thought.

"Well, that might not be such a bad thing, Han. How many peanut things did you eat?" Ali asked, a little _too_ harshly.

Emily turned around and gave Alison a disapproving look.

Hanna didn't respond. She set the plate down on the floor and bounced over to the bed, crawling across the comforter and squishing herself in between Ali and Emily.

Alison immediately missed Emily's warm body. _God I need to get a grip. You can't keep doing this. You have to sort yourself out. Why can't you leave her alone. Stop touching her. You're going to make this whole situation worse. Just sit here and watch the show, and then go home. That's all. You got what you wanted tonight. She still likes you, obviously. Now stop._ She thought.

_It's not just you she likes though…it's every other damn girl too._ She added wordlessly in her head.

Suddenly, the bedroom door burst open, and Spencer stood in the doorway.

"What's so funny up here? I didn't think it was a funny film?" Spencer questioned, knowingly.

Her eyes moved from the three girls on the bed, to the TV set. Her eyes then fixed on Hanna.

"Hanna Marin!" She exclaimed in an accusatory voice.

"I…" Hanna started. "It just...came on all by it's self." She said meekly, cringing under Spencer's glare.

"Get your butts back downstairs! Do you want to fail this test?" She asked Hanna.

"No! But I don't want to study for it either…" Hanna answered.

"Then you'll fail it!" Spencer said.

"Nah, I can probably get the answers from someone if I _really_ suck up. I'll just find some geek in the library and bribe him." Hanna said, proudly.

"With what? Your last snickers bar?" Ali said tartly.

"_No._ With my charm and wit." Hanna said, flicking her hair.

"Right, okay. Well it's your choice!" Spencer said, giving up. She turned to Emily and Alison next. "And you two!" She started, but Ali interrupted her.

"Oh, blah blah, whatever. The test isn't for a couple weeks, anyway. Who cares, we'll just study for it nearer the time." She said. "Right Em?" She added sternly.

"Yeah. It's okay Spence. I think I've got everything I need, actually. Your notes were really helpful." Emily said kindly.

"Alright…" Spencer trailed off. "But do _not_ come crying to me if you all fail it!" She added.

There was a chorus of "okay" from Emily and Hanna.

"Doubtful." Alison muttered. _I'm not failing anything, I already know the thing word for word. I'll probably do better than you! Ha!_

Spencer gave them once last disapproving stare before she left the room. She smiled to herself though, as if she knew they wouldn't have been studying when she came to check on them.

Hanna grimaced. "Busted." She laughed. Emily giggled, too.

Ali and Emily watched the rest of the documentary in silence. Occasionally Hanna would make a comment and laugh at the TV.

Alison couldn't help but look over at Emily every now and again as she watched the screen. She could see Emily's eyes wander every now and again when Lady Gaga was wearing a particularly revealing outfit.

_Well…I guess I know what I'm going as for Halloween. _She thought smugly.

When the show eventually finished, the three girls made their way downstairs to find Aria and Spencer at the kitchen table, still revising.

Spencer looked up from her notes.

"Crumbs?" She asked Hanna.

"No crumbs." Hanna answered with a nod of her head. She had left the plate upstairs, though.

Emily's phone buzzed and she frowned, taking it out of her pocket.

She looked at the name on the screen and smiled. "It's Ben."

_Great. Come to pick his princess up in his chariot, no doubt._ Alison thought.

"Well, answer it!" Hanna exclaimed.

Emily answered the phone. Ali was annoyed. She could see the nervous, yet excited look on the brunettes face.

"Hey." Emily said brightly.

Alison could hear Ben's voice on the other end of the phone, but she couldn't hear what he was saying.

"Sure, I'll be out in a sec, I'll come meet you." Emily said.

Alison stared at her as she walked around with the phone.

"Yeah, okay, see you in a few." Emily ended the phone call.

For one brief, horrifying moment, Alison thought she was about to hear the words "_love you_" come out of Emily's mouth. _They've only been dating a week! Stop it! Calm down! _

Emily turned to the rest of the girls. "He's picking me up in a few." She said.

_Obviously, we have ears! Duh!_ Ali thought, suddenly very irritated.

Alison didn't think she would be able to watch Emily leave with Ben, so she opted to say her goodbyes first, and leave.

"Guys, I'm going to head off. I have places to be, _people_ to see, you know." She said as casually as she could.

She was met with a chorus of "_no, stay!" _from Aria, Hanna and Spencer but she could tell they already knew she was going to leave. Once Alison said something, she very rarely ever took it back.

Alison grabbed her heels from the hallway, slipping them on. Her foot still throbbed a little from where she had banged it but it was feeling much better. She decided to leave through the kitchen door, instead of the main door, and waved goodbye to the girls. As she left, Emily followed her to the door. She held it open slightly as Ali slipped through it.

"I'll see you soon, Ali." Emily said, sincerely.

Alison held her gaze for a few seconds, but quickly looked away. She loathed to leave Emily with Ben, but she knew she had to. _You have to go. You came here to see if she still wanted you. She does. Congratulations. Now leave. It has to end, now._

"Yeah, bye Em." She said quietly.

She took a couple of steps forward, and started to walk away. She heard Emily go to close the door behind her but before she could get it all the way closed, Alison turned sharply. She put her arm out quickly, stopping the door from shutting. Emily pulled it back again, her face close to Ali's.

Alison searched Emily's eyes intensely, their faces only a few centimetres apart.

Suddenly, Alison realised that she _had _to say something.

Her voice came out passionate, and fiery. "Don't do anything you don't want to do, Emily. Just _be yourself_. I know you're happy with Ben. I know I told you to try new things, and to find out what you really wanted…" She trailed off. "But just make sure you know what you're doing…don't make a mistake." She concluded.

Emily looked at her, an alarmed expression on her face. She wasn't expecting Ali to say that.

"I…I won't." She stuttered.

_I know you're gay._ Alison wanted to say. _I know you are. I know you feel alone. I know you're afraid of it. Don't be scared. Don't run from it. Be yourself. Don't ever be afraid to be yourself. Just realise it, Emily. Realise it before it's too late. _

She couldn't say any of that to Emily, of course. She wouldn't even know how. If she did, it would probably come off sounding like the was jealous. Maybe Emily would just deny it. She knew she would have to tell her she knew what was going on sometime soon, though. She knew she would have to help the brunette realise who she really was. She couldn't bear to watch emily living a lie. Ben was a lie. She knew that. Emily was just keeping up appearances, she just didn't realise it yet.

_I have to push her, or she'll end up making the biggest mistake of her life._ Alison thought.

Ali smiled at Emily. She reached out to touch the brunettes arm lightly. _I'm here for you, Em. It might not seem like it, but I am._ She thought.

Emily looked down at Alison's hand on her arm, then back up to Ali's face. She smiled back at the blonde.

Alison let go abruptly. She turned quickly, not looking back once as she disappeared through Spencer's back gate. Emily held the door open, watching her leave.

Alison stood in the shadows across the street from Spencer's house, watching as Emily climbed into Ben's car. She watched as Ben leaned across the gap in the seats to kiss Emily a couple of times on the lips. Emily pulled back, smiling, before she leaned back in. Ben's hand came up to caress the side of her face as he deepened the kiss. Emily's hand wound its way around to the back of his head, holding him close as her mouth moved against his. They finally pulled apart, smiling at each other.

Ali felt horrible. She knew she shouldn't be watching…but she couldn't help it. She just couldn't _not_ look. She knew she should have walked away. She would have spared herself the stabbing pain that was pricking through her chest. She just couldn't look away. She _had_ to see.

On the surface, Emily looked happy. But Ali knew that deep down, Emily was just masking her true feelings. Ali knew she would have to grin and bear this because Emily just wasn't ready. She would _have _to watch Emily pretend to be happy with Ben.

She did want to help Emily, though. _I'll have to tell her I know. _She thought. _I'll let her know I know what's going on. Maybe then she'll talk to me about it. Maybe then, she'll accept who she really is._

Alison had learned a lot at her short time at Spencer's house. She had gone there to study, but not for the test. She had gone there to study Emily, and to see if Emily still liked her. She had _made sure_ that that was the case. She had done everything in her power to _keep_ Emily's interest. What she hadn't been expecting, though, was just how much _more_ there now was to learn about her friend. She had discovered a new piece of information, one she wasn't sure she even wanted to know. Now, she just had to decide what to do with it.

**Authors note: So! That was the first time we get to see Alison's thought process when she's around emily! It also was supposed to put a backstory as to why Ali might have wanted to be lady Gaga for halloween. I hope you guys liked it! Please let me know! Alison knows about Emily now so we will be going into new territory soon. We all know she's got to tell her and they have to have their kiss in the library, too! That's all coming up in the next few chapters! Are you guys missing emily yet? She's got a lot going on so she has a lot to say!**

**Thank you SO much for your reviews and comments. You're all helping me to steer this story in the right direction and I really do take everything you say Into account! I appreciate and read all your feedback even if it's only a few words! Also thank you to everyone who has said hello on Twitter! Let me know who you are on there so I can follow you back! Mine is hauntedtwilight **


	11. Poker Face - Part One

**Authors note: oh my god you guys! You were SO awesome reviewing the last chapter I was seriously touched. To know you guys feel as strongly about these characters and their feelings as I do is amazing. It's so great that you're following this and seeing it as canon too because that's my absolute hope and dream for this story. This next chapter was getting too long and so it's going to be split into two parts. I also want to get Alison's POV into the next chapter too because I know you guys like to hear her thoughts so I've decided to make this a two parter. Otherwise you guys would have had to have waited longer for an update so I didn't think you'd mind too much. Things are heating up for Emily. Here is Poker Face – Part One. Please tell me your thoughts :) love you all**

The thing about an honest face is…it's usually attached to a liar. Every day, you go through life accepting the face that people show you, never really knowing if what you're seeing is true. You can never _really_ know a person. Not really. But then again, does anyone ever really know _you?_

Present day

Emily Fields was having the perfect morning. She was up early, she was ready for school, and she was eating one of her favourite things ever; a croissant. She had been dating her boyfriend Ben for almost four weeks now, and she was exceptionally proud of herself. Every morning, before she left for school, she would look in the mirror and see her reflection. She would look herself up and down, and in a happy voice she would say "you're normal." She would then smile at herself, and count all the ways in which she was the same as everyone else, in her head.

_Friends. Got them. Hobby, got it: Swimming! Yay! Boyfriend? YEP! Normal! Normal, normal! _Things were finally falling into place for her.

She was in the process of this daily ritual when the sound of someone banging on the bathroom door interrupted her.

"Yeah?" She called.

Her mothers serious voice sounded out from behind the door. "Emmy, can you come downstairs, I need to talk to you about something."

_Oh my god, Dad. Is he okay? _She thought, suddenly worried. Her father was in the army and was always working away. One of her main worries in life was that something would happen to him one day. She worried he'd be injured, or worse, killed. The thought kept her up at night, sometimes.

"Is it Dad?" She called. "Is he okay?"

"No he's fine honey, don't worry. It's nothing to do with your father, I just need to talk to you about something." Her mom answered.

_Hmm that's strange. I wonder what she wants. _Emily thought. She hadn't done anything _wrong_ so it couldn't be that bad. _At least dad's fine._

She finished getting her things together and went downstairs to find her mother. Her mom was stood at the kitchen table, one arm on the back of a chair. She looked up as Emily entered the room.

"Hey, sweetie. Can you sit down, we need to have a talk."

_A talk? This can't be good._

"Okay…mom, what is it? You're starting to freak me out. Are you sure dad's okay?" Emily asked cautiously. She sat down on her kitchen chair. She frowned up at her mother.

"No, he's fine honey, really. It's not that…it's…" For once in her life Pam Fields was lost for words. She took a deep breath. She fidgeted a little with her hands, taking a couple of steps away from the table, before turning around again and sitting down, opposite her daughter.

"Alright." She started. "Emily, this isn't going to be fun for me either so let's just get it out of the way quickly." She said, rushing her words.

Emily didn't say anything, she just looked at her mother with a blank expression. She was totally confused.

"I know you're having sex." Pam blurted out suddenly.

_What the fuck._

Emily was shocked. This was the last thing she expected her mother to say. Not only was she _not_ having sex, but she also didn't have a clue as to why her mother would think she was.

Emily went to say something, but her mother held up a hand to silence her.

"Emily, I know you're having sex. And I want you to start taking birth control. I don't want any arguments." She said sternly.

"Mom…" Emily started. "I'm not…having sex, I _swear._" She blushed in embarrassment.

Emily thought this was just about the most awkward conversation she had ever had in her entire life. She wanted the floor to open up and swallow her.

Emily's mom pulled something out of her pocket and slid it across to the table towards Emily. The brunette looked down at it, surprised. _A condom? She's giving me a condom? What the hell! Where is this coming from!_

"Mom, what…?" Emily started to speak but her mother cut her off.

"I found this down the side of the couch while I was cleaning. Do _not _tell me it isn't yours. I want to know where it came from and _why_ it was stuffed down the side of my couch cushions. Don't you try and tell me it's _mine_, either! You know perfectly well that your dad isn't here so I want the truth, Emily. Now."

_Oh my God this is not happening to me. This is not happening. This cannot be happening. _

"I swear, mom…it's not mine. I _promise._" She said sincerely. Her mother wouldn't meet her eye.

"I know you and Ben really like each other, and he's a _nice_ boy, Emily. I like him, you know I do. But I am _not_ happy about this. You've only known each other for a month! How can you be so irresponsible!" Her mother chided angrily.

"Mom, it's not mine. We aren't having sex. I don't know how it got there, I _swear." _Emily protested.

"Then how do you explain it appearing _magically_ inside my couch? Did it walk there on it's own? Don't lie to me, Emily! I won't have you lying!"

"I'm _NOT_ LYING!" Emily shouted, banging her hand on the table.

"Yes you are! Emily, if you're having sex with that boy then you're in a _lot_ of trouble! I raised you better than this. I do not want my daughter getting pregnant while she's still at school! I can't believe you would be so stupid!"

Emily breathed out a frustrated sigh, and tried not to shout. She couldn't believe she was about to say this to her mother, but she had no other choice.

"Mom…" She started. "I'm…a virgin. Okay. I'm not having sex. I've not…ever. I'm still a virgin." Emily blushed harder than before, and cringed. _That was the single most embarrassing moment I have ever had. Ever. Floor…you can start opening up any time you're ready. Tick tock._

Emily's mother considered this statement for a second.

"Okay. Fine. You've always been an honest girl, so I'm not going to disbelieve you now. Even though I find it _extremely_ strange that this should be in my house." She gestured towards the small blue packet.

Emily's mind struggled to think of an excuse that she could use quickly.

"You know…" She started. "I had the girls over last week. They were helping me with the posters for the swim tryout. We were all sitting on the sofa, it probably fell out of one of their bags…or something."

"Oh?" Her mom questioned.

_Yes! Please believe me. _Emily thought.

"Well who does it belong to? Are any of them having sex?" Pam asked.

"Mom! I can't tell you that! That's their business. It could have been any one of theirs so I really don't know!" Emily exclaimed.

_There, now she can't blame anyone._

"Well when it ends up on my couch it becomes _my_ business, Emily. I have half a mind to call every one of their parents!" She said, annoyed.

_Shit, it backfired! Think fast! _

"No! Mom you can't do that! It only belongs to one person, it's not fair to get everyone else in trouble. I'll talk to them about it. I promise. Besides, at least you know they're being careful." She added meekly.

_Please just accept this so that I can leave. Please oh please let this conversation be over. _She thought.

Pam looked down and frowned. She took a deep breath. "Alright, Emily." She said.

Emily let out a huge sigh of relief.

Her mom looked at her with a glare only a mother could give. "But I better not find out this is yours. This is the last time I want to be having this conversation. Trust me." She said.

_You and me both._

"Got it." Emily said.

She hurriedly stood up from the table. Emily couldn't leave the house quick enough. She was in such a rush to get away from her mother that she almost forgot to put her shoes on.

She rushed outside and stood at the end of her garden path, waiting for her ride to school. As she stood in the morning sunshine, she felt a terrible sense of guilt creep through her. Her mother had believed her because she thought she was an honest type of person. In this instance, however, that wasn't the case. Emily _had_ lied. She knew _exactly_ where the little blue packet had come from, and how it had come to be there. Emily remembered back to the weekend before.

The previous Saturday

It was a warm Saturday evening, and Emily was home alone. Her mother had decided to meet up with an old friend for the night and was currently out to dinner. She has asked if Emily wanted to come along, but being seen out with your mother on a Saturday night instead of with your friends seemed a little desperate to Emily.

Not that she didn't like her mother, she did, but now that she had a boyfriend, she was starting to spend more time focusing on other things. Her mother had wanted her to get out more. She was always the shy, quiet type who would stay in on the weekend. Just lately, though, she had started to spend a lot more time with her boyfriend, Ben.

Emily couldn't quite pinpoint exactly when they had become an official couple. She had just spent more and more time with Ben until it was just _common knowledge_ that they were an item. Before she knew it, she was calling him her boyfriend to her friends, and that was that. It had all been easy. Up till then, at least.

They had been out together no end of times. Ben was kind, and he made her laugh. He _always_ opened doors for her, and he drove her home from school, every single day. They had spent a great deal of time in each other's company and Emily felt it oddly comfortable. She wasn't used to being around a person for so long and not getting sick of them. She felt normal, and she felt safe. For the first time in her life she didn't feel judged by anyone. She could blend in, like a chameleon, and nobody would take any notice of her. Having a boyfriend was a relief. It just made everything _easier._

She listened to Ben's car pull up outside her house, his loud music booming. She heard his car door slam and waited for him to ring her doorbell. Well…she almost waited. She was at the door and opening it just as his finger was about to press the button.

His beaming smile met her at the door. "Ben." She said.

"Miss Fields." He took a bow.

Emily opened the door to let him into her warm house. He took off his shoes and jacket. They had planned to sit in and watch a movie, but Emily couldn't help but notice that Ben was a little dressed up.

"You look nice." She said, eyeing his fancy white shirt and jeans. She also noticed he was wearing aftershave, which he didn't often do unless they went out. "What's the occasion?" She asked.

"Oh, nothing." He said casually. "Just wanna look good for my girl." He said, eyeing her up and down.

Emily smiled up at him.

"Is that okay?" He added, smirking.

"Yes! It's okay." Emily laughed. She stood and stared at him for a second before he leaned down, cupping her face with his hand.

Ben pulled Emily in for a kiss, his tongue snaking out to caress hers. Emily had been getting quite a lot of practice at kissing, lately. Ben liked to kiss, _a lot._ She was practically an expert at it by now.

Emily pulled back first, breathless. "So, movie? Don't worry, I didn't just get chick flicks." She laughed.

"Sure! Your mom's not coming back for a while? Right?" Ben said, a slight glint of mischief in his eyes.

"No, she's out all night. She's with her friend Sarah, and boy, Sarah can _drink. _I wouldn't be surprised if they're out till, like, sunrise." Emily chuckled.

Ben's voice lowered seductively. "Good. I like having you all to myself." He winked at her.

Emily was instantly reminded of Alison, and the way she would wink at her, and she had to push the thought away, fast, before it hurt her. She felt guilty every time she would have these thoughts. She was with Ben now, she should be over this crush with Ali. At least, that's what she kept telling herself.

"Me too." Emily said, a little less enthusiastic about it than she had been before.

_God I need to stop this. You need to forget about her. Just forget, things are finally going well. You're finally normal. Don't ruin it._

Emily walked back up to Ben, and kissed him again with added passion. She pulled his face down to hers and he walked them backwards until the back of her knees hit the front of the couch. She felt it behind her and instinctively sat down, breaking her contact with Ben's lips.

"Where do you think you're going?" Ben said playfully, tilting his head.

"The couch. What's it look like?" Emily said flirtatiously. She gave Ben a small smile and scooted backwards to the corner of the couch.

Emily curled her knees underneath her body, making herself comfortable. She watched as Ben picked up the films she had bought and inspected them.

He looked at the front of each film, placing them one behind the other as he read out the titles."Hmm Fast and furious…The Deep…The talented Mr Ripley." He smiled at Emily.

"Someone likes their retro." He laughed.

Emily smiled. "Hey! The deep is about swimming! And sharks! _Hello…_sharks swim team!" She giggled.

"Aright, alright...I get the shark obsession." He laughed. "Just don't turn up to Noel's Halloween party dressed as a Great White."

"I was thinking more…Indian attire." Emily said. "You know…Pocahontas." Emily smiled.

Ben raised his eyebrows in approval. "Or…you _could_ go as a sexy cop. I wouldn't mind being handcuffed to you all night." He said, grinning.

Emily blushed. She nervously tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

Ben sat down on the couch next to her. He sat sideways, resting one arm on the back of the couch and looked at her slyly.

"What are you looking at?" Emily asked playfully.

Ben's eyes dragged up and down her body. Emily felt a little nervous suddenly.

"Oh nothing…just you. You're so beautiful, you know that?" He stated, flashing her a grin.

Emily blushed. It still made her self conscious to be given compliments. She shook her head shyly and looked down, smiling.

"Don't shake your head, you _are._" He said, sliding closer to her.

Emily shifted away slightly, his proximity making her nervous. She looked down again. Ben's hand came up to touch her chin, pulling her head up to look him in the eyes. He smiled at her and leaned in for a kiss. Emily kissed him back tentatively and felt his hand twist round to tangle in her hair. He deepened the kiss, sliding his tongue inside her mouth. He kissed her like that for a minute or so, slowly, before moving his lips to her jawline, kissing his way along it and down towards her neck. Emily tilted her head to the side slightly, allowing him access. Her eyes closed as he kissed his way down to her collarbone.

_This feels nice. I like kissing. I like the way it feels when someone wants me like this. It feels good._ Emily thought. In the back of her mind, though, Alison's face still lingered.

Ben leaned forward a little, pushing Emily back against the couch cushions. He kissed his way back up her neck to her mouth. He was practically lying on top of her now as their kissing became faster, and more heated. He was kissing her quicker now, his mouth moving against hers, hard. She kissed back, but she was starting to feel overwhelmed. She broke away breathlessly. She could feel Ben's heavy weight on top of her, and she panted hard. His lips were only a whisper away from her own.

"Ben…" She started. "We should watch the movie." She said, in between breaths. She could feel his weight pressing down her her, his body lying flush against hers.

_This is getting too much, I wanna get up now._

_"_Whats the rush? You sure you wouldn't rather get _deep_ with the talented Mr Coogan? I can be fast and furious too, you know." He smiled, leaning back down to kiss her again before she could answer.

_Oh my god he did not just say that, was that supposed to be sexy! That's terrible. Kinda funny though…_Emily thought.

She broke away from his kiss, laughing.

He raised his head slightly to give her a quizzical look. "What's so funny?"

"You." She said in between giggles. "You seriously did not just say that."

"Hey!" He exclaimed. "You think it's funny, huh?" He leaned down again, kissing her chastely on the mouth. He pulled back again to whisper in her ear. "I'll show you funny."

His hand moved to grip her thigh as he kissed her again, hard. Emily was slightly shocked by the ferocity of it, and her body jolted a bit. Ben seemed to mistake this for encouragement and grunted into Emily's mouth, pulling her thigh up and around his body. He settled himself in between her legs.

_This is going too far. I don't want to do this, this is getting too much. _Emily thought, panicking. She could tell what was going to happen if she let this continue. She could _feel_ Ben between her legs. He was hard, and she was shocked. She'd never felt anything like that before, and strangely, she didn't like it. It scared her, but at the same time it disinterested her. She just wasn't…into it.

_This is what normal people do, Emily. _She told herself. _Normal people have sex. You'll have to do it at some point, why not now?_

As she felt Ben press into her again, she answered her own question. _Because you don't want to. You don't want to have sex with Ben. The kissing is nice, but you're not feeling anything. What is wrong with you. He's going to think you're weird._

Ben kissed Emily hungrily, his lips moving again to her neck as he held her thigh around his body, pushing into her slightly through her clothes. She felt him between her legs again, this time pushing harder.

He moved his hand to the bottom of her shirt, and looked Emily right in the eyes. He grinned, breathing hard.

Emily watched him, breathless, and unsure what to say. She wanted to tell him to stop, but she didn't at the same time. _This is what normal people do. You have to do it._ She told herself.

Ben lowered his head to Emily's neck again, kissing her there lightly as his fingertips danced along the skin just under the bottom of her tank top.

Emily was instantly reminded of the time she had lain in bed with Alison in Spencer's barn. She had felt an instant fire as soon as Ali had touched her on her lower stomach. The blondes fingers had danced a light path across her waistline and her stomach had jumped at the lightest of touches. Having Ben's rough hand there wasn't the same. She almost felt like it was territory that had already been claimed. _You're being silly, stop. Just go with it. You can't do this, you can't think of her while this is happening._

As Ben kissed Emily's neck, her eyes stared up at the ceiling. The kissing had felt okay at first, but as it now took on a whole new dimension of intensity, she couldn't bring herself to enjoy it. It just felt…wrong. Part of her had known that this would happen. She had tried and tried to feel sexually attracted to Ben, but even though there was _something _there, it just wasn't enough.

Ben's hand slid higher up her stomach underneath her tank top, his fingers creeping closer to the underside of her bra. Emily's breathing increased dramatically. Ben groaned. His hand moved up slightly as if to move under the lacy material, but Emily just couldn't let him do it.

"Ben." She said flatly.

Ben never stopped kissing her neck as he murmured. "Yeah?"

"Can you get off, for a sec." She said in a panicked voice.

"I'm about to get _you_ off, Emily." He said huskily, his lips moving to her collarbone.

Emily pushed upwards a little bit. She moved her hand to grab his arm which was underneath her shirt. "No, Ben can you stop. I wanna stop."

Ben finally stopped kissing Emily's neck and looked up at her with a confused expression on his face. "What, why?" He said.

_Because I said so, that's why._ Emily thought. She was suddenly wanting to be _anywhere_ else other than underneath Ben.

"Because…" She started, but didn't know how to finish. Ben slid his hand out from under her top and lifted himself off her slightly.

"Because my mom could be home any second and I don't think I want her to walk in on you on top of me on the couch." Emily continued, finding a weak excuse.

"Let's go upstairs, then." Ben smirked, taking Emily's hand.

"No…Ben I…I just…I don't feel like it, tonight. I'm not…I'm not ready." Emily stuttered. "I'm not ready to do this, yet."

Emily could see the disappointment as it covered Ben's face. He also looked a little irritated.

"Why? Is there something wrong with me." He asked, indicating to himself. "I mean…we've been dating a while now. All we've done is kiss…don't you think we should be, you know, taking it further?" He asked.

Emily was slightly taken aback. "Why? Who says? Can't we go at our own pace? It's been less than a month, Ben."

He looked annoyed again. Emily was starting to feel a little irritated, too. They hadn't been dating _that _long.

Emily realised that this was going to be their first argument. _And it's about sex. Great! Typical..._

"Yeah, I know. But I really like you. I thought you liked me, too?" He questioned.

_I do like you. Please don't think I don't. Oh my god if he breaks up with me what will I do. He can't break up with me over this._

"I do!" She said enthusiastically. Ben lifted himself completely off Emily and sat back against the couch, an annoyed expression on his face. Emily sat up to face him.

"Doesn't feel like it." He said flatly.

_Oh god, this can't happen. He's my boyfriend. I need him to be my boyfriend. Stop being so silly, Emily. What did you think, you could go on kissing him for the rest of your life and he wouldn't get bored? He's a guy, they like sex. He's going to think you're weird if you don't want it. _

That was the problem, though. Emily _had_ been thinking about sex. She'd been thinking about it a _lot_ lately. It just wasn't with Ben.

"Ben I _do_ like you. I like you a lot." She said sincerely.

"Then why won't you let me touch you? The guys at school keep asking me if we've done it yet. I keep telling them no. They're gonna start laughing at me." Ben said petulantly.

_Wait, this is what this is about? What his friends think? _

"I _do _let you touch me." Emily said defensively.

Ben made a laughing noise in his throat.

_Oh god, I have to do something. I have to give him something. It doesn't have to be much, just don't lose him. If I lose him I'll lose everything. I won't be normal, anymore. Just do it, stop being afraid. You can do this._

Emily didn't want to, but she did the only thing she could think of in her panicked state of mind. She was so afraid of what would happen if she lost Ben. She looked straight into Ben's eyes, and put on her most determined expression. She reached out to grab his hand and as quickly as she could, she brought it under her shirt. She watched Ben's startled expression as she settled his hand over her breast, on top of her bra. Before he could say anything, she leaned over and kissed him, hard, sliding her tongue into his mouth. Ben let out a loud groan and squeezed her breast slightly, kissing her back vigorously. Emily pulled away, holding his hand against her breast still. She leaned her forehead against his, breathing hard. "Alright? Good?" She said in between breaths. _You got to touch my boob…be satisfied. Please be satisfied._

Ben swallowed thickly. His breathing was intense. "ye…yeah. Alright…" He stammered.

_Good. Okay. It's alright, everything's fine._

"You know, if I go back to school and I tell my friends I spent all night here with you, alone, and nothing happened…they're gonna think there's something wrong with me. They're gonna start saying I can't get it up or something." Ben said.

_It's not you that's broken, it's me. My brain is broken._ Emily thought.

"Well…that's not true." Emily answered. Her eyes flickered down to the bulge in Ben's jeans and then back up to his face. _It's definitely not true._

"I know, but that's what everyone's going to _say." _Ben whined.

_Oh for fuck sake, you got to touch my boob! Why aren't you satisfied! _Emily thought, irritated.

Suddenly, Emily had an idea. If Ben was pushing all this because of what his _friends_ would think, then why not let them think it? _Would it really be so bad if everyone thinks you've had sex? Alright, it's quite early…but everyone can see how much you like each other. And it's a normal thing, it'll make things easier. You'll blend in. Nobody will wonder why you aren't doing it, because everyone will already think you have. Why not just…lie?_

Ben frowned at Emily. "What are you thinking?" He said.

Emily was suddenly aware that Ben's hand was still on her breast, and it was a little awkward now that they were just talking. She disentangled herself from him and stood up. She paced in front of the couch. Ben sat and looked up at her with a confused expression on his face.

_"_Well…" Emily started. "If they want to think that…then just..._let them." _She said in a matter-of-fact tone. She shrugged.

_Just let them. Anything to stall this._

Emily knew she shouldn't be wanting to stall things with her boyfriend. She should _want_ to be all over him. She _should_. But she didn't.

"Seriously?" Ben looked relieved. His eyebrows raised in surprise. "I can tell them we have? You'd be okay with that?" He asked.

"Sure…" Emily trailed off. "You can tell them we have. If it makes things easier for you."

_You shouldn't have to tell them anything. You weren't supposed to agree, Ben._

Ben jumped up off the couch and bounced on his toes in front of Emily, a happy expression on his face. He grinned. "You're the best babe, thanks." He pecked her once on the lips.

"You got any snacks?" He asked. "I could eat a horse."

_"_Yeah, sure, in the kitchen." Emily said, pointing vaguely towards the other room.

Ben grinned, and hurriedly bounced out of the room, their conversation now obviously forgotten. Emily stood alone in the middle of the living room.

_Well…that was that. _She thought.

Present Day

Emily thought back to her encounter with Ben, and sighed. Nothing else had happened that night, they had just sat and watched the movies. Things between them had been okay since, but Emily wasn't entirely happy about the whole exchange. She would stand in the mirror every day and count all the reasons she could think of to _prove_ that she was normal, but she just couldn't shake the thought that something was very, very wrong.

It didn't help that she _still_ couldn't keep her mind off of Alison. She had _tried_ to keep away from her. She had _tried _not to touch her, but the more time passed, the harder it was getting to think of anything else.

She knew she should be concentrating on Ben. He was a nice guy, a little pushy, but nice. She shouldn't be having these thoughts while she was dating him, she knew that. But she just couldn't _help _the way she felt.

The first time she had seen Alison again after their kiss was at Spencer's study date. Admittedly, not much studying had been done, which was mainly down to Hanna; but she had seen her just the same. Emily had seen a _lot_ of Ali that night. She couldn't help herself check out the blondes legs. She had been wearing the shortest Jean shorts in existence, and Emily could see all the way up to the top of her thigh. _How am I not supposed to be distracted by that? How was I not supposed to look. _She thought.

Alison had hurt her foot and Emily had helped put ice on it to cool the swelling. Ali seemed different that night. She seemed more flirtatious than usual. Emily wasn't sure if she was just imagining it because she hadn't seen her in a while, but Alison definitely seemed like she wanted to be around her more. Emily couldn't help but be pleased. _Maybe that kiss did mean something, after all. _

She had decided she would be brave, for once. As Ali had put her foot against Emily's leg, Emily just couldn't hold it back anymore. She _had _to try. She had read something in Cosmo about pressure points…something about erogenous zones. She didn't quite know what they were, exactly, but she had read that if you put _just _the right pressure on the arch of someone's foot, they'd feel it _all_ through their body.

Alison's reaction didn't disappoint. Emily could physically _see _her become affected by it. Emily was so shocked that it had actually worked. She was also a little worried. _What if I'm just reading the signs wrong? Was that a sign? _She had asked herself. She had gone to try again, but Spencer had interrupted them by smashing a vase. She had tried to tell herself that it wasn't _her_ that had caused the gasp that had escaped Ali's mouth when she touched her foot. She tried to tell herself it was just physics; that anyone would have reacted to a touch like that. But deep down…she couldn't help but hope it was her. She _wanted_ it to be her that had done that to Ali. _And I shouldn't want that. I should want to be normal._

Ali's proximity had haunted Emily that night. Emily just couldn't keep her eyes away. Every now and again she would look over at Alison secretly, to watch her beautiful face. She wanted to say something so many times, but she just couldn't bring herself to do it. She was terrified of what Alison's reaction would be.

When the girls had asked about her kiss with Ben, Emily didn't want to talk about it. She loathed to bring it up in front of Ali. She just felt like a total liar. The worst part was…Ali _knew_ she was a liar. She would have to sit there and describe her kiss in immaculate detail to the girls, when really, all she wanted to do was tell Ali how perfect their own kiss was. Alison had stopped her from saying it at the kissing rock. She had placed her hand over Emily's lips before she could speak. Emily knew she'd seen her kiss Ben, too. _Wonderful timing, that was._ She thought.

So, when Ali turned to her and asked how her _first kiss_ was, Emily just _had _to let her know. She knew none of the other girls would understand Alison's innuendo, so she just turned to the blonde, and as honestly and sincerely has she could…she told her it was perfect.

She had tried not to follow her up the stairs when the Ali went to watch the movie. She had really, really tried. She was quite proud of herself at actually staying in her seat when Alison left the room. It was short lived, though, as she could _feel_ Alison's presence watching her from the doorway. She could feel the blondes eyes enticing her to get up. And, like a magnet, she was pulled from the room.

She had followed Alison up the stairs. Ali seemed to walk slowly, and with purpose. Emily could see just _how _short her shorts were from this angle, and she couldn't take her eyes off of Alison's backside the entire way up the stairs. _Her body…her body is amazing. Stop! Stop looking! _She had thought, but she couldn't look away.

Of course, Hanna wasn't watching the movie, she was watching MTV. Emily didn't mind though, she liked Lady Gaga a _lot_, so watching the documentary really wasn't a big deal. She could study for the test any time. As a matter of fact, they never ended up having the test anyway. Their teacher had postponed it for another few weeks so the whole study date was pointless, anyway.

Ali had lain down on the bed with Emily, their bodies so close together that Emily could feel the heat from Alison's naked thigh against her own leg. The proximity was intoxicating. Then, Alison had quietly touched her face, sending shivers down Emily's spine. Ali seemed so warm, that night, so inviting. It was a side to the blonde that Emily seldom ever saw, but when she did, she was enthralled by it.

She had played with Emily's hair, and that was what undid her. If Emily thought that _she _had learned about erogenous zones, then Alison was playing an _entirely _different ball game. When Ali ran her fingers through Emily's hair, scratching slightly at the nape of her neck, and trailing her fingers across her skin, Emily didn't think she had ever felt something so erotic in her whole entire life. Her whole body had shuddered, the most delicious feeling running through her like electricity.

All too soon, it was over. The whole night had been confusing, and intense. She was sure she had seen a different side to Alison that night, a much more flirtatious side. But she couldn't be sure. She could never be _sure _with Alison. _I felt her the entire night. I felt her presence all around me. She's everywhere. I can't get away from this. I just have to lie. Just lie. Pretend this doesn't exist, and maybe, it'll get easier. _Emily thought doubtfully.

Emily looked down the street as her boyfriend Ben pulled up to her house in his car to pick her up. She opened the door and clambered into the front seat. Ben leaned over and pecked her a couple of times on the lips chastely.

"Hey babe." He said casually. "You looked miles away standing there." He chuckled. "What were you thinking about?"

"Oh, nothing. Just about this party." Emily lied. I think I'm definitely going to go with Pocahontas.".

Ben shook his head. "Hey! What happened to the sexy cop?" He asked, pouting.

"In your dreams!" Emily exclaimed, poking him on the arm playfully.

Ben laughed and drove them to school. The entire way there they discussed Noel's party. Emily was glad to have something to take her mind off of the mornings conversation with her mother. She didn't want to bring it up with Ben, what would be the point? If she did then it would just remind him of it, and she wanted to keep his attention on anything other than sex. At least he was okay with waiting, though. _At least there's that. _Emily thought.

The school cafeteria, later that day

Emily had had a pretty easy day, and she sat in the school cafeteria at lunch, eating with Her friend Aria. They had been discussing Noel's party all day, it seemed like the whole school was, actually. Emily was beginning to get pretty excited for it, too. She hadn't been to a party in a while, and she absolutely _loved _holidays.

She was in the middle of telling Aria about the costume she was planning to buy, when her friend Hanna Marin sat down opposite them.

"Em, you need to go talk to Ben." Hanna said abruptly. She pointed across the room as she spoke.

Aria looked over at the table across the room, where Ben and his friends sat huddled over, laughing. Emily followed her gaze. She turned to Hanna, a confused expression on her face.

Emily leaned across the table slightly. "What's going on?" She asked.

Hanna looked annoyed. "He's been telling all of his guy friends that you guys had _sex_ last weekend!" She screwed up her face in a disbelieving, irritated expression.

_Oh shit. Oh shit, here we go. _Emily thought.

Aria looked over at Ben furiously. "What?" She said.

Emily looked too, a knowing expression on her face.

Emily hesitated, not knowing what to say.

Aria jumped in, first. "Em, I will go over there with you! Let's shut this thing down right _now!" _She exclaimed dramatically. Aria went to stand up quickly, insistent on defending her friend.

_No, no no no. Fuck. _Emily thought.

She grabbed Aria's hand as the small girl got to her feet and quickly pulled her back down to her seat by the arm.

_Sit down, don't make a scene! Shh! _Emily thought, panicking.

Aria looked at Emily, a confused expression on her face. "Emily…" She said kindly. "You can't just _ignore _this."

Emily stayed quiet. She was annoyed that Ben had actually told his friends; but then again, she had told him it was okay, so what _could _she say, really?

Emily caught Hanna's eye. She tried to give her a look that indicated it was true.

_Just let them think it's true. This is what you wanted to happen. You caused this, now deal with it. _

Hanna caught on quickly. She gave Emily a scandalous look, her mouth twitching into a surprised smile. "Em?..." She said, and Emily knew instantly that she believed the lie.

Emily stared at Hanna, not responding. She couldn't out right lie to her friends, it was too hard. But it seemed her silence was doing all the talking for her..

Aria grabbed Emily's arm. She finally caught up. "Oh my god!" She stared at Emily with disbelief.

_What? Why is everyone so shocked. Is it so weird that I'd have sex? _She thought.

"Is it true?" Aria asked, in a voice that said she already believed it was.

Hanna looked from Aria to Emily excitedly. She looked as if she'd just found out the biggest secret on the planet. "Wait, why didn't you tell us!" She exclaimed excitedly, the grin on her face getting bigger.

Suddenly, Alison strolled over. She sauntered across the room and sat down in the chair across from Emily.

_Oh great, perfect timing, this really couldn't get any worse. _

"Tell us _what?" _Ali asked in an intrigued voice, obviously knowing there was a secret she couldn't miss.

Three pairs of eyes watched Emily, expectantly.

Before Emily could answer, one of the girls from their class, Mona Vanderwaal, appeared abruptly at the edge of their table, holding a tray full of food.

"Hi you guys!" She said brightly.

Before anybody had a chance to respond, Alison spoke first.

"If you ignore it…it will _go away."_ She said in a bored, bitchy voice to the other girls. She never even looked up at Mona as she spoke. Mona walked quickly away from the table before any of the other girls could respond. Emily felt bad for Mona, and vowed to speak to Ali about it later. She didn't like it when Alison was mean to people like that. She had to deal with this Ben situation first, though.

Emily decided to speak, finally. She didn't want to tell Alison about what Ben was saying, it was all very awkward, but the cat was already out of the bag now, anyway. If she didn't find out from Emily, she'd find out from someone else. _ Ben's probably told the whole world by now, anyway. _Emily thought.

She looked at Alison. "Ben's telling everyone we had sex."

Before Ali could respond, Spencer appeared at the side of the table next to Ali, and sat down. She had obviously heard what Emily had just said and she exclaimed "what!?" In a surprised voice as she took her seat.

_Great, now everyone's here, wonderful._

Alison looked really annoyed. She rested her head in her hand and scowled at Emily. "And he's still breathing _because…?" _She asked.

_She's the only one that didn't believe me straight away. _Emily thought.

Aria spoke for Emily. "It's…true." She said in a small voice.

Hanna turned her head dramatically towards Spencer and Alison, her voice full of scandal. "I can't believe Emily lost her V before any one of us did!" She rolled her eyes in Emily's direction as she spoke. Hanna sat back in her chair.

_Why? What's wrong with me? Why wouldn't people think I'd be first?_ Emily thought, annoyed.

"Why is that so hard to believe?" She asked Hanna. She was slightly annoyed now.

Alison watched Emily from across the table with a scrutinising expression. She still had her head in her hand, as if she was thinking about something. She had an expression on her face that Emily couldn't read. One minute she looked annoyed, and the next she looked the way someone would look when they were listening to a story they knew wasn't true. _I'm just being paranoid_. Emily thought. But she distinctly noticed a small smirk on Ali's face.

"I didn't mean anything by it…I just thought you were a prude!" Hanna said in a matter of fact tone. She shrugged, as if her comment wasn't even remotely offensive.

Emily knew she didn't really mean it that way, but still, was that really what people thought of her? That she was a prude? She hadn't realised just how she she really must come across until that moment. _You are shy, you've always been shy. No wonder they think that. It's true._

Alison suddenly opened her mouth to speak. She rested her head against her hand, still looking like she was figuring something out. She gave Emily a very flirtatious look.

She looked right into Emily's eyes in a kittenish way. "Shy on the streets…_sexy_ in the sheets." She smirked, her eyebrows raising. She looked almost proud of her. She gave Emily a wide, sexy grin.

Emily smiled back, unable to hide her own grin. She liked the way Ali was talking to her. She found it sexy. She tried not to show that in front of the other girls, though.

Ali continued to keep eye contact with Emily. "I knew there was something different about you." She said, still looking like the happiest person in the world.

_She's not mad. She's not mad at all. _Emily thought. _She thinks I'm sexy in the sheets. Why do I find that so…hot. _Emily thought.

Emily couldn't hide her grin, and her eyes dropped to the table. She was suddenly shy.

"Oh well...congratulations, Emily." Aria said, smiling.

"Hanna leaned over the table slightly. "I want to hear details later, _details_!" She said, her eyes glaring.

Emily smiled in response. _Great now I have to make up imaginary details. _She thought.

They began to eat their lunches, and Emily was grateful for the silence. She was happy the conversation had come to an end. It made her uncomfortable to lie, especially in front of Ali. She always felt like Ali _knew_ when she was making something up.

She felt something under the table, suddenly. Someone's foot was rubbing against hers. Her heart jolted in her chest. _Is that Ali? Is that deliberate?_

She felt the foot brush her own again, slightly more obviously, this time. She knew that that time, it wasn't a mistake. She moved her own foot back against the persons leg. _I seriously hope this is Ali, and not Spencer. _She thought, looking up at her friends.

Spencer was eating her food quietly, occasionally glancing down at a note pad she had out next to her plate. _Well it's obviously not her, why would it be?_

She looked at Alison next. She was fiddling with her phone, close to her face. Emily felt the foot brush hers again, slightly higher this time. Alison smirked slightly. Emily wasn't sure if she was smirking at her phone, or at her.

Emily felt the foot stop moving, it was suddenly gone. She cleared her throat nervously. She decided to just ignore it, and eat her food quietly. However...she quickly found that she wasn't that hungry anymore.

_Things are getting very, very complicated. _Emily thought.

The Next Morning, before school.

The next morning, Emily left her house in a hurry. She was still avoiding her mother. She still couldn't look her in the eye, it was still all too uncomfortable. . She couldn't believe her mom had found the condom. She didn't even know Ben _had_ a condom on him that night. It must have fallen out of his pocket while he was lying on top of her. Every time she thought about her mom finding it, she cringed. She had managed to keep herself out of trouble by lying, but only barely.

The rumours were now all over the school about her and Ben. He'd told his friends in the locker room and now _everyone _knew about it. The last thing she wanted to happen was for her mom to hear about it. She'd never be allowed to leave the house again.

_He was obviously expecting to have sex with you. He had the condom in his pocket, ready to go. _Emily thought. She was slightly irritated by the whole situation. She couldn't say anything though because she had told Ben it was okay to tell everyone. _I caused this. _She thought.

She hadn't spoken to Ben much since the morning before. Not since he had told everyone. She just didn't want to speak to him, yet. He had text her and asked her if she wanted a ride to school but she had text back and told him she was walking with Ali. She waited at the end of her street for the blonde to show up.

She didn't have to wait long. Alison appeared on the other side of the road, and came strolling up beside her. She smiled at Emily, and Emily smiled back. Ail didn't say anything, she just fell into stride quietly beside the brunette. _Strange…she's usually much chattier. _Emily thought.

They walked in silence for a few seconds before Ali turned to Emily with an amused look on her face.

"I know a doctor if you wanna go on the pill." Ali blurted out. She stared at Emily, as if she was searching for something. "He'll see you without telling your mom." She added, still looking at the brunette.

_I can't do this. I can't lie to her. She's looking right through me. If she doesn't already know I'm lying she'll figure it out. I can't look her in the eye. Why is that!_

Emily smiled slightly, and looked down. _It's only Ali. You can tell Ali. _She thought. Part of her _wanted _to tell Alison it wasn't true. She knew it was wrong, but she didn't want the blonde to think she'd had sex with Ben. That was very suddenly the _last_ thing she wanted Ali to think of her.

"I don't need to go on the pill." She admitted. She could feel Alison staring at her still as they walked. It went quiet, neither girl saying a word. Ali kept watching Emily, carefully.

"You can't be too careful, Emily. I mean 'Juno' was a cute movie but I wouldn't wanna live it." Ali said. Emily had the distinct feeling that Alison was playing with her. Alison watched her face carefully.

"It's not that…" Emily trailed off. She turned to face Ali as they walked. "I don't need to go on the pill because I'm not having sex." She admitted.

Alison made a grimace with her face. For a second, Emily wasn't so sure anymore if she knew she was lying. Her reaction seemed surprised.

"It was _that _bad?" Ali said, screwing up her face.

Emily laughed. "It didn't _happen_." She said, correcting the blonde.

"Ben and I made out, but…I didn't give it up." She said, her voice going slightly quiet.

"Then why is he telling people he took the VIP tour to Neverland?" Alison asked in a confused voice. She also sounded a little irritated.

Emily walked quietly for a second, still unable to meet Alison's eyes. "I don't know." She said quietly, her eyes glancing off to the side to admire the garden next to her. _You know why. You know exactly why. _She thought.

Alison shook her head slightly. She nudged Emily's elbow slightly with her arm. "What aren't you telling me?" She asked in a sweet voice.

Emily finally looked Ali in the eyes. She could see the blonde was confused, and a little sceptical. She could tell Alison knew there was something going on. It was almost as if Ali could see straight through her. For a second, she almost wanted to blurt it all out. _I want to tell you, but I can't. _Emily thought. _I really want to talk to you about all this._

Emily couldn't take Alison's look any more, and laughed to shrug off the blondes request for information. She wasn't ready to talk about it, yet.

Emily shook her head. "It's no big deal. Eventually we'll do it. So, people can think it now…or they can think it later." She said, looking away.

Emily noticed Alison's face drop as she spoke. The blonde looked disappointed. They walked in silence for a couple of seconds before Alison looked over at Emily, wistfully.

"I can't figure you out…" Ali said in a quiet voice. She tilted her head to look at Emily. She suddenly seemed very quiet, and unsure. Ali was rarely like this. She very rarely looked confused, or vulnerable. But she did now. This was one of the rare times she had seen Alison look genuinely at a loss. Her face had dropped, and she wasn't smiling any more.

Emily stopped walking and faced Ali, who also turned to face her. "Can we just…keep this between us." Emily asked in a hopeful voice.

_Just us, Ali…please._

"I don't wanna keep having this conversation." Emily said. She didn't mind talking about it with Ali, but she really wanted everyone else to forget about it.

Alison smiled suddenly, and reached up tenderly, putting her hand on Emily's arm. She dragged her hand down Emily's arm to her fingertips, and interlocked their hands. Emily's heart fluttered. Alison looked _so _beautiful in the sunshine, it was hard to focus.

"Sure." Ali said sincerely. She took Emily's hand and they walked arm in arm, all the way to school, as they often did in the mornings…when they were alone.

They had been walking for about ten minutes when Alison asked, out of the blue, "Are you scared, Em?" The blonde looked at her quizzically.

_I'm terrified. I'm terrified of everything, lately. _Emily wanted to say. She didn't, though.

"Scared of what?" She replied.

"Of sex. Of what it'll be like?" Ali answered flatly.

"I'm not scared…I just…." Emily mumbled. "I guess…maybe yeah. Maybe I am. I don't know. I'm just…not ready yet. I don't think I am." She admitted. She felt shy. It always made her blush to talk about this kind of thing with Ali.

"Well...do you know what to do?" Ali queried, flicking her hair back.

"Yeah…I mean, no. Not really. I mean I _know _how it works, obviously…" Emily said, stammering slightly.

The blonde laughed. "There's more to it that that, Em."

_How do you know. No, don't tell me…I don't wanna know._ Emily thought.

Emily tried to laugh, but it came out weak. "I'm sure there is." She said.

Alison didn't speak again, she just clutched Emily's hand a little tighter.

They walked in silence, Emily enjoying the feel of Ali's hand inside her own. She could feel Alison's fingers softly squeeze hers every now and again, affectionately. About half a block from the school, Alison turned to Emily again. She reached out with her other arm and grabbed Emily's other hand. Emily was slightly startled at the gesture. It was almost intimate, the way they were now standing. If anyone saw them, they'd have looked like two lovers, about to embrace.

Alison's eyes flared daringly. "You know…" She trailed off. "If you wanna learn, Emily…" Her voice changed to a flirtatious whisper. "You should come to my house, tomorrow night."

Emily was slightly taken aback. "Learn? Learn what?" She said, confused.

"_Things. _You'll see." Alison whispered. She winked at Emily, dropping their hands and sauntering off towards the school. Emily stood still, shocked. As she walked away from the brunette, Alison turned her head back to look at Emily, and gave her a wide smile. Quick as a flash, she turned her head around again, and walked off, inside the building.

Emily tried to tell herself not to be intrigued by the blondes invitation. But she was. She felt bad that she was even entertaining those kind of thoughts, but she just couldn't help herself. Outside, she was normal, but inside…inside she was feeling extraordinary emotions. She didn't have a clue what to do with them.

That's the thing about honest faces, you can never really tell what's going on behind the charade. Every smile, every twinkle, every twitch of the mouth, can be a lie. You can put on your best poker face, but you'll never know just who might be able to see straight through it.

**Authors Note: So! That was part one of poker face. Part two is coming up next! Hope you guys don't mind me splitting it this time I hope two parts won't bore you! I just realised it was going to be super long and would take longer to update if I didn't split it. I'm trying to update as fast as I can. **

**Obviously it's leading to the Halloween party etc but there is a lot more to show than just that! Hehe! So…I'd love to know what you guys think Alison is going to be teaching Emily? Anyone have any ideas? And are you guys still liking Ben? I have a feeling that might have changed lol. Thank you SO much for your reviews and the lovely things you have said. You guys are literally the only reason this story is happening because without your interest in it there would be no reason for it to exist! Please let me know what you think, you're helping me immensely to structure this story. I'm listening to everything you're saying. Love you all my Twitter is hauntedtwilight**


	12. Poker Face - Part Two

**Authors Note: you guys are AWESOME, like always! It's been so great getting to know you all! So glad your enjoying this! Yeah I thought some of you might dislike Ben a bit after that chapter but it's kinda necessary to the flashbacks! I hope you guys weren't too teased by Ali in those last couple of paragraphs! I had to split the chapter there or it would have taken a long time to update! Thank you so so much for reviewing, you're all helping to keep me going and send me in the right directions! Love you all! Here is poker face part 2**

The best games are always better played over a long period of time. You can really size up your opponent that way. You can learn their ways, their moves, their tells, and if you're careful, you can come out on top. If you show your cards _too_ soon though, you're done. You're finished. Game over.

Alison DiLaurentis had various games she liked to play with various people. Some games were just for fun, and others were for purposes only _she _had insight into. She _usually_ won the game. She was exceptionally good at playing people off against one another. She was _clever, _and she was conniving. She always had a talent for winning, no matter what the game was. Sometimes, she enjoyed playing more than she enjoyed the outcome. This time, however, the game had backfired.

To her annoyance, Alison's invisible pen was becoming low on ink…again.

_UGH! The universe is seriously FUCKING WITH MY HEAD. I am SO annoyed…again! Why is it that I just cannot stop fucking __caring.__ What has happened to me? I used to be SO good at not giving a fuck! Now all I seem to do is worry and care and HURT. Is this what growing up is? I can feel myself changing. A year ago, this never would have bothered me so much. It's all because of HER still! _

_Does she seriously think I am THAT STUPID! She might be all loved up with that IDIOT but Beyoncé has a better chance of walking into this room right now than she does of having sex with that fucking moron. I knew it as soon as she said it. There is NO WAY she had sex with him. There is NO. WAY. I don't care what that fucker told everyone. It. Didn't. __Happen. Emily wouldn't do it…she just wouldn't. _

_Alright…I suppose I can be honest here. It's __my __diary, after all. I was a __little__ worried. It was just for a __split second__ I SWEAR. I had this horrible, gut wrenching worry. As soon as she said it, I thought…fuck. He actually got to have her. She let him have her! HOW CAN YOU BE SO STUPID EMILY. And then I thought to myself, maybe she's NOT gay! _

_But then it went away. I came to my senses, and I remembered, I remembered who she is. I should trust myself better. Of COURSE she's gay! There is no __way __I was wrong about that. I saw her check me out as soon as I walked into the cafeteria for God sake! So I thought to myself, Ali, get a grip. GET. A. GRIP. There had to be __some__ reason why she was allowing that fucking dick brain to tell everyone he took her virginity. _

_The worst part was…it wasn't as if everyone was finding out she had just had sex with a random boyfriend. This was her virginity for fuck sake! Why doesn't she care more! Is she that much of a pushover that she's seriously going to let him tell everyone she's lost it when she hasn't! Apparently YES! I know I shouldn't, but in a week or so I'm going to start a rumour. I'm going to start a big FAT rumour that Ben can't get it up. Yes, I think that's what I'll do. _

_I am SO smart. I can totally tell when someone's lying, especially Emily. The others were clueless, of course. Especially Hanna! She's so desperate for a boyfriend she'll believe ANYONE had sex just to get the gossip! She needs to ask Sean out already, it's getting annoying how nosey she's becoming. She's ALWAYS asking Emily about Ben! I just wanna be like…hey, Hanna! How about you shut the fuck up! UGH! It's like it's Ben, Ben, Ben all the time! WHAT ABOUT ME! I'm here too! Can't we talk about me? I'm __way__ more interesting._

_If she had lost it though...to that oaf…I don't know what I'd have done. I think I might have screamed. Part of me wanted to when I first heard her say it. Even the words made me feel sick. PHYSICALLY SICK. Why do I keep getting like this about her? I know Emily is gay, but that's not what this is for me. I AM NOT GAY. It's just not possible. I like boys. It's just a weird crush thing. It's a weird crush thing that won't GO AWAY. I'm not in love with her or anything…it's not like that, I swear. I can't be. I refuse to even entertain that idea. _

_I watched her for a while at the table, and once I figured out it wasn't true —which was pretty quickly, I thought to myself…Ali, why don't you have a little fun. I touched her leg with my foot under the table. It was SO funny. She looked up and for a second I'm __sure__ she thought it was Spencer! HA! As if Spencer would ever do anything like that! She's more likely to play footsie with her little notebook than an actual human being. _

_I like touching her though. I liked when she touched me at the study date, too. UGH why! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING! I've resigned myself to the fact that if I can't make it go away, then I might just let myself enjoy it for a while. There's no harm in that, right?_

_I did something bad…I invited her over to my house. I know I probably should stop. I need to stop this. But I want more. Just a __little__ more. I know I said that last time, about the study date, but this time I mean it, I swear._

_I know I shouldn't be doing this. I know I shouldn't. Eventually, I'm going to __have__ to tell Emily that I know she's gay. I think I will, soon. I just have to find the right moment. _

_I still dream about her. I can't believe I'm saying this. I dream about her ALL the time. Why is she always naked? The weird thing is…I don't think I mind that she's naked. I don't know what to do. I can feel it inside, building. It starts as this __feeling__ when I see her. She usually shows up pretty quickly. There's __always__ flowers…and usually rain, too. Then this amazing feeling starts to grow. I can feel it all over my body. Mostly between my legs, though. I can feel it pulsing…I get breathless…I get…fuck, I don't know. All I know is I wake up really __wet._

_I __know__ what an orgasm is, for God sake. I read about it! Anyway…I think that's what I had in my sleep the other night. Or…I started to have. I think it started, and then it stopped. I think I nearly had one. I don't know…I've never had one before! UGH, CRINGE! Why am I writing this down? Oh right, because I can't TELL ANYONE. Is this what's supposed to happen when you get older. Does everyone start getting these dreams? Does everyone get this __feeling__. WHAT DOES IT MEAN! _

_I'm not a __complete__ moron. I do KNOW about sex. I've let boys touch me before…mainly over my clothes. I just haven't, you know, done IT. Alright, I haven't done much at all. But even when I __did__ let them touch me, it was people I kinda liked…but not really. I let Ian touch me a bit. I never felt THAT before though. Nothing even close to that feeling I got the other night. Is it weird that I want to feel it again, even though I'm a girl…and she's a girl…and we're both girls? What does this make me? This only happens with her…it's not like like __I'm __checking out Lady Gaga or anything! Which she totally was! Emily is __Gay__ gay. I only like Emily. What does that make me? UGH it makes me nothing! I'm perfectly normal! For fuck sake snap out of it!_

_When we walked to school together, I couldn't help but hold her hand. I actually…felt sorry for her. That fuck head had told everyone. __Everyone.__ I knew she couldn't deny it. Fuck, she probably let him do it so that people wouldn't know she was gay! Is that what it's come to? I have to say something to her, this has to stop. She needs to know that __someone__ knows before she does something even MORE stupid and ACTUALLY FUCKS HIM! And I am NOT letting that happen. So help me, I will not. I swear to lucifer, I will not allow it._

_God, has she even figured it out yet? She must know __something __is different, surely. She confuses me SO much. I know she still likes me, I can feel it. Why is she still carrying on with that fucker! If she just tells everyone she's gay it's not going to matter, nobody will care! Hell, she might even be a little braver, finally. She's got to do it herself though. This is one thing I won't out her on. HA! Out! What a pun! Anyway, I won't tell people for her, even I'm not that mean. __Ugh__ when did she make me have a heart._

_I couldn't help inviting her over. I __really __couldn't. Nobody can judge me for it, either. NOBODY KNOWS ME! I know I said that the last time would be the last time, but I want to see it again. I want to see that blush. I'm addicted to it. I crave it. I'll never admit this to ANYONE. But I want her. I'm starting to really want her. It terrifies me! I'm not going to take it too far though. I'm just going to play around. I know I shouldn't play games, but I'm starting to wonder who I'm playing against. Part of me feels like I'm just playing myself. Fuck, this growing up shit is hard. Can I just skip it? I wish I could just disappear and come back as an adult. Then everything would be fixed._

_I know I need to stop, but part of me wants to carry on. I know I can't forever, though. I have to end this game at some point. I'm starting to think it's not a game any more...and that's dangerous. It's dangerous for me to be feeling this way. I HAVE to make it stop. Tomorrow. I'll make it stop tomorrow. I'll just have one more night of fun._

Alison put down her pen. She knew she was getting herself into dangerous water. She _knew_ she shouldn't invite Emily over, but she just couldn't help herself. To be honest, she didn't really know _why_ she was having Emily over, she just knew she wanted it.

Ali had been thinking long and hard about her Halloween costume. She had already settled on Lady Gaga, but she just needed to buy the costume. _Ugh! I bet there won't be any costumes left. Noel has probably told everyone about the party by now. I'll have to go into town this week and get it before they run out. _She decided.

Alison put her diary back in her dresser drawer, shutting away her thoughts for good. She walked over to her mirror and checked out her perfect hair. Not a strand was out of place. Ali was beginning to get a nervous feeling in her stomach. She knew she had asked Emily round to her house, and the brunette was sure to arrive any moment.

As soon as she heard the doorbell, she raced down the stairs to answer the door. _GOD Ali don't seem so desperate to see her, it's only Emily. _She thought, opening the door for the brunette.

"Hey!" Emily smiled broadly and looked happy to see her.

"Hey Em, come in." Alison said brightly. She let Emily into her house.

Ali didn't say anything, she just watched Emily take of her shoes and she silently walked up the stairs with the brunette following behind.

Emily broke the silence when they reached Alison's bedroom door. She glanced down the hallway. "Your mom's not here?" She questioned.

"Nah, she's taken Jason with her to look at carpet samples. Lucky him." Ali laughed, opening her door.

Emily and Alison stepped into Ali's bedroom. Alison had had Emily up there numerous times, but she was feeling oddly nervous.

"So, did you pick a Halloween costume yet?" Emily asked casually.

"Yeah…actually I have the perfect thing picked out." _And you're gonna love it. _Ali thought.

"Really?" Emily said.

"Yeah, have you picked yours yet?" The blonde inquired.

"I was thinking Pocahontas. Ben wants me to go as a sexy cop, though." Emily laughed.

_I bet he does. Actually…I bet that would look kinda hot. Stop it, Ali!_

"Hmm." Ali said, smirking at Emily. "I bet he does."

Emily blushed. "Yeah."

"Pocahontas is good, too. We should try out some hair styles for that. You're wearing a head dress right?" Alison asked. She secretly hoped she might get to play with Emily's hair again. She could tell last time she had done it that Emily had really liked it.

"Yeah, a small one, nothing too fancy." Emily answered.

Alison sat down on the edge of her bed. Emily stood in the middle of the room, looking a little unsure what she should do.

_Sit down Emily, I'm not going to bite you. _

"You can sit down you know, Em."

Emily sat tentatively on the bed next to Alison.

_This is such a bad idea. You shouldn't be alone with her right now and you know it. You know how you've been feeling, you're just going to make it worse for yourself. You know you can't carry on with this. _Alison thought.

Emily fiddled with a loose thread on the comforter. "Ali what…what did you mean yesterday? When we walked to school. What did you want to teach me?" Emily brought her eyes up to meet Alison's.

Ali stared back for a few seconds, not saying anything.

_How far can I push this before it's not a game, any more. When does it become too serious? _Ali wondered.

Alison smirked flirtatiously. "Well…I wanted to ask you something, first."

_I want to know, because I know there's no way you just made out. _

"Okay…" Emily trailed off.

Alison took a small breath. "Em…this thing with Ben…" She started. "Why did you let him tell people you had sex?

Emily looked as if she didn't want to answer the question, and she tried to brush it off quickly. "Ali, I told you yesterday…it would have happened eventually, so it doesn't matter what people think."

Alison reached out and put her hand on top of Emily's. She leaned over, making sure Emily was looking her in the eye. "It _does_ matter, Em. It's your virginity. It _does_ matter."

Emily looked back at Ali, and nodded slightly. She looked a little sad.

_Come on Emily, tell me what really happened, I know there's more to it._

Emily finally explained. Alison knew she would eventually. She just needed a push.

The brunette rolled her eyes slightly, giving up."I just…I wasn't ready. He wanted to…and I just _couldn't." _She looked down. "We were making out, and it was okay…it was going fine. He just…he wanted to do more, and I just didn't…feel anything." Emily admitted.

Alison nodded slightly, encouraging Emily to say more.

Emily shrugged and looked down at the bed. "I don't know _why _I didn't feel anything, it just felt wrong, somehow. He said his friends would laugh at him because he wasn't getting anywhere with me. So I just…I let him touch me, a bit."

Alison felt a rush of anger spread throughout her body. She was pretty sure it showed on her face, too.

"What do you mean you _let_ him touch you. Emily….did he make you do something you didn't want to do?" Ali asked seriously.

_If he did…I will kill him. I swear to lucifer, I will._

"No…not really…" Emily trailed off. "It wasn't like that. Ben isn't like that. It's just…I couldn't let him be laughed at. If his friends all made fun of him, I was worried he'd leave me." Emily's voice broke a little as she spoke.

"Emily, you shouldn't have to do _anything _you're not ready for." Alison said sincerely. She squeezed Emily's hand a little harder.

"I know, I didn't. I sort of…I..." Emily stammered. Alison could see she was nervous about something. She couldn't seem to get her words out.

"You what, Em?" She asked, her eyes searching the brunettes. "What did you do."

Emily swallowed thickly. "I knew…I knew I wasn't ready. I didn't want him to break up with me. He kept trying to touch me and I just…I grabbed his hand. I put it under my shirt, I let him touch me." She finished, looking anywhere but at Ali.

_Ugh! I knew it! Why did I ask! WHY did I ask! _Alison thought. She tried to hide her irritation.

"Well…what was it like?" Ali asked pointedly. _Why did you ask again? You know you don't want to know. _

"I don't know. It was okay, I guess. I didn't really…I didn't really feel anything. I put my hand over his, and I just let him feel me. I let him touch my…you know, over my bra. He seemed to like it, so…" She trailed off. She looked a little uncomfortable.

"Well, did _you_ like it?" Alison asked in a slightly stern voice.

"He was happy…so…" Emily said, not knowing how to finish.

"That's not what I asked you, Em. I asked you if _you_ liked it. Did you?" Ali asked. She was suddenly _very_ interested in the brunettes answer.

"You're gonna think I'm weird." Emily spoke in a small voice. She sounded like she was on the verge of tears.

_I don't think you're weird Emily. I already know why you didn't feel anything. Just tell me Emily. Tell me you're gay. It'll make it so much easier for you. Just tell me._

"Emily, I'll never think you're weird, okay. You can tell me anything. I knew there was something else going on. I wish you'd told me the whole story." Alison said. She was suddenly feeling very sorry for Emily. For once in her life she found herself genuinely concerned.

"It's just…I don't know why I didn't want to." Emily said timidly.

_I know why. _Ali thought.

Alison smiled at Emily. She knew Emily wasn't ready to tell her, she could see it in the brunettes face. She obviously wasn't ready to accept who she was, or at least, share it with anyone. She could see how fragile Emily was, and how confused.

_Well, she's not going to tell me. She needs to know I know, though. I'll let her know soon. Just…not today. Not like this._

"There's probably something wrong with me." Emily said, glumly.

Alison shook her head. "There's _nothing _wrong with you, Em. I promise."

She suddenly had a sly thought. _I'll show her there's nothing wrong with her. Maybe that'll help her figure it out._

Alison put on her best kittenish expression. She knew Emily always liked it when she did that. She could always count on the brunette to blush and stammer whenever she looked at her in her innocent, flirty way.

"Want me to prove it?" She said, her eyes squinting daringly.

Emily looked confused. "Prove it?" She asked. "What do you mean?"

Ali shifted a little closer to Emily on the bed. "Well…" She started. "You want me to prove there's nothing wrong with you? You think you're broken because you didn't feel anything right?"

Emily still looked confused. "Yeah. I didn't. I mean…not with Ben."

"Then don't you think it's Ben that's broken, not you? Maybe he just doesn't know how to touch you." Alison said innocently.

"I don't know." Emily said. Ali could tell that Emily wasn't getting it.

"Maybe you don't want Ben, Emily. It's like I told you before, you have to be sure of what you want. You have to try things. If you don't, you're never going to be happy."

_I wish she would just tell me. It would make all this so much easier. I wouldn't have to keep spelling it out. I could just say, 'hey, Emily, ever thought the reason you don't like Ben touching you is because you're gay?'… But I can't do that. Ugh everything is so hard. I need to show her that there's nothing wrong with her. She needs to know she can feel good when she does things, it just doesn't have to be Ben! I wish she would just realise it's because he's a boy._

"Well you said it didn't feel good, right?" Alison continued. "It didn't feel good when he touched you, and thats why you think there's something wrong with you…" She questioned.

"Yeah. Yeah, I guess." Emily answered.

"Let me teach you something. I want you to learn this." Alison said.

Alison looked her right in the eyes. _Oh god I shouldn't be doing this. Just once more. I just need to show her she's normal. She's not broken. I need to help her see what she could have if she would just let herself be who she is._

Alison leaned towards the brunette slowly, as if to kiss her. She watched Emily's face flush with colour. Emily's breathing hitched as Alison's lips ghosted over her cheek and towards her ear. She felt Emily tremble slightly.

She leaned in so her lips were just below Emily's earlobe, close enough to kiss. She could smell the perfume on the brunettes neck, and she ached to kiss her there.

Alison quietly whispered into Emily's ear. "close your eyes." She felt Emily's breathing falter.

She pulled back to watch Emily's eyes flutter closed. She saw the brunette take a laboured breath. "Tell me what you feel." Ali said sensually.

She took her hand, and placed two of her fingers at Emily's temple. She slowly trailed her fingertips down the side of Emily's face, her hand moving lightly across her cheekbones, down to the side of her jaw. Emily took a staggered breath and cleared her throat. She was clearly nervous, and Alison could feel her cheeks get warmer.

"Tell me, Em. What do you feel?" Alison asked again.

"You…I feel you. It feels…nice." She answered quietly, her voice almost inaudible.

Ali smiled. She trailed her fingertips down towards Emily's neck. She danced her fingers along Emily's soft skin. She could see the goosebumps rise on her neck as Emily took another laboured breath. _Oh my god I need to stop this. I need to stop this now. _Watching Emily like this was torture. She knew she shouldn't be doing it, but she just couldn't help it. Every sigh the brunette made went straight to the center of Alison's body. _If I'm not careful, I'll slip up. I will. _She thought.

Emily exhaled slightly with a soft sigh and before she could stop herself, Ali leaned in. She brought her lips once to the side of Emily's neck, kissing her there sweetly. She took a small sip of her caramel skin, before pulling back.

_Fuck. You idiot! Stop! You can't do that every time she makes a noise, no matter how good it feels…no matter how much you want to._

Alison pulled back quickly, to find Emily's eyes wide open and staring in surprise. She quickly brought her finger to Emily's lips to stop her from saying anything.

"Shh. Close your eyes." She said quietly. Emily obliged, and after one last quizzical look at Alison, she shut her eyes again.

Alison's fingers returned to Emily's neck. She danced little patterns across her skin again, making the brunette shudder, before she moved her fingertips down towards Emily's collar bone. The tank top Emily was wearing gave an amazing view of her figure. Alison just couldn't help but look.

_Stop. Now. Don't go any further. _She told herself. _Just a little more. Just enough to show her._

She dragged one of her fingers from one side of Emily's collar bone, to the other. She could feel the bones of the brunettes skin under her delicate hands. She lightly scratched across the brunettes clavicle with her fingernail, her fingers teasing.

"Do you feel that, Emily?" Alison said huskily.

Emily couldn't speak, she just nodded.

Alison felt a burn of arousal start in her lower abdomen. _She's not even touching me. Wow. _She could see the blissful desire written all across Emily's face. Her mouth had parted slightly, and her breathing was erratic.

Ali's fingers hovered just at the neckline of her tank top. She knew she shouldn't, but she just couldn't stop herself. Before she knew what she was doing, her hand left Emily's collar bone, and drifted lower, to the hem of her shirt.

Her fingers crept underneath the material. Alison could barely keep her own eyes open long enough to see the brunette suck in a harsh breath. Emily's hand clutched at the comforter, hard.

Ali leaned in again, her lips going back to Emily's ear. "Does this feel good?" She asked in a sultry tone. Her fingers barely brushed Emily's stomach. Ali smirked against the side of Emily's neck as she felt the brunettes muscles contract in a sharp jolt.

Emily never said a word. She couldn't. Alison knew she was incapable of speech right now.

_I want you to feel what you should have felt before. _The blonde thought. _I want you to know you're okay. There's nothing wrong with you._

Alison's fingers trailed slowly up Emily's stomach, lightly caressing her naked ribs. She could feel Emily's body shaking slightly. Emily let out a whispered moan, and Alison shut her eyes tightly at the sound of it. _Oh wow, oh my god. _The feeling between her legs intensified.

She knew it was time to stop, but she just couldn't. She hesitated for a second, listening to the brunettes shaking breaths. _I have to. I just have to. I need to see. I need her to see. I want to. _She brought her hand suddenly upwards, shocking both herself, and Emily. She boldly placed her hand over the brunettes lacy bra, right above her breast. She could feel Emily's heart hammering in her chest. Alison's head pounded. She had never felt so turned on in her whole entire life. She could feel by Emily's reactions just how _much_ she wanted her. Emily let out a choked moan, as if she had been holding her breath. Alison felt Emily's nipple harden under her touch. _Oh fuck. Oh my god. _Alison swept her thumb across it, once, and felt Emily flinch. She could feel the brunette grab at the comforter as she let out another hard gasp.

Alison tried to control her own breathing. _That's it. Stop. Stop now or you won't be able to. NOW, Ali! _

Reluctantly, Alison pulled back from Emily. She hastily removed her hand from Emily's shirt and immediately missed the contact. She tried her best to calm herself down. She scooted back across the bed and stood up quickly, taking two steps back. Emily still sat with her eyes closed. She took several laboured breaths before slowly opening her her eyes to look up at Alison. Her chocolate eyes were almost black.

Alison tried to shrug it off. She put on her best casual expression, even though she was feeling anything but.

_Fuck you're an idiot. You shouldn't have done that. You've made everything worse, why did you do that. _

_"_Well…" She tried to put on her most nonchalant voice. "How did that feel?" She asked.

Emily couldn't speak. She just looked up at the blonde, her face a mystery.

Alison couldn't look her in the eyes. She walked over to her dresser and began fiddling with the nail polishes that she had arranged into neat little piles. She started re-arranging them needlessly, her back to Emily.

Emily finally spoke. "It felt…." She said quietly, trailing off.

Ali whipped her head around. "Good, right?" She said pointedly. "It felt _really good._ That's how it's _supposed _to feel, Em." She looked at the brunette sincerely. "You see…there is _nothing _wrong with you. You felt it the way you were supposed to feel it. I just needed to show you…you're perfectly capable of feeling those things. It's Ben, he's the one that's not right for you. You _can _feel those things." _With the right person._ Ali added in her head.

"You did that to show me?" Emily queried in confusion.

Alison was disarmed suddenly. She didn't know quite what to say. She _had _wanted to show Emily that there was nothing wrong with her, but she had _also_ wanted to touch her anyway. She couldn't tell her that, though.

"I…yes." Alison said bluntly, turning back to her nail polishes.

_You need to change the subject, quick. You need to pretend this hasn't happened. For fuck sake, Ali. What is wrong with you._

Alison held up a light blue pastel coloured nail polish. "Can I paint your toes? I promise, I won't mess them up, I'm an _expert._" She said brightly.

_Let's never speak of this again. It's done. No more. Please, Em, don't try and talk to me about what just happened._

"Sure." Emily said. She seemed to have calmed down slightly. She had obviously accepted that this exchange between her and Alison was just another practice thing. At least, that's what Alison hoped.

Emily leaned back against Ali's pillows. Alison came over to the bed and sat cross legged in front of her.

"Give me your foot." She said to Emily, holding her hand out.

Emily stuck her leg out and Alison took her foot, placing it on top of an old pillow in front of her.

_I wonder what she'd do if I tried her little foot arch move back on her. _Ali thought. _No, that's enough. This has got to be the end of it now._

Ali began painting Emily's toes, one by one. Every now and again, Emily would jerk her foot slightly, messing up the paint. After the third time she had to wipe nail polish off the side of the brunettes foot, Alison looked up, laughing.

"Stop moving!" She smirked playfully.

Emily squirmed, jerking her foot again and giggling. "I can't help it! It tickles." She smiled at Ali, and Ali smiled back.

"Get over it!" Ali said, still playing around.

The blonde leaned down, and blew air across Emily's toes to dry the paint. Ali looked up at her and saw Emily shift on the bed slightly, obviously affected by the intimacy of the move.

_We just can't be alone together. We just can't. Whatever this is, it's not going to go away. _She thought.

Ali signed slightly. _Just say it, just get it out. At least you'll have told her what you think._

"You need to break up with Ben." Ali said flatly, looking down at Emily's toes still.

Emily looked shocked. "What?" She exclaimed. "Why?"

Ali raised her eyebrows at Emily. "Because you deserve better. He's a flathead…and deep down you _know_ it's not right." She tried to give Emily a look that said _I know more about you than you think._

"Sometimes it feels right." Emily said.

Alison couldn't help but notice she'd used the word '_sometimes.'_

"_UGH! Please!"_ Ali said in disbelief. "Mushy squash!" She wrinkled her nose.

"He's not _that _bad." Emily said in defence . She shook her head slightly.

Ali raised her head. She gave Emily her best 'I'm telling you this because it's good for you' look. "That's what's left on the buffet table after everyones made their choices, Em." She leaned her head towards Emily, giving her a serious look. "You don't make decisions…and _that's _what you end up with."

_Please get what I'm trying to say Emily. Please understand it. You need to accept who you are._

"Ben really cares about me…and…I don't wanna hurt him." Emily said in a small voice. She looked down and played with her hands.

Ali tilted her head. "Stop taking care of everyone but yourself." She said sincerely.

"Alison…" Emily said, about to defend Ben again.

Alison cut her off. "You need to be careful at what you're _good at_, hun, cause you'll spend the _rest_ of your life doing it."

_if she doesn't accept who she is she's just going to lie to herself forever._

Emily looked at Ali for a long time.

_"_And…if you need me to do the deed I'm happy to." Ali offered.

"What deed?" Emily questioned.

"Breaking up with Ben." Ali stated. Emily looked shocked. "I've done it for lots of people."

"That's _so wrong!" _Emily exclaimed. "Who would ask you to do something like that?"

"Sometimes people don't have a choice. A friend of mine was involved with this really _scary dude. _She couldn't do it…so I stepped in. But the bitch didn't tell me he had a gun…which he pulled on me!" Ali said dramatically. _Yeah that's Cece Drake for you…always the center of drama. Shame I got pulled into all that, really. I shouldn't be telling her this. I really don't want anyone to know about my other friends._

"What! Who?" Emily said, shocked. "A boy at our school has a gun?"

_It's not important, Em. Focus on what I'm trying to tell you. She isn't getting my point about this at all. _

"You don't know him, he doesn't go to our school…any more." Ali added scandalously.

_Oh, forget it. You're not listening to what I'm trying to tell you._

Alison pointed towards the cushion. "Other foot!" She instructed. Emily lifted her other leg onto the cushion, so that Ali could continue painting it.

"Come on! You have to tell me!" Emily said. She jerked her foot again just as Ali was about to start painting it.

"Em, I swear to lucifer! If you move that foot again!" She glanced at Emily with a stern look. She knew it was obvious she was only playing, though.

"You swear to the Devil, that's funny." Emily said, letting out a short laugh.

"Honey, I am the Devil." Alison winked at Emily.

October 31st :1.39am

Alison DiLaurentis slammed her bedroom door so hard the hinges nearly broke off. She pulled out her diary and slumped down on her bed, an angry expression on her face. She pulled out her new invisible ink pen, which she had bought last week at the joke store. She began to write.

_That absolute SLUT! She's a SLUT I HATE HER! I fucking HATE THAT GIRL! If all the sluts in all the world could fit into one room it wouldn't be big enough because she's such a __HUGE __slut there wouldn't be any room for anyone else! UGH! _

_Wanna know what happened! Fine! UGH! There was this girl! This ugly…BITCH at the Halloween store! I was in there picking out MY lady Gaga costume, and she goes and says she's wearing the same thing to Noel's party! Like…who the FUCK are __you! __Who the fuck is this bitch, right? She's new, apparently. Well no, I know she's new because __I've__ never seen her before. And honey, if I don't know you, you don't exist. _

_Where the fuck did she even come from? Slutdonia probably! YES! She's the ultimate slutty slut queen of slutdonia QUEEN of all the other little slut kingdoms. Ha! She's not even worthy to be queen. She can be the janitor. Yes, that's what she is, the __janitor__ of slutdonia._

_Anyway…janitor slut-queen goes by the name of Jenna Marshall. Or…giant marshface, as I like to call her. So giant marshface janitor of slutdonia actually tried to challenge me! ME! Doesn't she know who I am? She fucking should. Am I losing my touch? Do I not scare people any more. This bitch wasn't scared. I made it PERFECTLY CLEAR that I was going to be the ONLY Gaga at that party. Fucking bitch didn't get the message!_

_Noel's party was great! I even played an awesome trick on everyone at the end of the night. I scared the crap out of everyone, it was SO funny! Emily looked awesome…as always. She had the best Pocahontas costume. I think it was Pocahontas, it might have been some other person, maybe tiger lily. Whatever. It looked hot. There I said it. Yep. She looked hot._

_So there I was, chatting to my friends, having fun…when my song comes on! MY Gaga song! So I turn around to go and dance and that slutty girl from the store is standing there in her own lady Gaga outfit, talking to Noel! And…HER OUTFIT WAS BETTER THAN MINE! UGH! I'm not even going to deny that it wasn't better. What's the point? People have EYES! They could all see. I swear there is nothing worse in a girls life than when you're wearing the same clothes as someone else. Unless…that person looks better than you. THEN IT'S WORSE! I haven't even got to the most annoying part of the night yet! Just you wait!_

_So! I found slutty Jenna on the dance floor and she was talking to a bunch of guys. I dismissed them. Dorks. I even tried to be fake nice to her, ugh! She didn't buy it. She just didn't give a shit. I am so going to destroy this bitch. Slut. Hoe. I feel like this is all some sort of cosmic justice for trying to get Hanna to go to the party as bald Britney! WHY IS MY LIFE SO UNFAIR. I hate that slut! _

_Anyway, the thing with Emily finally came out. Not __that__ thing, the me and her thing…not that there is any me and her thing. I mean the gay thing. I finally told her I knew. I couldn't hold it in any more. UGH this is where it gets worse. Some slow dance song was playing, and her and flathead were dancing together. Watching them made me sick to my stomach. How come Emily GAY Fields gets to stand there dancing with a GUY and I'm on my own! What cosmic shit is that?_

_So, obviously I was pissed off, already. The thing is though…that's not what made me do it. It was slutty Jenna that made me do it. I look over on the dance floor and __there she is.__ She's slutting it up waving her arms in the air all sexy poses and body rocking and ass shaking. What a slut. Did I mention that she's a slut? She wasn't even dancing __with__ anyone. She was just swaying about…in her LADY GAGA costume, looking hot! Every pair of eyes in the room belonging to any red blooded male were watching her. Oh, and did I mention…so was Emily._

_YES! UGH! Emily was dancing with Ben. She had her arms around his shoulders and he had his back to the dance floor. She was watching Jenna dance over his shoulder. The worst part was, Jenna knew she was watching! They were practically EYE FUCKING each other on the dance floor. Emily wasn't looking anywhere remotely near me! She was looking at another girl! I couldn't fucking believe it. I knew she liked lady Gaga but FUCK! Gaga right here! Hello! She was __totally__ checking Jenna out. And I mean…really. I'm surprised flathead didn't notice. _

_I had never felt jealousy like that before, ever. It's one thing to be jealous of Ben, because he's a clueless buffoon. He won't last forever. She'll come out at some point and then it'll be bye bye oaf brain. He's a joke. I know my jealousy over Ben will probably be short lived. But this GIRL! Now THAT is a whole different ball game! Fuck! That's like competing against a whole different __team! __Or…the same team…UGH WHATEVER! I don't want her looking at other girls! AT ALL! Fuck! She's only supposed to look at me! _

_I was SO angry, I can't even tell you. So, I decided to call her out. I walked over to her while she was eye fucking 'slut-janitor-of-slutdonia-Gaga-costume-stealing-whore' and I whispered in her ear, just low enough so that only she could hear me. "Were you wishing you could taste her cherry Chapstick? Don't worry Em…your secret's safe with me." And then I walked off. I think I made my point pretty clear? Don't you? _

_I've probably made myself look __SO__ stupid. I got far too close to Emily last week. I showed myself up in front of the new girl…and I told Emily to break up with Ben. UGH! AND I'm __still__ having these… __feelings__ for Emily. I don't want her looking at anyone else! Least of all a girl! I've been playing this game but I don't know how to end it. I never should have started it. I don't even know how all this happened. Maybe it was inevitable. Ugh! _

_Anyway, we have that test this week. The one about the book. The one that was postponed. I'll have to pretend to everyone that I haven't read it again. I'll have to pretend I haven't been reading it __every__ day, in the library._

_Goodnight. No matter what that slutty Jenna does…I've still got the best poker face._

Alison slammed her diary closed, and went to sleep. She tried to tell herself she would come out of all this on top. She was _always_ a winner. However, the last thing on her mind before she closed her eyes and went to sleep, was: _I should have played my cards closer to my chest. _

**Authors Note: Does anyone else get the feeling that Alison might not like jenna? Haha! I must admit, Ali is my favourite to write because she's so bitchy it's like everything you always wanted to say but never got the guts to! Alison will go through quite the journey in this fic, she will start to grow up soon, and hopefully you guys will see some evolution in the way she speaks. That's the hope anyway! hope you guys are enjoying this, there's some big big things to come. I've been promising the library scene for a while so I'm pleased to say it's almost here! Please let me know if you're liking this story your opinions and advice and reviews have all been so awesome and are truly keeping this going. I read every word you say and I'm always touched. Thank you! My Twitter is hauntedtwilight love you all.**


	13. Fire - Jealousy - Desire

**Authors Note: I'm so glad you guys enjoyed the last chapter so much! Your takes on each chapter are always so interesting to read and I love hearing all the different ways you guys interpret the story! You guys are really attached to Ali and her character development and I must admit, so am I! You'll get more of her thoughts in this chapter and she's been through some important events in her life. Well done to the people who picked up the Ali not being a virgin in the show thing! It's like you guys read my mind and figured out exactly what was coming up next lol! Likewise with the Paige comment! Y'all will get all that in this chapter just wait and see hehe! Thank you all SO much for your reviews! Here we go, on with the next part…**

**FIRE**

Some say the world will end in fire,

Some say in ice.

From what I've tasted of desire

I hold with those who favour fire.

But if it had to perish twice,

I think I know enough of hate

To say that for destruction ice

Is also great

And would suffice.

Robert Frost

**5****th**** November**

_GOD! I fucked up! I fucked up BAD! I feel AWFUL! It's the damn JENNA THING! Stupid idiot Jenna Marshall! Why is it when you're feeling bad about something...everything __else__ you've done comes right back as well to make you feel HORRIBLE TOO! I'm starting to feel __so __guilty about everything lately. I don't think I've ever admitted this…but it's __my fault__ Jenna is blind. It's all my fault. I tried to make everyone else feel like we hadn't done anything wrong…but we had. I don't let them talk about it any more, it makes me feel too guilty. I just tell them to SHUT UP. Shut up talking about it before my head explodes PLEASE! They haven't lately though…I think they're starting to get over it. I'm not. I can't get over anything, these days. _

_I know I haven't talked about it here…it's because, it's been too horrible. I haven't wanted to talk about it…at ALL. And here I am talking to myself. Here it is coming out. I used to have so much more control than this…why can't I keep anything inside, any more? I'm so SO sorry about it all. I didn't mean for it to happen, I really didn't._

_It was a few days ago…we were changing in Emily's room. She looked…beautiful. She really did, that night. I think that was the first night I ever noticed just how fierce she could really be if she stopped hiding so much. I looked at her in the mirror and saw that next to me, she was __just__ as beautiful. I actually smiled at that. Usually I'd be jealous, I'm always the prettiest. But something about seeing the two of us in the mirror…it was like it was reality, but backwards. Some backwards reality where Emily and I were looking in on ourselves. _

_This accident happened. I can't bring myself to speak of what I did. It involves a firecracker…and then there was a fire. The girls weren't hurt…it was the girl next door, she was. It was Jenna. I know I said I hated her…but I'd never want her to really get hurt. Not really. It was a mistake. I don't even want to say much more about this, even on paper, even with invisible ink. I can't, because if someone finds it, they'll have proof it was me. I guess that's the whole point of this, though, nobody will ever know how to find it._

_It was me. I threw a firecracker through Jenna marshall's window for a joke. I didn't __realise__ what would happen. I didn't KNOW. It just happened. Something…caught fire. She was rescued, but now she's blind. God this is so hard to write. I need to stop. I need to stop talking about it. Emily feels guilty for it, I can see that in her face. But I've told her to NEVER bring it up. I've told everyone._

_It was only a few days ago, and it's still really raw. I need to make sure everyone forgets about this. I can't have everyone keep bringing it up. I'll make this whole thing go away. There isn't anything anyone can do now anyway, right? Her brother was blamed for it. That's the other awful thing. But he's so CREEPY. He's always standing around, staring. God I need to stop before I end up crying over __everything.__ WHY IS MY LIFE SO UNFAIR! This whole situation is so fucked up! I'm not talking about Jenna anymore, I'm not. I'm going to get over it. It was an accident and that's that. I __promise__, it was an accident. I swear to God._

_I haven't been able to stop thinking about Emily, either. I can't stop thinking about how much I want to touch her. I can feel it getting out of hand. It's so confusing for me. I'm starting to think that I might actually have real feelings for her. Or not…I don't know. I'm not sure what it is. I just know it's not going away. I feel different, lately. I'm uncomfortable talking about it. I don't want to talk about it any more! _

_**JEALOUSY**_

Hunger, revenge, to sleep are petty foes,

But only death the jealous eyes can close.

William Wycherley

_**Ten days later.**_

_WHY is it that I keep running into people who wanna fuck Emily? And I did…I literally ran __right __into her. Pigskin. Ugh! Well…technically she ran into ME. I'm getting seriously sick of all this shit. How many people do I have to get rid of in this town! _

_I already got rid of Jenna Marshall! Although, I swear, that was an accident. But anyhow, she's no threat anymore, is she! She's blind! I know I'm being a bitch saying this but it's not like she can check Emily out any more is it? Unless she smells her! Ugh! That's a horrible thing to say. I need to stop. I do feel terrible about Jenna. I actually do. I think sometimes I say mean things about people to hide how I really feel. I have to hide it, though. I have to. _

_Pigskin, though…that's another ball game. Ironically, it all __started__ with a ball game. Soccer. Here's what happened…_

_There's this girl in our year. I think her name is Paige or some crap. I actually don't care. I have a new name for her anyway, it's 'pigskin'. One time I saw her changing by herself and she had this eczema ALL over her thighs. I actually think it was some one-time swim burn thing. But still…EW! Naturally, I pointed it out…and she got all shy. She gave me the WEIRDEST Goggle eyed look! I hate when people LOOK at me! Ugh! I hate that girl! There's just something __weird__ about her. She always looks so MAD like she's going to turn psycho like Norman Bates and attack you in the shower with a knife or something! Ha! Maybe I should have started calling her 'Norman' instead! Anyway, I didn't like the way she looked at me._

_I started to notice something. EVERY time I met Emily in the locker room after swim practice, she was always there…just…hovering around. At first I thought it was a coincidence. We would meet up and just as we would leave the locker room there she'd be, sitting on the benches reading some book. ALL THE TIME. I don't just mean once or twice, I mean every damn day. It got to the point where Emily and I couldn't even have a private conversation without little miss nosey sitting there with her boring ass book eves dropping. _

_Then, I started to realise why. Once, when Emily was in the office talking to the swim coach, I stood around the corner from her little bench and decided to spy on her. I like spying, they should rename me Harriet or something. Well! Pigskin-psycho-Norman-Bates was sitting there __muttering __to herself! Like rain man, seriously! Just sitting there talking to herself. Like, what the fuck? It wasn't until I heard what she was saying, that I realised WHY she had been sitting there every damn day. _

_Wanna know what she was saying? WELL! Miss weirdo was muttering over and over again: "Just go and talk to her…don't be scared. Just go and talk to her…just ask her if she wants to hang out. There's nothing wrong with that. Just go and talk to her. Maybe she's not gay. Maybe you're wrong. Maybe you aren't, either. Just go and talk to her." LIKE A PSYCHO! What the fuck is that! _

_Then, I realised! PIGSKIN IS GAY TOO! Is every single person on the planet gay right now! What the fuck is going on! Did some kind of boob loving plague descend on the school? From the sound of it, she'd already figured out Emily's secret. Either that, or she was just taking a chance. Either way, it seriously pissed me off. Like Emily would ever be interested in HER! UGH! Who the fuck does she think she is?_

_Well! I wasn't having it. This psycho wasn't going to get within one foot of Emily Fields, that's for sure. So…I walked right up to her and I told her to fuck off. Yep. I did. I hate that girl! How dare she like Emily. What the hell does she think she's doing, stalking her outside the locker room every day. Freak! I just felt so…annoyed, inside. I felt this horrible jealousy as well, like I did with Jenna that time. I don't want __anyone __looking at Emily. I don't want anyone else __near__ her, either. I think she was so worried I'd heard what she said that pigskin actually __did__ fuck off. Good. Score one for me._

_UGH! I swear…I need to find some way to get over Emily. I need to make this all stop. I've started seeing Ian again, here and there. He's still with that witch, sort of…but I don't give a fuck. He's a good distraction. _

_So! Back to pigskin! This is where she gets even more annoying! She ATTACKED ME!_

_I hate soccer, right? No big surprise there. It sucks, and I always end up with mud in my hair because I always fall over trying to kick the stupid ball. Usually, I can get out of it. If coach Clarke is teaching us, all I have to do is bat my lashes, and maybe bend over a little __too__ far to tie my shoes. He checks me out like the big perv he is, and bingo! Ali doesn't have to play any more. That's what __usually__ happens._

_Anyway, the jerk didn't show up to teach the class, did he! Some bullshit about his wife having a baby! Ha! If she saw how he looked at the students then she'd run a mile! Well…back to my story. I have to stop getting carried away with minor details, he's a perv, that's that…but he wasn't there. Instead, some MAN LADY was teaching our class. Lesbian or no lesbian, she was sure as hell not letting anyone skip soccer. And believe me, I __tried.__ I even did my 'oops I bent down a little too far' routine and __nothing__. Maybe she just likes the butch ones. God, if she does then that would make two men in that relationship because __wow__ the woman had a beard, I swear. __Seriously__ though…am I losing my touch? UGH! I don't think I am because Emily still looks at me like I hung the moon and all the stars in the sky. She's still all over Ben, of course…ugh…whatever. I don't even want to talk about that._

_So! I had to play the damn soccer game. I'll admit it, I suck. I suck so bad that if sucksville had a president, I'd be it. No, actually I'd be the Queen. Soccer is for butcho-girls anyway._

_This is where __she__ comes in. I was changing in the locker room when she bangs her large ass bag down right next to me. Like hello…personal space invasion? Everyone KNOWS I take the bench by the door. Nobody __ever__ puts their stuff down there. That's where MY stuff goes. Who the fuck does pigskin think she is, right? _

_So I looked at her and I was all like… "Hello…move your crappy ass bag off my bench, oink girl." Would you believe it…she didn't! She just stood there like a lemon! So I kicked her stupid bag onto the floor. Then, I heard a smash. Pigskin looked all alarmed and shit. She bent down to open her bag and some crappy little crystal dolphin thing fell out of it. Well…half a dolphin. The other half was broken. Oops, my bad, right. I'll admit, maybe kicking her bag was a tad too far but she's so fucking WEIRD! And people need to know their place! Next time she'll move her bag won't she._

_I ACTUALLY considered saying sorry for like, one second. I didn't get a chance to though because pigskin picked up the little dolphin and THREW IT AT MY HEAD! Seriously! Right at my head! It smashed against the wall like three inches away from my face. SHE COULD HAVE KILLED ME! Psycho bitch! I totally should have said something but I was slightly afraid that she'd rip my arms off. I've always been better with words. I am sure as hell not getting into a fight with her manly self over a crystal dolphin. I just laughed in her face. Luckily, the coach came in straight after and made us go outside._

_So, it's like halfway through the soccer game, and me and IT are on separate sides. I was standing at the back because there's no way I was going to risk falling over in the mud. I had managed to avoid the soccer ball for the entire game. Coach lesbo didn't even tell me off, either. Maybe my bend down routine worked after all, right? Anyway, I'm standing there, minding my own business, when the damn ball comes FLYING at my face. Those fucking balls aren't soft, either! Have you ever been hit in the face with one? Well…I hadn't and I wasn't itching to find out what it felt like. So, naturally, I ducked. I literally like, ducked for my life. There may have been a scream in there, too. _

_So, the ball goes flying over my head, right, and I'm all like: "YESSSS" because it missed my face by, like, three inches. Then, I look up, and pigskin is barrelling towards me at like ninety miles an hour. LIKE A HUMAN TRAIN! For once in my life, I thought…you know what, Ali? Play the damn game! _

_I sure as HELL didn't want that bitch taking the ball off of me. She wasn't going to beat me! Even though I __suck__, I don't think I've ever tried so hard to catch up to a ball in all my life. I ran as fast as I could after that fucker. Would you believe it…I ACTUALLY GOT THERE FIRST! That human train caught up to me, like, two seconds after though. I was like what the fuck pigskin! I got here first! Back off! So…I elbowed her. Like…quite hard. _

_Anyway, the next thing I know I was on the floor. I think I tripped over the ball. All I remember thinking was: SEE this is why I DO NOT PLAY SOCCER! I always fall down! Well! Right as I was about to roll over and get up, I feel this FOOT on my back! Pigskin actually __KICKED ME! __That FREAKAZOID stamped right on my back. I don't know whether she ran straight over the top of me with her fat feet or if she just booted me in the shoulder but it hurt like hell! It seriously fucking hurt. That bitch! I can still feel the stud marks from her giant foot embedded in my back! I would have got up to shove her but I literally couldn't move. I've actually still got the bruise now. It's HIDEOUS! It's massive, and it's all across my shoulder. Pigskin didn't even say sorry. I'm sure I saw her laugh! Real funny bitch, I thought! REAL FUNNY! She had no idea what a massive mistake she'd made. I vowed that I'd have the last laugh, and I did. I thought to myself: Once I get done with that no neck bitch, she won't even exist._

_I spent, like, two days thinking up my revenge, until I figured out the __perfect__ plan to get back at that little psycho bitch. I called it "operation stationery." Phase one involved stealing some of Emily's stationery. It wasn't too hard to do, either. She's got all these little stacks of paper in her room with "PROPERTY OF EMILY FIELDS" written on them. I think they were a gift from her grandmother. If it wasn't so cute, I'd make fun of her, but her dorkiness actually helped me out with my plan so I wasn't complaining. _

_I invited myself over (not to touch her boob again, I swore that was going to be the last time and I'm doing __so __well) and I waited until she'd gone to get us both a drink. I stole two of the little pieces of paper with her name on them. HA! She won't notice! She's got like, a million. Anyway! I went home and started writing an interesting little letter to pigskin. Wait till you hear it! It was SO good! It went a little something like this…_

_**Dear Paige…**_

_**I know we don't speak, but there's something I've needed to say to you for a while now. I don't know if this is going to freak you out, but I've been having some seriously hot fantasies about you. I've been dating this guy, but I just can't get you out of my mind. I can't stop thinking about you. I need to know if you feel the same way. You can't email or text me because my boyfriend is suspicious. It's getting a little hard to hide my feelings and I think he can see what's been going on. Anyway, if you feel the same way, leave me a note under the sign in front of the coffee shop in town. I hope you do, I've been thinking about you so much. **_

_**XOXOXO – Emily**_

_HA! Ha fucking ha ha ha right! How fucking funny is that! So! That was phase one! Phase two was making sure pigskin never bothered me or Emily again. I asked my friend Cece to go with me into town. She's always good backup to have. She's like, __me__ but older. We sat outside the little coffee shop in town. Cece thought my whole note idea was __genius! __Cece was all like "mamas proud!" I'll have to admit, it was pretty clever. I explained all about the note and what I'd put in it while we sat and waited to see if pigskin would show up._

_Cece thought that Emily would crucify me if she found out what I'd done. She probably would, but she won't find out. This was all for __her __benefit after all! So how mad could she be! And as for her stationary…it's only a couple of pieces of paper…who cares! _

_As if on cue, pigskin rode up on her little FREAKAZOID bike. She's such a pedal pusher! Ha! I told Cece to get down so we could hide but Cece didn't duck. In the end I guess it didn't matter because nobody knows what Cece looks like or even who she is. So I saw pigskin get off her dork bike! Here's the best part: MY PLAN WORKED! She had the letter! She ACTUALLY wrote Emily a letter back! _

_She was just putting it under the sign and getting ready to leave when I decided enough was enough. It was time to take the bitch down. Here's how it went…_

_As soon as she saw me, she rushed to grab the letter. She was all like "no, no, no!" In this worried little voice! I'm __sure__ she knew she'd been had as soon as she saw me. She sure was desperate to get her letter back, though. I wonder what was in it. I grabbed it before she could take it back. _

_I laughed at her and said "do you want me to deliver this to Emily? I probably should, seeing as I was the one that wrote it to you." _

_HER FACE! Her face was priceless! I had to carry on though, this was just too good! I said: "should I open it here? Or should I just forward it to Daddy? Is he still that big old Deacon at the church?"_

_I could tell by her face that he was! She looked SO angry! She tried to snatch the letter off me but I was way too quick. She was all "give it to me!" And I was all SWIPE! TOO SLOW PIGSKIN! HA! _

_I laughed at her and said "aww, why should I? I'd much rather watch your daddy blow up when he finds out you wanna slip your…" But I didn't get to finish._

_She screamed at me! Ugh! She was like "give it to me!" All in my face like the Norman bates she is!_

_I was slightly worried she was going to hit me but I could tell I had one up on her now. There was no way she'd risk me showing her dad this letter. I held my ground and I looked her straight in the face. "Think again pigskin. I OWN YOU NOW." I said and walked away._

_I had to get away fast before she came at me again like the human bulldozer that she is. I actually thought she might chase me so I got into Cece's car and shouted "drive…DRIVE!" And we sped out of there as fast as we could. I'm annoyed that I never got to read the letter, though. I wonder what she put in it. We drove away so fast that it slipped out of my hand and went flying out of the back of Cece's convertible. God, her car is cute. _

_Anyway, my plan worked…obviously. I knew it would. That meat head is way too afraid of what daddy will say. That was the last time I saw her hovering outside the locker room, that's for sure. She's stayed well away from me since that. And Emily. Every now and again, I throw a comment her way, just to keep her in her place._

_Oh, and something else happened! I forgot to write it down! I KNEW IT! I totally caught Ian kissing Spencer! How DARE HE! He's been seeing ME! Just how many girls is he getting with behind Melissa's back? I couldn't believe it. I kind of knew something was going on. Spencer is always FAR too interested in what Ian is doing all the time. _

_Just what the fuck does he think he's doing? I made it perfectly clear to Spencer that if she doesn't stop her little affair with her sisters boyfriend that I WOULD tell Melissa. She probably thinks I'm a bitch and doesn't understand why I'm being like this with her. But I can't tell her the real reason, can I? I can't tell her that I've been seeing him too._

_Anyway…is there anyone else wanting to fuck up my life right now? I mean really…it's beyond a joke. It's not like I was jealous or anything…it's only Ian, but what's mine is mine. I don't like people touching my things…least of all Spencer! Honestly, I never thought she'd have it in her to do that! She's always so uptight! It's just the principle of it really. Who the fuck does he think he is? Does he not see how amazingly lucky he is to even have my attention at all? WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH EVERYONE! Why is everyone trying to fuck me over! Just GET OFF MY THINGS! _

_I know I'm laughing about all this…but sometimes, when I __really__ stop and think about it, it's not that funny, any more. I don't know what that is. I don't know __why. __Sometimes, I feel like normal. I feel like I always do. Sometimes everything is funny, carefree…and a game. But every now and again…I starting to feel a bit guilty. I'm starting to feel…remorse. I'm starting to feel jealous. UGH! _

_I don't know what it is about pigskin that got me so worked up. I try to tell myself that it's because she was rude to me. I try and tell myself it's because she kicked me. I try and tell myself it's because she's a little strange. But really, I know it's all because of Emily. I hate to admit this…but I feel a bit jealous. Not a bit, a lot. Yeah, a lot. It's like acid in my stomach. It's this rage I can't control. I __hate__ thinking that someone could take her away from me. _

_She hasn't mentioned what I said to her at the Halloween party, at all. Like, not once. She wouldn't look me in the eye for a few days after, but then the whole Jenna thing happened with the firecracker and it kinda took the edge off. We had other things to worry about after that. It's kinda gone back to normal now. Sort of. I've been trying to keep my distance a bit. It makes me sad but it's the only way I know how to keep these feelings at bay. I'm trying so, so hard not to care. I think my little episode with Paige shows that I really do, though. Not that Emily knows anything about that. _

_**DESIRE**_

Not necessity, not desire – no,

the love of power is the demon of men.

Let them have everything – health, food, a place to live,

entertainment – they are and remain unhappy and low-spirited: for the demon waits and waits and will be satisfied.

Friedrich Nietzsche

**Five days later**

_I can't stop thinking about her. I haven't been able to sleep for the last three nights. I'm so tired. I haven't been able to concentrate at all…and I made a __huge __mistake._

_I thought when you lost your virginity it was supposed to be magical? I thought you were supposed to see stars? I thought everything was just supposed to just…fall into place. Nobody told me what it was really like. I didn't think much of it at all, to be honest. _

_For one thing…OW! It hurt like hell! Cece made fun of me for that. I rang her up straight after I'd done it to tell her about it and the first thing she said was: "you should have asked me about it first." She said I shouldn't have been on top the first time around. She said it hurts more, that way. Well, thanks for telling me bitch! Too late now! How was I supposed to know? I've never had anyone to talk about that kind of stuff with. _

_People always come to __me__ thinking that I know what I'm talking about. I admit, that's probably my fault. I kind of let everyone think I'm more experienced than I am. I think Ian could tell I was a virgin, though. I didn't tell him, but I think he knew. But I mean…I've __never__ had anybody to talk about it to. I know I probably should have asked Cece the details first, but I didn't want her to make fun of me. I didn't want to admit that I was a virgin. Anyway, I'm not any more._

_He'd been calling me for a while. At first, I ignored it. After everything that's been going on lately I just didn't want to talk to him. He started calling me. And calling me. And __calling__ me. Turns out he had some argument with that witch Melissa. At first I thought she'd found out about his kiss with Spencer, but from his answer phone messages, it turns out she was just pissed because he wanted to get a new car. I know there's no way he'd tell her about his kisses with __me__. He's not that stupid. The only way she'd find out about Spencer is if she was dumb enough to catch them at it. Turns out she's clueless about it all. _

_I hadn't spoken to him since I found out about it. Why should I? The cheating fuck bag! But there was something about his answer phone messages that intrigued me. He seemed genuinely sorry about what had happened. I probably shouldn't have gone to meet him. I swear, I'm getting soft. The old me would have just told him to fuck off and be done with it. I went, though. I went to meet him._

_He drove us out to the woods just up past the lake. He always likes going there it's like he can't get far enough away from town. There's a quiet peace there though, so I know why he likes it. It's sort of like, if nobody can see you, then it didn't really happen. That kinda thing, you know? I'm probably not making any sense. It's just like, secluded, so you can say and do what you like without being bothered by anyone._

_He didn't say much on the drive over there. Neither did I. I spent the entire time thinking about Emily, and Ben, and Jenna, and Paige. Everything was such a mess. It had got to the point in my head where I was so confused about everything that I just didn't care any more. I'd got myself into such a mess…such a vulnerable position…I just couldn't deal._

_I kept thinking about how this thing with Emily needs to go away. Here I was, sitting in a car with a much older boy and all I was thinking about was her. That's not normal. That's not how it's supposed to be. I just couldn't carry on like that. How could I possibly make it through the rest of my life with all these __feelings__ inside? I needed to make them go away. _

_I don't know when I decided to do it…it might have been on the way up to the woods, or it might have been when we took a walk through the trees. I can't pin point exactly when I decided to make myself get over it all. _

_We got to this tree, this really big tree by the water. Ian stopped and finally spoke to me. He told me he was sorry, that he'd never do it again. Spencer was a mistake. Blah, blah, blah. Whatever. He was carving our names into the tree while we spoke. He said he wanted to remember this place as ours. It meant nothing to me, but I let him do it anyway. I wasn't really listening or caring at that point. I think if I hadn't kissed him when I did, then I would have cried. I would have cried so hard over it all that I wouldn't have been able to stop. I'd have cried over everything. It was all too much._

_He didn't seem to mind me kissing him. He pulled me closer and pushed me up against the trunk of the tree. I kissed him back as hard as I could. I don't know what happened after that, I just went into autopilot mode or something. I pushed him to the floor so that he was leaning up against the tree. I think a switch went off in my head. It just flipped. I was determined to do it, I just wanted to __feel__ something else other than all this pain. I just wanted the pain and confusion to go away, even if just for a little while._

_Ian seemed totally into it. I don't know if he knew I was a virgin or not, but I think he did. He let me climb on top of him and pull his pants down. I slipped my hand into his boxers and he was already hard. I hadn't ever felt a guy down there, before. I hope it didn't show on my face. I kissed him hard, slamming his head back into the tree. He seemed to like me being a little rough. I just wanted it to happen fast. I reached under my skirt and pulled my own underwear off. He seemed to understand what was about to happen, then. I didn't let him put his fingers inside me, I just wanted to get on with it. I don't remember being scared, or worried, or even thinking anything at all. All I felt was need. I don't think it was the right kind of need either. It was more…desperation. _

_I used my hand to guide him to my entrance and I lowered myself onto him a lot quicker than I should have done. I felt something tear, inside. It hurt like HELL. I had to squeeze my eyes shut to stop the tears from coming out. I'm not sure whether the pain I was feeling was really physical though, or if it was just everything. It seemed to be everywhere, all at once. There was a searing pain between my legs, but somehow it was inside my head, too. I didn't let him see my pain. I clutched the back of his head and buried my face in his neck to mask the strangled cry that escaped my lips. _

_I felt him let out a satisfied breath, and I felt his hands on my hips. I pulled back to look him in the eyes and I saw him looking up at me. He had a determined look on his face. I don't know what I must have looked like, to him. I hope there were no tears in my eyes. He didn't complain though. I started to move my hips up and down. I'll admit, I didn't know what I was doing at all. He didn't seem to mind though, he just let me ride him. I didn't think it was supposed to hurt that much but wow…wow. It did. _

_The weird thing was, even though it was hurting, it didn't matter. The more it hurt the faster I went. I know I should have slowed down, I probably should have stopped and let him get on top. I didn't know, though. I didn't know anything about it being deeper this way or that virgins shouldn't do it like that for their first time. It's quite fitting, though. I'm always the one on top. I'm kinda glad he didn't get to pin me down. _

_I could hear him letting out little grunts every time I pushed down on him. It was a weird feeling, having someone inside you…I felt impossibly full. I was hoping that I'd start to feel the fullness in my chest, too. But I no matter how hard or fast I fucked Ian, my heart still felt empty. I sped up my movements and with every thrust he moved impossibly deeper. _

_I was going so fast. I think I finally understood the rhythm you were supposed to have in this position. I rolled my hips harder and harder as I clutched at the bark beneath my fingers. I had one hand braced against the tree behind his head just to keep my balance. My other hand was gripping the hair at the nape of his neck and I was staring down at him, straight in the eyes as I moved my hips over his. His hands were helping me move and I could feel them pulling me up and slamming me back down. I could hear my own breathing as I tried to keep up a rhythm with my hips. I sounded breathless, and desperate. Ian probably liked that. It probably sounded like I was feeling intense pleasure, to him. I could feel him getting tense below me. His breathing was strained, and he seemed to be having trouble keeping his eyes open. _

_I knew what was about to happen. I'm not that naïve. I could feel his whole body shaking, and he kissed me again, hard. I knew he was close, I could feel his thrusts getting quicker. I knew it wasn't going to happen for me, though. There was no way I'd have an orgasm, not with my body and mind in this much pain. But Ian…I knew Ian would. I knew I needed to get off of him before he came inside me. I don't even think he was going to tell me it was going to happen. I think if I hadn't got off him when I did then he would have just done it anyway._

_I broke the kiss and lifted myself off of him quickly. He looked a little startled, but I'm glad I did it. He looked angry all of a sudden. I knelt next to him and tried to find my underwear. My hands shook._

"_What the fuck, Ali." He said. "Don't stop now, I'm gonna come. Get back on!" _

_There was no way I was getting back on top of him, the pain of sliding myself off of him had pretty much done me in. I didn't think I could handle any more, the pain between my legs was pulsing. It was like I could still feel him in there. I suddenly had an idea. Revenge. I'd show him not to mess with __me__ again. If there was ever a way of controlling a man, it was through sex. Every girl knows that. _

_I leaned down, my face close to his. I trailed my finger from his lips all the way down his clothed chest, and stopped just below his navel. I think he thought I was going to jack him off or something. His breathing was laboured and he looked like he was anticipating my hand to grab him and just…start stroking. I glanced down. I could see his hard length. It must have been torture for him, getting so close and then stopping. _

_I smirked. I wiggled my finger at him. "Uh-uh, Ian, not this time. That's what you get for kissing Spencer. Consider us even. If you're lucky I might let you come next time. If there is a next time."_

_His face! I don't think I'd ever seen a more annoyed expression. I think I'd got him though. I think having sex with me had finally put him under my control. He looked up at me, his expression softening once he realised I was playing him. He wasn't as mad as I thought he'd be. I think now that he'd finally had me, he realised that if he wanted to __keep__ having me, and escape his boring little life with witch-face, then he'd have to suck it up. _

_"Oh, there'll be a next time blondie." He said as he tucked himself back into his pants. "You can count on it." _

_He walked me back to the car and every step I took felt like there was a fire between my legs. I was __so __sore. I think I did a good job of covering it though. I just wanted to get home. I wanted to get home __fast__ and curl up in my bed and pretend it hadn't happened. I'm so good at that, pretending. _

_I tried to laugh it all off. I was alright with him after that. And he was okay with me, too. I think he found the whole exchange quite a turn-on actually. I tried to play the whole thing off as casual sex, like it wasn't the most important moment of my whole adult life. But it was…and it was against a tree, in the woods, with someone I didn't even like that much. If I think too much about it, I'll cry. I don't know why I did it. I just wanted it all to be over. I wanted to skip this whole confusing teenage part of my youth and finally become an adult. I thought sex would do that. I thought it would make me feel better. I don't know why I expected it to erase all my confusion, but I did. It didn't work, though. If anything…I've now got one more regret to add to my list. _

_So I'm no longer a virgin. I don't feel any different inside __at all.__ Instead of gaining all this…perspective I thought I'd have, I've just got the same feelings I had before. Why is that? Is there nothing in this universe that can make this all go away._

_I lay in bed that night and I thought about Ian. I thought about what happened. There wasn't one tender touch about it…not one loving moment. It was just carnal. Just a carnal nothingness that had hurt…a lot. It hurts my heart, too. Everything hurts. I called Cece that night and told her what had happened. She told me I'd done it all wrong, of course. She asked me "well…did you at least have an orgasm." And I told her I had. It was easy to lie. _

_When she asked me what it felt like I just remembered back to how I felt in my dream, with Emily. Sweet Emily…what have I done? _

**Authors note: Well! Ali is getting more confused by the second! I feel quite sorry for her! I'm very very interested to see that you guys think of this chapter, I'm sure there will be mixed opinions but I'm trying to move Ali forward in her thought process and show how and why she makes the decisions she does. I know that there will be the odd canon timeline change here and there but I'm trying my best to keep it as close to the show as possible. **

**It's very difficult to keep it exactly the same as so much happens in the show that there's bound to be a few changes here or there but I'm hoping you guys won't mind! Please let me know your thoughts I'm dying to know what you guys think of Ali now! We are finally at the library/Paris part of the story and I know you guys are really wanting to read that so I'll say bye now so I can start writing it :) love you all thanks so much for your feedback and reviews you guys are helping me immensely! I love you all. My Twitter is hauntedtwilight **


	14. Sweet Paris

**Authors Note: Hi guys! Sorry it took a little longer to update this time! thanks for you patience. I accidentally deleted the whole draft so I had to start again! It was very frustrating losing everything but I did manage to add some new lines in so I think it worked out well in the end! I hope so anyway! That's for you to decide! I know Ali was quite shocking in the last chapter but I think she's a character who just does things without thinking about the consequences sometimes. She's a very impulsive person and she has no idea at all how to properly deal with her feelings, so she did what I feel the character in the show probably did. We know she's not a virgin in the show so I had to add it in there to show the difference between her and Emily. Emily stopped Ben, but Ali didn't stop with Ian. I wanted to show that Ali and Emily are dealing with their feelings for each other in very different ways. Ali will do anything to keep pushing hers away, but Emily is slowly accepting hers. I felt this was more genuine to the show as I'm trying to keep it fairly canon. We are finally at sweet Paris! I can't wait to hear what you think of it please let me know you guys are the only thing that keep me going! Your comments and reviews mean the world to me, you're all SO helpful in the decision making process. It makes this story run in the right direction. Love you all! **

Sometimes a moment can be so perfect it can stop time. You feel frozen, as if every part of you is fused with the world in a perfect synchronicity that doesn't end. You stand still, and the world moves. It turns around you, spinning faster and faster; the colours of life blurring as you stand inside an impenetrable bubble. It makes your heart race, it takes your breath away, and it makes you smile just that little bit brighter. The world turns, and you watch it spin. But if you're not careful, if you don't keep your eyes on something still, you can lose your balance. You can't see that you're about to fall.

The moment Emily first laid eyes on Alison, her world changed. She had no idea at the time, but it had changed. Emily felt as though she was sinking. She was sinking a little deeper, every day, and nobody even noticed. The current had pulled her down, and now she stared through murky water. She felt as if she was building to something…some monumental event in her life that would change everything. She just didn't know what it was. Her life had become infinitely complicated by feelings that were beyond her control.

Emily sat at her desk in her French class, staring out of the window at the birds as they pecked at the grass. She held her head in her hand, and she tapped her pen absently against her book.

She was acutely aware of the blonde girl sat two seats over, and she tried her hardest not to look over. Things between her and Alison had been a little strained, lately. It wasn't that they weren't speaking, it was just that Emily had the distinct notion that Ali was avoiding her. She seemed different. Emily had noticed that she hadn't been texting her as much as usual, and both times Emily had text her to see if she wanted to hang out with her and the girls, she had turned her down.

She had thought about asking Ali about it, but she didn't have the courage. Ali would probably tell her she was being stupid, and Emily couldn't find the right time to ask. She wondered if it was because of what had happened in Alison's room. The whole exchange had been…exhilarating, and Emily wasn't sure what to make of it all. Every time she thought back to that day, she blushed. She could still hear Alison's lips at her ear, whispering to her to close her eyes.

Ali had traced her fingers across Emily's skin in the most delicious way. She was teasing, and gentle, but sensual and hard at the same time. Emily felt completely intoxicated by only the memory of it. Alison had even pressed her lips to Emily's neck, once. Emily could still feel the burn in her heart that had started as soon as the blonde touched her. Emily couldn't believe how strongly she had reacted to the lightest of Alison's touches. She was shivering and almost faint by the time Ali trailed her hand to the hem of her shirt. She couldn't even speak, she was that turned on. In that moment she felt like she couldn't possibly feel any more connected to another human being…it was unlike any sensation she had felt with any other person in her entire life.

Then, the impossible had happened. Emily couldn't believe it had actually gone that far, but Ali had run her fingers up the side of her stomach, pausing to trace her rib bones as Emily's heart had hammered in her chest. Then, all of a sudden, she placed her hand directly over Emily's breast, over the top of her bra. As soon as Emily was sure it had happened, her hand was gone. But Emily _knew _it had happened, that time. There was no imagining _that_ feeling. In that second, time stopped for Emily. All she could feel was Alison's fingertips against her skin, and an immeasurable pleasure building inside her body. If Ali hadn't pulled away when she did, Emily would have kissed her. She was sure of it.

She couldn't stop replaying the entire scene over and over in her head. She ached to be alone with Ali again. She knew Ali had wanted her to feel normal. She knew Alison had said she was only trying to help her by touching her like that, but Emily didn't care. She didn't care at all. All she wanted was to have that feeling again.

Ali hadn't given her the chance, though. Emily had only seen her a few times since it had happened. She would meet Emily sometimes in the locker room after swim practice, but just lately another girl had been in there, every day. The two of them just never got any privacy any more. Alison had come over to her house, once, saying she needed to get away from her mom for a while. She hadn't stayed long, though. Her and Emily had only been alone for a few minutes drinking their sodas before Ali had checked her phone and abruptly stated that she had to leave. The whole thing seemed very odd. Emily couldn't put her finger on what was going on, but she was beginning to worry. She didn't want Ali to be avoiding her. That was the _last_ thing she wanted, but she could tell that there was something wrong. Things just weren't normal.

Her relationship with Ben was still going strong. She had decided to get over the fact that he had told everyone they'd had sex. She hadn't mentioned it to him but she was actually quite relieved that people thought she wasn't a virgin any more. It just made everything _easier. _She knew she shouldn't be relieved, she knew it was wrong…but she still hadn't told him off about it. She figured if she let him have his way and tell people what he needed to, then her life would be easier.

The Jenna thing had happened, of course. Emily wasn't quite as over it as everyone else was. Everybody seemed to just be able to sweep it under the rug and pretend it hadn't happened, but Emily was having a harder time dealing with it than everyone else. Ali had made it perfectly clear that they weren't to talk about it any more. There were lots of things Alison didn't want to talk about lately, it seemed. The trouble was, the more she was told not to say anything about any of it, the more Emily wanted to just let it all out. She knew she couldn't, though. They'd get in trouble. Even though it was _Alison_ who had thrown the firecracker, they had _all _been there. They were all equally to blame. It had been an accident, though. Emily was sure of that.

Emily could faintly hear her French teacher calling out words from the front of the class, but she wasn't really listening. She was lost in the world beyond the window, watching the birds flock on the grass. It all seemed so peaceful out there compared to Emily's head. Her head just felt full of questions, and problems, and confusion. She wished it would stop.

Emily was a million miles away when she felt something hard ping off the side of her head, suddenly. She looked around, startled.

The brunette frowned. She glanced down at her notebook to see a small crumpled up piece of paper. She looked around for the culprit. She figured it was probably one of Ben's friends again, asking her something stupid. They had taken to calling things out to her as she walked past them in the halls. She would usually look down and blush whenever they would shout things out at her. "Hey, Fields, I heard you like it rough!" Was their particular favourite. She thought they'd be bored of it by now though, she never answered them and it had been a little while since the thing with Ben. She felt like it was best to ignore it and eventually it would stop.

_Haven't they found someone else to gossip about yet? _Emily thought. _Surely this isn't still interesting to them. _Ben was sat a couple of rows in front of her with his friends, and the note had come from the side, so she soon realised that it hadn't come from any of them.

She took one last glance around the room, but everyone's eyes were looking towards the front of class.

She unfolded the small piece of paper carefully and dropped her hands down to her lap so that she could read it without being seen. She recognised the handwriting as soon as she saw it. Ali had written her the note.

Written on the note in a light pink bubblegum-scented scrawl, were the words: **Follow my lead.**

Emily was confused. _Follow my lead? Follow it where? What's she talking about?_

She looked over at the blonde. Alison was looking innocently towards the front of class, her eyes following their teacher as she wrote words on the black board. Emily tried to catch her eye but Ali never looked over. _What is she doing? _Emily thought. She couldn't understand what Ali had meant by the note. She was glad Alison was finally talking to her though, even if it was only in note form._ Maybe things are going to go back to normal after all. Maybe this weirdness is all in my head._

She watched as every now and again, Alison would pick up a small water bottle and take little sips out of it. Emily couldn't help but stare at her lips. She would watch Ali's throat as she swallowed, and her own throat would get dry. She instantly imagined kissing her there, and her mind went straight back to the time Ali had trailed her fingers down her neck. She was slow, and sensual, and teasing. It made Emily shiver at the memory of it. She could still _feel_ the pressure of the blondes fingers against her skin as she had sat on the bed, her eyes closed…and her heart racing.

Every single thing about Ali was _so _sexy to Emily. She felt like she would never get bored of watching her. She knew every move the girl made, by now. Her sun kissed hair hung in perfect waves around her face, and once in a while, Ali would reach up with her expertly manicured nails and tuck a lock of it behind her ear. She would always do it so slowly, as if she wasn't even thinking about it. Emily would just wait, and watch. _God this is why you can't stare at her all the time. You have to stop looking. This is driving you crazy. It's just making it harder not to kiss her, and you know you can't. Stop looking. She wants me to follow her…I'll follow her anywhere, just to watch her do these mundane things…just to watch her tuck her hair behind her ear. This is too much, but I need it._

Emily didn't understand what Alison wanted her to do. She knew she had to "follow her lead" but follow it _where? _She folded the piece of paper into quarters and hid it inside her pocket to throw away later.

Emily thought she'd be able to wait until the end of class to find out what Alison's note meant. She quickly found that she just couldn't hold on that long though. She coughed loudly and ripped a page from her notebook as discreetly as she could. She heard a snigger to the right of her and glanced over to see Mona Vanderwaal laughing. _Great, that wasn't too obvious, then_. She thought. Mona quickly darted her eyes back to her work once she noticed that Emily had seen her.

Emily shifted in her seat, holding her elbow across her notebook. She tried to make it look like she was taking notes on the very confusing French verses being written out on the board as she folded the ripped page underneath her work. She took her own pen out and began to write Ali a message back.

**What's going on? **She wrote.

She watched until her teacher, Mrs lance, had her back turned to the class again before throwing the note over towards Alison. It came to a stop right in the middle of Alison's notebook. The brunette looked over towards Alison cautiously and waited for some kind of acknowledgement. Ali stopped writing briefly as the note landed in front of her. She quickly grabbed it and tucked her hand under the table. She never looked up at Emily once.

Emily felt slightly nervous and she didn't know why. It wasn't abnormal for friends to send notes in class, her and Aria would do it all the time. But this time, Emily felt unsure of Alison's intentions. The thing with Ali was, she could be quite unpredictable. Emily couldn't be sure if she would send a note back, or if she would just ignore it altogether, even though she had sent one first.

Emily's boyfriend Ben was sitting three seats in front of her and she was slightly nervous that he would turn around and see her sending notes. _Why are you so worried? You're not doing anything wrong_. She told herself. She couldn't quite shake the thought that she _was_ though, and she felt a little guilty for it.

Emily began to overthink. _You're just sending a message to a friend, it's harmless. I wonder when she'll send one back. I wonder what it'll say. God, stop being so obsessive. It's only a note. It probably means something stupid. I wonder if she didn't mean to send it to me. Well who's she sending notes to if its not to me? Stop! You're acting jealous! You're with Ben. You shouldn't be thinking about her._

"Emily, what do you think?" Mrs Lance asked suddenly.

_Shit. Shit. Think about what? Fuck I haven't been listening at all. _She thought, panicking.

"Uhh." Emily stuttered, feeling incredibly embarrassed. Her cheeks went bright red and she tried to think of something to say quickly.

"Um...I'm sorry, what was the question?" Emily asked timidly.

Her teacher looked mildly annoyed.

_Please, please, please ask someone else. Oh my god everyone is staring at me_.

Ben turned fully around in his seat and grinned broadly at Emily. "The question was..." His voice boomed loudly. "Voulay vous coucher avec mer? Ce sar?" He broke into a deafening laugh, followed by an echo of laughter from his friends. Emily wasn't sure if his friends were laughing because he said it wrong, or because he was trying to say _would you sleep with me tonight?_

Emily heard his friend Mark snicker "too late" and watched as Ben reached across to punch him casually on the arm.

Mrs Lance scowled at the three boys. "That's quite enough of that thank you, Mr Coogan.

Emily's cheeks flamed with colour as she flushed with embarrassment.

Mrs Lance turned to Ben again. "So Ben, what do _you_ think the verb would be in this sentence?" She pointed to the board.

It was Ben's time to look embarrassed, now. "Uhh…un…Frencho…la…le?" He said, knowing full well that he didn't have a clue.

"Funnily enough, that's not right, is it Mr Coogan. Maybe you need to take some extra classes with me? Perhaps on your lunch break?" Mrs Lance said sternly. She gave Ben one last glare before going back to the blackboard.

Ben wasn't laughing now. Emily couldn't help but be a little happy that he had got into trouble. She felt a little mean, but she was irritated that he had embarrassed her in front of everyone. _I'll have to tell him off about it later._ She thought. _Maybe he did it to save me from having to answer the question. Still, even if he did, he didn't have to say that! _She thought.

Emily looked over at Ali to see if she could catch her eye. The blonde was looking straight ahead towards the front of class. She looked extremely annoyed and Emily couldn't figure out why. Her blue eyes were narrow and her mouth was pressed into a tight line. Emily couldn't wait for the class to end so that she could just _speak _to her. She could tell that something was wrong and she _really _wanted to know what it was.

Emily thought she would have to at least _try_ to copy the words from the board down. She had hardly done any work at all and she didn't want to get behind. French wasn't one of her best subjects, she always had issues with language. She wasn't even that good at talking in general, really. She was the shy, quiet one and she always had trouble expressing herself. Emily was much more of a physical being. The only thing she was really _great_ at was swimming. Languages seemed to go straight over her head.

Emily started copying the first three phrases down. She tried to concentrate on the words in front of her but she was far too distracted. As she was about to take down the fourth phrase, another note landed straight in front of her on her notebook. Emily's heart jumped a little seeing the little white note in front of her. _Why can't I stop myself from feeling this way. It's just a damn note, why are you so excited. _Emily wondered. She couldn't help how she felt about Ali, though. She knew these feelings were dangerous. She knew she couldn't carry on this way, she knew it wasn't right. Her boyfriend was sitting just in front of her, a few rows down. Still, no matter how hard she tried to stop herself, she couldn't help the way her body reacted. It was as if even the mere mention of Alison's name sent off fireworks inside her skin.

Emily hurriedly unfolded the note. She couldn't help the small smile that crept over her face as she read the words which were written in Alison's familiar pink writing.

**I want to talk to you, alone. Just go with what I say, okay? X**

Emily's eyes fixed on the small X written on the note. It was ridiculous how giddy a small little letter could make her feel. She knew it was silly, but even this small token of affection made her heart ache. A kiss can mean many things. Written down, it seems like such a small insignificant thing, but the mere hint of the memory of what it is in its entirety, can consume you. Emily felt consumed by every single part of Alison. And so, that little note with the kiss on it ended up tucked safely inside the pocket of Emily's jeans. She wouldn't throw that one away.

Emily ripped another page from her notebook, making sure she was a little quieter about it this time. She wrote back in her small handwriting. It took a little courage to say what she was about to write, but she couldn't stop herself. She just had to say it, and saying it through note-form was much easier than saying it to Alison's face.

**I've missed being alone with you. **

Emily stared at the note for a few seconds, and then decided to add a small **X** at the end. She couldn't help the small smile that graced her lips. She took aim while her teacher wasn't looking and launched the note straight at Ali's desk, a little _too_ hard. Emily watched in horror as the note pinged off the side of Alison's desk and onto the floor, landing right in the middle of the room.

_FUCK! _Emily thought, panicking. Her note now sat in the middle of the floor in perfect view of Mrs Lance. Of course, her teacher decided that that was the perfect time to turn around, and Emily watched as her eyes traveled from Emily to the floor. Her eyes fixed on the small piece of paper, and she glared.

Emily looked over at Alison, who had seen the entire exchange. Ali looked at Emily with a panicked expression, mixed with a look that told Emily that the blonde thought she was a total idiot for throwing it so obviously.

"Miss Fields! Would you like to pick up your little message and bring it to the front of the class, please, I'm sure we would _all _love to hear what is so important that you couldn't wait until after class to say." Miss Lance said sternly.

_Fuck! No! No, no, no! She's going to make me read it out! What the hell is Ben going to think! Oh my god this is awful!_ Emily thought, panicking. She could hear the sniggers from her classmates as they all stared at her.

Emily took a deep breath. She could feel the eyes of everyone in the room looking at her. She was about to stand up, when she saw Alison suddenly dart to her feet. Emily halted as she watched Ali rush quickly to where the note was. She bent down and picked up the piece of paper. Ali walked back to her desk. She grabbed her water bottle and dropped the note inside, shaking the water so that it was covering the paper.

Mrs Lance looked livid. "Miss DiLaurentis, WHAT do you think you're doing." She practically shouted.

Ali stood her ground. She never flinched even once. She stood straight upright and put her hand on her hip in a defiant expression. Nobody was looking at Emily any more. All eyes were on Alison as she held up the water bottle. The piece of paper had turned to mush inside the water, it's message now completely destroyed. Ali faced the teacher, and said in her cattiest voice "sorry, but your nosey self should stay out of other people's business."

Emily looked at Alison in absolute shock. She couldn't believe what had just happened. Ali had just saved her from total embarrassment, but at the same time she had probably just landed herself in about a months worth of detention.

Mrs Lance stared at the blonde. Ali could be quite intimidating, even to an adult, and Emily could see that the teacher was slightly taken back at being challenged so brazenly.

"You can say goodbye to your lunch break young lady." She said as Alison sat down. She turned to Emily next. "And you too, Miss Fields. The two of you need to learn some manners."

Emily nodded and took her seat. She heard Ben protesting from the front of the class, but she didn't dare look up, she was too embarrassed. She didn't hear what Ben said, her heart was hammering too loudly inside her body.

She heard Mrs Lance respond to Ben, though, in an extremely irritated voice. "Unless you want to join her, you'll learn to eat your lunch without her. I'm sure you can manage that." The teacher said.

Emily glanced sideways at Ali. She caught the blondes eye. Ali had a smirk on her face. She shot Emily a look that said 'you're welcome.' Emily smiled back. _Wow I can't believe she just did that. _She thought. Ali winked at her quickly, giving the brunette one last smirk that made her heart flutter.

A loud, shrill ringing sounded out from the bell at the front of the room. Emily was relieved for the class to be over. Until she remembered that she had to stay behind, that is. She stayed seated as everyone gathered their things and left the room. Alison sat in her seat also, with a defiant expression on her face and her arms crossed.

As everyone filtered their way out of the room, Ben called out to Emily as he reached the door. "Hey babe! Don't worry I'll get you some food. See you later."

"Thanks, Ben. I'll catch up with you later, okay." Emily called back. She was still slightly irritated at his earlier comment, but at least he had offered to get her some food. It made Emily feel even more guilty about the content of her note, and the way she was currently feeling about the blonde sitting next to her. Ben left the room with a wave in the girls direction. Ali did not wave back.

Mrs Lance walked over to the two girls with her arms crossed, mirroring Alison.

"I don't know what's got into the two of you today. Do you want to explain to me what that was all about?" She asked, looking from Emily to Alison.

Ali said nothing, she just stared back. The last thing Emily wanted to do was get into _more_ trouble, so she attempted to smooth over the situation.

"I'm really sorry, Mrs Lance, it was my fault. I threw the note. Ali was just trying to help me out, I'm sorry. It won't happen again." She said as sincerely as she could.

"Emily, you're a little behind in this class already. You really need to be paying attention and learning these verbs. It's going to be an important part of the tests coming up and you need to be focusing, not sending notes to your friends. You can socialise on your own time. I appreciate the apology, but I want you to sit here and copy down the text from the board. I expect you to know this next class, and I have a feeling not a lot of work got done today." She said pointedly, indicating to Emily's notebook, which only had four lines written in it.

"I understand. I'm sorry, again." Emily said bashfully.

Mrs Lance nodded. She turned to Alison, whom she gave an extremely unpleasant look to.

"And you, young lady. What makes you think you have the authority in this class? I am the teacher here, not you. You will show the proper respect to members of this faculty. You have some serious growing up to do. I won't have this attitude from you in my class, do you understand me?" She said.

Ali gave her an unimpressed look. "Is that supposed to scare me?" She scoffed.

_Oh shit. Ali don't make this worse it's bad enough as it is, please. _Emily prayed.

"No. But maybe a phone call to your parents will?" The teacher questioned.

Alison's defiant expression faltered for a brief moment, and Mrs Lance knew she had caught her.

"That's what I thought." She said, satisfied. "Now I have a meeting to go to. I want you two to sit here and copy that board. You will not _move_ until the end of lunch, is that clear? If you leave this room I _will_ know about it, mark my words. I will check your work tomorrow and it had all better be _pristinely _copied down. I mean it." She said pointedly, raising her eyebrow at the two girls.

"It's clear." Emily said quietly.

"Fine." Alison said, irritated.

Mrs Lance took one last look at the girls as she gathered up her briefcase and left the room.

"Bitch." Alison added, as she was only _just _out of earshot.

Emily turned quickly to Alison. "Oh my god? Are you _trying _to get us a months worth of detention?" She laughed.

Alison shrugged. "Oh, whatever. She doesn't scare me. Besides, _you _throw like a girl! What the hell kind of aim do you have, anyway? If anyone got us into trouble it was you!" She joked.

Emily laughed again. "Me! You're the one who decided to piss her off! What was that thing with the bottle, anyway! I swear that was, like, super fast thinking. I'm impressed."

"Yeah, well. Someone had to save your sorry ass." Ali smirked. "Besides…" She trailed off. "I didn't know what was in the note…so…" She said with a shrug.

"Yeah, I guess I didn't want to read that out publicly." Emily admitted in a quiet voice.

Ali looked curious. "Why? What was in it, anyway?" She asked. She tilted her head slightly at Emily.

"Nothing…it doesn't matter." Emily said, suddenly feeling shy. She realised that this was the first time her and Alison had properly spoken in quite a while.

Ali continued to stare at her. Her eyes sparkled as they narrowed at the made Emily feel nervous. She always felt like an open book when it came to Ali. She always felt like the blonde could read every expression on her face and know exactly what she was thinking. She felt like nobody else had ever known her better than Alison did. Ali would look at her with such a scrutinising expression that Emily felt like she had X-Ray vision.

"You sure?" Ali said quietly.

Emily blushed as she nodded.

"Ali…what did you mean when you said follow my lead?" Emily asked with a frown.

Alison chuckled. "Oh, well you already screwed that up. I had this whole plan to ask Mrs Lance if we could use this room at lunch today to practice for our English test. I heard her talking about her meeting outside the staff room earlier, so I knew she wouldn't be in here."

_Oh my god, she totally played the teacher. She wanted to be in here, after all!_

"What! You sneaky little...you _wanted_ to be in here?" Emily said, startled.

"Well I didn't _exactly_ plan on being forced to copy notes about boring French verbs but yeah, I was going to ask her if we could use the room. Guess your bad aim helped me out, huh." Ali sniggered.

"I can't believe you!" Emily said, shocked. "So you pulled that stunt with the bottle to get us in trouble on purpose?"

"No. That kinda just worked out on its own. I hid the note because I didn't want you to read it out." Ali concluded.

"Okay...I'm a little confused, but I think I get it. Why did you want to study for the English test? I thought you said you didn't give a crap about that? And why did you want me to be in here too?" Emily asked.

She hoped Ali was going to say it was because she wanted to be alone with her, and the blonde didn't disappoint. Ali looked down for a second. She seemed to struggle with her words a little.

"It's just…" She started. She took a deep breath and looked Emily straight in the eyes. I wanted…I wanted to have some time alone with you." Ali said a little shakily. "I just…haven't seen much of you lately…" Ali trailed off. She looked down for a second, and then wouldn't meet Emily's eyes again.

Emily was about to respond when Alison spoke again in a small voice. "I've missed you." She said sadly.

_Wow. She did miss me. I've missed you so much Ali. You have no idea._

"You did? It kinda seemed like you…like you've been a little busy, lately." Emily said hesitantly.

Ali stood up from her seat. She turned away from Emily and lifted her arms slightly. She shrugged, slapping her arms back down to her sides. "Yeah. Things have been kinda…crazy for me. I don't know, I guess I just needed a little time to process some stuff." She said honestly.

"Stuff? You mean…Jenna?" Emily asked tentatively. She knew Jenna wasn't Alison's favourite subject.

Ali twirled around and looked at Emily in a way the brunette knew meant she shouldn't have said the dreaded name. "Emily, I don't wanna talk about that." Alison perched herself on top of the desk next to Emily. Emily had to tilt her head a little to look up at her.

"Sorry." Emily said. _I wish she would just talk to me about it. We can't keep pretending it didn't happen. She hasn't spoken to anyone. I wonder how she feels about it all. Maybe she just feels like she can't talk to me. _Emily thought sadly.

The room went quiet for a few seconds. Emily didn't think Ali would speak again but the blonde surprised her.

"Yeah. Okay. The Jenna thing is bothering me. Of course it is, but it's done, Em. We can't do anything about it now_. I know _I keep pushing it away, but its for the best. We_ all_ need to forget it. Secrets like that…if they're not contained…they always have a way of coming straight back to bite you." Ali cautioned.

"I just want you to know. If you do want to talk to me about it, you can. You can talk to me abo_ut anything _Ali. I'll always be here for you. I won't ever say anything to anyone. You can trust me." Emily said with quiet sincerity.

Alison smiled her signature half smile and tilted her head to look at Emily in an endearing way. "Oh, I know. I know Emily. I trust you completely." Her voice rang out like sweet wind chimes. "You're the only one…" She trailed off quietly.

Emily frowned in a questioning manner. _The only one what?_

Alison's eyes flickered across Emily's face. She searched the brunette for a second before standing up and walking over to lightly rest her hand on Emily's face. The brunette felt her soft fingers cup the side of her face gently as her thumb lightly brushed her cheek. The touch was electric, but so, _so _gentle. Emily looked up at Alison, slightly startled.

Alison bent down so that she was eye to eye with Emily. "You're the only person I trust in this _entire_ world. Ever. Emily you're the most sincere person I know. I know I might be a guarded person…but I have my reasons. It's never to deliberately keep anything from you. There are just some things…there are some things I need to deal with on my own." Ali concluded. She moved her hand across to Emily's ear and brushed a strand of her hair behind her ear. Emily could feel her fingertips lightly graze the size of her neck and she sighed at the contact. "Thank you, Em. You're honestly one of a kind. I'm glad you're there for me. I really am. I don't know what I'd do without you." Alison smiled at the brunette. She brought her hand down to rest in her lap. She stood up and leaned against Emily's desk, looking down at her notebook.

Emily smiled back. She felt more relieved than she could ever possibly express. She had spent all this time feeling cut off from Alison and she finally felt like things were getting back to normal. Whatever had happened, she knew they could get through it now. As long as she had Ali, she could deal with anything.

"I don't know what I'd do without you, either." Emily said as honestly as she could. She wasn't sure if she should bring up the next subject, but she couldn't stop herself.

"I thought…I thought you might be avoiding me." She murmured.

Ali looked confused. "Avoiding you? Why would I be avoiding you?" She asked warily. Ali looked a little unsure all of a sudden, and she walked across the room with her back to Emily. She began fiddling with some of the postcards from France that her teacher had put into a pile at the side of the room.

Emily watched her walk away, as she quite often did. _Sometimes she's so sweet. She's so open, it feels like I can really talk to the real Ali. Then she just shuts down again. One minute she's there, and the next it's like a totally different person. _

"It's nothing. I guess I was probably just imagining it." Emily said, backing out of the conversation. _Or maybe I thought you were avoiding me because the last time we were alone in a room together you kissed my neck and put your hand up my shirt and I think I almost had an orgasm. That's all. But I guess it just doesn't mean anything to you. _Emily thought sadly. She fiddled with her pen nervously. She _really_ wanted to talk to Ali about what had happened but she was scared to death of the blondes reaction.

Ali twirled around, the postcards in hand. She strode over to the desk next to Emily and perched on top of it again in her pretty pink dress. Emily tried not to look at her legs but at that angle, she couldn't help herself. _Shit I hope she didn't see me checking her out. _She darted her eyes back to her notebook quickly. She thought she heard the blonde give a small chuckle. _Fuck. Why can't I stop looking. I wish we could talk about what happened. I cant ask her, though. She's just going to say it was all practice and it was all fun and games. Why is it that it doesn't seem so funny when we're alone?_

Emily opened her notes and tried to start copying down the phrases on the board. She didn't dare look at Ali properly again. She was sure the blonde had caught her looking at her legs.

She could hear Alison doing something with the postcards. She watched her slightly from the corner of her eye as the blonde placed them in front of her on the desk. Emily couldn't quite see, but it seemed like the was making some sort of collage.

_What is she doing? She doesn't care at all if she gets in trouble. Typical Ali. _Emily laughed to herself and smiled. Alison was always so predictable, she never cared about getting in trouble. Emily was always one to do as she was told, and Ali was always unpredictable. _That's probably why I like her so much. She's so strong. I doubt anything could break that girl. _

Ali glanced sideways at Emily, finally catching her eye. The two girls smirked at each other.

"We're supposed to be studying." Emily chided sweetly, indicating to the postcards.

Ali grinned back and continued to line up the postcards next to one another on the desk. There were pictures of sail boats, flower gardens, and various French landmarks. Ali looked determined as she arranged them into piles.

Emily stopped writing. She just _had _to ask. "Are you planning a trip?"

Ali turned to Emily and gave her a broad smile. Her eyes twinkled with flirtation. "You and me, in sweet Paris...how does that sound? She asked sweetly, inclining her head towards Emily. She gave Emily a look that said she knew _exactly_ how Emily would feel about that. There was a mischievous look in the blondes eyes as she held Emily's gaze for much longer than necessary.

_That sounds amazing. _Emily thought. _God Em, if you keep staring at her, you're going to get lost in her eyes forever. You need to concentrate! You need to copy these phrases or you're gonna fail French! _

Emily decided to try and change the subject back to their work. There was no way she was going to get through this detention with Ali without kissing her if she didn't stop looking into those blue eyes. _She's so gorgeous. I would travel anywhere with her. I'd literally go to the ends of the Earth just to spend one entire day alone with her. I wonder what it would be like to kiss her under that hot sun…to hold her hair in my hands and pull her face…OH MY GOD get on with your work! Stop! _

"Maybe we should learn how to parle Français before we go?" Emily said. She opened her notebook to a new page as if to indicate her desire to learn the words. _Wow she would sound amazing speaking fluent French. The words would roll right off her tongue. _

"Well…we could start in the south of France…dancing through sunflower fields…" Alison started. Emily looked up at the blonde as she spoke. There was no way she was studying now, it was just too hard. She wanted to hear about this imaginary trip _much _more than she wanted to learn French. Alison looked at Emily with a slight half-smile…as if she knew she had hooked Emily into the idea. "Hmm…Lounging around in our bikinis in the French Riviera…" She added wistfully.

Emily's imagination was on autopilot. As soon as Ali had said the wor_d bikini_, Emily's mind automatically filled with scenes of the blonde standing half naked in just her swimwear. She could picture Alison climbing out of a large pool, dripping with water as it ran down her toned body. She could see the strands of her honey hair as she flipped it over her shoulder. And the bikini…she could see it clinging to the blondes body…the wet material hugging her breasts tightly…the water droplets running down her neck slowly to her cleavage. Emily's mouth was suddenly very dry.

Alison gazed at Emily with a knowing look. It was as if she knew exactly what the brunette was thinking about. She smirked as her eyes danced with flirtation. She turned her face back to her postcards.

"You'd look _so_ good on top of the Eiffel Tower." She said wistfully. Ali's voice seemed a million miles away, and Emily wondered if she was picturing the same kind of things as she was. _My god, I would do anything to have this trip with you. We could spend all night and all day together, blissfully alone. _Emily pictured her and Alison stood on top of the famous monument, snapping pictures on their cameras. She imagined the excited look on Alison's faces as they took in the view. _I wouldn't even need the view. I just need you. You're enough. You're every landscape…every picture…every view I would ever need for the rest of my life. _

The brunette stood up, suddenly needing to be closer to Ali. She walked across the short distance between their desks and leaned over to look at Ali's pictures. She stood so close that she could smell Alison's sweet perfume.

The blondes hand was settled on a picture of the Eiffel Tower. Emily went to touch it with her hand, too. She reached over and ran her fingers along the photograph. Just as her hand settled on the photo, Ali's fingers brushed her own. Their hands were side by side, touching just slightly in the most innocent of ways. It didn't _feel _innocent though. In that moment, as their hands accidentally brushed, Emily felt the most loving feeling she had ever felt flow through her body. She felt warm, and safe, and excited all at the same time. Their hands lingered against each other, and Emily brought hers down a little to clasp Alison's thumb with her hand, slightly. They were barely touching, but the contact felt so deeply intimate that it shocked Emily. Her heart hammered inside her body, and her breath caught in her chest as an overwhelming feeling of love washed over her like a tidal wave. Emily looked up at Alison. She was mildly startled at the reaction her body had had and she looked into Ali's eyes to see the blondes response. What she saw melted her heart. Ali was smiling at her in the most endearing way. She was gazing lovingly at Emily as the brunette shyly smiled back.

Ali took one last long look at Emily before turning her eyes back to her desk. She gathered up the photographs into a messy pile.

Emily felt _so_ hooked into Ali in that moment, and she didn't want it to end. _If I don't speak now, I'll kiss her. I will. I'll kiss her and I won't be able to stop. _

"How long are we going away for?" She asked quietly. She was surprised she could speak at all. _What I want from you, I might not ever be able to have…but I'll try. I will try._

Ali hesitated for a long time, her eyes never leaving the desk. Emily looked her up and down, waiting for a response. Just as she thought Alison wouldn't answer, the blonde grasped the pile of photos and rested them on the desk. She turned to face emily and looked her straight in the eyes.

"How about forever?" She asked in the most sweet and deeply sincere way that Emily had ever heard her speak.

Emily was speechless. She couldn't even form the words she needed to respond. She just smiled back at the blonde in agreement. She knew she didn't have to say anything. With the way she was feeling, it was sure to be written all over her face. Ali didn't seem to care, though. She didn't look like she cared one bit. She seemed just as into the idea as Emily did, and this left Emily with a light, giddy feeling inside her body. She was utterly enamoured by the girl in front of her.

_I feel like she's the sun, and I'm the moon. My soul orbits hers like a satellite. She burns so bright that I hide away, but I don't want to be afraid any more. She's all I see. I'm blinded by her light. She's so dynamic, and forceful. I can't hide in the shadows forever. This light will consume me. I can't escape this feeling. I love her so much. I am so, so deeply in love with her that I can't deny it any more. I don't even care if I'm not supposed to feel this way. I love her. I'll always love her. Forever. _Emily thought.

She finally came to the conclusion that she couldn't hide from her feelings any more. It wasn't the kiss that had done it, or the smirks, or even the touches they had shared. It was all in the way Ali looked at her. Emily never felt so special or so perfect to anyone in all her life as she did when Alison gazed at her the way she did. She just couldn't take her eyes off of her. She was _everything _to Emily. She just couldn't hold it back any more. She had spent so long trying to tell herself these feelings she was having for her friend were wrong, and that she wasn't normal. But it was the realisation that she just didn't _care _any more if she was normal that finally did it. If she could feel this feeling all the time, then who cared what people thought she was. If it made her feel like_ this_ then how could it be wrong. Everything about Ali felt _right._

_I have to tell her. I need to tell her that I love her. I need her to know. I need her to know how she makes me feel. I can't hide this any more. It's impossible. She can see it all over my face anyway. I need to share this feeling before it consumes me._

Emily stepped a little closer to Ali. _She is the most beautiful person I have ever seen. I need to touch her. Just once more, before I tell her. In case it's the last time. _Emily thought.

She gathered up all the courage she could find_, _and it took a _lot_. She took a deep breath. Alison's face looked slightly apprehensive, as if she was confused.

_Here we go._ Emily thought. And so, Emily did the thing she had wanted to do all afternoon. She boldly reached out with a shaking hand, and to Alison's surprise, she slowly and delicately tucked a lock of her honey blonde hair behind Ali's ear. Alison's eyes fluttered closed as Emily's fingertips brushed her skin. She seemed to hold her breath for a couple of seconds before her eyes flicked back open to look at Emily. Her blue eyes were almost black with desire.

"Ali…" Emily started.

"Em." Alison interrupted sharply, and pulled away. She stood up quickly from her seat.

Emily was confused at first, but followed Alison's gaze towards the doorway. There, stood in the middle of the door holding a large plate of food, was Ben.

Emily's heart jumped half a mile inside her body. _Fuck. Ben. What am I doing. Did he see? Shit please tell me he didn't see. _

"Hey! Whatcha doing? I thought you guys would be hungry, so I brought you some food." He said cheerily. He seemed oblivious to the exchange which had just occurred between the two girls.

"Thanks, Ben. That was nice of you." Emily said quietly, still feeling a little flustered. She _really_ wanted Ben to be elsewhere, right now. The last thing she wanted to do was be stuck in a small room with both him and Alison. It was all so awkward, she felt like her feelings were written all over her face. She felt terribly guilty about it all, and she_ really _didn't want to hurt Ben.

"No problem babe. I'll catch you after school?" He questioned.

"Sure." Emily answered as she took the plate of food from Ben and set it down on the desk in front of her. She saw that Alison was staring over at them with her arms crossed. Her face was un readable.

"Great." Ben answered. He grabbed Emily's arm and pulled her in for a kiss. She immediately stopped him from deepening it. She turned her face after a second so that the kiss ended abruptly. He looked slightly surprised and pulled back to look at her face with a quizzical expression.

"Hey! Is this because I made that joke in class, earlier? You know I was only saying that to get Mrs Lance mad at me. I didn't want you to get in trouble for your note." Ben said with a shrug and a grin.

Emily instantly felt bad. She heard Ali make a huffing noise behind her.

"Well thanks, it was sweet of you to not want me to get in trouble. You could have picked something _else_ to say though." She said pointedly, and gave Ben a stern look.

"I know, I know, I was only messing...sort of." He winked at Emily.

Emily heard Ali give an irritated sigh. "Okay, Ben. I gotta go, we have to copy all this down before Mrs Lance comes back and I _need_ to learn this stuff. Thanks for the food." She said.

"No problem." He said. He leaned down to kiss Emily on the cheek briefly before jogging quickly out of the room with a wave in Ali's direction. She didn't wave back.

Once Ben was out of earshot, Emily turned around to face Ali. She felt a bit awkward.

Alison rolled her eyes. "Mushy squash." She said with a grimace. Emily didn't say anything, she just fidgeted with her fingers.

Ali picked her bag up and walked towards Emily. She stopped just in front of the brunette. "I'm over French." She said bluntly.

"Ali we have to finish this or she's going to call our parents." Emily chided.

"I don't care. Fuck her." Alison said. She suddenly seemed very annoyed. She went to move past Emily to leave the room but stopped just as she was shoulder to shoulder with the brunette. Suddenly, Ali leaned across to whisper in Emily's ear. The movement was so quick that it startled her.

"And anyway, that idiot said it wrong." Emily shuddered slightly at their close proximity. She could feel Ali's breath tickle her ear and a familiar ache started low in her stomach as it brought back memories of their time in Alison's room.

Alison placed her fingers on the side of Emily's neck lightly. She dragged them slowly down the brunettes skin a little as she spoke, making Emily shiver. She closed her eyes as she let the sensation travel through her body.

"It's...voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?" Ali murmured low and seductively, before turning quickly and sauntering out of the room, leaving Emily stunned. She let out a breath she didn't know she had been holding.

**Authors Note: wow, now this one was challenging! It's such an important scene and it was very daunting to try and get it right. I REALLY** ** hope you guys are happy with it. I'm slightly scared to read the reviews in case you all hated it lol! You guys have been so open and honest with your comments it's very interesting and lovely to hear what you have to say and also your own personal experiences have been touching to read. I really wanted to show the differences between these two in this story and we will get to Alison's side of all this soon. Sweet Paris and the library scene were originally in the same chapter but after I accidentally deleted everything I decided to split it up as I left you so long without an update. I think it works better that way though. Just a quick warning, this story is rated M and there WILL be strong sexual content in places. The scene with Ali and Ian was actually quite tame compared to what may come later, so just a little heads up. Anyway! I've rambled on enough. I could talk for ages about these two and their character development but I won't bore you lol! By the way, would you rather the library scene was emily POV or Alison POV? Please let me know what you thought of this chapter, I was so nervous writing it lol! Thank you SO much for your reviews you are all so kind and amazing I love you all! My Twitter is hauntedtwilight (and I'm also English, so even though I try to write in American spelling for you, I might slip up here and there, hope you don't mind) xx**


	15. Great Expectations

**Authors note: I cannot believe that this story has had nearly 200 reviews. It's beyond my comprehension that so many of you have been kind enough to leave me the wonderful responses that you have. Thank you SO much.**

**Just to let you know...we will probably be time jumping in a few chapters time. There's also the dreaded A stuff to try and figure out. That's going to be difficult! I've honestly been dreading it because it's not explained properly on the show yet. So I'm going to skip some things here and there, but I figure you guys know what happened in the show with all that so I was planning on writing the scenes that I wanted to include with the premise that anybody reading this doesn't need it ALL explained. That would just take too long, so I hope you guys understand that some of the things that are going to happen in the story will be written on the basis that everyone knows what's going on already. The A stuff can't be explained in full in this story, it's just way too complicated and a lot of it still is unknown. It would also take, like 200 chapters to write it all in lol. I'll skip some bits here and there, but I'm trying to keep it as close to canon as possible. The main stuff will still be in there, but the rest of it I'll write as if you guys already have seen the show. And I know you beauties have lol! It might not always be possible in places though because we haven't had everything explained yet on the show about Ali's disappearance or what happened, so I might make some of it up, or just skip some parts. What do you guys think? Please let me know if you have any objections or ideas about it, and if you're all okay with that. I just want you all to enjoy the story so please let me know if you're okay with that idea and if you'll be able to read it knowing what's happened on the show. Basically, for example: if I write the scene outside the barn, I'll write it with not a massive amount of reference to the A stuff, just the basics, and the rest will be all emison. I'll write it basically as if I expect everyone to know why she's at the barn. You get me? Lol. This is one thing I'm massively stressing about so please let me know. I need you guys! **

**Anyway, sorry for rambling. I talk a lot. Here's the library! Xxx**

_Doubt thou the stars are fire,_

_Doubt that the sun doth move,_

_Doubt truth to be a liar,_

_But never doubt I love._

_William Shakespeare_

Love can be just like water. It can start as a few hints of rain, a storm brewing solemnly in the air…and fall in tender droplets around you as you stare up at the sky above. You can watch the storm approach, and be powerless to stop it. The rain will fall, and by the time you've realised there's nowhere to run to, you're already underwater. The hail will come with a deafening roar, and the ground will turn to liquid beneath you. You fall to the floor, with your hands clutched above your head, and you feel the power of the storm rage around you. The current rises, pulling you down into the ever increasing river, and you can do nothing as it sweeps you away. Love is like a thousand dams breaking inside your body at once. When those first cracks appear, it's already too late…the water will come, and you'll drown. The thing is with love though, once you're underwater...that's the only place you want to stay.

**ALISON'S HOUSE 2.06pm**

Alison DiLaurentis was having a panic attack in her bedroom. At least, that's what it felt like. Her chest felt almost completely closed off, and she struggled to catch her breath. She sat hunched over on her bed, with her knees pressed close to her chest. Her arms were wrapped around her body tightly, and her eyes were squeezed shut.

Ali rocked back and forth, and tried to control her breathing. _Just calm down. Calm down, it's okay. Just breathe. Everything's going to be alright. It's all going to be fine. Just chill. Just breathe. Calm down. Take a deep breath. _

Ali looked up. Her vision blurred a little as she tried to bring the room into focus. She had been squeezing her eyes shut so tightly that everything looked fuzzy, now. Her heart hammered inside her body as she took a ragged gulp of air. She reached across to her bedside dresser, and pulled out her diary with a shaking hand. She couldn't believe what she was about to write down, it was possibly the biggest secret she had ever kept from anyone, and she was about to put it into words. As soon as the invisible ink pen hit the paper, Ali's body suddenly relaxed, and she found she could finally breathe a little easier.

_I think I might like Emily more than I've admitted to myself. She's a girl, and she's my friend. But that doesn't mean anything. I thought it would, but it doesn't. I told myself I wasn't going to let this happen! So WHY won't it go away! Fuck. I thought sleeping with Ian would stop all this…this stupidity. It hasn't changed it at all. I feel like it's gone way beyond a crush now. I never anticipated __this.__ This feeling is inescapable. How do I get away from this?_

_I need to be honest. I like Emily as more than a friend. UGH I can't believe I just said that. But it's true, okay. I do. God, this makes it real. This makes it all real. I never thought I'd be able to say this. Fuck. I never even knew what it was until earlier today. Maybe I did, I don't know. Maybe I've known the whole time. I just…I don't know. I DON'T KNOW! How do I deal with this? _

_I tried SO hard to stay away from her. I tried __everything.__ I just couldn't do it. I can't keep letting this go on, but I don't know how to stop. I used to think it was just jealousy…that I didn't want to see her with anyone else. But now…now I know that that's not entirely true. I still HATE BEN, but it's gone way beyond that now. Every time I'm with her I feel like I want to kiss her. Like_, _every__ time. And every time I see __him__ near her, I want to stab him in the neck with my pen. Is that normal? NO. _

_After what happened in my room with her, I swore I'd not touch her again. The thing is…I don't know if I can keep that promise. I don't know if I __can __stay away. I missed her so much. I've had nobody to talk to. Nobody knows about Ian apart from Cece. Nobody knows about Emily at ALL. It's just me. I'm not so good at giving myself advice, either. I'm good at telling myself what to do, fuck, I'm good at telling __everyone __what to do. But I'm not so good at __listening__ to myself. I guess I don't listen to other people either, actually…so that's kinda typical. I just can't follow my own instructions. I don't __want__ to. What I want, and fuck, I can't believe I'm about to say this…is to kiss Emily until she sees stars. Until I see stars…until we've kissed each other for so hard and for so long that we become one person. I want to become one person with her. _

_FUCK. What is happening to me. She's just…so amazing. I always knew she was special. The thing is with Emily…it's all in what she __doesn't__ say. She's so quiet…she's a mystery to me. But at the same time, I feel like I can see straight through her. It's all in her eyes. She's always thinking. She's never brave enough to say what's on her mind, though. One day she will. One day she'll be fierce. She just doesn't know how to get there. I __want__ her to get there. But at the same time, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that one day she'll tell me all the things I can see her thinking, and I'll want to respond. I'll want to be honest, and I can't. I'm not an honest person. She's so kind, and thoughtful. She cares. She's the __only__ person that truly cares about me. If I'd let her…she would be every kind of comfort I need. But I can't let her. _

_She's passionate, __so__ passionate. I can feel that in the way she kisses me. There was a longing and a sensuality there that I never thought I'd see come out in her. When she loses control, she's going to eclipse me. I want her to lose control with __me.__ And that's what scares me the most. I just…can't do it. I'm trying so hard not to slip. I was doing __so__ well. Am I losing my mind? Am I losing my own control? I have to pull it back before it's too late. I can feel myself sliding into a place I've never seen before. It's a place I feel warm, and safe, and protected. I can't afford to have that. If I have that, it becomes a weakness. I am not weak. I won't allow it. _

_Emily has so much courage inside of her, she just doesn't know it. I can see her getting braver, and it scares the fuck out of me. She's going to force my hand, soon. I like this thing we have. It feels so good and so wrong at the same time. I like the way her skin shivers when I touch her. I like the way her breath catches and the way her eyes darken when I get too close. I'm sure the same thing is starting to happen to me, though. I'm terrified of what she'll do if she sees…if she __knows.__ Fuck, what if she knows it affects me the same way. I'm doing a terrible job of hiding it, lately. I need to be more clever. She's going to take it further with me and I'm going to have to shut it down. I don't want to…God, I __so __don't want to stop it. I want to taste her skin. I want to kiss her. I want to do all these things…and I think I want her to do them to me, too. I want her to touch me. Fuck. Oh my god. I can't deal with this._

_Today, in French, I slipped up. I could see her out of the corner of my eye, staring at me, like she always does. I had this overwhelming __need__ to talk to her. I'd been sitting there, thinking about how fucked up everything was, Emily, Ian…Jenna…and I just __needed__ her. I wanted her. I needed the comfort only __she __could give me. I haven't spoken to anybody about any of it. I lost my virginity for fuck sake, and nobody even knows. Apart from Cece. Great help she was. I couldn't tell anyone about any of it. I felt so alone. _

_I hadn't spoken to Emily properly for days. I missed her skin…her hair…her smile, everything. I wrote her a note. I had this whole plan for getting her alone, and of course, it backfired. I swear, that girl threw her note back so fucking hard it pinged into the center of the room. It did make me laugh, though. Of course, the teacher saw it and wanted Emily to read it out. That woman is such a nosey bitch. I hate her. _

_I panicked. The way I'd been ignoring Emily lately made me worry that she'd written a whole letter to me asking me why I'd not spoken to her since I felt her up in my room. I was so fucking scared that she'd finally got the guts to say something about it to me, that I ran over to the note and picked it up. I shoved it inside my water bottle to destroy it. Ha, fucking ha! Mrs Lance - 0 _

_Alison – 1_

_It was quite smart thinking, if I do say so myself. It didn't work out though. We both got detention. I'll admit, it was probably my fault for being so cocky about it to the teacher, but fuck her, she's a bitch. I already know French, who cares. Nobody knows that, though. _

_So…I got my chance. I got to be alone with her. I could tell she was nervous, she kept avoiding my questions about what was in her note. I'm __dying __to know what it says. I tried to get it out of my water bottle and read it after school but it was all mushy and squished. The only letter I could make out was a small __**X **__at the end. I think I'll keep it, anyway. _

_She was so kind to me. Fuck, she's the only person who noticed something was wrong. I felt like telling her about Ian at first, but God, no…I couldn't. I don't know why, but telling Emily about it seemed wrong. Besides, it would probably hurt her, and I can't see her hurt. Seeing her in pain makes my heart ache. I don't know what the fuck is happening to me. I __never__ used to feel this way. People have always been collateral damage to me. I never used to __care._

_I looked at her innocent face…the face of someone who couldn't give up such a special part of herself to her own boyfriend because she didn't want to be something she's not…and I felt proud. I felt proud of her, and ashamed of myself. She could have easily given Ben what he wanted, but she didn't. Why can't I be that brave? Why did I let Ian take that part of me? Why did I give it to him? Why do I keep forcing pain on myself to take away the hurt inside my heart. I feel so confused. When I looked at her, I realised with perfect clarity that she was the only person on the entire planet that I trusted. I absolutely would trust her with my life. I told her that, too. I told her how special she was._

_Fuck, being alone with her was so intoxicating. Just having her sitting next to me felt…amazing. I didn't realise how much I'd fucking missed her until she was right there, close enough to touch. Suddenly, that was all I wanted to do. I had to distract myself, somehow. Being alone with Emily was dangerous, and I'd already established that. _

_I started thinking about France. Funnily enough, being in a French classroom will do that to you. Paris. Sweet Paris. The city of love. Fuck, what would life be like if we lived alone there, just me and her? What would happen? If nobody is around…what would we do? I have a sneaking suspicion that I know what would happen. It scares the fuck out of me but I want it all the same. I __imagine __it all the same. I __dream__ it…all the same. This feeling just keeps intensifying. It's getting worse and worse. First the dreams started, and the next thing I know…I'm having DAY dreams! _

_I was actually sitting there, looking at postcards, imagining the two of us dancing through sunflower fields…kissing…lying on the grass, looking up at the perfect blue sky. I could see her stunning tanned face looking down at me as I tucked her hair behind her ear. I could see her smile, then lean back down for another kiss._

_All the pretty things I could have imagined about Paris…and Emily was still the most beautiful thing I could see._

_I saw us in the French Riviera, in our bikinis. I could see her gorgeous body glistening with water as she swam in the pool. The thought of it made my cheeks flush and my heart stir. Her toned physique looked incredible as she stepped out from the pool, the drops of water glinting off her skin like diamonds. Fuck, her legs…her legs too. Long…lean…strong. I could see her standing on top of the Eiffel Tower, her hair flowing freely in the wind. I could see her excited brown eyes take in the wonderful view. Then, I saw myself. I saw myself carefree, laughing…holding her. Holding her tightly from behind, my arms around her waist…my head on her shoulder as we took in the view together._

_Like the fool that I am, I told her. I didn't tell her about the kissing, of course. I'll tell nobody that part of my daydream. But I told her about our trip. I told her what I wanted us to do. I told her __knowing__ that I'd make her want it. I __wanted__ her to want it. Fuck. What am I doing. I can't keep doing this but I can't __stop.__ I don't WANT to stop. I want to see the look in her eyes when she imagines us together. I'm addicted to seeing her want it…want us. It means so much to her, and I know I shouldn't lead this situation on. I just…can't help it. I want to take that trip with her. I want to see that beautiful view. The things is, I don't think I'd see any of it if we actually went. I think I'd only see her. I only want to see her._

_Emily moved closer to me. I was glad she did. If she hadn't moved, I know I would have. That would have been bad, because I promised myself I wouldn't keep leading her on. Our fingers brushed together as we looked at the photos…and wow. I have no words for what I felt. She __barely__ touched me…and I felt the most incredible charge. I felt __so__ connected to her. She's like a live wire to me…some kind of electricity. She makes my skin tingle. I'm deathly afraid of her. She'll never know that. But Emily is the scariest thing I've ever faced. She has no idea, but she has the power to break me. If I lose her, I'll lose everything. That's why I can't let this continue. If it does, I'll have to end it, and she'll never want to speak to me again. I can't have that. I spent the last few days barely talking to her, and look what it's done to me. I have to find some way to balance this. I've been trying…but I keep tipping us over into unknown territory. Why can't we just stay the way we've always been? Why can't we just flirt, and brush hands, and be content with that? Why does it keep getting deeper. Why can't I control it any more? It used to be so easy. Now, it's so hard to stay away that I can barely keep it under control. I can feel that something is about to break. I'm about to break. I can't. I just can't._

_I can feel that Emily is about to lose control, too. I can see it in her eyes. She seems bolder, somehow. It's my fault. I gave her a taste of what I know she's been craving, and she wants more. I shouldn't have. But I couldn't resist. She knows that I'm aware that she likes girls now, but she hasn't dared bring it up. Maybe she's hoping that it was just a joke, that maybe I didn't see her looking at Jenna the way she did. Either way, she's not spoken a word to me about it. To be honest, I haven't really given her the chance. I'm hoping she doesn't bring it up. If she's brave enough to ask me about that, who knows what else she will bring up…and I can't talk about anything else with her. I can't. _

_If she tells me she has feelings for me, I don't know what I'll do. I think she nearly did in the French classroom. She touched me. She's never been brave enough to do that before. She's always looked. She's looked a thousand times…but never touched. It's always me, I'm always the one who pushes. I'm the one who flirts. She reached out, and she tucked my hair behind my ear. The way she touched me was sweet, and gentle…but as soon as I felt her fingertips next to my cheek…a fire raged in me. As soon as I felt her touch me, I felt like I never wanted her to let go. This is getting so, so out of control. In that moment, I __wanted__ her to kiss me. I wanted her to just lean in…and kiss me as hard as she could. I didn't want gentle, I didn't want sensual, I wanted passion. I want to __see__ who Emily is underneath all that sweetness. To be honest, I think I wanted her to kiss me the way she had when we first kissed at the kissing rock. I wanted that feeling __back. _

_She didn't get the chance to do, or say anything. Thank god, because what would I have done? I don't know how I would have reacted. I know how I __should__ react. I'd have to shut it all down. I'd have to break her heart…I have no other choice. I can't have people thinking that I'm into girls. But I'm glad I didn't have to. Her oaf boyfriend walked in. Fuck. Can you imagine if he'd seen us? What the fuck would we have been doing if he'd walked in thirty seconds later? Fuck, this is why it's dangerous. This is why it __can't __happen. That flathead has such a big mouth the whole school would have found out in two seconds. There really aren't that many ways to explain away having your tongue down another girls throat. It would have been kinda funny if he had seen, though. Ha! Fucking idiot that he is. He'd get the show of his life. _

_I bet she's __never__ kissed him the same way she's kissed me. I hope not, anyway. I hope he hasn't seen the same expression that I have. That breathless…aroused, astonished look she gets when she's turned on. I don't want anyone else __ever __seeing that. That's mine. I had to see it again one more time after Ben left, just to double check that she hadn't forgotten me. I whispered into her ear, and I felt her body tense up. She shivered as I ran my fingers down her neck, and __fuck __if it wasn't the hardest thing I've ever done in my life not to kiss her right then and there. I had to leave the room, quickly. I fucking left the school, even. That's why I'm sitting here now, writing this. I couldn't stay there. As soon as I left the room, the first thing I wanted to do was turn around again and run straight back into her arms. I wanted her back as soon as I'd left her. It took everything in my power to keep walking. Shit. This is all so screwed up. _

_Inside that timid little bird…is a Phoenix. One day she will rise up. She will become everything she is inside, and nobody will ever see it coming. God, I want to be around to see that. I want to see that girl be the fighter she's always been. Inside of her is an incredibly strong woman, but not yet…not yet. It's coming, though. I can feel it. I can see it in the way she looks at me…I can feel it in the way she touches me, now. I can't help but feel that some time very soon, the tide is going to turn. _

Alison put her pen down gently, and closed her eyes. She let out a long, exasperated breath, and felt her body calm down for the first time since she had rushed home. She didn't know _why _her reaction to Emily had been so strong. They hadn't kissed or anything. They'd barely even touched. But something about their exchange in the French classroom felt different. It felt to Ali like she had finally reached a turning point in their relationship. Something was about to give, and she knew it.

She stood up from the bed, and walked over to her bookshelf. She pulled out her copy of _Great Expectations _and placed it inside her bag, ready for the English test the next day. Ali didn't particularly want to take the test. Every single time she thought about the book, it brought up feelings she was trying so hard to ignore. She had come to think of the characters as an extension of herself and Emily. She didn't think she could sit through an entire hour with nothing but those quotes to keep her company.

She even thought about cutting class again, but she knew she was in enough trouble already. She would have to think of a pretty good excuse as to why she had run home in the middle of the day. She was pretty sure "because I nearly kissed my best friend" wasn't going to cut it. She had also skipped detention, so there was a lovely phone call from Mrs Lance to look forward to. _Ugh, that woman is such a bitch. _Ali thought. She knew what to do, though. She opened her bedroom window and reached down beneath the windowsill. A small black wire was tethered to the side of the house. She yanked on it once but it didn't budge. _Fuck, really! _She thought, irritated. She gave it another hard tug and heard something click. The wire now hung a little loose in her hand.

_Alison – 2_

_Mrs Lance – 0 _

_Ha! Try and call the house now, bitch! No phone line! _Ali laughed out loud to herself. She had only disconnected the phone line once or twice before. The first time had been after the Jenna thing. She hadn't wanted to speak to anybody. She had turned off her phone and disconnected the main line.

She had snuck out of the house through the window quite a few times, too. That was when she had first noticed the wire. Once she realised the wire ran right under her window, she swore she would make good use of the information. Her parents had taken two days to figure out that they just needed to reconnect it to make the phone work again. _Idiots. I swear, adults these days have no creativity. _She thought smugly.

A loud crash interrupted her thoughts. Alison looked up, startled. _What the fuck was that? There's nobody home._ She panicked, and moved tentatively towards her bedroom door.

"Mom?" She called out. "Is that you?" There was no response.

"Dad? Hello?" She called again. _For fuck sake, Ali. Why the hell are you "hello-ing" a strange noise! Didn't you learn anything from movies? _The blonde thought. Alison step tentatively around the door, holding it open with one hand as she peered down the empty hallway. She couldn't see anything, but she was sure she could hear a slight scuffling coming from somewhere downstairs.

She knew she would have to go and check it out. Alison wasn't the kind of person to just ignore something like that. She quietly slipped down the hallway, being careful not to make any noise. The floorboards tended to creak a little, but her expert knowledge of sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night took care of any possibility that she might be heard.

She found the door to her brother Jason's room and slowly pushed it open. She quietly turned the doorknob and slipped inside. The room was an absolute mess. _God, doesn't he ever clean up? Jackass. _She thought.

She stepped over a pile of shirts and reached behind the door. She grabbed Jason's baseball bat and exited the room as quickly as she could. Her heart hammered as she raised the bat above her head. She tiptoed across the landing and called down the stairs.

"I'm calling the police. You better get the fuck out!" She shouted, trying not to let her voice waver. _Well, I would call the police if I hadn't left my phone downstairs and disconnected the fucking phone line. This is all fucking Frenchies fault! I might die and it's all because of her! _

Ali took a few brave steps down the stairs. She could feel a light breeze whip past her face. _The door is open. Why is the front door open. I didn't leave it ajar, did I? _She knew she'd been in a rush to get to the safety of her room when she'd left school, but she was _sure_ she hadn't left it open. Ali walked the rest of the way down the stairs with the baseball bat still raised high above her head. She turned at the bottom of the stairs to look at the front door. It stood wide open. The remains of a vase lay smashed all across the hallway floor from where it had fallen off one of the side tables.

Ali felt relieved. The wind had obviously knocked the vase off. _I'm such a moron. I left the fucking door open and the wind smashed the vase. For fuck sake, Ali pull it together. _She lowered the bat, feeling slightly better. She stepped over the broken pieces to close the door. She locked it, just to be sure.

Ali went to the kitchen to get a bag for the broken vase, and a dustpan for the smaller shards. She began to clean up the broken pieces, placing the larger shards on top of each other and carefully put them inside the bag so that she wouldn't cut herself. As she began to sweep up the rest of the mess, a creepy feeling came over her. _The wind might have smashed the vase…but didn't you hear a scuffle? There was another noise…after you yelled. Are you sure you're alone? Shit. Fuck. Oh my god. Is there someone in here with me? _She thought. She couldn't believe she had been so quick to assume everything was fine. Her stomach plummeted in terror. There _had_ been another noise.

Ali stood up slowly, and listened to the eerie silence of the house. She felt extremely unnerved. She grabbed the baseball bat again. Her hands were sweaty with fright as she held it tightly. She moved slowly into the kitchen, straining her ears to listen for any noise. The house was dead silent, but something didn't feel right. At all.

Alison heard footsteps behind her. She screamed loudly as a hand came down on her shoulder. She swung around, bat in hand, and tried to smash it as hard as it could into the person behind her. A large muscular arm deflected the blow as the baseball bat crashed to the ground. Ali looked up in shock.

"Alison! What the _fuck_ are you doing." Her brother Jason's voice yelled.

Ali looked up at her brothers surprised face. "Jason! You scared the living FUCK out of me! How long have you been here?" She shouted in shock..

"A little while." He replied, frowning at her.. "I came in through the garage. What the hell are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be at school?" He questioned. He squinted his eyes at her.

Ali walked over to the garage door. She could smell the faint whiff of marijuana coming from behind the door. She raised an eyebrow at Jason. "I won't tell if you won't?" She asked hopefully. She knew she'd get in trouble for cutting school, but it was nothing compared to the trouble Jason would get in if their parents caught him smoking weed. She knew she had him.

Jason faltered for a second. He gave a small shrug. "Sure, whatever…just clean up that mess." He indicated towards the smashed vase in the hallway.

"That's what I was doing before you snuck up on me. I could have killed you, you know!" Ali added thinly.

Jason gave an unimpressed laugh. "Sure."

He walked away, back into the garage. Ali watched him leave. She was relieved. _Thank god it was only Jason. It was probably him I heard shuffling around. Ugh the whole house is going to stink of that stuff. He better get rid of it before mom and dad get home, I'm sure as hell not taking the blame for that shit._

After cleaning up the mess downstairs, Ali retreated back into her room. She took the _Great Expectations _book out of her bag and settled on the bed with the book in her lap. She absently flipped through the pages. _Why is it that I can't leave this book alone. Why is it that I always come back to this. I always come back to her. _She flicked through the pages and pages of quotes she had highlighted in yellow marker. She didn't need to highlight them for the test, they weren't even going to be in it, but she had marked the quotes all the same. This wasn't a book she was using for school. She already knew it off by heart, she wouldn't even need it to pass. This was a book she was marking for her soul. Every quote she marked down, was like a reaffirmation of who she was as a person. Of who Emily was. Of who they were, together. She didn't know why she needed to mark them out, she just knew that she couldn't help herself.

She flicked through the pages, and stalled as an entire paragraph caught her eye. She took out her yellow marker, and highlighted the entire thing.

"_That was a memorable day to me, for it made great changes in me. But, it is the same with any life. Imagine one selected day struck out of it, and think how different it's course would have been. Pause you who read this, and think for a moment of the long chain of iron or gold, thorns or flowers, that would never have bound you, but for the formation of the first link on one memorable day."_

Ali paused, thinking long and hard about the words on the page. _Is this the first link? Was today the start of it all? If I took this day out of my life, would my life be any different? Or did this whole thing with Emily start the very day we met? Did our fingers touch today and cause a great chain of events that are yet to occur? When did this butterfly effect start? Can it be stopped now? I'm trying so hard to stop it from happening…what if it's already unstoppable. What if I can't control it. I wouldn't want to lose this day. I want to keep it, forever. I want to keep the memory of it locked up inside my soul. But what if something bigger is happening. Is my life destined to follow a great chain of events that I'm powerless to stop. What kind of day will tomorrow bring? Will it be just another link in the chain? _

Ali closed the book and stared sadly around her room. Her moment with Emily in the French classroom was far too special to ignore, and she knew that, deep down. She knew she was close to something…something big. She was terrified of what the next day would bring.

When she fell asleep that night, she fell into the most wonderful dream. It began with fields…and flowers…orchards, and sand. It had hints of another language, and just the faintest touch of mahogany hair blowing in the breeze. Music played softly in the background, and there was laughter, and kisses. It was sweet, and full of promise. But always, always, there was rain.

**EMILY'S HOUSE 2.06am**

Not far away, Emily Fields was having a _much_ more interesting dream.

A room of fire surrounded her, and she struggled to breathe as acrid black smoke poured from every surface. It seemed to creep into her lungs like a snake and suffocate her. She felt herself fall to the floor as tendrils of fire rose up in front of her. Her throat was closed, and she couldn't breathe. She tried to scream, but no noise came out. The smoke covered her face, blocking her vision. She was blind.

Emily panicked, she clawed at her face with her hands, trying to remove the smoke. It slithered through her fingers, covering her body in a blanket of silence and black nothingness. She heard a voice, but she couldn't tell who was speaking. It echoed through the room eerily in a language that Emily didn't understand.

"_N'ayez pas peur."_

The smoke pulled back, suddenly, swirling around her in retreat. The fire still raged around her, burning the walls to dust. The walls bent, and morphed, disintegrating into feathered pieces of paper, falling all around her in a snowy ash.

Emily looked up, frightened. The smoke had disappeared. She could see, finally. Everything had disappeared. She was now sitting in a perfectly white room. She looked around in confusion. She could hear a faint tapping, like a stick hitting the floor. The sound of it bounced off the white walls.

"Hello, Emily." A voice sounded out.

Emily looked around, confused. She couldn't see anyone.

"You have to look deeper, Emily. You don't always see what's right in front of you. Look with your heart, not your eyes." The voice echoed.

Emily closed her eyes, and pictured the one thing she _knew_ her heart desired. As she opened her eyes, Alison's face flashed in front of her for the briefest of moments. She saw blonde hair, and the sweet smile of her friend, before Ali was gone again. Her image had been replaced by Jenna Marshall. She knelt down in front of Emily. Her eyes were hidden by a pair of dark glasses.

"Jenna?" Emily asked, confused.

Jenna smiled. "Yes, Emily. It's me."

"I don't understand? Where did Alison go? I heard…a voice. It told me to picture what my heart desires."

"Your heart desires _many_ things, Emily. Maybe not always in the way you think it does." Jenna answered cryptically.

"Where is Ali?" Emily asked again, worried.

Jenna chuckled. "Relax. She's always around. You know that." She said pointedly.

Emily nodded. "I do." She stood up, and Jenna stood up with her.

"Emily…I want to show you something." Jenna said, reaching up to remove her glasses.

Emily felt a terrible guilt inside her heart. It stabbed her with a lancing pain. "Jenna…I'm so sorry. I'm so, _so_ sorry for what happened to you. It was an accident. I promise. If there was anything I could do to take it back, I would. We would. I swear."

Jenna smiled. "It's alright, Emily." She said kindly. "You don't have to be sorry. You know you didn't do anything wrong." She took her glasses off completely, showing Emily her stunning green eyes. Emily stared in shock.

"See." Jenna continued. "I'm fine. There's nothing to worry about."

"I always worry." Emily said.

"I know you do. You're afraid. You're afraid of many things, Emily. But don't let yourself be afraid forever. You have to open your mind. Speak with your heart, not with your voice." Jenna cautioned.

"I'm confused." Emily answered. "I don't know what I'm doing here." Her voice wavered.

"Yes you do. You came to find answers to questions you haven't yet asked yourself." Jenna said. Her voice echoed off the barren walls.

"I want to know if you're going to be alright." Emily said truthfully.

Jenna smiled a broad smile. "Yes, I will be okay. I can see perfectly. Everything's going to be okay. I'm back, and I'm alright. You don't have to keep worrying about it. Don't let your heart desire forgiveness any more. Let your heart go. Don't hold it back."

"I can't. I feel so guilty." Emily answered sadly.

"Emily, I forgive you. I forgive you all. Everything's going to be alright." Jenna said. She placed her black glasses back over her eyes.

Emily nodded, her heart feeling a little lighter. "Thank you, Jenna."

Jenna took a few steps back, turning her back to Emily.

"Jenna, wait! Where are you going? Where are we? What's going on?" Emily called out.

Jenna laughed, and turned around to face Emily once more. "Honey, I have places to be. Besides, I don't think you're finished here, yet. You should stay." She indicated to the room with her hands. "This place…it's a blank slate. Only you can paint the walls, Emily. Just make sure it's in the right colour."

Jenna walked over to the furthest wall and placed her hand against it. "You know…you should paint it pink. It's a nice colour for a girl. You like girls? Right?" She asked pointedly with a hint of insinuation.

Emily bolted awake. She looked around her room. It was the same room she had always had. No White Walls, no Jenna, no Ali, no fire. She took a deep breath. _What the fuck was that all about. _She couldn't understand what had just happened. _Why am I dreaming about Jenna Marshall? _She thought. _Because you feel guilty, that's why. _She answered in her head.

She felt a crushing disappointment seep through her body when she realised it had all been a dream. She wanted nothing more than for Jenna to be well again. _Poor Jenna. I feel so horrible. I wish these dreams would stop. I just want everything to be fixed. Why does everything feel broken? _Emily laid her head back down against the pillow and tried to get back to sleep.

Emily didn't dream again that night. She was too exhausted. It had been a confusing day, and her dream hadn't made it any better. Jenna's words were the last thing she thought of before she drifted into unconsciousness.

_Speak with your heart, not with your voice._

And she would, oh…she would.

**ALISON DILAURENTIS – THE FOLLOWING MORNING**

Alison poked her head around the empty classroom door that she had just ducked into and peered into the hallway. She watched as her French teacher, Mrs Lance, left her room and started walking towards her. She ducked her head back inside the empty room, and flattened her back to the wall.

She had been avoiding the woman _all _day. So far, she had successfully run away from her twice. She had been chased down two hallways, and out of one classroom. She'd only had one class that day, so far. The first time Ali had seen Mrs Lance, was in the parking lot. Ali had tried to slip past her and into the doorway but the teacher had appeared out of nowhere in front of her. Ali had turned and run in the opposite direction as fast as she could. The second time, was about fifteen minutes prior. She had just left her first class of the day and was heading to her math class when the French teacher had spotted her from down the hall.

"MISS DILAURENTIS!" She had yelled at the top of her voice. Ali turned as quickly as she could and bolted down the hallway. _Fuck these heels! Fuck them and the person who made them! _She had thought as she had almost fallen and twisted her ankle pivoting down a second hallway. She could still hear Mrs Lance yelling her name from somewhere behind her. _She's like a god damn Rottweiler! A God damn French Rottweiler! Fuck her and all her friends! _Ali thought, running into one of the lower year's science rooms. She was met by a group of young boys who were just beginning to take their seats. Their teacher hadn't arrived yet.

"Get the fuck out of my way before I hit you with my fucking shoe!" She screamed. The boys jumped back in surprise and let her pass. She looked towards the back of the room, hoping to find another exit route. _Fuck. Of course there's only one way in. This classroom doesn't lead to another hallway. EXCELLENT. _She panicked, turning back the way she came. She ran straight into the same group of boys who were still loitering by the door. This time, they jumped aside to let her past. "Fuck you very much!" Ali shouted in annoyance. She got to the door just as Mrs Lance did. The woman's scowling face was a blur to Ali as she darted under the woman's arm and back out into the hallway.

"Alison DiLaurentis, you cannot run from me forever! I will catch you eventually!" The teacher shouted to Alison's retreating back. Ali looked behind her shoulder as the woman started after her again. _God! Doesn't she ever give up! _Mrs Lance came rushing after her in a pair of red high heels. _How the fuck can she run so fast in those! The woman's fucking better in a pair of heels than I am! Shit! _

This was when Alison turned sharply to the left, and ducked into the empty classroom in which she was currently residing, with her back pressed flat to the wall.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck. She's coming. All morning I've avoided her and she's coming right at me like a fucking ninja. How does she keep finding me! Hopefully she'll run straight past me. She won't expect that I've gone into the first room. She'll think I've kept running. Please, please, please think that I've kept running. Please don't find me. _Alison prayed.

She squeezed her eyes shut as she heard the click of the teachers heels. Luckily for her, they ran straight past the door and disappeared from ear shot. Ali let out an exhausted breath. She knew the teacher would catch her eventually, but if she could just make it to the end of the day, she might just be safe. It was Friday, and hopefully if she could get away with not being seen for the rest of the day, her teacher might just forget about it over the weekend. That was her hope, at least.

Ali dared to peek around the side of the door. She checked that the coast was clear before she straightened out her top and smoothed down her hair. She hoped that not _too _many people had seen her charging around the halls.

She exited the classroom and cautiously made her way to her next class. She walked down the hallway, flicking her long blonde hair over her shoulder.

_Alison – 3_

_Mrs Lance – 0 _

With a smug look on her face, Alison turned the corner. She stopped dead in her tracks. Right in front of her, with her back to her, was Mrs Lance. She stood less than a meter away from where Alison had stopped in her tracks. _Fuck! Holy shit she's right in front of me. Back up, DiLaurentis, back up fast!_ Ali panicked, and as quietly as she could, she took two giant steps back around the corner slowly. She tiptoed as fast as she could back the way she came. To anyone looking, it probably looked quite comical. She was Alison DiLaurentis, though. Nobody would _dare_ laugh at her, and she knew it.

_You know what…_she thought. _I've been running all day. I'm probably in major trouble anyway…I might as well just skip the next couple of classes. My English test isn't until last period, anyway. I'll just hide out till then. Yep. That's what I'll do. Fuck you, Frenchie. _

Alison dashed through a large blue door. It was possibly the _only _place in the school that she would be safe. _Nobody _in their right mind would _ever_ think to look for her in the library.

The large room was almost deserted. Most people were already in class, and there were only a few stray students dotted around, most with their heads down, glued to a book. _Perfect._ Ali thought. _I'll just find somewhere quiet to hide._ She moved through the stacks of books to the back of the room. _Nobody will look for me in here, this is excellent. _

She had visited the library quite a few times over the last couple of weeks. She knew that she'd be safe in there. Nobody ever bothered her, and nobody ever came right to the back of the stacks. She sat down with her back against the large book case. She let the quietness of the room wash over her, and she took a deep breath. _I could fall asleep in here. This is the perfect place for a nap. That idiot Frenchie will be looking for me all day. She'll probably think I went home. _

After about twenty minutes, Alison began to get bored. She decided to read for a while, to pass the time. She looked around at the books which were lined up neatly in front of her. She didn't want to move too far from her spot, in case she was seen. She was pretty much limited to _the A-Z Of Gardening _and _Get-Smart, the encyclopaedia of seeds. _She was considering leaving the room again. _Yawn. Hiding out was much more fun when I was at home. No wonder nobody ever comes in here! They could have some music playing, or something! _She thought, looking around for something to read.

Nobody really knew quite how much of a book lover Ali was, she kept that part of herself very well hidden. She did love to read though. She loved how absorbed she would get whenever she read something incredible. She always liked poetry the best, though. It seemed to call out to her. She really felt a connection with the words, as if the entire poem was written just for her.

Ali had a deep soul, at heart. But on the surface, she liked to remain as shallow as a puddle. _It just makes it easier to hide. If nobody knows how deep you can go…then nobody can ever catch you off guard. If they think you're shallow, then it's surprising the amount of things you can get away with when people think they're cleverer than you. _Ali mused to herself as she glanced around the stacks.

Suddenly, she remembered the book she had stuffed into her bag that morning. _Oh, yes! The great expectations book! I can totally read that! It'll totally keep me occupied! _She thought. _I'm so glad I decided to bring it today. It's possibly the only thing that'll save me from dying a slow painful death by mouldy, dusty gardening books! What kind of school library thinks gardening is a priority for their curriculum? _Ali wondered to herself.

She pulled out the worn, tattered copy from her bag. It had been pristinely preserved when Ali had first obtained it. She had read it so many times that the pages were now all ripped, and there were creases under numerous corners from where she had folded the pages to keep her place.

She flipped the book open, looking at her handiwork with the highlighter. If she wasn't careful, the whole book would be yellow by the time she had finished. There was rarely a line in it that she _hadn't _connected with. Ali smiled to herself, and settled back against the stacks comfortably. She crossed her legs and held the book out in her hands.

Ali didn't know how long she had been sitting there. She was completely absorbed in the story, once again. _Oh my god! These characters have such hilarious names. Pumblechook. Why can't he just be called Uncle Bob? Who makes this stuff up! It sounds like they're all made of wool with little pink hearts sewn onto their chests Ha! _Ali let out a loud giggle. It echoed in the silence of the library.

"What's so funny?" A voice asked. Suddenly, a pair of tanned legs appeared in front of her. They were attached to Emily Fields.

Alison looked up from her book, startled. _Oh fuck. Someone found me. She found me, of all people. What's she doing in here? Shit, she caught me reading. It's okay, it's only Emily, brush it off. _

"Their names." Ali answered truthfully. Emily leaned against the book stacks. Ali looked up at her toned body. "Pip…Mr Wapsle…Uncle Pumblechook…they all sound like stuffed animals." She said with a grin.

Emily smiled back, and sidled over to where Ali was sitting. She sat down very closely next to the blonde and Alison couldn't help but notice how good her legs looked in the _very_ tiny Jean shorts she was wearing. _She should show off her legs more. She's got great legs._

Emily eyed the book in Alison's hands. _Shit_. Ali thought. _I am so busted. No use pretending I haven't read it, now. There's highlighter all over this thing. Oh well. It's only Emily._

Emily gave her an astounded, but sneaky, look. "I can't believe you already finished it." She said with a sly grin. Ali gave her a knowing glance that said she knew she'd been caught out.

_Oh, alright. _Ali thought. "Want me to tell you what happens?" She said naughtily. "I can make you a cheat sheet!" She gave Emily a scandalous gaze. Emily smiled back at her.

The brunette couldn't hold Alison's look, and she blushed. She laughed from the back of her throat and looked down, towards the floor.

_She's so cute when she does that. She always looks so shy, and timid. _Alison's heart skipped a little inside her chest. Seeing the way Emily reacted to her was _always_ one of her favourite things to observe. She was rapidly beginning to realise, though, that seeing Emily like that, was actually doing the same things to _her. _It was making her shy and timid, too. It was making her afraid. Above all else, it was making Alison want to kiss Emily.

_Her hair is so soft. I wish I could braid it for her. Those little sounds she made in Spencer's room, that time. They were so sensual. So erotic. Just the sound of her pleasure makes me wet. Fuck. I can't stop. I don't want to. I want to touch her, always._

Ali reached out, she couldn't stop herself. She delicately tangled a lock of Emily's hair in her fingers. She stroked the soft hair lightly as she ran her fingertips through it. "You know...you should really let me braid your hair some time." She mused.

Emily's movement faltered slightly, giving Ali the reaction she had been hoping for.

_There it is. There's my shy girl. Oh, Em. If you only knew…_

Ali dropped her hand back to her lap. She smiled innocently at the brunette. A serious expression came over Emily's face all of a sudden. She turned her head a little, looking directly at the blonde.

She looked sad, and worried. "I had a dream last night…about Jenna." Emily started.

_Oh no! Not this again. Can't we just leave this be. Emily, please forget about it. Don't keep bringing it up, it's not going to change anything. It just makes it all harder. I can't deal with thinking about this right now._

Alison interrupted the brunette before she could finish explaining. "Emily, _don't."_ She said sternly. _Don't, because I can't right now. I can't deal with this, too._

"Okay? Stop thinking about that, there's all sorts of operations and stuff they can do." Ali continued in an irritated tone.

She tried to convince herself she was being truthful. But she didn't really think there was any way to save Jenna's sight. It was all hopeless, but she knew she couldn't let Emily believe that. Emily was too sweet, she would always look for a way to fix things. She would always have hope. Alison had none, and she needed to stop the conversation before she pushed that onto Emily. _She needs to have hope, that's what makes her so kind. She always wants to find a happy ending. _

Emily continued regardless of Ali's words. "I dreamt that she came back…and she was fine!" Emily said excitedly. Alison could see the happiness in her eyes as she spoke, and it melted her heart.

Emily locked eyes with Ali. "She could see _perfectly_ and…she forgave us." The brunettes eyes sparkled with hope.

Ali smiled at Emily as she took in her words. She knew she was probably grinning like an idiot, but she couldn't find the time to care. She was so lost in Emily. _Wow_. _She really is one of a kind. She dreams something, and she really does hope with all her heart that it's going to come true. _Ali felt an overwhelming sensation of warmth for the brunette wash over her like a drug. She felt intoxicated. _She's the kindest, most loving…warmest, and sincere, person I have ever met. God, she's so amazing. She's such a lovely girl…she always sees the best in every situation. She's telling me this because she really feels it could happen, one day. If this whole world was created just for her, it would be justified. I love her, I do. I really, really do._

Without thinking, Alison suddenly opened her mouth and spoke the first words that came into her head.

"That's why I love you…." She said sweetly, and honestly. Her voice came out quiet, and sincere. Her heart surged with the truth of it. The words didn't register inside her head until they were already out of her mouth.

_Oh my god. What did I just say. Did I just say I love you? Oh my god, I did. I did. Oh, wow. _

Ali paused. She looked Emily right in the eyes, and she saw the shock and admiration flicker across Emily's face. _She heard me. Oh, she heard it loud and clear. _

"You're big on happy endings." Ali concluded, still gazing lovingly at Emily.

She knew she'd have to deal with the consequences later, but she couldn't care less at that moment. _I shouldn't have said it. It's too late now. Make the most of it, because you know you can't keep her. You have to give her back. She's not a gift you can keep. Just a little more time…_

"So was Dickens, by the way." Ali said, turning her eyes back to the book. If she kept staring at Emily, she knew she'd not be able to look away. She had to force her eyes away from the brunettes loving stare.

_I wonder if our story will end up like theirs? Estella pushes Pip away, always taunting him, and flirting. But he gets her, he does get her. In the end. Does she deserve someone like that? Probably not, after the way she treats him. It doesn't matter, though. No matter how they act with each other, she gets his everlasting devotion and love. He gives it to her freely, despite how she teases him. He wants her so much that he'll put up with it. But is it fair? Is it fair that she gets to have someone who loves her so purely, when she is such a cruel person? She doesn't deserve him._

Ali could feel Emily's eyes grazing over her body. She could feel the brunettes stare burning into her skin as she looked down at the book. Emily looked absolutely enamoured. _God, why is this so hard. It's so, so hard. Can't I just take a little piece. Just one more piece. I can't keep her, I can't. _Ali flicked the page open to her favourite quote from the book. She felt like it described perfectly how Emily felt about her. She wanted Emily to know that she knew. The brunette hadn't been brave enough yet, to tell her. But Alison knew. She had always known. She thought it might make it easier for Emily, somehow, if she read her this passage. _I just want you to know you don't have to be afraid. I know how you feel. You can talk to me. I know you're afraid of me. I know you're afraid of what you're feeling, inside. _

Ali looked at Emily questioningly. "Can I read you something?" She asked.

Emily nodded slightly, her eyes flickering from the book to the blondes face.

_Here we go._ Ali thought, turning her eyes to the page.

"I loved her against reason…" She found she couldn't look anywhere else other than Emily's eyes as she started reading. She wanted Emily to see the truth of her words. She didn't _have_ to read from the page, she knew the quote off by heart, but she had to keep forcing her eyes back to the book. Emily was staring at her so intently that Ali's cheeks were burning with the intimacy of the moment.

"Against promise…against peace..." she continued, trying not to look at Emily, but finding it impossible. She gave in, finally realising that she couldn't look anywhere else but into those chocolate brown eyes as she spoke the words. Her eyes abandoned the book as she stared intently at Emily, reading from memory alone. She felt her heart ache as their eyes connected.

"Against hope…against happiness…against all discouragement that could be." She finished.

_Wow. _She thought._ This is the most intense moment of my life. God, the way she's looking at me. She feels those words as deeply as I do…she feels them wrap around her soul. I know she does, I can see it in her eyes. She loves me against reason. She loves me against any promise I could make to her. She loves me with only the barest glimmer of hope, against her own happiness, and against all the discouragement I've given her. She loves me, still, the same._

"Did you get to that part yet?" Ali questioned. _Just tell me, Emily. I need to hear you say it. Tell me how you feel._

The brunette nodded, never breaking their gaze. Emily spoke with her heart, not her voice.

Alison hadn't quite anticipated Emily's response. It was if a quiet peace came over her. She seemed to lose all the caution that usually encased her. Normally, when she was alone with Ali, she was fidgety, and nervous. She would blush, and stammer. She had done so not moments before. But not now. Now, a brave, determined expression crept across her face. Ali watched it happen in front of her. She watched quietly as every wall Emily had built up came crashing down. She could see the nervousness leave her body as Emily smiled, and relaxed. Ali could only watch as Emily leaned in.

Emily leaned towards Ali, and without hesitation, pressed her lips to Alison's. The blonde realised what was happening only a second before, and leaned in at the last second to meet Emily's kiss. Ali's whole body lit up like a live wire. She felt Emily's soft lips touch hers gently, in the sweetest possible way. It was the most innocent and heart warming thing she had ever felt. There was no lust, no passion, no desperation behind it, only love. Just pure love. She could feel it pouring out of Emily's soul as their lips pressed together. It was chaste, and sweet, and the most _perfect_ moment of Alison's existence. _My god, is this even real? This is unimaginable. This feeling…it's beyond words._ Ali thought.

Their kiss was short, but it was possibly the most significant event that had occurred between them to date. The seriousness of the situation wasn't lost on Alison.

They pulled apart, and Ali smiled gently at Emily. She was _proud._ She was proud that Emily had finally taken something for herself. She had _finally _acted on her desires, and Alison couldn't help but smile warmly. _You did it, Em. Well done. _

She took a deep breath and watched as Emily's face began to cloud over with worry. She was starting to retreat back into her own head, and Ali could see her mind racing behind her eyes. _She's worried. She thinks I'm going to make fun of her. She thinks I'm going to laugh. _

Ali knew she would eventually have to deal with the situation, but the way she was feeling at that moment, there was no way she could break Emily's heart. She knew that it had happened very publicly, and that it couldn't happen again. Anyone could have walked past and seen them, and even though Ali had enjoyed it, she couldn't have that. She could see the bravery it had taken for Emily to make the first move. She had never, _ever_ done anything like that in her life, and Ali knew just how much courage she had gathered to kiss her like that. It was probably the most difficult decision Emily had ever had to make. _Or maybe it was the easiest, for her. She loves me so much, maybe it was just a case of not being able to hold it in, any more. _Ali wondered. _Either way, she's finally taken something for herself, for once in her life. She should be proud. _

Emily looked down nervously and cleared her throat. She looked terrified, as if she was waiting for Ali to attack her. She had her head down, staring at her hands. Ali could see Emily's hands shaking as she fidgeted with her fingers in her lap.

Ali tentatively reached over with her own hand and slowly placed her fingertips on top of Emily's in the brunettes lap. Emily flinched slightly at the touch. She still would not look up. Ali applied a little more pressure with her hand, steadying Emily's shaking fingers. She grasped them inside her own, and squeezed tenderly. _It's alright, Em. It's alright. Don't worry about it. Just breathe. _Ali so badly wanted to say something, but she couldn't. Anything she might say now, could hurt Emily later, and she didn't want that. Right now, she just wanted Emily to feel at peace.

_Come on, Em. Talk to me. Find your voice. Say something. _Ali thought, desperately. She held the brunettes hand tightly, and felt Emily's fingers grasp hers back, finally. Emily kept her eyes glued to their joined hands. Ali looked around the room. _God, if anyone walks past right now, they'll wonder what's going on. Do they have cameras in here? What if someone saw? If anyone sees us holding hands they'll think something's going on. Come on, Emily. Snap out of it! _Ali searched the room for anyone that might have seen their kiss. She couldn't see anyone, though.

All of a sudden, she spotted a pair of red high heels through a gap in a pile of books. She looked on in horror as they strode out of sight. They seemed to be patrolling up and down the stacks a few sections in front. _No way! Is that Mrs Lance! Oh my god that fucking bitch is in here! Is she still looking for me! Doesn't she ever give up! Fuck, fuck, fuck! _She panicked.

Ali squeezed Emily's and tightly and ducked her head down low to the floor. Emily looked up, surprised.

"Ali…what?" She started.

"SHH!" Alison whispered in a panic. She dragged Emily to the floor by their joined hands. "Get down!"x She ordered.

"What? Why?" Emily asked in a fluster. Ali yanked her down so that they were practically lying on the floor next to each other.

"It's Mrs Lance, if she catches me I'm _dead!" _Ali whispered. "Come with me, quickly, before she sees."

Emily frowned, but didn't have a chance to reply before Alison let go of her hand. The blonde put both her arms on the floor and crawled on her knees to the corner of the stacks like a cat. She peered around the side of the book case. She couldn't see the teacher, but she could hear her heels clicking closer and closer to where the two girls were hiding.

Emily followed Alison. The carpet burned her bare knees as she crawled up next to the blonde. She placed one of her hands on Alison's back and peered over the top of her head to try and see what Ali was looking at.

As soon as Ali felt Emily's hand on her back, she jolted backwards. She scrambled to her feet. _We have to hide, quick. There's no way I'm letting her catch me in here. She'll call my mother for sure. Ugh! Why couldn't I just make it to the end of the day without being seen! _

Ali grabbed Emily's forearm. She dragged the brunette to her feet. "Follow me." She instructed.

Emily turned to look at their bags and books, which were still strewn across the floor. "Ali, our stuff." She said, indicating with her hand to where they'd been sitting just moments before.

_Fuck our stuff! We have to hide! _Ali thought.

"Leave it! It'll be fine we'll get it later. _Please, _Emily, I have to hide! Like, now!" Ali said, dragging Emily further back into the stacks.

"Okay, okay! But where? There's nowhere to go, Ali." Emily said, a doubtful look crossing her face.

_Yes there is! _Ali thought, pulling Emily towards the back of the room. Right in the corner of the library, tucked away between two filing cabinets, was an old supply closet. Ali headed straight for it. She'd been in there before, when her and Noel Kahn had snuck a bottle of shots into school. They'd hidden in there and got drunk a couple of years before.

Emily followed Ali willingly. Alison darted towards the door, pulling the knob to the right sharply as she flung the door open.

"Quick, get inside." She instructed, practically shoving Emily into the door frame.

Emily caught herself before she went flying inside. She stopped at the door and turned to face Ali.

"I don't wanna go in there it smells all musty!" She complained.

Alison rolled her eyes. _Oh for god sake, I don't have time for this! _ "Emily! Get in the closet! Now!" She didn't have time to appreciate the irony of her statement because she could hear the clicking of Mrs Lances's shoes creeping closer. She gave Emily another hard shove and the brunette fell into the open doorway, Alison was only a fraction of an inch behind.

Ali pulled the door closed with a bang. She clicked the tiny lock into place, sealing them inside. The room was tiny, and smelled of musty old books. There was hardly any room to breathe, let alone stand. The light had gone out long ago, and most of the contents of the room had been long forgotten. Nobody _ever _used this closet.

Ali tried to catch her breath. She could feel Emily pressed up against her body, and the closeness sent a shiver through her. The space was a claustrophobic's worst nightmare. The two girls were practically standing on top of each other. Both girls were panting with excitement, and fear. The room was silent, but for their laboured breathing. Ali could feel Emily's breath against her own, in the darkness. There didn't seem to be much air in the room, it was filled with a hot, closed off humidity. She could only just make out the outline of Emily's face, and as her eyes adjusted to the dark, she could faintly see the brunettes lips, a fraction of a centimetre away from her own.

"Ali…" Emily began to speak.

Alison pressed her finger to Emily's lips to quieten her. "Shh." She whispered. "She'll hear us." Emily nodded.

Ali didn't remove her finger from Emily's lips. She let it linger, and could feel Emily's breath against her hand. She just stood in front of her, gazing up into her eyes. Emily looked right back at her, not blinking. They both heard the clicking of heels at the same time. Ali held her breath, and she felt Emily do the same. Both girls stayed absolutely still as they listened to the footsteps pass by the door.

Once they were sure the footsteps had gone, Alison slowly removed her finger from Emily's mouth. The two girls let out the breath they had been holding.

"Is she gone?" Emily whispered, as quietly as she could.

Ali nodded. The closeness between her and emily was suddenly very palpable. Being in such a confined space with the brunette was maddening. _How the hell am I supposed to not kiss her. You know, you could. You could, in here_. _Nobody would see._ She told herself. She knew it was bad, and she would have to deal with it all later, but she'd already slipped up once today, what did one more time matter?

She brought her hand to rest on Emily's hip, and she felt the brunette suck in a desperate breath. _God, Emily. Don't. Please. Not now. We're too close… _Alison's heart hammered so loudly she was sure Emily could hear it. She heard Emily swallow loudly in the darkness.

"Should…should we leave, now?" Emily stammered quietly, her voice was low, and husky. Ali could feel the desire rolling off of her. _No. I want to stay. I want to stay in here, with you. I want to stay in this secret place, where nobody can see us. _She knew that the last thing in the world Emily would want to do, would be to leave this room. Ali was right there with her. She felt exactly the same way.

Ali shook her head. She stepped a little closer to Emily, so that their breasts were pressed up against each other's, through their shirts. Ali swallowed thickly. She felt her whole body tingle, inside. Alison's mouth was so close to Emily's that she could almost feel their lips touch. They were _so_ close, almost close enough to kiss.

Ali moved her hand slightly so that it was underneath Emily's shirt, but still on her hip. She lightly brushed her thumb across Emily's lower stomach, once. She slowly caressed the skin there, with just the vaguest of touches, and she felt Emily's stomach jolt under her fingertips. She couldn't be sure, but she thought the brunette had her eyes closed. She could hear Emily's shallow breathing echo throughout the room, and she was pretty sure her own breathing sounded the same. She could feel Emily's ragged breath against her lips, and her body shuddered at the proximity. The tension rose to a thousand degrees, and they couldn't hold back, any more.

Neither girl knew who leaned in first. When they were together like this, it just seemed to _happen._ Ali closed her eyes as she felt their lips smash together in a searing kiss. Immediately, Emily's hand travelled to the back of Ali's head. She deepened the kiss, sliding her tongue into Ali's mouth, and Alison pulled her closer by the hips, kissing her back, hard. _Oh, fuck it, fuck it all. _Ali thought. She was surprised by the dominance that Emily was showing. She had no idea Emily could be this forceful. Their kisses were bruising, and passionate. Gone was the tenderness of their previous kiss. This was animalistic, and raw. This was every kind of kiss Alison had wanted to take from Emily since that day at the kissing rock. Ali moved her hands to Emily's back, pulling her impossibly close. She just couldn't get close _enough._ She felt her hands frantically claw at the material of Emily's shirt, gathering it up in her fists as she leaned up and into the kiss a little more forcefully, trying to get back the control. Emily let her take over with a quiet moan, and slowed down her kisses as she allowed Alison to walk them backwards a step. But there was nowhere to go. Both girls stumbled back into the wall and Emily's back hit it, hard. She made a noise which was half a grunt and half a moan. The noise made Alison's body ignite with arousal, and adrenaline. They didn't break their kiss, Ali just kept right on going, and Emily let her.

Ali held Emily against the wall. She moved one hand up to the back of Emily's neck and pulled her harder against her mouth, letting their tongues massage each other in an eternal dance. The kiss was bruising, and Ali shook with the intensity of it. The kiss built up, faster and faster until their teeth clashed together and the sounds of their small gasps filled the room. Their lips met over and over again and both girls moaned sensually into each other's mouths. Ali could feel Emily's hands reach up to her face, and without stopping their kiss, Emily tilted her head to the opposite side, forcefully deepening their kiss once more with a desperate gasp. Ali kissed her back just as hard, feeling a frantic desire sweep through her body. She felt it settle between her legs, and she choked out a harsh moan against Emily's mouth.

_God, you need to stop. Stop before it goes any further. _She could barely think straight. With all the power she had, she forced herself to stop. It took everything in her to break the kiss. She pulled back finally, to catch her breath. She couldn't look Emily in the eyes. She couldn't even open her own. She removed her hands from behind Emily's neck and placed both her palms flat against the wall on either side of Emily's head, so that she was no longer touching her body. The brunette was trapped now, between her arms on either side, and her body in front. Ali felt dizzy. She could hear her ragged breathing mirroring Emily's in the darkness as both girls tried to catch their breath. She kept her eyes squeezed tightly shut. _Don't look. If you open your eyes and you see her face, you won't be able to stop. You need to stop. _

_Fuck. Oh, God. _Ali thought. She was terrified of what had just happened. The worst part was, she didn't want to let Emily go. She had her right there, in the closet, pinned between her arms and her body. Emily wasn't moving. She knew Emily would stay there forever if Ali let her. But she knew she had to stop._ I want to keep her. I can't keep her. I can't. I have to let her go. _

She slowly opened her eyes, and looked up at Emily darkly. What she saw, was breathtaking. Emily was breathing heavily, and her eyes were closed. She looked absolutely out of breath, and she was shaking. It was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.

_Wow. She will be the death of me. God, I am in so much trouble. If this keeps happening…I might just fall in love with her. Am I, already? _

Ali watched Emily's flustered face with adoration. She didn't get the chance to enjoy it for long, though. A loud voice erupted from behind the door. "Girls! I know you're hiding in there! Come out of there, this instant."

Ali jumped back away from Emily. The brunette stayed pinned to the wall, as if she was unable to move.

Alison recognised the voice behind the door immediately. _Fuck Frenchie and everyone she knows! That bitch found us! How does she do that! Fuck her stupid red heels and her abnormally large nose! God, did she hear us in here? Or did she just get lucky? Did she find us because we slammed into the wall? Did it make a noise? Oh, fuck this stupid closet! I am so screwed. I am so, so screwed. _

Ali gave Emily a panicked look, but Emily could do nothing but grin back. She looked like she had just won the lottery._ She looks happier than she's ever looked in her life._ _Oh fuck, I'm so going to have to deal with all this, later. I've really fucked everything to hell, now. Shit. _

The door knob shook, and Ali grabbed it with her hand to steady it.

"Alison. I _know_ you're in there. And you too, Miss Fields. Your things are lying in the middle of the floor behind the book stacks. There's nowhere left to run to. You're going to have to come out and face your punishment, Miss DiLaurentis. You might as well give up now. Open the door. Immediately. Get _out_ of that closet, right now." Mrs Lance barked.

That seemed to shock Emily out of her stupor. She suddenly removed herself from her place at the wall. "I think the games up, Ali." She whispered in defeat.

Ali turned to face Emily. She tilted her head, and grinned. "The game is _never_ over. Not until I say it is." She said in defiance.

She unlocked the door and pushed it sharply open, knocking Mrs Lance backwards a few steps. She ducked quickly under the teachers arm and ran as fast as she possibly could through the library. She never looked back.

**Authors Note: well! That was possibly one of the hardest, and most exciting scenes to write. I literally stressed so much over this one. I love this scene just as much as the rest of you guys so I really wanted to make it special. I seriously hope you guys liked it. I know how important this scene is in the emison universe and I'm terrified of y'all's response lol! I think I'll go hide behind a pillow, or something. I really hope you guys enjoyed it. I couldn't help myself with the "in the closet" references! Ha! Poor Emily might get a bit of a shock, soon. The locker room scene is fast approaching, as is Alison's disappearance. There will be some jealous Ali on the run stuff too! Or at least, that's the plan. It depends on what you guys wanna see! If you have any ideas or suggestions, I'm always open! Also, If you could tell me what you think of the A stuff I wrote about at the top of this chapter, that would help me out IMMENSELY. Thank you SO SO SO much for your reviews. You are honestly all such wonderful, kind people. There aren't enough words for how much I appreciate you all!. My Twitter is hauntedtwilight. **


	16. Girl Crush

**Authors Note: firstly, thank you to the people who have shared their own personal experiences on the reviews. I wish all of you the very best and I hope everything works out well for you guys, I really do.**

**Secondly, wow! The response you guys had to the last chapter was simply amazing. I am so glad you liked the library scene, it was my favourite one to write so far. I'm also SO thankful for your input about the whole 'A' thing. You've got no idea how much I needed your input. You're helping me beyond explanation. I definitely get the Impression you guys don't want A in here as much as I don't! Which is a relief lol! I still haven't quite figured out quite how I'm going to do it yet, but it'll probably be going off canon slightly for Ali's disappearance. I'm beyond glad that you guys don't mind! And for all you guys who are worrying…don't worry, Emison is always endgame lol! ;) I know that they definitely have to go through a process though. A big part of this story is about how and more importantly WHY they make the decisions they do. Especially regarding Ali. She's got to go through a learning curve, and she's going to get a shock soon. Like I say, there will probably be some time jumps, and there will also be scenes you guys will recognise, so you'll be able to fill in some blanks! Miss me x 100 will still be the same, don't worry! Hehe! I hope you guys are enjoying this process as much as I am! Poor Ali, she's totally confused…did someone say in a review that they missed Cece? Because you might just be in luck! Here is girl crush! **

People always say that you shouldn't ever regret anything in life. They say that every mistake is a learning curve. They say that as long as you learn from it, you can grow…you can become a better person. Once you make the mistake once, you'll learn how to never make it again. Alison DiLaurentis hadn't perfected that skill. Yet.

_Fuck it all to hell. Fuck everything. Fuck my life. _Ali thought, slipping into her bed. She pulled the covers tight around her body and hugged her diary tight to her chest. She _dreaded _what she was about to write, but it had to be done. Nobody could know the truth, and if anyone had seen what had happened in the library, she would need a damn good cover for it.

In large blue letters, she scrawled the words **GIRL CRUSH** across the top of the page. She began to write her public lie.

_So, girl crush kissed me today. To be fair, I kissed her back and it was good. But I definitely don't have feelings for her the same way she's had them for me since she was 15. How no one else has noticed this besides me is mind blowing. I may be more attentive to these sorts of things than most people, but GC is so obvious about it that her eyes might as well be permanently glued to me. Funny thing is, if I hadn't let her kiss me, she may have never admitted, even to herself, what she really is. I better make sure she doesn't think what happened between us meant anything. I was just doing her a favour. She should thank me, really. Maybe now she can admit who, and what, she is. Maybe she will finally stop following me around like a little lost lamb. _

Ali slammed the pen down. Tears threatened to fall from her eyes, and she forced them back. She took a deep breath. Writing the lies down was getting harder and harder. She knew it was necessary, though. If anyone had seen her and Emily in the library, it would be the end of her reputation. _Everyone_ would find out, and they'd _all_ talk about her. She couldn't afford to let that happen.

Ali picked up her invisible ink pen, and stared down at it in sorrow. She sighed as she let her emotions pour out of her. The tears then flowed freely down her face as she put pen to paper, and began to write.

_I've got to make sure this never happens again. God, this is going to crush her. This is going to hurt her so, so badly. What if she hates me? What if I lose her. This is all my fault. I knew I couldn't keep her. Why did I let it go that far? I know I'm going to have to break her heart now. Fuck. I can't do it. I can't do it to her._

_What happened, CANNOT happen again. If someone saw…FUCK what if somebody saw? God, I can't have this continue. It happened so publicly, and it's going to happen again, I know it. Now that she's been that brave once, she'll want to keep trying. This is going to kill Emily. She's going to absolutely hate me. She looked __so__ happy today. I finally let her think she had a chance, and now I'm going to have to take it away. Why can't this just stay private. Why can't I keep having her? I want to, but I know it's got to stop. Fuck, I can't __keep__ having 'secret places' where 'secret kisses' happen, without there being consequences. I should have known better. I should have known that one day, those secrets would become public. Now we're kissing out in the open, in the middle of the school library for fuck sake. _

_Then…we kissed again, in the supply closet. Anybody could have opened that closet door and seen us. ANYONE. As it happened, that Frenchie fucker caught us in there. She didn't see the kiss. But she COULD have. What if we'd forgotten to lock the door? What if she'd opened it. Fuck, what if she heard me moan? Because I did, LOUDLY! And so did Emily. What if, what if, what if. ANYBODY could have caught us. Someone could have caught us. That's the whole __point._ _That's why it has to stop. _

_That stupid bitch finally caught up to me. I managed to run away from her for most of the day, but I had that damn English test. And she knew it. _

_Mrs Lance – 1_

_Alison -3 _

_I'm still winning, though. _

_She stood by the fucking door for the last ten minutes of the test and waited for me to finish. I've got detention for a week, great. She also said she would call my mother. I'll have to disconnect the phone line again. I don't know if Emily got in any trouble when I left her in the library. Probably not, she didn't really do anything wrong. She's a good girl. I'm the bad one. I'm the one that fucks up. I wish I had just half the kindness that girl has. _

_Fuck everything to hell. Fuck it all. God, to break that kind heart just kills me. I don't know if I'll be strong enough. I thought I was helping her. I thought it was all to make her realise who she really was…but it's not, really. It's me. It was all for me. I'm a selfish person, I'll admit. I just wanted to kiss her, and I wanted her to admit her feelings for me. Well fuck, she finally did, didn't she! Now what! I'm such a fucking genius aren't I. Great plan, Ali. Now you've fucked yourself over. And Emily. Emily will feel this worse than I will. I gave her something she's wanted desperately since the day we met. I gave her the stolen kisses, and the promise of more. Fuck, it's worse than that. I gave her __hope.__ That's probably the most upsetting part. Her eyes are full of it. I can see it in the way she looks at me. Now that she's finally got what she wanted, and been bold enough to take it, she's going to think it means it's going to go somewhere. And it can't. It can't go anywhere. It's not possible. _

_When she kissed me, it was so sweet, and so innocent. I told her I loved her. I didn't even know I'd said it until the words were out of my mouth. FUCK. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. Do I love her? I don't want to think about it. I can't. What use is it? It's got to stop. No. I'm not talking about that. I'm not._

_Her skin, her mouth, her moans. Her legs in those shorts...FUCK. Everything! I want everything and I've got to give it back. How on Earth am I supposed to stay away. I've got to make it happen. I will. I'll have to. There's no other way. My heart aches already at the pain I've got to cause her. I'm probably being __so __selfish. It's her that's going to be in pain, not me. I JUST DON'T KNOW ANY MORE. I don't know what I'm DOING! Fuck, I can't stop crying. I don't give a shit any more. I want to cry this all out now so that I don't cry when I have to end it. If I just get rid of all these tears, maybe I'll have none left when I see her heart break. And it will break. I know it will. She's always loved me, and now she thinks this can carry on. I just…I can't. _

_I've got to do it, and I don't know how. I dread seeing her again. How can I look at that face knowing what I've got to do? How can I look at her? I couldn't look at her after we kissed, either. When we kissed in that fucking closet. I knew…I knew then and there, when I pulled away, that I couldn't carry on. I didn't __want__ to stop. And that's how I knew I had to. If I didn't stop then and there, I think I would have probably…done other things with her. The taste of her mouth…her skin…her body, I just…I don't know. All I know is I __wanted her.__ I can't believe I'm saying that. I really can't. It's true, though. I think I would have done more than just kiss her. And that terrifies me. I CAN'T be thinking things like that. I've let myself get way too far in all this. It's time to stop, NOW. I let myself get carried away, and it's way too dangerous to continue. _

_Emily is going to end up being gay. That's the end result. She just hasn't got there yet. She's on her way, though. That's why she's starting to become braver. One day she'll be able to kiss a girl in public, and it won't be a big deal to her. Fuck, I __want__ that for her. Well…maybe not the kissing someone else part. But the idea of it. I want her to be herself. It's okay that she's gay, and I want her to realise that. I want her to think it's okay. Because that's __her. __That's not __me. __It can't be. I refuse to accept it. What I'm going through…it's just about her. That's all this is. It's __only__ her. If I can control it, it'll go away. Then I'll be fine…then I'll be normal. _

_Fucking 'girl crush'…I am such a bitch. Why did I write that? If she ever sees the diary, she's not going to understand at all. She won't, but other people will. Seeing what I wrote will be like a stab in the back to her. Or maybe she'll expect it from me, I don't know. I hope she __never__ sees it. I hope nobody does, but just in case it's ever found…it's there as an insurance policy. If any one saw what happened between us, I'll be able to prove that it meant nothing to me. Even worse, still…is the fact that the truth…the __real__ truth, will be right in front of her. She just won't know it's there. She won't even know how to find it, it'll be invisible to anyone who dares to look. Fuck. This is awful. I'm so fucking confused. _

_I've made up my mind, and this is the end of it. It's got to stop. I need to __MAKE__ it stop. No matter what I have to do, no matter what I have to say…I will make it clear that's it's over. _

Ali slowly put her diary away in her dresser, and crawled back under the comforter. She tugged it tightly around her body and reached behind her head to grasp her pillow. She pushed it across her face, burying her head into it as far as she could. She used it to muffle a desperate, painful scream. Her fingers gripped the pillow harshly, as she let out all the anger, despair, and frustration she was feeling. Thankfully, the pillow did what it was intended to do. It masked the noise of her pain. It could mask the noise, but not the feeling she had inside herself. She felt as though nothing in the world could take it away. She ached to be rid of it.

_My god. I hope nobody heard that. What would they think? _Ali thought, as she pulled the pillow away from her face. Being able to scream like that _had_ calmed her down a little, though. _I need to find a way to deal with this. I just want this over. _She thought.

Ali sat up in her bed, and wiped her eyes. The tear tracks that were streaked across her face looked atrocious, and she knew it. She could feel how puffy her eyes were from crying, and she knew she looked a complete mess. _You have to pull yourself together, you have to get this out of your system now. You can't act like this when you do it. You can't cry in front of Emily. You have to be cold. You have to be strong. And you have to act like you mean it. _

Alison stood up from the bed and paced around her room. She was restless, and in serious need of a friend to talk to. She so rarely spoke to anyone about her feelings. She was a person who preferred to deal with everything on her own. But this time, she really, _really_ could use some advice. She knew she would probably regret the conversation she was about to have, but she picked up her phone and dialled, all the same.

_It's only eight o'clock, please don't be out. Please be home. Please be home._

She heard it ring for a few seconds, before a cheery voice picked up with a familiar greeting.

"Hey there, little sis. What's up?" Cece Drake said.

She wasn't Alison's _actual_ sister…she was more like a mentor. She was the big sister Ali _wished_ she had. The girl was older, and had taught Alison practically everything she knew about manipulation, and secrecy. She wasn't exactly what you'd call a best friend, but she was the person who knew the most about her. Ali usually loathed anyone knowing her secrets, but she could never hide anything from Cece. The girl had helped create her, after all. She knew every trick that Alison had, precisely because _she _was the one who had given her the talent to be evasive.

"Nothing." Ali said quietly. "Just thought I'd see how you were." She lied.

"Don't bullshit me, blondie." Cece answered curtly. "You never call just to _check in_. What's going on? Do we have another snot nosed little pest to get rid of?" She said excitedly. She was of course referring to Paige McCullers.

Ali sighed. "No, she's off the radar." She said in a monotone voice.

"Then what's up? Why do you sound like someone just stole all your hair products and left you looking like Samantha Ronson?" Cece laughed. Ali didn't.

_Great. First derogatory lesbian reference of the conversation and I haven't even started yet. This is going to go so well, I can tell. _Ali thought, suddenly getting nervous.

"It's…it's nothing." _Yes it is. You need to talk to someone about this. You don't have to tell her everything, but you can't just keep this to yourself._ She thought.

"Ali, spit it out. This is getting boring, and I have a party to get to." Cece said in an irritated manner.

_Oh fucking Christ, here we go. "_Well, alright…fine." Ali started. She sat down on her bed and made herself comfortable. She knew Cece would pull it out of her eventually, anyway.

"I need some advice, Cece. And like, seriously this time. You're not allowed to laugh, okay." Ali warned. "This is serious, I mean it."

"Oh for fuck sake, Ali! What is it? Did you get yourself pregnant or something? _Please_ tell me you're not that idiotic." Cece questioned.

"No! Of course not!" Ali said. "It's nothing like that…it's…it's…" But she couldn't finish. The words just wouldn't come out.

"Is it the Ian thing again?" Cece chuckled slightly. "Ali, are you calling me for sex advice again? Because I already told you, if you're going to do it, you gotta take it slow the first few times. You can't just _jump_ on top of someone and go right at it. Please don't tell me you're going to ask me how to give a guy a…"

"NO!" Ali yelled. "God, Cece it's not about that! Stop! You're cringing me out!" Ali grimaced.

"Oh thank god! I _actually _thought for a second I was going to have to explain to you what a clitoris is!" Cece burst out laughing.

Ali was irritated. "I _know_ what it is, I'm not that naïve! And it's not anything to do with that, or with Ian. It's not about sex at all, okay!" She said in an exasperated tone.

"Alright, alright! Calm down little vixen, calm down!" Cece laughed. "Well if it's not about Mr 'likes little girls' then what's it about?"

Ali took a deep breath. _Alright, just…tell her. It can't be that hard, right? Fuck. It is. It is hard. What if she laughs at me? _

"It's…I think…I think…that I like someone. Someone I shouldn't like." Ali struggled. She was finding it extremely difficult to admit, and even harder to say out loud.

"Ooh! Scandal!" Cece exclaimed. Ali could almost see her happy expression through the phone. There was nothing Cece enjoyed more than a bit of gossip.

Ali stayed quiet. She wasn't quite sure how to continue. She waited for the interrogation to start. It was inevitable.

"Well, who is it?" Cece asked. "Eww, it's not that creepy Matt guy again is it?"

"No." Ali said flatly.

"Ooh! Is it someone _new! _You've been holding out on me blondie! Wait…is it a teacher? Ali, are you fucking a teacher! Come _on_ say something, tell me!" She ordered.

Ali huffed. _I can't say it. It's too difficult. This was such a mistake. She's not going to let up now, though. Not until she knows. _

"If I tell you who it is…do you swear you won't say a word?" Ali asked. She waited nervously for her friends response.

"Of course." Cece answered. "It's me, who would I tell?"

_Oh, probably everyone._ Ali thought. _No. She wouldn't, actually. God, I hope she doesn't. I hope I can trust her. After what I did for her when she broke up with her boyfriend…she owes me._

"Look…it's complicated…." Ali trailed off. She knew she was stalling.

"For fuck sake, Ali. I may _look_ like a beauty Queen, but I sure as hell don't have the brain of one. I'm _sure_ I can keep up. Out with it. Now. Or I'm hanging up." Cece threatened.

Ali squeezed her eyes shut. _Here we go. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

"It's Emily." She said quickly. She shut her eyes and waited for the laughter. Cece was quiet for a second.

"What about Emily? Ali, I wanna know who you like... don't change the subject!" Cece warned.

_Fuck, great. She doesn't get it. So much for not having the brain of a beauty Queen. I can't believe I have to say this out loud, again._

"No, Cece...it's Emily. I like Emily." Ali murmured quietly. She felt a burning in her eyes as tears threatened to fall.

"Wait…" Cece started. "Emily as in…your friend Emily? The swimmer?" Cece questioned. She sounded confused.

"Yeah." Ali said.

"Emily as in…_girl_ Emily? Emily…who is a girl?" Cece's voice raised a little as she spoke.

_Click. There it is. _Ali thought.

"Yeah." Ali said again, in the same flat voice as before.

"Oh...OH! Oh my god…" Cece exclaimed.

_Here we go. Fuck._

"Wait, Ali. I'm not getting this." Cece said. She sounded completely bewildered.

"There's not much to get, really. I think I like Emily, that's it." Ali admitted. _Well, you've said it now. Let the fallout commence._

"So…you like Emily? Are you gay? Is that what you're trying to tell me? Help me out, here. I'm so confused." Cece questioned.

"No! I'm not gay! Ugh, I _knew_ you'd say that!" Ali exclaimed.

"Well it's kinda hard sweetie! You just told me you like a girl? _Hello…_that's kinda gay, Ali!" Cece reasoned.

"I'm not gay! Stop saying that!" Ali answered angrily. "Its not…it's not _all_ girls, okay. It's just her. Just lately…I've been feeling…differently…about her." Alison tried to explain.

"Different how? So…wait, it's just her, right? Nobody else…just the swimmer?" Cece asked.

"Yeah. It's _only_ her. It's scaring the shit out of me, Cece." Ali admitted. Her voice trembled slightly and her hand shook as it held the phone.

"Okay…right. Well…okay." Cece said, puzzling through it all. She finally seemed to understand. "Oh hun…if it's _just_ her, then it's probably just a silly crush! You're young, you're going to feel things like this every now and again. It's normal to experiment when you're young. Everyone does it." Cece said in a matter of fact tone.

_It's not just a crush. I've been over this with myself and it's not. If it was just a crush it would have gone away by now. _

"They do?" Ali asked.

"Yeah, of course! Look, it's okay to have a bit of a girl crush every now and again. Hell, there are some girls on the track team at college that I'd even have trouble saying no to! It's just a silly thing. You're getting yourself all worked up over nothing. What happened, did you just see her in swimwear one day and get some kind of 'inappropriate feels' going on?" Cece laughed loudly.

"Yeah." Ali lied. "Something like that…I guess."

_No. I got the inappropriate 'feels' the first time I saw her. Since then, it's gone way deeper than that. Now it's like an atom bomb inside my body whenever we touch. Pretty sure that's_ _not just a crush. Great. This isn't helping me at all. She thinks it's just a little girl crush, and I have no idea how to tell her how deep this really goes. She'll totally think I'm gay or something if I tell her how I've really been feeling. She thinks it's some stupid experiment thing. Fine, let her think that. I can't deal with this. This was a mistake. Nobody can help me._

Cece was quiet for a moment. She gasped suddenly, making Ali jump. "Oh my god! Oh my GOD!" She yelled down the phone.

"What!?" Ali cried.

"YOU! You are _such_ a liar! Oh my god! You _totally_ aren't telling me everything!" Cece hollered.

"What! Yes I am!" Ali lied.

"Um..._hello! _'Letter to pigskin' ring any _bells_? I _know _you're lying. You _totally_ sent that letter because you were jealous! I can't believe I've only just caught on! I was _there_, remember? Fuck, Ali. This has been going on for _ages_, hasn't it!" Cece proclaimed.

_Oh fuck! I forgot about that! Fuck no! Now I can't even lie! It's so obvious! _

_"_Fuck." Ali said out loud.

"Oh sweetie! Come on, tell me. What the hell is going on with you? Ali, just how much do you like this girl? Don't lie to me either. Did you do all that to that Paige girl because you were jealous? Or not? I thought it was just some dumb game…but it meant more to you, didn't it?" Cece probed.

Ali took another deep breath. "Yeah." She admitted. "I guess…it did mean more." She breathed heavily.

"I knew it! Girl…you got some claws! I can't believe you! Why didn't you tell me that's what it was about!You better tell me what's been going on, blondie. I want the full story!" Cece ordered.

Ali didn't know what to say. "Look, it's…it's just a silly thing. You're probably right. Maybe I just saw Paige and worried that she'd take Emily away from me. Maybe that's why I got so jealous. I think I might be mixing up my feelings. Maybe it's just jealousy. Maybe I don't like Emily like that after all." Ali lied, but it wasn't very convincing.

"Ali I can tell when you're lying. I taught you how, remember? Seriously, I don't give a shit _what _you are, so stop dodging my questions and let me help you._" _Cece said pointedly.

Ali knew she was right. "I don't _know_, okay! I don't know what I'm feeling! That's the _point_ Cece. That's why I called you!" Ali said desperately.

She was seriously regretting ever bringing this up. Saying it out loud to another person was _way_ harder than saying it to herself. It suddenly all felt very _real._ And very scary.

"Well hun, you're full of surprises. I gotta say, you really got me on this one. That's the last thing I thought you'd ever say to me." Cece said.

"_Trust me_. It's the last thing I thought I'd ever say to you, too." Ali agreed.

"Well look, just be honest with me, do you wanna, you know…fuck her?" Cece asked bluntly.

"Cece!" Ali exclaimed. She was shocked. _Oh my god I cannot have this conversation. I can't. _

"What? It's a perfectly normal question. You either wanna fuck the girl or you don't." Cece stated.

"Cece, it's more complicated than that. Things are just…they're complicated, okay. She's my friend. I let it get too far. I want it over and done with, and I don't know how. I just want all this to go _away." _Ali said desperately.

_Just tell me how to take these feelings away. There's got to be a way. Just tell me how, please. God, please tell me how._

"Wait…what do you mean you let it get _too_ far?" Cece asked in a scandalous tone.

_Ugh. Great. I should have known she'd pick that up._

Ali sighed. She didn't know how to answer.

"I…we..." She trailed off. _Fuck. I can't. I just can't. _

"You what?" Cece interrupted. "Alison DiLaurentis, you _what?" _She asked again.

"We might have...I might have…we might have kissed. Okay." Ali didn't know what to do with herself. Her heart was hammering in her chest so loudly she could actually hear it inside her head, and her cheeks were burning with embarrassment. _Oh my god, she's going to laugh at me. She's going to think this is all so weird._

"You might have? Or you have?" Cece asked in a demanding tone.

"We have. I did. I kissed her. She's kissed me. It was only a couple of times. I just…couldn't help it. It just happened. Cece, I _swear_ I'm not gay. It's just, sometimes…with Emily…I feel like I want to kiss her. I know she likes me, I've always known. But sometimes when we're alone, I feel like I like her, too. I'm _really _confused." Ali said, her voice breaking a little.

"Okay." Cece said.

"_Okay?_" Ali questioned. "That's it?"

"Well yeah, what do you want me to say? You like her and you kissed her, what's the problem."

"The problem is she's a _girl! _Obviously! Duh!" Ali said.

"So?"

"What do you mean, _so?"_ Ali asked, bewildered. _Come on Cece, you're supposed to be helping me._

"Well I'm sort of confused here, Ali. You've told me you're not gay. Which, okay, fine. But you've also told me that you like your friend, and that you've kissed her. A few times, by the sounds of it. So what's the issue? It sounds like you're quite enjoying it, to me." Cece tittered.

_Enjoying it? What part of it sounds like I'm enjoying it? Doesn't she understand what this means? Of course she doesn't! She's in college! I bet they do all sorts over there and nobody gives a shit. Girls, guys, whatever. I bet she's seen it all. She doesn't understand what this means for me. What this means for my reputation. She doesn't understand that this is NOT okay. _

"Yes! I am! That IS the problem!" Ali shouted.

"I need this to stop, Cece. And I don't know how. I don't want this. I just want to be like everyone else, okay. I don't want this to keep happening. I don't know how to stop. Help me, _please_." She pleaded.

"Well, just tell her then. If you want to end it, just tell her." Cece said in a tone which indicated that this should all be obvious to Alison. "Or…just stop shoving your tongue down her throat." She laughed.

"It's not funny, Cece. You don't understand. I tried that, already. It just made everything worse. The way she looks at me sometimes…it's just too hard. I can't stay away." Ali admitted.

"Well, if you're that determined to end it, and I don't see why you are...if you ask me…it sounds like you're quite happy with your tongue…"

"I didn't ask you." Ali interrupted sharply.

"Hey! Watch the attitude, blondie. I'm trying to help you." Cece said sternly. "I'm just saying…and don't bite my head off or anything, but you seem to be totally into her. Like, I've not heard you get this worked up over someone before, what is it about her?"

"Sorry." Ali said. "It's just...you don't understand. Emily is a really good person. Like, really good. Its just so hard not to be with her when I'm…with her, if you know what I mean. When she's that close…things just happen. They always just…_happen." _Ali said in a quiet voice.

"She likes you, right?" Cece said suddenly. "I mean…I remember this from before. You used to say she'd do anything you said, right? But is she in love with you?"

"Always. Since…just always." Ali said sadly. _She's always been in love with me. I think she was that very first day, in the classroom. She's always been there._

"Well then, hun…if you're absolutely dead set on stopping what you're doing, you're gonna have to make her_ not_ like you. That's the only way it's going to stop. If you can't have any self control yourself…and _clearly _you have none…" Cece laughed. "Then you're going to have to find a way to make her stop liking you so much. At the very least, make her think she doesn't have a chance." She concluded.

_And there it is. That's the advice that I was asking for. There's my answer. I knew she'd say that. I hate it. I hate it all. God, I hate it so, so much. Why can't there be another way._

"How the hell do I do that without breaking her heart? It'll hurt her so much." Ali said sadly.

"Wow." Cece exclaimed. "I think that's the first time I've ever heard you care about someone else's feelings."

"Thanks!" Ali said sarcastically.

"Well, am I wrong?" Cece asked.

"No, you're not wrong." Ali said flatly. _God, she's not wrong at all. I don't care about anyone, ever. Why is it that I care about this girl so much? How has this happened to me?_

"Ali…it just sounds to me like you're awfully invested in this person. Are you _sure_ there isn't something more going on here? Is this really something you want to end?"

"Yes." She said. A small tear rolled slowly down her cheek. _No. No it's not, but I have to._

"Ali, are you _sure._" Cece asked again, a little more forcefully.

"Mm hmm." Ali sniffed. She wiped the tear away from her face with her sleeve and took a deep breath.

_No. I don't want to end it at all. But this is what has to be done. I'm not gay, and I can't have everyone thinking I am. I can't have anyone seeing what's going on. It needs to stop._

Cece didn't sound convinced. "Look, Alison….I get it, okay. I get what you're saying. But I _know you_, remember. I know this is obviously a serious thing for you, I can hear it in your voice.

"It's very serious." Ali admitted quietly.

"I don't like anything upsetting you like this. I've never heard you sound this confused. You're clearly not dealing with it all very well." Cece said kindly.

_I'm not dealing with it at all, that's the problem._

"I just need it to go away. I'll be fine. I just need it gone, and then I can go back to normal." Ali said, trying to convince herself. _I wish I hadn't told her. Saying it out loud has just made me sound weak. I knew this is what would happen to me. I knew Emily would make me weak…_

"Well…you know what to do then." Cece stated.

_Make her stop liking me. Make her think she doesn't have a chance. _Ali thought.

"Yeah. I do. I know. I just…it's going to be hard." Ali admitted.

"Look hun, if you're not ready to deal with this yet, then it's better to be cruel than to be kind. You're gonna have to suck it up and sort it out. If you got yourself in this mess willingly, then you're the only one who can get yourself out of it. From the sounds of it, Emily is just going to keep on wanting you, and if you _really_ can't deal with that, then do what you gotta do, chick." Cece said.

"What if I keep wanting her?" Ali said sadly. "What if I _can't_ stay away…how do I deal with that?"

"Look, Ali. It's like trying on a pair of heels. Sometimes you buy them even though you know it's going to hurt to wear them. But you get them anyway, because you want them. You wear them once, and they look _so _good, but they hurt too much. So once you've worn them once, you never wear them again, you just leave them in the closet. Some things are better to just look at. Not wear. You don't have to throw her away…just keep her to look at. She's pretty. I can see why you'd want to…you know…try them on." Cece chirped.

"What?" Ali answered. She was totally confused. "Are you saying Emily is a pair of shoes?"

"No! She's a pair of heels!" Cece said as if Ali was stupid.

Ali frowned. _This conversation is going nowhere. I need to wrap it up, now. _

"Okay. I think I get what you're saying. You're saying I should look, but not touch. Right?" Ali asked. "You're saying I've tried it…but that doesn't mean I have to keep having it? You're saying that just _because _I tried it…it doesn't mean that that's what I am?"

"Yeah, Ali. Look, just because you kissed her a couple of times…doesn't mean you're gay. Okay. I can tell that this is what it's all about. And look, if you keep kissing her…then people _are _going to think it. They just are. There really isn't a 'non gay' way to kiss another girl in public, hun. Sorry, but there's not. Well…unless you're bisexual"

Ali interrupted. "I told you…I'm not bise—"

Cece cut her off. "Shh. Let me finish." She snapped. "Like I was _saying…_it doesn't matter what you are, or aren't. If you kiss her in public then _yes _people _are _going to think that about you. Now hun, regardless of if you are or aren't…you are so _clearly_ not ready for that kind of attention. Like, I can tell how freaked out you are just saying it to me. Babe, if you kiss her and someone sees you…then people _will_ find out, point blank. Now, if you can't handle that, and you don't want people to judge you, then you've got to deal with it. You're a DiLaurentis, and I know exactly why you're worried. I know how hard this is for you. But for God sake, Ali…just do something about it if it's that hard to handle. Basically, if you don't want everyone to think you're gay, then stop _kissing girls_! End of story!" Cece instructed.

"That's easier said than done." Ali said. Cece's words weren't lost on her, though. She was right. People would find out if it carried on. She could tell that her being gay or bisexual wouldn't bother Cece one bit, and while that was comforting, she knew she couldn't be sure of everyone else's opinion. And that really _did_ matter to Ali. What people thought of her was _always_ her first priority.

"Once you've done it Ali, you'll feel better. You can just move on, and get over it." Cece stated.

_I doubt it._ Ali thought_. _

"You think?" Ali muttered.

"Yeah. Listen babe, just get it over with quickly. It's like ripping off a bandaid. Wait until the next time she makes a move, and knock her back. If she's as shy as you're always saying, then that's all it's gonna take. She won't try again after that. You just gotta make sure she knows you mean it. Be firm. It's the only way it'll end for good. For this to work…for it to be over…it can't come from her. It has to come from _you." _Cece instructed.

_She's right. It's got to come from me. Emily would never end it. God, that just makes it all ten times worse. And me…it makes me ten times more awful. I got myself into this. I got us both into this. I pushed and pushed until I backed us into a corner. There's no other way out. I've got to do this. It's got to be me._

"Yeah. Yeah, you're right." Ali said. She was deeply struggling with taking the advice, but she knew she didn't have a choice. She had made her bed, now she had to lie in it. She had built it up to this point. She knew it would end like this eventually, but she had pushed it all the same. This was the consequence. Unfortunately, she had to hurt Emily in the process, and that was the hardest part. She knew she didn't have a choice, though. She couldn't afford for it to become public knowledge, and it was heading that way fast. She had to squash it, hard…before anybody started to notice.

"I will. I'm going to." Ali took a deep breath. _I will. I'll have to. This is it. I've made up my mind. _

"Good. And babe, I'm sure this will all blow over. Next week you'll be calling me asking me how to get rid of a hickey you got from some random guy at the grocery store again!" Cece laughed.

"Hey! That was _one_ time!" Ali retorted.

"Whatever! Still happened!" Cece laughed again. "Look babe, I've gotta go. I've got this party at the beach house to get to. There are some _serious_ beach hotties there! Are you sure you're gonna be okay? I could always come get you? If you wanna sneak out…I've got tequila!" Cece said sneakily. Ali could hear the swish of a bottle in the background.

"No, not tonight. I can't, anyway. If my mom catches me out of the house again I think she'll seriously kill me this time." Ali told Cece.

_I've got the aftermath of Mrs lance's inevitable phone call to deal with. Please let my mom pick up the phone and not my dad. _

She was secretly happy that she couldn't leave the house. She didn't want to go _anywhere _but the safety of her own bed. She just wanted to curl up, and disappear.

"Aww! I _so _don't miss living at home. Look, if you ever need to get away, you know where I am. I'll come get you in a flash, blondie. Okay?" Cece said seriously.

"Thanks, Cece." Ali said honestly. She knew she could always count on Cece to help her out if she needed it. All it would take was one phone call, and Cece would come and get her. Ali knew that, and it made her feel protected. She _needed_ protecting sometimes, if only from herself, and Cece always made it a point to look after her. Ali tried to return the favour whenever she could. She tried to tell herself it was just a mutual protection thing…that she didn't _need_ friends…but she knew that was a lie. She _did_ need Cece.

"No problem, hun. You sure you're going to be okay? If you need any advice, you know where I am." She said kindly. "And Ali…don't worry about this. It'll go away. It's not a big deal. You'll be alright. You're just young. That's all." Cece added.

Ali had the distinct notion that Cece was only saying that to make her feel better. She could tell that she knew there was more going on than she had admitted. She knew that Cece was just being kind. She obviously could tell that Ali didn't want to talk about it, and was trying to make her feel as if it could all be brushed away. She was giving Ali a get out…allowing her to still look brave, and unaffected. She knew how much Alison's reputation meant to her. She was allowing her to save face, at a time when she knew Ali obviously felt embarrassed.

Ali secretly thanked her for that.

_Ugh! What must she think of me. I need to sort myself out. I can't act like this with people. If it's going to stop, then I need to change my attitude. I need to get my voice back. What the fuck has happened to me, lately. Just be the person everybody thinks you are. _

"Yeah! Of course! I'll be totally fine. You know me, I always bounce back. God! This whole thing…I've probably just not had enough sleep. I've been so stressed lately, you know how it is. This whole thing is so stupid, anyway. It'll go away. It's nothing, really! I don't know why I got so worked up about it." Ali put on a loud fake laugh.

"To be honest I'm_B_ probably just bored! Honestly, I get so invested in my little games I need to learn when to stop, don't I!" She laughed again, hoping that Cece would just go with it, even if she didn't believe her.

_Please, please, please. Even if you know I'm lying, just go with it. _

Cece didn't disappoint. "That's the spirit hun, see, I knew you'd be okay, kid." She said with a fake tint to her cheery voice.

"Yeah…anyway…" Ali started. "Enjoy your beach hotties. Save some for me, for next time!" She added scandalously.

"Oh sweetie, I'm about to go rock the boat big style!" Cece laughed.

Ali chuckled for effect. "Alright, well…thanks. I'll catch up with you later." She said.

"Yeah, hun. Chat soon, okay? Let me know how it goes." Cece said.

"Yeah. I will." Ali said quietly. She was struggling to hold on to her nonchalant behaviour.

"Oh! My rides here! Bye, blondie." Cece said, and hung up the phone before Ali could respond.

Ali stared at the phone for a long while before she put it down. _Wow. I actually told someone. I can't believe I told Cece. At least she didn't laugh. _Ali thought.

She looked around her room, lost in a distant haze. Faintly she heard the sound of footsteps on the landing. _Oh god, she's home. _Ali thought. _Just wait until she hears what happened at school, I am so dead. Ugh, I hope that woman forgets to call. I seriously hope she forgets. _

Ali's bedroom door burst open suddenly. She jumped a little in shock. The outline of her father stood in the doorway. His face was an angry red, and he held a glass of whiskey in his hand. _Oh, fuck. No. Why couldn't it be mom. Please tell me Mrs Lance didn't call my dad. This is going to be so, so much worse._

Ali knew that her mother was easier to deal with than her father. Her mom was strict, but easier for Ali to manipulate. Her dad however, was a different story. Her dad had always been a drinker, but nobody outside the family knew of this indiscretion. Her mother would do her best to cover for it, and in turn, she let Ali and Jason get away with far more than she should. Ali always thought it was her way of trying to compensate for all the fights, the smashed furniture, and the angry bruises. If she let Ali have a new top, or a spa break every now and again…then surely it made up for dealing with _this…_right? That was her logic. Ali hated her mother for it, but she made the best out of it. She _always_ had the best clothes, she _always_ got her own way, and she _always _had access to the family money whenever she needed it. As Ali fearfully watched her father enter her room, none of that seemed to matter, though.

The worst part was the unpredictability of it. Some days, after a couple of glasses, he was actually quite funny. He would laugh, and joke, and it wouldn't seem like he was drunk…it would just seem like he was in a _really_ good mood. Those were Alison's favourite days. The other days, however, were not so fun. It usually happened after the fourth glass. That was when he changed. If she was lucky, she could lock herself in her room and ignore him. She could also leave the house, if she wanted. Most nights she did. She would sneak out of her bedroom window and go and meet some boy, or another…some friend...anyone. Anything to get away from the house if he was in a particularly bad mood.

Her lack of stability at home made it even more desirable to create her own stability amongst people she knew. In her own house, she was a tiny little girl. She had absolutely no _real _power. Her father was a tall man. He was strong, too, she knew that. She could manipulate her mother, sure…but her father, that was different. Once he switched, there was no getting round him. The only real power she had was over her friends. She was so used to being powerless around her father, that she took her power elsewhere. It gave Ali a secret satisfaction whenever people did as she told them. She knew it was wrong, deep down. But it was the only thing that made it all easier. If she could just take a little bit of power back from the world, then she felt better about everything else that was going on at home.

Her father took a sip from his glass as he walked slowly up to where Alison was sitting on her bed. She watched him cautiously, leaning her head back to look up at him as he loomed over her.

"Do you think that your education…the education that I pay for…is some kind of a _joke?"_ He spoke in a quiet, menacing tone, and Ali was more unnerved by this than she would have been had he shouted.

"Dad. I'm sorry. I…" She said quickly.

"Don't bullshit me, Alison." He spat. He slammed his glass down on the dresser, making Ali jump.

He looked down at the glass, then stepped closer to the bed, his hands on his hips. He looked Ali straight in the eyes. She daren't look away. "I had an interesting phone call today…from your teacher. Do you know what she told me?" He growled.

Alison stayed quiet.

"WELL!?" He yelled. Ali jumped again. Her hands started to shake. She shifted back on the bed a little, as he leaned closer to her.

"Dad, I know. I'm really sorry. I am. It won't happen again. I promise." She said quickly, trying to diffuse his mood.

"Shut up." He barked. "You stupid, immature girl. I don't want to hear your excuses. Do you know that she called me at _work. _I was in the middle of a meeting, Alison. Instead of working hard to put food on the table for _you_ to come home and eat…I get interrupted. And what does she tell me? That you're acting up again. You're cutting class…skipping detention." His voice was getting louder and louder, and Ali watched him sway on his feet a little. He had obviously drunk far more than just a few glasses.

"Do you know how _hard_ I work, Alison. DO YOU!" He shouted. Ali trembled as he grabbed hold of her arm. He squeezed it tightly in his thick hand.

"Ow dad please, let go." Ali said desperately as he roughly hauled her off the bed and to her feet. She stumbled a little but managed to stay upright as he held her arm, still.

"It's about time you learn some respect. You think this is a game? You think this is _funny? _That I get called up at WORK…to deal with your bullshit?" He grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her, hard. Ali felt tears fall from her eyes as she looked up at him. She was frightened, now. She knew exactly what he was capable of when he had had this much to drink.

"Dad, I'm sorry." She cried. "I swear, I made a mistake. I…I won't do it again." She pleaded, trying to reason with him. Pain seared through her shoulders where his fingers dug into her skin.

"You're DAMN RIGHT you won't. You stupid girl. I am so fucking sick of this house. Of you…of your mother…none of you have any respect." He slurred. His hands gripped Ali's shoulders, hard. She squeezed her eyes shut with the pain.

"Dad…calm down. Please." Ali pleaded again through her tears.

_If I can just get him downstairs, he'll get another drink…he'll calm down. I just need to get him downstairs. Oh my god. Someone please come home. _Ali thought.

"Calm down? CALM DOWN? Who do you think you're talking to, you little _bitch_. You're just like your mother. You think you can do whatever the FUCK you like and there'll be NO consequences?" His voice rose to the point that Ali actually thought the neighbours might hear. He shook her again while he spoke. Ali felt her head snap back painfully.

"Dad…daddy…please." Ali begged as the tears rolled down her face.

"Don't fuck with me, Alison. I'm the boss in this house. You're going to listen or I'm going to smack the shit out of you. Do you HEAR ME!" He shouted.

"Yes...yes. I know, I know, I'm sorry. _Please_, let go." Ali pleaded.

_Oh my god please. Please someone, come home. _

"Shut up." He spat. He let go of her shoulders and grabbed her arm again tightly. He pulled her close to him, hard. "You're _just_ like your mother. Manipulative…shallow. _Selfish_." He drawled. She could smell the whiskey on his breath as his grip on her arm tightened impossibly harder. Ali cried out in pain.

_If he doesn't stop he's going to break my arm. _She thought desperately.

Ali tried to force a smile. "Daddy! Hey…lets go downstairs. Let's go down and get another drink. Okay? I'll get you another one. You can sit in the den and I'll get it for you. I'll make you something to eat, too, if you want. Please, let's go downstairs." She bargained. _Please listen. Please just come downstairs. Someone will be home soon. Just please let go of me._

"You'll do exactly what I tell you to do." He growled. "Or else."

"I will, I will. I swear." She nodded in agreement.

He softened his grip on her arm and finally let go. Ali immediately brought her other hand to her arm and massaged it. It was tender, and sore, and there would definitely be a large bruise.

Her father stalked over to her dresser and picked up his drink. He casually took a sip from the glass. Ali stood in the middle of the room, shaking. She didn't dare move.

He slowly walked past her towards the door. _Oh thank god, he's going downstairs. Thank god. _She thought.

He stopped as he passed her, tilting his head sideways to look at her. She stared straight ahead as she felt him him look her up and down. Suddenly, his rough hand grabbed her chin and forcefully swung her face around to face his. She cried out as he squeezed her face.

"Don't _fucking_ do it again." He warned with a menacing growl. Ali nodded through fresh tears as his fingers dug into her face.

He let go, and Ali took a deep breath. He took two steps forward, as if he was about to leave the room, but at the last minute he swung around. He lifted his arm up and hit Ali so hard on the mouth with the back of his hand, that her head snapped to the side as she fell to the floor. She cried out loudly with the impact of his strong hand.

Ali squeezed her eyes shut from the pain. She shook violently as she held her mouth with her hand. She could taste blood in her mouth. This was one of the hardest times he had ever hit her. She felt dizzy, and sick.

"That's for interrupting my meeting." Her father said quietly. He took another sip from his glass and finally left the room.

Ali never looked up from the floor. She knew he had left because he slammed the door hard, making her jump. As soon as she heard the door shut, she let out a strangled sob from where she had been holding her breath. She heard his footsteps creep along the landing, and as soon as she was sure he had gone, she shakily crawled across the floor to the door. She reached up with trembling hands and locked it as fast as she could.

Once she heard the click, she leaned back against the door, exhausted. For the next hour, she cried her heart out quietly. The last thing she wanted was for her dad to hear her and come back upstairs. Even though she had locked the door, she still didn't feel safe. She didn't even have Jason around to help her, not that he would. He was just as scared of their dad as Ali was. He was on a fishing trip with his friends, and Ali knew she was alone in the house with him until her mother came home. Her mother was out at a work dinner, and she knew it would be a long time until she came home. She sat quietly against the door for the next couple of hours, staring blankly into space.

She finally decided to move when she heard her mother pull up in her car outside. It only took ten minutes for the screaming to begin downstairs. Ali knew they'd be at it for hours. She heard her name mentioned a few times, but she knew the argument would soon move on to something else. It always did. They would always fight about one thing, and then her father would find a way to turn it around. They'd scream at each other for hours and hours. She was sure of it. She usually put her headphones in and listened to music, or she'd simply leave. This was one of the times when she just wanted to leave.

Her arm ached as she pulled the window up to crawl out. The claustrophobia of her house was stifling and she just needed some fresh air. She just needed to get _out. _She clambered down the lattice, making sure not to put too much pressure on her injured arm. Her lip still throbbed painfully, but she hadn't even looked at it. When her feet hit the ground, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

_God, please. I just need a little while. Just let me get out of there for a little while. Fuck. _

Ali walked down the street a little way. Spencer's house was practically on top of hers, meaning they were neighbours. She was half tempted to knock on the door. Her and Spencer Hastings weren't exactly the closest of friends, but Ali was desperate. She loitered around the side of the house for a while, before thinking better of it.

_Ian's probably in there with Melissa. He's the last person I want to see me in this state. Fuck, what am I doing? Nobody can see me like this, not even Spencer. I need to go home before someone sees me. God, I can't go back in there. Not yet. I can't even call Cece to get me, I left my phone upstairs, fuck. I need Emily. I know I shouldn't, but I need her. God, I can't. I told myself I wouldn't. _

Before she could make up her mind, a voice interrupted her.

"Alison…what are you doing out here?" Veronica Hastings asked. She stepped out from behind the side of her car. Ali hadn't even seen her sitting in her car, she was in that much of a daze. Veronica was wearing her work clothes. She was a lawyer, and had probably been working on a case until late. Spencer often said her mother would be out until all hours of the night, sometimes. _Wow, I wish my dad was out all night._ Ali thought.

"Oh...I had to…go out…" She answered vaguely.

"Yeah? You want me to get Spencer? She's in her room?" Veronica said.

"No! It's okay…I just…came for a walk, that's all." Ali said.

"You went for a walk…at eleven o'clock at night?" Spencer's mother asked. She moved closer to Ali, and the blonde took a hesitant step backwards. Veronica Hastings looked her up and down, before her eyes settled on Alison's lip.

_Oh god, she's seen my face. I know she has. Fuck, why didn't I clean myself up before I left. Oh, that's right, I was too scared to leave my room. Great, now she's going to ask what happened. Shit._

Veronica looked taken aback. "What happened to your mouth? It's bleeding." She sounded shocked.

Ali raised her hand to her lip. She could feel the blood where it had dried. _God, it's probably smudged all down my face. _She thought.

"I must have scratched myself…on a tree branch…on my way over to the the house." Ali lied. _Fuck. A tree branch? Really. You couldn't have said something else? _She knew it was the most obvious lie in existence, but it was all she could think of quickly.

Veronica frowned. Ali could see her puzzling it all over in her head. "Why did you leave your house at eleven o'clock at night?" She asked in a concerned tone.

_Oh, God. No, no, no. Please don't think about it too much. Just let me go. I need to go, now. _Ali knew that Veronica was an intelligent woman. She was a lawyer, and on top of that, she had given birth to _Spencer._She knew she couldn't get away with lying for long.

"Mrs Hastings, _please. _I can't talk about this." Ali said seriously. She tried to sound as stern as she could, but her tone just wasn't cutting it, she was too upset to pretend. She did her best, though.

Veronica looked worried. "Let me get some ice…for your mouth, just _stay there._" She instructed. "Please." She held out her arm as an indication for Ali to stay put as she turned and briskly walked into the house.

_This is your chance. Just go, before she gets back. _Ali willed herself. She didn't move, though. The last place she wanted to go was back to her house. _God, Ali. Move. Move now before she comes back with the ice. _In the vulnerable state she was in, though, Ali found that she actually stayed put. She waited for Veronica to return. She wiped her eyes again with her sleeve and took a deep breath. The air started to sting her injured lip, and she winced.

Veronica returned quickly with a small blue piece of cloth with a few pieces of ice packed inside. She tentatively handed it to Alison and the blonde held it to her lip.

Veronica looked confused, and very concerned. "Did you…have a fight with someone?" She asked.

Ali was quiet for a few seconds. _She's going to say something to my mom. How on earth do I explain this. If she tells my dad…oh my god. What do I do._

"Mrs Hastings…" She started. Her voice shook with emotion as she tried to hold back the tears. "If you tell my parents…it's only going to make it worse." Ali felt a tear roll down her cheek, and she couldn't keep from crying any longer. "_Promise me_ you won't say anything." She said sadly as her voice finally broke. The tears fell from her eyes. _Please, please don't say anything. I beg you. Please. _Ali didn't need to lie, this time. She knew the truth of her pain was written all over her face. She knew it was obvious that she was being sincere, and Veronica did, too.

Mrs Hastings looked at Ali for a long moment. "Come here." She said quietly, and pulled Ali into a tight hug. Ali felt her body relax, and she gripped Veronica's shoulders tightly as the woman comforted her. Ali closed her eyes, and felt safe for the first time that night.

Suddenly, her eyes shot open. _Ali, what the hell are you doing. Go home. Now. She's going to say something to your parents if you don't leave. Could you have made this situation any worse? You should have left when she went to get you the ice. You idiot. Stop crying. You have to smooth this over, now. _

Ali pulled away from Veronica suddenly and shook her head. She laughed and shrugged. "I'm just being weird!" She said in a happy tone. Veronica held her arm as she pulled back.

"Just being overly sensitive!" Ali added."I'm fine!" She smiled and put on her bravest face. Veronica looked stunned, and even more confused than before.

"Alison…" She trailed off as Ali took a few steps back, breaking their contact.

"Honestly." Ali smiled. "I'm fine, really. I think I just need to go home and get some sleep." She said in her cheeriest voice.

Before Mrs Hastings could answer her, Ali spoke again. "I better go, it's getting late and I don't wanna get in trouble for being out late, so…" She trailed off.

"Alright. But if you need anything. You know where I am, okay." Veronica said quietly. She gave Ali a strange look. Alison knew that Veronica could tell she was lying.

_Just let me go. Don't question it. Please. _

Ali turned towards her house, giving Veronica a wave as she left. Mrs Hastings watched her leave with a concerned expression.

Ali seriously hoped that Mrs Hastings wouldn't tell her parents what had happened. Somehow, she didn't think she would. Even though they were neighbours, there had always been a strange animosity between the two families, and Ali could never figure out why. They were constantly arguing over property lines, and there was some sort of bad feeling between her mother and Veronica. She had asked her mother about it, once. Her mother had almost taken her head off, she had screamed at Ali to never ask her about it again, and Ali hadn't. She always wondered if there was something going on that she didn't know about, though.

Ali stared up at her bedroom window. She could faintly hear her parents still screaming at each other in the kitchen, even from outside. _Do I really have to go back in there? I just want this day to end. Why can't this day just be over. I've got to sort myself out. If I get in trouble again, he's going to kill me. He's going to seriously, kill me._ She thought. The last thing she wanted to do was go back into her house. She knew she had to, though. She briefly considered going over to Emily's house, but she knew it was a bad idea. _You need to be careful, Ali. You're going to get yourself into even more trouble if you do. You know that. If you go to her house you're not going to want to leave, and if he catches you out of your room tonight, you're dead. _She thought. Ali sighed, and began to climb the lattice.

She climbed through her window as quietly as she could. She sat down on the bed, and looked around the dark room.

_Nobody knows me. Not really. Nobody gets why I do the things I do. It wouldn't matter if I just disappeared, one day. Nobody would care. Everybody hates me, anyway. Well…maybe not Emily. That'll change though. That'll change when I have to hurt her. God, I so don't want to. I can't deal with all this, though. I can't deal with it. I just want everything to be normal. I don't want any confused feelings, and I don't want any more pain. _Ali touched her lip gingerly. She would have to use a _lot_ of makeup to cover the worst of it. _I don't even really care. This pain on the outside…it's nothing compared to the pain I have on the inside._

As she lay in bed, listening to her parents fight downstairs, Alison could feel a steely resolve seeping over her. She could feel the doors in her brain that held her thoughts slamming shut with iron bolts, locking everything back up inside. One by one, she shut the feelings away, where nobody could see them.

**Authors note: I don't know if any of you remember the scene in 3x23 when Ali turns up at Spencer's at 3am with a bloody lip and the show never explained why? Mrs Hastings gives her a hug but the show hasn't explained why she had a bloody lip yet I don't think? Well! That was my take on it lol! Hope it wasn't too dark! You should expect things like that and maybe worse in this story as it continues though. Just basically expect everything and you won't be shocked. Also, I'm yelling NO at Alison during her conversation with Cece as much as you guys probably are lol! But hey! There's got to be a reason for the locker room scene right! I wrote this chapter because I couldn't leave 'girl crush' out. Some of you may recognise that Girl crush is an actual diary entry that they showed on the show. As was Alison's mermaid entry a few chapters back. I add my own little bits in though, of course lol. I just wanted to show how and why she wrote it. **

**I also thought it was about time Ali got some advice, hence Cece. She might be showing up a bit more later on, too! I'm currently scheming away trying to formulate the next few chapters. I also wanted to show why Alison might have the destructive behaviour that she does. This is why her home life situation is very important to her character development. Things will get rocky! The locker room scene is next! Thank you guys from the bottom of my heart for your amazing reviews and all your brilliant ideas! I love hearing what you guys would like to see happen and I try and put it into the story wherever possible. You guys are literally writing this with me. I take note of every single thing you say, trust me! THANK YOU! Please let me know in the reviews if you're still liking the story and if there are any particular things you'd like to see happen! My Twitter is hauntedtwilight I love you all!**


	17. Fracture - Part One

**Authors Note: Hello lovelies! I was so glad to hear from you guys after the last chapter! THANK YOU FOR REVIEWING! I was hoping that the stuff with Ali's dad didn't put you guys off lol! But to be honest, nobody wants A in this story, so I really thought that having that kind of abusive situation at home is the next best reason for Ali's behaviour. Her character is so mean to people in the beginning that I really felt like it needed a really good explanation for it and I honestly think that that kind of situation kinda makes sense to her character. I wrote it before they started with all the lovey dovey season six Kenneth scenes lol and before they did that, I actually thought they might use him as a reason for some of her behaviour on the show. I know it's out of canon, but some of this story will have to be in places. I hope that's okay! **

**This next chapter has been broken into two parts because it was taking AGES to edit. It was already way past 12,000 words so it really needed splitting up or you guys would probably get bored reading the whole thing! Anyway! This is part one of the locker room scene. Please let me know what you think! I know it's not very long but I have a much broader story planned for Ali and Emily and I would really love to know if you guys are still interested and sticking with it. I'm really trying to give them a good back story and a properly fleshed out story. I want you guys to get a good read out of it rather than just a quick story. I really want it to mean something and to do that I've gotta get out all the little story lines. I SO hope that you guys are still enjoying it! Please let me know! You've all been amazing! Here is part one! Part two will be up soon! (Ali voice) "I promise!"**

"_I remember that time, you told me. You said, "love is touching souls." Surely you touched mine...Cause part of you pours out of me in these lines from time to time. Oh, you're in my blood like holy wine. You taste so bitter and so sweet. Oh, I could drink a case of you, darling, and I'd still be on my feet. I would still be on my feet."_

– _A case of you, Joni Mitchell._

**EMILY FIELDS**

Emily Fields was lost inside her own thoughts. She couldn't have been in a happier place if she tried. She could vaguely hear her mother in the kitchen downstairs, banging around with the dishes, but she wasn't paying the slightest bit of attention.

Emily's morning ritual normally began with standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom, telling herself over and over again in her head that she was _normal._ Today, though, that wasn't the case.

She had been leaning against the door with her eyes closed for the last fifteen minutes, happily remembering her time in the library with Ali. It was as if the whole thing had been a dream…an amazing dream. She had spent the entire morning trying to convince herself that she hadn't dreamt it all up in the night. It all just seemed so…unlikely. She knew it was true, though. She could still feel a slight painful twinge in her back from where Ali had pushed her up against the wall in the closet. She didn't mind, though. She didn't mind one bit. She secretly quite liked the way Ali's forceful arms had gripped her, hard.

_That's why I love you…you're big on happy endings._

Emily had never felt braver than she had when she'd kissed Ali. She finally felt like she had reached out…and taken something. She had _never_ thought she would do something like that. Ever. She was always so shy. She had always been scared to death of Alison. She was a formidable girl, and Emily was always intimidated by her. Ali made it her business to scare people, that was just who she was. Emily always felt that she had another side to her, though. One she rarely showed anyone. Emily saw glimpses of it, sometimes, but it was only occasionally. Just lately, though…Emily had seen seeing a _lot_ of Alison's other side. Every now and again, she would drop her guard, and Emily felt like she could see straight into her heart. Underneath her iron casing, Ali had a warmth to her that encompassed Emily in every way.

_That's why I love you. God, why can't I get that out of my head? _

When Ali had read her the lines from the book, Emily had felt a peaceful serenity settle over her. It took away all the nerves, the doubt, and the anxiety. She hadn't even thought twice when she leaned in, it just seemed so _natural. _The best part was, Ali hadn't pulled away. She had actually leaned _in_ and kissed Emily back. As Emily felt their soft lips connect, all the world seemed to just...slip away. The whole room could have crashed down around them and Emily wouldn't have noticed. It was the single best moment of Emily's life. Well…up until what happened about ten minutes later. Now _that_ was an entirely different story.

When Ali pulled her into that closet, Emily felt the closeness of Ali's proximity immediately, and she knew she was done for. Her adrenaline was already heightened from their previous kiss, and the danger of being caught ramped it up ten fold. There was charge between them as they stood in the darkness that Emily knew had finally reached full throttle. Ali had touched her skin lightly, and Emily had shuddered. Every time she shut her eyes she could feel the closeness of that room, the eager kisses, and the passion in Ali's eyes as she had stared at Emily in the dark, trailing her hand across her stomach. She felt Ali's fingers on her stomach as if they had been between her legs, and it shook her to her core. There seemed to be an inevitability to what happened next. Emily had held her breath, and tried to ignore the tension in the room, but it was no use. Their lips were so close together that it almost seemed silly _not_ to kiss. And they did. Oh, they did.

Emily felt an aggression awaken inside her body that she didn't even know existed until the moment their lips crashed together. She had never _wanted_ something so much…ever. It was a kiss made of wild fire, a blazing inferno inside the small room. Emily's whole body shook with need as she kissed Ali as hard and as forcefully as she could. Ali kissed her back just as passionately, and as the fire rose, she pushed Emily back into the wall. The second Emily's back slammed into it, she felt a rush of sexual energy course through her veins and she moaned, loudly. She was mildly embarrassed by how loud she had been. Ali never stopped, though. She never broke the kiss. In fact…Ali had moaned quite a lot, too.

Emily had often thought about Ali in a sexual way, quite a few times before. But nothing like she did when she felt Ali's hands gripping her tightly, pulling her hard against her slender body. That was something else. Emily had felt a wetness between her legs and she couldn't help the noises which had escaped her while their mouths moved together over and over again. She didn't want to stop, she never wanted to stop. She never knew that a feeling could take her over so completely. Emily knew she'd never be able to stop having this. She _wanted_ this. If she could have stayed in that small, dark, cramped room forever, it still wouldn't have been long enough. For Emily...their kiss had inspired a fire of devotion, that would last a lifetime.

_That's why I love you...you're big on happy endings._

Emily leaned against the door in the bathroom and imagined the feel of Ali's soft lips against hers. She could still feel herself breathing heavily as Ali had pulled away. After they had kissed, before the teacher interrupted them, Emily couldn't even look at Ali. She felt the blonde pull away just as the kiss was about to escalate into something more. She felt her body aching, as if every single nerve ending was sparking with arousal. The last thing she wanted to do was _stop_, but Ali had wrenched herself away from her and removed her hands from her body. She could do nothing but close her eyes and try and control her breathing as she felt Alison's slender arms pin her, trapping her between her body and the wall.

The only thing she could do at that moment was smile. She couldn't speak, she couldn't open her eyes, and she sure as hell couldn't breathe…but she could smile the biggest smile she had ever had. So she did. Then the door had burst open, and Mrs Lance had interrupted.

Ali had run off, of course. That was her best trick…running away from trouble and leaving other people trailing behind in the wake of her like she was some sort of catastrophic tornado. Emily hadn't got in much trouble, though. Technically, she hadn't really done anything wrong. She had actually stayed in detention when Ali hadn't, and she hadn't skipped any classes to be in the library. All she was guilty of was hiding. She was good at that lately, it seemed. Mrs Lance was so irritated by Ali that she hadn't even spoken to Emily, she just turned with a glare and ran straight off after Alison at top speed.

Emily had had a hard time concentrating during their English test, there were just too many quotes that brought her mind straight back to their kiss in the library. She hoped she would pass it, but she didn't seem to be able to concentrate on anything other than the words "_I loved her against reason…" _It was terribly difficult to even focus at all after being so intimate with Ali, let alone having it thrown in her face on every page of the test. She kept finding herself wanting to look around the room for the blonde, to see if she was having the same reaction to the words on the page. Thankfully she couldn't see her from where she was sitting, or she would never have got to the end of it.

Mrs Lance had finally caught up with Ali in the test, too. She had waited by the door for the last few minutes of the test and Emily had finally seen the blonde for the first time. Mrs Lance had trapped her by the door as she had tried to leave the room at the end and escorted her by the elbow into a room down the hall. It was bound to happen eventually. Emily didn't understand the point of Ali keeping up her game for so long. There were only so many places in the school, surely Ali knew she couldn't run forever? Emily wouldn't put it past her though, she was nothing if not determined. Ali would fight until she was backed into the last corner in existence, and she'd still probably find a way to escape.

_She'd probably pull out a power drill and tunnel through the wall! _Emily thought, finally starting to snap out of her daydream. She knew she needed to leave for school, and she needed to stop replaying the events of the previous day over and over in her head if she was ever going to get ready.

She finally willed herself to leave the comfort of her daydream and got ready for school as quickly as she could. She had dawdled in the bathroom for far too long, and she couldn't help putting in that extra bit of effort with her appearance. She knew she was meeting Ali before school. Hanna had text her the night before, asking if her and Ali could meet her in the morning. Emily knew the real reason she wanted to walk with them was so she could stalk Sean Ackard. He always picked his friends up around the corner from Emily's house and it seemed a _little_ far fetched for Hanna to go this far out of her way for no reason just to walk to school with them.

Emily had a huge case of butterflies in her stomach as she realised she would be seeing Ali again for the first time since their kiss. She grabbed her bag and headed for the front door, remembering to pick up her swim gear on the way out of her room. She had swim practice after school and she was in a daze already. The last thing she needed was to forget her goggles and get chlorine in her eyes again.

Emily left her house and found Hanna standing with her hand on her hip at the end of her garden pathway.

"Hey Em, I was just texting you to tell you I was outside." Hanna stated.

Emily looked around. Ali was nowhere to be seen.

"Hey…where's Ali? I thought she was meeting us. You text her too, right?"

Hanna looked irritated. "Well, I tried to call her cell last night but it was busy for like an hour! That girl can yak on forever, I swear!"

The two girls began walking down the sunny street as they continued their conversation.

"She was on the phone with someone?" Emily asked, wondering _who_, and feeling like a stalker for it.

"Yeah, I called a couple of times but it was engaged for like a _year…_so in the end I gave up. I text her this morning but she never replied to me. To be honest, I was kinda hoping she'd meet us. She's always…you know, the _brave one_." Hanna said. She stretched her neck to look down the street.

_She's looking for Sean. I know why she wanted Ali here. She'd never go up and talk to him herself. I bet she wanted Ali here to push her to do it. She knows I'll let her off and let her keep walking, but there's no way Ali would. Ali would shout his name and make her go over and talk to him. _

Emily was secretly happy that Hanna finally had the courage to want to approach Sean. She'd liked him for as long as Emily could remember. She was secretly _unhappy_ that Ali was a no show, though. She was _really _anxious about seeing her again. Her stomach had been continuously tied in knots and she was desperate to just get it over with. Emily never knew where she stood with Ali, ever. She was hoping for the best, but didn't quite dare believe it. What happened in the library had seemed different to all the other times they had spent with each other, though. This time it couldn't be explained away as an 'over active imagination.' It had _definitely_ meant something. Emily could feel it as clear as day. This was the first time that she felt _sure_ of it. They had kissed before, but not like that. All she needed now was some kind of confirmation from Alison. Just _something _to confirm the way she was feeling.

The two girls rounded a corner, and Sean Ackard's car came into view. It was parked beside a large blue house on the street. Emily could see Hanna's nerves as they strolled closer. Emily noticed Hanna's footsteps speed up a little and she quickly checked her hair to make sure nothing was out of place. Emily watched from the corner of her eye as Hanna tried as casually as she could to get a good look at the car to see if he was sitting inside. Emily could just make out his blonde hair in the drivers seat as he sat waiting for his friend to leave the house.

As they were about to pass the car, Emily realised that Hanna still hadn't said anything, or made any kind of move.

Emily slowed down her steps a little and smiled coyly at Hanna. "Han…do you wanna stop for a sec?" She asked kindly.

She knew that Hanna needed a little push. Emily wasn't usually one to initiate anything when it came to her friends and talking to boys. She usually left that up to Alison, but Ali wasn't there, and she knew that the whole reason Hanna wanted to meet her was so that she could see Sean. Emily didn't want Hanna to be disappointed. _Just because Ali isn't here, doesn't mean that I can't help her, too. _Emily thought.

Hanna faltered for a second. Emily could see her contemplating in her head whether to go over and say hello. Emily could see the cogs turning inside her brain as she tried to work up the courage. She looked frightened for a second, before speeding up her steps and walking briskly past Sean's car.

"No, it's okay. Let's just get to school. He kinda looks busy, I don't wanna bother him." Hanna said in a nonchalant manner.

Emily could see clearly that Sean was the _least_ busiest person in the world at that moment, but she didn't say anything to Hanna. She smiled sweetly at her friend and walked along beside her as they left Sean's car behind them. _If she's not ready yet, then I won't push her. She should do what she feels comfortable with. _Emily thought. She knew that if Ali had been there, though, then it would have been an entirely different story. Ali just had this way of making you do things you didn't want to do. She was really good at making you face your fears.

Emily was terrified that their kiss was about that, too. A big part of her worried that Ali was only doing it because she somehow _knew_ Emily was into her. The confused part of her brain still wondered if their entire kiss had just been about getting Emily to admit her feelings. When she thought about the way Ali had smiled at her sweetly, and held her hand in the library stacks, though, she felt a little more at ease. _No. It had to have been real._ She thought. She couldn't wait to see Alison. She just wanted all the back and forth her brain was doing to be _over. _She made small talk with Hanna the rest of the way to school, and didn't bring up Sean or Ali again.

When the girls finally found Ali, she was leaning against her locker in the school hallway, sucking on a lolly pop. Emily looked at Ali's catlike stance. She had a fierce expression on her face and she was leaning against the lockers, twirling her blonde hair around her finger, slowly. When Ali saw the girls approach, she smiled in her kittenish way. Emily thought it was the single most sexy thing she had ever seen, and blushed as soon as she saw her.

Hanna looked her up and down quizzically. "Hey…where were you? I was trying to call you last night."

"Yeah I got your text this morning." Ali replied, still sucking on the red lolly pop. She shrugged. "Sorry, I was busy." She said casually.

"Jeez…ignore, much!" Hanna chuckled. Emily could see she was a little irritated though.

Emily couldn't quite look Ali in the eye. As soon as she had seen the blonde twirling the lolly around in her mouth, she had averted her eyes to the floor. She thought she'd find it easier to be around Ali after what had happened the day before, but she soon found out that that wasn't the case at all. She actually felt even _more _nervous. She stood next to Hanna and fidgeted with the hem of her shirt.

"Well _sorry_ but some of us have better things to do other than _stalk Sean." _Ali snapped.

"I wasn't stalking him!" Hanna protested.

"Yeah, right. He might as well get you a lead and call you _lassie_. You're so faithful to him you might as well be his little lap dog. Then again, you'd probably love that." Ali tittered.

Emily looked up suddenly. She was surprised at how bitchy Ali's comment had come across. Ali's blunt personality was nothing new, but that comment seemed particularly barbed.

Ali pulled the lolly out of her mouth and squinted at Hanna, daring her to challenge what she had said. Hanna didn't. She rolled her eyes and looked around the hallway. Ali continued to stare at her.

Hanna seemed a little hurt. "You know what…I've got to get to class." She said suddenly. She turned and walked briskly off down the hallway, leaving Emily with Ali at the lockers. Emily could see why she'd wanted to leave so quickly, Ali had all her claws out this morning.

Ali shrugged, and with a smirk, popped the lolly back into her mouth. Emily turned to the blonde and tilted her head slightly. "That was a little harsh, Ali."

Alison looked angry. "Oh _please_. That wasn't harsh. She needs to grow up. Some people have _real_ problems. If she wants to talk to Sean then she should just do it and stop dragging the rest of us around to help her. It's getting boring and I'm over it."

Emily was taken aback by Alison's tone. She seemed in a particularly bad mood and Emily couldn't figure out why. She struggled to find a response to Ali's comment, and so she ended up saying nothing.

Ali twirled the lolly around in her mouth again, slowly pulling it out with a loud pop. Emily blushed harder. _God, everything she does looks so sexy. How does she manage to be sexy by just standing there? I think about that kiss enough as it is...why did she have to be doing something that makes me look at her mouth even more than I already do. _Emily squinted harder. _Wait..what's that? _She could see a small red smudge at the corner of Ali's lip. _Is it the lolly that made that mark? Wait…no, that's something else._ Emily could just make out a small red bruise at the side of her mouth. She could see that Ali had covered it with makeup, but part of it was still showing through. _Did she cut her lip? What is that?_

"Ali…what's that on your lip?" Emily asked, concerned.

Alison looked surprised. "What?" She stammered.

"There's something on your lip. What happened…did you cut it?" Emily inquired kindly.

"What…I, yeah. I did." Ali said quickly. "When I was running…yesterday. I ran out of the library so fast I didn't notice the door and I ran straight into it." She rehearsed.

_Library. Ran out of the library. Where we kissed. Where you told me that you love me._

Emily slowly reached out with her hand to touch her fingertips lightly against the blondes lip. Ali allowed her fingers to linger there for only a second before she pulled away sharply. Emily was confused, it wasn't like Ali to be so jumpy around her, and Emily pulled her hand back quickly.

"Sorry…I just…wanted to see." Emily said quietly.

Ali looked slightly flustered. "Look with your eyes. Not with your hands. It hurts." She said sharply.

Emily nodded. She felt very awkward all of a sudden. She thought she knew how to act around Ali, but the blonde was always switching it up on her. Emily felt as though one minute she'd be hot…and the next she'd be cold. She never felt entirely at ease in her presence.

"So…how have you been?" Emily asked tentatively. She was suddenly very nervous.

"What? You mean in the one day since you last saw me?" Ali laughed.

Emily was flustered. She couldn't figure Ali's mood out at all. "Well yeah, I guess…" She trailed off. _Why is she being like this? She's not usually this defensive._

"I'm fine. Don't you have class?" Ali said dismissively.

"Yeah…" Emily said quietly.

"Well shouldn't you…you know…get there, then?" Ali said pointedly.

_Are we just going to ignore what happened between us? What the hell is going on? _Emily thought. She found the blonde intimidating at the best of times but today it was on a whole different level. Emily could tell that for whatever reason, Ali was in a vicious mood.

_I wonder if she got in more trouble about the library thing than she's letting on. She's probably pissed because she's got to stay after school for detention. That's all it is. She'll get over it, just act normal. She'll be fine. This probably isn't to do with you. _

Emily decided to leave her to it. This obviously wasn't the best time to talk to her about _anything. _"Yeah…actually. I'm going. Consider me gone." Emily said quietly and turned away from the blonde. She couldn't help but feel hurt at Ali's dismissal. She didn't know what she had been expecting Ali to act like, but it certainly wasn't this.

She left Ali at the lockers and started to walk off down the hallway. Suddenly, she felt a hand grab her arm lightly. She swung around expecting to see Ali calling her back, but instead…she came face to face with Ben.

A sharp jolt of guilt shot through Emily. She had hardly paid him any attention at all over the last few days. She had been so preoccupied with sorting her feelings out for Alison that she'd forgotten all about the fact that what she had been doing was wrong. She was seeing Ben…she shouldn't be kissing other people in closets. She knew that, but at the same time she tried to convince herself that she didn't even know what the thing with Ali really _was._ Sure, she knew how _she _felt, but the whole situation was so confusing. She had no idea what Ali thought about it all, and it was getting very complicated.

_You can't do this to Ben. You know you can't. You need to stall this, for a while. Just until you know what's going on. If there's any chance at all with Ali, then you can't be seeing Ben while you're figuring it out. It's not fair. _She thought._ None of it's fair…_

"Hey, cutie!" He said brightly. He gave Emily a warm smile. Emily didn't return it.

She looked down sadly, took a deep breath, and pulled Ben into an empty classroom so that they could talk privately.

**ALISON DILAURENTIS**

_I wonder what she's talking to flathead about. No! You don't care, remember! You're not even supposed to be looking! Still…I wonder what she's saying. She didn't look very happy. Fuck, Emily. Don't do something stupid. She's too God damn honest. I bet she breaks up with him. She's probably thinking that me and her will get together now. Fuck! I am such an idiot. I've left this too long and now she's breaking up with Ben. Well…probably. I wish I could see through walls. _

Ali leaned forward from her place at the lockers and tried to see if she could hear Ben and Emily's conversation. She couldn't…she was too far away. She huffed, and went back to sucking her lolly.

_Shit. I hope she's not TOO honest. The last thing I need is for her to tell Ben about the kisses. Oh fuck! What have I done! I've messed this all up so badly. I need to end this as soon as possible before something even worse happens. Like people finding out. God damn it. Why is she forcing my hand. I wasn't ready yet. Now I have to end it with her quickly before she leaves it too long to get back with that oaf! Then again…that might not be a bad thing! No. Stop it. You can't do that. If you don't want to be with her then you need to let her see other people. Don't be selfish. UGH! _

Ali was lost. She knew in her heart that she was being positively awful to everyone around her, but she really couldn't help it. She _needed_ to let Emily know it was over. Whatever 'it' was. She didn't quite know. All she knew was that she had told the girl she loved her, and that _that_ was a line she never thought she'd cross. She had let her heart take things one step too far, and now it was time to take a step back, no matter how painful it might be. She had spoken to Cece about it, and she had made up her mind about what she needed to do. Ending it was hard, but it was the right thing to do in the long run. She _couldn't _have her little tryst with Emily go public. She just wouldn't ever live it down. On top of that, her situation at home was worsening by the second. If her parents found out she'd been kissing girls, then she had no idea what the reaction could be. She could probably smooth things over with her mother, but she didn't dare tempt her fathers reaction to it. Not with the way things were already. Everything was bad enough without her adding _more_ family drama into the mix. She just wanted everything over. It was all too painful, and she had the bruised lip to remind her of it.

At first, Ali had thought that being stand offish with Emily was the way to go. She knew that it wasn't _exactly _what Cece had advised her to do. Cece had said that she needed to make Emily want her, and then knock her back. The problem was, Emily already wanted her, she wanted her _all_ the time, so it wasn't exactly like Ali needed to try for her attention. Something about it all seemed cruel, though. _To make her want me…to play her…and then hurt her. That's awful._ Ali thought. She knew it was.

So, she had tried to be as cutting as she could in front of Emily to try and put her off. It wasn't exactly difficult, she was bitchy at the best of times anyway, and she was in an awful mood already. She had been snappy with Hanna, almost downright rude, and Emily still looked at her with that little blush. _What does it take! I'm being horrible right in front of you to your best friend, and still you look at me like you want to kiss me! _Ali had thought.

Next, she tried to be dismissive. That hadn't worked either. Emily had been so busy staring at her that she had _actually _noticed Ali's bruised lip. Ali had tried not to think it was sweet that out of everyone she had seen that day, Emily was the only one who had noticed that she was hurt. _When she looks at me…she really looks. She sees all my secrets. _Ali had thought. As Emily had reached up to tenderly touch her face, Ali had pulled away immediately. _Don't touch me. If you touch me, I'll never be able to do what I have to do. _She thought as she took in Emily's surprised expression. She also knew that if she let Emily touch her lip, that she would find comfort in it, and that was dangerous to Ali. She knew she'd break down. She wanted Emily's comfort more than she wanted air, but she couldn't allow herself to have it.

As she watched Emily walk away from her, she knew she was out of options. _She'll never stop. No matter what I do. I could dismiss her a thousand times and she'll still keep trying. She can't help herself. I don't think I can help myself either. There's only so long I can keep telling her to go away. I'll slip up again. Cece was right, it's going to have to be option one._ _And that's the way that will hurt her the most. _Ali had thought sadly.

She watched Ben leave the classroom first, and tried her best to pretend she wasn't looking. He looked upset, and he banged the door as he left. _Shit, Emily. What the fuck did you do. Don't do this, don't do this now, not for me._ She thought. The last thing she wanted was for Emily to break up with Ben for her. She was going to seriously have to speed things up so that Emily could back track her decision. _This cannot be happening. Why the fuck did you let it get this far. She needs to stay with him, it's what's best for everyone. God, I don't want her with anyone but me. That's why it's got to stop. _

Ali hid around the corner in the hallway and watched Emily leave the classroom next. _She doesn't look half as upset as he was. Fuck, what's going on? What did she say to him? _Emily didn't see Ali watching her, she just walked off down the hallway, out of sight. Ali threw her lolly in the trash. _Fuck everything to hell._ She thought.

**EMILY FIELDS**

Emily sat in her biology lesson, staring glumly out of the window. She absolutely _hated_ hurting people, but sometimes, it was the right thing to do. She had told Ben that she needed a little break. To be honest, it wasn't that hard to find an excuse. She found that it came easily to her, because she already had a reason. She had been harbouring some irritation towards him for quite some time. She was genuinely pissed off with him for telling everyone they'd had sex, and she had been for a while. She knew it wasn't _exactly _fair, though. She'd told him he could tell people, after all. The trouble was, he was never supposed to accept that. He was supposed to not care what people thought, but he clearly did. He went and told everyone anyway, and Emily wasn't happy with him about it.

She hadn't exactly ended things for good. She'd just told him that she was going to be busy for a little while, and needed some time to herself. He had tried to talk her out of it, of course, but she had stuck to it. She _really_ needed to sort out wether the thing with her and Ali was going to go anywhere, but she didn't tell him that. She wasn't ready to _tell anyone _that. She knew it wasn't fair to lie to him, but when she thought about it, it really wasn't _that _much of a lie.

_She loves me. She said so. This isn't all for nothing. I felt it in the way she kissed me. "I loved her against reason…against promise, against peace…" It wasn't all for nothing. I did the right thing. Breaking up with him was right. She does want me. I have to believe that. I do believe it. God, I do. _

Emily tried to tell herself that everything would be fine, but deep down…she was probably in the most vulnerable position that she had ever been in in her life. She had done the last thing she could do to show Ali her commitment. She had broken up with her boyfriend. _You don't get more final than that. So now what the hell do I do. Try and kiss her again? Or wait for her to make a move? Fuck, I don't know what I'm doing._

She spent the rest of the day in a daze. She didn't see Ali at lunch, because she was in detention with Mrs Lance, and when Emily had tried to pass by to give her some lunch, the door had been closed in her face by the French teacher. She only quickly made out Ali's blonde hair sitting at the desk before she had been firmly told to _go away._ Mrs lance wasn't letting Ali out of her sight.

Emily was surprised that Ali was sticking to her detention. Usually she would have found a way out of it, or just not shown up at all. Emily wondered just how much trouble she was actually in.

By the end of the day, Emily was exhausted. She desperately needed to relax. She stood by the entrance to the swimming pool and watched everybody filter out of the doors. She bounced on her feet slightly as she anxiously waited for everyone to leave. She was glad the day was finally ending. She had spent the entire day worrying, and feeling sad, and she was utterly confused about her entire situation. She felt utterly terrible about Ben, she hadn't seen him for the rest of the day and had been deliberately avoiding the places he'd be. She'd had to put up with the stares and comments from his friends all day, and that didn't make it any better. She still knew she'd made the right decision, though.

She pushed open the doors and headed for the locker room to change for swim practice. She smelled the strong scent of chlorine and the comforting humidity of the room the second she stepped into it. It always made her feel at home, to swim. It was a place she could think, and relax. It was her own private space, in a way. It suddenly dawned on her that none of her other team mates were in the room. The only people left were a couple of girls from the younger years who had just finished their swim practice with their own coach. Emily frowned. _That's weird…where is everyone? _

"No practice today. Coach went home with a stomach bug." A deep voice echoed through the room. It came from the janitor. Emily was surprised to see him as he rounded the corned with his cart. He was a kindly old man, and always stopped to say hello to Emily.

_Oh, great. _She thought. _Just when I needed a good workout. Cancelled. Of course. Wonderful._

"Oh…" Emily said. She tried to hide her disappointment.

"Well, you can still swim if you want. I don't usually do this section until after practice anyway, so I can always come back." He offered.

Emily would usually have said no, and gone home. This time, though, she took him up on the offer. She _really_ wanted to relax.

"Actually…yeah. If you really don't mind?" She said.

"Sure." He smiled. "I'll be back in a little while."

"Thank you." Emily said sincerely. She watched him roll his cart back out of the double doors. She looked around at the deserted room. She was actually quite grateful that she would be able to swim alone. The time to herself would do her good to clear her thoughts.

She changed as quickly as she could, already feeling more at ease being in her swimwear. She stretched her arms out, and felt the tension already starting to leave her body.

She heard a low buzz come from her phone inside her locker. She almost ignored it, she was _so _ready to swim and just forget everything else. At the last second, though, she pulled the door open to check it. She just couldn't resist. She looked down in surprise as the screen flashed up with the sender ID.

**Message from Ali **

Her heart did a little flip. Emily swiped her phone to unlock it and read the message. _I wonder what she wants? At least she's talking to me. Hopefully she's in a better mood, now. _She read Ali's message.

**Hey. I'm stuck in detention after school. R U swimming? Can u give me a lift home later? I can meet u in the locker room? Plz? X – A**

Emily quickly typed out her response.

**Of course. Just come find me when you're done. I'll be here. X**

She was glad that Ali had text her. The more the day had gone on, the more she worried that Ali didn't want to be around her. She felt a nervous flutter at the thought that they would finally get to be alone together. She waited for a minute or so to see if Ali would text anything back, but she didn't. Emily grabbed her goggles and headed off to swim.

She stood at the edge of the deserted pool area and stared down at the clear water. She never liked to test the temperature before she jumped in; she always liked the shock when her body first became submerged, it made her adrenaline pump faster. She lifter her arms above her head and dived sinuously into the cold depths of the pool. Immediately, she felt better. There was nothing else in the world better than being underwater for Emily. She felt peaceful, and all the stress of the day just washed away with the waves.

She didn't start her usual routine. Normally, she would have warmed up first, and then gradually work up to a fast paced swim. This time, however, she wasn't in the mood to take it slow. She wanted to push herself. It was the only way she could clear her head. She started a bruising, fast paced rhythm that she was sure would leave her entire body aching the next day. She moved as fast as she could through the pool, her arms cutting through the water faster and faster as she propelled herself forward. She reached the end of the pool and pivoted in the water, twisting her body and kicking off from the poolside to turn back the way she had come. She swam length after length like that, getting faster and faster as time went on.

Eventually, after about fifty minutes of intense workout, she collapsed against the side of the pool, exhausted. She was still submerged, but she let her arms hug the cold tiles as she tried to calm down. She took gasping breaths as she tried to regain control of her breathing. It was one of the most intense sessions Emily had ever had. She felt much better after the workout. Her entire body felt like it had been thoroughly worked over, and she ached in all the right places. She would definitely feel it in the morning, but she didn't mind. She was just enjoying being alone, too exhausted to even think. Unbeknownst to Emily…a pair of crystal blue eyes watched her from the corner of the room…

To be continued.

**Authors Note: So! That's where I split it up! I know it was a little short but the second half is longer. Honestly, it was way too long and so it needed cutting there so that y'all don't get bored reading thousands of words at a time. I do have a tendency to go on and on and on as I'm sure you can see from my long authors notes! I could literally talk forever about their characters and how I think their minds work. I do have a pretty massive story in my head for these two so I'm trying to get it all written as fast as I possibly can for you guys! I hope you also understand the direction I took with Ali's home life instead of going down the A story line route. Thank you so much for reviewing this. It means everything to me to know that you all care! You've been so very helpful and I think about you guys every time I write and you're literally what keeps me going. Part two will be up very soon! I'll give you a little spoiler…Ali and Emily go for a swim. The locker room scene is also In part 2. Anyway! Please let me know what you thought, it means a lot to me! I'm quite nervous every time I post lol! I really hope you guys are still there! love you all! My Twitter is hauntedtwilight **


	18. Fracture - Part Two

**Authors Note: you guys are just SO awesome with your feedback! I couldn't do it without you! You literally chill me out when I'm stressing about which scenes to put in and which direction to move the story in. I can't tell you how much you've all helped to shape the story! Hi to everybody on Twitter too! Love talking to you guys! This story will have ebbs and flows and ups and downs. I have quite a large story arc planned and I hope you'll stick with Emily and alison as they work through the hard times as well as the good! I don't want to rush this story as I'm trying to tell it as wholly as I can. I want it to really make sense and so I'm going to take them on a little journey. Just to clear up once and for all, I'm definitely not having A in this story, but the scenes will remain as close to canon as possible, just with a few twists! As promised, here is the second part of "fracture" or as it's probably more well known… "The locker room scene." Trust me, this one was damn hard to write! I felt so bad for Emily on the show when I saw this and even though all us emison shippers hate this scene, it's SO important to their story that it just had to be included. I really hope you guys continue with the story after this even though it's a sad scene, because Emily and Ali still have a long way to go! Please let me know what you think! (I get so nervous haha)**

"_Oh, what a tangled web we weave…when first we practice to deceive."_ – Walter Scott

**ALISON DILAURENTIS**

Ali had snuck quietly into the locker room, looking for Emily. The place seemed deserted, and it was unusual for this time of the day. Usually straight after school there were numerous swimmers milling around in there, either getting changed or just exiting the pool area. Today though, there was nobody. At first, Ali worried that she had somehow misinterpreted Emily's text. _Maybe she's gone home…maybe she forgot? _Ali thought. _No, she wouldn't forget. She said she would be here. There's no way she left without me. _Ali felt bad for thinking it, but she _knew_ Emily wouldn't pass up an opportunity to be alone with her.

She hovered around in the locker room for a bit, searching for the brunette. She found Emily's locker and entered the familiar combination. She knew she shouldn't, but she just wanted to check if she had been in there. Her things were hanging up neatly on the hooks and her phone was lying on the shelf. _So she is here, somewhere. I wonder if she's still in the pool. Wow, she's been in there ages if she is. _Ali thought.

She closed the locker door and made her way to the pool doors. She peeked her head up to the window to check if anybody was in there. That's when she saw Emily. Ali was taken aback. She had seen Emily swim lots of times before, but never like this. Emily moved through the water expertly, but not with her usual grace. This was different. She looked…powerful. She looked strong, and lean, and fierce as she powered one arm in front of the other. She moved with a speed that Ali couldn't ever hope to match. She doubted that anybody could. Emily really _was_ an amazing swimmer. Ali was incredibly impressed. Emily so rarely showed her power, or her strength. But seeing it like this, in its rawness…made Ali realise just how powerful Emily really could be when she tried. _God, Em. I don't need you to be strong today. I need you to make this easy for me. I need you to be weak. I need you to fall for this horrible trick. _Ali thought sadly.

Watching Emily from the doorway brought up other feelings in Alison, too. Ones she was trying desperately hard to ignore. She couldn't help but notice the strong, lean legs that powered through the water, or the way the swimsuit hugged her body tightly, accenting every curve. It was as if her eyes were automatically drawn to every hard line on the swimmers body, and she found that she couldn't look away. There was something incredibly sexy about watching Emily swim. _She really is a mermaid_. Ali thought. She found herself smiling. She felt bad for spying, but she couldn't help it.

_Stop looking at her like that. Now. You know what you're going to do. Don't make this harder on yourself. Don't make this harder for her. Just do it. Make her want you. Make her try. Then knock her back. That's how you fix this. That's the only way. It's the only way she'll stop. You have to hurt her enough that she doesn't want to try, any more. Suck it up, Ali. Get on with it. Stop looking._

Ali thought for a moment about how she was going to do it. She knew that she had to make Emily make the first move. That was harder than it seemed. Emily had only kissed her the one time in the library. Ali had always been the one to tease her first the other times. She had always been the one to push. _I'll just have to give her a little push, then_. Ali thought regretfully. She worried that if she didn't, then Emily wouldn't find the courage to try…and then it would never be over.

Ali had an idea, suddenly. She left her place at the door and snuck back into the locker room. She found the door to the supply closet and jiggled the handle. Luckily, it was open. Stacks of blue shirts which read "Sharks swim team" in large yellow writing were lying around in piles. They were only there for the swim meets. They often gave them out to the friends and families of the team. She rummaged around until she found a particularly large one, and quickly got undressed. She pulled off her bra, but left her underwear on as she pulled the shirt over her head. She left her clothes inside an empty locker and skipped with bare feet over to the locker room door. She turned the handle, locking it so that nobody could come in. She now had access to the pool area, and the locker room, without anybody else being able to come in. _Ha! _She thought. _I am a fucking genius._

She crept through the door to the pool as quietly as she could. Emily was still moving through the water as fast as she possibly could, and Ali stopped for a moment. _Wow. She is just incredible. Why hasn't she been scouted yet? She's going to be in the Olympics one day. _She tilted her head to the side and watched Emily come to a stop at the other end of the pool. She looked absolutely exhausted.

_She's so powerful. She's worked herself to the bone, and I bet she keeps going. She never gives up. _Ali thought. _And that's why you have to do this…because Emily is a person who won't ever give up on anything. _Ali realised sadly. _You've got to do it. She never will. Fuck, I don't want to do this. Can't I keep her? _

All that had happened between them would have to come to an end, and she knew she had stalled enough already. She tried to shake off her doubt and remember Cece's advice, but seeing Emily in the pool just made it harder. _You've got to. _She decided. _Just do it. Just…start something. Then you can finish it. Then all this will be over. Things can go back to normal._

Emily still had her back to Ali. She hadn't heard her enter the room. She was breathing heavily against the cold tiles, trying to catch her breath. Ali slipped quietly to the side of the pool, and took in a sharp breath as she lowered herself into the cold water. All the while she watched Emily like a cat from the side of the pool, waiting for the brunette to notice her. Emily never looked up. Ali sighed, and swam quietly over to her.

**EMILY FIELDS**

Emily had her eyes closed. She took deep breaths as she tried to control her breathing. Her heart rate still hadn't slowed down from her intense workout and she was struggling to calm herself down. She gripped the side of the pool with her arms and was about to pull herself out when a loud splash sounded out behind her. The sound was startling. She was in such a daze that she screamed out loudly in the quietness of the room and turned around in shock. She came face to face with Ali, who was treading water no more than half a meter behind her.

Emily was completely surprised, not to mention confused.

"Ali! What the…you scared the _crap_ out of me!" She shouted. She held on to the side of the pool by her arm, and brought her other hand up to a chest, holding it dramatically as she stared at the blonde.

Ali laughed loudly, and splashed water straight into her face. Emily took off her goggles to make sure she wasn't imagining what had just happened. She stared with wide eyes at the blonde. Ali was in the pool with her. She was completely taken aback. Ali splashed her again playfully, taking Emily by surprise. Emily looked her up and down in shock.

Ali tilted her head and gave her a kittenish expression. "What?" She asked innocently. She swam forward a little, towards Emily. "I got bored waiting." She chirped.

_What the hell? _Emily thought. _Is she seriously in this pool with me? Did that actually just happen. How long has she been in here for? When the fuck did she get into the pool? How didn't I notice her?_

"Ali…what the…why are you in the pool? I didn't even…how…" She stammered.

"What? Get into the pool without you seeing? I'm sneaky like that!" Ali said. She squinted her eyes for dramatic effect.

Emily suddenly had time to take in her full appearance. Her hair was soaking wet, hanging in long tendrils around her face as the water dripped from her face and into the pool. She was wearing nothing but a 'sharks swim team' shirt that Emily could only assume she'd stolen from the locker room. She could make out the blondes bare legs under the water. As far as Emily could tell, she wasn't wearing anything else…_at all. _Emily could see her nipples through the wet material as it clung tightly to her body, and she suddenly realised that Ali wasn't wearing a bra. Emily sucked in a harsh breath as her stomach flipped. She couldn't help the way her eyes wandered under the water, fixing on the hem of the shirt Ali was wearing. She slowly looked up and caught Ali's eye. The blonde held her gaze for a second, before smirking flirtatiously.

"Hope they don't mind…I borrowed one of their shirts. I felt like a swim. I didn't think you'd mind…if I joined you." She said in a sultry voice. "I could always…leave you to it? Do you want me to go?" She asked suggestively.

Emily took a staggered breath. "No…of course not. I…I just…if someone sees you…that shirt…" She trailed off.

Ali leaned back in the water so that she was half lying on her back. "What?" She started. She raised her head to look Emily in the eye. "You don't like what I'm wearing?" She questioned. Ali kicked her legs, splashing water everywhere and showing skin right the way up to her underwear. Emily had the distinct feeling from the way she was looking at her that she already knew the answer to her question. _Oh my god. She's only wearing panties and a shirt. Fuck. Oh, God. _

Emily struggled to find words. "No…I mean…yes, it's just…if anyone comes in here…don't you think you should put some clothes on?" She said. She didn't actually _want_ Ali to put on any clothes, but she worried that anyone could walk in at any moment and see her half naked.

Ali chuckled. "Oh, don't worry, no ones coming in here. I locked the door." She said casually. She turned upright again in the water so that she was in a standing position again. "We're totally alone." She said with a raised eyebrow and a smirk that made Emily's stomach flip even harder.

_Alone. She's alone with me, in the pool. She locked us in. What's she getting at? _Emily wondered. She knew what she _hoped_ Ali was getting at, but she didn't dare to hope too hard for it.

"We are?" Emily queried.

Ali smiled slyly and moved a little closer in the water. "Yeah…" She trailed off.

Emily didn't know what to think. She was surprised she could think at all, actually. Her mind was wandering into all sorts of distant daydreams. _Is this actually really happening right now? Did I hit my head on the pool wall or something? Fuck. Is it me or is she being really suggestive? Surely I'm not making this up…_

"Wanna play a game?" Ali asked suddenly.

"A game?" Emily answered. She unconsciously moved towards Ali in the water. They circled each other playfully, now.

Ali fixed her eyes onto Emily's in a smouldering gaze. "Yeah." Ali said coyly. She smiled sneakily and moved away from Emily in the water. Emily followed, trying to stay close. She felt as though a magnet was keeping her tethered to Alison. Her whole body followed willingly as they danced around each other in a playful circle. Despite the cold temperature of the water, Emily suddenly felt very warm.

"If you can catch me…I'll give you a surprise…" Ali breathed lowly. Emily felt her heart thumping hard against her chest. _Fuck. A surprise. What the hell is going on. _She wondered.

"What kind of surprise?" She murmured, keeping eye contact with the blonde. She just _couldn't _look away. Ali had captured her the way a spider catches a fly, and she was all too willing to go along with the game.

"You'll have to catch me and see." Ali smirked. She abruptly turned her body around in the water and swam quickly away.

Emily laughed out loud. _There's no way she's fast enough to get away from me. She knows I'll catch up to her in a second._ She took a moment to remove her swimming cap as she watched Ali swim to the other side of the pool.

Ali stopped and hovered in the water, watching Emily throw her goggles and her cap onto the side of the pool. Emily shook her long hair out so that it fell around her shoulders loosely.

"Well? What's the matter, Fields? Scared I'm too quick for you?" Ali called.

Emily chuckled to herself. _She thinks she's so clever…well she's on my turf now. _"Nah, I just thought I'd give you a head start…you're going down, Ali." Emily teased.

Emily laughed one more time as she saw Ali panic and start swimming away again. "Here I come, you better move fast!" Emily shouted, before ducking under the water and kicking off from the wall. She felt her body propel forward in the water a good few meters before she came up for air.

Suddenly, a horrible pain shot through the top part of her leg. She shouted out in pain, and clutched at her thigh under the water. The pain was excruciating and she struggled to remain upright in the water. Thin spasms of pain wrapped around her calf, and she squeezed her eyes shut.

_Fuck! It's a fucking leg cramp! Shit! Oh, God this is my own fault! Fuck, why didn't I warm up properly? That workout was way too hard! I haven't even done any stretches! Shit it hurts so fucking much! _Emily shouted out in pain again as another spasm jolted through her leg.

"Em?" She heard Ali shout. "Em, what's up? Are you okay?" The blondes concerned voice echoed around the room, but Emily couldn't focus on it. She could only focus on the horrible spasms that were shooting through her. _Oh my god, I have to get out. Get me out of the pool, now!_

"Ali!" She shouted as she struggled to swim to the side of the pool whilst holding her leg.

"My leg! You have to help me get out. Leg cramp. Help me…please." She whined.

Ali swam towards Emily as quickly as she could. She stopped beside her and pulled Emily's arm around her shoulder to support her weight. The brunette held on tightly as Ali helped her over to the side of the pool.

"Emily, what happened, are you okay?" She asked. Ali gripped her waist tightly.

"My leg…just get me out Ali, I've got to fix it." Emily said seriously. She was close to tears. The pain was tightening inside her leg, and she needed to fix it as soon as possible. She'd had leg cramps lots of time before, and she knew they could hurt for days afterwards. She knew it was her own fault. She had been in such a rush to get into the pool that she hadn't warmed up properly at all. When she'd done her workout she had been fine, but trying to swim again right after she'd stopped for a break had stretched her muscle too far. She winced as she felt her leg burn with pain.

Ali gripped the side and crawled out first. She reached out with a dripping wet arm and pulled Emily up and over the side. Emily sat unceremoniously on the cold tiles, holding her leg tightly in both hands.

"FUCK." She cried out. She wrapped both her hands around the top of her calf and tried to massage the muscle the way the coach had showed her.

Ali stood up and looked down at Emily with concern. Water poured off of her sodden shirt onto the floor. "Em, do you want me to get someone?" She asked. She looked towards the door.

Emily screwed up her face in pain. "No. Nobodies here. Practice was cancelled." She said through gritted teeth.

"Well...are you gonna be okay?" She asked. She seemed unsure about what to do, and very concerned.

"It's just a cramp." Emily strained. "It'll go away. I just need to massage the muscle. Usually the coach or one of my team mates will do it for me. It's hard to do yourself. It's okay, it's happened before. It's my fault, I didn't stretch properly before I swam." She said honestly.

Ali frowned, and leaned down next to Emily. She looked down at Emily's leg.

"It hurts." Emily's voice broke a little and she tried to hold back tears as the pain intensified. She squeezed her leg, trying to get rid of the ache.

"Em." Ali said suddenly. "I'll do it. Show me how."

Emily looked up at her. "You don't have to do that, Ali. It'll be okay." _God. I probably look like such a baby to her. But fuck..this really hurts._

Ali have her a disapproving look. "I didn't ask you. I'm _telling_ you. What do I do?" Ali demanded sternly. She gave Emily a look that said not to question her again.

"You...you have to…massage the muscle until the cramp goes." Emily said between breaths. "You have to start at the bottom, and work your way up. It loosens the blood flow. It helps the muscle relax." She breathed heavily through the pain. "Or something…I didn't really listen when they showed me."

Ali nodded. Emily leaned back on her elbows, flipping her hair back as she stared up at the ceiling. She lowered her head again to look at Ali as she blonde knelt closer. Ali looked her right in the eyes as she moved both her hands to just above Emily's knee. She wrapped both her hands around the smooth caramel skin of Emily's leg and squeezed slightly. She looked up at Emily timidly for her reaction. Emily looked her directly in the eyes and noted the irony of the situation. _Fuck. If this didn't hurt so much I don't think I could handle her touching me like this. _She thought. She winced in pain as the cramp reminded her again that it needed fixing. _Fuck, I can't think about that now. God, this pain needs to stop._

"Harder." She instructed, and felt Ali's hands press down with more force. She squeezed the muscle inside Emily's leg and the brunette felt her fingertips massage her skin with a pressing motion. Emily let out a deep breath as she felt the muscle begin to loosen.

"Is that good? Am I doing it right?" Ali asked cautiously. She stared down at Emily's leg intently.

Emily had her eyes closed. She was focusing on the painful sensations in her calf as she willed the cramp to subside. "Yeah. Yeah that's good, Ali. Keep going, don't stop." She breathed. She let out a small moan. "Harder."

She heard Ali clear her throat slightly and she opened her eyes. Ali looked a little flustered.

The blonde tried to refocus. "Uh...what...what now?" she stammered.

"Higher…you have to press hard, and work out the kink. It should go away soon." Emily took in a sharp breath as another spasm shot through her leg. "Hopefully." She added through harsh breaths.

Ali kneaded the flesh of Emily's leg a little harder and stared down at her skin intently as she slowly slid her hands higher, keeping pressure with her fingertips. She shifted closer to Emily, all the while looking at her face for signs of pain.

"God, it's not stopping." Emily said with a grimace.

Ali looked conflicted for a moment. Her eyes flickered from her hands on Emily's leg to the brunettes troubled brown eyes. She suddenly reached around and pulled Emily's leg up high. She scooted her body closer so that she was leaning over Emily. She lifted the brunettes leg so that her entire left leg went over the blondes shoulder, stretching it out. She gripped her calf tightly and squeezed the muscle again. Her fingers were now _very_ high up the brunettes calf.

"There, is that better? Now it's stretched out." She breathed. She searched Emily's eyes for an answer.

Emily's breath faltered. She couldn't speak. She had been so busy focusing on the pain that she hadn't even considered Ali's proximity. Suddenly, with her leg draped over the blondes shoulder, and her fingers massaging her upper calf, she found that the cramp seemed like a distant memory. She could feel something else, now…and it certainly wasn't pain. All of a sudden, she realised how sexual their position was. It hadn't seemed to matter a moment ago, but now it was all she could think about. She was lying back on her elbows, staring up at Ali as she leaned over her with her leg resting over her shoulder. A flush of heat shot straight between her legs. _Oh my god. _Emily thought. _She's hardly wearing any clothes. Fuck. She's…touching my leg. Very high up. Fuck, oh my god…_

"That's…yeah. That's…uh, that's good. Actually…it's…it's much better, now." Emily stuttered. Her stomach was doing so many flips she was surprised she could even talk. Ali leaned a little closer and let her fingers drift a tiny fraction higher. Her fingers felt very sensual, all of a sudden, and instead of pain in her leg, Emily felt pleasure. She felt it travel from her center, all the way up her leg to her toes. She couldn't help the small flutter of her eyes as they threatened to flicker shut. Ali looked down at her hands suddenly, at where they rested on Emily's calf. A small look of understanding passed across her face. Emily wasn't sure, but she thought she saw a slight smirk at the corner of Ali's mouth.

"Do you want me to stop?" Ali asked knowingly. Emily could see her nipples through her shirt as it clung to her body. Her blue eyes were staring straight at emily as she watched her like a panther. She was absolutely breathtaking. in the position they were in…Emily was finding it _very_ hard not to react. Ali moved her fingers higher, still. They were now _way _higher than they needed to be. She had also stopped putting pressure on her calf. Her fingers now moved slowly, and delicately as she lightly massaged the skin on her upper thigh.

"I..." Emily breathed. "No…" She murmured. Ali smiled coyly.

_Oh my god. I think this is going somewhere else. She can tell that it doesn't hurt any more and she's still touching me. I want her. I really do. The way she's touching me…I don't think I can stop. I need to kiss her again. I need her to touch me. I need her._

The sensations that were travelling through Emily's body increased tenfold as she felt Ali's hand drift inwards a fraction, towards her inner thigh. She took a shaky breath as she looked up at Ali. The blonde stared down at her with a lustful expression. Emily felt like she was on the brink of something important, but she wasn't sure how to express it. She felt terrified having Ali so close, but at the same time she felt so wrapped up in her touch that she couldn't move. She knew that Ali had complete control over the situation. Emily was willing to go along with anything she wanted. She knew that wasn't how things like this should be, but as she felt Ali's fingertips lightly drift across the skin on her inner thigh, she realised that she didn't care. She let out a shaky breath and closed her eyes.

Emily couldn't even remember the pain she had been feeling previously, all she could focus on was Alison's touch. Her fingers trembled at her sides and she clenched her hands into fists to stop them from shaking. She opened her eyes and looked at Ali. The blonde was hovering over her impossibly close. She looked absolutely beautiful. Her lips were parted and she was focused entirely on Emily's face. Emily felt bolted to the floor under her penetrating stare. She felt as though nothing in the world mattered at that moment apart from her and Ali. She was about to lean up, and kiss her, when a loud rattle echoed throughout the room, breaking their gaze.

Ali quickly removed Emily's leg from her shoulder and placed it back down on the floor. Emily breathed heavily and looked around the room.

"Who the fuck is that?" Ali said, startled.

The noise came from the door, and Emily realised that the janitor had probably come back to clean the pool area. _Fuck! Oh my god, if the door hadn't been locked he could have seen us! _She thought, panicking. _Wait, what could he have seen? You weren't doing anything…she was just helping you with a leg cramp. It's not as if you were kissing or anything. You didn't actually DO anything._ She realised.

"It's just the janitor." Emily said as she lay on the floor. "He said he was coming back, I'll go let him in. He's going to be pissed that we locked the door."

"Yeah. Probably." Ali said. She leaned down and helped Emily to her feet, holding her arm out so that Emily could grab it for leverage. As soon as Emily was standing, she pulled her arm away and stood back a couple of steps. "You okay now? Has the cramp gone?" She asked.

Emily put pressure on her leg and walked a couple of steps. The pain was dull, and almost completely gone. "Yeah…thanks…for your help" she said tentatively.

" Yeah, sure." Ali said. She didn't quite know where to look. She folded her arms across her chest. "You go…let him in. I don't think I should answer the door like this." She indicated to her soaking wet shirt that left nothing to the imagination as it clung to her wet body.

"I'm gonna go shower. I'll see you in the locker room." She stated. She turned and abruptly walked away in the direction of the showers. Emily watched her go with a confused expression. _What is going on? What the hell just nearly happened? _She grabbed her goggles and her swim cap from the side of the pool and hurried towards the door to let the janitor in.

**ALISON DILAURENTIS**

Ali removed her clothing and stepped into the locker room showers. She turned the setting to cold, and tried to calm her body down. She felt as if every part of her was on fire.

_FUCK, FUCK, FUCK! What am I doing! _She thought. _I was supposed to have ended this, already. That was the point of getting in the pool with her! I was supposed to make her want me and then knock her back. Why did I have to take it too far and touch her leg like that! Oh that's right! Because she can't get a cramp without making sex noises! And I wanted to do it! Fuck, I really wanted to touch her! That's why this has to stop. It's got to be now. Look what almost just happened. You know what you would have done if you'd carried on! You know damn well. Right, Ali. Make it happen. You have to end this right now before you get carried away again._

Ali couldn't get the thought of Emily lying on the poolside tiles out of her head. She had looked _so _beautiful. It was something about the way her hair had been pushed back over her shoulders…and the way she had leaned back on her elbows, that made Ali think it was the sexiest thing she had ever seen. She looked like a supermodel in that pose. Ali had noticed Emily's beauty before, but not to that extent. She knew pulling her leg over her shoulder was entirely unnecessary, but she couldn't help herself. When she touched the caramel skin of Emily's thigh, she wanted her with every fibre of her being. She had intended to break things off with the brunette in the pool, but as soon as she'd got her leg cramp, Ali couldn't help but take things a bit farther than she had indented. It was just _too_ tempting.

She tried to tell herself that she was only _helping_ Emily with her leg cramp, but really, she knew she didn't have to touch her in quite the way that she had. The worst part about it was seeing Emily's reaction to it. She was in pain one second, and then it had all just dissipated. _I did that to her. _Ali thought. _I made that pain go away. I wish I didn't have to cause her more, now. If I hadn't locked the door, any one could have walked in. That's why it's got to stop. I should have done it then and there. Teasing her in the pool was enough. She would have tried after that. She would have, when she caught me. She'd have chased me, and tried to kiss me, and it could have been over and done with by now. I didn't have to touch her like that! Fuck! Why do I want her so much! Why can't I make this happen._

Ali leaned her hands against the wall of the shower, and tried to forget what had just happened. She closed her eyes as she heard Emily enter the stall next to her. _Fuck, now she's naked a foot away from me. _It took everything in her power to not walk out of her own shower and get straight into Emily's with her. _You can't. Just remember why you're doing this._

She took a deep breath. _Get over it. Do what you have to do. _

A few tears slowly slipped from her eyes, and she held her hand over her mouth as she started to cry silently in the shower. She hoped the cold water would wash away the evidence.

Ali stayed in the shower for a long time. She didn't want to leave with red eyes and she tried as hard as she could to calm herself down. She heard Emily turn off her faucet and walk away from the shower door. She shivered as she stood under the cold spray, and waited a few more moments for Emily to start getting changed. She didn't think she could do it if Emily was half naked.

After a few minutes, she turned off the water and reached up to the shower door to grab her towel. She wrapped it around her body and walked over to where the brunette stood at the lockers. _Good, she's already changed._ She thought as she opened her locker door. Emily had changed into a red top and shorts, and she was packing her clothes away into her bag already. Ali pulled out some of her clothes from where she had left them in a pile. She draped her bra over the side of her locker door.

"You feeling okay now, Em? Does it still hurt." She asked.

"No, it's alright now." Emily answered. "Thanks for…doing that." She added.

"It's okay. That's what friends are for, right?" Ali smiled her best smile and tried to look as happy as she could. She didn't want Emily to see any evidence of her crying, so she turned her back to the brunette as she grabbed one of the small black towels from the benches and started drying her hair.

_You need to start this. Now. Oh, fuck. What do I say? _She was quiet for a moment as she considered her next move. She refused to admit to herself that she was stalling, but this was something she _really_ wasn't in a hurry to do.

_France. Paris. Mention France. That'll do it._ She thought sadly. _Yeah, that will definitely do it. I'm sorry, Emily. I'm so…so sorry for this. _Ali knew that the thing she was about to do would hurt Emily more than she had ever been hurt in her life, and the worst part was, Ali had to do it without looking like she had a care in the world. _I'm a good liar. _She thought. _I can do this. Just…just do it. Now._

"I need to find a French family that's dying to host a nice girl from Pennsylvania." She said suddenly. _Nice? I'm not nice. _She thought. _I'm horrible. _She knew the next words out of her mouth would have the brunettes undivided attention.

She finally turned to face Emily. _"_Paris would be so awesome…." She added. Emily stared at her quietly. She knew that mentioning Paris would send Emily's mind straight back to the day in detention. She had been so happy that day, and Ali knew that it would put her mind in the right place for what she had to do next. She felt terribly guilty about using that reference to start the conversation, but she couldn't think of any other way. _Fuck. I can't keep this up for long. This is too hard. Make it happen._

She was finding the conversation part all too difficult, and so she did the only thing she could think of that she knew would get Emily's immediate attention.

She dropped her towel.

She saw the brunettes eyes move straight to her chest as she stood in front of her completely naked. _Yeah, that definitely did it. _Ali thought.

Emily immediately averted her eyes to the clothes in her bag nervously, and Ali could see that she was hoping she hadn't seen her check her out.

_Just carry on…as if it's normal. Just keep talking. Just keep going, Ali. _

"Roll out of bed…eat a croissant…shop for two hours…" She continued. Emily couldn't help but stare at her now, her eyes flickered up and down her naked form, and Ali saw her cheeks blush with colour. She could see that Emily was trying hard not to make it obvious that she was looking, but Ali knew better. She _knew_ what Emily was thinking. She could see a small smile settle over Emily's face that she just couldn't hide. She was trying hard, Ali could see that, but it was obvious how affected she was.

"Take a nap in the louvre…eat another croissant…shop for two hours…" She continued. She wrapped the towel around her waist, leaving her chest bare as she saw Emily's eyes flicker again up and down her naked form. Emily was trying _really _hard not to not check out her breasts. _God, I wish I knew what she was thinking. _Ali thought. _Come on, Em. Make a move. Just make this easier, please._

Ali turned away and reached up to grab her bra from where she had hung it on the locker door. She picked it up, admiring it in her hand for a second before turning back to the brunette.

She held the bra up for Emily to see. "Oh…have you seen this? I got it in a French catalogue._" _She said casually. Emily stared intently at the piece of underwear. Ali saw her move a little closer, and she noticed how quiet the brunette was being. She hadn't said a word since she had started talking about France. She hadn't said one single word.

"They have them in like…every colour." Ali added.

_Come on Emily! Say something! Just do something, or say something, please! This is hard enough as it is. Make a move so I can have this over with. Fuck! _Ali thought. She was getting frustrated. She just wanted the whole experience to be over. She knew she was about to _really_ hurt Emily and she just wanted it done.

"Do me a favour. Hook it for me, would you?" Ali asked innocently. She knew she was pushing, but she hoped that when Emily touched her, she would finally be able to make her move. Emily was just _so _shy, and it took a lot of courage to act on her impulses. That was one of the worst parts about it all, she knew she'd have to break her confidence.

Ali turned around so that her naked back was to Emily, and pulled the bra straps over her arms. She left the clasp open at the back so that Emily could do it up. She closed her eyes as she felt the brunette pull her hair to the side tenderly, and felt her warm hands flutter across the skin of her back. She shivered slightly at the sensation. _Say goodbye, Ali. Say goodbye to this. This is the last time she's going to touch you. _She thought sadly. She felt her eyes burn. _Stop. There's time for tears later. When you're alone. You need to be strong now. Just hold it together a little while longer. It's not over yet._

She felt the clasp shut, finally. Emily had done it up for her. She suddenly felt Emily's warm hand gently touch the skin of her shoulder. _Fuck. Here we go. Fuck. You've got what you asked for. _Ali told herself. She knew what was about to happen. She had been pushing for it all day. She'd pretty much orchestrated the entire situation so that it would eventually lead to this outcome. She tried to clear her mind, and stay calm for what she was about to do. She tilted her head to the side, and waited for the inevitable. Ali could only stare blankly ahead as she felt Emily's soft lips kiss the side of her neck. _There. There it is. God, this is it. Fuck. This is really it. I'm so sorry, Em…_

She only let Emily's lips linger there for a second before she turned around in what she hoped was her best shocked expression. She had to use _all_ her acting skills for this next part. It was almost impossible for her not to push Emily back against the lockers and kiss her senseless, but she knew she couldn't. She was about to put all hope of that ever happening again out of Emily's mind, and she knew there was no taking it back after this.

"What are you _doing?" _She snapped. She tried to act as if she was completely surprised by Emily's actions…like there had been no reason for her to kiss her at all.

Emily moved back in surprise. She looked terrified. She looked as if she had done something _so _wrong.

_Well…wasn't that what you wanted her to feel? God, I'm awful. I'm a horrible person. Fuck, she doesn't understand. She thought I'd kiss her back. And why wouldn't she! Of course she would! _Ali thought.

"N-nothing…I..j-just…" Emily stammered, trailing off nervously.

Ali looked at Emily as sternly as she could. "You just _what?" _

Emily opened her mouth as if she was about to say something, but she couldn't speak.

_This is it. This is the worst part. Oh, Emily. I am so sorry. Please don't hate me. This is for your own good. This is for both of us. I can't do this, I just can't. You'll never understand…Please, please forgive me…_

"Just because we kissed, in the library, Emily…doesn't mean I'm into you like that." Ali said as bluntly as she could. She stared Emily straight in the eyes as she spoke, trying to make sure that she got her point across as clearly as possible.

Emily looked absolutely shocked, and she swallowed nervously as she listened to Ali. "A kiss is a kiss." Ali added. She gave Emily a look that said all this should be obvious to her.

"I like _boys_." She explained harshly. "And trust me, if I'm kissing you…it's because it's _practice_…for the _real_ thing." She snapped.

_Fuck. I really said it. It's really over. Oh my god, her face…she looks so hurt. She looks so disappointed. Fuck! Oh my god I'm a horrible person. This is going to crush her._

Ali could see that it _had_ crushed Emily. She looked absolutely crestfallen, and also embarrassed. Ali wasn't sure which was worse. She _never_ wanted to hurt Emily and she certainly never wanted her to be afraid of who she was, she just wasn't ready for the kind of attention that what they had been doing would bring on her. She wasn't nearly emotionally ready for it, at all. She tried to tell herself that she had been doing them both a favour. Deep down, she knew that wasn't the case, but she had to go with it.

Emily grabbed her towel from the top of her locker and shut her locker door without another word to Ali. She quickly grabbed her bag and turned to walk quickly out of the room. Alison couldn't quite let her leave, though. She was afraid that if she let Emily run away from her now, that she wouldn't ever speak to her again. She couldn't bear that. She needed to make sure that Emily would still be okay being around her. _I can't lose her. I can't lose her completely over this. _Ali panicked.

As Emily reached the end of the lockers, Ali called out to her. "Where are you going? You're my ride, remember?"

_Stay. Don't leave. Please stay._ She wished.

To her relief, Emily stopped and turned around. She leaned against the lockers and waited quietly for Ali to finish getting changed. _She stayed. She's still staying here with me…even after what I did. She really does love me. She loves me even though I've hurt her. _Ali felt awful. She had never felt more terrible about herself than she did at that moment. _Put the barriers up, now. You have to hold it together. Hold on. Just hold on. There's only one more part to all this. There's just one more thing to fix._

Ali stayed silent for a few minutes while she let Emily have a moment to herself. She couldn't take the silence for long, though. She was too worried that Emily wouldn't ever speak to her again.

_"_Em…what did you talk to Ben about earlier?" Ali asked suddenly. Emily was looking anywhere but at Ali. Her eyes were fixed on a spot at the very corner of the room, and she looked close to tears. Alison had to fight every part of herself not to break her façade. She was desperate to comfort Emily, but she knew she couldn't.

"Nothing." Emily said solemnly.

Ali rolled her eyes. _I can't have her afraid to talk to me. She's got to tell me. I need to know._

"Well it wasn't nothing…I saw you go into a classroom with him. What did you say? He looked upset." She prodded.

"I just…I told him…that I needed a bit of a break." Emily admitted. She still wouldn't look at Ali.

_Fuck. She did it. She actually did it. I can't believe she did that. She's such an honest person, she didn't want to hurt him. _Ali thought. _I've got to fix this for her. She has to get back with him. Ugh! God! I don't want her with him! But I owe it to her. She was happy with him…sort of. She deserves to at least have that, after what I've done._

"Why?" Ali asked. She pulled her shirt over her head and finished getting changed. It saddened her that Emily wouldn't look at her any more. Usually, Emily wouldn't be able to take her eyes off of her no matter what they were doing. Now, though…now things were very different. Ali knew she had asked for this. She knew she'd made it happen, but she hated it all the same.

"It doesn't matter." Emily said with a sad shrug. She went back to looking around the room sadly.

_Fuck! Won't she talk to me at all any more now? _Ali grabbed her bag in frustration as Emily stalked off towards the locker room door.

They left the locker room with Emily walking slightly ahead. Ali trailed after her quietly. They passed the janitor on the way past the pool doors, and he waved at Emily as they passed him. Emily barely waved back.

The two girls walked in silence to the parking lot. The whole time, Emily kept her head down. She neither looked at, nor spoke to Ali. The blonde was getting desperate. Both girls hesitated as they reached Emily's car.

"Em…are you gonna tell me what you spoke to Ben about, or not?" Ali pushed.

"I told you, it's fine. Can we just…go home. Please." Emily practically begged.

_Soon, Em. I'll leave you alone soon, I promise. I just really need to do this for you, first. _Ali thought sadly.

Alison put on her best intimidating voice. _"_For God sake Emily…I'm your _friend._ Spit it out."

Ali suddenly realised how much she sounded like Cece, and she internally rolled her eyes. _Yeah, bet Cece's real pleased with me, now. She'd tell me she was proud. There's nothing to be proud of…I'm a coward._

"It was just…that stuff, you know…the sex stuff. I was annoyed. That's all. I just wanted a little break…to sort things out in my head." Emily finally answered. She didn't elaborate further, and Ali could tell that she was desperate to get away from her.

_Fuck. I bet she feels like she's lost us both, now. She got rid of him to try with me, and now I've gone and done this. She must feel totally alone. I need to fix this._

"Give me your phone." Ali said suddenly. She held her hand out to Emily.

Emily turned to her with a confused expression on her face. "What?"

"Your phone. _Give me_ your phone." Ali ordered.

Emily tentatively reached inside her bag. She frowned at Ali as she half pulled her phone out. She didn't hand it over, she just cautiously held on to it as she tried to figure out Ali's intentions. "Why…" She trailed off.

To Emily surprise, Ali suddenly snatched the phone off of her. She quickly undid the passenger side door of Emily's car and darted inside. She slammed the door behind her and locked the door from the inside. She watched as Emily banged on the window, once.

"Hey…what are you doing?" Ali heard Emily shout in surprise. Her voice was muffled by the glass.

Ali flicked quickly through the address book on the brunettes phone and reached Ben's number. She saw Emily run around the back of the car and open the drivers side door. She quickly unlocked it, and jumped in beside Ali.

"Ali, what…" She started.

"Shh." Alison said as she typed out a message to Ben as quickly as she could. She tried not to react as she pressed send. _Fuck. That's that, then._

Emily snatched the phone back out of her hand. "What the hell are you doing?" She said.

"Fixing it." Ali said flatly.

"Fixing _what?" _Emily asked. She opened the messages on her phone and read what Ali had sent to Ben.

**Ben…I'm sorry. I made a mistake. I want things to go back to how they were before. Can we pretend like today didn't happen? X**

"Ali!" Emily exclaimed in shock. "What did you do that for!" She looked from the phone to Ali's face. "How can you tell him I want to pretend like today didn't happen. I told him I wanted a break. You can't just pretend like that conversation didn't happen."

"Yeah, you can Emily. He'll get over it. Just go back to how things were." She said sternly.

Emily looked conflicted. "You might be good at pretending like things _didn't happen_, but I'm not." She murmured quietly in a sad voice. Ali knew she wasn't talking about Ben.

"What was that?" Ali said. She knew _exactly_ what Emily had said. She was actually quite surprised that Emily had had the guts to say it, but she pretended she hadn't heard it all the same.

"Nothing." Emily muttered. She looked as if she was about to cry again.

_I can't do this. I can't have a conversation about it. Fuck! _

"Just drive, Em." Ali snapped. _Just get me home. I can't deal with this, any more. I hate myself. _

Emily still looked completely lost. Her brown eyes were full of sadness and confusion, and Ali tried her best to ignore it. She did as she was told, though. She started the car and pulled out of the parking lot in silence. Ali turned her face towards the window, refusing to look at Emily. She knew if she did, she would cry.

It was only a short drive, and the whole time, Emily didn't say anything. It was only as they pulled up to Alison's house that she finally spoke.

"Why did you send Ben that message, Ali?" She asked quietly as she turned off the engine.

Ali took a deep breath. _Because it's for your own good. Because it makes it easier. It'll make it easier for you, anyway. Not me._ She thought.

The blonde turned to Emily, and tried to remain as composed as she could. "Because you know it's what you need, Em. You need to give it a second go." She stated as seriously as she could._ Because this can't happen with us. And I want you to have some kind of happiness. _

Emily looked down sadly. Ali noticed the tears that threatened to fall from her eyes, and tried hard not to look too closely, in case she started crying herself. She could tell that Emily was completely confused about what to do. She was totally devastated by what had just happened, Ali was sure about that. Even Ali's attempt to fix the situation by getting Ben back hadn't made it any better, and Ali was at a loss.

Emily suddenly took a shaky breath. "Why?" Emily's voice broke a little as she spoke. Ali was suddenly very aware that she wasn't asking about Ben any more. She knew she wanted to know why Ali had acted the way she had. _God, she must be so confused. This is awful. I just need her to know that it's done, and that it can't happen again. I can't have her asking me why._

The blonde tried her best to keep off the subject of what had happened in the locker room. _Don't ask me, Emily. Don't ask, please. Just…pretend it didn't happen. Just please, let everything go back to normal. God, please don't let her be so upset about this. I can't take this._

Emily flicked her eyes back up to Alison's face, and Ali couldn't take her crushed gaze any more.

She opened the car door quickly, and stepped out. She turned around and leaned down so that her head was just inside the door. She gave Emily the most intimidating glare she could muster. "You _know_ why. I told you. I'm not explaining it again. Now drop it." She stated, and slammed the door shut. She walked away from the car as quickly as she could. She didn't look back.

_It's done. It's really done. Oh my god…_

Alison's tears didn't wait until she had entered the house. They didn't even wait until she had reached her garden path. In fact...they started to fall as soon as she heard Emily's car pull away.

**Authors Note: well! That was the locker room! I know it's a hugely important scene and I'm so nervous and excited and interested to hear what you guys thought. It's massively important to their story arc in both the show and this story so I really had trouble finding the right way to write it. I hope it paid off! I know I had some requests to have it written in Ali POV so I tried to do that as much as possible for the main section of the scene. We will get to Emily's thoughts too, of course. We know that Emily writes a letter to alison explaining exactly how she felt about it to her and about her feelings for her and if you all want to see it, then that letter will be included in the coming chapters. Please let me know if you're interested to read it, because I do take into account everyone's opinions when I choose what to put in and take out! I hope you guys will stick with the story as it goes through the hard parts too. Ali will have her little disappearing act, and there is some interesting things coming up for both of them. Like I say, it's a story which will take time to tell and I really want to do it right. I hope y'all are along for the ride. Well! Im anxious as hell to know what you thought about this lol! Thank you SO much for your reviews. I really, really, love you all to pieces. You brighten up my day! Thank you. My Twitter is hauntedtwilight**


	19. Shard

**Authors Note: ahh I know! The locker room scene was hard to take! It was hard to write, too because I love emison so much and it's so sad! Don't worry though, we've still got a long way to go. Thank you so much for your reviews you guys really helped me decide what to put into the story! It's only because of your responses that I'm probably going to do the Ben attacking Emily in the locker room scene. A lot of you have requested that one and it wasn't originally going to be in the story but it will be now! Thank you so so much for your ideas and your input! There is still a lot to come! I hope you guys stick with me I know this is a long story but I'm hoping y'all will think it's worth it in the end. **

**Just to answer a couple questions from the reviews: no there will definitely be no –A but yes, Ali will disappear. Trust me, it's necessary. Yes, Cece will be appearing again and she will have quite an important role regarding Ali in this story. You'll have to wait and see! Hehe! And to the person who asked me if emison is endgame, my answer is: season 6 can 0-1-2-1-do-one with their Sara Harvey and their Lorenz-old. Emison is always endgame in my heart. As for the story, you'll have to read and see! ;)**

**Lots more to come after this chapter! Please let me know what you think of it! Here is shard…**

When your heart breaks…it doesn't ever break clean. It breaks into a thousand tiny shards. The pieces of it scatter everywhere...as if your heart were made of glass. You can't think, you can't function, and you can't breathe. The problem is, all the pain is hidden. It's _inside_ of you…and it feels like it's everywhere. It feels like little splinters moving throughout your body. They pinch, and scratch, and bite at you until you feel the tearing and the ripping reach your heart. It breaks you apart piece by piece, stabbing you over and over again until even your soul feels shredded. Nobody ever sees it, on the outside. The pain is all internal. The pain is yours, and yours alone, to bear.

**EMILY FIELDS**

When Emily felt her heart crack inside her body, she felt the pain so fiercely that she couldn't function any more. She only managed to get one street away from Alison's front door before she was forced to pull over. She swerved into a lay by and stopped the car. Her hands gripped the steering wheel so hard that her knuckles turned white. She stared straight ahead, breathing heavily. _No. This isn't real. No. Please. Please! _

She didn't cry straight away…but she knew it was imminent. She tried to stop her eyes from burning, but she knew it was no use. The pain in her heart was agonising. A sharp stabbing erupted inside her chest. She tried to breathe through the pain, but it was no use. Her body shuddered as her mind went blank. She was frozen to the spot as she tried to control her breathing. She literally felt as if the world had just ended. She felt a fissure tear through her heart as all the events from the day poured out of her mind. _Practice…just practice. I like boys. A kiss is a kiss. Paris. Just practice. What are you doing? Doesn't mean I'm into you like that….just practice._

Emily's heart broke. She sunk down low in the drivers seat, hiding her from the view of any passers by. She wrapped both of her arms around her stomach and cried harder than she had ever cried before in her entire life. She knew she was being loud, but she couldn't find the strength to care. She buried her head against the side of the door, and let the pain take over. She squeezed her eyes shut and gritted her teeth as the wracking pain flowed through her. She cried her heart out alone in the car for a long time. She cried until she didn't think she had any tears left…and even then when she finally opened them, her red eyes just continued to burn as she felt her happiness, and her hope, fade away.

**ONE MONTH LATER. **

**ALISON DILAURENTIS**

_Days without a slip up: 31_

_So…this is what it's come down to. Emily won't speak to me…like hardly at ALL. I knew she'd take it badly, but I didn't think she'd take it __this__ hard. I have a hard job even getting her to look me in the eye. I'm sure the others are beginning to notice…especially Hanna. Honestly, she's the nosiest person I have ever met. I need to find her something else to focus on. Sooner or later she's going to ask me if we've had an argument or something. She's always watching Emily. It's like she knows something is wrong. Emily is fine with them, though. She's fine with all of them. She's a little quiet, sure…but other than that she's acting completely normal around them. It's just me. And well... why wouldn't she be off with me after what I did? _

_I've tried my best to get over it as best I could. Well…if I'm honest, I've been ignoring it. I did what I did…and that's that. There's no changing it now. I can't afford to let myself think about it. I can't afford to let the thoughts linger in my head. I need to shut them out. I need to keep this up. _

_That first day was the hardest. I cried for like…six hours…or something. Doing that to Emily not only crushed her…it crushed me, too. I honestly don't think I've ever felt more awful about anything…ever. How could I do that to her? Sometimes I wonder if it was all really worth it. Is anything worth that much pain? _

_At least I still get to see her every day. At least she hasn't stopped talking to me completely. The most I get out of her is the odd look, here and there. I've tried speaking to her but the only thing get is one word answers. I suppose I should be grateful for that. I suppose I should be happy that she's even willing to be near me. _

_I thought that ending it would make all the feelings magically go away, and in a way, it did work. I don't think it's because the feelings are __gone__ though. Well no, I know they haven't gone. Somehow…even after everything, I still feel exactly the same way about her. I think it's just because Emily has been too afraid to come anywhere near me. It's made it easier for me to stay away. _

_She got back with flat head, of course. Nobody even knew they'd gone on a break. She only told me because I pushed to know what she'd said to him in that classroom. It was the shortest God damn break in history. That was me, though. I did that. I fixed it. If I hadn't, she'd have nobody. I don't know if she'd have got back with him of her own accord or not, but I made that choice for her. I had to do it. Fuck, I messed everything up…__bad. __I don't want her with him. FUCK! That's the last thing I want! It's got to be this way. It's got to._

_After what I did to her, I doubt she's going to come out of the closet any time soon, either. That's the part I feel really terrible about. But at least she has Ben. At least she's got someone…fuck. I wish she would look at me. I miss her eyes. I keep having to stop myself from trying to look at her all the time. She'll talk to me properly eventually…surely? Won't she? She'll snap out of it soon, right? _

_There's something else, too. I don't usually talk about this. But I can't keep bottling everything up inside. I need to let it out. My dad…he bought me a jewellery set today. He just left it on my bed and walked out of my room. It's a beautiful heart chain and a matching ring. It looks expensive. I don't know how I feel about it. I don't want to wear it…but if I don't it'll only make him angry. It kind of seems like he's trying to buy me. I think it's some kind of "sorry" for the last time I saw him. The last time I saw him, he smacked me in the face. He was so drunk I doubted he'd even remember it, but apparently he did. He was gone the next day, so he didn't see the bruise on my lip. He's been on a business trip for the last month, thank god. I'm sure he's having an affair…who goes away for that long on "business?" I was so grateful that he wasn't around to see my meltdown over Emily. My mom was…but I told her I was crying over a boy. She didn't seem to care much after that. She bought me a new top though. Some yellow thing. It's nice. Everyone is buying me things lately. Maybe I should bottle my tears and sell them? If my mom and dad give me things every time I cry…then one day I'll be as rich as they are and I can buy my own house and leave this joke they call a home. _

**ONE WEEK LATER**

_Days without a slip up: 37_

_I can't keep doing this! I've had enough! She won't fucking talk to me! It's getting on my fucking nerves! I told her her shirt looked nice today at lunch just to see what she'd say. Do you know what she said? NOTHING! She didn't even blush! She didn't say a single God damned word. She just LOOKED at me. She didn't even look happy about it! What the fuck! I miss her. I miss her so much. _

_Hanna won't stop going on and on about Sean. I know where he is after school these days, but I really don't wanna go there. He's been hanging around with Matt. I overheard him talking about it at lunch. They have this big old barn behind the tyre yard where they drink and work on cars. He's been showing Sean how to put in an exhaust or something. _

_If Hanna keeps following him around the way she's taken to doing lately, then eventually she's gonna follow him there. And guess what will happen if she finds out where he goes after school? She'll ask me. That's what'll happen. She'll ask me to go with her. Because I'm the "brave one" apparently. Ugh! I do not want to go! She knows I know Matt. So it's inevitable that she's going to ask me. I suppose I do owe Matt a bit of an apology after what I did with him and his brothers car. I have to admit…it was a bit harsh. Maybe I'm just getting a bit soft lately. For some reason…I'm feeling a bit vulnerable. I miss Emily. This is her fault. Why won't she talk to me! _

**ONE WEEK LATER**

_Days without a slip up: 44_

_Everyone likes the heart necklace and the ring. I fucking hate it. I hate that I have to wear it. I want to take it off and choke the next person with it that says it's nice. I don't know what to do any more. I'm afraid to go home today. My dad has been home all week. Last night he was so drunk he cornered me in the hallway and held me up against the wall by my neck. I don't even know what I did, this time. He said something about the dishes, but I was too scared to listen properly. I just wanted him off me. I don't want him anywhere near me, any more. I think I hate him. He didn't leave a mark, but I'm having trouble talking today. Fuck...he squeezed my neck so hard my throat is all scratchy when I talk. In a way, I wish there was a mark. It's harder when you can't see the pain. It's harder when it's all inside. I can't ever tell any one. It'll just make it worse._

_I wish more than anything that I could tell Em about it. But I can't. She's been better with me this week. I think she might be starting to get over it all. She's a little more chatty, and she looks at me now. She still doesn't look for too long, though. She's gone back to being shy around me, like she doesn't know what to say. I suppose that's something though, right?_

_Oh yeah. Guess where I'm going. The barn, great. That little Sean stalker only went and followed him all the way there didn't she. Didn't I say she would! Now she knows where he hangs out and of __course __she wants to go too. She came up to me yesterday to tell me about it…and wait for it, guess who she asked to go with her? Me. Big fat surprise there. She's lucky I said yes. To be honest, I could do with some fun. I told her I'd take her there after school today. I suppose it means I'll have to talk to Matt, but to be honest, I've got bigger problems. I've had enough of everything being so hard. I don't want to go home anyway. It'll get me out of the house until my mom gets home. Not that she's any use. But at least there'll be two of us there later. I'm not going back there alone._

**EMILY FIELDS**

It was the 45th day in a row that Emily had woken up with the feeling that she'd been punched in the stomach. She had taken the ride to school that her boyfriend Ben had offered her, and she was currently sitting in the school cafeteria at lunch, listening to Hanna talk about food. She wasn't really paying attention, though. She found that she couldn't focus on anything much, lately. She could tell that her friends were starting to notice it. She knew Ben had, too. He hadn't said anything, though. Emily thought he was probably too worried that she'd end things with him again to question her about anything at the moment. She had tried her best to move on from what had happened with Ali in the locker room, but she wasn't dealing with it very well. Half of her felt terribly stupid for ever believing it had been real, and the other half felt lost.

She had barely been able to look at Ali lately, it was just too hard. Every time she would look into her crystal blue eyes she would remember their conversation and she would want to cry. She desperately wanted to tell someone how she was feeling, but she was too afraid. Two particular phrases wouldn't stop replaying over and over in her head. _I loved her against reason…_ And "_just because we kissed in the library, Emily…doesn't mean I'm into you like that." _She just didn't understand at all. How can two things be such polar opposites? It was as if Ali had been into it one minute, and then rejecting it the next. Emily had convinced herself that Ali might love her back, and the disappointment of finding out that it wasn't true…had crushed her.

She sat at the table in a daze as Hanna picked at her donut.

"I need to go on a diet. I'm never going to get Sean looking like this." Hanna said glumly.

Emily only barely heard her, but she looked up. "What?" She asked.

"A diet." Hanna reiterated. "I need to go on one."

Emily looked at Hanna kindly. "Han…no you don't. You're fine just the way you are. What makes you think he won't like you?" She said softly.

"Alison. She said if I don't lose weight then I'll end up a lonely old marshmallow with fifteen cats and an imaginary friend." Hanna muttered. She stared at her donut as she placed it back on her plate.

Emily frowned. _I wish Ali wouldn't keep making comments like that to Hanna. "_Don't be ridiculous. Why are you listening to Ali. You know how she can be. Just ignore it." Emily stated.

"I know…I just…part of me knows she's right." Hanna sighed. "I don't want to end up lonely. And I _really_ like Sean, Em. I really do." She emphasised.

"You think?" Emily joked. Everyone _knew_ just how much Hanna liked Sean. He was all she ever talked about.

"Yeah. So maybe I'll try not to eat so many donuts from now on. I really don't wanna end up with fifteen cats. I'm more of a dog person." Hanna said. "I'll take the imaginary friend part, though. If I'm not gonna be eating so many sweet things then I at least need to be able to imagine fake ones to keep me going." She smiled. "I'll call him Mr Biscuit, and he can yell in my ear every time I wanna eat a donut."

Emily laughed. "Well if you're not gonna eat it, then can I?" She reached out to take the donut from Hanna's plate. Hanna pulled it back, quickly.

"Hey! Mr Biscuit said I'm allowed one more!" She said. She picked up the donut and shoved it into her mouth, getting crumbs everywhere.

Emily laughed more in that moment than she had done for over a month. It felt good to have fun. Hanna was always good at cheering her up.

Hanna swallowed the donut. "It's good to see you laugh, Em." She said with a look that Emily knew meant she was about to be interrogated.

"What do you mean?" Emily said, looking around the room as casually as she could.

_Don't ask me, Hanna. Please._

"Well you've seemed a bit…off lately. You're a bit quiet." Hanna said. "Come on, Em. Something's not right, I can tell. You can talk to me, you know." She said kindly.

Emily didn't know what to say. She knew she couldn't talk about Ali, but she had been keeping everything to herself for _so_ long.

She sighed. "Yeah…I guess I've just been a bit…confused." Emily said quietly. She fiddled with her hands as she spoke.

"Confused? About what? Ben?" Hanna questioned.

_Oh god...you know you can't tell her what it is, so why did you say anything. Now you've got to lie._ She thought. _I can't tell her about Ali…I can't tell anyone._

"No…it's just. Well, yeah. I guess, I don't know." She took a deep breath and tried to brush it off. "It's nothing, we just went through a rough patch. It's fixed now, though." She stated with a dismissive wave. "Sorry if I've been a little weird lately, I'll be fine."

"You sure that's all it is?" Hanna asked. "I just noticed that you and..._Ali_…weren't really talking much." Hanna gave her a look that Emily knew meant she had definitely noticed the tension between them.

_Fuck. She's so intuitive. _Emily struggled for an excuse. She knew her behaviour was bound to be noticed by someone eventually, though.

_"_Yeah. I guess things have been a little…strained." Emily admitted. "It's just this thing with Ben. She gave me some advice…that's all. I didn't like it much. I'll get over it." She said as casually as she could. She hoped it would be enough to convince Hanna.

"Yeah, well…that girl is just full of advice lately." Hanna stated. Emily smiled in response. She was a little uncomfortable talking about Ali.

"When I saw her yesterday, and she made that…_marshmallow_ comment…she said I should tell Sean how I feel. You know I've been kinda…following him about?" Hanna asked nervously. Emily nodded. _Everyone _knew that.

Hanna continued, "well, he goes up to this old barn with that guy…you know the one Ali ran away from that time, in the car?" She asked.

Emily knew _exactly_ who she was talking about. She knew full well. "What? With Matt?" She said with a grimace.

"Yeah. They're always hanging around up there, I've seen them. Anyway…I was kinda thinking of _accidentally_ bumping into him there after school. Ali said she'd go with me. What do you think?"

"Isn't it a little out of the way to accidentally bump into someone in an old barn out in the fields?" Emily said skeptically.

Hanna gave a knowing look. "I know, I know. But Ali _knows_ that Matt guy. If she goes over there to talk to him then I have the perfect excuse to tag along and see Sean!" She said happily. She was obviously very pleased with her plan.

"Why would she talk to Matt? In case you don't remember…she pretty much screwed him over." Emily said, remembering the night they had let his brother catch him in the car.

"Oh, you know how she is. She'll find a way around it..she wraps people around her little finger." Hanna said knowingly.

_Yeah…yeah she does, _Emily thought sadly. She hated the idea of Ali being anywhere near Matt, but she hoped Alison was only agreeing to go there for Hanna's benefit.

"Mm hmm." Emily said, taking a sip of her drink so that she wouldn't have to comment further.

"Well...do you wanna come with? Honestly, I could use the back up. I _really _wanna go, and I know Ali will help me…but I don't really wanna go there _alone_ with her. I need someone to help me out if she decides to just blurt out to Sean how I feel or something. You never know with her." Hanna said with a worried expression on her face. Emily knew she was right, you never did know what Ali would say when she knew you had a secret. She was entirely unpredictable.

Emily felt bad turning Hanna down. But she just couldn't do it. She couldn't be around Alison yet, it was still too hard. Even sitting together in a group was difficult for Emily. It seemed like Ali was completely fine about it all. She spoke to Emily as often as she had before the locker room, and she acted as if nothing had even happened. She had brushed the whole thing away, and carried on as normal. That was the part that Emily had the hardest time dealing with. It didn't seem to mean a thing to Ali, but to her…it had been everything.

"Actually Han…I think I'm gonna go straight home after school. I've got a lot of homework to catch up on. I'm sorry." Emily said regretfully. She felt really bad saying no, but she just couldn't deal with it.

"Damn! Let down! _Please! _I'll let you have one of my future donuts?" Hanna bargained.

"I don't think Mr biscuit would be too pleased about that." Emily said. "I really can't Han, I'm sorry." She picked up her things and stood up from the table. "I've gotta get to class, you want me to walk you to math?" She offered.

"Nah, it's okay. I'm gonna swing by the locker room first and see if I can see Sean without his shirt on through the window." Hanna exclaimed scandalously.

Emily felt a sharp jolt in her stomach at the mention of the locker room, but she tried to ignore it. _You can't keep reacting every time someone mentions it. That's why people are starting to notice. Just push it back down, inside._

Emily tried to snap out of it. She gave Hanna an endearing look and shook her head playfully. "You're obsessed." She laughed, and walked off to class, leaving Hanna at the table.

**THREE HOURS LATER**

Emily tried to tell herself that she wouldn't be as obsessed as Hanna. She _tried_ to tell herself that following people wasn't cool. She also tried to tell herself that she shouldn't be stalking her two best friends as they walked along the path behind her house towards the fields. She tried to tell herself all of this, but as she put one foot in front of the other…all she could think was: _I want to know what Ali is doing._

She had walked this path many times before. She knew exactly where it lead to. Alison did too, and she knew that was exactly why she was leading Hanna deeper into the forest. Emily and Alison used to walk this way before school every Thursday. They would follow the path through the woods until they came to the old tyre yard. There, Ali would meet Matt. She would flirt, and Emily would watch from afar with annoyance. Emily knew that somewhere behind the tyre yard, in the middle of the field…was an old barn. She presumed that this was where Matt and Sean were working on cars.

She stayed back on the pathway, watching as Hanna and Ali made their way up towards the denser woodland. She could see that they were talking, but she was too far back to hear what they were saying. _I should go home. I shouldn't be doing this. I really shouldn't be so bothered by her. She made her feeling about me perfectly clear. She told me she was into boys. Why would it be a surprise that she'd go and meet Matt? Really, what are you thinking, you need to turn around. _She thought as she continued to walk forwards. She knew there was no use trying to convince herself to walk back to her house. It just wasn't going to happen.

She followed the girls across the road towards the tyre yard. Emily saw Hanna stop for a second to tie her shoe, and she darted back behind a tree. For a split second, she thought Ali might have seen her. The blonde had been a little ahead of Hanna when she stopped to lean down. She had obviously realised that Hanna wasn't behind her any more. She turned quickly to see why Hanna had stopped, and at that exact moment, Emily thought she might have spotted her.

She breathed heavily in a panic from her place behind the tree. _Shit. Did she see me? Fuck! I need to go home, this is so stupid. If you wanted to go you should have just told Hanna you'd go! You can't be following people in the woods it's just…weird. _Emily thought. She peeked her head around the trunk of the tree to see if the two girls had started walking again. They had.

Emily followed them all the way up to the first field. A small wooden fence encompassed the short green grass and she watched as Ali and Hanna hopped over it, one by one. Hanna fumbled a bit on the way over, but she caught herself right as she was about to fall. She saw Ali say something as soon as Hanna was standing upright again. _Probably a catty remark. _Emily thought.

By the time Emily had caught up, they were on their way over the fence at the opposite side of the field. Emily saw that the ground was muddier the other side, and hoped she wouldn't get her clothes too dirty. In the distance, in the middle of a small brown clearing, sat a bright red barn with double doors. Emily could see that one of the doors was open, and an old rusty car sat inside. She could just make out the two male figures inside. Matt and Sean. Both boys had their hands on a different tool, and were fiddling around with the engine of the car. Emily watched Hanna and Alison as they approached the doors. She moved a little closer, staying just out of sight behind the tree line as she spied on her friends.

**ALISON DILAURENTIS**

_Could she be any more obvious? I know she's back there, I know she's watching me._ Ali thought as she scrambled over the second fence. She waited for Hanna to pull herself over before they continued their walk to the barn. _Honestly, who goes stalking people wearing a neon pink shirt? Even Jenna Marshall would have a hard job not seeing her! Oh shit, that was kinda mean. Still! It's true! She's not very good at surveillance at all. _She tried to ignore Hanna's chattering voice as she listened out for the tell tale noise of Emily climbing the fence behind her. She heard a thud. _God, could she be any louder? It's like being followed by the BFG! _

Ali had suspected that Emily was following them for quite a while. It was only confirmed, though, when Hanna had stopped to tie her shoelace. She had seen Emily dart back behind a tree as soon as she had turned around. The thought of Emily following her made her smile. It had finally confirmed something she'd been wanting to know for over a month now. That Emily _did_ still care about her.

She didn't catch on to Hanna that Emily was watching them. She didn't think Hanna would care, either. She was _far _too busy trying to have an imaginary conversation with Sean. Ali had had just about enough of it. The entire time they had been walking, Hanna had been talking out loud as if Sean were right next to her. It wasn't until they had climbed over the second small fence, and seen the red barn in front of them, that Hanna had finally shut up.

"Oh thank GOD." Ali said with a huff.

"What?" Hanna asked. She stared ahead at the large red building.

"You! If you spent half the time _actually_ talking to Sean as you do _imagining_ talking to him then I might not have to lose half my evening doing this." Ali snapped.

"Hey! You offered to come with me!" Hanna said defensively.

"If I didn't offer then you wouldn't have shut up about it. Honestly Han, you better talk to him today. I'm not coming back over here." Ali retorted. She put her hand in her hips as she checked to see if Matt and Sean were in there. They were.

Hanna jumped up and down on the spot a little, and clenched her hands into excited fists. She took a deep breath to calm herself down. "Oh my god, oh my god. There he is!" She exclaimed.

_Yep. And there's Matt. Great. _Ali thought.

"Jeez, don't look so _desperate!" _The blonde said to Hanna.

"Sorry I just…this is my chance! You know!" Hanna beamed an excited smile.

Ali rolled her eyes. "You owe me for this." She said. She strode confidently over to the barn doors with Hanna following quickly behind. The two boys had their backs to them, and were busy fiddling with something inside the engine of the car.

Ali wolf whistled loudly. Both boys turned around sharply. Matt moved a little too quickly, and had to duck his head to narrowly avoid his head hitting the bonnet. He gave Ali a surprised look.

"You…" He said flatly. He held a wrench in his hand, and Ali thought for a second that she would be lucky if he didn't smack her with it.

She gave her most flirtatious smile. "Hey…need a hand?" She asked.

Hanna moved to stand beside her. "Hey Sean!" She said in a happy voice. She waved her hand a little _too _enthusiastically. Ali tried her best not to elbow her for being so obvious. Sean smiled back politely.

Matt looked irritated. "Didn't think I'd see you again." He moved a few steps towards Ali. She held her ground. "Did you forget about throwing me to the wolves the last time we met? Or did that slip your mind?" He said angrily.

Ali rolled her eyes. "Get over it. You had it coming, and you know you did." She asserted. She waited for his reaction. _This will either go one way, or the other. Either he forgives me…or he doesn't. Whatever. _

Matt paused for a moment. He seemed to contemplate his answer as he looked Ali up and down. _Yeah. Look real hard. Look what you gave up! Jackass! _She thought. She knew that there was always a quick way to a man's heart, and it usually resided somewhere in their pants. She flicked her hair back over her shoulder as sexily as she could.

"Yeah….yeah, I guess I did." He smirked.

_There it is, bingo. We're in. You're up, Han. _Ali thought.

Alison smiled at Matt. "Yeah, well. We're even now." She said.

Sean turned to Matt. "Dude, what did you do?" He asked.

Matt gave him a guilty look. "The less said about it the better, man." He cautioned.

"That would be wise." Ali chimed in frostily.

Hanna cleared her throat. She gave Ali a look that said _introduce me! _

Ali remembered why she was there. "Anyway, we were just walking…and we decided to stop by and see what you guys were doing." She nodded towards the car.

"You were walking all the way out here?" Sean asked skeptically. He looked at Hanna. Ali could tell that he knew she liked him. Hanna had been _so _obvious about it that it was a wonder there was anyone left on the planet that _didn't _know.

Hanna finally spoke. "Yeah, well…sometimes it's nice…to walk." She said. Ali could tell she was completely terrified.

_Oh for god sake! I'm not walking her through this! She needs to grow a pair and get on with it. This is so boring. I need to leave her alone with him. Ugh! Hopefully if she doesn't have an audience then she'll finally get the courage to talk to him properly. Speaking of audiences…I wonder if Emily is still watching…_

"Yeah…it is nice out here." Sean agreed. Hanna beamed.

Ali took it as her cue to leave. "Matt. You got any of that stuff here?" She asked.

"Stuff?" Matt answered. He looked confused.

"God, do I have to spell it out. Alcohol. Do you have any alcohol?" She reiterated.

_If I'm getting through this boring evening then I need a drink. I'm not going home to that house without a little courage, either. _

Matt gave her a look of understanding. "Oh! Yeah…actually. I do." He said.

Ali raised her eyebrow. "Well?" She gave him a look that said _what are you waiting for._ "Go and get it!" She ordered.

"Wow, you're as bossy as ever!" Matt laughed. Ali smirked in agreement and followed him as he walked around the side of the barn.

She took one last look at Hanna's petrified face as Hanna realised she was about to be left alone with Sean. Ali shot her a '_here's your chance' _look, and left her alone.

_She better be quick about it. At least there's alcohol. _She thought as Matt rummaged around in a cooler he had hidden in the grass behind the barn. Ali looked around the field. _Where is she? I hope she's gone home. I don't want her to see me with him. At least she cares, though. But I really hope she's gone. At least she's finally learned to hide properly. Where the hell is she? _

"Here!" Matt said enthusiastically as he held up a pale red bottle. Watermelon crush.

Ali's mind quickly flashed back to the night at Spencer's sleepover. She remembered how drunk Emily had been on that drink after her car ride with Matt. She rolled her eyes internally at the irony of the situation. _This drink helped me hold her in the night. I knew she wouldn't remember. She drank this…and I took my chance. She felt so good that night. I wanted to hold her until the sun came up. Leaving her in the middle of the night was so, so hard._

"Hello? You with me?" Matt said. He waved his hand in front of Ali's face to break her faraway gaze.

"I…uh, yeah. Do you have anything else?" Ali said. _If I drink that again…it'll only be with her. _She thought.

Matt looked disappointed. "Damn, I thought you'd take this!" He laughed. "I hate the damn stuff, It's honestly been sitting out here for like, three days. I'll see what else we got!" He said. He leaned back down to the cooler and pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniels. He tilted his head at Ali, questioning her silently.

_Not whisky. Anything but whisky. _Ali frowned and shook her head. Whisky was the _last _thing she wanted to drink. Even the smell of it made her feel sick. Her dad would stink of the stuff every single day, and she felt a jolt of fear in her heart at even the sight of it. She hated that it made her feel that way…it was only a drink. But it did. She felt fear just by looking at it.

Matt huffed. "Third times the charm!" He said. He reached inside the cooler and brought out a bottle of Bacardi.

"Will this suit her majesty?" He asked with a smile.

_Yep. That'll do fine, thanks. _Ali thought as she took the bottle with a smile. She unscrewed the top and took a large sip of the straight liquid.

Matt looked surprised. "Damn, girl. Slow down. Don't you want a mixer?" He asked.

_Nope. I want it straight, and I want it now. I just need something to give me the courage to go home. _She thought.

"I'm good." Ali stated.

Matt sat down against the side of the barn, kicking his legs out in front of him. Ali sat down to join him. She crossed her legs as she set the bottle down in front of her. Matt pulled out the whiskey and took a couple of small swigs.

Ali watched the sun as it began to set in the evening sky. Had she not felt so troubled, she would have found it beautiful. She heard Hanna laugh loudly from inside the barn and she chuckled to herself. She squinted in the sun as she took another sip from the Bacardi.

"You're setting your friend up with my man Sean, right?" Matt said knowingly, breaking the silence.

_"_What gave it away? The fact that nobody in their right mind would be out 'walking' in this crappy ass field…" Ali trailed off and tilted her head towards the inside of the barn. "Or _that..." _she added, waiting for Hanna to speak. Matt listened. Suddenly, they heard Hanna's shrill voice ring out. "Oh my GOD! I love wrenches!" Matt laughed. Ali couldn't help but join in.

"She is kinda obvious about it." Matt admitted.

"You think!" Ali laughed again. She took another large gulp of the clear liquid and relished as it burned her throat slightly. She was beginning to feel a little tipsy. _Good. I need to be tipsy. Just let me drink enough not to care any more._

Matt and Alison made small talk for the next forty minutes or so. All the while, Ali drank from the bottle. She felt herself getting more and more intoxicated as time went on. Her head was beginning to feel a little fuzzy, and she watched as the sun dipped low on the horizon. _Fuck…I have to leave soon. _She thought. _God, I don't want to go home._

Matt looked at the setting sun and turned to Ali. "You going to be okay getting back in the dark? You shouldn't really walk alone. I heard some girl a couple towns over went missing last week." He stated.

_Oh, don't pretend you give a shit about me. You just want to scare me so that I want to stay over. Sorry dude, that opportunity passed when you fucked that girl in the back of your car. _Ali thought. Her mind flashed again to Emily. She hoped she had got home okay. _I don't want her out here alone in the dark. I hope she's gone home. Surely she wouldn't still be watching. No, she will have gone home. _

"Thanks for the advice, but I'll take my chances." Ali stated, and stood up. Matt stood up with her.

"Han, wrap it up, we gotta go!" She yelled loudly.

"Coming!" Hanna shouted back.

Matt chuckled. "I bet she is!" He said suggestively. Ali smacked him on the arm. "Shut up! She's not like that!" She scolded. Matt laughed again.

Ali turned around and began to walk back towards the barn doors. Before she got to the edge of the wall, Matt grabbed her arm and pulled her back sharply.

He pulled her close to him and she could smell the whiskey on his breath.

"You know…I've been wondering…" He breathed. Ali tried to take a step back, but he held her firmly. "I wanna know…" he trailed off.

"Do you still taste amazing?" He asked in a low voice. He smirked, and before Ali could stop him, he kissed her hard on the mouth. She was momentarily stunned as she felt his hand grip the back of her head and pull her closer. She struggled to break the kiss, but his hands held her tightly by the arms. She wrenched them free and pushed him back as hard as she could.

"What the fuck?" She yelled.

Matt wiped his mouth and smiled. "Yeah, guess you do!" He chuckled.

"What do you think you're doing?" She asked angrily.

"What am I _doing_? I think I just did it." He said cockily. He smirked, taking another sip of his whiskey from the bottle.

"Yeah, well I don't _want_ you to do it. Do you understand me?" Ali barked.

"Please!" He scoffed. "Don't act like you didn't want it. You come over here…after all this time…wanting to _chat? _And drink alcohol? I know you've always been a cock tease, Ali, but come on…don't pretend you weren't asking for it. You came here to hook up. You and what's her face in there." He said, tilting his head in the direction of the barn.

Ali laughed coldly and folded her arms. She looked him up and down.

"What's so funny?" He asked.

"You." She said as disapprovingly as she could. "You're a joke. You think I'd _actually _hook up with _you? _You're the male version of a _skank_. I bet you've had so many girls in the back of that car…that that's why you're having to fix it. I bet you've fucked so many _whores _in the back of it that you've broken the damn suspension." She spat.

Matt looked shocked. He moved angrily towards Ali. He leaned down so that they were face to face. Ali stood her ground and refused to move. Matt stayed quiet for a second before bursting into laughter. He took a swig from his bottle. "That's actually…_really_ funny!" He said between laughs.

Ali looked completely confused. _What the fuck does he find so hysterical?_

"Hanna! Let's go, we're leaving!" Ali shouted without taking her eyes off of Matt. "NOW!"

She watched Matt lean down against the side of the barn. He was still laughing uncontrollably. Ali was a little unnerved. _He's actually kind of strange…_she thought. _What the fuck is his deal? _

Hanna emerged from the double doors looking as if she'd won the lottery. She took a quick look at Matt and then noted the bottle in Ali's hand.

"Sharing is caring!" She said and held her hand out.

"No, we're leaving." Ali ordered. She grabbed Hanna's hand and marched her over to the fence, leaving the two boys behind. She threw the bottle into the grass.

Hanna looked surprised and turned around to wave goodbye to Sean as Ali pulled her away. "See you at school!" Hanna yelled happily. She was so ecstatic about spending time with Sean that she hadn't noticed the exchange between Matt and Ali.

Alison pulled Hanna over to the fence and climbed over. She walked back across the field as quickly as she could. Hanna talked about Sean practically all the way home, and this time, Ali was thankful for it. She looked around for any sign of Emily as she walked, but she couldn't see her anywhere. Every single part of her hoped that Emily hadn't seen the kiss.

_Fuck! Why did he have to kiss me! PLEASE tell me that Emily didn't see that. She must have gone home ages ago, surely. I don't see her anywhere…she must be gone, thank God. I knew coming out here was a fucking mistake. I knew this would all end badly. Matt is such a fucking psycho! Why was he laughing like that! He's such a fucking prick. I can't believe I had to endure that idiots whiskey breath all so that Hanna could chat up Sean! And BADLY by the sounds of it! That girl seriously needs some tips! I'll have to teach her a few things if she's going to actually stand a chance with him. Ugh. I can't get that whisky taste out of my mouth now. Disgusting. Fuck…I don't want to go home. Please let my mom be there…I can't deal with my dad tonight, too. I just can't deal with anything else. _

Ali walked Hanna back to her house, and made her way home as slowly as she could. When she noticed that her mothers car wasn't in the front driveway, her heart sank. She opened the door, and stepped inside.

**EMILY FIELDS**

**Approximately half an hour ago**

Emily had been leaning against the tree for so long that her arm was beginning to go numb. She watched as Ali left Hanna at the barn doors to go around the side of the building with Matt. Her heart flipped painfully in her chest. _Where's she going? Ali…what are you doing? _She thought helplessly. She walked up a few steps to get a better view. Matt was pulling something out of a cooler and holding it up for Ali to see. _Alcohol. She's drinking, great. _Emily thought.

She knew she should have gone home and left them to it, but part of her was really curious about how Ali would act with Matt. She was extremely annoyed to see them together. It looked as if nothing had ever happened. _How the fuck can she stand to be around him? _Emily thought angrily. She remembered back to when Ali had turned up at her house covered in mud, and crying over him. _She was so upset that night. She was so angry. How can she just flip her feelings on people like this? He betrayed her. She was so hurt. How can she act like this. _

Then, Emily realised that she was being slightly judgemental. _Aren't you doing the same? Didn't she hurt you…and don't you still care? Aren't you here, still…watching her…despite everything? You still love her._ She thought. The idea that Ali still might care about Matt irritated her beyond belief, but as she stood huddled behind a tree, staring at Ali, she knew she was being a hypocrite.

Emily watched the two of them sit down together and drink from their bottles. _She's not got a care in the world…_ Emily thought sadly. _She doesn't feel any pain whatsoever about what happened with us. I am such a fool. She's completely fine. Everything she said was true. I've been an idiot. She's into boys…she told you that herself. Why are you so surprised that she's here with him? She doesn't care about you…she's having fun without you. _Emily was crestfallen as she spied on the blonde with Matt. She watched them for a while, ever hopeful that what she was seeing was friendship and nothing more.

Emily saw Ali stand up, suddenly, and she shifted her position to get a better look. Then, she saw the very thing that she had been dreading. She watched in pull Ali towards him playfully, and smash their lips together.

Emily went cold. Her entire body froze into place as she took in the awful sight. _Oh my god. She kissed him. She's kissing him. _The brunette felt completely sick to her stomach. She squeezed her eyes shut as she saw Matt's hand grab the back of Ali's head, pulling her closer. _I am so stupid. Why did I come here. I knew this would happen. I was so wrong about her. She wasn't into me at all. She really doesn't care. _The crack through her heart ripped open anew, and she ran. She ran as fast as she could over the fields.

Emily didn't stop running until she had reached her front door. She was glad she had the stamina of an athlete to keep going because if she had stopped at any point, she probably would have been sick. She ran through the house and bolted up the stairs. She slammed her bedroom door and leaned back against it, squeezing her eyes shut as the pain threatened to over take her. She breathed heavily and tried to catch her breath. _It was all for nothing. She doesn't love me. She never did. I am such a fool. _

The sickness inside her stomach intensified as little flashes of what she had just seen flew through her head. She couldn't shut the images out. She was devastated, but also angry. _How the fuck can she do this to people? Did she do to him what she's done to me? Is she playing with me? God…how could she kiss him after everything that happened. Did everything we had mean nothing to her? Did we even have anything at all? Was this all just one big game to her? _Emily thought as tears rolled down her face.

She had one more image of Ali's lips pressing against Matt's run through her head before she decided what she needed to do. _I need to tell her. I need to tell her how I feel. I can't keep this inside, any more. I can't see her at school, and pretend I'm fine. I need to tell her now, before I lose my nerve. Fuck. Why does this hurt so much. _Emily thought. She felt an anger bubbling up inside her that she'd not felt towards Ali ever before. _How could she do this? I need to know. I need her to tell me. I can't ignore this._

Emily rifled through her dresser for her old notepad. She tore a couple of pages out of it and grabbed her pen. _I'll tell her how I feel…I will. I'll tell her and at least then she'll know. Once I've written it down…once I've told her…maybe I'll be able to have some sort of peace. _

**Authors note: alright! So...that was sort of a "what happened after" kinda thing. Hope you guys didn't mind the flash forwards, there will probably be more of those later on to move the story on. Damn emily for not sticking around to see Ali's rejection of Matt! We are heading towards some difficult times for both Ali and Emily regarding Ali's disappearance but I'm hoping it'll be fun for you guys to read. I have a fair few surprises planned too! As you can tell it's probably going to be Emily's letter coming up next. I'll use the original one from the show plus…a little extra hehe! If there's anything you guys would like Emily to say to Ali, then feel free to throw in your ideas! I consider everything you guys say before I write so I'd love to hear from you! Thank you SO much for your encouragement and your reviews and just basically for being SO sweet and lovely. I hope you're all still on board for the ride! Love you guys my Twitter is hauntedtwilight.**


	20. Heart Of Glass

**Authors Note: hey my lovelies! It was so wonderful to hear from you guys after the last chapter! I really wanted this story to have depth, and that's why it's important to have a progression. Like I said before, Ali will disappear, but I'm going to do it in a slightly different way. It's very important to the storyline which I hope you guys are enjoying! It's been a complicated process trying to fix all the little pieces together but its getting there! Some chapters will be darker than others, especially this middle part of the story, but I'm hoping none of you mind that! Like I said before, just expect everything and you won't be too shocked! **

**This chapter includes Emily's letter to Ali. I actually used the same one they used on the show for the first part of the letter, and then wrote my own version for the second letter with what I wanted her to say instead. I wanted to include both versions so you guys get a little extra and I'd love to hear if any of you remember the letter from the show! The next chapter is called heart of glass, and brings us deeper into the storyline. It might be a rocky ride for a while, but the end result is worth it ;) trust me! I have a LOT planned for these two! THANK YOU for still being here on this little journey with me! I get so nervous whenever I post and you guys calm me down with your reviews! Here we go!**

"_The drops of rain make a hole in the stone, not by violence, but by oft falling." – Lucretius_

**ALISON DILAURENTIS**

Alison paused by her front door. She knew she had to go inside, but the fear of what awaited her made her stall. She had no idea what state her father would be in. She _hated_ being alone with him, and she always dreaded coming home to the unknown. She liked to be in control at all times, and this was the part of the day that made her feel the least like herself. At school, or with her friends, she always controlled what would happen, and when. But here…here in this house…she had no control at all.

She pushed open the door quietly and walked inside. The house was silent, and only a few scattered lights were on. She moved through her hallway, making as little noise as she could. _Maybe he's not here. Maybe I can just sneak upstairs and wait for mom to get home. _She thought.

She had only reached the first step on the stairs, when she heard the footsteps behind her. She closed her eyes as she waited for the inevitable.

"And where have you been?" Her father asked sternly.

_Fuck. _She thought. _Why now. I just want to be left alone. Please let this be quick._

Ali turned around slowly and tried to think of an excuse. She smiled at her dad as she took a shaky breath.

"Dad! I didn't realise you were home!" She said happily.

Kenneth Dilaurentis said nothing. He just stared.

"Don't change the subject, Alison. I said…_where_ have you been?" He repeated.

"I…nowhere. I just…went to see some friends." She answered.

_Just keep him calm. The last thing you want to do is annoy him. He already looks like he's in a bad mood._

"And which friends do you need to see at this time in the evening?" He questioned gruffly. He put his hand on his hip and waited for an answer.

"Dad…it's not a big deal. It's not that late, it's only just got dark. I wasn't doing anything wrong. I just went out with Hanna." Ali answered casually.

"With Hanna?" He said in a voice that made Ali think he didn't believe her.

"Yeah, dad. With Hanna. You can call her if you don't believe me." Ali stated. She took her phone out of her pocket and held it out to him. She hoped he wouldn't take it. The last time she had pulled this trick, he had taken her phone and hadn't given it back for a week.

Her father stared at her for a second before taking two steps forward. Ali unconsciously took a nervous step backwards up the stairs.

"I don't need to call her. I know you wouldn't lie to me. _Would you_." He said in a threatening tone.

"No! Of course not." Ali answered. "Dad, can I please go upstairs? I'm kinda tired." She added. _Please let me leave._

Kenneth said nothing. He stared at Ali for a few seconds before stalking off towards the kitchen. Ali was relieved. She let out the breath she had been holding.

_He's probably gone to get another drink. _She thought as she ran quickly up the stairs.

**EMILY FIELDS**

_Ali –_

_You may not like to hear what I have to say, but I need to get something off my chest. You're not afraid of hurting me, so I wonder why I'm so afraid of hurting you. I am, but that's not enough of a reason not to tell you how I feel. So here goes…_

_Sometimes I feel so close to you, and then something changes, a look in your eyes, and I feel so stupid. It's like you can read every thought in my head, and you find it all so hilarious. Like after we kissed, and I thought it might happen again, and you just laughed in my face. But it's not hilarious to me. Maybe you think a kiss is just a kiss, and that I'm just practice. But the way you act, it feels more like target practice._

_I don't know how you can go from kissing me one minute to hating me the next, except that I'm starting to catch on. I'm starting to understand what it's like to -_

Emily put down the pen mid sentence and read what she had written. _No, that's not right at all. _She thought. _I just sound childish. I'm rambling. This needs to be right. I need to write this properly. If I'm going to say something, then it's got to be more than that. _Emily screwed up the piece of paper, and with a sigh, she started again.

_Ali,_

_You might not like what I'm about to say. Come to think of it, you might not even care. I've been thinking a lot about what to say to you, and my mind just comes up blank. I can never find the courage to say to you how I really feel. About anything, really. But I need to get something off my chest. Lately...I've come to realise that you're not afraid of hurting me, so I wonder why I'm so afraid of hurting you? I am, but that's not enough of a reason not to tell you how I feel. And I need to. So here goes…_

_Sometimes…I feel so, so close to you. I feel closer to you than I do to any other person. I've never felt anything like it before, really. I feel like it's almost dangerous. I feel like a satellite, orbiting the sun. You're my sun. You're like fire, Ali. When I touch you, my heart burns. But it's beginning to consume me. Sometimes I feel like you like having me there, too. You like having me close. The way you look at me sometimes…I can just feel it. For the longest time, I thought I was just imagining it, and maybe I was…but it didn't seem that way. You look at me, and I feel whole. But then something changes. You switch. You get this look in your eyes…and I feel stupid for ever believing it was real. _

_Sometimes I feel like you know how much I like you. To be honest, I don't know how you can't have noticed. You look at me sometimes…and I feel like you can read every thought inside my head. I feel like you can see exactly what you do to me when you touch me. Even when you look at me…I'm sure it's obvious. _

_It's like it's all so hilarious to you. The way you act sometimes…it's like it's all just one big joke that you find so, so funny. But it's not funny to me. It's not funny at all. Like…after we kissed…and I thought it might happen again. I really thought it would, Ali. But you acted like you couldn't care less. Did it mean nothing to you? It meant EVERYTHING to me. You pretty much just laughed in my face. How can you kiss me, and then act as if it doesn't mean anything? Maybe a kiss is just a kiss to you…but that's not how it works, Ali. That's not how it works for most people, especially not me. It can never mean nothing when it's you. I know that part of you knows that, deep down. You know how I feel about you. So why would you do that to me? _

_You said that kissing me was practice…for the real thing. But the way you act, it feels more like target practice. I hope you find something real. Because you'll never understand how real it was for me. I actually believed it. Maybe I'm just naïve. I don't understand how you can go from kissing me one minute to acting like you hate me the next. And that's what it felt like, Ali. I felt like you hated what we did. I just want you to know, I could never hate kissing you. Kissing you was the best thing that's ever happened to me._

_I don't know what you'll think about this, but I need you to know the truth. I need you to know how I feel about you. This isn't just some silly crush to me. I may be a fool to have fallen for you…but, I love you. I do. Any pain it might bring me doesn't matter any more. I already suffer with this more than I can bear. So I need to tell you. I need you to know. I love you so much._

_I'm in love with you, Ali._

– _Emily _

The letter was tear stained, and creased. The pages were smudged with the ink from hurried writing. There was nothing about it that was delicate, or neat. It was a crinkled mess of raw emotion. The appearance of the letter wasn't what was important to Emily though, it was what was inside it that counted. She felt numb as she folded the paper into an envelope, and sealed it with the word: Alison.

_Once I give this to her, everything will change. _She thought, wiping her eyes with her sleeve. _Whatever she says…whatever she does…at least she'll know. I hope she doesn't laugh…_

There was a small part of Emily's brain that was telling her not to go over to Alison's house. There was a whisper in her mind that was screaming _you're too angry to do this. You shouldn't send it in a letter. You should tell her face to face. _But Emily was too afraid of that. Ali absolutely terrified her, and the idea of seeing her laugh as she told her she loved her…was too much to bear. She had felt the pain of rejection before from Ali, and somehow the idea of a letter seemed easier. It might make her a coward, but at least she could spare her heart the pain of being laughed at. Emily slipped on her sneakers and crept quietly out of the side door of her house.

**ALISON DILAURENTIS**

Ali loathed to go downstairs again, but she was thirsty. She had been sitting inside her bedroom with the door locked for the last half an hour, waiting for her mother to get home. She could hear her father banging away in the kitchen downstairs, and she really, _really_ didn't want to go downstairs. The Bacardi had taken its toll, though. She was grateful that it had done its job. It had dulled the fear of entering the house, and being alone with him, but it hadn't dulled the headache that she now had from drinking straight alcohol in the sun. Her head pounded, and she reached up to rub her forehead. She blinked away the pain of the premature hangover that was quickly developing. _If I'm quick, he won't say anything, I'll just run down and get some headache tablets and some water._ Ali thought hopefully.

She made her way down the stairs, and stole into the kitchen quietly. She tried her best to move as quickly as possible so that her father wouldn't notice her. She assumed he'd gone back to the den, but she didn't turn around to check. She just wanted to grab the tablets, get some water, and get back upstairs as soon as she could. She opened the kitchen drawer and pulled out two tablets, shoving them in her mouth as she reached for a glass. She had just started to fill it up with water from the tap, when she felt her fathers presence behind her. She jumped so hard that she dropped the glass against the sink with a loud crash. Little shards flew everywhere as it smashed into tiny pieces on the kitchen floor. Ali looked up in shock as her heart flew into her throat. She grabbed her chest.

"Dad! You scared me!" She said timidly as she swallowed the tablets dry.

Her father swayed on his feet. _He's drunk. Great. Fuck._

"Ali! What the fuck are you doing? Look at this mess!" Kenneth barked loudly. Ali took a step back so that her back rested against the counter.

"Nothing…I…I was just getting a drink. It slipped. I'm sorry. I'll clean it up right now." Ali said quickly.

_"Damn right _You better clean it up. Before your mother gets home." He ordered gruffly.

Ali's eyes flickered to the hallway. She hoped that she would see her mothers shadow appear. _Anyone_ would do, even Jason. But nobody was around to rescue her. She would have to deal with him on her own, again. She felt a brooding resentment for her mother grow inside her every time she was left in the house with him. Her mother _knew_ what he was like…she knew what he could do. She left her alone all the same, and Ali was starting to really resent her for it.

"Just one more thing in this broken house…just one more thing." Her father drawled.

Ali moved to get the dustpan from the cupboard. Her father stood in the center of the room, watching. She leaned down and began to sweep up the pieces of glass. She could feel his eyes boring into her as she tried not to look up.

"I'm so sick of this house…" Her dad muttered as she picked up the larger pieces and put them in the dustpan first. She tried to avoid cutting her hands. Her father moved to the side of the counter and poured himself another whiskey.

"If I could leave, I would." He murmured. "You're all so ungrateful. You come and go as you please." He continued.

_I come and go as I please so that I don't have to be around you. You're what makes people want to leave. _Ali thought angrily.

"All it is is one big mess. You and Jason, you have no idea. You're all so selfish. Your mother…she's selfish too…" He continued. Ali kept sweeping. She tried hard not to look up. She _hated_ her father, and the more he spoke, the less guilty she felt for it.

"Your mother was the one who wanted kids. I told her it would be too much of a burden. Why don't you all do everybody a favour and just _leave? _Your mother and I were _happy_ before you two. Now all you do is come in here…and you break things. You broke our relationship, too. Smash _all_ the glasses, while you're at it." He slurred, indicating to the cabinet by thrusting his arm out.

Ali tried not to be too hurt. She knew that when he started drinking, he would ramble. _He's not even making any sense. He's just talking. _She tried to convince herself that he was just drunk, and that his words didn't mean anything, but really…his words cut sharper than the glass at her feet.

"You…you're just useless. You're cold. You don't care about _anybody. _If you don't stop being so selfish…you'll end up _alone._ Nobody wants a spoilt little brat like you, anyway." Kenneth kept going. His drunken rants were nothing new to Ali. She knew he was mostly talking to himself, but this time, it struck a nerve.

"You'll never find anyone behaving the way you do. You'll end up alone, mark my words. You couldn't love if you tried." He spat. Ali tried to ignore it, but the alcohol inside her had dulled her senses. Usually, she wouldn't react, but she could feel the extra courage from the Bacardi as it flowed through her veins.

She felt the anger bubble up into a resentment inside her chest that she couldn't ignore, any more. She suddenly stood up. "Love?" Ali said angrily. "You want to talk to me about _love?" _

Kenneth looked shocked that Ali had actually responded. Ali took two steps forward. She felt a sudden burst of adrenaline rush through her.

"What do you know about love? You don't love us." She stated. A tear rolled slowly down her cheek as she stood up to her father for the first time. She shook with anger but her voice was calm.

She indicated to the glass of brown liquid in his hand. "The only thing you love is that glass in your hand...that bottle of whiskey on the counter. The only thing you _care_ about is _yourself! _So WHERE do you think we get it from? If we're _so _terrible…and unloving…and selfish…it's because of_ you._ The only thing you love in this world is being drunk. So don't talk to me about _love." _Ali stated aggressively.

Her dad said nothing. He seemed stunned by her outburst, and he stood quietly watching her. His eyes gave nothing away.

_Good. He has nothing to say. Good. Maybe he needed to hear that. _

She felt confident for all of ten seconds, before her fathers silence started to un nerve her. He walked slowly over to the kitchen counter and set his glass down calmly. Ali knew what it meant.

"What did you just say to me?" He whispered, without looking at her.

_Shit. Oh shit. Why did you react. Fuck. Run. Just run. _Ali thought. All the courage left her body. She knew she should move, but she was bolted to she spot. Her entire body felt frozen as her father strode over to her and grabbed her roughly by the hair at the back of her head. She cried out in pain, and reached up to try and free the tangled hair that was woven around his fingers.

"You ungrateful little _bitch_." He spat. His face was bright red. Ali didn't think she had ever seen him so angry before. He pushed her backwards until her body slammed painfully into the wall. She cried out again as a spasm of pain shot through her back. She looked up helplessly as tears fell freely from her eyes. She was so terrified that she couldn't even speak. _Oh my god…why was I so stupid. How could I be such an idiot…_

She felt his rough hand close around her neck as he released her hair. He held her against the kitchen wall in a bruising grip. Ali shook violently with fear. Her eyes blurred with tears as they streamed down her face.

Suddenly, he pulled his arm up, and Ali knew she was about to be punched in the face, hard. She squeezed her eyes shut and cringed into the wall as she saw his hand close into a fist. She couldn't struggle, he was just too strong. The only thing she could do was wait for the pain…and that was the worst part. She was completely helpless.

Ali kept her eyes shut as she awaited the inevitable. _Please let this be over soon…_she thought. But the blow never came. She opened her eyes slowly as she realised the reason why.

A slight rapping was coming from the front door. Ali had never felt so relieved in her entire life. Her father still had his fist raised above her head, ready to hit her, but he lowered it as his eyes moved to the hallway. She saw his features calm as he realised that someone was knocking on the door. He relaxed his grip on Ali's throat and she choked out a ragged breath. Her shaking hand went to her throat as she tried to soothe it.

"I'll deal with you later." He said sternly. He backed off, and moved to open the front door.

Ali let out a gasping breath as soon as her father was out of the room. She tried to stay quiet as she cried silently. She knew that if the person at the door heard her crying, then her father would only react worse once he returned. Alison stayed frozen to her spot against the wall. Her entire body felt completely numb. She couldn't even think.

The only thing that snapped her out of her frightened daze, was the sound of Emily's voice.

Ali was confused for a minute. She briefly thought that she was imagining it. Part of her felt like her mind had conjured Emily's voice up to help her escape from what was happening. Emily was the only thing in the entire world that made sense. So of course, why wouldn't she imagine her as the one who had come to save her?

It took a few seconds of listening to her father talk back to the phantom voice before she realised that it actually _was _Emily who had knocked on the door. She felt relief, but fear, at the same time. Emily was the last person on earth that she wanted her father near, especially when he was like this.

_What is she doing here? Oh god, she can't see me like this. Shes going to know something is going on. He needs to get away from her. Go away, Emily. Please. _She panicked, but she didn't dare move. She strained to hear what her father was saying. She could only just make out the conversation. _Something about a letter? She has a letter, for me? Please go, Emily. Please. _She finally heard her dad say goodbye to Emily and close the door. _Oh, thank god. Fuck. Now he's coming back. Please let him have calmed down._

Her father stalked back into the kitchen, and Ali wished she had run when she had the chance. Kenneth took a deep breath and looked at where Ali still stood against the wall. He held up a small white envelope in his hand. Ali could make out her name on it. It was scrawled in Emily's familiar handwriting. _She came to give me a letter?_

Her father looked at the smashed glass on the floor and then glanced up to Ali's face. "Clean this up." He stared firmly. He indicated to the letter in his hand. "I think I'll hold on to this. If you start behaving, maybe I'll give it to you." He said lowly. Ali watched him leave the room with her letter. She took a deep breath. _It's over. It's all over, now. You can breathe. He's gone._

Ali wanted to run from the house and never look back…but she knew that deep down, she was a coward. She couldn't run…every time she thought about it, she would think of her mother, and she knew she couldn't leave her alone with him. Jason was never home…he was too busy doing drugs with his friends to care, and he would leave home soon, anyway, she knew. She was slowly beginning to come to terms with her fate. One day he would hurt her…she knew that. She just didn't know when. She knew she would have to deal with it, eventually. She just didn't know how.

Ali pushed her hair back from her face with her hands. Her heart was still racing inside her chest.

_I need that letter. I need to get it back. He can take my courage…he can take my power, but he can't take her from me. Whatever is in there…I need to see it. I'd rather he punch me a thousand times than have him keep that letter. Oh my god. Did this really just happen. I was so close to being seriously hurt, this time. He would have punched me…and there would have been no explaining it to any one, this time. He usually cares enough not to leave a mark. Not this time. This time he would have hurt me, badly. I need to read what she's said before something ends up happening to me in this house. What's in that letter? Emily, what did you have to say to me that you couldn't say to my face? _She wondered. She stared at the glass on the floor and wiped away the tear tracks that stained her cheeks.

Ali began to clean up.

**THE FOLLOWING MORNING.**

Ali knew she was pushing her luck. Not only did she know she was pushing it, but she seriously worried that she was on her last chance. She felt like a cat with nine lives, and she had a deep feeling that life number eight had passed her by a long time ago.

One hour after she was supposed to leave for school, Ali found herself lying on the floor of her fathers office with a folded out paper clip, and a pair of eyebrow tweezers. Granted, they probably weren't the first choice of equipment one should use when it came to breaking and entering, but they were the best she had on hand. Besides, Google had told her that they would work just fine to pick a lock. She was currently testing that theory.

After what felt like an immeasurable amount of time, and a lot of swearing later, Ali heard the satisfying click that she had been hoping for since starting her mission. _Yes! Finally! Operation burglary is a success! _She thought proudly as she pulled open the hidden drawer inside her fathers dresser. She had already rifled through his entire filing cabinet and half of the papers on his desk.

Ali had been seven years old when she had first discovered the thing which had sparked her obsession with secret hiding places for many years to come. She had been playing hide and seek with her brother Jason, and had snuck into her fathers office to hide under his big mahogany desk. She knew it was out of bounds, and that they were absolutely forbidden to play anywhere near the room, but Ali had never been one for following the rules. She had managed to stay hidden from Jason for twenty five minutes as she listened to him roam the hallways of their big house looking for her in every room.

She sat smugly, and silently as she kept herself perfectly still. She was determined to win the game, even if she had to cheat. Eventually, she had simply... got bored. After a while, she began to re think her hiding place. The thought of spiders crept into her mind. She might be brave, but she had never been one for creepy crawlies. She looked up suddenly, and there it was...right above her head. Not a spider…but a _secret._ A small seam in the woodwork had given it away. It ran the entire length of the desk, but just above her, she spied a tiny hinge.

She had become fascinated with it from the very first second that she had realised what it was. A secret drawer. For years, she had tried to open it. She would wait until her father was out of the house, and she would push, and pull at it, to no avail. Eventually, as she got older…she had simply…forgotten about it. She had given up. The scarier her fathers behaviour had become…the less she had wanted to be caught trying to break into his desk. By the time she was a teenager, she had found her own, much more inventive hiding places…and she swore that _nobody _would ever get into _them,_ either.

As the drawer clicked open, Ali felt a rush of satisfaction. After looking _everywhere_ she could think of for the letter, she actually felt like she might have finally found it. There wasn't really anywhere left to check. She had already searched high and low for it, and come up empty handed. _It's got to be in here. This is the last place left. It's got to be here. And if it isn't…then I wonder what he's been trying to keep hidden, in here. _

Ali pocketed the tweezers and the wire. She had scratched her hands trying to open the drawer, but it had worked eventually. She stood up, and with sore hands, she rolled the tiny compartment open for the very first time. She didn't know what she had expected to find. Part of her thought it might be filled with pictures of women he had been having affairs with, or maybe a secret stash of money he had hidden away. She looked over the contents of the secret drawer, and to say she was underwhelmed was an understatement.

_This isn't interesting. _Ali thought, frowning with confusion. The only thing in the drawer was a small file with a few papers in it. It looked like some kind of court document. There was no letter from Emily anywhere to be seen. _FUCK! _She thought. She slammed the drawer shut with irritation. _He must have taken it with him to work. I've looked everywhere. This is literally the only place left. _Ali slumped down on a large leather chair which sat in front of the desk. She was crestfallen. She was desperate to know what Emily's letter said, and even more desperate for her father not to read it. She hoped that he had been too drunk to pay much attention to it, and that he hadn't opened it.

After sulking for a couple of minutes, Ali's curiosity finally got the better of her. She opened the drawer again, and picked up the folder which sat inside. As she flicked through it, and her eyes roamed over the words inside…it suddenly dawned on her what she was looking at. It wasn't an affair…and it wasn't about money…it was something far more hurtful. It was a _secret_…and for the first time in her life…it was one she wished she had ever found.

**EMILY FIELDS – THE SAME DAY – END OF SCHOOL**

Emily walked home from school in an anxious mood. She walked home with Spencer deliberately so that she could pass by Alison's house. She hadn't seen, or heard from Ali all day. Part of her wondered how Ali could afford to keep missing so much school. She was already in enough trouble as it was with her teachers, and Emily was sure she couldn't keep skipping her lessons for much longer. Emily tried to remember that she was angry with Ali, and that she shouldn't be caring if she got herself in trouble, but she knew she was kidding herself. Every part of her was absolutely desperate to know if Ali had read her letter, and she had felt on the verge of a panic attack every time she thought about Alison reading it.

Speaking to Ali's dad had been a strange experience. She couldn't say she had ever really spent much time in his presence before, but Emily could finally see where Ali had inherited her intimidating aura from. She couldn't help but notice that there was just something _off_ about him.

When he had answered the door to her the previous night, Emily could tell that something was wrong. She hadn't wanted to give him the letter, but he had seen it in her hand. He had pretty much insisted that she give it to him so that he could give it to Alison. Emily had tried to refuse, but he had persisted, all but snatching it from her. He seemed in a real hurry to get rid of her, and Emily couldn't figure out why. She had asked if she could speak to Ali, but he had said she wasn't home. Emily knew that there was every chance she was still at the barn with Matt, so she hadn't argued. But something about the way he had said it just seemed…disingenuous. She also thought she could smell the faint aroma of alcohol coming from him, too…but that wasn't her business. She had reluctantly given up the letter under the premise that Ali would receive it. She hadn't heard from the blonde all day, though…so she had no real way to know if Ali had read it at all. Not knowing was torture.

"You alright, Em?" Spencer asked as they turned the corner onto Ali's street. "You've been quiet, lately. More so, these last couple of days. I spoke to Hanna, she said she thought the same."

_Nice to know I'm being watched. _Emily thought. She had never wished to be more invisible than she had the last few weeks. She was just waiting for someone to call her out on her feelings for Ali. It was only a matter of time before it became glaringly obvious that something was wrong between them.

"No…I'm good. I'm just stressed, lately, that's all. I've got a lot on my mind." She said casually.

"Really, like what?" Spencer asked. She wasn't the type to let something drop.

"Ben." Emily answered automatically, using her only excuse. She knew she couldn't talk about Alison, so she said the first other problem that came into her mind.

"Ben? What's wrong…you're not happy with him?" Spencer inquired with a tilt to her head.

"I…no. Not really." Emily couldn't help it. It just came out. "I think I want to end things…I don't know…" She murmured. She hadn't realised the truth in her words until _after_ she had said them. With everything going on with Ali, she knew it wasn't right to be dating Ben. She knew that eventually she would have to finish with him. She had sent a letter to her best friend, saying that she was in love with her…and having a boyfriend on top of that, wasn't right.

"Really?" Spencer exclaimed in shock. "I just thought that you guys were…you know…happy?" She asked quizzically.

"We were. I mean we are. I just don't think it's the right time to be dating." Emily struggled to find a plausible excuse that didn't involve the fact that she was in love with her best friend…who was also a girl.

Spencer frowned. This had obviously all come out of the blue, to her. "Okay…I gotta admit, I wasn't expecting you to say that."

"I don't know. I guess I hadn't really thought it until I just said it. But I think it's right. I don't think I feel the same way about him any more." Emily admitted.

The two girls had finally reached Spencer's front door. "Look, I've gotta get to my tutor session. I told Andrew Campbell that I'd go over his English paper with him, but if you need to talk later, give me a call, okay?" Spencer said kindly. "Just do what's right for you, Em. If being with him isn't what you want, then there's nothing wrong with that." She stated. Emily nodded. She was grateful that Spencer had to go. She didn't think she could take any further interrogation on the matter.

They stood opposite one another as Emily's eyes flickered over to the house on the right. _I should knock on the door…I should see if she's okay. _Emily thought.

"Thanks, Spence." She answered. "I think I'm gonna go see if Ali is home. I wanna know why she wasn't at school today. She might be sick or something."

Spencer turned to walk down her perfectly trimmed garden path. "She's probably hungover. Didn't you hear Hanna today? They went out last night to see Sean. I didn't manage to catch much of the story through Hanna's excited squeals but apparently she got a little drunk." She said dryly.

_Oh, I know. I saw. I saw more than I wanted to. _Emily thought.

"Yeah, I heard Hanna today, how could I miss it!" Emily laughed.

She might be mad at Ali, but she found Hanna's love for Sean quite endearing. She might not have liked the way Ali had set them up, or what ended up happening with Matt…but that wasn't Hanna's fault.

Hanna had been talking about her talk with Sean non stop. Emily was pretty sure she knew every detail the was to know about car engines. Should her car break down, she wouldn't have to call roadside assistance, she'd just need to call Hanna. Hanna had paid exquisite attention to every single word out of Sean's mouth, and had repeated it in full numerous times through out the day, much to the boredom of everyone listening.

"Alright! Well don't say I didn't warn you!" Spencer said over her shoulder as she unlocked her front door. "If she's hungover, I'm sure you'll be in for a treat! Good luck!" She yelled as she waved goodbye. Emily waved back.

She hesitated for a second after Spencer shut her front door. She knew she shouldn't keep pushing the Ali situation – surely the blonde would talk to her if she wanted to? But she just couldn't _leave it._ She felt like she needed to hear what Ali had to say about her letter. She hadn't even had a text message about it, and it was starting to worry her.

Emily started walking, and inevitably enough, she found herself in front of Ali's front door. She thought about it for five seconds, before caving in, and knocking on the door. She waited nervously for Ali to answer. _If she's not in there, then I really have no idea where she could be. Why wasn't she at school today? _

The door clicked open and Emily looked up. _Oh my god…_she thought, as she stared into the crystal blue eyes of the girl she loved. Ali looked absolutely exhausted. It was obvious that she had been crying, her eyes were red and puffy, and a faint line of mascara marred her cheeks where the tear tracks still remained. Ali looked alarmed to see Emily, and her eyes widened in shock as soon as she saw who was at the door.

"Ali…what happened?" Emily asked in a concerned tone.

Ali's voice was rough when she answered. She quickly wiped her eyes and to hide the evidence of her tears, but it was no use. It was obvious how upset she was. She couldn't hide it. "Em…what are you doing here? You can't be here, now. It's…it's a _really_ bad time." Ali emphasised.

She looked like she couldn't wait to get away. She had one arm out against the wall and the other on the door, as if blocking the entrance so that Emily couldn't enter, or see inside.

"I can see that..." Emily trailed off. "Are you alright? You look like you've been crying…" Emily said kindly. She didn't want to push, but looking at the state Ali was in, Emily thought that she might need pushing.

"No. It's fine, really." Ali brushed off. "It's a family thing. It's just…it's complicated, Em." She stated.

"Well you don't _look_ fine! What happened, Ali?" Emily questioned. She searched the blondes face with concern.

"Em _please…_I can't do this right now. I'm really busy, I…I just…just please drop it." Ali said sternly.

Emily was slightly taken aback. She could tell that Ali was alone in the house – both her parents cars were gone. So what could have possibly happened to make her so upset?

_Oh my god. Please tell me she isn't upset about my letter. Please tell me it didn't hurt her. Oh my god…did she read it? Is that what this is about?_

"I just…" Emily started quietly. "I just came to see if…" She trailed off.

"If I'm okay? I'm _fine. _I really have to go, Em. I'll speak to you tomorrow, okay?" Ali said sharply. She moved as if she was about to close the door. Emily took a tentative step back.

"Did you get my letter?" Emily said quickly, before Ali had the chance to close the door. _Shit. Fuck. Oh, God…._

Ali opened the door again a tiny fraction. "No. I didn't. Please, Em. I need to go." She said quietly.

Emily loathed to leave her. She could tell that Ali was obviously distressed. The fact that she hadn't read the letter was also a blow to her as well. _Either he didn't give it to her…or she has it and she just doesn't care. Maybe she doesn't want to know what I have to say. This was all such a mistake…_

"Fine." Emily said with irritation. _You know what, fine. Don't read it. He obviously gave it to her, why wouldn't he? She's probably crying because Matt cheated on her again or something. I can't deal with this._

Emily turned around and walked away from the door as quickly as she could. She heard Ali close it as soon as she turned around. She was surprised she had managed to walk away, but after all that had happened lately, she found it was getting easier and easier to stay away from Ali. Everything about the situation was just _so _difficult. It hurt to be around her, and it hurt to be without her. _Every time I get close to her she pushes me away…she doesn't want to be near me. She doesn't want me near her, either. I need to accept that_. Emily thought sadly as she stomped away from Ali's house.

**THE FOLLOWING DAY. 5pm**

Emily stepped out of the pool and made her way over to the locker rooms to change. She wrapped her towel around her body and her soaking swimsuit and watched the stragglers filter out from the doors. _Great. I'm glad they're all going home. I just want to be alone. _She thought as she flicked her wet hair back. She had spent the last hour training by herself in the pool. She had had a particularly hard day.

It had been an interesting morning for Emily, and to say she had been irritated all day, was putting it lightly. She had seen Ali that morning as she had walked into school, and she had seemed absolutely _fine. _There had been no mention of the letter, no mention of being upset the night before, and no mention of her kiss with Matt. She had made sure that she was surrounded by people _all _day, so that Emily had absolutely no chance of being alone with her. Emily had wanted to speak to her properly in the morning, but Ali had been so standoffish with her that she didn't know how to even approach the subject. She didn't even know if she _wanted _to talk to her about any of it, any more. Whatever was bothering Ali the night before, it certainly wasn't now.

When she saw her again at lunch, she still seemed like she didn't have a care in the world. She had laughed, and joked, and chatted with their friends as if nothing in the world had gone on. She had even joined in when Hanna told them all _again _about her conversation with Sean. Emily had sat and listened to every word in annoyance. She was almost waiting for Ali to come out and brag about her kiss with Matt, but thankfully, she didn't bring it up. Emily knew that she was the only other person apart from Ali that knew it had even happened, and Alison didn't even know she had seen it. Still, the fact that Ali could seem one way one minute, and another way the next, was really beginning to take its toll on Emily.

She tried to block out her irritation by kissing Ben in front of Ali. Part of her even hoped it might make her jealous…but she got no reaction at all. She had waited for Ben to walk up to them as they stood in a group, chatting. He had leaned down to give her a peck on the lips and she had all but thrown herself at him, kissing him particularly hard, and for a little too long. Spencer had given her a disapproving look – probably because of their conversation the previous day…but Emily was far too annoyed to care. She had thought that Ali might react, even a tiny bit…but she was wrong. She didn't bat an eyelid. She had started to wonder if Ali might have stopped caring about her entirely. The whole situation was beginning to really, really grate on her. Still, underneath it all, Emily cared. She _still_ cared. She wanted Ali to care _back. _That was the problem…and she just wasn't seeing it.

Emily made her way over to her locker. She had thought that a swim might set her mind at ease, and relax her a bit, but she was wrong. She just felt _more_ worked up, now. She was at a loss. _If swimming can't even fix this mood, then what the hell can? _She thought.

Emily pulled her locker door open and grabbed her bag. She set it down on the benches in front of her as she hastily packed away her things. She was in the process of grabbing her jackets off the hangers, when she heard a banging sound echo through the room.

"Hello?" She called out. She was _sure_ the room was empty before she had gone in there…she had watched everyone_ leave. _She stopped what she was doing and listened.

She heard the noise again, but fainter, now. It sounded like someone was walking around behind the lockers. "Hello?" She called again as she turned around. "Anybody here..."

She didn't get a response. She _knew_ someone was there, though. She could hear them walking around. _Why aren't they answering. This is kinda creepy…_

"Hello?" She said again, this time a little frightened. She walked tentatively round the side of the lockers.

Suddenly, she smacked straight into a figure in front of her. Her heart leapt into her throat and she screamed out in shock. She grabbed her chest in fright and backed up against the locker.

"Oh my god!" She exclaimed in a high pitched shriek.

Her heart was beating so fast she thought she'd be able to hear it echo throughout the room. She only relaxed once she realised who it was. Ben stood in front of her.

_Oh my god what is he doing in here? This is the girls locker room. If anyone catches him he's so dead. Oh god, I just wanna be alone right now. I just need some time to myself. _She thought. Her hand still clutched her chest as she took a deep breath.

"Damn!" Ben laughed. "You're jumpy!"

"How did you get in here?" Emily asked. She felt bad for it, but Ben was the last person she wanted to see right now.

"Walked." Ben said sarcastically. He moved towards her with a grin on his face.

Emily backed up a little. She knew she wasn't in the best mood to talk to anyone at that moment, and she just wanted some time to herself to clear her head. She was also annoyed that Ben had just walked right into the girls locker room and scared her half to death.

"Yeah, well…if somebody catches you…" Emily trailed off in an irritated tone. She started pushing her clothes into her gym bag quickly. She just wanted to go home, and she was feeling more and more irritable by the second.

"I'll take my chances." Ben scoffed.

Emily threw her towel onto the bench, leaving her in just her blue swimsuit. She noticed Ben look her up and down with approval as he moved closer to her.

She picked up her black jeans and started to put them on over her swimsuit. She knew it was stupid, and that she'd probably get her clothes soaked, but she felt a little exposed. She knew that Ben was her boyfriend, and that it shouldn't matter, but she _really_ didn't want him looking at her body. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew that if this was how she was feeling, then it was already over between them. _I shouldn't be this uncomfortable around him. I shouldn't mind him being in here…I should find it cute. I should find it sexy…but I don't. I don't want him seeing me half naked. _She thought.

She had only just managed to pull her jeans over her hips, when Ben moved closer to her.

"Besides…_we_ need some alone time." He said suggestively. He grabbed her by the arms and pushed her back against the lockers. He leaned over her with a grin. He held her shoulders as she quickly buttoned her jeans. He stared down at her, his eyes roaming over her chest. Emily could tell where his mind was at. She tried to shrug off the suggestive mood he was in.

"_I _need to get dressed." She said sternly, but playfully. She hoped he would understand the message.

Her smile soon faltered when he leaned closer, still. One of his hands went to the back of her neck, and the other drifted towards the strap on her swimsuit.

"Don't bother." He countered as he pulled the strap away from her shoulder slightly.

Emily hastily reached up to pull it back in place. _Fuck. He wants to have sex. Right here. Right now, shit. Think of an excuse. He's in a really pushy mood. He won't let this go lightly._

"I can't do this now, my mom's expecting me." She said, and tried to give him a smile. She knew she was coming across as stand offish, though.

Ben looked really annoyed. He rested his arm against the locker door next to Emily's head and frowned. He stayed leaning over her though, right in her personal space.

"What's up, Em?" He breathed harshly. "I mean, this morning you were all over me…and now I'm some marching band geek with Funyun breath…what's going on?" He shrugged. Emily looked down, she didn't know what to say. She didn't want to hurt him, but she knew she would, eventually. _It might be easier to get it over with right now. Just tell him it's over. No, I can't. I can't do it here, like this. It's not fair. It's not right. I'll have to end it a better way. I don't want to do it while I'm this annoyed. _She thought.

"Nothing!" She lied. "I've just…got a lot on my mind, _okay._" She said irritably. He was leaning over her so far that she felt trapped. She moved his arm to the side and ducked away from him.

He suddenly pushed her back, hard. Emily wasn't expecting it. Her back hit the lockers with a thud as he resumed his position leaning over her. "Alright." He said. "Maybe you need to _relax." _

Emily took a staggered breath. She wasn't happy about the way he had pushed her, at all. She was about to say so, but his lips suddenly crashed against hers. She tried to pull away, but he kissed her again, more forcefully this time. She was beginning to panic a little bit. She was alone, half naked in a deserted school, with someone who was being _very_ pushy with her. She knew he wanted sex, and she could feel the situation escalating to a place she didn't like.

She turned her head to the side, avoiding his kisses. "Ben I can't do this right now, okay." She said shakily.

"Why?" Ben laughed, ignoring her. He started kissing her neck and the side of her face with desperate kisses. She tried to pull her head away but he reached a hand up to the side of her face to hold her still. That was when she _really_ knew she was in trouble.

_Oh my god he's not listening to me. He's not stopping. Oh my god, if I don't get away he's not going to stop! _Emily realised in shock.

"Seriously, _stop_." Emily said, her voice rising in panic. He reached an arm down to pin her against the locker as he kissed her neck more forcefully.

Emily tried to talk to him to get him to stop. "You're acting strange." She said shakily as she felt his hand snake down to her side. His other hand roamed past her neck to her swimsuit strap again. He tried to hook his fingers under it to pull it down. Emily raised her arm and tried to knock his hand away from her, but it was no use, he was stronger. She felt his hand move to palm her breast roughly. He grunted into her throat as she tried to push him back.

He continued to kiss her, neck, her mouth, and her face as his hand at her side moved roughly to the button on her jeans. Emily panicked. _FUCK! Oh my god. I can't get him off! _She thought as she struggled against his strong body. He ignored her cries and her fighting as he held her firmly in place.

"Ben! Get off me!" She shouted as he ignored her, still. She felt his fingers undo the button on her jeans and start to push their way inside the fabric. She felt his rough hand slip over the front of her swimsuit, between her legs. She hit and scratched at the side of his arm to stop him, but he just laughed, and carried on groping her.

_Oh my god...he's going to. He's really going to…_

"Get off!" She shouted again, and this time, to her surprise, it worked.

All of a sudden, Ben flew away from her and crashed into the side of the locker doors face first. Emily breathed heavily and her shaking hands came up in front of her body to protect herself. She was thrown by what she saw. Ali stood in front of her holding a large hockey stick. She had appeared out of nowhere and smacked Ben over the back with it. She held the stick high above her head as if it was a baseball bat in a threatening stance. She was glaring at Ben. Emily looked on in shock as Ben recovered from the push. He stumbled on his feet as he righted his footing.

"What the _fuck!" _He growled. He spat blood from his mouth onto the floor and stared menacingly at Ali. She held her ground. Emily looked back and forth between them both.

"Get off means get OFF, asshole!" She shouted.

Ben took an imposing step towards Ali, but she just raised the stick higher above her head as if she was about to hit him with it.

Ben looked at the stick, and thought better of it. He turned to Emily instead. "Emily…tell this crazy bitch to back the fuck off before she gets hurt." He threatened angrily.

"It's you who'll get hurt if you don't get the _fuck_ out of here. Right NOW!" Ali seethed. She took a step forward. For a second Emily thought she would hit him with the stick anyway, and tried to stop the situation before it got any worse.

"Just go, Ben." She said calmly. She held her hand out between the two of them, hoping neither would make a move.

"What?" Ben said in shock. He looked at Emily in disbelief. "She's trying to hit me with a fucking hockey stick! You'd rather take _her_ side, over mine?"

Emily was angry. After what he'd been doing, how could he seriously think she would take his side? "You might wanna ask yourself _why_ she hit you, Ben. I told you to get off, and you wouldn't." She explained in a shaky voice.

"Fuck! I was just trying to have some fun! What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you wanna be a virgin the rest of your life?" He said angrily. He wiped the blood away from his mouth.

Emily was disgusted. "If it means never having sex with _you…_then _yes_. I would." She growled. She was furious. _How dare he. He attacks me, and then acts like he was doing me a favour! "_Get over yourself!" She added. "It's over. We're done."

"Get _over _myself_!" _He mimicked in disbelief. "Get over _yourself!" _He spat and moved towards the door. Ali turned as he stalked past her. She never took her eyes off him, and kept the stick raised above her head the entire time he was still in the room. It wasn't until she heard the locker room door slam shut with a loud bang that she finally dropped the stick, sending it clattering to the floor.

Ali spun around quickly and ran straight over to where Emily was leaning against the lockers, shaking. She stopped in front of her, breathing heavily, waiting to see if Emily was okay.

Emily couldn't speak, she was in shock. She stayed frozen to the spot as she tried to take in all that had happened, and what had _almost_ happened. _She saved me. He almost… He would have...if she hadn't come in when she did…he almost…_

Ali noticed her distress immediately. "Em, it's okay. It's alright. You're alright." Ali whispered quietly, trying to soothe her nerves. She looked at Emily with kindness, and concern. Her blue eyes glittered with sympathy. Emily had never been happier to see her, but she was too shaken up to express it.

Ali looked at Emily's trembling hands, and tentatively moved her own hands up to where Emily's were still slightly raised. She gently linked their fingers. She never broke eye contact, and Emily was grateful for it. She needed to stay grounded if she was going to be able to keep from fainting. Ali searched Emily's eyes tenderly for signs of distress. She brought their hands down low, and waited for Emily to calm down. Emily felt the warmth of her fingers, how they linked with hers in a tender caress, and she took a shaky breath as she calmed her nerves. Ali's touch sent a comforting silence into her heart, and she felt her clouded mind clear.

"That's it. Breathe with me, Em. It's okay now." Ali encouraged. She gently squeezed Emily's fingers and watched the brunette take a deep, calming breath. "Breathe…sweetie." Ali said. "That's it." she said as she helped the brunette to stop shaking. Ali held her tightly. "You're alright. You're not hurt." Her eyes flickered worriedly over Emily's face. "Are you?" She asked quietly.

Emily finally found her voice. "He…" She started. "We…we were alone…and he…" She stammered. She was close to tears.

"I know. I know, I saw. It's alright. He's gone. It's over now. You're alright. I promise, you're alright." Ali whispered gently. She unlinked one of their hands so that she could bring it up to cup the side of Emily's face. Emily felt a tear slip past her eye and drift down along her cheek. Ali's thumb brushed it away as she delicately held her face. Despite all that had happened, Emily had never felt safer in her life than she did at that moment.

Emily found it hard to express what she was feeling. The shock had finally begun to wear off, and reality was setting in slowly. Ali had saved her. If she hadn't come in when she did, then Emily was_ sure_ she wouldn't have been able to fight Ben off if he had decided to push things any further. The dangerous situation she had narrowly avoided sent a fearful jolt through her heart. She swallowed nervously.

"If you hadn't been here…I don't know what would have happened." Emily said sincerely.

"I will _always_ be here, Em. Always." Ali promised. She rubbed her thumb along the back of Emily's hand in a tender caress.

"You will?" Emily asked quietly.

Ali have her a small smile. "_Always._" She repeated, with another brush of her thumb to Emily's cheek.

Emily's heart swelled at the words, and she reached her free hand up to where Ali's was cupping her face. She covered Ali's hand with her own, holding it against her cheek as she closed her eyes. She pulled Ali closer against her body and let Ali's forehead rest against hers. Ali's eyes fluttered closed as she held tightly on to Emily's hand. They were close enough to kiss, but they didn't. This wasn't about that for Emily. This was about comfort, and just having Ali pressed against her was enough. She felt safe, and warm, and protected. At first she worried that at any second, Ali would pull away. But she didn't. She just let Emily hold her. Emily was eternally grateful for that small act of mercy. She needed Ali in that moment more than she had ever needed her before. Somehow, she felt like Ali knew that. She felt like despite everything, there _was _something between them that could never be broken. No matter what Ali said or did. She wished she could stay there forever, feeling the warmth of Alison's hands soothe her shaking body, and hear her words, which were warmer still, ease the ache in her heart.

It was the shiver that ran down her freezing chest that finally broke their embrace. She was still wearing a wet swimming costume, and only the jeans she was wearing were keeping her legs warm. Her arms were bare, and she knew she needed to get home. She didn't want to spend one more moment in that locker room. It seemed as if all the most awful moments in her life had happened in there recently. She hated the place. Her skin was raised with goosebumps and a violent shudder wracked her body as the cold inevitably sunk in. The adrenaline had finally worn off, and her senses were beginning to return.

Their eyes were still closed, and it was Ali that spoke first, her concern for Emily's health finally allowing Emily to release her from the embrace that she never wanted to end.

"Em…you're freezing. I can feel it." She murmured. "You have to put some clothes on." She pulled her head back so that she was almost nose to nose with the brunette.

_She stayed with me. She let me calm down. She helped me. I thought she didn't care about me, but she does. She really, really does. _

Emily slowly opened her eyes. She looked over Ali's heart shaped face and smiled. "Thank you." She said, realising that she wasn't exactly answering Ali's request.

Ali looked confused. She frowned. "For what?" She asked with an inquisitive tilt of her head.

Emily gave her an endearing look. "For promising that you'd always be here." Emily stated.

She didn't want to elaborate further. She knew that if she started talking about her feelings now, then she wouldn't be able to stop. There was still a _lot _she wanted to ask Ali about, but presently all she wanted to do was get out of the damn locker room.

"I meant it, Em." Ali answered sincerely. She looked Emily up and down, and smiled. "Now put a shirt on before you die of pneumonia."

Emily felt her gaze as it raked over her half naked form. She smiled shyly. She grabbed her sharks shirt from insider her bag and pulled it over her head. Ali sat on the bench and watched as she changed.

"I'll walk you home." Ali said. Emily thought at first that she might leave her, but she seemed to know that Emily didn't want to be alone. She was grateful for the offer. The last thing she wanted to do was walk home alone.

Emily finished changing, slipping on her sneakers as she walked over to where her gym bag was sat next to the blonde on the bench. She started to bend down to pick it up, when something caught her eye. As she looked down, she suddenly noticed that the button was undone on her jeans. She froze. _That's from when he…when he almost…_

A violent flash shot through her mind as she remembered Ben's wandering fingers, and she found she couldn't move.

Ali noticed her stall. "Em, what is it?" She asked in concern. She frowned, and looked Emily up and down before her eyes rested on the button that Emily's gaze was fixed to.

"He..." Emily started, but couldn't finish. Her hands moved to the button to do it up. Her fingers were suddenly shaking so badly that she couldn't manage it. She let out a noise of frustration as she tried to control her nervous hands.

"Em…" She dimly heard Ali say, but she couldn't concentrate. All her effort was going into trying to calm the trembling in her fingers. She fiddled with the button anxiously as she felt herself get close to tears again.

"Emily…" Ali repeated, but Emily ignored it. She was far too busy trying to close the button. She just wanted it done, with no more reminders of what had nearly occurred.

"Emily...stop." She heard Ali say again, sterner, but soft at the same time.

Her voice was much closer now, and Emily finally noticed that Ali had moved without her realising it, and come to stand in front of her. Ali frowned as she took in Emily's distress. She felt the blondes fingers quickly cover her own. They stilled her frustrated hands as they rested against the top button on her jeans. Her fingertips stopped only _just_ below her belly button, but low _enough_ for Emily's mind to suddenly refocus on their intimate proximity to parts of her that _always_ ached for Ali, no matter the circumstances. She took in a shaky breath as her mind changed direction. She always wondered how just a touch from Ali could take any pain she was feeling away in an instant. It was as if the second she lay her hands on her, everything else just drifted away.

Ali looked down at their hands, and back up to Emily's face. "Let me." She breathed softly. There was a hint of something else in her tone, too, but Emily couldn't figure it out.

Ali kept eye contact with Emily as she pushed slightly at Emily's hands, allowing her to drop them down to her sides. Ali gripped the open piece of fabric in a firm grip. The brunette sucked in a shallow breath as she felt Ali sharply tug the button over to the loop, and pull it through. She could feel the blondes fingers pressing through the fabric of her jeans, and she felt it _everywhere. _Her stomach jolted, hard. She was sure Ali could feel it, but if she did, she didn't say a word. There was a flush of arousal which streamed through her body. It seemed to spark through her until it settled between her legs, just below where Ali's hands were currently pressing into her lightly. Ali didn't say a thing, she just continued to look into Emily's eyes, watching her, as she finished doing up the button.

Ali kept her hand against the button on Emily's waistline as she spoke lowly to Emily, all the while staring into her eyes with a penetrating, cerulean gaze. Emily's whole body was locked into her touch, as if she was hypnotised. "No part of you belongs to him." Ali said seriously. "No part, Emily, do you understand. He didn't take anything from you." She pressed down on the button a little harder, and Emily could feel the start of a slow pleasurable burn, low in her abdomen. Her eyes flickered at the sensation. "You're still the same person. You've still got power. He didn't take it from you, okay? Tell me you know that. Tell me you'll be alright." Ali pleaded.

"I will. I know I will." Emily answered truthfully. _I will because you're here. You're the only person that can take something from me. And you promised you weren't going anywhere. If I have you, then I'll always be okay._

It was in that moment, that Emily realised that Ali was right. He _hadn't _taken anything from her. She might have had a near miss, but she wouldn't allow him to change her. It was feeling her bodies reaction to Ali that made her realise that there were some things that _couldn't_ be taken from a person. There were some things that remained, even after an ordeal like that. She thought that what he had done might put her off sex, or intimacy, or trusting a person, but it hadn't. Feeling Ali's fingers on her skin, _so _close to the parts of her that ached for her touch, just made her realise that she _would_ be okay. She was still the same. She hadn't lost anything.

Yet.

**Authors Note: well! Neither of those two had a very good time of it this chapter did they! But I thought it was kinda cute that they both ended up saving each other. There will be lighter chapters later on but it's important to the storyline and Ali's disappearance to have these events occur. I hope they aren't too hard to read! We will get right into Ali's disappearance imminently and there are a lot of surprises planned. I know Ali saving emily from Ben in the locker room was off canon but you guys all asked to see it so I was happy to change things up and have her rescue her! I think it's safe to say that from now on expect to have things be a little off canon for a while! Hope you don't mind! I also have an idea for the barn scene in mind, but I don't know if any of you are too bothered about it being included. Please let me know and if y'all decide that you want it in there, then I'll put it in! If there are any other scenes or moments you'd like included, Please tell me so that I can see if I can fit them in too! Would any one like to hear Ali's POV of this chapter? or are you ready to move forward? You guys are the heart and soul of the story! You help me to write it! Thank you SO much for all your kind words and encouragement. I really couldn't do it without you. Every time I get stuck on a part of the story, and decide to have a writing break, you guys are always what pulls me back to my iPad to continue! I love you all. My Twitter is hauntedtwilight. **


	21. An Unexpected Goodbye

**Authors Note: HEY! So! You guys are amazing as **_**always! **_**I'm so SO glad you guys are still here with me! I know this is a long story lol! And there's still much much more to come so I'm beyond grateful that you're still reading, your comments have been so helpful, and so lovely! I know a lot of you asked for the locker room scene to have Ali rescuing emily Instead of toby, and I'm so glad you liked it! Those two are just too cute.**

**I'm pleased to see that a lot of you are starting to pick up little clues here and there that are going to be important later on! There are many hidden things in this story that will all make sense later, I promise! As I mentioned before, this next part of the story is very angsty! Quick disclaimer: I'm doing Ali's disappearance next, and over the next three chapters or so, some of the content might get quite dark! I hope you don't mind! It's very very important to their relationship later on to have these things happen now, though. And I promise. You don't want to miss what happens after the disappearance! (Hehe) I know some of you were excited to read the scenes where Ali goes missing, and some of you were dreading them, so what I'm going to do is post this next part, and then try and write the rest of the disappearance as quickly as possible. It's taken a lot of planning, and I am actually really nervous about posting it. I just want you guys to enjoy this story, even the parts where horrible things are happening! I will try and get the next parts posted as quickly as I can! There might be some surprises in there too! Thank you so much for still being here!**

"_Childhood is not from birth to a certain age. And at a certain age the child is grown, and puts away childish things. Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies."_

– _Edna St. Vincent Millay_

**EMILY FIELDS**

The way home from school wasn't a particularly long route, but as she walked hand in hand with Ali, Emily found herself wishing it was longer. They hadn't said much at all, really. After what had happened in the locker room, a quiet silence had fallen over them. Neither of them seemed to mind much. Emily was enjoying the peaceful serenity of just _existing_ along side someone she cared for so dearly. It was calming, having Ali so close. She didn't have to _think. _When she was with her, she could just _be. _They hadn't said a word since Ali had helped her finish getting dressed. The blonde had simply taken her by the hand, smiled sweetly, and walked her out of the room.

She wanted more than anything to talk to Ali about her letter, but she couldn't bring herself to break the mood. It was as if _finally_, after so long, the Ali she knew was back. Gone was the frost, and the glare, and the sass that so often made the blonde unapproachable to her, and in its place was the Ali she so dearly loved with all her heart. The Alison that would hold her hand, and swing their arms as they fell into a peaceful stride alongside each other…the Ali that would reach out with her little finger, and link it with her own. There was no uncomfortable silence, because really, how could she feel uncomfortable around someone who had protected her so fiercely, and held her so dearly afterwards?

The best part of it all, was that Ali hadn't let go of her since they left the locker room. Some part of her, at all times, was touching Emily. Wether it be a linked arm, or a joined hand, she had held her in one way or another, all the way back to her house. Emily was eternally grateful for the contact. She thought that as long as Ali would just hold on to her, then she wouldn't remember anything about what had happened with Ben. Because with Ali, she was safe, she was whole, and above all else, she didn't need to think. She was just _complete._

The two girls reached the front door of Alison's house, and Emily suddenly realised where they were. Ali had said she would walk Emily home, so the brunette was intrigued as to why they had gone to Alison's house, instead.

The blonde turned to Emily. They stood close together in front of Alison's front door, and Emily waited for her to speak.

Ali took a deep breath. "Em, listen. I know we need to talk…but I think there's something I have to do, first."

Emily was confused. She didn't have a clue what Ali was talking about. She felt the blonde break their hands apart for the first time since being at school. She immediately missed the contact. "What do you mean?" She asked quietly.

"I just…I want to talk to you…" Ali seemed to stall. "But…there are…_things_ going on that I need to deal with first." She pushed her long blonde hair back over her shoulder. "I know I've not been fair to you." She said in a small voice. Emily said nothing, she just waited, and let Ali speak.

_What's going on, Ali? Because I'm so confused. _Emily thought. She was desperate to know wether Ali had finally read her letter, and she had _so _much more she wanted to say. She was beginning to seriously regret writing it at all. It had been full of anger, and pain, and it really wasn't the way she wanted to tell Ali that she loved her. She knew there was no use worrying now, though. She had either read it, or she hadn't. There was nothing she could do to change that.

"I just…I need to sort a few things out. In my head. I know I've not been very…nice lately. I know that, okay. And I'm sorry. I just…I have a lot on my mind." Ali said with a sigh. "I came to find you today to tell you that I'm sorry for yesterday. When you came to my door I was…I wasn't myself." She said quietly, and sadly, and Emily couldn't figure out _why._

_What has happened to make her act this way? She's never like this. She seems so sad, and confused. This isn't about my letter at all…this is something else. _

Ali seemed to notice Emily's concerned expression, and cut her off before she could ask any questions. "I promise, I'll talk to you about it soon. I just have to figure it all out, first." She stated.

Emily nodded. She was completely confused about what was going on.

"Em, can you…wait here a sec. I have something for you. I just…will you hold on to it for me? Will you keep it safe? I just want you to have it…it's _really_ important, Em." Ali said seriously.

Emily nodded again, and waited outside while Ali opened her door, and went inside. She was alone for the first time since she had been swimming earlier, and she felt her head clear a little as she let the cool breeze wash over her face. She took a deep breath. _What a day. _She thought. _I'll have to tell someone about Ben. He can't get away with that. He might do it to someone else. I'll have to say something. _She made up her mind. _God, who do I even tell? He didn't actually do anything. What am I supposed to do? _She wondered anxiously. She thought over Alison's words in the locker room and smiled slightly as her nerves were suddenly calmed. _She promised she would always be here. I can get through it. I can get through anything when I have her with me. _She waited for Ali to return.

The door creaked open a couple of minutes later and Ali stepped back outside. She stood opposite emily holding a small round package wrapped in light pink paper. Emily frowned as she looked it over. Ali smiled nervously. She held it in her hands as if it was precious, and would break if she gripped it too tightly. She stood in front of Emily, and with a slight tremble of her hand, she held it out to her. Emily reached out, and took the package from Alison's hands hesitantly. Emily was surprised by the weight of it, and she could feel something cold, and hard underneath the paper.

Ali nodded her head towards the paper. "Open it." She said quietly.

Emily gave Alison an inquisitive look, and did as she had been instructed. She unwrapped the paper slowly as she uncovered the object beneath.

It was an exquisitely crafted snow globe. At its center stood a girl in a pink dress, underneath an intricately carved wooden tree. Small red petals fell in the place of snow, and the girl seemed to be dancing under them as they drifted down inside the glass dome. The base was aged, and wooden. Inside the small grooves, which ran across the middle, were faded foreign words engraved in a scrawled script. Emily didn't know which language it was, but she couldn't understand it. They read: _Celare Secretum. _Emily smiled at the intricacy of the design.

The brunette gasped in awe. "It's _beautiful." _She said in wonder as she looked over the delicate object in her hands.

"It's vintage…" Ali said quietly. She was gazing intently at Emily.

_This is incredible. And so thoughtful. It's so lovely…_

Emily couldn't speak, she was so moved by the gesture.

"My grandma gave it to me." Ali continued. "I wanted you to have it." She added kindly.

Ali looked Emily up and down tenderly. "You're the only one that…really understands me, Em." Her voice turned melancholy, and she seemed to have trouble getting her words out.

After a long pause, she continued. "The only one that I can…completely be honest with." She said truthfully.

Emily didn't know what to say. It was an incredibly sweet gesture. She smiled at Ali as she held the snow globe in her hands as preciously as if she had been holding Alison. It was the nicest gift she had ever been given.

"I don't know what to say, it's really, _really_ beautiful." Emily said in amazement. "I'm glad you can be honest with me, Ali. It means a lot." Emily said sincerely.

Alison's look turned serious for a second. She gave Emily a look that she couldn't quite place the meaning of. "Just...hold on to it." Ali gestured towards the snow globe. "It's a lot more important than it looks. It might not seem it…but it's…it's just special, okay. And I really want you to be the one to have it. In case…well, just in case." Ali said. There was a hint of mystery to her voice. Emily wasn't quite sure what she meant, but she could tell there was more to the snow globe than met the eye. She just didn't know what it was.

"Ali…I…thank you." She said as sincerely as she could. She could tell that for whatever reason, this meant a lot to Ali. "Of course, I will. I'll look after it." _I'll guard it as preciously as I would my own life. I'll never let anything happen to it. It's sacred. And it's beautiful. Just like you. _She thought.

She reached out with her hand to lightly touch Ali's arm. Ali gripped Emily's arm in return, and squeezed slightly.

The two girls gazed at each other for a long few seconds, before a conflicted look crossed Ali's face. She leaned forward suddenly, and pressed her lips to the side of Emily's cheek softly. She didn't linger there long, but it was just enough time for Emily to freeze. Her breath caught in her throat as she felt her heart flutter. Ali pulled back as suddenly as she had leaned in. When she pulled away, Emily thought she saw her crystal eyes shining slightly, as if she was about to cry.

Before Emily could speak, Ali cut her off. "I have to go, I have to sort a few things out." She said quickly, stepping back.

Emily didn't want her to leave so quickly. She still had a _lot_ of things to say to Ali. "I'll definitely see you…tomorrow, right?" She asked tentatively. _I still need to talk to her. I have so much I need to say. _

"Yeah…" Ali said. "Don't miss me too much." She said with a wink, and a kittenish smirk.

It was the first time in a long time that Emily had seen that particular look, and she was surprised at how much she had missed it. She couldn't help the smile that crept over her face as Ali turned and walked towards her door.

Had Emily realised that this would be the last time she would see Alison…she would never have let her go.

**ALISON DILAURENTIS – 7.30pm **

_I always loved a secret. I used to treasure them, like little pieces of gold dust. No matter how small they might seem…they were always valuable to me. Some secrets always seemed SO important at the time. When I first discovered something nobody wanted any one to know…it was like being given a little gift of insight. I could __use__ that information, you see. I could use it for many, many things. Everything just seemed __so__ important. Like...knowing who Beatrice Collins was kissing behind the bike sheds after school used to be the be all and end all of my life. Mainly so I could use it against her. And Prudence and her boob job. Who really cares? That wasn't a secret. That was __nothing, __a useless piece of information that was absolutely no use to anybody. Why did I ever care so much? Why did these banal little snippets of people's lives ever matter to me? Why, oh __why __did I think these stupid, idiotic pieces of people's existence were secrets? _

_The thing is…once you discover something __real__…something horrible, and twisted, and God, something so hurtful that it could destroy everyone and everything you held dear… then how can you keep something that big? How can you hold it, and not say anything? Some secrets are too large to be kept. Some weigh you down, with the force of a thousand tonnes bearing down on your heart. And you think…you think for once in your life you'd __learn.__ You'd think when it was something that big that you'd just…shut up, and keep it. You'd think you'd learn what was good for you. I always loved a secret, but I was good at __using__ them…usually against people. The day I found something __real__, something so substantially important that it could change everything…I quickly found I wasn't as good at keeping secrets as I was at finding them. And wow…for once in my life, I wished I wasn't good at finding them. Some secrets are meant to never be found. It's a lesson I wished I learned sooner._

Alison finished writing her diary entry. The pages, worn with the pressing of her palms from hurried writing, were still only half full. The book was a dark blue, and held all the deepest of her secrets. Some were hidden with an invisibility only _she_ knew existed, and others were not. The pages written in the dark blue pen were littered with drawings of flowers, and glittered hearts, and all the large lettering one would expect to find inside a teenagers diary. The other pages…the ones which held the truth, looked as though they were empty, but held a hidden ocean of emotion underneath the empty lines.

If she had known that it would be the last time she would ever write something in this particular little blue book of secrets…then Alison would have perhaps found something better to say. Something to sum up her life, maybe. Perhaps a fancy drawing, or a final memoir. But it would have been a lie. It was all lies, really…and she knew that. She didn't know it would be the last time though, and so, she left the diary on her bookshelf, and walked out of her room for the very last time.

She moved to the stairs, and took a deep breath. She paused at the top of the stairway as she considered the conversation she was about to have. She didn't know what had given her the courage to do it. Maybe…it was finally getting to see for herself just how strong she really was. She hadn't realised the strength she had inside her heart until she had been forced to use it. The funny thing was, it was Emily who was the cause of that power, not herself. It was only seeing _her_ in trouble that had finally pulled out of Alison the strength

to finally stand up for herself.

Watching Ben attack Emily had been torture for her. She knew _exactly _how emily felt, but she could never tell her that. She knew what it was like to feel helpless, and scared. She knew what rough hands could feel like, and the strength of a man…and how utterly powerless you could feel. She knew that sorrow all too well.

She had walked into the locker room with the intention of _finally _apologising to Emily about her behaviour over the last few days. She knew she had been wrong, and snappy, and downright rude when Emily had come to her door.

She didn't know if she _could_ tell her about what she had found inside that drawer in her house, but she knew she had to try. She had spent the entire previous day at home, crying. She had read the document over and over, hoping for its contents not to be true. When Emily had appeared at her doorway, asking about the letter, she just _couldn't _bring herself to open up and tell her. She was too shocked, and hurt, and utterly distraught. She had pushed her away, but as the day rolled into the next, the isolation she felt having that big of a secret to bear had begun to overwhelm her. So, she went to find Emily after school. For what, she didn't know. She just knew she needed just needed to talk…to see her, to _feel _like she had someone there for her.

She had first heard the faint echo of desperate shouts as she rounded the corner to the changing area, and had searched for the cause. What she found, shocked her. She could see Ben looming over her, trapping her against the locker wall in a situation that was just all too familiar to her. And that was when everything changed. For once in her life, she didn't feel fear, or insignificance, under the hands of another. She felt _angry,_ and fierce, and _strong._ That was when she was no longer the helpless, crying girl who cowered under her fathers stern gaze. That was when she knew she had to fight. Seeing Emily like that, made her realise for the first time that she _could_ stand up for herself. She wouldn't let _anyone_ hurt Emily, ever. And for the first time she felt that she _could _stop something awful from happening. She might not have managed to keep herself from harm, yet, but there was no _way_ she was letting someone hurt the beautiful soul in front of her. Emily was precious, and special, and _nobody _was going to touch her.

And so, Ali ran straight to the gym room, and with every intention of murdering Ben, she picked up the first hockey stick she could see. She bolted back to the changing rooms, and just as she was about to witness yet another man in this life taking power from a woman, she brought the stick down on his back, _hard. _She didn't care about the consequences, or the force of the blow, or the fact that he had smacked his face, hard. She didn't care if he was dead, even. She just wanted him _off _of Emily. He had responded aggressively, of course. But Ali found that the more she held her ground, the more in control she became. Because Ben _did_ back off. He did. It was against everything Ali had previously witnessed when it came to dangerous situations with men, but for the first time, she realised that standing up for yourself…_can _work.

She found that her hands didn't shake as she held the stick over her head. Her body was calm, and still. She found the usual terror she felt all the times her father had pinned her against the wall, or hit her, or slapped her, was gone. All there was...was Ben. A silly little boy. And she had a hockey stick. _She _had the upper hand. And she was using it. She was taking back the thing which had been taken away from her by her father _so _many years before…her power. She felt the adrenaline surge inside her body as she realised for the first time that she would _win. _She watched him storm out of the locker room and she knew she was forever changed in that moment. She wouldn't let her father bully her any more.

So, standing at the top of the hallway, Ali tried to remember that surge of adrenaline, and that feeling of power, as she slowly descended the stairs and began a conversation that would change everything, forever.

She had thought about having a calm conversation. She had even tried to plan out exactly what she would say. But it didn't work out like that. She sat at the dinner table and watched her father pour out his third glass of whiskey of the night. Her mother sat to the left of him, trying to ignore his slurring, and tried to make small talk. He answered, of course, but it was tainted with his usual underlining aggression. Her mother just smiled back at his multiple insults, and continued to maintain the illusion that this was all _normal. _Ali looked around the table, and realised that she'd had enough. She'd had enough of pretending everything was _fine. _Her mother might be able to do it, but she couldn't, any more. She clutched lightly at the heart necklace her father had given her. It hung around her neck, it's weight only adding to the pressure inside her chest, and she wished she could rip it off. She wanted it nowhere near her. _No matter what I say, no matter how I say it, this won't be a calm conversation. _Ali thought sadly.

Ali's mother seemed to finally notice something was wrong with her daughter. Ali was surprised because usually, no matter how upset she looked, no matter how many bruises were covering her body, her mother acted oblivious. Ali found it ironic that she picked the wrong night to finally ask Alison if she was okay.

"Alison, you're not eating. What's wrong?" Her mother asked. "Are you okay?" She added, setting her fork down to stare at her daughter. Ali knew she wasn't asking out of kindness. Her mother just didn't want her to waste a perfectly good dinner.

"No, actually. I'm not." Ali answered coldly. _Here we go. _

"What do you mean you're not?" Her mother asked in an irritated tone. She acted as though Ali was about to come out with something entirely inconvenient to the nice dinner she was so desperately trying to have.

That was when Ali blurted it out. She knew it wasn't tactful, and she knew it wasn't going to end well, but she just couldn't keep it in any more.

"I know that Jason isn't your son, dad." She said as evenly as she could. She tried not to let her voice shake as she said the words.

A steely silence filled the room as both her parents stared at her. Her mother set her knife and fork down on the table slowly. Her father held his glass in his hand, and glared. Ali wouldn't look him in the eye.

After a long pause, her mother laughed with absolutely no sincerity. "Alison, don't be ridiculous…where did y—"

"Shut up." Her dad interrupted in a gruff voice. Her mother did as she was told.

Ali swallowed nervously. For the first time since she had said the words, she was beginning to think she should have kept her mouth shut.

"What are you talking about?" Her father ordered. Ali said nothing, she was suddenly very unsure how to continue.

"ANSWER ME!" He shouted, and banged on the table with his fist, sending the delicate glasses next to his plate toppling over. Ali jumped slightly as she felt the whole table rattle.

"I said…I know Jason isn't your son. I _know_. Okay." She turned to look her dad in the eye. "I know you've been lying to him. You've been lying to both of us." She glanced at her mother, who said nothing, and looked down at her plate. "Both of you." Ali added. Her mother still didn't look up.

Her mother sighed. She looked at her daughters determined expression, and knew she was defeated. Her secret had been discovered. "I knew this would come out, eventually. I told you, Ken." Jessica Dilaurentis said quietly.

"I said SHUT UP!" Kenneth barked. Her mother did as she was told, but Ali wasn't going to be contained so easily.

"No. Dad. Let her speak. I want to hear this. I want to hear _why_ you've been lying to us, all these years. Who is Jason's real father? If it's not you, then who is it?" She said bravely.

"Where is this coming from?" Her father suddenly looked menacingly curious. "_Why _are you asking about this? How do you know about this, Alison?" He demanded. He knocked the glass of whiskey down his throat, and picked up the bottle, pouring himself another glass as he waited for her answer.

This was the part that Ali was dreading. She knew she would have to tell him she had found the file, and she knew exactly what his reaction would be.

Ali tried to get out of it by lying. "It doesn't matter how I know. I just do." She was beginning to get annoyed. _Fuck! Why is this house so fucking screwed up! They've been lying to us for years about this, and we deserve to be told the truth! _She thought angrily. _Jason isn't even here! He's not even here to ask these questions himself. Does he know? Have they even fucking told him? The whole time he thinks this monster is his father. That's why he's always out of the house, doing drugs. This house isn't a home, it's a prison. _

Ali's anger spilled out into her voice, and she couldn't contain it any more. "Have you even told him? Does he even know? How could you keep this from us! How could you lie, and LIE every single day of our lives and not tell us?"

Her father stood up, suddenly, knocking his chair back. "Who the FUCK do you think you're talking to?" He shouted.

Ali stood up just as quickly out of her own chair. She rested bother her hands on the table and stared him straight in the eye. "I'm talking…to a bully. I'm talking to a _coward._ You can intimidate me all you like, but it won't hide the _truth. _I've seen the truth, dad. I've seen what _both_ of you have tried to hide. I _know_, okay. I KNOW. I saw it, written down, in HUGE bold letters! I know that Jason isn't your son." She said forcefully. It was a bravery she had never shown before within the walls of her house.

Ali found that once she started, she just couldn't stop. She turned to look at her mother, who was still looking down at the table. "I know…I know that he's Spencer's brother, too." She continued. "You had an affair with her dad, right? Jason is Mr Hastings' son?"

Ali watched her mother nod in agreement, ever so slightly. It was one thing reading it all in the file, but it was another to see her mother admit it. Ali fought back tears as she realised it was all _true. _A small part of her was hoping that they'd both deny it…that they'd both have a _reason_ for that kind of file being in the drawer. She hadn't understood a lot of it, it was mainly to do with money. Some kind of confidentiality agreement, signed by the two families. Ali had always known that there was some tension between her household and the house next door, but she had never known what it was until she had discovered the secret, hidden away where her parents hoped nobody would ever discover it. She didn't blame her mother for cheating on her father, she could completely see why she would. It was the lying that had done it. It was the secrecy, and the hurt of never being told the truth about her own family. She shared a brother with Spencer…one of her closest friends. And Jason, did he even know? She doubted that he did.

Her fathers face had turned an angry red. He looked absolutely furious. Ali still held her ground, though. She refused to be intimidated.

"When you say…you saw it written down…what EXACTLY did you mean?" Her father said with quiet fury. He set his glass down on the table, and Ali _knew_ that he knew exactly where she had found out the information.

Kenneth glared at her, and Ali was suddenly unsure if she could speak the truth. She wanted to be strong, and every part of her tried to remember how she had stood up to Ben in the locker room. The thing was…without Emily, without _anyone_ there to help her, it was a lot harder than it looked.

"I…I read the file." She admitted meekly.

"You did _what?" _Her father seethed. Ali stepped back from the table nervously. She saw her mothers eyes close. _That's it, don't look. Just pretend it isn't going to happen, like you always do._ _Fuck. This was a bad idea. This was a really, really bad idea. He's furious. _

Kenneth stalked around the side of the table, getting closer and closer to Ali with every step. She kept her eyes trained on him, and tried to keep her head up. She shook a little as he loomed over her, but she maintained her defiant stance as strongly as she could.

He grabbed hold of her arms in his rough hands, and she tried not to flinch as he tightened his fingers in a vice like grip across the top of her arms. "Alison. I'm going to ask you this _once_. And once only. Did you…or did you NOT...go snooping through my _fucking _desk?" He breathed through clenched teeth. Ali could smell the whiskey on his breath, and she saw his eyes cloud over in a furious rage. She swallowed nervously.

"You better answer me, right now. Or I swear, you won't have any fucking teeth left to smile at me with in the morning." He growled.

Ali tried to answer, but she found that she couldn't speak. "I…I…" She stammered. She was disappointed with herself for not being able to stand her ground. She was disappointed that he terrified her so much that she just couldn't do it. She couldn't be the strong person she had tried _so _hard to be.

Suddenly, she _envied _Jason. He shared no DNA with this monster in front of her. He would never again have to refer to him as his father. She would. She would have to carry a part of him with her for her entire life. He was responsible for every nasty part of her personality. His control, and his dominance, had spilled over into her personality over the years, tainting her, making her _cold, _and brutal, and harsh. He was everything she hated, and everything she hated about _herself. _

She willed herself to talk, and it took every ounce of energy she had left.

"I hate you." She whispered calmly.

That was all it took for her father to lose control for the final time. He shoved her backwards so hard that her body broke the chair as she tumbled over it, landing hard on the floor. She shouted out in pain as the pieces splintered under her body, scratching and biting into her skin. The room spun for a moment as she tried to regain her focus.

Before she could attempt to stand up, she felt strong arms grip the back of her yellow shirt, hauling her roughly to her feet.

"GET UP!" She heard her father shout. She felt his hands grip her arm and violently spin her back to face him.

She looked over to her mother, who sat with her eyes closed on the chair, pretending she wasn't watching what was unfolding right in front of her. Ali thought she might hate her mother more than she did her father, in that moment.

"You stupid, selfish _bitch._" Kenneth growled. He shook her hard as he spoke, and Ali felt her shirt tear under the pressure of his fingers. She willed herself not to cry, but the pain, and the fright, took over. She just couldn't stop herself. She was _terrified. _

"YOU HATE ME?" He screamed. "Well I fucking hate YOU! You know what you are? You useless little bitch! You're a _mistake!_ You're a stupid, insignificant little mistake. You are the ONLY reason I am still in this house." He snarled. Ali cried out as he shook her again.

His hands went to the back of her head and he gripped her by the hair, _hard._ Ali screamed with the pain, and her eyes were so full of tears that she could barely see. "You think I didn't want to _leave? _You think that after I found out what that _whore_ did with that stuck up fuck next door, that I didn't want to GO?" He yelled, glancing over at Alison's mother as he spoke. Jessica Dilaurentis glanced up at the words, but turned her face back down to her lap under his glare.

He turned back to Ali and yanked her head back, looming over her as he shouted through gritted teeth. "You're what trapped me in this house. YOU. You are the ONLY reason I stayed. You, and that _bitch_ sitting over there. You trapped me here! You being born, was the biggest mistake of my entire life." He spat, swaying on his feet and pulling Ali with him as his hands gripped her tighter.

Ali's eyes poured with tears and her body trembled as she took in his words. "I wish you'd never been born. You know what it's like, to nearly get away? Jason was a FUCKING MIRACLE. The fact that he wasn't mine, was the best thing that ever happened to me. I NEARLY GOT AWAY! By the time I found out about him, it was already too late. Because of YOU. YOU FUCKING CAME ALONG, AND YOU RUINED MY LIFE. And I had to stay." He growled. "You know what it would have done to my reputation…to my _business _in this town, if people knew I'd abandoned my own child. You fucking forced me to stay in this house. YOU RUINED MY LIFE you stupid little BITCH!" He roared.

That was the moment that he finally snapped. Ali knew he would, eventually, and so did her mother... but knowing it, did nothing to stop it from finally happening. It was as inevitable as the sun rising each morning. One day, he would snap, and it had _always_ just been a case of _when._

Alison had only one second to register what was going to happen. She looked at the rage behind her fathers eyes, and closed her own in defeat. _Goodbye, Em._

He picked up the glass on top of the table, he raised his hand in a fitful rage, and he smacked Ali so hard in the back of the head with it that the glass shattered as it impacted her skull. She didn't even have time to register the pain before she fell, lifeless, to the ground.

**Authors Note: well, I think we could all see that coming, right? I know it's hard to take, but Ali being buried alive by her mother in the show is just as equally horrible so in order to replace the A storyline I HAD to have Kenneth be this way. It just seemed to be the nearest thing that would make sense to Alison's character. I also think Ken on the show is a sketchy dude anyway! Did anyone see him in the last episode 6x04 with the glass of whiskey in his hand? I was like, ha! It fit quite ironically well with this fic version of him! By the way...did any one think there might be something more to that snow globe? Hmm...Like I said, I will try to post the disappearance quite quickly. I've finished part 2 nearly, and there is a lot of stuff to come. And I mean a LOT. The 5x05 scene is still planned, as is the morning after scene which the show took away from us! Still waiting for them to talk about it Marlene! Any day soon would be good! Lol! But anyway…emily is going to go through quite the process next, and she might not be as alone with it all as she thinks! Hmmm! Anyway, I'm DYING to know what you guys thought and what you would like to see, or think, will happen next. You do help me write the story. I sometimes change things just based on what you say so please let me know! I'm terrified y'all are going to hate this, especially the dark parts of the story! Thanks to Shannon on Twitter for your advice too, you rock! Thank you endlessly to everyone who takes the time to leave a review. It means more to me than I can ever explain that you would care enough to do so! I love you all! My Twitter is hauntedtwilight **


	22. Stages Of Grief - Part 1

**Authors Note: you guys! You are so awesome you saved me from worrying myself to death over that last chapter! I was so apprehensive about writing Alison's disappearance because I know it's going to be complicated, and I want you guys to enjoy it so I really wanted it to be right. I know it's off canon, (as will be a lot of things coming up) but I'm hoping you like these next few chapters anyway. Thank you dearly for your comments. They honestly gave me the confidence to get through writing this next part of the story. This chapter is a two parter and is Emily's POV of Ali's disappearance. For those asking about Maya, yes she will be making an appearance! And so will Cece for those who missed her! Well done to the person who translated the inscription on the side of the snow globe hehe you're awesome! You're one step ahead of the rest! ;) I know someone also asked about Emily's confidence and rather than use A, I wanted her to grow from her experiences. So she kinda grows herself up if that makes sense. I wanted her to be able to go through all this and have her change as a person based on the things she learns about herself, and Ali! Oh and also for those asking, Ali isn't gay, she's more…Emilysexual in my version of events. She's a very complicated character though! Thank you SO much for your reviews, your questions, and your kindness. You mean the world to me! Here is stages of grief, part 1! **

_"I'm coming up only to hold you under_  
_And coming up only to show you're wrong_  
_And to know you is hard; we wonder..._  
_To know you all wrong; we warn."_

_ \- Band Of Horses, The Funeral_

**\- DENIAL AND ISOLATION**

**One month after Alison's disappearance.**

"Emily. Listen to me. You have _got_ to STOP. You need to stop doing this. She is _not_ coming back." Spencer Hastings said sternly to her friend.

"YES she is, Spencer. She IS coming back. She wouldn't just _disappear. _People don't just DISAPPEAR! She exists somewhere on this planet. People don't just disappear into thin air!" Emily shouted.

"Emily. It's been four weeks. You _need_ to start accepting it. I'm sorry, I know it's hard, it's been hard on all of us, but you can't _keep_ doing this, it's not healthy!" Spencer yelled, as she gestured around the room to the mess on Emily's bedroom floor.

Littered across Emily's usually tidy bedroom, in messy piles and stacks of papers, were little red crosses, pieces of string, a map, and numerous pictures of Alison's face. Emily sat hovered over a large piece of paper with the words "favourite locations" written on it.

"I'll do exactly what I want to do! I don't need your permission!" She didn't even look up at Spencer while she shouted back, she just continued to draw lines on her map.

Spencer realised she was getting nowhere, and knelt down beside Emily with a sigh. "Emily, look at me. Stop." She instructed.

Emily continued to fiddle with the map. Spencer watched as she wrote the words: _barn, lake, , woods. _In large bold letters in a list beside various different colour coded stars. She underlined each one with precision. Spencer frowned.

"Em. Please. Just stop for a second and listen." She pleaded.

Emily sighed in frustration. _Fine. Just make it quick. I have to finish this._

"What? What is it Spence? This is important. I need to finish this." Emily said with an impatient glare in Spencer's direction.

"Emily…it's been a month, okay. You can't keep looking for her. She's gone. If you don't start accepting it…" She trailed off. "Then this is is going to consume you." She gestured towards the mess at her feet. "It's becoming an obsession, Em. And you need to start coming to terms with the fact that…and I'm sorry…but I think she might be dead, Emily." Spencer said kindly.

Emily was furious. "I will _never _stop looking for her, Spencer. EVER!" She shouted harshly. "If you think that Ali is dead…then you're an _idiot. _You're supposed to be the smart one! She _always_ goes off by herself! She's probably just shacked up with some…_guy_ somewhere." Emily reasoned. _She'll come back. They'll see. They'll all see._

Spencer stood back up. "It's been a _month. _Okay. She's not been to school, her parents haven't heard from her…_nobody _has heard from her. She's not used her credit card, or her passport, or her phone. Emily. Face the facts. _Please._ I don't want to upset you, but you _have_ to start accepting it."

"Accept _what?" _Emily seethed. "That she's dead? She is NOT DEAD." Her voice shook with the force of her words. She believed it with all her heart.

_She will come back. She will. She always does. She promised me, she said she would always be here…._

Spencer looked at her friend, before finally deciding to give up. If this was what Emily needed to do, then she would just have to let her do it. Spencer didn't see how it was helping her in any way, but she wasn't surprised that this had been Emily's reaction. The girl had always been closer to Ali than the rest of them, and it was always going to be her that was the last to give up.

Spencer had been the first to come to the conclusion that Ali was dead. It had happened as soon as she had realised that Ali hadn't used her credit card. She knew that if Ali was alive, and shacked up somewhere with a guy she'd met, then she would have to make sure she looked her best at all times. That was just Alison's way. She _always_ had to have new clothes, especially in front of boys. The fact that she hadn't touched her money, was the deciding factor for Spencer. Something awful had happened to their friend. One by one, her and her friends had begun to accept it, but Emily…Emily refused, still.

"Okay." Spencer said calmly. "All right. If this is what you need to do…then do it. Just _promise_ me you won't go off by yourself in the woods again. Ali isn't the only girl that's disappeared recently." Spencer said. She was referring to the girl who had disappeared walking home a few months before. She deeply hoped that the two events were not connected, but the realist in her, thought it was slightly too much of a coincidence. Two missing girls in one small area. Spencer wouldn't be walking _anywhere_ alone.

"This is what I need to do, Spencer. I need to find her. I _will _find her." Emily said defiantly.

In the first two weeks of her disappearance, Emily had hardly been inside her house at all. She had looked _everywhere_ for Ali, and more than once, Spencer and Hanna had almost received black eyes from where they had to drag Emily back into the house once it got dark. Even when they _had_ managed to force her to rest, she had snuck out of the house in the middle of the night to continue her search.

"I…I hope you do." Spencer said kindly. She knew there was no use arguing. This was already the thousandth time her and her friends had had this fight with Emily.

She stepped over Emily's pile of maps, and made her way towards the door. She turned to look at her friend one more time. "You know…Ali would be impressed with this. It's more than her parents are doing. Honestly, I feel like sometimes they want to just move on and forget about it. They looked for the first couple of weeks but it just seems like they've given up. She would be proud of you. You're a good friend, Emily. The best." Spencer said sincerely.

Emily finally looked up. She was moved by Spencer's kindness. "Thank you. Look, I know I'm being…obsessive. I know that. But I need to do this. I need to find her. I can't leave it without knowing I've done all I possibly can. She's alive…I know it. I will find her Spencer. I will."

Spencer smiled sweetly.

"Spence…" Emily asked as Spencer was about to leave the room.

"Mm?" Her friend answered.

"My mom sent you…didn't she?" Emily asked quietly. She had suspected, but she wasn't dead sure. Her mother had been hovering around her room all day, trying to coax her out. But Emily wouldn't listen. She supposed that Spencer was her moms last hope to get her to stop.

Spencer nodded. "She's just worried, Em. We all are."

"Don't be. I'm fine." Emily said quickly. She looked back down at her project, and began to place string across the different locations. She didn't look back up at Spencer as she heard her finally leave her room.

Emily let out a deep breath. She was close to tears, but she didn't allow them to fall. She hadn't cried once since Ali had vanished. She wouldn't let herself break down. She had to be strong, if she was going to have any chance of finding her.

_And I will find her. _Emily thought. _She's alive. She's got to be alive. I will find her._

**ANGER**

**Three months after Alison's disappearance.**

The memorial service was sweet, and heartfelt, and full of all the wonderful parts of Alison's life that she treasured. Her favourite childhood teddy was placed at the head of her empty casket, and little candles, and heart warming poems were dotted around the church in a shrine to her memory. The only thing missing, was Alison herself. There was no body, there were no answers, and the worst part of all for Emily…there was no _reality. _

Emily stared at the casket for all of five seconds, before turning, and walking straight out of the church. Her friends knew better than to follow her. They had tried desperately over the last few weeks to get her to open up. She had fought them off at every turn. She knew that there was nothing they could do, or say, that would make her feel better. The worst part was, she couldn't tell them _why_ she was so upset. She couldn't tell them just how much love she had for Ali. She wanted to sometimes. But she couldn't.

Emily had relentlessly looked for Alison. She had looked in every place she could possibly think of, and still, there was nothing. Her mother had only put a stop to it once she found her bank statements. Emily had taken a vast amount of money off of the family credit card in an attempt to hire a private investigator. That was when her mother snapped. She had removed the maps, and the lists, and the pictures from Emily's room, and thrown them in the trash. Emily had protested, of course. She had tried to get them back, but after threatening her with therapy if she didn't stop, Emily finally relented. She hadn't _wanted_ to stop, but after three months of searching, she still hadn't found her. And she had run out of places to check.

Instead of being depressed, or accepting it, as her friends thought she would, Emily had turned to something else. Anger. She was angry at the situation…but she was also angry at herself. There was still a huge part of her that still believed that Alison was alive, but doubt had eventually begun to creep in. As she stormed away from the church, her mind fumed with emotion.

_How can they have a memorial without a body? SHE'S NOT THERE! If they spent half as much time looking for her as they did crying over her then she might actually be found! She's not dead! Why is everyone so fucking stupid! Ali, how could you do this to me. You promised me you'd never leave me. I won't leave you. I won't. I won't stop looking. _

Emily banged the front door shut so hard on her way into her house, that she was afraid she might have broken the glass. She stamped up the stairs and stood in her bedroom, looking around hopelessly.

_She will come back. Just because they've had a memorial, and given up, doesn't mean I will. How could she leave me? She promised. If she's run away…and left me…no. She hasn't. She wouldn't. But she did. She did leave. She's gone. If she's not here…then where is she? SHE HAS TO COME BACK! I can't do this alone. What if she really is dead? No. She's not. FUCK._

Emily's head swam. She couldn't get her thoughts into any sort of order. She was finding this to be more and more of a common occurrence. She _hated_ that it was happening, but she could _feel _the doubt starting to creep in. She had been so sure that Ali was alive…but slowly, her mind was beginning to question it. She tried to fight it with all her power, but she couldn't keep her thoughts on any linear path. She was afraid of what would happen should she finally let her brain take over her heart.

At the moment, her heart spoke for her. It felt all the history, and the words, and the kisses that they shared, and it drove her forward through the days, helping her keep positive, and helping her _believe_ that this situation, this _terrible_ situation, just wasn't real. It was helping her to maintain a veil of denial over her mind. Her brain, however, was putting little sparks of doubt into her head. Every now and again, she would catch herself talking about Ali in the past tense.

Emily walked over to her photo board, and let her fingers reach up to linger over Alison's face. She paused over the blondes image and trailed her finger along her girlish smirk. It was a look she missed so dearly. She trailed her fingers over the twinkle in Ali's cerulean eyes. _What secrets are you keeping. Where did you go, Ali. Did you really leave me. Did somebody hurt you? _Emily thought. She felt her heart lurch as she imagined Ali's face, cold and dead, and grey, staring up...her eyes wide open at the bottom of a shallow grave. She pushed it back inside her mind, and closed her fist. She banged it, hard against the photo board in frustration. It felt good. It felt so, so good.

_Why did you leave me. HOW COULD YOU. You can't be dead. _

"YOU CAN'T BE DEAD!" Emily screamed out loud, as the force of the words hit her, hard.

Suddenly, everything hit her at once.

_She's not dead. But she did leave me. She's not here. It's been three months. If she ran away…then she doesn't care. She doesn't care about me. She doesn't care at all. She didn't come back for me. I love you, Ali. You broke your promise…_

"You left me." Her voice shook in an anguished cry of pain.

Emily felt a single tear roll slowly down her cheek. And that was all it took for her to finally break apart. It was the first time she had allowed herself to cry since the disappearance, and as she stared at the crystal blue eyes on the photo in front of her, the dam finally broke. Emily smashed her hand against the photo board again, sending half of the photos of Ali and her friends crashing to the floor. She felt the pain as it travelled through her palm, and up her forearm. It felt good. She gritted her teeth, and hit it again, harder. She hit it over, and over, and over again until her body finally collapsed on the floor in a flood of tears and grief. Everything came pouring out of her at once. It was a devastating anger that she had never felt before. It was raw, and hateful, and all consuming. She cried with wracking sobs, and curled up on the floor, surrounded by the photos of Ali. She screamed out her pain until her throat was hoarse.

Emily had been lying on the floor for the better part of an hour. Every now and again, her body would convulse with pain, but mostly, her crying had quietened to a trickle of tears. She lay on her side, her head resting on her arm as she stared across her room absently with red eyes. She lay on top of the photos, not caring if they were ruined. She was so wrapped up in her anger and despair, that she didn't see, or hear, her friends enter her room.

She saw a pair of legs walk past her face, followed by the sound of figures entering the space in front of her. She couldn't find the effort to raise her head, she was so exhausted. She felt a hand stroke the side of her face, brushing her hair away from where it stuck to her cheeks, which were wet from her tears.

Through her blurry eyes, she saw a flash of blonde hair. Emily bolted upright, wiping the tears away from her eyes. "Ali?" She croaked out.

"No, Em. It's me." Hanna said softly. She sat down in front of Emily with her legs crossed, and the brunette couldn't help the fresh flood of tears which left her eyes as she realised that it wasn't Alison. She cried out again, holding her head in her hands. Hanna gazed at her with a look of deep concern.

She felt an arm move across her shoulder, comforting her.

She tried to stop crying, but she just couldn't. She had opened a floodgate, and all the pain and sorrow, and loneliness of the past three months came rushing out.

"It was only a matter of time..." She heard a voice say with a sympathetic sigh. She realised that it was Spencer who had spoken.

Emily's eyes cleared as she regained her focus. She suddenly realised that it wasn't only Hanna in the room with her, it was everyone else, too. As she looked up, she saw Spencer, and Aria standing at the foot of her bed, watching her carefully. The three friends didn't say much, they just waited patiently, as she calmed down.**n**

Hanna reached out, and grabbed hold of Emily's hand. "Em. Talk to me. Are you okay?" She whispered quietly.

Emily shook her head. She wasn't sure she could speak, let alone explain what was wrong.

_I'm not okay. I haven't been okay since she left. _

"You left the memorial. We were worried. We came as soon as we could." Aria stated from across the room. Her and Spencer sat down on the edge of Emily's bed.

Emily scoffed at the word _memorial._

"That wasn't…that wasn't a memorial. None of those people there _really_ knew her. God, even Jenna Marshall was there. Nobody knows Ali. Not really. You can't have a memorial for someone when you don't know if they're dead or not." Emily finally spoke, in a voice hoarse from crying.

"Em…" Spencer started. Emily knew what she was about to say, and cut her off.

"Don't start. I don't want to hear you say it. She might be dead to you, but she'll never be dead to me." Emily stated firmly, looking Spencer straight in the eye.

She felt Hanna's hand grip hers tightly. "Emily, you're right. We don't know. None of us know. But that isn't going to change the fact that she's gone. She's been gone for a long time, and nobody knows why. So I get it, I get why you can't accept it. But you're going to have to start finding a way to _deal_ with it." Hanna said calmly.

"I _am_ dealing with it." Emily protested.

Spencer made a disbelieving noise of protest. "Emily...no you're _not_. You haven't dealt with it at all. I get that you're upset…I get that you're angry…we _all _are. But you can't just hide it away. You have to talk to us."

"I don't know what you want me to _say, _Spencer!" Emily exploded. She dropped Hanna's hand and stood up. Hanna got to her feet and followed Emily as she strode quickly over to her bed.

"You want me to tell you how much I miss her? I miss her more than words can _EVER _explain! You want me to _cry_ over an empty casket? I can't do that! I can't cry over missing her because there aren't enough tears in my _body_ to rid me of this pain." Emily shook with emotion as she felt herself finally crack.

"I _CAN'T _deal with it. I can't get over it. I can't pretend that it's all going to just go away with a poem, and a candle, and a STUPID fucking prayer! _Nothing_ will make this better. I can't say she's dead." Emily's voice broke, and new tears brimmed in her eyes as she felt herself begin to cry, again.

"Because if I do…if I accept that…then she's really not coming back. I'm the only person that still thinks she's alive. If I let myself believe it's real…if I let her be dead to _me_…then I let her be gone. It means she's _really _gone. And then…I've killed her. I've killed her." Emily cried. She sank to her knees in grief.

Hanna was beside her in a second. "No, Emily. That's _not _true. Nothing you say, or do, will change what's already happened." She soothed. "You can't change anything by having feelings, Em. You've _got _to let yourself grieve. She's not…she's not coming back, Emily." She rubbed the brunettes back.

_I will always be here…Em. _

Emily's heart splintered. "But…she promised me she would always be here." She whispered quietly. "She wouldn't lie to me. Not after…not after everything. She wouldn't lie. She _promised _me..._"_

Aria frowned, and gave a quick look look of confusion in Spencer's direction. Hanna kept her eyes trained on Emily.

"What do you mean, Em?" Hanna said carefully. Emily looked up, and caught her eye. She didn't say anything, but she saw a slight flicker of understanding pass across Hanna's face.

Emily could no longer hold it in. Everything she felt about Ali, just couldn't be contained inside her already fragile body, any more. The secret she had carried for so long, was so close to being discovered. She didn't even care, any more. Without Ali, nothing mattered. For once in her life, she didn't care about being normal. Because _everything _about the situation was _abnormal. _Without Ali, there was no normal left in her life.

Emily looked at each of her friends. _It doesn't matter, any more. It just doesn't matter. Let them think what they will. I don't care._

The brunette closed her eyes. _Here we go… _

"I loved her…as _more_ than a friend." Emily admitted. _There, now you all know. It doesn't matter, any more. Now you know why this is killing me. Now you know why I feel dead inside._

"I just never had the chance to tell her…in the right way." Emily tried so, _so _hard not to cry again. It was the bravest moment of her life, and the relief to finally say the words out loud was palpable inside her body. She felt as if a great weight was lifted from her heart. She took a deep breath, opened her eyes, and waited for the reaction. She expected laughter at any moment.

Surprisingly, she didn't get what she expected.

Hanna nodded as if she understood, and didn't say a word. Aria and Spencer looked slightly taken aback, this was obviously brand new information to them, but Hanna didn't look surprised at all. Aria and Spencer both moved with frowning, confused faces to sit on either side of Hanna, in front of Emily. The blonde reached out and gripped Emily's knee with her hand. "Emily. You can talk to us. Okay. You don't have to be afraid." She reassured.

"So…wait…you mean you…" Spencer started. Emily didn't know where to look. She was embarrassed, and shy. She wanted the ground to open up and swallow her whole. _Just get it all out. You need to._

"I…I was in love with her." To her horror, she realised she had used the past tense. "I mean…I _am_. I am in love with her." Emily stated, her words growing more confident. _I will always be in love with her._

"With _Alison?_" Aria said in surprise. Emily knew she was shocked. It was because Ali was hard to love sometimes. She could be cruel, and harsh, and bitchy. None of them ever saw the other side to her, though. It was a side she so rarely showed any one. But Emily had seen it.

"I know…I know what you must think of me. I know it must be…" Emily trailed off.

"We don't think anything, Em. We're your _friends_. I told you, you can talk to us about anything, and I meant it. _We _meant it. Right, girls?" Hanna said with a stern look towards Aria and Spencer. The two nodded profusely.

"Of course." Spencer said.

"Emily, we aren't here to judge you. We just wanted to know what was going on with you." Aria said. "To be honest…it kinda makes sense, now." She added. Spencer gave her a look of agreement.

"Well…now you know." Emily said quietly.

"Did Ali know? You said you didn't get the chance to tell her…did she know about this?" Hanna asked.

"I think so. Yes. Yes, she did know. But it was never right. It just wasn't..." Emily took a deep breath, and struggled with her words. _It just wasn't meant to be…_

"Em, calm down. It's okay. Just…take a deep breath." Aria instructed. "Just let it out."

Emily took in a shaky breath, and continued. "I wrote her a letter. There were…there were horrible things in that letter and…I didn't mean them." _Yes you did. _"Well…I did." She continued. "But I shouldn't have worded it the way I did. I was angry…I should never have written it. I should have told her to her face. I should have told her how I felt." She started to get worked up again. She was surprised she had any tears left to cry. "Suddenly…she was gone. I never knew if she read it. I never knew if she really, _really_ knew how much I cared about her. And now she's gone. And if she did read it…if she is really…dead…then she'll only ever know what I wrote down…and not how I really felt." _She either thought I hated her when she died…or she never knew how I felt about her. That's why I can't let her go. I need her to be alive. I need another chance to talk to her. She can't be dead. _

"How long? How long have you…felt this way for her?" Aria asked tentatively.

Emily took a deep breath. _I don't think there's been a single second since I first laid eyes on her that I haven't loved her._

"Always." She murmured. "Since…always." She looked down sadly.

Her three friends shared a sympathetic look.

"If Ali were here, Em. She would be proud of you." Spencer stated. "She'd be proud that you finally told someone."

_I'm not so sure about that. _Emily thought.

"Maybe. But she's not here, is she. She's…she's gone." Emily said glumly.

A long silence fell over the four girls, and Emily contemplated everything that had happened. On one hand, it was a relief to have it all out in the open, but on the other, she was still devastated. Admitting to her friends her feelings for Alison, wouldn't bring her _back_. But at the very least, maybe it could at last, allow her to be honest in her grieving. Now that everyone knew how she felt, maybe they would understand her pain a little better.

"So I guess you're gay, right?" Hanna said bluntly, breaking the silence abruptly.

_I guess I am. _Emily thought. Somehow, admitting it to her friends had finally allowed her to admit it to herself. _I am gay. I've always been gay, I think. I like girls, and that's that. Now everybody knows. Maybe it's not so abnormal, after all. If they all accept it, and I accept it, then who can tell me it's wrong? _

"Yeah. I guess I am. I hope that's okay." Emily said timidly.

Hanna have her a disapproving look. "Don't be ridiculous. You're Emily dating guys, or you're Emily dating girls. It's _you _we love. Of _course_ it's okay." She said firmly. Emily finally smiled.

Hanna suddenly reached out, and wrapped both her arms around Emily in a tight embrace. Emily hugged her back, desperately. She was eternally grateful for the way they had responded. It made everything so much easier, now that she had finally got it out in the open. She smiled into Hanna's shoulder.

"This isn't turning you on, right?" Hanna said with a giggle. To her surprise, Emily laughed back in response. She felt free, as if a great burden had been lifted.

Aria and Spencer joined in the hug, and Emily was embraced by all three of her friends. She knew they would sit with her for as long as she needed them to, and for the first time since she had lost Ali, she didn't feel so alone.

**BARGAINING**

**8 months after Alison's disappearance. Saturday night **

"I _swear._ I'm old enough. I just didn't bring my I.D." Emily said in as much of an adult manner as she could muster.

"No I.D. No sale." The shop assistant said in a monotone voice. It sounded as if he was reading from a sheet.

"Please. I'll give you double?" Emily bargained.

"No I.D. No sale." He said again, in the same voice.

Emily reluctantly put the bottle of vodka back on the shelf and stomped towards the door.

"Robot." She muttered to herself on the way out of the store.

She rounded the corner, and walked across the road to where Hanna was waiting for her.

"Well?" The blonde asked expectantly.

"What do you think?" Emily answered. She put on her best impression of the man behind the counter. "_No I.D. No sale." _She drawled. "I told you it wouldn't work!"

"Well it was worth a shot. You look older than me, so if you can't get it then there's no point me trying." Hanna whined.

Emily didn't think it was exactly true. Over the last few months Hanna had lost a _lot_ of weight. She was truly becoming beautiful. Emily didn't think it mattered what a person looked like, of course, but Hanna was starting to become more confident, starting with her appearance. Emily was proud of her.

"Don't be silly. You look amazing. You should go and try. You never know, Mr Robot might prefer blondes." Emily joked.

"Yeah, right. Look…" Hanna said as she pointed towards the doorway of the store. Emily looked over, and saw the shop assistant staring at them from the doorway.

"Great. Busted. No point trying now." Emily said irritably. The two girls walked swiftly down the street, away from the store. The cold air pricked at her face and she hugged her jacket closer to her body.

"God, if Ali were here we'd have had no trouble getting it." Hanna commented casually. "That girl knew _exactly_ what to say to get her way."

Emily turned her head sharply in Hanna's direction."Yeah well she's _not_ here." She snapped.

Hanna stalled. She looked at Emily's irritated expression apologetically. She had realised her mistake as soon as she had said the words. "I'm sorry, Em. I didn't think. Sometimes I just…"she trailed off. "Sometimes I just forget. That's all. It just slipped out."

"It's fine. I'm sorry for snapping." Emily answered.

She was getting better at not reacting to Alison's name, but it was still hard, sometimes. Her friends were beginning to change the way they spoke about her, as people often do the more time that passes after losing a loved one. The sweet words and fond memories that are often brought up in the first few months after you lose someone, were beginning to change into truthful comments. Emily couldn't count the times she had heard someone say: _well she wasn't that nice anyway, _or, _Alison did always like to make a catty comment. _It was becoming more and more frequent for people to remember Alison as she _actually _was, rather than the Saint she was painted to be in the months shortly after she disappeared. No matter what people said about her though, Emily maintained the image of the Alison that _she_ knew, in her head. She wouldn't let anybody taint it.

Emily felt a storm brewing, and lifted her face to the sky. It looked as if it was about to rain. "You wanna try somewhere else?" She asked hopefully.

Hanna shivered, and rubbed her arms. "To be honest, Em…it's kinda cold. I think we should leave it. I think it's going to rain. Besides, I told Sean I would meet him tomorrow. It's probably not a good idea if I show up with a hangover, anyway. You know how he can be."

Emily was frustrated. "Alright, I guess." She sighed. She could see Hanna's point, though. She glanced at the brooding clouds. It was _definitely _going to rain.

**One hour and fifteen minutes later.**

After walking Hanna back to her house, Emily had had every intention of going straight home. It was only the rain clouds in the air, and hearing the faint hint of thunder in the distance as she said goodbye, that changed her mind.

She knew it was a bad idea. She knew it wasn't going to change anything. And she knew it would make her feel a _lot_ worse about everything in the morning, but she decided to take a walk up to the lake.

At first, she found it difficult to find the pathway in the dim evening light, but eventually, after a little rummaging around, she finally found the beautiful little hollow in the trees that lead to Emily's favourite place in the entire world. Emily didn't think it would be possible for the place to be just as beautiful in darkness as it was in the daylight. But it was. The wild flowers that littered the canopy above her head seemed to glow in a violet luminosity that perfectly illuminated the trail ahead. Emily stumbled through the undergrowth, and into the clearing.

She gazed at the simple object in front of her. To others, it would be nothing more than a rock. But to Emily, it was everything. She closed her eyes, and remembered back to that day…so many months before…when her and Ali had shared their first kiss. It had been here, under a shroud of rain, that the most perfect moment of Emily's life was first created.

Emily walked slowly over to the rock, which sat encased in flowers against the backdrop of the beautiful meadow clearing. She leaned down, and traced her fingertips across the large red heart on the side of the stone. She closed her eyes, and remembered the way Ali had looked as she had left their initials on it, where they would stay forever more. Emily opened her eyes, the memory was almost too painfully bittersweet to bear. It was then, that she spied something out of place. Leaning up against the side of the stone, was a small quarter bottle of vodka. Emily didn't know how, or why it was there, but she picked it up in her cold hands and inspected the label. _Amsterdam Vodka. _She wasn't familiar with the brand. She assumed that whomever had left it there had been swimming in the lake, as people so often did on a Saturday, and had come to the rock to do what all lovers do. _They must have left it here. _Emily thought. _Well…sharing is caring. _

She knew she probably shouldn't. _Anything _could be in the bottle…but she opened the lid, and took a large swig of the liquid. She grimaced as she sharp taste hit her tongue. It was safe though. _Only vodka. Good. I need this. _She thought. She took another sip. And another, and another. She waited for a few minutes in anticipation of the rush that would soon follow. It didn't disappoint. Her head swam dizzily as she continued to drink.

It wasn't that she was a big drinker, or that she was prone to drinking alone. It was the events of the day that had driven her to this particular place. She had started her morning at Spencer's. She needed help with her history paper, and had gone there for some assistance involving the Second World War. Emily hadn't had a clue. Spencer had rattled off the names of the various battles so many times that it had given Emily a headache. Usually, she avoided Spencer's house at all costs. It was just too tempting to look at the house next door, and desperately want to go inside.

Alison's house loomed over Spencer's like a ghost on the street. Ali's parents had moved away the month before, and all that was left was the shell of their large house. Emily longed to go inside, and see if anything of Alison still remained there, but she couldn't bring herself to look. She wouldn't even approach the windows. When she had gone outside to clear her head, she noticed something _new_ on the front driveway. A small, shiny, pale blue convertible. It only took Emily another few seconds to realise _why_. As she watched the moving van pull into the street, she instantly felt sick. Someone was moving into Alison's old house. She stormed back inside.

Emily had spent the rest of the day trying to get drunk. She had failed, up until the very moment she had come to the lake. It seemed ironic, somehow, that on this very day, the day when she had seen Ali be removed from her life in yet another way…that she would find the thing she had been looking for all day at the very place her memory was still so _alive. _

_This place is for ghosts. This is where they come to watch lovers kiss. Are you here, Ali? Are you watching me? _Emily thought sadly.

Emily could _feel _her everywhere. If she concentrated hard enough, she felt as though she could almost smell her sweet perfume in the air. It was as if someone had left the bottle there as a little present, just for her. There was just enough left in the bottle to dull the ache inside her heart as she looked around the clearing. She brought it back to her lips, and almost felt as if she could taste Alison's lip gloss, the same way she had when they had kissed. She knew she was drunk, but she didn't care. If vodka was what it took to bring these little pieces of Ali back…even if only in her imagination…then it was worth it.

_Remember this moment. This place exists only for us. And the rain…the rain is ours, too._

Emily raised the bottle towards the thunderous sky as it rumbled low above her head. "Thank you! Ali!" She laughed in a drunken haze. She took a large gulp of the vodka, in memory of the one she loved most in the whole world, and waited for the rain to fall.

As the first drops fell, Emily slid down roughly onto the dirt floor, and laughed. She was so dizzy that she couldn't keep herself upright, any more. She felt the water hit her face as it started to fall more rapidly, and she couldn't help but feel like everything was just _surreal _in that moment.

"You know…" She slurred. "I would have come with you." She said out loud. "I would have, Ali. Wherever you are. I hope you know that." Emily's arm slipped on the rock, and she had to correct her balance quickly before she fell. "I just want you to know…I want you…to know…" She hiccuped again. "That I…_always _loved you." She almost let the bottle slip out of her hand has she raised it again to her lips. "You promised me you'd always be here." Her voice turned sadder. "But you're not."

Emily looked around the clearing as her vision began to blur. The thunder let out a deafening boom, and at the same time, Emily shouted. "YOU LIED TO ME!"

She drank again, and again, until she reached the last drops of the bottle. She threw it roughly to the side, as she watched the entire forest spin around her in a purple merry-go-round. Her stomach lurched, and she hiccuped. She lay back on the ground, and stared up at the thunderclouds as the rain came down hard against her face. She tried to blink, but water clogged her eyes. She found her head was too heavy to move. Despite the falling rain, and the ever worsening storm, she contemplated falling asleep.

She knew it was a bad idea to pass out, drunk, alone in the middle of the woods on a Saturday night, but Emily wasn't exactly in the best state of mind. The vodka had worked quicker than she had anticipated, and after drinking the entire quarter bottle, she was well and truly out of it. She wasn't sure how long she closed her eyes for, or even if she _could_ sleep in the pouring rain…but she found herself drifting into unconsciousness. As her eyes began to close, she thought she could make out a faint shadow…watching from behind the trees. There might have been a hint of blonde hair…but she couldn't make her eyes stay open long enough to check.

When Emily awoke, she was lying on the ground. But not where she had slipped from the Rock. She was lying up against a tree, at the corner of the clearing. Her jacket was pressed tightly around her body, cocooning her inside a blanket of warmth, and the treetops now sheltered her protectively from the falling rain. She glanced upwards in confusion.

_How did I get here? Did I walk here? I thought I was over there…by the rock. My head is killing me. What the hell happened? _

Emily squinted and rubbed her head. She scrambled to her feet and looked around. It was still night time, so she was relieved that she hadn't fallen asleep for too long. Her head was still dizzy from the alcohol, though. She tried to take a step forward, but the rush of standing up too suddenly sent her staggering backwards against the trunk of the tree. She looked up at the sky, and realised that the storm had passed. She was incredibly confused. Through her blurred vision, she tried to focus on the clearing. She needed to find the pathway that led out of the woods. She knew she had to get home before she ended up in real trouble.

It was then, as she squinted through the darkness, that she saw her. It was only a flash, and then it was gone…but Emily was _sure_ she saw Ali, standing far off behind the trees. Her body froze, and she stepped back in shock. Before she had time to react, or shout, or do anything at all, the figure had turned, and vanished.

_Oh my god. She's alive. Am I imagining this. Did I just see what I thought I saw? Is she really here? _

Emily hesitated for a split second, before bolting across the clearing.

"Ali!" She shouted at the top of her voice as she crashed through the undergrowth. "ALI!" She ripped the leaves out of her face as they scratched at her as she ran along the pathway. She thought she could hear footsteps up ahead of her, and tried to find the source of the noise. She came to a breathless stop, and listened.

A small rustle sounded out just around a bend in the path. _There. _She thought, and started after it at full speed.

As she rounded the corner, she crashed straight into a female figure. The force of the impact sent both people toppling to the floor in a tangle of limbs. Emily rolled over and grunted as she tried to lift herself to her feet. She saw blonde hair in front of her face, and felt her heart surge with hope.

"Ali!" She cried.

It wasn't until the other girl stood up, that Emily realised she was wrong. It wasn't Ali…it was Hanna. The brunette frowned in confusion, and disappointment. Her heart sank.

"Hanna?" She questioned. "What are you doing here?" Emily rubbed her elbow as she spoke. She had banged it pretty hard on the floor in the fall.

Hanna brushed herself off. Little pieces of mud and leaves fell from her jacket. She looked irritated. "What am I doing here? Emily, what the hell are _you_ doing out here?" She huffed irritably. "I came out here to find _you!" _She said angrily. She gestured towards the brunette.

"What are you talking about?" Emily said. She had no idea why Hanna would be out in the middle of the woods, looking for her. She had walked the blonde home over two hours ago, at least. Nobody knew she was out here.

"What do you mean, what am I talking about? You text me. You told me you were here, and that you'd had too much to drink. You asked me to come and get you." She said as if it was obvious.

"_What?_" Emily said in surprise. "No I _didn't!" _She protested. _Did I? I was pretty drunk…_

"Check your phone! Jeez, Em…how much did you drink? I can smell the vodka from here. You know, I had a perfect night planned. I was happily watching MTV at home. The _last_ thing I wanted to do was come all the way out here to get you. You know, I had to convince Sean to drive me out here! He's parking his car. You worried the _crap_ out of me! What the fuck are you doing walking around in the woods by yourself?"

Emily had stopped listening, and so she didn't hear the question. She was too busy trying to figure out _how_ she had text Hanna. She was _sure _she hadn't. She pulled her phone out of her pocket to check her sent messages. Sure enough, there it was: _Hanna, I've had too much to drink. I need you to come and get me. I'm in the woods by the lake. Hurry, please._

"Emily...I said _what _are you doing out here?" Hanna asked sternly.

Emily didn't answer. She was too busy trying to piece things together in her head. _I know I didn't send that message. The blonde hair…the figure in the woods. It can't have been Hanna…she was too far down the path. Ali. It was Ali. It has to be. When I woke up…I was in a different place…I know she was there. I know she was. I could smell her perfume. I could taste her lip gloss. She's alive. She is. She's here, somewhere._

Hanna finally noticed Emily's shocked expression. _"_Em, what's wrong?" She asked. "What's happened?"

"She's alive. She's alive Hanna." Emily breathed in awe. _She's here, somewhere. I need to find her!_

"What?" Hanna asked.

"ALI!" Emily shouted at Hanna. She grabbed her arm and squeezed in enthusiasm. "She's _alive_, Hanna! I saw her!"

"What? Emily…we've been through this. Okay. Ali is not…"

"SHE IS! I saw her! I thought I was just drunk! And imagining things! But she's ALIVE, HANNA! She was in the woods! I….I know she is. _Please._ Please believe me." She pleaded.

"Em. You've been drinking…" Hanna trailed off.

"I'm NOT JUST DRUNK!" Emily shouted. "PLEASE, Hanna! We have to go. She could still be out here, somewhere. _Please_, we need to go!" She said excitedly, and pulled away from Hanna. She took off down the path, screaming Ali's name.

"Emily! Wait!" Hanna shouted. "Stop! Em! Emily!" She called after her. Emily didn't care. She just wanted to find Alison.

Hanna caught up to her. She pulled on her arm to get her to turn around. "Will you just WAIT!"

"I can't wait, Hanna! She's out here somewhere…" Emily responded.

"Well at _least _wait for Sean. People still go missing out here…we shouldn't be running around in the dark on our own." Hanna bargained.

_Well...three people looking is better than two. And honestly, I still feel drunk. If I fall over, I doubt Hanna will be strong enough to carry me back to the car._

Emily made a noise of irritation. "_Fine." _She said reluctantly. They started walking back down the pathway. Emily's eyes searched the dim undergrowth for any sign of blonde hair.

A few minutes later, they heard the sound of footsteps ahead.

"Hanna?" A mans voice boomed.

Hanna turned to Emily. "It's Sean." She explained. "Yeah, I'm here!" She yelled back into the darkness.

"I checked by the lake…but she wasn't there. Did you find her?" He shouted back. Emily could just make out his white shirt as he appeared a short way ahead of them on the trail.

"It's alright. I've got her. She's okay." Hanna answered.

All of a sudden, Hanna's phone rang. She stopped walking to answer it. Emily was impatient. The last thing she wanted to do was waste more time standing around chatting while they could be looking for Ali. She huffed, and crossed her arms.

"Hello?" Hanna answered, and walked off ahead, towards Sean. Emily let her go, and stayed exactly where she was on the pathway. She didn't want to move one inch further away from the clearing. She looked around her in irritation. _Where are you, Ali? Just hold on…I'm coming. I'll find you. _

She glanced ahead on the pathway, and wondered what was taking Hanna so long to come back. She could see her outline standing next to Sean, on the phone. She was relieved when she finally saw Hanna hang up. _Good. Let's go. _She thought.

She gave another irritated sigh as she saw Hanna hug Sean tightly. _I so do not have time for this. _She thought.

"Hanna! Come _on! _What the hell are you doing? We need to GO!" She yelled. She was just considering walking away by herself, when she noticed that something wasn't right.

Hanna walked slowly towards her on the pathway, as if in a daze. She clung to Sean tightly. He wrapped his strong arm around her body as he helped her along. At first, it might look as if two lovers were taking a romantic stroll…but the nearer they got, the more concerned Emily became. _He's holding her like that because she's upset. _Emily realised. She took a few steps forward, meeting the two figures in the middle of the path.

"Em…" Hanna spoke softly. "Em, we need to go home." She said again, sadly.

Emily was annoyed. "What? No, we can't leave! Didn't you hear me? We have to find Ali!" Emily said impatiently.

"Emily…that was my mom…" Hanna trailed off.

"Yeah?" Emily answered. She was confused by Hanna's crestfallen expression.

Hanna struggled with her words. "They…they found Ali." Her voice was barely a whisper, and she was obviously in shock.

Emily's heart jolted at the words. She couldn't quite believe what she was hearing. _They found her? She's alive? She's alive! I knew it! I always knew she would come back! She didn't break her promise! She's alive!_

"Oh my god…" Emily exclaimed. She couldn't help the grin that erupted across her face. "I knew it! I knew she was alive!" She said happily. "I always…" She started, but Hanna interrupted her.

Hanna grabbed hold of her arm quickly and looked at her apologetically. "No. Emily. They found Alison's _body." _She said softly.

**Authors Note: ****If any one is interested, the song lyrics that begin this chapter are from the song "the funeral" by band of horses, and I highly recommend listening to it for the scene as Emily leaves the memorial service, and gets angry and cries in her room. I listened to it while writing that scene which is why she went from sad, to angry. The song just seemed to really fit! let me know if you know it! ****okay! So that was part one! Once again, it was taking me ages to finish the chapter and rather than go ages without updating, and give a really long chapter, I prefer to update often with smaller ones. The next couple of chapters are being written right now. There's the second part to this one, which will be the rest of the events from Emily's POV in the other months Ali was gone. The chapter after that will be from Ali's perspective, but you'll have to stay tuned if you want to know what happened to her :) I'm probably the most nervous about posting the events during the disappearance. I've got to try and make it believable, but quick at the same time. I could go on and on writing about what emily was up to while Ali wasn't there, But I'm trying really hard to keep it short and move the timeline along as quickly as possible so that you guys don't get bored! Is everyone okay with the way it's going? I have big things planned for the future. There's the barn scene, some jealous Ali! Some sexy times! And some mystery! So I hope you guys are all still with me even after this disappearance business lol! I'm worried you'll get bored by the next couple of chapters but they are important to the girls character development and there might be some surprises along the way! Did any one think that was Ali at the clearing? Or was emily just drunk? Or did she just see Hanna? I'd love to know what you thought! Also, I had Emily come out to her friends now, because the timing just seemed right at that moment! Thank you so much for how kind you've been in your reviews, I really can't thank you enough! If you'd like to ask anything or if there's anything you'd like to see, or not see, then please let me know! I love hearing from you! I love you all! My Twitter is hauntedtwilight**


	23. Stages Of Grief - Part 2

**Authors Note: wow you guys were seriously so kind about that last chapter! I was so worried and you guys literally gave me the confidence to write the second half! I was so worried that you'd get bored! THANK YOU for your reviews, you have no idea how much I appreciate it! I know it's a long process, but I'm so glad you're enjoying it. I'm really pleased to have finally finished Emily's version of the disappearance. It is the longest chapter yet, but there was just so much to explain, and I honestly could have written a chapter double this long with all the things I wanted to Include, but I wanted to make it as brief as possible. I hope you guys don't mind the flash forwards, but I needed to find a way to condense everything down! This is the second half of Emily's perspective, and I hope you'll see a different side to her the more time goes on. I had to be really careful which bits to include and which bits to leave out, so I hope you understand why I've changed the canon quite a bit. It was just way too difficult! I hope you like the changes though! Next up is alison, but here is emily first! I hope you like it! Xx**

**One year after Alison's disappearance**

**DEPRESSION AND GUILT**

Emily had spent the better part of the last two months feeling extremely depressed. She had locked herself in her room as often as she could, shutting out the noise from the outside world, and had focused only on trying to process what had happened. When she finally got the courage to come out of her bedroom, she found the world had gone and changed on her.

Emily stared glumly at the crumpled up newspaper in front of her. It lined a box full of trash that someone had thrown away by the side of the street. The headline read: **Mystery of missing girl solved. Body found in river. **Emily kicked the box and sent the contents flying into the road.

Alison was dead. It was old news now, and the town had moved on. Emily hated the fact that this horrible event was only fit for lining people's trash bags. She looked at Alison's smiling face on the front of the newspaper, which now lay in the middle of the street, and remembered back to when she had first heard the news...

The night she was told that Alison's body had been found, she wasn't able to bring herself to believe it. She just couldn't contemplate that after all the months of searching…it had come down to _this. _The news had come in the form of a phone call, passed along to her from her friend Hanna.

Emily had rushed home, and run straight into the arms of her concerned mother. Her mom had held her as she cried, and kindly had not mentioned once, the fact that Emily was quite clearly drunk. In a slightly intoxicated daze, Emily had sat down at the kitchen table, and listened to the details of the latest events in the case of Ali's disappearance.

Apparently, due to the large storm which had come that evening, the heavy rainfall had finally broken the banks of the river. It had been stormy weather all week, and the riverbank had finally given up. It had burst all along one side, sending the water cascading over the side of the bank and straight into the field next to it. The river had churned up all it held within its depths…old shopping carts, rusty bikes, and also it's most horrid possession…a decaying body of a young girl. The corpse had been found by a farmer, as he tried to save his crops from the water. News had traveled fast, and everyone had assumed that the grim find was obviously Alison.

Emily had felt utterly distraught when she had first heard the news. She knew that everyone _thought_ it was Ali, but there was still a huge part of her that refused to believe it. She had gone to bed that night praying that it just couldn't be true. She waited anxiously for two days as the police had dragged the river. It was the most agonising wait of her existence. She felt sick to her stomach the entire time.

The news finally came that the body was so badly decomposed that they couldn't positively identify it, and Emily felt suddenly hopeful. She had heard only little pieces of information trickling down through the grapevine of the very close knit town, but it was enough to make her doubt that the body could be Ali. She hoped with all her heart that they wouldn't find cause to finally _prove_ anything. She hoped that if she could just hold on to the fact that there was no _proof_ of it being Ali, that she could keep on pretending that it _wasn't. _

The other horrible thing, was that body was also missing some parts. Emily didn't ask which ones. Apparently, they were an important part of identifying someones DNA. That was all she needed to hear. She didn't want to even think about it. It was all too horrendous. It was the only part of the investigation that Emily hadn't paid much attention to. If she had, she would never rid herself of the horrific images that had crept into her mind when she first heard about it.

Eventually, the police did identify the body, and Emily's worst nightmare became a reality. She knew it had happened as soon as her mother had come to find her in her room. Her mom hadn't said anything, she had just stood by the door and looked sadly at her daughter. Emily didn't need to ask what was wrong, she could tell from her mothers face what she was about to say. Emily stood up, pushed her mom out of her room, and ran to the bathroom to violently throw up. She retched until there was nothing left inside of herself and she closed the door with shaky hands. She shut everyone out for the rest of the night…sat against her bathroom door…and cried.

It turned out that Alison's jewellery had been found in the river, only a few meters from where the body had been discovered. Her silver heart necklace was snapped in two places, but the police had recovered enough of it to see that it had been roughly taken from her neck. They also found a ring, and Alison's phone a few days later. This was apparently enough to prove that the body belonged to Alison. Sadly, it was finally enough for Emily, too. She just couldn't keep denying it any more. She was a hopeful person, but a realist at heart. They might not be able to identify Ali by her remains, but Emily knew that necklace, and that ring, all too well. Alison had been wearing them for a number of days before she disappeared. The fact that her phone was found in the river too, was the final nail in the coffin. Alison was dead. At this final, horrifying revelation inside her mind…this thing which _couldn't _be a reality, but somehow _was, _Emily finally gave up.

She was devastated over losing Ali, but at the same time, she felt a huge mix of other emotions. She felt desperation, over never knowing what had _really_ happened. She felt guilt, too, at not being there to help her when someone, some _vile thing_…had taken her life. But on top of all that…oddly, she felt relief. She felt like she had _finally_ got the answer to a question that had plagued her for the entire last year: _Why did she break her promise? _It was because she hadn't _meant _to.

Emily felt a small peace at the fact that Ali hadn't abandoned her willingly. She hadn't had a choice. This was the only thing that allowed Emily to start moving was this single thought that allowed her to finally venture out into the world again, and start living for herself. Whoever had killed Ali, might have taken her body, but they would never take her soul. Emily would carry that with her for the rest of her life, and keep it safe. She vowed this to herself as she knocked on the door of Alison's old house, after two months of avoiding it.

Emily knocked on the door and waited nervously for a response. She looked around for the blue convertible that she had seen in the driveway two months ago, but it was nowhere to be found. In fact, there were no cars at all in the drive. She assumed that nobody was home, and was about to give up and leave, when a dark skinned girl opened the door. She was pretty, and dressed in a bohemian style.

"Hey…can I help you?" The girl asked sweetly.

Emily was slightly unsure what to say. She didn't want to just blurt out _yes, I've come for Ali's stuff. _But she _did_ want to get inside the house, so she tried a casual approach.

"Hi, my name is Emily. I know this is strange but…I was a friend of someone who used to live here…" She trailed off.

"I'm Maya...St Germain." The girl held out her hand to shake Emily's. Emily was slightly surprised at the sudden gesture, and tentatively shook the girls hand. "And that's not weird. Your friend was Alison Dilaurentis…right? Don't worry, I've had a lot of people knock on the door asking about her." The girl replied.

"Yeah, I bet." Emily said. _She must have media and all sorts coming by constantly. Bet they wish they'd bought a different house._

The girl smiled sweetly at Emily. "Anyway…can I help you with something?" She tilted her head in question.

"Oh! Sorry…yeah! Listen…I know this sounds weird, but…I just wondered…if there was anything left of Ali's? I know it's a strange request…you've probably thrown it all out, already. But I just…" She trailed off.

Maya interrupted with a knowing smile. "You wanted something to remember her by." She finished Emily's sentence for her.

Emily stalled. "Yeah…" _I just want to see if there's anything left. There must be something left. Anything. I'll take anything. _

It wasn't that Emily wanted to make herself feel _worse _by having something of Ali's…it was more that she wanted to finally put it all behind her. She had skipped the memorial service, and the funeral, and was starting to regret her decision. She didn't feel like she could _really_ put Ali to rest inside her mind until she said goodbye properly. The more she lay awake at night thinking about it…the more she wanted to know if there was some part of the blonde that still existed. Alison's parents had left the street so suddenly one day, that they hadn't really had time to take much with them. Emily supposed it was because they didn't want to have any reminders of what happened. Maybe it was too hard, Emily didn't know. All she knew was that she had watched their car pull away with barely any boxes in it. She had heard rumours that a lot of Ali's stuff had been left behind, but she had been too upset to check.

When the new family had moved in, Emily had been too busy isolating herself to come anywhere near the former Dilaurentis house. She just couldn't face seeing another family living there. But as time moved on, she found herself _needing_ to find out if anything of Alison's was still there. She hated the thought that some of Ali's things might end up in a dusty old attic somewhere, and she knew she would have to go back to retrieve them. If they still existed…

"Well I guess you better come in, then." Maya said with a smile. Emily smiled back. _There, that wasn't so hard, she's letting you in. _

But it _was _hard. A lot harder than Emily thought. She stalled in the doorway as Maya held the door open for her. The house smelled different, now. All the things that made it distinctly Alison's house…had been replaced. Emily had anticipated this, and had initially thought it might make it easier to go inside, but experiencing it, was a different story. She took a tentative step across the thresh hold as she noted the change in the furniture…the new pictures on the wall of an unfamiliar family…and a new carpet, rolled up against the wall.

Emily hovered nervously next to the door. _God. This is surreal. _She thought.

Maya seemed to notice her hesitation. "Must be kinda weird for you, huh?" She said kindly.

"You could say that…" Emily admitted.

"Look, if it's too weird…you can wait outside, if you like? I know it must be difficult…" Maya suggested. "There's only one box left. It was in the attic. To be honest, we didn't know what to do with it. We didn't want to just throw it away…it seemed disrespectful. So it's just sitting up there. You can have it. If you want to wait, I can go and get it for you?" She offered.

_Difficult is not the word. _Emily thought. _But you've got to put it behind you. It's time to move on._

"It's okay. It's just a little strange, that's all. And thank you, for understanding. I know it must seem weird…a stranger just showing up at your door like this." Emily answered.

"It's not weird at all. And we're not strangers now." Maya smiled sweetly. "We're friends, okay." She said kindly.

Emily smiled back. Their eyes lingered for a moment as Emily felt an odd rush of warmth towards her new friend. The girl had a certain way about her. She seemed to have an air of confidence about her that Emily was thrown by, and she didn't know why. It didn't help that she was beautiful. Emily couldn't help but notice.

It was the first time since Ali that she had found another girl immediately attractive at first contact. She was stunned by her own brains reaction. _It's probably because it's Ali's house. That's all. It's just because you miss her. She opened the door, and you were expecting to see Ali, so you projected her onto this girl. _Emily reasoned, but she wasn't quite sure.

They stood quietly for a moment before Emily began to get self conscious again. "So…the box?" She started. "Are you sure you don't mind if I take it?"

"No, of course not. To be honest, you have more right to have it than I do." Maya said, moving towards the stairs. "I'll only be a sec…" She called as she ran up the last few steps and disappeared from view.

Emily waited in the hallway for Maya to return. She looked around at the changed house, a house which was _so _different from the last time she had entered it, and took a deep breath.

_It's time to move on. _She thought. She felt the familiar twinge of pain inside her heart, that would always be there, because really, how could it not...but she also felt something else. She felt for the first time that she might actually be able to _deal_ with it. She would get through it. She had to.

Maya returned carrying a large blue box. She held it out to Emily and the brunette took it by the handles, holding it close to her chest. It was fairly heavy.

"You need some help getting that home? It's kinda big?" Maya asked.

"It's okay, I'm a swimmer, I have good arms." Emily joked.

"Yeah…I can see that." Maya responded with a playful tone. Emily wasn't quite sure if she was imagining it or not, but she thought she caught Maya's eyes flicker quickly across her body as she spoke..

_Am I imagining things? Or is she flirting with me? _Emily thought. She felt suddenly very shy, and just the slightest bit guilty. She didn't know where it had come from, but she felt like she _wanted_ Maya to be flirting with her.

Emily laughed nervously. Maya moved to open the door. Emily paused in the doorway.

"So you live around here? I'm kind new…obviously" Maya laughed. "I still kinda feel like everyone notices me when I go out. I guess moving into this house draws a certain kind of…attention. I haven't really met many new people yet." She said.

Emily felt sorry for her. It couldn't be easy moving into a house which was formerly the focus of a missing persons investigation. She knew all too well the kind of attention Maya meant. It was as if anyone or anything associated with Alison was under the constant gaze of inquisitive eyes. Everyone wanted a piece of the gossip, no matter how vague. Emily couldn't count the amount of times she had been walking down the street and heard the odd passer by whisper, or make a comment. It was always something along the lines of _she knew the dead girl… _Or _poor thing, that's Alison's friend. _Emily was tired of it.

"Yeah, I do. I don't live far from here. Don't worry about being new. And don't worry about what people say, either. This town will move on eventually, they always do. There'll be something else happening for them to stare at soon." Emily said with distain.

Maya nodded. "Yeah, well if you ever get tired of being the center of attention, you know where to find me. I'll be hiding in my house until it all blows over. You're always welcome here." Maya said.

Emily was touched by the girls concern. She had a friendly way about her, and Emily felt quite at ease in her company. "Thanks, I will. I appreciate it." She answered. And she meant it.

"No problem, sweetie." Maya flashed her a flirtatious look. This time, Emily was sure it wasn't just her imagination. To her surprise, she quite liked it.

"I'm sorry it's just the one box…there wasn't much left. A lot of it was thrown away when…" Maya trailed off.

_When your parents decided that they didn't want to keep a dead girls stuff in their house. _Emily thought, it suddenly jolted her back to reality.

"It's okay. This is great." Emily forced herself to smile. The situation had suddenly dawned on her. She was standing in the middle of her dead friends house, holding a box of her things, enjoying being flirted with by the person who had moved into her house. A huge surge of guilt flooded through her, and she found she just wanted to get away…get out of the situation before she felt even more terrible about it all.

Emily gestured down to the box with her eyes. "Thank you. For letting me have this. It means a lot…" Emily trailed off.

"Don't mention it." Maya said softly. She reached up and put her hand on Emily's shoulder. She gave it a slight rub. "You can come by any time." She dropped her hand back to her side.

Emily stepped through the doorway, manoeuvring the box through the narrow space. She turned back to look at Maya. "I'll see you around. Thanks again." She said.

"Oh, definitely. We're friends now, remember?" Maya smiled sweetly and Emily returned the smile before walking down the pathway with the box of Ali's things in her arms.

**One hour later.**

Emily sat on her bed staring at the box of Ali's possessions. She couldn't quite bring herself to look inside. She thought it would be easy. She thought that by just _having_ something of Ali's, that she would somehow be preserving her memory. But having this box…this last box of her possessions…just made it harder. She could see Alison's little trinkets poking out of the top of the box, and she wanted to cry.

_I thought that having something of yours would help keep you alive, somehow. But it doesn't. It just reinforces the fact that you're not coming back. You should have this stuff, Ali. Not me. You should have it dotted around your room…you should have these posters on your wall. They shouldn't be shoved in a box, somewhere. I thought this would keep your memory alive…but all it does…is make you all the more absent. None of this means anything without you. It's just stuff. _Emily thought sadly.

She thought about putting the box away, but as she leaned over to pick it up, and move it from her bed, she saw something wedged between Alison's _great expectations_ book, and a picture of her and her family. It was a small blue notepad. Emily frowned. She picked it up, and flicked through the pages. She dropped it straight onto the bed in shock as soon as she realised what it was. It was Alison's _diary._

_Oh my god. She kept a diary. How did I not know this. Maybe there's something in there. Is there a clue that could tell me what happened to her? No. There can't be. Did the police know this? Did they know about the diary? They must have known…they searched the house thoroughly before they found her body. They must have seen this and looked through it, already. It can't have any clues in it, or they'd have kept it for their investigation._

Emily picked up the little blue notepad. _You shouldn't._ A voice sounded in her head. _You know you shouldn't look. It's private._ But Emily couldn't help it. Human beings are inquisitive by nature, and Emily was no different to anybody else. As soon as she found the diary, she _knew_ she would end up looking inside. There was a part of her that just couldn't _help_ _it._ Every fibre of her being wanted to see what Alison had written. She was always the most secretive of people. You _never_ knew that she was thinking, or feeling. She had perfected the art of being an enigma , and that was what she had always remained as to Emily. She had always been so unreachable…so _unattainable…_and for the first time in her life, Emily finally realised that she might be able to find out some answers about Ali that that had always plagued her.

There were questions she wanted to ask the blonde, that she would never again get the chance to ask. There were things she wanted to _know_ that she would never, ever have the opportunity again to find out. Emily was desperately grateful to have the chance to see who Ali really was. And so, she pushed all thoughts of guilt aside, and opened the first page.

_Dear diary,_

_Secrets make the world go round. EVERYONE has something to hide. From parents to creepy janitors to high school students._

_If secrets had a pentagon, Rosewood High would be it. I would be acting director because I know it all. I need to keep track of everyone's dirty little secrets. Secrets I can use to help my day be a little bit more fun and also use everyone's dirt against them in order to get me out of this boring little town. _

_P.S Diary, I think it's ridiculous to refer to a little blue notebook full of paper as if it is a person. So no more of that "Dear" nonsense._

Emily laughed. It was all so _typical. _It was Alison all over. Emily couldn't help but chuckle to herself. _She even gets snarky with her own diary. _She thought as she read the last comment of the entry. "_No more of that dear nonsense." _Emily smiled. Ali always did have to be in charge, even with herself.

Emily continued to turn the pages. It was then that she realised her mistake. To say she had wished she had never opened the diary…was an understatement. The diary had started off sweet…a little line or two here and there about boys she found cute, teachers she didn't like, or songs she couldn't stop listening to. And then, somewhere around the last couple of years before her disappearance, it had turned from the juvenile comments of a young teen, to the older, more challenging comments that were so distinctly _Alison._

There were pages upon pages of blue scrawl, large glitter hearts, and obnoxious poems. A lot of them, Emily recognised as being about people she _knew_. Some of them, she didn't. In between the pages with the blue ink, there were numerous other blank pages, which seemed crumpled, but otherwise untouched. Emily wondered why Ali would skip so much in between her writing. _Probably so she could add to it later. _Emily thought. _I bet she kept those pages so she could write about whether her little plans were successful._

There was a particular paragraph about a girl named Cece that Emily couldn't help but feel a little jealous about, too. It had rambled on and on about how the girl was her best friend…and someone she could tell _anything _to. But Emily had never heard about her. In fact, a _lot_ of Alison's diary was about things she knew nothing about. She flicked back and forth through the page titles. They were written in huge bubblegum blue lettering.

_Why I hate wasp face._

_Snake eyes _

_Who does she think she is._

_Fifteen reasons why I KNOW prudence had a boob job._

_Loser Mona_

_The bumblebee_

_List of people to destroy_

_The mermaid_

_Pigskin_

_Girl crush_

_I love peanut butter_

_Ways I can get Mrs Lance fired_

The list seemed endless. Emily was barely paying attention to the chapter titles any more. Some of the diary was just so _mean. _She quickly realised she wasn't going to find much in there. It was mainly just a place for Ali to write what she thought about people, and apparently, what she thought, wasn't very nice at all. It was downright terrible.

As she took in the many, many hateful paragraphs, she began to have flashes of guilt. _Why did nobody talk to her about all this? Some of these things she writes about are awful…we shouldn't have let her get away with saying and doing half these things. _Emily came across a chapter called _"List of people to destroy." _And she realised that she had had enough. She was about to close the book. She didn't think she could take reading one more paragraph about how big people's noses were or how many times she had broken up a happy couple just for the 'fun' of it. _There's nothing in here…this isn't a diary, it's a book for her to plan her schemes. _She thought.

Emily sighed. She realised that she wasn't going to get what she had come looking for. If anything, she now felt worse. She didn't want the little book to be her last memory of Ali. She knew that half the things in the book didn't relate to the real Alison, but seeing some of the comments written down in black and white, was a little too much to handle. It made Ali harder to _defend, _and Emily was annoyed by that. _God, Ali. You don't make this easy, do you. _She thought.

Suddenly though, as she flicked one last time through the pages, an entry that she had previously bypassed caught her eye, again. _Girl crush._

Emily frowned. She had been so busy skipping the pages, trying to find something _nice_, that she had completely missed it before. _Oh my god. Girl crush? Is this about me? It can't be. What is this? _Emily's hands hovered over the words. She was suddenly _very _interested in what Alison had to say. Her eyes flickered over the words on the page...

_So…girl crush kissed me today. _Emily read, and realised to her horror that it _was _about her.

_I kissed her back…and it was good… _

Emily was _definitely _paying attention now. It was only when she began to read a little further…that she realised painfully what she was reading. It wasn't about love…it wasn't about affection…and it sure as hell wasn't what Emily had hoped to read.

She read through the whole thing, from start to finish, at least three times before she couldn't look at it any more. The words in the diary felt like they were permanently branded into her memory. She played them over and over inside her mind as she sat, shocked, on her bed.

"_I definitely don't have feelings for her…"_

"_I better make sure she doesn't think what happened to us meant anything…"_

"_I was just doing her a favour…"_

"_Maybe she will finally stop following me around like a little lost lamb..."_

_Wow. Oh my god. _Her eyes brimmed with tears. _This is what she thought of me? All this time…I thought it was real. But it was just a game. She's written it here, in her own personal space…so there's no getting around it. There's no excusing it. There's no denying it. It was all just fun to her. She didn't love me at all. _Emily realised sadly. She felt terribly upset by the words on the page, but worse, still, she felt _embarrassed. _

_God. I am such a fool. I was so stupid. I thought we had something more. Our kiss in the library meant everything to me. But I meant nothing to her. I'm just another thing for her to laugh at. Everything she said in the locker room was true…she was just using me for practice. I was nothing to her, after all._

Emily felt all the hope leave her body. For the longest time, she had held on to Alison's memory as if she were a lover. She truly believed that there might have been something between her and the blonde, and she had so desperately cherished the memory of their time together. The shock hit Emily hard. The disappointment was one thing, and the embarrassment was even worse, but the thing that _really_ made Emily hurt, was the whole notion that she had just been a game. Ali had quite clearly known she was gay, and hadn't said anything to her. She had _known _that Emily had feelings for her, and had played with her all the same.

Emily felt sick. She tried her hardest not to think badly of Ali in that moment, but she just couldn't help it. The way she had written about her was so _callous_, so uncaring, so _different_ from the way Ali made her feel in person when she looked her in the eyes. Emily could hardly believe it was the same girl who had held her so dearly, and looked at her with such affection, so many times. She had always seen flashes of this side of Alison, though. She just thought it was some sort of defence mechanism…that maybe…just maybe…she was hiding her feelings. But here, in this diary, her feelings were _crystal clear_.

The old Emily would have looked at the words on the page, and tried to find some way to excuse them. The Emily from a year ago would have noticed the words "_I kissed her back…and it was good." _And focused on them with all her will to believe that something real still existed. This Emily, though. This Emily knew better. She was tired of clinging on to tiny sparks of hope, and expecting them to materialise. She had grown up, and she couldn't let herself be naïve any longer. She had spent months and months clutching to the hope that Ali was alive, and in the end , when they dragged Ali's body from the river, it didn't matter one bit what she had been thinking. She couldn't change it. She had to learn to be a realist, and to not keep seeing what she wanted to see, and expecting it to happen. It was time to grow up, and see things for what they _really_ were.

_I was just a game. It wasn't real. Ali is dead, and she's not coming back. It's time to put all this to bed. Just lock it away. Get it away from you. You don't need to see it, any more. It's over. It doesn't matter now. You don't have to worry if she read your letter any more. She wouldn't have cared, anyway. She was your friend, nothing more. You can't keep mourning a relationship that never really existed._

Emily closed the diary, and carefully placed it back into the box, swearing to herself that she would never again open it. She didn't want it anywhere near her. She put the box on the highest shelf of her closet, and as she closed the doors, she shut away with it all the hopes, and memories, and feelings for Ali that she had harboured inside herself so long. It was time to put it all to rest.

She took a deep, calming breath, and stared at the closet doors. _Rest in peace, Ali. _She thought.

**ACCEPTANCE **

**15 months after Alison's disappearance**

Being gay seemed to come naturally to Emily. She had worried at first that she wouldn't feel comfortable, that she wouldn't feel accepted, and that above all else, she wouldn't feel normal. As she stared into the chocolate brown eyes of the girl in front of her, she quickly realised that not only was it the most normal thing in the world, it was also the _best_ thing that had ever happened to her.

She had been dating Maya St. Germain for the past month and a half. It was inevitable, really. They had bumped into each other almost everywhere Emily went, and each time, the conversation had included awkward silences, too much eye contact, and far too many lingering hugs. Eventually, after a particularly flirty exchange outside the record store, Maya had invited Emily back to her house. She had gone along with the premise that it was just _friendly_…that there was nothing going on…but Emily knew better, deep down. Maya had taken her into her bedroom and put some music on. She had taken Emily by the hand and made her dance with her, and they had ended up holding each other as they swayed to the music. Emily didn't know _how_ it happened, but she knew it would. Maya had reached out, and pulled Emily towards her for a kiss. Surprisingly, Emily hadn't hesitated. She had _wanted_ to kiss Maya. She realised as soon as their lips touched softly, that she had been waiting for it to happen for a long, long time.

Maya was confident, and forward, and completely the opposite of Emily. But the more time she spent in her company, the more confident Emily herself, became. She found herself beginning to speak her mind more often than she had allowed herself to do before. And she found that her inner voice was actually one people _would_ listen to. She had spent her life thinking that nobody really cared what she had to say, and keeping quiet, but as the weeks went on, Emily found herself changing for the better. She wouldn't let people walk all over her any more, and she had Maya to thank for that.

It was no secret that she was gay. Telling her friends about it had been a lot easier than she had thought, and they had taken the information exceedingly well. They had quickly accepted it, and encouraged Emily throughout the entire process. Emily was eternally grateful still for their support, and their unconditional love.

Telling her mother, however, was a different story. Eventually, she had accepted it too, but there had been a rocky patch for a while. Emily had sat her down, and tried to have a calm conversation about it, but her mother just wouldn't accept it. Her father had been fine, he was actually very understanding. But her mom was, at first, completely opposed to the idea. It took at least a week before she would speak to Emily, and that had been extremely hard for the brunette to handle. Her mother had always been her best friend, and although she was a little strict at times, she had never really fallen out with Emily before.

It had taken at least three weeks for her mom to come to terms with it. She didn't exactly _like_ Maya either, which Emily knew was her own fault. Her mother had come home from work one day and walked in on them kissing passionately on the sofa. It was also unfortunate that Maya had been lying on top of her at the time, too. That hadn't made it any better. She had kicked Maya out of the house, and tried to get Emily to break up with her. That was when Emily finally flipped out. She used words that she had never used in front of her mother before, and Pam was so shocked by it, that she actually backed down. Emily was completely surprised that she had actually _won _the argument. Once her mom made up her mind about something, she didn't usually change it. Emily was so forceful, though, and so passionate about her relationship, that Pam didn't have a choice but to accept it in the end. It had taken some time, but gradually, her mother was actually beginning to be supportive. Emily didn't push her, she didn't have Maya in the house, but her mom knew, and eventually accepted, that they were dating.

Their first kiss had been brief, and scary, and full of nervousness, but gradually, as the kisses had become more desperate, more searching, and more public, Emily had realised that there wasn't anything to be all that nervous about after all. People stared at them sometimes, sure, but they soon lost interest. Emily didn't know what she had been so worried about all those months ago when she was first figuring it out in her head. If she had known it would be this easy, she would have told everybody a long time ago.

The thing about Maya, was that she was as kind as she was understanding. After a month of dating, she hadn't asked once about Ali. She always waited for Emily to be the one to bring her up, which she seldom did. Emily could tell that she knew more than she was letting on, though, and Emily wondered sometimes whether she had also read Alison's diary. It had been in her house, after all. She never questioned Emily on the matter though. She seemed to know it was a sensitive subject, and Emily was grateful to her for not pushing her to talk about it.

And so Emily, despite all her previous fears, was in a relationship with a girl, for the very first time. It was new, and it was nerve wracking, but Maya made her feel so comfortable with it that she was beyond happy. She was happy to _finally_ be herself. She could walk down the street, and just be the person she was born to be. She could be happy, finally.

**16 months after Alison's disappearance. Maya St. Germain's House.**

It was inevitably going to happen. Emily had felt it coming for the last couple of weeks. Their kisses had gone from soft, and loving, to desperate, and gradually more sexual. Wandering hands had begun to wander a little _too_ far south, and Emily knew it was time to take the next step. She knew it as soon as Maya had phoned her, telling her that her parents weren't home, and that she should stay the night. She had noticed the hidden question in the way Maya had said the words, and blushed. She knew _exactly _what was going to happen. Surprisingly, instead of feeling nervous, she felt excited. Emily was about to have sex with a girl, and she knew it would forever change her.

Being with Maya was different than when she had been with Ben. Every time he touched her she had wanted to pull away, because she just didn't _feel _anything. It was only her attraction to Alison that had made her realise it was because he was a _boy_, not a girl, and that there was nothing wrong with her. As Emily entered Maya's candle lit bedroom, she smiled. _This_ was what love was supposed to be like. And she realised, as she looked into the dark brown eyes of her girlfriend, that she _did_ love Maya. It would never be the same kind of love she had for Ali, but she loved her all the same. The thing with Alison hadn't been real, Ali herself had confirmed it. But the part of Emily that used to feel a little guilty over loving another person, had gone. Maya was the first person that Emily really, genuinely, felt loved her _back._ And feeling loved, was something Emily could get used to.

"This is…" Emily trailed off, looking around the room in surprise.

Tiny candles were dotted around Maya's bedroom. They lined the dresser, the shelves, and the windowsill, casting golden tones around the room which flickered off of Maya's chocolate skin. Emily set her bag down on the floor and walked quickly over to her girlfriend.

"It's for you. It's for us." Maya said sweetly. She reached out, and took Emily's hands in her own.

Emily smiled at her, and leaned down to capture her lips in a chaste kiss. "Thank you." She murmured.

"You don't need to thank me." Maya whispered. "I just wanted it to be special."

"It is special. Anything would be special with you. You're incredible. I love you." Emily said truthfully. She hadn't meant to say it, but as soon as the words were out of her mouth, she realised that she didn't regret them. She meant them. She did love Maya, and she wanted her to know.

Maya smiled widely. "I love you too, Emily." She pulled Emily over to the bed by the arms, and Emily willingly followed.

The moment just felt _right. _It felt more right than anything had ever felt before. She felt like it _needed_ to happen, just as much for her relationship as for _herself. _She had spent so long denying who she really was, that she had forgotten to focus on what was _true_ in her life. So many times, she had focused on distant dreams…slim chances…and what ifs. As she felt Maya's hands slip underneath her top, pulling it up, and over her head, she realised that all this time…she should have been focusing on what was right in front of her, not what she had left behind. She needed to feel _whole_. She needed to feel something real, and above all else, she needed to feel loved.

As she lay topless on Maya's bed, staring up at the ceiling, she felt a flash of nervousness shoot through her body. It was erased, quickly, by the soft kisses which began to pepper her neck…and slowly move their way to the top of her bra. Emily sighed as _another_ feeling took over…one which had been building for weeks, it seemed. Maya paused, and asked silently with her eyes if she should continue. Emily didn't need to answer. In a sudden rush of confidence, she reached behind her back, and unhooked her bra. She pulled her arms through the straps, and threw it unceremoniously over the side of the bed. Maya grinned, staring at Emily's naked chest, and pushed Emily back onto the bed so that she was lying down.

As Emily felt Maya's lips tenderly kiss between her breasts, she finally closed her eyes, and allowed herself to just _feel_. The sensation was incredible. She sighed softly, and her back arched sensually as she felt Maya kiss her nipple, softly. Emily felt her heart rate speed up exponentially. She let out a quiet moan. _Wow…I had no idea this was going to feel this good. _She thought, as she tried to focus on her breathing.

She felt Maya's hand grip her thigh, and pull her legs apart as she lay in between them, settling herself half on top of the brunette. Maya's kisses now moved slowly across Emily's chest, towards her other nipple. Emily's body was flushed. She was sure she was blushing all over, but Maya didn't seem to care. Emily felt her girlfriends hand slide up her inner thigh through her jeans, and begin to move inwards. Emily felt a huge rush of arousal shoot between her legs as she felt Maya grin against her breast.

"Oh my god…" She panted heavily as her breathing sped up. She knew Maya had done this before, but she had no idea how good it would actually feel. Maya's tongue licked a slow path between her breasts, down towards her stomach, and Emily couldn't breathe. Her hands struggled to find purchase on the bedsheets as she began to grip them tightly.

Suddenly, a loud bang erupted, as if it had come from right outside the window. The noise was jarring, and Emily's eyes snapped open. It sounded as if something had smashed in the garden. Emily had no idea what it could be.

_I don't care what it is. I don't care. Whatever it is…can wait. _Emily thought as she breathed heavily, her whole stomach clenched tightly in anticipation for what she knew was about to happen.

Maya's head shot up in surprise. "What the hell was that?" She asked, her head turning to look towards the window.

Emily couldn't calm down. She was way too far gone to care about anything else but the feeling coursing through her body. The hand that wasn't clutching at the bed sheet came up to tangle in Maya's hair. "Don't stop. I don't care what it was. Just don't stop" she panted heavily.

Maya smiled flirtatiously, and returned her lips to Emily's stomach. She resumed her kisses, leading a path downwards towards Emily's navel. She licked slowly around it with the tip of her tongue, hearing a small gasp, and feeling Emily's body shudder beneath her. Maya took one last look up at her girlfriend as she kissed just above the waistline of Emily's jeans. She saw her hips arch up slightly as her eyes flickered shut in pleasure. Her nipples were hard, and her breathing was heavy, and she looked like she was in an utter state of bliss.

Maya grinned. She flicked open the button on Emily's jeans, and kissed her way lower, still.

**20 MONTHS AFTER ALISON'S DISAPPEARANCE**

**HOPE**

All good things come to an end. Emily knew that all too well. She hadn't expected it to happen as quickly as it did, but her relationship with Maya was imploding on a monumental scale. The problem was, Maya liked to smoke a little weed, sometimes. It wasn't much, but it was just enough for her mother to notice the smell of it on Maya one day, and that was that.

Pam fields had called Maya's mother immediately, and told her her daughter was doing drugs. Emily couldn't even defend it, because it was true. She didn't _like_ the fact that Maya did it, but she wasn't particularly bothered by it, either. It wasn't all the time, and it wasn't a _lot_, and Emily had even had a little, a few times. _She _didn't care, but Maya's mother _did._ She had told Maya that she was sending her to a drug rehabilitation center, called _True North. _Emily had heard of it, and knew exactly what it was like. It was one of the strictest boot camps you could be sent to, and they allowed absolutely _no _visitors.

Maya had broken the news to Emily over the phone, and Emily had rushed outside to meet her on the trail behind her house. She was furious with her mother for ringing Maya's family, but she knew her mom was just being protective. Emily knew it was her own fault for not being more careful. She had told Maya time and time again that if she was going to smoke weed, then she couldn't bring any trace of it into her house, or her mother would react like this. But Maya hadn't listened. She always had such an carefree attitude, she just didn't care what people thought. In some ways, that was a good way to be, but in cases like this, it didn't help the situation one bit.

"Why can't you just talk to her! You haven't even tried! Are you just going to let her ship you off without a fight_?" _Emily shouted.

"Emily, we've been over this. It's not my fault, okay. I can't help what's happening any more than I can change it." Maya yelled back. "And you _know _talking to her wont change her mind. So stop asking me!"

"That's not a good enough answer!" Emily challenged, throwing her jacket on roughly.

And it really _wasn't_ a good enough answer, at all. In the last few weeks, Maya had been distant. Their relationship had gone well for a while, but just lately, Emily found that the two of them were disagreeing on more and more subjects. One such disagreement, was happening right now. Maya had seemed to accept quite quickly that she would have to go to True North. As far as Emily could tell, she hadn't even tried to fight her mother on it. Every time Emily had tried to bring it up, Maya had deflected the conversation, stating that she just _had _to go, and there was no point trying to change it. Emily didn't see why Maya was being so defensive. She thought that she would at least fight to stay, but she hadn't. Emily was left with an uneasy feeling about it all.

"Emily. Take your jacket off. You're not going with me. Go home. If my mom sees you there, she'll freak."

"I don't care! I want to say goodbye. She can't stop me." Emily challenged.

Maya sighed, she looked as if she was having trouble finding the right words to say."I don't think that's a good idea." She whispered.

"What are you talking about?" Emily questioned.

Maya looked sad for a moment. "Em…this place…I don't know how long I'm going to be away for…." She turned her back to Emily and wiped her eyes. "They said months…it could be months…and I don't know…" She trailed off.

Emily felt a sinking feeling creep through her stomach. Something about this conversation just didn't feel right. "You don't know what?" Emily asked tentatively. She had an awful feeling she knew what Maya was about to say.

Maya sighed, and turned around. "I don't know if we can make it through." She said.

_There it is. I knew it. I knew she was going to do this. _Emily thought angrily.

"Oh, great." She said sarcastically. "What's that supposed to mean?" .

"You know what it means, Em." Maya said sadly. She looked down at the ground.

"Don't look at the floor." Emily said angrily. "Look at _me. _Why _exactly _wouldn't we make it through it?" She said sternly. She was extremely irritated.

"I just…I just don't, okay. It's too long. We're going to be apart too long, and I don't know if staying together is right considering the circumstances."

"Circumstances? What _circumstances?" _Emily took a step towards Maya. "You mean you don't want to try, right? That's what this is about. You won't even try? That's what you're saying?" She asked, her voice raising in anger.

She thought she would be more upset about it, but with the way Maya was going about things, all she felt was resentment. She knew that if the situation was reversed, she would do _anything_ not to leave. But Maya wasn't. She was just giving up.

"Face the facts, Emily. It was good while it lasted. But I think…maybe with some time apart…" She trailed off.

"Save it." Emily said quickly, before Maya could finish. "Just go." She wouldn't look Maya in the eyes. For the first time since the argument had started, she began to feel upset. She refused to cry, though. She was too angry.

Maya looked off in the direction of the woods. She was on her way to pick up her car. It had broken down a couple of days ago and was being fixed by Matt at the garage behind the tyre yard.

"I don't want to leave it like this, Em." Maya said sadly.

"Well this was your choice. You could stay. You could _try_ and stay." Emily retorted.

"I can't. You know this would have happened eventually." Maya answered.

"You know what, Maya. I _really_ didn't. You may have seen this coming, but I sure as hell don't understand why this is happening. Just go…go get your car, and leave. If you're determined to end it, and you don't want me to say goodbye, then fine. I won't. But I am not going to stand here and cry over another person that's decided that what we had meant nothing." Emily's voice broke as she felt her eyes burn. _Don't cry. Do not cry. Be strong. Don't let her see you crying over her. She doesn't deserve it. _

Maya suddenly looked angry. "_Another _Person." She mimicked. "You're talking about Alison, right?"

Emily looked at her in shock. _What the hell is she talking about._

"Don't bring her into this. She's got nothing to do with it." Emily snapped.

"Yes she does, Emily! You think I didn't read that diary? It was sitting in my house for _months! _I know exactly how you felt about her. This has everything to do with it. I can't keep…_waiting_ for you to tell me about it.

"First of all…" Emily seethed. "You had _no_ right to read that diary! And second, Alison has _nothing _to do with this! Don't turn this around on me and try and make excuses for why you're leaving! This is about _you! _Don't bring up things you know nothing about!" She shouted.

"Oh! I had no right? Are you telling me _you_ didn't read it, then? Look me in the eye, and tell me that you didn't love her." Maya challenged.

"What does that matter now? She's dead. Why do you care how I felt about her?" Emily asked. She was genuinely confused. This entire conversation had come out of nowhere. It was the last thing she expected Maya to bring up.

"It _does_ matter, Em. You wanna know why I never mention her to you? You wanna know _why _I don't ask? It's because you don't look at me with even _half _the love you get in your eyes _every _time someone says her name." Maya said angrily.

"Oh my god! _That's_ why you're breaking up with me? Are you _serious? _Because I miss my friend? And _yes_, I know I loved her, okay. I know I did. I don't need you to remind me of it. But you don't have the right to tell me I can't feel anything when I think about her. You don't know the half of what happened, and you can't use this as an _excuse _for leaving!" Emily seethed.

"That's the problem." Maya whispered. "I don't know what happened. But I can see you're not over it. I know you don't talk about it any more, but Emily…you're still in love with her. I see it every time you step into my room. I see the way your eyes linger on the wallpaper, the photos, the carpets…and I _know_. I know you're wishing she was still here. And I get that, I get that she's your friend, and that she died, and that you miss her. But it's so much more than that. And I see it every time we're together. You're not over her. Not yet." Maya said sadly.

"I am." Emily said as forcefully as she could, but she knew it was a lie.

"Don't lie to me. You're not a good liar." Maya smiled wistfully. "That's one of the things I love most about you. You're full of emotion, and kindness, and you never want to hurt any body. You can't lie, either."

"I'm not lying." Emily said again.

"Maybe you think you're not lying to me. But you're lying to yourself. I can't be with you if your not one hundred percent in it. Half your heart is a million miles away, Em. Half of you will always hope that she's going to come back. Even though she's dead, I can still see how much you still love her." Maya took a deep breath.

Emily stayed quiet, processing the conversation as best she could. Maya was right, she knew that. Deep down, she knew she would always love Ali. She had tried to ignore it, and she had tried to move on, but there would always be something there. Emily didn't _want_ to feel that way, but she did. Deep down, she did.

"Okay." Emily said quietly. "I don't know what to say. If that's how you feel…then there's not much more I can do, is there." She looked Maya in the eyes, and realised that this was it. This was the end.

"No. There's not." Maya said quietly. "You're a great person, Em. I hope you find what you're looking for." She said kindly. Emily didn't reply. Maya took one last look at her before she walked down the pathway, and disappeared from sight.

**22 months after Alison's disappearance **

Emily had at least expected a phone call from Maya, or even just a text message. But she received none. She knew they had broken up, but she still _cared_ about her. Emily was annoyed that she didn't seem to care one bit about her in return. She hadn't heard a thing in weeks, and she was extremely annoyed about it. She had gotten over Maya pretty quickly, considering how much she felt for her. Despite what Maya thought, Emily _had _loved her. But in the weeks since she had left, she had realised that Maya was right. It just wasn't _enough. _

Her friends had been amazing. They had been there for her every step of the way, and Emily was thankful for that. She was happy that she finally had the courage to to open up to them about it all. Over the months after Alison had disappeared, she had begun to change from a shy, quiet girl, who was afraid to use her voice, into a strong, powerful, opinionated woman, who wasn't afraid to stand up for herself. Her friends had all noticed the change in her, and they were proud. Emily was also proud of _herself_, too. She had spent _so_ many years of her life being afraid to voice her opinion, for fear of what people would think, or say. She was glad that she finally had a different outlook on life. It had taken some hardships in her life to get her to where she was today, but those hardships had made her stronger, and wiser, than ever before.

Her friends had also changed. Hanna had turned from social recluse into social butterfly. Emily had worried at first that she was changing into something that resembled Ali, but Hanna had kept her charm, and her kindness. It was just her appearance that had changed. She had kept the weight off, and she was _happy. _She was with Sean still, which made her happiest of all.

Spencer was dating Jenna Marshall's step brother, Toby Cavanaugh, which was ironic, considering she was one of the reasons he had to spend a year at a reform school. He was blamed for his sisters accident, and had only just returned to Rosewood a few months before. Emily and her friends had taken him aside, and apologised to him for the entire incident. To his credit, he had accepted, which was a great surprise to Emily. They knew they shouldn't be apologising for Alison's mistake, but she wasn't there to do it, and Emily had insisted that they make it right. She knew Ali had told them they were never allowed to speak about it, but Emily was done taking orders from people. She was finally brave enough to make her own decisions. Aria was doing well, too. She no longer wore pink stripes in her hair, and she had changed her style a lot. She had started a photography course in her spare time, and was really enjoying it. All in all, the girls were closer than ever. Emily had worried that after Ali's death, they would all drift apart, but if anything, losing her had brought them closer.

Emily sat on her bed, on the phone with her friend Hanna.

"So then…he took me into the tent…and we had _sex!" _Hanna squealed excitedly.

Emily rolled her eyes. _Thank god. Because I don't think I could listen to her tell me one more time about all the ways she wanted it to happen. _

"Oh my god! Really! It finally happened! That's great, Han." Emily said kindly. She was happy for her friend. She knew how much Hanna liked Sean.

"Yeah…oh my god, Em, it was _amazing!" _She said dreamily. "You know how it is when it's just…_perfect._"

Emily smiled to herself. "Yeah. Yeah I do." She admitted.

"Seriously though, oh my _god. _Let me tell you the details!" Hanna said scandalously.

_No. No let's not tell me all the details. I don't think I really need to know._

"Uh…" Emily started, but Hanna interrupted her. She was _way _too excited to stop her story.

"So, you know when a guy gets all _manly _on you…and just _throws _you down…" Hanna started. Then, she realised her mistake. "Well…actually, I guess you don't, but anyway…I know _you'll _understand this next part at least! He did this _amazing _thing with his _tongue, _where he—"

"Hanna!" Emily yelled before her friend could continue. "I do _not_ need to be hearing this much detail!"

"Oh! Don't be such a prude! I know you and Maya had sex! Don't tell me you don't know _exactly _what he did to me! You must have done it all the time!" She laughed.

_Not all the time…just once or twice…._

"Even so..." Emily said with mock horror. "I don't think we need to be discussing it!"

"Alright, fine!" Hanna laughed again. "But I'm telling you…it was _good._" She emphasised.

"Well…good for you. I'm glad it was…enjoyable." Emily finished. She didn't quite know what to say. Her entire face had turned bright red.

"You would know! I wonder who's better at that little tongue trick, you or Sean? I'm curious...did you read a book to learn it, or did it just come naturally? Excuse the pun!" Hanna laughed down the phone.

"Stop! Oh my god!" Emily shrieked. _Actually, I read how to do it from an old article in Cosmo. _Emily thought to herself, remembering the magazine, and the night at her house when Ali had caught her reading it.

"You're so funny, Em." Hanna said. "I can see you blushing from my house!" She joked.

Emily shook her head at her friends bluntness. Hanna was always one to over share. It wasn't that Emily minded talking about it, but Hanna just had such a casual manner when talking about things like that, that it often caught Emily off guard.

"I'm not blushing!" Emily lied. "I just…don't like to discuss those things, that's all."

"Oh god, I forgot, you're little miss _shy_!" Hanna teased. "I bet you're not really, though! What was it Ali said? Shy in the streets…sexy…something?"

"In the sheets." Emily remembered. Her heart sank a little at the mention of Alison's name, and the memory of that day in the cafeteria, when she had said those words.

"That was it!" Emily heard Hanna clap her hands together through the phone.

Emily's mood had changed, slightly. She was no longer laughing, and Hanna seemed to pick up on it.

"I'm sorry, Em. I'm an idiot. I forgot you don't like to talk about her." She apologised.

"No, it's okay. I mean, it's hard sometimes, but you don't have to be afraid to say her name around me. It's been nearly two years…" Emily trailed off.

"Yeah. About that…are you going to the memorial?" Hanna asked suddenly. "It's the two year anniversary of her disappearance and I think the school wanted her closest friends there." She asked as carefully as she could.

Emily hadn't forgotten that the date was coming up. She had absolutely no intention of going, though. She didn't see why they needed to memorialise the day she went missing, it was hard enough as it was without seeing a bunch of people stand around and cry over Alison when they hardly even knew her. Emily would remember her in her own way, she didn't need to go.

"You know what…no. I'm not. It's too hard. It just ends up annoying me. Half the people at the first memorial didn't even know her. It was just full of strangers, pretending to care about someone they hated." Emily said truthfully.

"I bet Ali would have loved it, though. She always liked to be the center of attention. Hated or not, she didn't care." Hanna said.

"Yeah…" Emily started. "She probably would have." She smiled to herself. Hanna was right, Ali _did_ always love a crowd. Especially if they were watching _her._

"Look, I know it's a couple of months away, but you can come with me and Sean if you like." Hanna offered.

"Thanks. I'll think about it." Emily answered. _Fat chance. _She thought. _It would take an army to drag me there._

"So have you heard from Maya?" Hanna asked.

Emily stayed quiet for a moment. "No. I haven't. Not a word." She said in a dull voice. _She doesn't care. She moved on, and couldn't give a shit._

_"_Really? Nothing? I'm sorry." Hanna said softly.

"Yeah." Emily answered. She took a shaky breath. It was a little hard for her to express her feelings about it without getting upset. "To be honest…I don't think she even cares."

"Well fuck her then!" Hanna suddenly exclaimed. "If she doesn't care, then you shouldn't either!"

"That's easier said than done…" Emily said truthfully. It _was _hard, despite her best efforts to get over it.

"Well you gotta start by coming out more! Why don't you come up to the barn with me tonight? Sean said he would take a look at this car for Matt. He's actually getting pretty good at fixing them! Matt has to give it back to the owner tomorrow and there's something wrong with the exhaust." Hanna explained.

"Oh, yeah?" Emily said.

"Yeah, Matt had to go to some family party tonight so Sean said he would go over and work on it for him." She stated. "He's _lovely _like that!" She sighed dreamily. "I said I'd keep him company. You're welcome to come along and keep _me_ company, too." Hanna said, as if the last thing she wanted to be doing was looking at old cars all night.

Emily laughed. "I thought you liked cars?" She teased. Hanna had gone on and on about them when she had first started dating Sean. She had been desperate to find some common ground.

"Yeah. I got over it." Hanna laughed.

_You know what? Maybe I do need a break. Maybe I do need to go out and relax._

"You know what, Han. I might take you up on that." Emily decided. "What time are you going?"

"Six thirty…or wait, was it seven thirty? I can't remember…hold on…WHAT, MOM? FINE! I'm on the PHONE! I'll do it after!" She screamed. Emily's ear rang.

"Okay. I'll let you go." Emily said quickly. She could hear Hanna's mother screaming in the background. "I'll see you at six thirty."

"OKAY! I'm coming! JUST PUT IT BACK IN YOUR DRESSER! I only borrowed it ONCE!" She screamed back. "Oh…what, Em? Sorry. Yeah that sounds good, see you then! I gotta go before she starts ransacking my wardrobe looking for her clothes." Hanna said in a rush.

"Okay, see you later." Emily laughed, and hung up the phone.

**6.17pm that same day**

Emily made her way quickly through the woods, pulling her jacket around her body tightly. She was starting to regret leaving the house. It was _freezing._ She hoped the barn would be warmer, because there was no _way_ she was staying outside for long in the cold wind.

She knew she needed to see her friends, though. Hanna was always there for her when she needed her, and she knew that Hanna would be bored all night without her company. The last thing Emily wanted to do was spend the evening looking at cars, and she would probably feel like a third wheel, but she didn't want her friends to think she was being anti social.

Emily looked at the large red building in front of her. The last time she had been there was when she had been spying on Alison. She remembered hiding in the tree line as she watched the blonde kissing Matt. It seemed like a million years ago. Emily had been so shy then, and so easily hurt. She remembered how physically sick she had felt watching Matt pull Alison close, and she sighed. If the same thing had happened now, she would have reacted in a different way. She wouldn't have run. She would have faced her problem head on, and confronted Ali about it. Nothing about their relationship had been fair, and Emily had spent so many years excusing her behaviour…ignoring it, and being led on by Ali's small glimpses of hope. She knew now that it had all been a lie. She wished she had the same courage back then that she had acquired during the years Ali had been missing.

Emily walked up to the double doors of the barn. They were cracked, and the paint was peeling off in chunks. She knocked once, loudly, but there was no answer. She turned around, and tried to see if anyone was about. The place seemed deserted, she couldn't see Hanna anywhere. She thought she saw something else, though. A quick glimmer of red through the trees, but she couldn't be sure. She squinted, and tried to find the flash of colour again, but it was gone. Emily turned her attention back to the barn.

"Hello?" Emily called. "Hanna?" But there was still no response.

Emily frowned. She pulled her phone out and held it up to her ear. She listened to the sound of the ringing as she called Hanna's phone. Hanna didn't pick up, and Emily sighed in frustration.

_She's probably running late. Isn't Sean supposed to be here, somewhere? _Emily wondered, and pushed the door of the barn open a little. It was being propped open by a large wooden stick. Emily wondered why. She looked inside. She could see that the lights were on, so someone had been in there recently.

The wind whistled through the door behind her, and Emily felt the hair on the back of her neck stand up. _God! It's so cold! I wonder if Sean would mind if I waited in here. Well…it's not his barn, anyway. It's Matt's, and he's isn't here so I guess it won't matter. _

She pushed the stick out of the way, and immediately, the door slammed shut with a loud bang. Emily jumped back a little in fright. _Oh. So that's why the stick was there…_

She turned around, and looked at the large black car which was taking up the majority of the space. The bonnet was open, as was the trunk, and it had various bits of metal sticking out of it from where the boys had been fixing it. Emily noticed that the engine was running, and that there was a low hum coming from the back of the car. She was glad. She realised that it must mean Sean and Hanna were around, somewhere.

Emily glanced around the room, looking at the various different pieces of equipment. _How on earth did Hanna listen to them talk about all this. I gotta give it to her, that girl is dedicated. I couldn't learn all this just for a boy. _Emily thought. _Well…a girl. _Emily laughed to herself.

Emily walked around the room casually, trying to entertain herself while she waited for Hanna to show up. She was so busy snooping around, that she hadn't noticed the danger in the room with her. Had Hanna been there, she would have known. She would have spotted it right away, but by the time Emily noticed that something was wrong, it was already too late.

The thing with carbon monoxide poisoning is...it only takes a few minutes to kill you. It could take five, or it could take fifteen, but it _will_ kill you, if you're left in an enclosed space with it.

Sean was no mechanic. He didn't know the slightest thing about exhausts, either. He had thought that by propping the door open, and letting the air out, that the levels wouldn't build up. He thought that he could keep working on the car with the engine running like that, and not have any trouble. Hanna had phoned him, and said she needed picking up. She had got into an argument with her mother about something to do with borrowing a very expensive red lipstick, and her mother had taken her car away. He had left to pick her up, and hadn't turned off the car. He thought he would only be a few minutes, and didn't realise Emily was coming to meet them there.

Emily sat down at a little desk in the corner of the room. There wasn't much space, but she wanted to sit down. She was feeling a little tired, all of a sudden. _This is so strange…I was fine a moment ago. Why do I feel so tired? I'll just sit here, for a moment. _She thought, as she glanced up at the pictures lining the walls. Her eyes blurred slightly, as they struggled to focus on the little squares. She glanced around in confusion, her eyes finally settling on the exhaust of the car.

_Shit. _

Emily wasn't stupid, she might be clueless about cars, but she knew enough about fumes to know that something wasn't right. She started to panic when her eyes began to get heavy. She tried to stand up, but all of a sudden, her head began to swim. She felt like she had drank a quarter bottle of vodka.

_Oh my god. This is really bad. I know what this is. I have to turn the car off. I have to get out, now. _She thought in a panic. She suddenly realised how dangerous the situation had become. She couldn't believe she had been walking around the room all that time, and not noticed the fumes. There was no odour, though, so she hadn't thought anything was wrong. She had just assumed that Sean was doing something with the engine, and hadn't thought much of it.

Emily staggered to her feet, her arms reaching out to grab the side of the chair as she swayed.

_Just get to the car. Turn it off. Shut it down. Just find a way quickly._

She stumbled over to the car door, and tried to find purchase on the handle as her hand fumbled to open it through her dizziness. She gripped the underneath, and pulled it upwards, expecting it to open. But it didn't.

_Oh fuck. It's locked. Fuck. I have to get out. _Emily's heart lurched as she realised she was slipping slowly into unconsciousness. _If I pass out, I'll die. It only takes a few minutes. FUCK! _

Emily staggered towards the large barn door, and already knew what was going to happen when she tried to open it. She had _heard _the bang as the door had closed on her when she removed the stick, and she knew it was going to be stuck. Sure enough, as she pulled on the handle, the door wouldn't budge, it was locked tight. She pulled, and pulled, but it was no use. Emily pulled her jacket from her shoulders, and looped it around the inside of the barn door, to make a better grip. She pulled again as hard as she could, but it still didn't move.

She found herself finding it hard to breathe, and with all the energy she could muster, she screamed.

"HELP ME!" She smacked her hands against the barn door, hoping someone would hear her. "HELP ME, PLEASE!" She yelled again, as her arms began to get weak. Her legs seemed to turn to jelly beneath her, and she knew she was close to passing out. The strength in her body seemed to rapidly deteriorated as a cloudy, heavy feeling took over her head.

Emily dropped to her knees, and pressed her mouth up to the crack in the barn door. She tried to suck in trying in oxygen from outside to keep herself awake. But it was already too late. It had been too late before she had even noticed something was wrong inside the barn.

She weakly slapped her hand once more against the door as her body began to fall to the side. She just couldn't keep herself up right any more. Emily felt her head hit the floor, but didn't feel the pain. Her eyes were already closed. She had passed out.

When Emily opened her eyes, she could see clear sky above her. Her body felt heavy, and she felt like she'd been hit over the head with a brick. She saw the sunlight glinting through the trees above her head.

_I'm outside. How did I get outside? Where am I? _She thought as she lay in a confused daze.

Suddenly, a face came into view above her. Emily looked up, and saw a pair of beautiful cerulean blue eyes gazing lovingly down at her. She realised in shock, as soon as she saw the sweet smile on the blondes face, who it was.

_Oh my god. It's Ali. Am I dead? It's Alison. What's going on. I can't be dead…_

"It's okay, you're with me now." Alison said softly. Emily realised for the first time that she was lying across Alison's legs. She could feel her jacket underneath her head.

_This can't be real. Is this heaven? Am I dead? Am I dreaming? _Emily thought as her eyes flickered across the blondes face in confusion. She felt her heart swell as she saw her dead friend for the first time in so, _so _long.

"_Alison…" _She breathed. _Oh my god. It's really her._

"It's so good to see you, Emily. I think I miss you the most." Ali said with a smile. She looked down tenderly at Emily.

A surge of excitement rushed through her body. Emily moved to sit up. She couldn't quite believe what she was seeing. She tired to raise her head, but Alison pushed it back down, softly. Her perfectly manicured hand reached out to cradle the back of the brunettes head.

"Just rest…" Ali said quietly. Emily lay her head back down on Ali's lap, and continued to look up at her in surprise. Her vision was still a little blurry, and she felt completely out of it. "It's what you need…rest." Ali continued. Emily didn't want to fall asleep again, but her head just felt _so_ heavy. She thought she might pass out at any moment, but she didn't want to miss one second of being with Ali, even if she was just imagining it.

Ali looked into Emily's eyes. "I never told you this…but…you were _always_ my favourite." She shook her head slightly, as if remembering. "Nobody loved me as much as you did." She said, her voice slightly sad.

_I can't believe this is really happening. Is she an Angel? She must be…I must be dead. She can't be here. She's in heaven. Am I in heaven, too?_

"Is this what dying is?" Emily questioned.

"Trust me. Dying isn't what you really want. It's not as fun as it looks." Ali said sternly.

"Do you know who killed you?" Emily asked suddenly. Her eyes were beginning to flicker shut, again. She didn't know what good it could do to ask, but she did anyway. Even if she was only dreaming, she was still desperate to know what had happened to Alison. Some part of her knew that the logic didn't make sense. You couldn't ask a dead person a question…but she didn't care.

Alison sighed. "Of course I do." She whispered.

"You have to tell me..." Emily said as her vision blurred in and out of focus. Her head was feeling heavier by the second.

Ali looked away into the distance. She looked conflicted, and shook her head slightly. "I don't think that's a good idea…" She answered regretfully. Emily could hear by the sound of her voice, that she _wanted _to tell her.

"Why?" Emily asked in confusion. _You can tell me anything, Ali. Please…before I pass out. Let me help you…_

"Because some secrets…are too painful." She said, her voice breaking slightly.

Emily's head swam as the dizziness returned. Ali seemed to notice this, and leaned in a little closer. "You have to decide what you want, Emily…" She started. "You can stay here…or you can come with _me." _

_I would follow you anywhere. I think I'd even follow you to heaven, if you took me right now. Are you really dead, Ali? If I go with you, does it mean I have to die now, too? Am I dying? I can't keep my eyes open…_

Before Emily could answer, Ali reached out with her hand. She gently touched the side of Emily's face, as she had done so many times before. Emily closed her eyes at the feel of her fingertips lightly brushing along the side of her face. She had missed it _so_ much. She felt Ali trail one finger down behind her ear slowly, brushing her hair behind it, and then shivered as Ali dragged her fingertip lightly down the side of Emily's neck.

"Sweet Emily…" She heard Alison say softly.

The last thing Emily felt as she drifted again into unconsciousness, was the sensation of Alison's lips as they pressed tenderly against her own, in a sweet, chaste kiss.

"Emily…"

"EMILY!..."

_Ali? _

Emily's eyes fluttered open. She was once again staring up at a clear blue sky, and once again, a blonde haired girl hovered over her.

"Em! Are you okay? What _happened?_" Hanna Marin asked in shock. She stared down at her friend, who was lying on the ground.

Emily was confused. She turned her head from side to side as her vision cleared properly. For the first time, she felt like she could finally breathe. Hanna leaned down over her, cupping her cheek with her hand. Emily could see Sean hovering over her, looking down in concern.

Emily's eyes widened as she finally woke up. _"_She's still alive!" She exclaimed. She sat bolt upright and looked around her. She was lying outside the barn, on the floor, in the dirt. She could see her jacket on the floor where her head had been resting on it.

Hanna looked confused. She helped pull Emily upright into a better sitting position.

"She was here…" Emily said, looking around. She could see that the barn door had been pulled open. _She dragged me out. She saved me…_

"Who's here?" Hanna asked. She looked completely bewildered.

Emily reached up, and gently touched her fingertips to her lips. She could still feel the faint tingle from where Alison had kissed her.

Emily took a shaky breath. "I…saw Alison." She whispered in shock.

**23 months, three weeks, and six days after Alison's disappearance.**

**FULL CIRCLE**

"Emily, for the last time! You did NOT see Alison!" Spencer yelled.

She stood over Emily and scowled as her friend sat over a pile of paperwork, and old, crumbling newspapers.

"And for the LAST TIME, Spencer. I'm telling you that I DID!" Emily retorted, ignoring her friend.

"Are we really back to this, Emily. _REALLY!" _Spencer shouted as she gestured to the pile of maps which sat next to Emily's left knee.

"Will you just stop yelling! Both of you!" Hanna said sternly. "Spencer, you're not helping." She snapped.

"Thank you." Emily said sarcastically.

"And Emily, she's right." Emily snapped her head up to look at Hanna in shock. "You're acting like a crazy person. Okay. You need to stop, and talk to us."

"I did talk to you! You didn't believe me! So I'm doing it by myself. AGAIN!" Emily said angrily.

Aria looked between her arguing friends. "Guys, can we please calm down. The whole street can hear us."

"Em…" Hanna started, her voice slightly calmer, "I know what you _think _you saw…but there's just no way…" She trailed off.

Emily slammed the lists she was holding down onto the floor and stood up. "Then why don't you explain to me _how_ I got out of that barn! HMM! Why don't you start with that, and then tell me I was just _imagining _it!" She seethed. "Tell me _how_…while I was _passed out_, did I walk myself outside and lie down on the floor. Tell me how my jacket ended up outside with me. TELL ME! If it wasn't her, then WHO did I talk to?" She challenged. "And I _know_ I saw something there, before I went into the barn. There was _something _in the woods, something red…"

Hanna finally snapped. She had listened to Emily say this very same thing for days and days and days. "Emily for God _sake! _You were probably talking to _yourself! _You were _completely _out of it! You almost _died! _The whole way home you were calling me MRS PIPPINS! You were totally half asleep. You probably _dreamed _it! And _something _red…that's hardly concrete, is it!"

"I didn't dream it. I saw her." Emily said adamantly.

"You didn't see her." Spencer said. "You saw what you _wanted _to see."

Emily made an exasperated noise. She sat down on her bed, and let out a frustrated sigh. "Listen. I don't expect you to understand. I _know _it sounds crazy, alright. I know that. But I also know what I saw, and I'm not just _hoping _for it this time. This time I really know. I know she's alive." She said as seriously as she could.

"But Em…don't you think if she was alive…you'd have found her by now?" Hanna said kindly. She sat down next to Emily and tentatively put a hand on her shoulder.

Emily shrugged her hand off. "Don't. I don't need your sympathy." She looked into the eyes of her friends with as much sincerity as she could. "I just need your help. _Please." _She was desperate, and her friends new it.

Spencer took a deep breath. She looked at Hanna, and then at Aria, and saw them nod their heads in defeat. "Okay. What can we do?" Spencer finally gave up. She could see how much it meant to Emily, and she knew she wasn't going to leave it alone until she had pursued Alison to the end of the earth. She knew she wouldn't _leave it_ until the very last doubt that the blonde was dead, had gone from her mind. If they had to help her search one more time to let her be _sure_, then they would. That's just what friends do.

"Well…I've been thinking." Emily started. The idea had been bothering her for a while, and she was beginning to get a niggling feeling that something just wasn't _right_. "Her parents…they never seemed too bothered by it all, did they? I mean, they just _left._ They didn't even look for her for that long. They haven't showed up in town since they moved out I don't know _anyone _who's heard from them. Don't you think it's a little strange that nobody knows where they went? They just seemed to…_stop_ caring."

"What are you getting at, Em?" Hanna asked.

"I don't know. I just know we've got to find them. I want to talk to them." She said with a determined expression.

**The Next Day. 24 months after Alison's disappearance**

**Two year anniversary memorial service.**

It was early evening, and Emily stood next to the podium in the middle of the park. She looked out at a sea of familiar, and unfamiliar faces. This year, there were slightly less people at the memorial. Since Alison's body had been discovered, and the town had figured out that she was really actually _dead_, not just _missing, _the whole mystery had suddenly become much less interesting. People just didn't _care_ any more. They had moved on. Emily had a feeling that this would be the last memorial the town would have, and then they would put the whole thing behind them.

They had erected a beautiful fountain in the middle of the park, in Alison's honour. It was paved in grey stone, and little dancing figures decorated the sides. Their were four benches lining the stones, making a perfectly serene place for people to come and sit down.

Emily thought that Ali would have actually quite liked it. Either that, or she would have complained that it was dull. With Ali, you never knew how she was going to take things.

Hanna had pushed and pushed for her to speak at the memorial, and despite all of Emily's complaints, she had finally been persuaded. Emily looked around at the people who had gathered to remember Alison. She saw them pull up in their cars, arriving one by one, as they made their way across the grass. In the distance, Emily spotted a pale blue convertible pull into the parking lot. She thought it looked familiar, but she couldn't place _why. _

She squinted into the distance to try and get a better look. _I know I recognise that car from somewhere. Why does it seem so familiar? Who does it belong to? _But she couldn't remember.

She turned to Spencer. "Hey…who owns that blue car?" She said, looking into the distance.

Spencer frowned. "What car?" She said. Emily looked for the space in the lot where it had been parked, but it had gone.

"Never mind." Emily said distantly. _That is so strange…it was there a moment ago._

"Come on, Em. I think everyone's here. It's time to do the speeches. You're up first." Spencer said, indicating to the gathering crowd. "You ready?" She asked.

"No, not really." Emily answered nervously. She wasn't one for public speaking, and she just wanted to get it over and done with.

She was about to step up onto the podium, when she spied a figure in a red coat standing way off in the distance. The figure had blonde hair, and looked so much like Ali that Emily stopped dead in her tracks and stared. She tried hard to make out the features of the girls face, but too many people were blocking her view.

_It can't be…who is that? Is that her? Is she here? _She tried to focus, but the figure was just too far away for her to see properly. _That red flash in the trees outside the barn…_

Hanna moved behind her, and gave her a slight push to move her forward.

"Come on, Em. Go. People are waiting." Hanna said, nudging her forwards.

Emily stalled a bit, but shuffled up onto the podium, still trying to see into the distance. The girl in the red coat was nowhere to be seen. Emily searched for her, still. She suddenly realised that everyone was staring at her, waiting for her to speak. Her friends stood in a row behind her, waiting in line to talk. She didn't realise she'd been completely off in a world of her own, and she heard a couple of people clear their throats, waiting for her to begin her speech.

The idea of the memorial, was for the people closest to Alison, to go up one after another and talk about her life. As Emily stood staring across a sea of strangers, with her speech clutched tightly in her hands, she felt a sudden rush of determination.

_I can't do this. I can't stay here, and talk about her as if she's gone…because I don't really believe that she is. This is all just pointless. I'm not going to stand here and say my last goodbyes. They might want to forget about her, but I won't. I'm still not ready…_

She looked around apologetically at her friends. "I can't. I'm…I'm sorry." She stuttered, and bolted from the podium

"Emily!" Hanna shrieked as she charged past her.

Emily ran as fast as she could away from the eyes of the very confused crowd. She darted quickly across the road, and stopped inside an alleyway. She crouched down, holding her knees with her hands, and caught her breath. She felt as if she was having a panic attack.

She didn't hear her three friends charge into the alleyway until they were almost on top of her. She stood upright, and swirled around, staring straight into the breathless faces of Hanna, Aria and Spencer.

"Emily, what the hell happened?" Spencer questioned, trying to control her breathing.

"Why'd you run away, Em?" Aria asked, at the same time.

"I…I just had to go, okay. I can't…" Emily trailed off.

"You can't what?" Hanna said.

She was about to answer, but as Emily looked up, she suddenly saw, through the gap between her friends heads, the shiny blue convertible she had seen before the memorial. It was now parked further down the street, just in front of the entrance to the graveyard. Suddenly, it dawned on Emily where she had seen it before. _That was the car that was parked in front of Alison's house…the day Maya's family moved in. _Emily gasped. Her friends looked at her with confused faces. _It wasn't Maya's car, though. It wasn't her families either. Who was parked in front of Alison's driveway? Why didn't I remember this before! Whoever owns that car must know Ali. They have to! _

Then, Emily noticed something else. Something _far _more interesting. The figure in the red coat stood next to it. It looked like the same person that had been watching the memorial. Emily still couldn't get a proper look at her face. _Is it Ali? Is she here?_

"THERE!" Emily shouted, and pointed in the direction of the car.

"What?" Hanna asked, and the four girls turned their heads to look down the street.

The figure saw them turn, and ran up to the gate which led to the graveyard. Emily watched as they pulled it open, and slipped inside. Before they had vanished completely from view, they turned, once, to look back. Emily felt a strange sensation pull at her heart. _I'm sure it's her. Does she want me to follow her? I don't even care if I'm completely wrong, and I look completely crazy…I have to follow her. _

"What, Em? It's a girl in a red coat. And a _really_ nice car." Hanna said appreciatively.

"I think it's Ali." Emily said bluntly as she rushed across the road. She started jogging down the street, ignoring her friends desperate cries for her to stop. She felt an arm grab hold of her shoulder, and realised that Hanna was trying to stop her.

"Wait, Em, stop. Please." She said, pulling Emily around to face her.

"No! Listen! I know you all think I'm insane, okay. But I _know_ what I'm doing. I need to follow that girl. Whoever she is…if it's Ali…if it's not….I just, I just need to know who they are. Don't ask me why…_please._ I just…I just _feel it, _inside." Emily said, her voice turning quiet. "Trust me, please." Emily pleaded. "Let me go…"

"Okay." Hanna said quietly. "But we're going with you, then."

"Fine." Emily answered quickly. She was grateful that her friends weren't putting up too much of a fight. At this point, she could tell that they knew they couldn't stop her from following the girl anyway.

Emily dashed down the street towards the blue car. She could see that it now sat empty next to the side of the road. The gate to the graveyard stood tall, and large, casting a long shadow over the car, and into the street. Emily noticed that the iron door was still slightly ajar, and slipped through, followed by her friends.

The sun was dimming across the horizon, and the evening darkness was beginning to creep in. Emily could see the faint outline of the moon in the sky. She made her way through the headstones and came to a stop in front of a large grey mausoleum. She glanced around, but she couldn't see the girl in the red coat anywhere. She darted her head around desperately, as she felt her friends come to stand beside her. The graveyard had a quiet eeriness about it, and Emily almost had the feeling she was being watched. The crumbling headstones stood quietly observing the four friends, as they looked around for any sign of a figure.

"Alison?" Emily called desperately, and with the very last hope she had inside of herself, she prayed for an answer.

There was nothing at first, but then, oh so quietly, came the rustle of footsteps. Emily's heart lurched inside her chest.

Emily watched as a figure stepped out from the shade of the grey, crumbling tomb. They looked like a solemn ghost, stepping out from their grave. The image of the figure in the moonlight was haunting. Emily's entire body shivered with fear. It was a fear that stemmed from years of not knowing, years of searching, and years of desperation. She had faced a crushing force of emotions, which had moulded her into an entirely different person. She felt deathly afraid that after everything, after all the fights, the arguments, and the heartbreak over losing someone she so _deeply_ cared about, that it would have all been for nothing. What if the pain she was feeling couldn't be erased?

_What if it isn't her? _Emily thought, as she tried to take in the face of the stranger. They were distinctly feminine, and had a slim, toned figure.

Her feet were muddy, and her red coat was pulled tightly around her body. The girl stood with her back to the girls, and Emily had the distinct feeling that she was choosing wether to run, or to stay. She stood with a kind of nervousness, a vulnerability that Emily couldn't quite place. It was something in the pause before she turned around, that did it. It was the way she had sighed, low and quiet, before removing her hood, and letting her long blonde hair cascade around her shoulders. Emily would know that sigh anywhere. She didn't even need the girl to turn around. Emily shivered, and the strangest sensation came over her. When she had first heard the footsteps creep out from behind the mausoleum, which loomed ominously over the four girls, she found herself _knowing_ exactly who they belonged to. She had _always _known it. She had known from the very first second that Ali had vanished, that it just couldn't be true. She wasn't dead. She would never break her promise. _Oh god, please. Please let this be real._

The figure turned around suddenly, _finally _revealing her face. Emily gasped in absolute shock. _Oh my god._

The girl flicked her long blonde hair over her shoulder, and with eyes wet with tears, she stood face to face with her old friends, for the first time in two long years.

Emily had always thought that this girl would appear to her again some day as an Angel, as a heavenly gift sent to warm her heart with promises, and kisses, and love. What she saw in front of her now…was no Angel. It was a ghost...a haunted, broken girl, with so, _so much_ sorrow in her eyes.

"Did you miss me?" Alison asked with a sad smile.

**(really long, sorry) Authors Note: guess who's back! Back again! Ali's back! Yay! well! I'm very nervous! That was the second half of emily's perspective and I know it was long! I hope it wasn't too boring I know the chapter went on and on and on, I just had a lot to put in and I wanted to give emily the chance to grow up a little bit! I'd love to know what you think of her slightly feistier new attitude! By the way, regarding Maya: I hope you don't mind that I Included her, I did try and keep it brief, even though at times I wanted to write in so many more scenes, I wanted to move past it fast. **

**I really felt that Emily needed to truly **_**try **_**and move on. Ali slept with Ian, after all, and I didn't want emily sitting around for two years feeling depressed. I wanted her to try and discover herself a bit. I know the sex scene with Maya was brief, but to be honest, it's an emison fic, and I'm saving all that detail for emison ;) so I hope you understand why their relationship was written in briefly. I really felt it was relevant! We might revisit that scene a bit later too, remember the crash outside the window? Hmm! I did think it was necessary for Emily to sleep with her though. Ali shouldn't have all the power in the relationship and by having emily discover her inner strength, they should be more on a balanced scale now. I feel that Maya helped her to achieve confidence to be who she is. I'd love to hear your opinion, I hope you didn't mind! It won't be the last we see of Alison's diary, either, by the way! That will come up later. Please let me know if there are any particular scenes you'd like to see included in the coming chapters, because I always listen!**

**What did you guys think of the barn scene? I wanted it in there and I know I played around with it a bit lol (I also know nothing about exhausts) but I hope it made sense lol! How do you think emily will be with Ali,now that she's returned? I hope you guys are still with me! I have so much more to tell in this story! Lots and lots of emison coming up! We still have Ali's POV of the disappearance and I hope you guys are still interested! I know you all tell me not to worry but I always do! You're SO kind, and you have all been so supportive. Thank you to everyone who has took the time to leave a review or a comment. I am so grateful because your opinions and comments really drive me forward! You have truly been amazing I love all of you! The next chapter is called Gone girl and I'll try and post it for you as soon as I finish it! THANK YOU so much for reviewing, you're all so nice! My Twitter is hauntedtwilight**


	24. Gone Girl - Part One

**Authors Note: argh! I am SO grateful! You honestly have no idea just how happy I am, that you guys are still enjoying this story! And that you are sticking with me through this whole disappearance thing! Thank you for coming along for the ride! I promise it'll be worth it in the end! I'm glad you guys liked the fiercer side of Emily, and I promise, she's going to stay that way! Thank you guys for understanding the Maya thing, too! I really thought she was necessary! You guys are really good at guessing what's coming up next! The person who reviewed and said the comment about the necklace…you'll see just how right you were in this next chapter! Also the person who mentioned the shawshank redemption, you are so right! That's one of my favourite films, and even though I didn't notice it while I was writing it, that quote was obviously only in my head because of that film! And I didn't even realise it! It made me laugh re reading it and realising that that was where it was from! Next up, we have Alison's version of events, which is a slightly harrowing experience. I hope you'll all get a much clearer picture of what alison went through, and finally get to hear her side! It's a two parter, and it's rather long again so I hope you guys don't mind! Once again, thanks so much for reading, because it's only your kind comments and reviews that give me the confidence to continue! I am so thankful to all of you! I really am. Here is gone girl, part one…**

Your actions are the things that make you who you are. It's what people will remember you for. No matter what you do, you'll always be remembered for your last act. Every memory people have of you is all that becomes you once you're gone.

**The night of Alison's disappearance.**

When you have dirt in your lungs, it tends to make it a little hard to scream. Unfortunately, Alison Dilaurentis found this out as she lay at the bottom of a shallow grave. She could feel the mud slapping against her skin as it fell from above. She couldn't see it, though, because her eyes were clogged shut with soil. As she started to regain consciousness, she began to realise where she was, and she screamed, louder than she had ever screamed before. The only problem was, it was all inside her head. She could feel the cold ground beneath her body, but she couldn't move. She felt another hard slap as a huge chunk of something wet, and heavy, hit her legs.

_SOMEBODY HELP ME! PLEASE! SOMEBODY! _She tried to scream out. _I CAN'T MOVE! PLEASE HELP ME, PLEASE! _Ali tried to shout again, but it was useless, her body seemed to be immobilised. She just _couldn't_ get her voice to work. She so badly wanted to cough. She could feel, and taste, the mud inside her mouth. It was sticking to her teeth, and causing a sludgy, thick substance to slip down her throat. She was choking on it. _Oh my god! Where am I? Why can't I move? Why does my head hurt? What the fuck is happening! _She panicked.

Through her dizziness, and disorientation, she was falling in and out of consciousness. She willed herself to stay awake, realising that if she didn't, something _awful _was going to happen. She felt another chunk of dirt hit her feet, and with all her strength, she forced her eyes to open. It was hard at first, considering how dazed her head was. She couldn't quite understand what was going on. She blinked away the soil, and winced as it scratched at her eyes. When she finally looked up, though, she soon realised that something awful was _already _happening.

She heard a man's grunt sound out from high above her head. Another mound of dirt slammed onto her legs, and she finally realised what was going on. Ali's brain finally caught up. Her mind clicked on, and suddenly, she remembered _everything. _The argument. The struggle. Her fathers eyes…something hitting her head…and then…nothing. Infinite blackness. Alison felt more terror in that moment, than she had ever felt in her entire life.

_I'm being buried alive. That's what's happening. He hit me. But I'm still alive. Does he think I'm dead? I can't breathe! Can't he see me! I'm still alive! Where is my mom? Is she okay? Oh my god…Please…_

Through her blurred vision, she could only just make out the shadowy outline of a figure standing above her. They moved in and out of view as she tried to open her mouth to speak. She felt another pile of dirt hit her chest, hard. Her lungs were already clogged with the dirt which was slowly slipping down her throat, and the added pressure of the wet soil being piled on top of her was only aiding the suffocation she was experiencing.

_PLEASE! Look at me! I'm alive! I'm ALIVE! _She thought desperately. _He can't do this to me! He can't! I need help. I can't last much longer…_

Ali tried to move her fingertips. She was surprised that she actually _could_ move two of the fingers on her right hand. She twisted them round, freeing her hand a little. Her other arm was numb, and she realised that it was pinned underneath her body firmly. She manoeuvred her right hand into the pocket of her jeans. It was a struggle, as her body was still recovering from the blow to her head. Her motion was severely limited, too, by the pressure of the dirt. It now covered almost her entire body. She could feel it piling up against her neck, ready to envelop her face.

She wiggled her fingers, searching her pocket, and tried to grip her phone. To her relief, she could feel it's cold outline. Her fingers flexed across the buttons, struggling to move in the confined space. She pressed down, _hard_ on the number three. Or at least, where she _hoped_ the number three was, and speed dialled the only person she could think of that could help her. Cece. She was the only person that would understand that the silence on the other end of the line meant that she was in trouble. At least, that was what Ali hoped. She couldn't hear if the phone connected or not, because by this point, her entire body was underneath the soil. The only part of her that was still above ground, was her face.

_I can't believe this is how it ends. I always knew he would kill me, one day. Just not like this…please…anything but this. _She thought. She looked up again, trying to see her father one more time. She still hoped that if she could at least catch his eye, he would stop. She _desperately _hoped he would stop.

Ali heard muffled voices, suddenly. To her relief, she could just make out the sound of her mother. _Thank god! He didn't hurt her! She's okay! She's come to help me! She won't let him do this! MOM! MOM…I'M DOWN HERE! HELP ME PLEASE! _She screamed inside her head. She felt her body retch as it tried to choke up the mud inside her throat, but it was no use. Ali felt like she was drowning in dirt.

All of a sudden, she saw a second figure appear next to her shallow grave. She was desperately relieved to realise that it was her mom. Her eyes were still thick with wet mud, but she recognised her mothers slim frame. She couldn't see her father, but she heard his voice, low and gruff, talking to her mom.

_Why is she talking to him! Can't she see what's going on! CAN'T YOU SEE ME? Mommy please…_

"Are you _sure?" _Alison heard her mother say. Her father said something in response, but Ali couldn't quite make it out. The dirt inside her ears was making the voices duller with every passing second.

_MOM! I'm right here! Help me! Please help me! PLEASE!_

_"_Ken, it's the only way." Her mother said, from far above her. "Should we have made it deeper?"

Then, Alison finally heard her father speak. "Just do it. Quickly." He answered. Ali could only make out half the conversation, and didn't have a clue what was going on.

Ali felt another mound of soil hit her face, covering her mouth. Her eyes were heavy, and she strained to breathe through her nose as the dirt splashed across her cheeks. _I'm about to die. I'm about to die, and he's going to kill me. _

Her eyes flickered open one more time, and she saw, to her horror, that it wasn't her father holding the shovel. At first she thought that through her blurred, tainted vision, she was just seeing things. Because what she saw just _couldn't _be true. Her mother wasn't the monster, her _father _was. So what was _she_ doing holding the shovel? Alison couldn't believe it. A sick, cold feeling crept through her body, turning it numb as the pain of what she was witnessing materialised in her brain. Her heart shattered into a thousand pieces. _My mother is helping him. She's helping him bury me…_

Ali tried to scream again, but it was no use. To her parents standing above her, she must have looked absolutely dead. Her eyes were half open, and her body didn't move. The only part of her that could function properly was her mind. Ali wished in that moment that she could shut it off, too. She didn't want to _know _what was happening to her, or why. She didn't want to know that the people who were supposed to love her more than _anything _else in the world... were so callously casting her aside. They were choosing to get rid of her…rather than help her.

She felt betrayal on the worst kind of level, and in that moment, a moment which Ali realised would be her last on this Earth, she felt no hatred, and no malice. The only thing she felt as she watched her mothers tear stained face cover the last remaining part of her body with dirt…was fear. Ali felt the darkness as it enveloped her body in a crushing, forceful, and final wave. She closed her eyes and surrendered to the pressure of the Earth, as it slowly suffocated her to death.

**Seven and a half minutes later.**

Alison had always been strong willed. She had always been a determined, ferocious force. She could reduce someone to tears with nothing but a glare, but as she lay dying under the Earth, she felt useless, and weak. She felt as if all the power inside her body had evaporated, and taken her soul with it. She couldn't even process what she had just witnessed her parents doing to her…she was too busy trying to breathe.

When she had first closed her eyes, and let the awful reality of the situation wash over her, she had given up. But somewhere between the crushing weight of the dirt on her chest, and the taste of the soil in her mouth, she had had a single thought: _I don't want to die like this. _

Her human instinct to survive, had refused to let her stop trying to breathe. She felt her lungs gasping desperately for air, even though there was none, and she felt a sudden surge of adrenaline kick in. _I can't die like this. I can't. _The pain inside her throat from the lack of oxygen was intensifying by the second, and Ali knew that if she didn't find air soon, she would die. She didn't know where the strength came from, or if it was just an automatic response from her body, as it tried not to die, but the bottom half of her slim frame pushed up inside the Earth. She couldn't move her shoulders, because they were too firmly pinned down, but she realised to her relief, that somehow, she could still wiggle her legs, a bit. She kicked up a little, trying to get her knees to push the dirt away, and to her surprise, it actually worked. A small air pocket must have been trapped down by her feet, because she felt soft soil pour down on top of her ankles as she manoeuvred her legs upwards. She felt the soil shift, slightly, as it fell away from her body, and trickled down her sides. Ali twisted her chest, now, as she realised that she might actually be able to make some room under the cold ground for her body to use._ Yes. It worked. I can do this. I can. I'm still alive. _She thought desperately.

At the realisation that she actually wasn't as trapped as she thought, Alison's mind kicked into full gear. She squeezed her eyes shut, and heaved her shoulders upwards as hard as she could, pushing against the hard impacted Earth above her. She felt it break, and managed to shift her body up, slightly. She took in a small sip of limited oxygen as the soil shifted to reveal a small air pocket. She was finally able to slide the arm that had been pinned behind her back, out from underneath her. It tingled from the pressure of her body lying on it for so long, and an unpleasant sensation of pins and needles shot through it. Ali didn't care, though. That was the least of her worries.

Ali twisted her head to the side, trying to find air in the enclosed space. She felt the dirt from above fall down against her cheeks, and suddenly realised what she needed to do. _If the dirt is falling from above, then that means there's space up there. If the dirt can fall, still, then it means it's not as firm as the rest. I can use the space to climb up. If I push through it, maybe I can get out. _Ali hoped, as a surge of determination washed over her. She snaked her arm up, and across her chest, and lay for a split second, trying to get the courage to move.

_If I try this, and it doesn't work…I'm dead. I've only got one shot. If I stop at any point, the soil is going to pour down on top of me, and I won't be able to stop it. I can't stop. Whatever happens. Just keep going. _

Any other person, would have died in that grave. But not Alison. Her desire to survive, and her sheer determination, were what saved her life. She was a force that could never be tamed, and even death wouldn't take her without a fight. As she pushed up through the soil, using the last ounce of strength inside her body, her mind went blank. She blocked out everything else, and focused only on _surviving. _She pushed, and struggled, and fought, until finally…_finally_, her fingertips broke the soil above ground. They strained upwards, towards the sky, and she felt herself climb. She struggled for only minutes, but it seemed like _hours._ First, her hand managed to reach out, and then her arm, and then finally, both arms clawed to find something to grip on to, just barely above the soil. She felt it tumble down around her, as it filled the space her frantic scrambling had made.

This was when Ali panicked. She just _couldn't_ get her body to climb any higher. The mud had turned to mush beneath her feet due to her struggling, and she couldn't pull her body up any further. She felt her lungs straining again for oxygen, and she knew that this time, there would be none. Her fingers began to go limp, as she felt unconsciousness again come to claim her. She had no final thoughts as she slipped away.

Just as she was about to finally succumb to the pressure of the dirt, and the cold, and the horror, she felt a strong hand grip hers. Ali's eyes tried to open in surprise, but the dirt was once again filtering in to every part of her that it could reach. She felt the fingers high above her head, clutch at her hand as they hauled her upwards, once. Ali felt her body shift, and slide up, causing the dirt around her to fall rapidly into the space below her. _Oh god. They've come to help me. They came back to save me. They don't hate me, after all. They realised I was alive. _Ali thought.

She felt another hand above her grip her forearm and tug again, pulling her roughly through the soil, and her head broke the surface for the first time in what felt like an eternity. Whoever was helping her, took her under both arms, and pulled her up, and out of the grave. She tried to take a gulp of air, but she was choking on too much soil. Ali felt the hands let go of her, and drop her unceremoniously onto the ground. Ali felt her heartbeat drum loudly inside her head. She could feel the oxygen seeping back into her body, slowly, as she lay on the cold, wet ground.

She reached inside her mouth, and using her fingers, she scraped out as much of the dirt as she could, spitting it out onto the floor. She coughed roughly, hacking up as much of the soil as she could, and finally, _finally_, she could breathe. She used her shaking hands to wipe the dirt from her eyes, but they were still clouded over. Ali worried that her cornea was scratched from the amount of grit in her eyes. Her face felt sore, and scratched, and tender. She struggled to see through the brown fog clouding her vision. She tried to look around for her mother and father. She had thought they'd come back and pulled her out, but she couldn't see them. She couldn't see _anyone._

_Who helped me? Where are they? Where did they go? Did I imagine someone there? Did I pull myself out? There's nobody here…I must have pulled myself out. I must be delirious. I need oxygen. I need to breathe. _She thought, taking large, deep breaths through her dirt clogged airways.

Ali scrambled to her feet, and shakily stood up. She staggered forward a couple of steps before finding her footing. She reached down, and used the underside of her yellow top to try and wipe the remainder of the mud away from her eyes. It was hard, her top was so caked in dirt that there was barely any clean area left. She did manage to get a lot of it, though. It was then, when her eyes were finally clear, that Ali realised where she was. She was standing in the middle of the woods. _They took me out here…to get rid of me._ _Then they left…they left me out here to rot._

Ali turned around slowly, and stared in horror at the shallow grave she had just crawled out of. It sat, black and endless, like a gaping mouth...a horrendous doorway to hell inside the Earth. _They buried me...they buried me in that thing. _Ali thought. The sight of it terrified her, and she had to turn away.

She shuddered as her head swam with another wave of dizziness. She reached out to touch the back of her head, and when she pulled her hand away, she saw dried blood. She could feel it matted against her hair, clumping it together in thick strands. _That's where he hit me with the glass…_Ali thought, remembering her fathers rage. She gingerly touched the wound, and sure enough, she could feel the gritty, sharp texture of tiny glass fragments which were still partially embedded in it. Ali grimaced, and winced in pain as she pulled them out, one by one. With shaky fingers, which were now covered in fresh blood, she dropped them on to the floor. She felt her eyes brim with tears as she started walking. _I just need to go. Get me away. I can't be here, any more. It's over. I'm done._

**Twenty minutes later.**

Alison walked along the side of the road. Her body was covered in dirt, her hair was matted with blood, and her face was blank. Her steps were stumbling, and zombie like, and her eyes were dead. She looked like a ghost, walking the lonely highway in a daze as she tried to get as far away from Rosewood as possible. She walked up the road, and started crossing the bridge which held the _Now Leaving Rosewood _sign, and she closed her eyes in relief. _Get me out. Just get me away._

It was then, as she was stumbling along, that a pale blue convertible screeched to a stop next to her. Ali didn't even notice it, she was so far gone in her mind that she just continued walking. She didn't hear the noise of the tires, the loud beep of the horn, or even the sound of her name as Cece Drake slammed her car door, and grabbed her arm, spinning her around.

"_Alison?" _She gasped in shock.

Ali stared, blank eyed, as her mind tried to process the presence of her friend. Cece looked Ali up and down, as she took in her appearance.

"Ali…what the FUCK! Are you okay…what's wrong, _why_ are you covered in dirt? What the fuck happened?" She exclaimed in a worried voice. She could tell that something truly awful had happened.

Ali continued to stare. In a monotone, flat voice, she answered. "I need to go."

"Ali! _WHAT _HAPPENED?" Cece shouted fiercely. She tried to grab Alison's shoulder to comfort her, but Ali staggered backwards, not wanting to be touched.

"I need to go." She said again, in the same flat voice.

Cece glanced around. "I got your phone call. I couldn't hear anything. I thought you were in trouble, so I tracked your phone." She looked at Ali's bloody hands, and her face clouded over. "What did you do, Ali?" She whispered cautiously. Ali realised that she must look as if she'd just murdered someone. She could see why Cece would ask. It wasn't funny at all, but the irony of the question wasn't lost on her. _What did I do…I'm dead, that's what I did. I died. I'm not really here._

Ali laughed, then. Only once, but Cece could see the desperation in it. "Alison what's so funny? This isn't funny! You need to tell me what's going on _right now_. Why do you look like this…" She gestured to Alison's body. Ali shivered, and gripped her bare arms.

"Just get me out. Take me away, _please." _Ali said sadly.

She saw Cece's eyes flicker over her hands. They were covered in blood at the knuckles, where she had scratched the skin crawling out of her grave. Her fingernails were caked in dirt, and her nails were ragged, and red raw.

Cece reached out to touch her arm, but Ali pulled back again.

"No. Alison. You need to go to a hospital. Like, right now. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you, but you need help." Cece said sternly.

Cece tried to grab hold of Ali's arm again, and this time, she succeeded. Ali wasn't quick enough to pull away. She tried to drag Alison over to the car, but the blonde wrenched her arm free.

"No! I'm leaving. Don't touch me, _please!" _Ali screamed desperately. "You don't understand, Cece, PLEASE." She tried to run. She stumbled, and fell against the floor as she tried to scramble away. Cece was right behind her. "I can't go to a hospital. I need to _leave, now!"_ She cried. In her current state, Ali had no strength to even walk, let alone run. She lay on the floor, her arms trying to push herself up, as Cece came to kneel down next to her.

"All right." She said softly. "Okay, Ali, it's okay. We won't. I'll get you out. Just…don't run. You're not…you're not right. Whatever's happened…just, calm down. You're okay, now. Just let me help you. We won't go to a hospital. Just, don't run. Please. You need to come with me." She whispered, placing her hand on Alison's back to try and calm her down. The blonde was breathing heavily. Cece saw the cut on the back of Alison's head for the first time.

"Ali…you're bleeding." She said with horror.

Ali shook. She looked up at the _Now Leaving Rosewood _sign. It was only a few hundred yards away. Her eyes burned, and tears threatened to fall at any moment, but all she could think about, was getting past that sign. She just wanted to be as far away from the town as possible. Away from her mother, and her father, and that horrific gaping hole in the woodland floor.

"It's fine. It's closed. The blood has already dried." Ali said hoarsely. _It's an old wound, now. How long was I lying there, in the ground? Before they decided to start burying me? How long was I unconscious? Did they decide to get rid of my body while I was still at home? Did they even check if I was still breathing? When did they decide not to call an ambulance? When did my mother agree to do this to me? When did she stop loving me? _Ali's mind raced with a thousand horrible questions. She pulled herself to her feet, allowing Cece to help her up. She turned to her friend, and looked as sincerely as she could into her eyes. _She came to get me. She actually came when I called…_"Thank you, for coming to get me._ Thank you." _She said, as the tears started to spill from her eyes, onto her cheeks. She could feel the mud in her eyes loosening as the tears started to wash it away.

"Ali...it's alright. Whatever it is. I'm here. Okay. I'm here. And we'll go…if that's what you want. If you want to get out…then I'll take you out. I promise." Cece said, her voice full of worry.

Ali nodded, and finally started to cry. She reached out, and wrapped both her arms around Cece's neck. She sobbed long and hard into Cece's shoulder, as she held her dearly. Cece was shocked at first. She had never seen Alison act this way. She wasn't used to seeing any vulnerability from her, and seeing her cry, was jarring. She tentatively brought a hand up to rest on the small of Ali's back, comforting her.

After a couple of minutes, Ali finally stopped crying. Cece pulled back to look at her. Ali wiped her eyes, and stared back, her eyes haunted by a fear that Cece couldn't place.

"Are you ready?" Cece asked carefully, not really knowing what to say.

"Hold on…" Ali said. She walked slowly over to the side of the bridge.

She looked over at the water, running calmly, far below her. Ali could taste the mud inside her mouth and she began to cough, again. She crouched down on the ground as her stomach lurched. She could feel the gravel on the ground crunch against her scratched knees. She retched, and threw up a fountain of mud, and thick brown sludge. She coughed through it, sputtering the last remains of her grave onto the cold floor. Her eyes watered again, and she stood up. Cece stayed back, not daring to come near her. She took one last look over the side of the bridge, and reached up to her neck. The silver heart necklace hung around it like a choker. It was relatively light, but to Ali, in that moment, it felt like it weighed a ton. It represented all the oppression, the control, and the dominance in her life. Ali tore it from her neck, violently snapping the chain. She closed her fist around the silver heart. As she watched her hand close over it, she realised how significant the image of it was. Her own heart had been broken by the very thing this necklace represented, and she despised it. She was grateful as her fingers closed around it, making the heart disappear. _There is no love left in my life. _Ali thought.

Ali wrenched the matching ring from her finger, and clutched it in the hand that held the necklace, too. She pulled her phone out of her pocket, giving it one last look before she added it to the hand that held the jewellery. _I don't want anything that reminds me of tonight. I don't want any object in this world. I just want to be gone. _She thought.

As she lifted her arm up, and hurled the objects into the river as far as she could throw them, she felt free for the first time in her life. She had rid her body of the dirt, the mud, and the cold dead Earth, and now her heart was gone, too. _Everything can just wash away. Go…just wash away with the river, and leave me to my grief._ She thought.

Ali turned back to face Cece. "I'm ready to go, now." She said seriously, in a quiet, determined voice.

As she clambered into the front seat of Cece's blue convertible, she lay back against the seat and closed her eyes. She could feel Cece staring at her, but she didn't open her eyes. She didn't open them until they had been driving for at least five minutes…until they were well past the sign. When she finally did open them, a single thought passed through her mind.

_I am no longer Alison Dilaurentis. _

As a single tear made its way down her cheek... she fell into a catatonic daze.

**One month since Alison's disappearance**

"Ali…Ali you have got to talk to me about it. Do you have any idea how serious this is?" Cece shouted. "You can't just _sit there! _You have to _speak _to me. Please! Just say _something!" _

Ali sat at the window of Cece's rented apartment in Ravenswood. She had her head resting in her hand, and she was watching the birds fly high above the rooftops. They were gliding in between the large buildings, diving to and fro as they enjoyed the breeze, and the sunshine. Ali stared at them, her face blank.

"ALISON!" Cece shouted. She snapped her fingers in front of the blondes face, but Ali didn't answer. She hadn't spoken a word since the night on the bridge.

"Ali…the _entire_ town of Rosewood is looking for you. You do know that, right? You do understand how important this is? The _police, _Alison. The police are looking for you. Don't you think you should at _least _tell me why?"

Cece sat opposite Ali, and stared at her. She worried deeply for her friend, who hadn't said a thing for the entire month. Cece had been deeply shocked to see Ali in the state she had been in when she found her on the bridge. She had taken her home, and patched her up as well as she could, but the only noise she'd heard from her had been a slight gasp as she had pulled the last remaining piece of glass from the back of her head. It had taken Cece two hours to get it all out, and all the while Ali had sat there, staring into space. She hadn't even spoken when she had got into the shower. She just removed all her clothes slowly, and stood there naked, while the blood and dirt ran in black and red torrents away from her body. It had taken over an hour and a half to get all the dirt off, and even as the water ran cold, Ali hadn't made a sound. Cece had had to physically remove her from the shower, and put her into bed, otherwise she would have stayed under the cold spray, shivering. She had thought about taking Ali to the hospital, despite her protests, but she was too afraid that the blonde would run. And Cece didn't want her going _anywhere _alone in the current state she was in. The two had always looked out for one another, and Cece could tell that something deeply horrible had happened to her friend. She had decided to wait it out, and hope that eventually, Ali would snap out of it. But she hadn't. She had stayed in the apartment, only coming out of the spare room to sit occasionally by the window. Cece had just about had enough of it.

"You know, I went there to check what was happening. _Everyone _is worried about you, Ali. Your parents…your friends…everyone." She said quietly. She noticed Alison turn her head away at the word _parents. _

"Ali…you do understand that this could get us both in a lot of trouble, right? It's a _missing persons _investigation. If they catch you here they're going to think I kidnapped you or something. I mean…I don't care about that. You know you can stay here as long as you need to. But people are starting to think you're _dead, _Ali. You _need _to tell me why. I need to know what happened." She bargained. "And I'm getting _really_ tired of talking to _myself!"_

As she was met with another wall of silence, Cece sighed in frustration, and used the last remaining trick she could think of, to get Ali to speak.

"People have started to give up…Ali. When I went to Rosewood, I watched everyone. I went to the town meeting. There were _so many _people there. But you can't do this to them. You can't just disappear. You can't see what it's doing to them. I saw…I saw what it was doing to Emily, too. You have no idea, Ali…" She trailed off.

She had seen Emily screaming and shouting, and being hauled out of the town hall by her friends. The meeting had ended with the police deciding that they didn't need to keep checking the woods, and Emily had flipped out. She had wanted them to check again, and they wouldn't, and Cece had seen her be physically removed from the building. She had followed Emily that night as she had gone into the woods to search for Alison by herself, and had seen her throw at least two punches at Spencer as she'd been dragged back home by her friends.

Alison's head snapped up at the mention of Emily's name. "What? What do you mean?" She asked.

Cece jumped in shock. She hadn't expected it to actually work. "YES! Thank fuck for that! I had a feeling that would do it! Ali, oh my god. Thank god. Do you have any idea how worried I've been? I thought you'd gone _mental _or something. For fuck sake Alison, you scared the crap out of me!" Cece exclaimed. She clutched her hand to her chest.

"What do you _mean_, Cece? About Emily?" Alison asked again forcefully, ignoring her friends happy expression.

Cece sighed. "She's not doing so well, Ali." Cece said carefully. "None of them are. Don't you think you should go back? You can't leave things like this. It's not fair."

Ali scoffed. "Nothing is fair…" She trailed off, her eyes clouding over again as she drifted away inside her mind.

"Alison. Tell me what happened...please." Cece said desperately.

Cece tried to get her to speak again, but she wouldn't. Ali had put her barrier back up, and retreated back behind her wall of silence.

**Three months after Alison's disappearance.**

It had been a slow, painful process, but Ali had finally started speaking. Not about that night, though. That night was strictly off limits. Little by little, day by day, she communicated more and more with Cece. The most that she had managed to get out of Alison about the night she had picked her up on the bridge, was that somebody had hurt her, and that she needed to hide. That was all Ali had given to her. It wasn't anything Cece didn't already know, though. It was already obvious that someone had hurt her, the blood in her sink after Cece had picked the glass out of her hair had told her that much. She didn't push Ali, though. By now, everybody thought Alison was dead, and it was a conclusion that Ali seemed to be quite happy with.

"You can't do this anymore." Cece stood in front of Alison, as she sat at the windowsill, and glared.

"Do what" Ali answered.

"Sit there all day and all night doing _nothing. _You're going to turn into one of those gargoyles on the side of that church in France." Cece said sarcastically as she took off her coat. She had been out for most of the day, and had come home to find Alison in exactly the same place she had been when she had left her in the morning.

"The Notre Dame isn't a church, it's a Cathedral." Alison answered flatly.

_And I'm not doing nothing, I'm watching. I'm sure I saw a flash a few moments ago. I'm sure someone is taking pictures. Is someone watching me? Is someone taking pictures, down there? _Ali squinted into the alleyway across the street, but she couldn't see any one.

"Whatever, same difference. My _point_ is…you can't just sit there and stare at the street all day like a crazy person. Alison, you need to go out. You hardly sleep, you don't eat, and you sit there _constantly_. Honestly hun, it's getting a little boring." Cece chirped.

Alison ignored her. "Do you think someone's taking pictures? I thought I saw a flash…" Ali wondered, moving her head sideways, as if she was hiding.

"Honestly, Ali, all you need right now is a pair of binoculars and you're that guy from the movie _disturbia._" Cece said, eyeing her friend cautiously.

"That guy turned out to be right, in the end, you know." Ali said absently, as she continued to spy on the street.

"Whatever! He still went crazy first! You need to get out of this apartment, Ali. It's not healthy hiding up here all day."

"If you want me to leave, just say so." Ali said without looking up from her place at the window.

"Of _course _I don't want you to go! Don't be ridiculous!" Cece said kindly. She moved to sit next to Ali next to the window. "But you know you can't keep this up forever, right?"

Ali glanced at her. She looked Cece up and down. Cece had told her she was going shopping to buy some clothes for her. But she hadn't been holding any bags when she had entered the apartment. "Where are the shopping bags?" Alison queried suspiciously.

Cece took a deep breath. "Ali…" she started, not knowing quite how to tell her where she had been. "Listen…I didn't go shopping today, okay."

"Okay?" Ali frowned, not knowing where the conversation was leading.

"I went back…I went to Rosewood." Cece said cautiously. Ali whirled her head around.

"I know, okay. I know. I get that you don't want me to. But I need to tell you what's going on. You can't hide from it forever, Ali. Pretending that nothing's going on isn't going to work for much longer. I…I went to the memorial. I saw your empty casket. Alison, you _can't _keep this up. Do you have any idea how many people were there? The whole _town _showed up, Ali. Everyone misses you."

"They don't miss me. They just came for the show." Ali answered.

"That's not true! Ali, you have no idea what's going on. You _can't _know, because you've just been sitting here, ignoring it. They've stopped looking for you, Ali. They've finally given up."

"Good." Ali said. _Good. I want them to think I'm dead. I want them to forget me. My presence is poisonous. Even my own parents hated me…_

Cece slammed her hands down on the table, shocking Alison. "ALI! For the love of GOD, if you don't tell me what the fuck happened _right now_, then I am calling your parents. I should have done it a month ago. I know I said I'd always be there for you, and I AM, but for Christ sake, this is above and beyond. How the hell am I supposed to help you, if you won't TELL ME what the fuck is going on! It's been three months! And I'm hiding you here as if it's doing you a favour, which it's clearly _not! _Now I've been more than patient with you. But this is it. You need to tell me what happened, or I WILL call them. I don't care if I get in trouble for hiding you, because at this point…you need _help_, and I'm sure as hell not helping. I thought it might do you good to chill for a while, and process _whatever _it is that's made you run from that place, but it's done you no good at all. You can't just IGNORE THIS!" She shouted, slamming her hands down on the table again. "NOW. ALISON. TELL ME RIGHT NOW." She ordered.

Ali looked at her in shock. _She can't call my parents. Anything but that. They can't know I'm alive. They can't know. I need to stay dead._

"Okay." Ali said quietly. _God, I knew I'd have to say something at some point. How the fuck do I explain this. "_Just promise me…my parents can _never_ find out that I'm alive. Swear it to me, Cece."

"Why? Ali…they're your parents. They love you. Why are you doing this to them?" Cece frowned, but she could feel that her outburst had finally touched a nerve with Alison.

"Because this…" Ali touched the back of her head gingerly. The scar had healed, but it was still painful to touch, even after three months. "They gave me this…"

Cece sat down, and listened to Alison _finally _reveal the details of the night she had run away.

**Five months after Alison's disappearance.**

_It's been five months, and I've still not left this apartment. When Cece made me tell her what happened, I thought all my feelings would just go away…and that I could become someone else, but it didn't work out that way. I'm sitting here, by the windowsill, still. It took me a long time to realise it, but if I'm going to start changing my life, then I need to start with myself. I need to start being __honest __with myself. That's why I've decided to start a new diary. Cece let me borrow one of her old college notebooks. It's a little strange, without the invisible ink to hide behind. The words look so…__real __on the paper, now. I can't hide anything. But I think I'm done hiding my feelings. I think it's about time I faced them. I think it's about time, for once, that I said the truth about who I really am. So that's what I'm doing. I don't know if it'll help, or if it's just a waste of time. All I know is, it's time to be honest. This is the first step I need to take._

_The problem I have __always __had…is that I've always been far too in love with myself to even contemplate loving another person. I was totally, and completely, obsessed with myself. More so, in fact, with the way other people saw me. It took me a long time to realise it, and I wish I'd figured it out sooner. I wish I hadn't been so…selfish. Because being on your own…it really sucks. Being dead wasn't so hard, at first. It was quite easy, really. You just go. You go to a place far, far away, and you wait until everybody forgets you. It doesn't take long…maybe a couple of months. By then, you're old news. _

_I can't believe how utterly stupid I have been in my life. I pushed away every single person that could have possibly cared about me. I shoved them away, even. When I first decided to be dead, I thought it would mean that I could finally stop being me. I thought it would take everything away. All the pain, and hurt, and abuse…I thought I could forget it all…just curl up into a ball, and ignore it…until there was nothing remaining of me to be remembered. Once other people forgot about me…surely that would mean I wouldn't exist, any more. And I don't want to exist. I hate myself. I hate everything about the person I am…the person I was._

_I finally told Cece what happened. I had to, really. She threatened me with calling __them. __And I knew I had to tell her. Honestly, it was a relief. I had bottled it all up for so long, that it all just came rushing out of me. I told her __everything. __She was shocked, of course…but she stood by me. I'll never forget that. She looked after me, and took care of me, and let me stay in her apartment for as long as I needed. I will never, ever forget what she's done for me. I owe her everything. _

_Cece told me that Jason moved away. Thank god he's not with my parents. I'm glad he got out. They're probably glad to be rid of him, too. Now they have no children to complicate their life. Cece doesn't understand why I won't go to the police and tell them what happened. But why would I? So they can put me in foster care? Give me to another family that can beat the crap out of me? No thanks. And my parents…if I can call them that. Those vile monsters that put me in the ground...It's better I just let them go. Let them run away. I don't even care where they are…they left my old house, apparently. God knows where they've gone. If they found out I was alive…I wouldn't be safe. I think if my father found out that I wasn't in that grave, in the woods…then he'd kill me. Or surely, everyone would find out what they'd done. That's what he would think. He'd need to get rid of me to make sure his secret was safe. Fuck…I don't even know. I don't even know what they'd do. That's why they can __never __find out that I'm alive. Nobody can. _

_The first three months I was here…I couldn't even speak. I don't know what happened, really. I didn't even know it had been three months. I lost track of the days, somewhere. It took me a long time to process the reality of what had happened to me, and a long time to come to terms with it. I've spent most of my life talking. Either bitching about people, or stirring up trouble, or making horrible comments. It was nice to be silent, for a while. It helps you realise who you truly are. Once you shut your mouth, and stop talking…that's when you realise some home truths about yourself. And boy, did I realise some things. _

_Number one. I am a horrible human being. I treated everyone terribly. I think I always knew I was doing it, but I never realised the affect it had on __other __people. I only ever thought about how it made __me __feel. It was always about me. I could blame my parents…but to be honest, I think a small part of me enjoyed the power I had over other people. Being on my own those first three months, with just my thoughts…it's changed me. I finally had time away from everyone to just __think__. Nobody was looking at me, nobody was judging me, and there was nobody to impress. I only had myself to answer to. I don't know how to even begin to apologise for the things I've done to people…and it's too late now. It's too late, isn't it._

_The second thing that I realised about myself, is that I am a coward. I never realised just how afraid I was until I crawled out of that grave. Feeling the dirt in my lungs…it made me see that I was the one who had got myself to that point. If I'd have changed my behaviour sooner, maybe everybody wouldn't hate me so much. My father hated me so much that he murdered me. He actually despised me. Who could blame him. I was always so afraid of him. If I'd just had the courage to tell someone what was going on at home, then I might not have ended up this way. I might have been safe. But I didn't want anyone's help. I was too afraid of what they'd think of me. I was a fool. I used my anger, and my hatred for my parents, to make other people feel as small as I did. And that's about the most cowardly thing you could do. _

_I'm starting to really miss my friends. I thought it would be easy to just go…but it wasn't. It was easier the first couple of months, because I was so busy trying to process what happened, that I didn't really think about anything else. Or anyone. I guess being selfish is kinda one of my traits though. I'm glad I finally snapped out of it. I'm glad I was able to get __some __feeling back, at least. I thought I'd leave rosewood, and never look back, I thought it would be easy. But it's not. There's a pull, there. There's just too much I left behind. There's so many unanswered questions…_

_Which brings me to the last thing that I need to admit. And admitting it…is still hard. But I need to face the facts. And…it is a fact. Despite all the things I said before. That other diary…the one that was hidden…it was just another place for me to hide. It was another place where…I could just…pretend. I don't want to pretend any more. I can't. It's been months, and it hasn't gone away. I can lie to the world…I can lie to my friends…I can even lie to her…but I can't lie to __myself__, any more. I love Emily. I am in love with her. I've always known it, inside, but I've never had the time to just…__realise __it. It's about time I admitted it. And so, there it is. I love her. I'm not sure what that makes me…but it doesn't change anything. It doesn't change my feelings. Pretending it isn't true won't make it go away. And you know what? Being on my own all this time…I'm not so sure I want that feeling to go away, any more. When it's just you…and your thoughts, it gets lonely. You know who I've been thinking about __all __this time? Her. I miss her. I don't deny that I'm still attracted to boys, and I don't like any other girls, so it's a bit confusing. But one thing I'm not confused about, any more…is that I like her. I really, really do. I've always been in love with her, it just took me a long time to realise it. Like I said before, I think I was too busy loving __myself __to be able to love any one else. God, I would do anything to see her, again. She has this way about her…she would make everything better. She would. But I can't. She's better off without me._

_She doesn't deserve someone like me. She deserves better. I played around with her, I messed with her feelings, and God…I was __so __awful. Now that I'm gone, I bet she's happier without me. As I sit here, staring out at the world, I wish with all my heart, day after agonising day, that I'd told her the truth. I wish I'd told her what an amazing person she is. And how much I appreciated her. But I didn't, did I? I pushed her away. And I'll be forever regretful. Because I can never take it back. I'll never get the chance to even say sorry. I'll never have the chance to tell her what a fool I was for losing someone as amazing as that. I love her in exactly the same way that she loves me. It's funny, isn't it...you never know what you've got until it's gone. _

Ali placed her pen down, and took a deep breath. It had taken a _lot_ of courage to write her feelings down, and she was surprised she had managed to do it. She had spent most of her life hiding, and having something like that down on paper for all to see, was a huge step towards being more honest. And that was something Alison was very much trying to achieve. Ali smiled.

"Hey blondie, what are you grinning at?" Cece asked. She had been making dinner in the small kitchen of the apartment, and had wandered over to where Alison was sitting.

Ali didn't answer, she just held the notebook out to Cece with a serious expression.

Cece frowned. "What? You want me to read it? That's a first." She chirped.

"It's this new thing I'm trying." Ali answered. "Being honest." She was slightly nervous, but she knew that Cece reading it, would mean she was finally allowing herself to tell the truth about how she really felt.

"All right." Cece said with a confused expression. She sat down opposite Ali and began to read the diary entry. Ali knew by the surprised expression on her face, that she had got to the part about Emily. Cece didn't say anything, she just kept reading. Finally, after a few minutes, she placed the notebook on the table.

Cece took hold of Alison's hand, and looked her in the eye kindly. Ali wanted to look away. She was suddenly quite embarrassed. She wasn't used to having her feelings so on show. "Alison…" She started. "Don't _ever_ let me hear you say you hate yourself again."

Ali looked down, sadly. "I do."

"Well you _shouldn't!" _Cece answered forcefully. "And just so you know…I am _so _proud of you. You might think I'm clueless, but I know how hard it was for you to show me that." She indicated to the notebook.

Ali nodded in agreement. She tried to stop the tears as they began to fall slowly from her eyes. "There are so many things I _hate_ about myself, Cece. There are so many things I've done…" Her voice broke. "So many people I've hurt…I can _never_ take it all back…" Ali broke down, crying softly into her hands. Cece reached over, and placed an arm around her neck. She pulled her close for a hug as she let Ali sob quietly into her shoulder.

"Sweetie. I think it's time we had a little chat, don't you?" She said quietly. She knew what was really wrong with Ali, and she needed to find a way to get her to finally talk openly with her about it.

"Chat about what?" Ali said in a hoarse voice. She wiped her eyes with her sleeve.

"Oh, come on, Ali. You _know_ what. We need to talk about Emily. I mean…that's the reason for all this guilt, right?" She asked. "I mean…I know I spoke to you about her before…before all _this_. But it doesn't sound like you handled it very well."

Ali sighed. _Guilt isn't the word for how I feel about what I did to her. I am so, so sorry for causing her pain. She's the last person in the world to ever deserve it. I can't ever take it back. How do I even begin to make up for it? I can't. There's nothing I can do. _

"I miss her, Cece." Ali said sadly. "It's not just her that I feel guilty about…but yeah, I do feel terrible about it. I handled it _so _badly. I just…I feel so guilty. I can't take it back. I miss her so, so much.

"I know you do. I can see that." Cece replied. "But Ali…when we spoke on the phone, that time…you said you wanted to end it. Now…I don't know exactly what _it_ was, but I'm guessing it was a little more than a couple of kisses."

"That's the thing…it wasn't. It never went beyond that. I wasn't lying...about _that_ part, at least. But…the other part…the _feelings _part….I guess I wasn't so honest about that with you before." Ali sighed, and tried not to cry again. "I wasn't so honest with myself, either."

"Well it's a start…you being honest _now._" Cece offered in response.

"It's not enough, though." Ali breathed heavily. "I just…I feel like I can't stay away much longer. I need to see her." She took a deep breath. Her hands trembled slightly as she looked Cece straight in the eye. "I love her." It was the first time she had admitted it out loud, to anybody.

"Oh, hun. I know. I know you do. I didn't need to read that diary to see that. No offence…but it's kinda obvious, sweetie." Cece said kindly.

"It is?" Ali asked meekly.

"Only from the very first second you told me you were confused about her." Cece gave Ali a knowing look. "Sweetie, you don't _get _confused." She laughed, and pinched Ali's cheek affectionately. "You can't hide from me, honey." She joked. Ali have her a guilty smile.

"Listen, Ali. I _know_ this is hard. And I know you feel terrible for whatever it was that happened between you two when you left, but don't you think it's time to fix it? Don't you think you need to tell her you're okay?"

"Fix it _how? _I'm dead, remember." Ali said bluntly. "I can't fix it. I can't just show up at her door and be all - knock, knock, oh hi, Emily! It's Alison! And by the way, I'm not dead! Surprise!" She said sarcastically. "It's done. I'm…done. I can't go back, and I can't tell her I'm alive. She's already moved on, they all have. You know I can't go back. You know what he'll do to me if he finds out I'm alive? I'm a liability, Cece. He can't afford to have me just show up again. He'll finish the job for sure."

"He's not even _there, _Ali. He moved away. Both of them did."

"Yeah, and what if someone else sees me? I'm not exactly an unrecognisable face! My picture was all over the news from there to Atlantic City! I _can't, _Cece." Ali said sternly. "No matter how much I want to…" She added softly.

"So you _do _want to go back." Cede pointed out.

_I didn't think I did, before. I thought I'd be okay, just disappearing. I don't know when that changed…but I can't. I really, really can't go back to that place. That place with that hole…in those woods._

"It doesn't matter what I want." Ali stated. "I can't. And that's that." Then, she stopped. She realised, that just because _she _couldn't show her face in rosewood…it didn't mean that someone else couldn't go _for _her.

"But…you can." She added.

"Ali, I thought we'd been over this? I thought you didn't want me to go back there." Cece answered. She couldn't understand where this sudden change of direction had come from.

"I didn't before…but now I just…I don't know. I just _need _to know, Cece. I need to know if she's okay. Will you check…_please? _For me?" Ali asked desperately.

To her credit, Cece did what Alison asked. Even though she couldn't go herself, she still sent Cece to watch over everyone. Her friend would go once a week, and Ali would sit anxiously at the windowsill, waiting for her to return. She would gaze outside, hoping to see Cece's car pull up outside. As soon as she saw it swerve into the parking lot across the street, she would bolt from the chair, and run to the door of the apartment. She would hold it open, desperately listening out for Cece's footsteps on the stairs.

Sometimes, the news would cause a grin to spread across Alison's face as wide as the Cheshire Cat. Others times, it would cause pain to spark behind her eyes, and she would lock herself away for the rest of the night. Cece aways _wanted_ to give her good news, but she couldn't always. Ali had been ecstatic to hear that Hanna was losing weight. She had told Cece how horrible she had felt for making fun of her so many times, and she was beyond proud that her friend was finally getting the confidence she so rightly deserved to have. Alison hadn't been so happy to hear about Emily, though. Cece had considered making something up, to convince her that Emily was fine, but she couldn't do it. She couldn't lie to her. She had gone to Rosewood and seen for herself what a horrible state Emily had been in. She had waited outside her window at night and listened as she cried. So many times, Cece had wanted to knock on her door and tell her that Alison was alive. But she couldn't do that to her friend. She had promised Ali. She also knew that in time, Ali would come to rosewood herself. She knew that Alison wouldn't be able to hide forever. She may have been beaten down, but that just wasn't who she _was. _Deep down, Cece knew that Ali would eventually snap out of it. She just didn't know when. She hoped that when she finally did come to see things for herself, that it wouldn't be too late.

**Eight months after Alison's disappearance.**

"Well…did you find it?" Ali asked. Her entire body ached to hear a positive answer, but she knew it was a long shot. She had asked Cece for a favour, and she was desperate to know if her friend had been successful.

"Let me get in the door first, okay." Cece said in an exasperated voice. "You do realise that I nearly got _caught_. I had to pretend that I was your long lost cousin, who didn't _know_ you'd disappeared, in order to get away with being inside your house."

"What?" Ali asked. "What do you mean you got caught?"

"I said _nearly_ got caught. And I'm telling you now…it was a fucking close call." Cece dumped her bags down dramatically onto the kitchen counter. She looked exhausted, but Ali didn't care. She just wanted to know if Cece had managed to do what she had asked of her.

"Cece. You're going to need to use more words, because I'm not _psychic." _Ali said sarcastically.

"Nice to see you haven't lost _all_ your sass." Cece retorted sarcastically. Ali could tell she was only joking, but she wasn't in the mood for it.

"Look. Did you find it or not?" She asked again.

Cece hesitated. "Listen…Ali. Before we get into that…I need to tell you something." She said carefully. Ali didn't answer, she just nodded, indicating that she wanted her to continue.

"When I was at your house…there was a moving van." She said bluntly.

"Right…" Ali said, waiting to hear the rest.

"It pulled into the driveway pretty soon after I got there. People are moving into your house, Ali. I'm sorry." She said apologetically.

Ali shrugged, and turned away. She knew it would happen eventually, but there wasn't much feeling attached to that house, any more. Ali thought of it as a place of oppression, and sadness, and she didn't care that much that it had been empty for months after her parents had abandoned it. Still, she did feel a slight pinch inside her heart at the thought of someone else invading her space. She had grown up in the house, after all, and not _all_ of her memories there had been bad ones.

Ali sighed. "It's fine. It was bound to happen eventually, wasn't it." She answered. Cece noticed a slight melancholy twinge to her voice. She tried to lighten the mood.

"Yeah! Well thank god the new tenants weren't there! The moving van pulled up, like, ten minutes after I got there. I watched them pull in from the window in your room. I tell you, I nearly had a fucking heart attack! You owe me, blondie! You're lucky they bought my distant cousin story, or I'd have been seriously fucked!" She exclaimed. Ali chuckled slightly.

"Anyway...I really wasn't in there that long…so…I didn't really get much of a chance to look. I'm sorry. I couldn't find it." She said. Alison's face dropped.

_Fuck. Well, it was a long shot. That letter is probably long gone. God knows where that fucker put it. He probably threw it in the trash._

Ali couldn't hide the disappointment in her eyes. "It's okay. It doesn't matter." She said glumly.

Cece could tell how much it _did_ matter, though. And she took her opportunity to play the situation to her advantage.

"I said I couldn't find it…" She started. "But that doesn't mean I don't know where it is." She added with a sly smile.

Ali's eyes widened in shock. "_What! _You know where it is? TELL ME!" She shouted, slamming her hands down on the table.

Cece folded her arms defiantly. "Fine. But you have to do something first." She stated.

"Fine." Ali said quickly. "Name it."

Cece opened her bag, and pulled out a small packet, wrapped in clear plastic. She slid it across the table towards Alison.

"If you're ready…then it's time to take the next step." She said, indicating to the packet.

**One hour and seventeen minutes later.**

Ali stood by the door, dressed in entirely unfamiliar attire.

"For God sake Alison, if you keep moving it it's going to fall off." Cece said sternly. She reached up to Alison's head and pulled the dark wig that she was wearing, into a straighter position.

"My name isn't Alison, remember." Ali said sternly. _Don't mess this up, Cece. I need you to get this right. Nobody can know it's me._

"Right. Sorry." Cece saluted sarcastically. "What was it again, Vivian Darkboobs?" She laughed.

"_Darkbloom." _Ali corrected. "And don't make jokes. We have to believe the lie, or nobody _else _will. You can't call me Alison once we leave this room"

_"Okay, okay!"_ Cece chirped. "I got it…_relax!_"

Ali took a nervous breath. "I don't know if I can relax. This is all so…"

"Surreal?" Cece interrupted.

"Painful." Alison corrected.

"Painful? Why? You'll get to see them all…isn't that what you wanted?" Cece asked.

"That's just it. I get to _see_ them. I don't get to talk to them…or let them know I'm there. I just get to _watch." _Ali said sadly. She looked into Cece's large hallway mirror. The girl staring back at her was a stranger. She had a head of dark black hair, and dressed in clothes that Alison Dilaurentis would never wear. That was the point, though. If she was going to see people, she had to make sure they didn't see _her._

_"Oh, _hun. You don't have to go. If you're not ready…then we can always wait…" Cece trailed off.

"No. I can't wait any more. It's been eight months, Cece. I need to see them. You were right. I can't just sit in here waiting for updates. No offence, but these walls are driving me insane. I need to go out. I need the fresh air…I just need to be free, for a little while." _I need to see her face. Just once. Just one more time, even if it's only for a second. I wonder if she still looks the same…I wonder if she still blushes…_

"All right. Well..if you're sure you're ready…"Cece said, gesturing towards the door.

"I am. I am ready." Alison answered. _If I don't leave this apartment, I'll go insane. If I don't go back and see for myself, then I'll never be able to move forward. I have to know that she's okay. And I want my damn letter. She'll never tell me where it is unless I do this. _

Cece held open the door, and let Ali take a tentative step outside. She watched Alison carefully, and noticed how her hands shook.

"You know what, wait there a sec." She said as she slipped back inside the door. She appeared a moment later with a small bottle of Amsterdam vodka. It was about three quarters of the way full. She held it out to Ali, and the blonde took it, with an inquisitive look.

"For courage. If you need it." She said kindly.

Ali tucked it inside the pocket of her jacket. "Thanks. I think it's going to take more than this to get me through tonight though." She said with a tilt of her eyebrow.

"You'll be okay, kid. Baby steps." She said, allowing Ali to walk in front of her.

"I know. You're right. I'm ready. I need to do this." Ali answered with determination.

The two girls closed the door, and with a deep breath, Alison left the apartment, finally.

**One hour later.**

As the pale blue convertible pulled up to the Rosewood bridge, Ali quickly found out that she wasn't as ready as she had thought.

"Stop the car." She said flatly, as the bridge came in to view.

_"_I can't just stop, Ali. It's the middle of the road." Cece retorted.

Ali panicked. She had been okay for most of the drive. She had sat silently next to Cece in the car, and kept her head down. Cece had put the top up to prevent any one from seeing them, but Ali couldn't help but feel nervous every time they had to stop at a red light. Seeing the sign for the first time in eight months, was jarring. It caused her heart to lurch inside her chest, and a terrible wave of nausea came over her. _I can't, I can't do this. I can't go back there. This is where I died. I can't be here. Alison Dilaurentis doesn't exist in this place. This is all wrong._

"Cece! I said STOP the car! Now!" Ali shouted. Her palms were sweaty, and she could feel her body starting to go into shock. She struggled for breath, her chest heaving as she tried to calm herself down. Ali reached over, and grabbed hold of the steering wheel with both arms. She turned her hands sharply, causing the car to veer to the right.

"Ali what the FUCK!" Cece shouted as she shook off Alison's hands. She slammed on the breaks and brought the car to a skidding halt.

She turned angrily towards Ali. "You wanna bring any _more_ attention to us? What the fuck are you doing! We could have driven off the bridge!" She snapped.

Ali sat back in her seat. She didn't care whether she had almost crashed the car, she was just grateful that they'd stopped before the sign.

_Welcome to Rosewood. I can't do this. Fuck. I can't. _She could feel herself hyperventilating. The air inside the car felt _too _warm. Everything felt close, and constricted, as if her entire body was being suffocated. _The hole in the woods. The grave. The dirt. _Ali looked over towards the bridge. The memories of that night, so many months ago, seemed to flood into her brain all at once. _Buried, I feel buried. Fuck. Why can't I breathe. _Ali felt as though she was back, under the ground, with the entire pressure of the earth bearing down on her. Her vision started to blur. _I can't breathe._

_"_Whoa, Ali? What's wrong! Alison…" Cece asked in a worried voice. She looked Ali up and down. Her eyebrows furrowed with concern as she realised the extent of the blondes distress.

Ali couldn't breathe, she felt the pain, and the sadness, and the fear overwhelm her. her arms gripped the side of the seat and her back went suddenly rigid. She had her eyes squeezed tightly shut. She tried to calm herself down, but it was no use. She could feel the space inside the car getting smaller and smaller by the second. She felt as if the walls were closing in around her, locking her in a metal coffin.

"Cece. There's no air. There's no air…" She gasped.

"Ali…Ali stop. Calm down. Please." Cece soothed. "Just breathe. It's okay. Open your eyes. Look at me." She instructed. She leaned over the middle console, and placed a hand on Ali's shaking arm.

"I have to get out. I can't breathe, Cece. Let me out. Let me out now. Let me out!" Ali shouted, her arms scrambling for the door handle. She found purchase on it and yanked the door open, climbing out quickly. She left the door open and fell to her knees outside the car. She took great gasping breaths as she tried to get oxygen back into her system. She felt close to passing out. Her vision swam, making everything blur out of focus.

Cece undid her own door, and ran round the side of the car to find Alison kneeling down with the door wide open.

"Ali...Ali you can't do this here, we're in the middle of the road. _Please_. Get back in the car." Cece pleaded desperately, looking up and down the road to check that no cars were coming.

"I can't…" Ali gasped. "There's no air. I...I can't." She clutched her chest as she stared up at the _welcome to rosewood _sign.

Cece looked up, and seemed to get it, suddenly.

"All right. Ali. Okay. Hold on. I need to get you out of the road, just wait there. I need to move the car, first." She said as she ran quickly back to the drivers side, and clambered into the car.

Ali listened to her start the engine, and took a huge gulp of air. She stared up at the sky as she watched the storm clouds roll in. _I need to get off of this bridge. _She thought. She felt the gravel crunch under her knees painfully, and it instantly brought up memories of the last time she had been there, kneeling eerily close to where she was currently crouched on the ground. She remembered the pain, the grief, and the utter desolation she had felt.

Ali listened to Cece pull the car away, and felt the first drops of rain hit her face. _That's it. Come on. Rain. Wash this whole bridge away, and the town with it. Let the flood come, and fill that hole in the woods. Let the water wash everything away. _She thought desperately as her mind clouded over.

She glanced around, suddenly. _I'm so close to the lake. _She thought. _I want to be there if it rains. It's the only place I want to be. I can't see any one when I'm like this. I can't go into town. I don't have the energy to go past that sign. I don't think I could do it. But the lake…the lake is near. I could go…I could go now, while Cece is moving the car. Just run. Just run away. Go somewhere you can calm down. You can't get back in that car, and you can't go past that sign. _She looked up at the sky once more, as she heard a distant rumble of thunder. _Go to a place that none of this can touch. Go somewhere you feel safe. Go to that beautiful clearing in the woods. You might not be strong enough to see her…but you can go somewhere you'll feel her. Run. _

She knew she wasn't thinking clearly, and she knew it was a bad idea, but Ali bolted. She stood up on shaky legs, and ran straight to the steps at the side of the bridge, without looking back. She was afraid that Cece would try and stop her if she caught up to her, and she willed her legs to move as fast as they could. She just needed to be _away…_away from that bridge that held so many memories. She knew she was a coward for not being able to go into town, but she didn't care. She wrenched the black wig from her head, and threw it in the road.

She heard a car door slam far behind her, but by the time she heard Cece shouting her name…it was already too late. She had vanished. She ran as fast and as far as she could, through the undergrowth, and through the trees, until she was deep in the murky blackness of the forest. Ali ducked under the low branches, and darted along the woodland trails, until finally, she came to an unsteady stop beside a large tree.

Ali rested against the damp bark and closed her eyes, trying to catch her breath. Inside her pocket, she felt her phone buzz, suddenly. She jumped a little at the sudden unfamiliar feeling. She hadn't had a phone for so long, and feeling it go off in her pocket was surprising. Cece had given her an old pay as you go top up phone, and Ali barely knew how to use it. It was ancient. She knew how to turn it off, though. She didn't need a manual for that. She didn't even need to read the screen to know who was calling. Cece was the only person with the number. _I'm sorry Cece. _Ali thought as she turned off the phone, and took another deep breath, trying to clear her mind. Being off the bridge was helping a _lot_ with her anxiety, but she was still completely shaken up.

Ali sighed, and trudged off down the pathway. She walked in the direction of the lake, or rather, what's she _hoped _was the right direction. There was a time, once, where she knew these pathways like the back of her hand. She could have walked them in her sleep…but now, now after so much time, she quickly found herself disorientated. She kept walking, listening to the thunder rumble lowly as she hoped to find the right path.

Alison ended up finding the little rock by accident. She had stumbled through the undergrowth, and walked right into the clearing, without even realising it. When she first saw it sitting there, isolated and alone on the floor of the forest, she was struck by the fiercest sensation of longing she had ever experienced. _Everything _about this place reminded her of Emily, and her heart almost broke, at the sight of the rock. It seemed an eternity ago, when she had been sitting here with the brunette. The atmosphere had been charged, and the sexual tension between them both had erupted almost violently, into a kiss that had eclipsed all others. Ali had run from Emily that day, and now, as she leaned down, and traced her finger along the dark red heart on the side of the rock…she wished with all her heart that things had been different. _I wish I hadn't run… because now, I've run too far. _She thought sadly.

A single tear rolled down her cheek, and Ali wiped it away with her palm. She sat down on the rock, and took a long look around. She closed her eyes, and remembered Emily's lips, as they had tentatively pressed against hers under the blanket…and then the way she had moaned, deep and low, when their kisses sped up. Ali sighed, and lifted her face to the sky. _Rain. Please. Just rain. Help me remember…and help me forget. _Ali waited, but the rain wasn't ready to fall, yet.

After a few moments, she felt the bulk of something heavy inside her pocket, and she remembered the vodka Cece had given her earlier. She pulled the small glass bottle out of her jacket pocket and inspected the label. _Fifty percent. Damn. _She thought. _Where the hell does Cece get this stuff? It's going to taste like rocket fuel. It'll dull the ache, though. _She pulled off the top of the bottle, and brought it up to her nose. _Ugh. It smells as strong as it says it is. Good. _She thought, as she brought the liquid up to her lips. _I'll drink to this place, and to you, Emily. Wherever you are. I wish you were here…_

Ali took a small sip from the bottle, and stared up at the brooding sky. She heard a faint rustle through the trees behind her, and her heart jumped. She wasn't one to be afraid of the dark, but she sometimes told so many ghost stories, that inevitably, they were the first thing that entered her mind when she was alone in the woods. _I wish I hadn't talked about ghosts being here. Why did I tell so many damn stories? Now it's freaking me the fuck out. _Ali heard the noise again, a little closer this time. _Fuck. I know I didn't imagine that! _She thought, and screwed the top back on the bottle quietly. _I wonder if it's Cece, come to find me. _Ali backed up, away from the rock, and slipped behind a tree, hiding herself from view. _Who the fuck is out here at this time of night._ She thought. She heard the thunder roll low and heavy above her head.

What Ali saw next, shocked her almost to the bone. At first, she thought she was imagining it, but as she heard the rustling get ever closer, and turn into the telltale noise of light footsteps, she suddenly realised that someone _was_ definitely there. She just didn't think it would be _her. _When Emily first stepped into the clearing, Alison gasped in shock. The sight of seeing her again, was so jarring, that she couldn't quite believe it was true.

_Is this real? Is she really here? She can't be. Are my stories true, then? Is this a place where the ghosts of lovers come to watch you? Is she here to watch me? Is she real? I'm the ghost…not her. _Ali just couldn't process it. Her mind could not comprehend what she was seeing in front of her. It was _Emily. _Her Emily, out in the woods. Ali stayed hidden behind the tree as she watched the brunette walk quietly over to the rock. Her heart beat furiously inside her chest.

_My god…it is her. It is. She looks different, now. Oh, Emily…why are you here? Are you really real? Is this happening? Her hair is longer…it looks…incredible. Her outfit…wow. Where has she been, dressed like that? _Ali noticed Emily's leather pants, and couldn't help but be impressed. She was wearing a cropped MTV top under a leather jacket. She'd obviously been out, and Ali couldn't help but stare. Emily was absolutely breathtaking, and Ali had gone so long without seeing her, that she was completely thrown. _That's not…that's not how she usually looks. Has she really changed this much, since I've been gone? Damn, she looked good before, but now, she looks amazing. Is this really Emily? She looks so different…am I being tricked, somehow? Is this what this place does…does it show you what you want to see? I wanted to kiss her here once, and it happened. And now she's here…is this a place where dreams come true? Is this a just a place where you can have what you always wanted? _

Ali was still in shock. She hadn't expected to see anyone at the rock, let alone Emily. It was the last thing in the world that she had been prepared for. She watched Emily lean down, and trace her fingers over the large red heart that Ali had painted on the side of the rock. _Our initials. She's tracing our initials. _Ali realised sadly. _She's come here because she misses me…God. She's real. Oh, God. I can't. _Her eyes began to burn up with the fierceness of the emotions running through her.

She continued to watch for a few seconds, her heart pounding furiously in excitement, and fear, and saw that Emily had noticed her bottle of vodka. She watched as she picked it up, examining it in her delicate hands. Suddenly, she started to worry. _No, Em. Don't. It's too strong. Don't drink out here, alone. _Ali thought. She knew what Emily could be like, especially when she was drinking. She didn't need much alcohol to get drunk, and when she was, she wasn't the most co ordinated of people. _Shit. Why did I leave that there. If she's feeling sad, she's going to drink it, and she's alone out here. _Then, Ali realised that that wasn't entirely true. _She's not alone. She has you. You're watching._

Just then, Emily did exactly what Alison expected her to do. She lifted the bottle to her lips, and took a large swig of the liquid._ Here we go. _Ali thought. _Oh, Em._

Alison watched Emily for the next fifteen minutes. She observed as Emily took sip after sip from the bottle. Ali realised that she, too, had drank from it, and had probably left her lipgloss over the glass lid. _A vodka kiss, then. That's what we'll have. _She thought sadly. She watched as Emily closed her eyes, and lifted the bottle again to her mouth. _Em, please go home. You shouldn't be out here. This is a place for the dead. And you're so, so alive. You deserve to go and live your life…not chase after ghosts. _

A large rumble of thunder sounded overhead, and Emily suddenly raised her glass in the air. She swayed, and Ali noticed that the vodka had started to take hold of her.

"Thank you! Ali!" She laughed. Alison gasped in shock. It was the first time Emily had spoken, and for a second, Ali thought she had seen her. She knew she couldn't come out, though. She had to stay hidden. If she revealed herself now, then she would only end up having to leave again. She wasn't ready, yet. She wasn't ready to face the world. Everything just looked so _foreign_, and she didn't even think that the Ali that Emily was shouting for even existed, anymore. _She's gone, Em. Let her go. Go back to town, and forget about me._

The rain began to fall, then. It was almost as if it happened without warning. From her place under the canopy, Ali hadn't felt the raindrops falling. She had been shielded from it, and had been so busy watching Emily that when the torrent of water began to pour down around her, it surprised her. She saw the brunette sway on her feet, and slip down heavily onto the dirt floor. She held herself up with the arm that wasn't holding the bottle, but she was only seconds away from lying down, and Ali could see just how drunk she really was. Ali _almost_ left her hiding place, then. It was only the sound of Emily's voice, heavy with the effects of the alcohol, that stopped her from moving.

"You know…" She slurred. "I would have come with you. I would have, Ali. Wherever you are, I hope you know that." She said out loud, as if speaking to the air it's self. Alison's heart flipped inside her stomach. Once, at the sentiment, and then again, at the guilt which rushed through her. _Oh god, Em. I know that. I know you would have. You're the kindest person I've ever met. I know you'd have left with me, if I'd asked you. And that's why I couldn't. You belong here…you deserve to be free, and happy. Not trapped in a cage like me._

"I just want you to know…" Emily trailed off and Ali could see she was way too far gone. She'd drunk far too much. Ali wanted to rush out, and help her, but she was frozen to the spot. Partially out of fear, and partially because she wanted to hear what Emily had to say. It had been so long since she had heard her voice, that she was intoxicated by it. Emily might be the one drinking, but Ali felt just as dizzy at the sight of her. Emily had always been so shy, and to hear her speak about her feelings, was rare. Ali knew she shouldn't be eves dropping, but she just couldn't help herself. She also couldn't just leave Emily in the current state she was in.

Suddenly, Ali heard the words that caused her heart to break.

"I want you…to know…that I…_always_ loved you." Alison saw Emily raise the bottle to her lips, and almost drop it as she took another huge gulp of vodka.

Ali's eyes brimmed with tears. _Oh, God, Em. I love you too. Don't ever think that I don't. The feeling was always mutual, and I am so, so sorry that I never told you. I'm sorry I didn't realise it sooner…_

"You promised me you'd always be here. But you're not." Emily said sadly.

_I am, Em. I'm here with you. I'm here, now. I promised I wouldn't leave, and I won't. I'll watch over you. I still care. Please don't think I left you. I'll always be here. God, I will. How can I leave, now? _Ali sank to her knees on the dirt floor of the forest, and cried quietly.

Ali couldn't even feel the rain as it crashed down around her. It fell hard, and fast, and she dug her fingers into the earth in front of her in pain. She wished she could move, that she could run across the beautiful clearing and embrace her friend, but she couldn't. She was frozen. She knew all she could do was watch. No part of her was ready for a confrontation. She just wasn't strong enough, she knew that the second she spoke to the brunette, she would break down. The entire process over the last few months had been terrible. She could barely leave Cece's apartment, and being outside, in the rain, in such a place of overwhelming emotion, was too much for Alison's fragile body to take. Her state of mind just wasn't _ready, _yet.

A great thunderous boom sounded out overhead, and Ali's head snapped up. She watched as Emily screamed into the sky. "YOU LIED TO ME!" And Ali finally realised that yes, she was a liar. She _had _broken her promise. No matter how much she watched from the shadows, it wouldn't change what Emily was going through. Because she didn't _know _she was there. She didn't know she was alive. She had gone there to mourn, and as Ali watched over her, like a ghost, she suddenly realised that that was exactly _why _Emily was at the clearing. _She came here because she doesn't know how to move on. She's come here to try and find me, even if it's only a memory. Oh, Emily. I am so, so sorry. You'll never know how much I regret hurting you._

Ali watched Emily throw her bottle of vodka violently to the side. She heard the clink of the glass as it rolled into the undergrowth. Emily suddenly looked as if she was about to pass out. Alison could see her eyes trying to find purchase on the forest, and her body swayed backwards a bit. She knew Emily was only minutes away from falling unconscious, and she watched the brunette lay back, against the dirt on the forest floor.

_No! What are you doing! Don't lie down, Em. Fuck. Emily! Get up! _She panicked. The storm was worsening, and Ali could see that Emily wasn't moving, any more. She looked up at the sky, and heard a huge clap of thunder, as yet more rain pelted down into the clearing. _She's passed out! Fuck! How the fuck can you sleep in this, Em? _She wondered. _Because you left your fifty percent vodka right in front of her, you idiot._ She answered herself in her head. _She's going to get fucking hypothermia if I don't do something. Fuck. Emily! Move! Please move! _She panicked. She observed Emily's unconscious form for a few seconds, deciding what to do. _I can't leave her there. She's already soaked. What if she doesn't wake up? Fuck. I have to move her. She can't stay out there, in that rain. _

Ali carefully made her way across the clearing, holding her arm above her head to shield herself from as much of the rain as possible. She approached Emily's sleeping form, praying that she wouldn't wake up and see her. _God, she might be drunk, but she still looks like an angel when she sleeps. _Ali thought.

She moved to stand behind Emily, and as quickly as she could, making sure the brunettes eyes were still closed, she reached under her arms, and dragged her away from the rock. Ali wasn't the strongest of people, she was quite small, really, but she managed to haul Emily over to the side of the clearing. She panted heavily as she manoeuvred Emily's sleeping form through the tree line, so that the two girls were no longer under the relentless downpour of the freezing rain. Ali collapsed backwards against the side of a large tree, being careful to let Emily's head fall into her lap, and not hit the ground. She shifted the brunettes weight so that she was leaning up against Ali, and the blonde held her there on top of her body, letting Emily's head fall back against her chest. She could feel her wet hair against her arms, and she closed her eyes, breathing heavily with the exertion of dragging Emily's unconscious body.

_You're alright, now. _She thought. She knew she should use Emily's phone to ask someone to come and get her, but now that Emily was out of danger, she found herself wanting to be a little selfish. _Can't I just sit here with her, a while? _She looked down at Emily's sleeping form, at her eyes closed in a peaceful slumber, and she smiled. _God, Em. I missed you. _She tentatively reached out, being careful not to wake her, and pushed a strand of wet hair away from Emily's face. She cradled her in her arms, and stared down at her sleeping form. _I've been without you for so long…I forgot how beautiful you are, in person. There are so many things I want to say to you…and you'll never get to hear them. _Ali thought sadly. She lightly brushed her fingertips against the side of Emily's face, dragging them down towards her chin in a sweet caress. _It's okay. You're okay, now. I'm here. I'm still here. You might not see me, but I'm always watching you. Every breath you take, I'll be here. I'll make sure you're okay._

Ali watched Emily sleep for a long, long time. She heard the rain begin to slow, and then finally stop all together, as the storm finally passed. The worry that Emily might wake up and see her, disappeared the longer she was asleep for. She was out cold, and Ali was eternally grateful that she was getting to hold her for as long as this. She never thought she would get to see her, let alone touch her, and the feel of the brunettes body against her own, warmed her heart. She didn't feel the cold, or the drops of rain as they filtered down, dripping from the leaves high above in the treetops…she didn't even hear the thunder, any more. The only thing she concentrated on was the sound of Emily's breathing. Occasionally, Emily would move, or make a slight noise in her sleep, and Ali desperately wanted to know what she was dreaming about. To her, being with Emily like that, after so many months apart, _was _a dream.

Emily made another noise, as if she was trying to talk, and Alison froze as she heard the brunette speak in her sleep. "Ali…" She mumbled, shifting her weight slightly as she nestled her head closer into Alison's jacket.

Realising that she was still asleep, Ali took her chance, and leaned down to whisper into the brunettes ear softly. "_Shh_, it's okay. Just sleep. I'm here. I'm here, Em." She cradled Emily's cheek with her palm, and brushed her thumb along the side of her face slowly, gazing down at her face. She watched Emily breathe in slightly, and let out a contented sigh. Ali closed her eyes at the sound. _This is too much. I want to stay here, forever. And I can't. I have to leave her. And God, I don't want to._

"I miss you…" Emily mumbled, her body shifting again. Her words send a shard of pain straight through Ali's heart. She held Emily tighter in her arms, hugging her as close to her body as she could manage without waking her. She felt her eyes burning, and struggled not to cry. It was no use, though. The tears fell silently as she tried to hold on to the brunette for as long as she could. She could tell that Emily was starting to come out of her sleep, her eyes were beginning to flicker, and her breathing wasn't as deep as before. Ali's heart wrenched inside her chest, and her body shook with the force of her desperation.

"I miss you too." She sobbed quietly, as Emily shifted closer, still, into the warmth of her chest.

_She's starting to wake up. I have to go. I have to go now. _She realised. She let out a quiet cry of pain, wiped the tears from her eyes, and carefully pulled Emily away from her body. It took all the strength in her heart to be able to leave, but she knew that she had to.

She leaned Emily back against the tree, where she herself had been sitting only moments before. Ali reached over, and pulled Emily's jacket tightly around her body to keep her warm. She reached inside Emily's Jean pocket with gentle fingers, and pulled out her phone. She found Hanna's number, and sent a quick message, asking her to come and get Emily. She wrote the text as if Emily herself had sent it, and hoped that the brunette would think she had sent it while she was drunk.

At this point, Ali _knew_ that she had to leave, otherwise someone would come, and they would see her. She just wasn't ready to be seen, yet. She couldn't even make it past the Rosewood sign, and having to explain her story to her friends at this point, would be way too hard. _They'll hate me, they'll all hate me. It's better I stay dead to them. They're all better off without me_.

As she looked down at Emily's sleeping form, she felt a rush of warmth, and love, flood her system. _You deserve so, so much more than this. You don't deserve to be out here, asleep in the pouring rain, crying over someone who hurt you so badly. You deserve all the happiness that life can give you. Go and be happy, please. That's what I want for you. Don't hold on to me. Go…and be free. Forget me, Em. Because I'm just a ghost. I'm not the person you think I am. I never was. I can never be the person you love. I'm just not a good enough person. I'm dead, Em. But you deserve to live._

Ali cried, and knelt down next to Emily. She knew that this was goodbye. All the pain, and heartache, and misery of the past few months echoed through her head as she stared at the sleeping girl in front of her. She desperately tried to hold back her tears, but it wasn't possible at that moment. Because right then, and there, Emily was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen, and Ali didn't know how to _not_ cry, when saying goodbye to someone as special as her. She leaned forward, brushing Emily's hair back from her face, and leaned her forehead against hers lightly. "Nobody as perfect as you, deserves to be unhappy." She whispered quietly. "If this world were created only for you, it would be justified." She murmured quietly, her lips now only a fraction away from Emily's. "You are part of my existence, part of myself. You have been in every line I have ever read…" She whispered.

She couldn't hold back, any longer, nor could she help herself from doing it. She just couldn't leave without feeling Emily's mouth press against hers, one more time. As she leaned in quickly for a last stolen kiss, she felt her whole body shake with grief. She brushed her lips over Emily's, once, holding her cheek with her palm, as she felt the brunettes warm lips under her own. She let them linger there, and tasted the salt of her own tears in her mouth, and against Emily's lips, as she kissed Emily as forcefully as she could, without waking her. She let out a pained cry, as she pulled away. She turned, and without looking back, she bolted across the clearing, and out of sight.

She came to a stop at the other side of the wide open space. She loathed to leave Emily there, but she knew she had no choice. Hanna would show up soon, and Cece would be looking for her. Suddenly, she realised that her own phone was turned off, and that Cece was probably going insane looking for her. She knew she'd be in trouble with her friend for taking off, but she hoped Cece would understand.

She turned on her phone, shielding the screen as it lit up the forest in a hazy green light. There were seventeen missed calls, all from Cece. Ali felt extremely bad. She hadn't meant to run away, but she knew that if she didn't just _go_, at that moment…then she would have probably passed out. She held the phone up to her ear as she dialled Cece's number, and waited for the blonde to pick up. After a couple of seconds, a shrill voice answered the phone.

"ALISON! Where the FUCK ARE YOU! Do you have ANY idea what's been going through my head! Why the fuck did you do that to me!" Cece shouted.

"I know. I'm sorry." Ali answered, trying to keep her voice down.

"You're _sorry! _Oh, you're sorry! WELL! That just makes it _okay_ doesn't it! Alison, you need to get back here RIGHT NOW!"

"I know." Ali said, she looked back across the clearing, through the trees, and tried to see if Emily had woken up. She couldn't see her, it was too dark.

"No! You don't know! Ali, you have _no _idea how worried I've been! I thought you'd jumped off the fucking bridge! You have no fucking idea what's going on! Get back here, we need to leave, _now! _This is really serious, where the fuck are you?"

"What do you mean you thought I'd jumped off the bridge?" She answered.

"Ali, I don't have time for this, okay. You just need to get back here, like, now. Something's happened." Cece said seriously.

"What? What do you mean? What are you talking about?" Ali asked, suddenly worried.

"ALISON! Are you even listening to me! I don't hear you fucking walking! If you don't get back here in the next ten minutes then I swear to god I will leave your ass here!"

Ali looked back through the trees, she still couldn't see Emily. She didn't want to leave until emily woke up, or until Hanna showed up, but she could feel that something wasn't right by how panicked Cece sounded.

"I'm coming! Just…_please_. Tell me what's going on." Ali ordered.

She heard Cece take a deep breath through the crackling line of the phone. "Look, Ali…I've been driving around looking for you for the past _two hours_. You scared the fuck out of me. The fucking river burst, and I was asking this _farmer_ on the side of the road if he'd seen my fucking _cousin _who has a _mental problem _and escaped from my house, when he told me that I shouldn't be out in the rain because they'd just found a dead _body _in the fucking river!" She exclaimed. "You fucking don't know how scared I was! I thought you'd jumped off the fucking bridge when I was moving the car! I thought it was _you! _When your phone wouldn't work I was _sure _that you'd gone and thrown yourself off the fucking Rosewood bridge. Don't you _DARE _do that to me again!" She shouted.

Alison felt immediately horrible for what she'd done. It took her a second to process the other news in Cece's story, though. "Wait…they found a body in the river?" She asked.

"YES! Weren't you listening! The farmer told me that they found it two fields over from his house. It came right up out of the river. It only took about half an hour for everyone in this nosey ass town to assume it's you. INCLUDING ME! But obviously, for different reasons. I can't believe you scared me like that! I honestly thought that they'd found your body because you'd jumped off the bridge tonight. I was confused because it wasn't a new body that they found, apparently it's been in the river for quite some time. That's why they all think it's you. But I was fucking going out of my mind trying to figure out if the stories were true! If it was a new body, or an old one! That's what I've been doing all this time while you've been doing GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT! Anyway...you need to get back here right now. We can't be here, not with all this going on. Get the fuck back to the car, now. We're leaving." She ordered.

_Fuck. Oh fuck. They think it's me. _

"I'm on my way, wait for me in the parking lot, by the South side of the lake." Ali said, and hung up the phone.

_Well. That's that. Now everybody knows I'm dead. _Ali thought sadly. She didn't have time to ponder the situation more, though, because as she looked up, she saw a figure staring back at her from across the clearing.

She heard Emily scream her name once, and then again, louder.

_It's Emily. She's awake. SHIT! _Ali thought as she saw Emily bolt across the clearing. Even though they were very far apart, and the light was practically non existent, she was pretty sure that the brunette had seen her. Ali turned, and fled as fast as she could down the nearest dirt trail. _She can't see me. Not now. Not with all this going on. I need to get away. I need to be out of this place. _She thought frantically as she found the second trail which led to a series of pathways that she new quite well. Her one advantage, was that Emily _didn't _know the woods as well as her, and she prayed it would be enough to keep her out of sight of the brunette. She could hear rustling behind her, but the footsteps got further and further back on the path the longer she ran for. _Good. I'm sorry, Em. But I have to go. You've got to live your life, because I can't come back here. You deserve more, because all I can do right now, is run away._

She was pretty sure she had lost Emily, as she could no longer hear any one following her. She rounded a corner in the path and walked, her chest heaving with exhausted breaths, up to the parking lot. Just up ahead of her, she saw a pair of headlights pull into the lot. She knew it wasn't Cece, because the car that they belonged to was large, and white. _It must be Hanna. _She thought, relieved that her text message had worked. _At least if she'd stayed asleep, then Hanna would have found her. _

Ali watched as Hanna clambered from the car, and darted quickly through a gap in the trees. _Wow. Cece was right. She lost all that weight, and she looks incredible. I was so horrible to her about how she looked. I told myself I was doing her a favour, when deep down, I knew I was being mean. I just wanted to keep her distracted, so that she would focus on what I was saying, not what I was doing. I didn't want her to look at how I acted around Emily. She is much, much better off without me in her life. Look how amazing she looks. She did that for herself. I bet the only reason she was larger before, was because of the comments people like me made to her. I wasn't helping any one with the things I said. I was hindering them. _Ali thought sadly. She watched as Sean Ackard climbed out of the car next, turning it off, and disappearing down the path which led to the lake. Ali paused as she hid behind the trees, and smiled to herself. _Good for her, she got the guy, in the end. _

Ali stayed there for another minute more, and finally, she saw Cece pull into the parking lot. Her headlights weren't on, and Ali knew she was trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. Alison darted for the car. She pulled open the door of the pale blue convertible, and shifted down inside the seat, so that she was out of view.

She didn't look Cece in the eyes. "Drive" she instructed.

Cece didn't argue, she just did as she was told. She pulled the car into reverse, and screeched away from the parking lot. She drove as fast as she could down the sodden highway. A few minutes later, when Ali was sure they were well out of Rosewood, she scooted back up, so that she was sitting up right in the seat once more. She gave Cece a tentative look, tilting her head sideways to gauge her friends mood. Cece stared straight ahead, her eyes frozen to the road. Ali could tell that the atmosphere inside the car was frosty, at best.

She decided she had better apologise for her behaviour. "Cece…I'm sor—"

"Don't." Cece cut her off. She didn't look at Ali. She spoke in a hard, serious voice. "Alison, listen to me. Do not ever do that to me again. I will help you, I will hide you, and I will do my best to understand what you're going through, because _believe me_, I can see how hard it's been on you. But do not, _ever _scare me like that. The next time you want to run off, or you feel like you can't handle it, you use your _words_ and speak to me. You don't just run away. You're not in the right state of mind yet to handle being off by yourself. I can't worry about you like that again, do you understand? I won't."

Ali nodded. She felt terrible. Cece had done a _lot _to help her over the last few months, and she needed to start talking to her more about her feelings. She had given her the barest glimpses of insight into how she had been really feeling, and after the way she had reacted on the bridge, she knew it hadn't been enough. The storm of her devastation, just wasn't over, yet. She wasn't ready to come back. She wasn't even ready to take baby steps. She still needed to heal, and as she looked out at the world outside the car window, Ali realised that she still didn't feel safe. It wasn't the air inside the car, or the sign on the town bridge, or even the memories of that night in that cold, isolated grave in the woods. It was her. She still wasn't safe with _herself. _There was a lot she still needed to work through, and a lot she still needed to _learn. _

She turned to Cece, and struggled to find the words to thank her friend for her patience, and her kindness. "Cece…I'm so sorry…I…" She trailed off.

Cece put her hand out, and rested it on Alison's knee. She squeezed it affectionately, and turned to the blonde. "I know, hun. It's okay." She winked. She gave Alison a look that only a sister could give, and smiled and shook her head. "God, blondie, you really l know how to keep me on my toes!" She laughed a little, and Ali knew she was forgiven.

Ali leaned her head back against the seat, and let out an exhausted sigh.

"Hey, don't look so glum. Open the glove compartment." Cece said, indicating to it with a nod of her head.

"What?" Ali queried, raising her head.

"Go on. And don't tell me I don't keep my promises." Cece smiled to herself, and Ali could tell she was waiting for her reaction. She was _very _curious as to what could be inside the compartment.

Alison frowned, and reached forward, cautiously flicking open the button to the section of the car which held the maps, and usually the odd bottle of alcohol or two. She opened the compartment and gasped because there, sitting just inside on the small shelf, was an old, tattered letter.

The pages were curled, and the envelope had yellowed over the months, but Ali knew exactly what it was. Scrawled on the front of the letter, in a very familiar handwriting…was a name. The name on the front of the letter read: Alison.

With shaking hands, and a look of gratitude in Cece's direction, Ali _finally _held Emily's letter, for the first time.

She might be running from Rosewood, and she didn't know if she would ever be able to return. But this time, she found peace in the fact that she could at _least_ take this small part of Emily with her. She wouldn't be leaving alone.

**Authors Note: well it was really really long again and that was only part one lol! Seriously guys, thank you to any one who read right to the end, I'm glad you didn't give up! I know it was a super long chapter. Ali will have a part two to her version of the disappearance just like emily did. I hope you are all still interested to read it! I wanted to give Ali a really good reason for not coming back, and I think she's suffering from some serious post traumatic stress disorder. Which, you know, being buried alive by your parents would tend to do to a person lol! Hopefully that'll be something Emily can fix, later on, hmm lol. I hope you guys are enjoying Cece, too, I know some of you wanted to see more of her and so I try and put in what you guys ask to see. Coming up in gone girl part two, there will be some jealous Ali over the Maya thing, the reason for Alison's scar on her leg, and some serious soul searching. Also, a lot more surprises! I hope you guys are starting to notice the more sinister things going on in the background of this story, too. Please tell me if you notice anything strange going on because I would love to see if any of you have picked any of it up! There will be some strong emison stuff going on once the disappearance is over so you can all look forward to that too I hope! I really hope you guys aren't getting bored! I know my chapters can be long lol I take a long time to make my point (a bit like these authors notes) haha! But I do have a very large plan worked out with some very intense scenes coming up! So who do you guys feel more sorry for, Ali or Emily? And should Emily be more forgiving, now that we have found out Alison's side of things? Or do you guys still think she's being quite selfish? I would love to know what you guys thought of this, because you help me to write the next chapter! Your comments, even one word, have been absolutely heart warming and you honestly calm my nervous self down! THANK YOU for reviewing, because I honestly am only writing this for you guys. Your comments and support have been amazing and I thank every single one of you that has taken the time to say something. I really love you all! My Twitter is hauntedtwilight.**


	25. Gone Girl - Part Two

**Authors Note: hey my lovelies! Can I first begin by saying thank you SO much to every single one of you who has left a review. Writing the disappearance has been the most difficult few chapters EVER, and to know that you guys are all reading and enjoying it still, means the world to me. I'm glad you guys are still interested and I'm so happy that you all took the time to read this story! To the person who asked me if I'm including all the season 5 emison scenes, absolutely you betcha ;) lol! Trust me, after this disappearance business is over, I will be going Into all that! I'm so glad you guys like Cece in this story, because the more I write her, the more I actually love her lol everyone needs a friend like Cece and I'm glad that alison has her. She needs her. **

**Now this chapter ended up being over 30,000 words long, which actually takes about three God damn hours to read. So I hope you guys don't mind, but I'm actually going to split Gone Girl Into three parts. I really didn't want to do it, but trust me, I read it back through myself and it's way too much to read in one go! I've literally been writing it non stop and it's almost done, so you'll get part three very soon after this chapter. I just wanted to post some of it now so that you guys didn't have to keep waiting for the update because I've still got to edit and finish the third part. It'll be posted very soon after this, though, so even though I've split it up, hopefully you guys don't mind. I really hope not! There's some jealous Ali in this part, and much, much more in part three. Then, we move on to the heavy stuff! I love you all and thank you for all your support. It means a lot to me.**

The worst part about dying young, is that once you're gone, you don't age. It's nice to be remembered in a youthful way, sure, but that's it. You stay immortalised in the state you were in when you passed away. You don't get older, you don't grow up, and you cease to be anything more than what you were. You_ can't _get more mature. People will _always_ think of you as how you were when you died. And for Alison, this was extremely upsetting. She was now a year older, and although she had spent most of that time isolated, she still felt like she'd changed. The problem was, nobody would ever know it. Nobody could ever _see _the person she'd become. They would always remember the bitchy, nasty girl who made comments about people, and made a game out of everything. She made people's lives a living hell. Anybody who knew that girl, would never know of the personal hell Alison herself, had gone through. She was older, she was wiser, and she had learned to be less afraid. But there was still a long way to go.

**Almost 14 months After Alison's Disappearance**

Alison sat on top of her bed, in the spare room of Cece Drakes' apartment. She stared at the newspaper in front of her. It was a few months old, and the pages had already begun to wear down. She looked at her smiling face on the front page. Her face was rounded, her smile wide, and her skin was immaculately covered in makeup. _I look so young. This picture was only taken a couple of years ago. They used my school picture. How funny. I look so happy. But I look so, so young. _Ali read the headline. **Mystery of missing girl solved. Body found in river.** Ali sighed. _I wonder which stranger is buried in my grave. That poor girl…I wonder what happened to her. I wonder if somebody hurt her…the way they hurt me? _Ali reached up and absently touched the back of her head. The pain was gone, now, and the wound was old, but she could still feel the faint scar from where the glass had smashed into her skull. Every now and again, the area would pinch a little, and Ali wondered if there was still something in there…some tiny glass fragments perhaps, moving around under the skin. She felt underneath her hair, and ran her finger along the jagged indent of the scar. _God…that was one hell of a hit. I'm lucky to be here. That poor girl in the river…she wasn't so lucky._

The bedroom door suddenly burst open, and Cece strode in, collapsing on the bed dramatically in front of Alison.

"Whatcha doing?" She asked cheerily. She noticed the paper in front of the blonde. Her eyes flickered up to Alison's face knowingly. "Nuh uh!" She shook her head, and squinted. "We are _not_ going to obsess over this today. This is done, remember." She grabbed the newspaper and pulled it away from Alison as she tried to reach for it. Ali was too slow. "Let's just put this _away, _shall we!" She chided in a high pitched, sing-song voice.

Cece pinched the newspaper in between the tips of her index finger, and her thumb, holding it as if it were something disgusting that she didn't want to touch. She held it out in front of her body as she walked. Ali got up from the bed, and followed Cece into the hallway as she moved into the kitchen. She kicked at the button which opened the trash and dropped the newspaper inside, taking her foot off the button and watching the lid close. "Bye, bye Mr newspaper! We won't be reading you any more today!" Cece said in a childlike, sarcastic voice. She gave an impish wave at the lid of the closed trash can, and smiled innocently at Alison. Ali stood behind her with her arms folded.

"Little dramatic, don't you think?" Ali said dryly.

"Oh, honey. You have to stop looking at things like that. It's not going to help you." Cece answered. "Besides, it's old news. No point keeping it around."

"I was just…" Ali struggled to find the words. Cece gave her a knowing look, and Ali couldn't lie. She rolled her eyes in defeat. "Obsessing." She admitted truthfully.

"Yes. And what did we agree, Ali?" Cece asked, waiting for the blonde to answer.

Ali responded in the same way she _always _did, when Cece had to ask her this question. It was about the hundredth time she'd had to say it. "That we wouldn't _obsess, _over things that we can't control." She said wearily.

"Good." Cece said with a smile, and a happy shrug of her shoulders.

_"_I'm going out, Ali. Only downstairs to the store. I need to get us some stuff for dinner later. And _someone _ate all the noodles, _again." _She said, as she put on her bright red coat, and matching red boots.

_"_Sorry. My bad." Ali answered. She had been staying in the apartment for a year now, and hadn't paid for a single thing. There was no way she could touch her money, or her credit cards, because she second she did, everyone would see that she was alive. It was frustrating, not being able to contribute, but Cece hadn't ever mentioned it. Ali had a vast amount of money in savings, which she supposed had either gone to Jason, or back to her parents. She didn't know how it all worked, really, she just knew she couldn't access it. Cece had been amazing about it all, she knew that Ali would help her out if she could, but Alison still felt guilty all the same.

Cece moved to the door, and before she had the chance to slip out, Ali called after her.

"Cece…"

"Yeah?" Her friend answered.

"I will find a way to pay you back for all this. I will. I promise." Ali said sincerely.

Cece smiled, and shook her head. "Shut up." She said with a laugh. "You don't owe me _anything. _Just stop eating all the damn noodles!" She laughed again, and left the apartment.

Ali smiled as she closed the door, and looked down at her hands. She fidgeted with them for a few seconds, trying to stay still. She glanced back at the door. _She's gone. Yep, just me here. Just me. _She looked back at her hands, and then glanced around the room. _I'm not going to move. I'm not going to read it. I'm going to sit here…and not obsess. _She started drumming her fingers together, her fingertips touching quickly against each other as she tried to distract herself. _Yep. Not obsessing today. Nice and sane today. Not going to do it. I'm not! _She looked around the room once more, her eyes settling on her bedroom door. _Well I suppose I could just…_

Ali ran for her bedroom. She skittered across the kitchen, yanked open her door, and closed it tightly behind her. Her eyes darted around the room, and settled on her mattress. It was the most unoriginal place to hide something, and Ali didn't really _need _to hide it, as her and Cece were the only people in the apartment, but old habits die hard. She reached underneath it, and grabbed hold of the small envelope which lay nestled under the mattress. She scooted backwards on the bed, her legs crossed in front of her. _Oops. I accidentally obsessed. She can yell at me later. _

Alison opened the letter, and for what must have been the thousandth time, she started to read it.

When Cece had first given it to her, Ali had been in shock. It was the last thing that she had expected to be given, and it was the _only _thing left in the world that she wanted. Cece hadn't told her, but she had had the letter with her the entire time. Ali didn't even shout at her for lying. She was just grateful to finally be able to touch it. Cece hadn't told her, because she had wanted Alison to take a first step, and leave the apartment. Even though the plan had backfired horribly, and ended up with Ali not being able to even _enter_ Rosewood, she had still kept to her word, and given her the letter. Cece had told Alison that when she searched her house, she couldn't find it, but that didn't mean she didn't know where it _was. _

Only the first part part had been a lie, she _had _found it. She had discovered it in a box of Alison's things, hidden in the far corner of the attic of her abandoned house. She hadn't been in Alison's room when she had seen the moving van approach the front drive, after all. She'd been up in the far reaches of the house, searching the boxes in the dusty room. She'd hidden the letter, and left it inside the glove compartment of her car. She'd always intended to give it to Alison that night, she just wanted to see how far the blonde would go to obtain it. Alison could see _why_ she'd lied. Using the letter as leverage, was the only thing that had allowed Cece to finally help her. She knew that by offering it to Ali, she could get her to leave the apartment, finally, and start moving forward.

Ali had been so desperate at first to read what Emily had written, that she hadn't quite considered whether or not it was a good idea. She hadn't thought that reading it _now, _when there was absolutely nothing she could do about any of it, would matter. But it did. It just made everything _worse. _It only reiterated the things she had come to learn about herself over the last year. One, that she had been a horrible person, and two, that she had hurt Emily. And she had…_badly. _Alison didn't even need to read what she had written to know that. She could see it in the tear stains littering the pages. There were new tear stains there, now, from her own eyes. She had cried when she had first read it…she had crawled up on her bed, and sobbed quietly into her pillow as all the awful words churned around in her brain. She could see the gravity of what she'd done, and how badly injured Emily's heart had been.

Now...as she poured over the words again, as she had before _so_ many times, the guilt...and the pain, still stabbed away at her chest. She knew the letter word for word by now, but that didn't stop it from hurting. The words _still_ brought a dull ache to her heart. After three months of reading the same thing, she hoped that one day, when she read it again, the letters on the page might magically change. She hoped that eventually, maybe if she read it enough times, the words might rearrange themselves into sentences that didn't represent her in such an awful…and worse still, _truthful, _way. And it was true. It was all true. Ali knew that.

Alison's eyes were dull, and her expression sad, as she took in the words on the page.

"_You're not afraid of hurting me, so I wonder why I'm so afraid of hurting you?"_

"_I feel like a satellite, orbiting the sun. You're my sun. You're like fire, Ali. When I touch you, my heart burns..." _

"_It's like it's all so hilarious to you. The way you act sometimes…it's like it's all just one big joke that you find so, so funny..."_

"_You acted like you couldn't care less. Did it mean nothing to you? It meant EVERYTHING to me. You pretty much just laughed in my face…"_

"_You know how I feel about you. So why would you do that to me?"_

"_It feels more like target practice…"_

"_How can you go from kissing me one minute…to acting like you hate me the next. And that's what it felt like, Ali. I felt like you hated what we did..."_

"_Kissing you was the best thing that's ever happened to me…"_

"_I may be a fool to have fallen for you…but, I love you..."_

"_I need to tell you. I need you to know. I love you so much. I'm in love with you, Ali…"_

Alison's eyes focused on the last line of the letter, and she stared…for a long, long time. She sighed quietly to herself, and looked around the room, taking in the silence of the empty bedroom. _Why can't I let this go? It's been so long…and she's probably healed, by now. She's probably forgotten all about all of this. I hope so. I hope she doesn't still feel this way. I hope she's happy. This letter is filled with so much pain. I don't want to be the cause of her pain, any more. The way she felt about me…she loved me more than any one else in this life would ever love me...__has __ever loved me…and I threw it back in her face. She will never know how deeply I regret hurting her. I hope she's healed. What would she think…if she could see me now? I'm hiding away like an injured animal. I'm weak. I'm not the person she once knew. What was it they used to say? I was always the brave one. I wasn't brave at all. I was a coward. I'll always be a coward. I'm hiding…even now. _

Ali read through the letter again, running her fingertips along the lines of the words. She could feel the indents in the paper from where Emily had pressed the pen against it, hard. _She was probably so angry at me when she wrote this. She had every right to be. I did use her as target practice, she's right. She's so, so right. I made her think that it was all just one sided…and she believed it. Oh, Em. Why couldn't you have just called me a liar, then and there? I wouldn't have fought you on it. I might have seemed intimidating to you, but if you'd called me out on it, I never would have had the strength to deny it. I would have crumbled, in the end. It took me every ounce of power I had just to say that it all meant nothing. If you'd pushed me…I would have fallen. I'd already fallen, for you. You just didn't know it. You'll never know it, now._

Ali felt hot tears start to form in her eyes. They dripped across her cheeks as she tried to wipe them away. _God…I thought I couldn't cry any more over this…but it never gets any easier. It's never going to stop…_

Ali heard a bang from the front door, and realised that Cece had returned with the food. She jumped a little at the noise. _Shit! I need to hide is before she catches me with it, again. Fuck, and I'm crying. Fuck._

She scrambled across the bed, and tucked the letter as quickly as she could, back underneath the mattress. She only had time to smooth over the bed cover, before Cece burst into the room. The door banged against the wall as Cece stood just inside the doorway, scowling with her arms crossed.

Ali looked as guilty as sin. She knew she had been caught red handed. She tried to wipe her tears away, but she knew it was no use. She could tell that Cece knew she'd been crying, again.

Cece sighed. "Give it to me." She said sternly, holding her hand out.

"No!" Ali responded, moving to stand in front of her mattress.

"Alison. Give it to me, _now. _We discussed this. I thought we agreed?" Cece asked, her hand still outstretched.

"No! I don't _want _to!" Alison complained. She knew she'd lose the argument, though.

Cece had taken the letter from her at least ten times before. She didn't think it was healthy for Alison to keep reading it, over and over. In the weeks since she'd first got hold of it, Ali had barely let it out of her sight. She had poured over the words on the pages for hours and hours at a time. Cece had watched as she had cried at the kitchen table, at the windowsill, and late into the night. She hadn't been sleeping well over the last year as it was, but since getting the letter back, she had had even less sleep. Numerous times Cece had got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water, and found Ali crying in the kitchen, sitting in the dark at the table, with the letter in front of her. At first, she left Ali alone to get over it by herself. She let her cry, and obsess, and allowed her to keep herself awake at night, if that was what she needed to do. But the more time went on, the more she realised that Alison wasn't doing herself any favours at all. She was just making things worse. Cece had stolen the letter one day, and hidden it. She hoped it would help Ali, but it didn't. Alison turned the entire apartment practically upside down looking for it, and after three hours of arguing and shouting, Cece had reluctantly given it back.

After that first incident, Ali _did_ calm down, for a while. She didn't seem to be up at all hours of the night, any more. But Cece soon found out that instead of sitting and crying in the kitchen, she was just doing the same thing in her room. She could hear her through the wall. And so, Cece had taken the letter, and hidden it again. After the eleventh time of hiding it, and then giving it back, Cece had finally threatened to throw it away, if Ali didn't snap out of it. Alison had been furious, and had then hidden the letter _herself_. Cece had looked everywhere for it, but Ali was better at hiding things than her.

Ali thought that by hiding the letter in an obvious place — under her mattress, that Cece wouldn't even dream to look there. She knew that Cece thought of her as a cunning person, and wouldn't think that Ali would hide it in such a stupid place. Sure enough, Cece had searched everywhere, even inside the DVD player, but she hadn't thought to look under the bed. Eventually, after a month or so, the tears stopped. Cece knew she had the letter somewhere, and that she was still obsessing over it, but she allowed Alison to keep it. She thought that as time went on, she would eventually stop reading it, and would start getting over it. It had seemed to be working, and Ali _did_ seem to be calming down, finally, but Cece wouldn't take any chances. She told Ali that if she kept obsessing over it, and if she caught her crying again, that she would have to take the letter away for good. Ali had accepted this, and Cece had let her deal with it on her own. As Cece stood in front of her with her arm outstretched, Ali knew the game was up. She'd lost.

"I know you don't want to, Ali." Cece said. "But it's for the best. Come on, you know it is. _Please._ Just give it to me. You can't keep doing this."

"You can't take it! It's _my _letter!" Ali retorted.

"And do you really think it's doing you any good? Look at you. You're crying again. This isn't moving on, Ali, this is wallowing in things you can't change. Why do you keep reading it…if it's going to do _this_ to you every time?" Cece gestured towards Alison's red, watery eyes.

Ali sat down on the bed, defeated. She sighed. "Because…" She started. "Because it's all that I have _left_, okay!"

Cece furrowed her eyebrows in concern. "What do you mean…it's all you have left? Ali, you're _still_ here. You're here _now. _That letter…it's over a year old. It doesn't matter any more. So much has happened since then…don't you think you need to start putting it behind you?"

Ali threw her arms up in defeat. They slapped wearily against her sides. "It's…it's just that…Cece…" She started. She threw the mattress up, and grabbed the letter, holding it delicately in her hands as she spoke. "_This_…is the last thing she thought of me before I left." She looked down at the letter, and her voice dropped to a quiet pitch. "This is what I left her with. The feelings in here…are all that she thinks of me."

Cece rolled her eyes. "What? An angry letter she wrote while she was pissed at you? Ali, that's not true. You know it isn't. Okay, fine…she might have said some home truths, but maybe it'll do you good to hear them. Maybe seeing how she felt will stop you from making the same mistake again with someone else."

"Someone _else?" _Ali exclaimed. "I don't want to fix it with someone else! I want to fix _this_ with _her!" _She shouted, holding up the letter.

"Well you can't, Ali. Okay. You need to start moving forward. You need to start processing the fact that it's not going to happen with you two. You had your shot, babe. And I'm sorry, but it's done. You can't go back and change it now. You have to start forgetting about it. You need to move on, and so does she. Forget about it Alison. It's for the best. _Please." _ Cece said bluntly. "I know she said she loved you when you were…you know…_stalking_ her, in the woods, but she was just drunk, Ali. You need to put it away. Lock it in a box, and move on. _Both_ of you need to move on. It's _done. _Accept it.

Alison looked at her in shock. She hadn't heard Cece be so forceful with her about Emily before, and she wondered where it was all coming from so suddenly. Cece was usually quite delicate with her when approaching the subject, and she was usually a little more hopeful than this. She didn't usually tell Ali to give up. Cece couldn't quite look her in the eye, and the two girls knew each other so well, that Ali could tell that Cece wasn't telling her everything.

Ali narrowed her eyes. "What's going on?" She questioned in a nervous voice.

Cece frowned at her. "Nothing." She said a little too quickly. "You just need to move on, that's all." She added. "Anyway, you want some food? I got noodles!" She said cheerily, and Ali could tell she was trying to abandon the subject as quickly as possible.

Ali eyed her suspiciously. "Cece. Is something going on? Why doesn't this feel right?" Ali began to panic. She could tell by the way that Cece was acting that there was a _reason _for her bluntness, and Ali could tell she was keeping something from her.

"Leave it, Ali." Cece snapped. Ali was taken aback.

"Leave _what?" _She asked. "What's going on? What aren't you telling me."

Cece sighed. "Listen, blondie. Anything I'm not telling you, is for your own good, okay."

"I'll decide what's for my own good. Come on. You can't do this to me. What's happening? Why won't you tell me about it." Ali questioned. Her voice shook with nerves.

Cece looked conflicted. Ali could tell she was deciding wether to say something or not, and the fact that it was taking Cece this long to come out with it, was _really _starting to worry her.

"Cece." She said forcefully. "_Please." _Ali sat down on the bed.

Ali watched as Cece closed her eyes slowly, and opened them again, watching Alison with concern. "This will hurt you. I don't want to hurt you." Cece said sadly.

Ali's stomach dropped. _What is going on? What is so upsetting, that she won't tell me about it? Why does she think I'll be hurt?_

Cece sat down on the bed next to Alison, and Ali turned towards her expectantly. She watched as Cece considered her next words. "Are you sure?" She asked quietly.

"Whatever it is, I need to know. I have to." Ali answered, dreading the next words out of Cece's mouth.

"Okay, kid. But before I tell you this, just remember, you're not alone, okay. You've always got me. Don't take it too hard, please." She said hopefully.

"You're scaring me." Ali said nervously.

"Don't be scared. Just..._promise_ me that you won't let this push you back a step. You've come so far, and I don't want anything upsetting you. Ali. You have to be strong, okay."

Ali nodded, but she knew something bad was coming.

Cece took her by the hand. "Ali…Emily is gay." She said.

Ali was confused. _So? I already know she's gay what does this have to do with anything?_

"Yeah…I'm aware of that. So?" She answered.

"No…" Cece trailed off. "She's _out._ She's come out Ali. Everyone knows. She told everyone."

Alison was surprised. She had always wanted Emily to be brave enough to be the person she was born to be, but she never actually thought she would have the courage to do it. She was immensely proud that Emily had finally been able to admit it.

_Wow. She actually did it. Well done, Em. I wish I could have been there for you._

"Really? That's amazing." Ali laughed. "It's about time. It's only been obvious for, like, _ever!" _

Cece didn't smile, and Ali knew there was more to the story.

Alison furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. "What…Cece what's the point of all this? I already know this. What are you trying to tell me?"

Cece squeezed her hand tightly, and looked at her with an apologetic expression. "Oh, sweetie. Listen…she's seeing someone, okay. That's what I haven't told you. She's dating a girl called Maya. She's with someone, Ali. I'm sorry…I'm sorry if it hurts you. I always knew it would." Cece said sadly.

_What? She's what? _Ali's head couldn't process it. _No. She can't be._

_"_What are you talking about?" Ali asked. Her voice shook a little. _No. She's not. She's not dating any one. Cece's probably mistaken._

_"_She has a girlfriend, now." Cece said.

_No she doesn't. She doesn't. Emily doesn't have a girlfriend. She just doesn't._

"No she doesn't." Ali said flatly.

"Ali did you not hear me? Oh…God…I knew this was a bad idea." Cece sighed.

"She can't be seeing someone. You must be mistaken! She can't be…" Ali exclaimed. She grabbed hold of Cece's arm tightly. "Are you _sure?" _She said, looking into Cece's eyes.

Cece covered Ali's hand on her arm with her own hand softly. "Ali listen...yeah…I'm sure. I'm not mistaken. Trust me. I was _very _sure about it. I watched her for a little while, and it's definitely true. I'm sorry, babe." She said kindly, and Ali realised that it was true. She felt her body turn cold.

Ali didn't know what to say. She felt like she'd been punched in the stomach. "Well…did…well…what…I don't…" She couldn't find the words.

"Shh. Ali. It's okay. Don't. Don't ask questions." Cece said. "It's better that you don't know any more. Just leave it at that sweetie."

_Oh my god. I told her to move on…and she did. She actually did. Oh, God._

Ali couldn't speak. She didn't even think her brain would allow her mouth to function at this point.

_She moved on…she actually did move on. _

**Fifteen months after Alison's disappearance.**

Cece had been happy to see that over the last couple of weeks, Ali had started to get little pieces of her personality back. Not the nastiness, or the vindictiveness that she sometimes used to show, but the funny, witty, and clever parts of her were slowly starting to return. That part of her had been gone for so long that Cece had started to forget just how sassy and fiery Alison could be, and she had missed her friend dearly. Cece had tried everything over the months, to get Ali to realise that not _all _of her, had been left behind in that grave. Cece always knew that she was still in there, somewhere, but she'd had absolutely no idea how to get her to realise it. She'd let her process what had happened to her slowly, and had allowed her time to heal. She had let her come to terms with her grief, and pain, and guilt, all the while watching from a distance carefully, as Ali put the pieces of her soul back together. She had thought it was a lost cause, for a long time. The more Alison hid herself away, the more comfortable she got with hiding, and Cece thought she would never be able to return to the life she once knew. She never would have thought that the thing to finally snap Alison out of her melancholy daze…would be _jealousy._

"This is a bad idea. This is _such _a bad idea! If bad ideas had a ruler, _you _would be the Queen!" Cece exclaimed.

Alison laughed. "You sound like me."

"No, honey. You sound like _me. _Don't forget who it was that taught you everything." Cece responded.

"Yeah? Well could you _teach me_ how to not be so jealous? Because I think I might be having an issue with that." Alison chuckled darkly.

"At this point…" Cece looked at Alison's outfit. "I'd have to agree."

"Hey! _You_ bought this monstrosity!" Alison said, indicating to the dark black wig on her head.

"Yeah, but on the packet it didn't look so…_Mortisha Addams…" _Cece chuckled.

"Well, it's all I've got. And I am _not_ dying my hair. So don't start with that again." Ali retorted.

"Just don't throw it in the road, this time." Cece said as the two girls slipped into the front of her blue convertible.

Ali gave her a dark look, but she knew Cece could tell she was only joking.

"You sure you're gonna be able to make it past the bridge this time?" Cece asked tentatively, as she clicked her seatbelt into place. She didn't want to run the risk of not wearing it, in case Ali decided to try and crash the car again.

"Yep. I'm done running." Ali said in a determined voice. "It's not the town that scares me any more. It's that _girl _living in _my_ house. And I want to see what's so _special _about her."

"Meow." Cece said sarcastically.

Ali glanced sideways at her as Cece pulled away from the apartment block. "I just want to see."

"Yeah, well, curiosity killed the cat." Cece said dryly. "Remember that."

"Oh, I think I've used up my nine lives already." Ali responded.

**Three hours later.**

"STOP YELLING!" Cece shouted. "You're going to take my ear off!"

The blue car sped towards Ravenswood as fast as Cece could drive it. She didn't want to risk slowing down, in case Alison jumped out and started running back towards Rosewood.

"I want to go BACK!" Ali screamed. "Turn the car around! Now!"

"No! I think you've seen just about enough for one day!"

"I haven't seen _nearly enough! _WHAT were they doing in there? WHY out of all people she could possibly date…does it have to be HER! Why does it have to be someone that LIVES IN MY HOUSE!" Ali shouted, banging her hands against the dashboard.

"If you break it, you buy it Ali! And we both know you don't have any money so you might want to NOT do that to the front of my car!" Cece shouted in irritation.

"Sorry." Ali said, taking a deep breath. She couldn't quite calm down though, and started shouting again. "I JUST DON'T GET IT! What makes that girl so _special! _You saw her! Did she look special to you! She looked _boring _to me! And ugh, did you see her shoes! What does Emily even see in her? Why did I go? WHY did I watch them! UGH!"

"Alison. You asked for this. You _wanted _to see." Cece said.

"I KNOW THAT! I don't need you to lecture me!" Ali said angrily, but Cece knew that her anger wasn't really directed at her.

Alison hadn't seen much. She had insisted for weeks that Cece take her to her old house. She had at first tried to make it seem like she just _missed_ the place, and wanted to see it again, but Cece knew better. She had regretted telling her that Emily's girlfriend lived in her old house from the moment she'd said it. Cece had tried her best at first not to let much information slip about Maya, but Ali had incessantly questioned her until she was forced to give her the details. Ali had asked about everything, even down to the colour of her eyes, and Cece had reluctantly told her everything she wanted to know. There had been no way she couldn't, really. Alison just hadn't shut up about it.

The trip past the Rosewood sign had been relatively easy, and much less dramatic than the time they had tried before. This time, Ali simply closed her eyes as she crossed the bridge, and although there were a few deep breaths involved, she had managed to get through the journey into town. She hadn't seen much of Rosewood at all, she had had to keep her head down to avoid being seen, but as soon as they pulled into Alison's old street, her head had shot up in surprise. She had to be careful, because being parked outside on the street in the middle of the day really wasn't the best way not to get caught. Alison's old house was so close to Spencer's, that Cece had insisted that they only stay for a quick look.

Of course, they had arrived at precisely the wrong time. Ali had seen the very thing she had wanted, and not wanted, to see. They'd been parked for less than a minute before Emily had slipped out of Maya's front door with Maya following closely behind. The two girls had embraced tenderly before Emily had turned to leave. Cece had seen the door open first, and had started the car immediately. She could tell what was about to happen. Ali had pressed her face up to the window, staring so hard that Cece was afraid her glare might break the glass.

Ali had watched in disgust, and anger, as Maya had pulled Emily sensually backwards, by her shirt. Emily had smiled at the contact, and turned around. Maya's hand had gripped the back of her head, pulling her in for a long, hard, kiss. Emily had leaned into it, pushing Maya back against the door so that her back was up against it. Cece had seen it happen at the same time as Ali, and as soon as she had seen Alison's hand reach for the door handle, she had pressed the central locking button on her steering wheel, and sped off down the street. Alison had been screaming and shouting for the last half an hour, pleading with Cece to go back to the house.

"I'm not lecturing you! But we are _not_ going back. I told you it was a bad idea!" Cece said with a shake of her head.

"FIFTEEN SECONDS ISN'T LONG ENOUGH!" Ali screamed. She let out a loud grunt of frustration.

"Ali, any longer, and you'd have been across the street tackling that girl to the floor. We _had _to leave." Cece said, and Ali knew she was right.

"I'd have done more than that…" Ali trailed off.

"I know. And do you really want that to be the first thing Emily sees when you come back? You fighting with her girlfriend?"

"Come back? I'm not coming back. You saw her. She's _happy._ She's moved on." Ali sulked.

"Oh, for god sake. You saw, like, twenty seconds, at most." Cece said in an exasperated voice.

"I saw enough." Ali said in a dull voice.

"You saw what I told you you'd see, Ali. She has a girlfriend. You knew this before we came. Honestly, I don't know why you even wanted to see who she was…surely it only hurt you more." Cece said.

"I know what you said…I just…I just didn't think…" She trailed off.

Cece answered for her. "You hoped it wasn't true."

"I don't know what I hoped for. All I know is…I wasn't expecting to see _that!" _Ali crumpled her face up in annoyance.

_Well really? What did you expect? You told her to move on. Sure, she was asleep, but some part of her probably heard you. And it probably wasn't even because of you anyway! She probably wanted to move on! It's been over a year! She's not just going to keep pining after a dead girl forever. She's got to live her life. Ugh. And she is. With her._

Ali made a disgusted face. "Ugh! I can't deal with this! Did you see the way she kissed her? Fuck!" She huffed irritably, pulling the black wig off of her head, and throwing it onto the back seat in annoyance.

"Look, she's her girlfriend Ali. I know you hate thinking about it, and I sure as hell wish you hadn't seen it, but It's kind of a given that they're going to kiss...and stuff…" Cece trailed off.

_And stuff. Oh, fuck. I hadn't even thought about that. They're going to sleep together. She's going to have SEX with that GIRL in MY HOUSE!_

"FUCK!" Ali shouted, slamming her hands angrily onto the dashboard again.

"Alison! I swear to lucifer! If you ruin my dashboard I will seriously fucking kill you. And this time you'll stay dead!" Cece yelled.

"I don't CARE!" Alison shouted. "I want that girl out of my house! I want her away from Emily! She's going to fucking sleep with her, isn't she!" Suddenly, Alison's face turned to Cece's in a look of absolute horror. "Do you think they have…already?" She asked.

_Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. No, no, no._

"I don't know, Ali." Cece said in exasperation. "I didn't watch them _that _closely!"

"Well you should have!" Ali scowled.

She knew she was being unreasonable, and that her behaviour was absolutely insane, but she didn't care. She was so furious, that she couldn't concentrate on anything else other than Emily and Maya. She could picture the two of them, rolling around in bed, naked, and laughing as they kissed passionately, and she felt her blood boil.

"I _want_ to go back there. RIGHT. NOW." She demanded.

Cece glanced at her while she drove the car. "Not on your life. Not while you're like this."

"Well I want to. Cece _please. _I can't leave it like that. I need to see more. Please."

"No. It's a bad idea. It's a _terrible _idea." Cece answered. "You're angry, and you're hurt, and you'll end up doing something you'll regret."

"Trust me, I won't regret punching that girl in the face." Ali muttered.

"And that's why we aren't going back." Cece said, as she pressed her foot down harder on the accelerator.

**16 months after Alison's disappearance.**

It had taken four weeks of begging, and pleading, but Cece had finally given in. She didn't think she could take the seething look on Alison's face for one more second. Ali had calmed down about it all somewhat, but she was still angry, and Cece could tell she couldn't let it go until she had seen more. Cece knew that seeing Maya and Emily kiss, had been hard on Ali. Partially because it had been a shock, and partially because it had been only for a brief second. Cece knew that the only image Alison had of the two of them together, was the kiss she had witnessed outside her old house.

When Cece herself had been watching Emily, she had seen much, much more. And she knew that their relationship went much deeper than just a couple of casual kisses. They were together; inseparable, in fact…and from afar...they had looked _very_ close to Cece. She didn't know if it would do Alison any real good to know that they were in a stable, loving relationship. She thought that maybe once she realised it was serious, and that Emily was happy, that she might be able to move on.

She didn't want Alison thinking that Emily was just getting with any old person that came along. Cece could tell from the way Ali spoke about Maya, that she didn't think it was anything serious. Either that, or she was just trying to convince herself it wasn't, to make herself feel better. But Cece wanted Alison to realise that it was really _over_ between her and Emily, even though...it had never really even started. She knew it would be a hard thing for Alison to accept, but she eventually agreed to take Ali back to Rosewood again. She wanted her to be able to finally realise the extent of what was happening. She had to be cruel to be kind; and if seeing Emily and Maya together was what Ali wanted, then Cece hoped with all her heart that it would be what she needed to move on, too.

**Outside Maya's House**

"I swear. I'm only going to look. I just want to see who she is. I want to see if she's good enough. That's all. I _promise _I won't do anything. _Please._ Just let me go. I need to see, Cece."

"Ali..." Cece started to protest, but Alison cut her off.

"No. Listen. I'm calm, okay. Look at me. I'm calm." She said quietly. She tried her best to not look angry. Cece gave her a suspicious look.

"Look. Just let me go. I can't see shit from in here." Ali said. She craned her head to look as far down the street as she could, but it was no use, they were parked too far back.

It was late evening, and Alison and Cece sat inside Cece's convertible, just down the street from Alison's old house. Ali could just make out that the upstairs light was on in _her _bedroom, and she scowled. Her hand moved towards the door handle.

"Move that hand one more inch and you'll lose a finger." Cece warned. Ali pulled her hand back sharply.

"_Why? _Why won't you let me go?" She complained.

"Because…when I first agreed to this…I thought it might do you good. But now, I'm not so sure. I don't know what I was thinking, letting you come back here. It's not healthy for you to be stalking people. Or maybe it is…I don't know. Maybe you _should_ see them together. God, I don't know what's best for you, any more." She sighed.

Ali took a deep breath. _I don't know what's best for me either. But I want to see. I need to see._

"Why don't you let me figure that out for myself. Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do. I know you don't want me to get hurt. But I'm also not stupid, I know you think that I need to see _whatever_ it is that's going on. I know you're confused about what to do…and believe me, so am I. I don't know whether it's going to make me mad, or if it's going to make me _happy_…seeing that she's moved on. But I just need to know what they have together. I want to know what it is. I need to _see_ if she's happy. I need to see _more_ than just a few seconds." Ali bargained.

"My guess is it's going to make you mad. And you know I can't drive us any closer to the house. If someone sees you…are you ready for that kind of confrontation?" Cece asked doubtfully.

"Look. I get it, okay. I know you don't want me going over there by myself. And I know that one of us needs to stay by the car in case I'm recognised and we have to run…but I _will _be okay. I'll be alright. I'm just going to see what she looks like. I just want to see…who she is. I want to know what kind of person is living in my house." Ali said.

Cece wore a worried expression. "You sure you'll be okay? The last time you were in that house…" She trailed off.

"I'm not going inside."Ali said quickly.

"Well you can't just stand at the window and stare at her like a big fat creeper!" Cece exclaimed.

"_Fat?!" _Ali complained in mock alarm.

"Stop deflecting." Cece answered. "What are you going to do? Do you even have a plan? Because this whole thing is starting to feel a bit…weird."

"Of course I have a plan. I can see perfectly well enough if I climb up to the back of the shed. If the shed is still there, that is. I used to do it all the time. Sometimes, when I'd storm out of the house while mom and dad were arguing…I wouldn't actually _leave. _I'd just sit up there and watch them, and wait until they'd gone to sleep, then I'd just climb back in through my window." Ali said with a devious smirk.

Cece looked impressed. "Oh. Okay..." She said with a surprised expression. She hadn't actually thought that Alison had thought her plan through.

"Okay?" Ali repeated. "So…does that mean…I can go?" She asked hopefully.

Cece looked conflicted. "Look, Ali. I'm not your mother…" She started, before realising her mistake. "Sorry. I didn't mean…"

"I know what you meant. It's okay." Ali said calmly.

"Listen, I can't tell you what you should and shouldn't do. I know that I still _do_, but that doesn't mean that you have to listen. You're your own person. I just want what's best for you. I don't know if you watching that girl is going to do you any good. I don't know…" She said with concern.

"Cece. I need to see. I want to see. I'm going to go, okay? Because I can't sit here and argue about it any more. I'm choosing to go. Just…stay here, okay? Watch the car. Make sure nobody comes. Please. I won't be long, I swear." Ali said.

"How long is not too long, exactly? Because I can't sit here and draw too much attention to this car. If people see it here all the time, they're going to start wondering who it belongs to, and I know you don't want people to start noticing me, do you? There's enough people in this town that know we used to be friends. Not many, mind. But there are some." Cece said worriedly.

"I'll be ten minutes. Maybe fifteen. Or…maybe only five seconds, if she annoys me too much." Ali said dryly.

"Okay. Well I'll text you if anybody shows up. You've got the phone I gave you, right?"

"Got it." Ali answered.

Cece gave her a glare. "No turning it off this time. I mean it." She ordered.

"I won't, I swear. I promise I won't be too long, either." Alison said as she clambered out of the car. Before she closed the door, she leaned her head back inside. "Thank you. Really. Thank you for doing this for me."

"Thank me when you get back here safely. And Ali, if anything goes wrong…just…"

"I know. I'll call you." Ali said with a smile. "Be back in a few." She said, and closed the car door.

Ali ran swiftly across the road, and over to the side of her old house. She tried not to pay too much attention to it. It was still hard, though, to see a strangers car in the driveway. As she made her way around the back of the house, being careful to avoid the windows, it dawned on her how absolutely crazy she was being. She had tried to tell herself that spying on people was absolutely _normal, _but she knew she couldn't make a habit out of it. Deep down, inside her mind, she knew that Maya hadn't done anything _wrong. _She liked Emily, and who could blame her, really. But the main thing that annoyed Alison about her so much was that Emily liked her _back_, and she _needed _to see why. This was what she told herself over and over again, as she clambered up the back of her old garden shed.

Alison had climbed up so many times before, that she wasn't surprised at how naturally it came to do it again. It was high, and it was steep, but her feet easily found all the old familiar footholds she so frequently used to clamber up when she lived in the house. She put her foot between the back of Spencer's fence, and used her hand to grip the low tree branch which fell over the garden. It now hung quite far over, which actually made it easier than it had been before to climb up. _Hmm, I guess now that the Hasting's have new neighbours, they must be trying to push the garden boundary lines again. _Ali thought. There was no way her mother or father would have let the branch anywhere near their garden shed. Every time anything from Spencer's house even came close to their garden, her mother or father would go round and ask Mr and Mrs Hasting's to cut it back.

Ali heaved herself over the side of the shed, and crawled on to the top of it as quickly as she could. The surface was flat, and sturdy, and large enough to hold at least five people. Her parents had built it intending to use it as an office, but over the years, it had just ended up being used for storage. There were various bits of wood, and large bricks dotted about on the roof which were left over from when they had built their garden gazebo. Her parents never could stick to one project. They would start their endeavours with the best of intentions, but would always end up arguing, and moving on to the next project.

Alison moved a few large stones out of the way quietly, to stop them digging into her legs. She settled into position against the shadows of the trunk of the large tree which stretched out behind the shed into Spencer's back garden. She looked over towards her old house. She could watch every single one of the upstairs windows from there, and she had spent many nights doing so, back when she lived in the house. She was directly in front of her old bedroom, and she knew that even though you could see in, all you could see when you looked out, was the shadow of the tree. It had been the perfect place to hide for Alison, back when she had needed to be invisible. _Funny how I'm still hiding in the shadows…even now. _Ali thought sadly.

Alison shrank back into the darkness, and searched the windows for Emily's girlfriend. She finally spotted her, moving about in the hallway.

_Right. Let's have a look at you, then. _Ali thought. _Ugh. Get out of my house, you tramp. _She thought irritably. She tried to stop herself from making immature comments, but at times like these, the bitchy side of herself wasn't so hard to control, anymore. She'd got much better at not saying horrible things about people out _loud, _but her inner voice was a lot harder to shut up. _There's just something about her that I just can't stand! What is it! _She wondered. _It's because she's dating Emily. That's why you don't like her, and you know that's all it is._

She watched as Maya moved from the hallway, and back into her bedroom. _Of course! Her room is my room! Why wouldn't it be! Ugh! _She scowled as she saw Maya drop a handful of candles onto the bed. Maya stood back with her hands on her hips, and flicked her long hair back over her shoulders. Ali's jealousy pinched, again. _Ugh. She's pretty. She's actually really pretty. Of course she is! For God sake Emily, couldn't you be dating someone ugly, at least? _Alison thought irritably. _You need to stop._ She told herself. _This really isn't doing you any good. She's just walking around, you can't see anything. She's just…wait…what is she doing? _Ali wondered, as she watched Maya set the candles on top of the windowsill. She crouched back into the shadows, even though she knew Maya wouldn't be able to see her. It was too dark. She watched Maya light them, one by one, and turn off the light. Her bedroom was now illuminated in a romantic golden hue. The light flickered and danced off of the walls, making the room shine and shimmer, in a heavenly fire.

Alison's phone buzzed in her pocket, and she shielded the front screen to stop the light giving away her hiding place, as she read the text message from Cece.

**It's been five minutes. Where are you? **

Ali typed back a reply to Cece as fast as she could.

**Still watching. I need more time.**

Ali waited for a response, and it was a good couple of minutes before she got one.

**Ali, I had to move the car. Spencer came home. She didn't see me. I'm parked a few streets over. You need to come back, now.**

Ali frowned. _Not yet. I want to see a little more. Not yet._

**Just wait there. I'm still watching. I'm safe, nobody can see me. **Ali typed.

Then, after looking at the message again, she added: **I'm not angry, don't worry. **

**I will give you ten more minutes, and that's it. **Cece replied.

Ali closed her phone. _Good. I'll be a few minutes late. She'll get over it._

Ali stared into her old bedroom. Now that the lights were off, and there were only candles illuminating the room, she could only see Maya, her bed, and the far wall. The rest of her room was shrouded in darkness. This was why she didn't notice Emily enter her bedroom, until she saw her familiar outline move into view in front of the window. Ali jumped in surprise. She hadn't realised Emily had even entered the house, let alone the bedroom. She didn't even know she was going to be there, and it was a shock to suddenly see her. She could just make out the brunettes pretty face, and her heart jumped a little. _Hey, Em. Long time no see. Now get out of my house! _Ali thought with irritation. _Get away from that girl. Please._

Ali watched Maya reach out, and gently take hold of Emily's hands in her own. She felt like she wanted to throw up. It had been hard enough when she had seen them for a brief second outside the house, but in the weeks since that moment, she had hoped the pain would have dulled. It hadn't, and Alison was swiftly reminded of this as soon as she saw Emily lean town, and capture Maya's lips in a sweet kiss. Ali closed her eyes briefly, not wanting the memory of it seared into her brain. _She leaned in. She kissed her first. God. It's not like they haven't kissed before. Stop. She always used to kiss me first…fuck. I can't watch this._ But she did. She stayed frozen in place, completely unable to look away.

She could see them talking, their expressions gazing lovingly at one another, and their eyes locked together like there was nothing else in the world but them, and the room, and Ali suddenly realised what was happening. She took in the candles, the single car on the drive, and the intimacy of the set up, and her body turned as cold as ice.

_No. Please no._

She watched in horror as Maya pulled Emily over to the bed.

_God, no. This is…they're going to…I can't. I can't watch this. _Ali felt her entire body seize up, and she _knew_ she had to leave. She knew she shouldn't watch, but for some reason, she couldn't make herself move. _She's going to have sex with her. God! She only just got there! This cannot be happening to me right now, PLEASE! She's going to have sex...with that…with that girl, in my bedroom. In MY bedroom! EMILY! What are you doing! No. This can't happen. _

Alison leaned forward slightly to get a better look. _No. She won't. She won't do it. _She thought, hoping with all her heart that it wouldn't happen. The shock she felt as she watched Maya's hands slip under Emily's shirt, and pull it over her head, was shattering. She let out a small cry of pain in the darkness of her hiding place. _No…this can't be real. _She felt her phone buzz in her pocket, but she ignored it. She couldn't focus on _anything _else but what was going on in her old bedroom, with her old lover. She leaned forward, daring to look a little closer, even though all she wanted to do was run away.

Ali could do nothing but watch as Emily lay back on Maya's bed. She watched the dark skinned girl crawl sensually on top of her, and begin to kiss her way slowly down Emily's neck. _She's being so…gentle with her. _Ali thought in surprise. She watched the way Maya would look up, and glance at Emily before she would carry on kissing her. It was as if she was asking for permission to continue. She noticed how Emily looked nervous, but confident at the same time. It was as if they were carefully testing out each other's boundaries. _Is this…is this her first time with this girl? Is this her first time with anyone? Oh my god. They're not going to fuck. They're not having sex. They're making love. _Ali realised. _Are they in love with each other? Does she love this girl? Emily…Emily why are you letting her kiss you like that? _Ali thought in despair. _Oh, wow. She's is. She's in love with her. Emily wouldn't just do this with any one. She'd only have sex with someone she loved. That's just who she is. _Ali realised, as she watched Emily's body shake under her girlfriends kisses._ Wow._ _I wonder if she blushes for her…the same way she blushes for me..._

Alison would have done _anything _to have had the chance to touch Emily in the way that Maya was doing now, and watching Emily reach behind her back, and pull her bra off, was the last straw. In that moment, she was mesmerised. She had seen Emily naked from the waist up before, but it had been so long ago, and so quick, that she had forgotten just how _beautiful _she was. She could see her beauty now, through the darkness of the candlelit bedroom, and she knew that Maya was seeing it too. _She sees how amazing Emily is…and she gets to have her. She gets to have her, and I don't. I never will. I'll never get to touch her like that…she has no idea how lucky she is. Don't give her any more, Em. Please. Don't let her be your first. God…I could have been…I wanted to. Why was I so utterly stupid. _Alison thought.

Despite how fleeting, and how few, their sexual encounters had been, Ali had still always thought of Emily as something which was entirely _hers. _She had always treated Emily like a possession. Even when Emily had dated Ben, he hadn't ever really been a _threat _to Ali. She had thought of him as nothing more than a distraction for Emily…someone she was just _using_, to pass the time. Alison always knew that the only real feelings Emily had ever actually had for someone…had been for _her. _She had always been so confident, and so _sure_ about the brunettes feeling for her that she had never really considered anyone being able to take her away from her. She watched Emily's eyes flutter closed, a pleasurable expression on her face, and her back arch up as Maya's kisses finally reached her nipple, and Ali suddenly realised that this wasn't true. _She isn't mine. She's not mine to have. I gave her up. I gave her to this girl. This is all my fault, if I'd stayed…I could have had this. I could have had her, like this. I should go. I should let her have this. I can't be watching it. This is hers_. Ali thought as she watched, her eyes brimming with tears.

She could see that the expression on Emily's face was one of utter bliss, and the jealousy was almost too much to bear. She could feel it seeping through her as her whole body shook. She knew she should leave, and let Emily have this moment to herself, but she couldn't move. The grief of what she'd lost…and what she had given up, was too difficult to take. She sobbed quietly in the darkness as she watched Emily slip away from her, into the arms of another. _They're in love. I can see it by how confident she's being…God, they are. Emily loves this girl. She's going to let her touch her…God…and her kisses…if she goes any lower…I just can't deal with this. Emily looks happy...she looks completely at peace. Ugh, and she's enjoying this…her face…she looks like she's going to come from the kisses alone. _Ali scowled as she watched Emily's back sensually arch upwards on the bed under Maya's exploring lips. Her face burned with furious anger. _Get the fuck off of Emily. Get off her. Get off her now! _She glared into the candlelit bedroom. _Jesus! And close your fucking curtains! If I can see in then so can anyone else! _

Ali couldn't stop her anger from boiling over. It happened as soon as she saw Maya's hand slide up the inside of Emily's thigh. It was in that moment, that Ali realised that Maya was about to go further with Emily than she had ever been. She was about to _take _Emily from her. And worse, still, Emily was _more _than happy to let her do it. Maya started to move down Emily's stomach with her tongue, and Alison saw Emily grip the bedsheets tightly in what was obviously a reaction to immense pleasure. Alison's pain, and anger, erupted so suddenly that she didn't even have time to process it.

Ali felt all the hatred she had for the house, the bedroom, and the situation going on inside the walls flood through her all at once, and in a blind rage, she stood up, and reached for anything within arms length. _Nothing good ever happens in this house! It's been nothing but shit, my whole life! Fuck everything! _Her fingers found purchase on one of the large bricks she had previously moved to the side. She picked it up in one hand and her eyes streaked with tears. _Stop. Emily, please stop._ She gave a frustrated cry through gritted teeth, raised her hand, aiming to throw the brick straight through the window. She opened her mouth to shout in anger, but a hand closed across it, suddenly, cutting her off before she could yell.

Alison dropped the brick in fright as she was hauled backwards. The brick crashed onto the roof of the shed, and skidded over the side, banging loudly against the wood as it bounced off the side panel, and fell to the floor. It rolled across the ground and straight into one of Maya's garden ornaments, smashing it into pieces with a loud crack. Ali tumbled backwards against the figure stood behind her. She was pushed down low. The person who had tackled her was holding her against the roof of the shed, pressing their body onto hers as she struggled to move. She tried to cry out, but the hand against her mouth pressed down firmly.

"SHH!" A voice whispered forcefully into her ear. "It's just me. Shut up! Stop moving!"

"Cece?" Ali tried to say, but her voice was too muffled by the hand over her mouth to be audible.

"_Yes, _it's me, Ali. You idiot. I've been texting you for ages! You said you'd be back and when you weren't I got worried. For fuck sake, what the hell are you doing? You said you weren't angry!" She whispered as Alison breathed heavily against her hand.

_Well I lied. _Ali thought. She struggled to get free from underneath Cece's body but her friend held her firmly down. "Stop! Ali…stop." Ali was trapped, and she breathed heavily, her mind seething with rage.

Ali tried to tell Cece to let her up, but she couldn't speak. Cece still held her hand closely against her mouth, preventing her from making any noise.

"Alison, if I let you up, _promise me _you'll calm down." Cece said sternly.

_If you let me up I will smash every window in that house. _Ali thought darkly.

Cece chuckled, her lips pressed to Alison's ear. "Don't even _think _about it. I know you. And you know _me,_ too. Which one of us is stronger, do you think?" Cece warned, and Ali already knew the answer. Cece was always the stronger one, Ali didn't have a chance. "Make one move towards another brick, Ali, and I will throw you off of this shed. I swear to God." Cece whispered.

_She would. She would do anything to stop me from making a mistake. Fuck._

"We need to _go. _And you need to be _quiet. _We are leaving right now, do you understand?" Cece asked.

Ali knew she was beaten. She knew that Cece not only had the upper hand, but that she was _right. _She knew that if Cece hadn't turned up when she had, that she would have probably made a monumental mistake. Breaking and smashing things might seem like a good idea when you're angry, but Ali knew that the moment she stopped to actually _think _about it, that it was the wrong reaction to have. She tried to calm herself down, and focus on clearing her mind. She tried to stop herself from shaking, and she nodded once, to let Cece know she had agreed to calm down. She stopped struggling, and tried to let the tension leave her body.

"Good girl." Cece said, as Ali's body relaxed. Cece tentatively removed her hand from Alison's mouth.

Ali breathed in oxygen deeply as she tried to get her breath back. _Fuck! I am such an idiot. What the fuck am I doing? So much for not being angry. Shit._

"Come on." Cece said, pulling Alison towards the back of the shed by the arm. "Let's go."

Ali took one last look back at the bedroom as she clambered over the back of the shed. She was too far away now to see much, but she could just make out the outline of two figures in the room, one on top of the other; and for the first time, she heard a faint, passionate moan of pleasure come from the bedroom. It had been loud..._very _loud, and Ali knew _exactly_ who had made the noise. She would recognise the sound anywhere. She'd never heard Emily moan quite like _that _before, though. _You asked for this to happen. This is your fault. __You wanted her to be happy. _She thought._ Well congratulations, did that sound happy enough to you? _Her heart skipped in a painful succession of beats. She screwed her eyes shut, and let out a quiet cry. She felt a hand grip her arm firmly as Cece pulled her down from the shed, and dragged her, crying, through the garden.

Cece ran down the street, keeping to the shadows as she pulled Alison along with her. She dipped behind a narrow row of hedges and dragged Alison by the arm, into the alleyway across the street. She finally let go of Alison's hand. "If we cut through here, we can get back to the car. It's only a couple of streets over." Cece said, gesturing into the darkness of the alley.

Ali stared at her, and then immediately started walking back towards the house. Cece grabbed her by the shoulder and spun her around to face her.

"No, Ali. Home. We're going home." She said sternly. Ali looked conflicted for a moment. She was deciding between going back to the car, or back to the house. Cece stood back with her arms crossed, and let Alison make the decision for herself. She hoped it would be the right one. Ali squeezed her eyes shut, and brought her hands up to her temples. She let loud a frustrated noise from the back of her throat as she crouched down in the darkness of the alley way.

Cece crouched down next to her, and Ali looked up at her friend with fresh tears in her eyes. She looked broken. She wiped the tears from her eyes with her sleeve. "Cece…" She started, her voice breaking as she spoke. "I wish…I wish I hadn't come back. I wish I'd listened. They…she…they were…" She finally broke down, and her voice would no longer come out. The anger turned to hurt, and regret, and she couldn't stop the tears from falling freely as she cried loudly, her sobs echoing through the alleyway.

Cece gave her a sympathetic look. "I know hun. I saw. I know." She said kindly. She pulled Ali in for a tight hug, and held her there in the darkness, comforting her in a soft embrace until Alison had calmed down. Ali held on to Cece until she had quietened down…until she could feel her body stop shaking, and she was forever grateful to have someone there who cared for her so deeply.

Cece took Ali by the hand, and lead her back to the car quietly, not daring to discuss with her what had happened. Alison was entirely silent the entire journey back home. She turned her head towards the window, and Cece could see the tears trailing down her cheeks as she stared out absently at the night. It wasn't until they had entered the apartment, that she spoke again.

Ali sat at the windowsill, and looked sadly out into the darkness of the night. She took in the lights of the distant windows, and the stars above her, as she contemplated what she had lost. Cece sat next to her quietly, and waited for her to speak.

"Well…I guess you were right." Ali said sadly. She sighed.

"Right about what?" Cece asked.

"Everything." Ali answered.

_Shes happy. Cece was right. I shouldn't have gone back there. What right did I have to be angry? She deserves to be happy. She deserves the world. She deserves to have someone that would love her like that. It's not fair for me to be jealous. It's not fair for me to watch her from the shadows, either. I had no right to react the way that I did. No right at all. _

"Look, Ali. The incident with the brick aside…I think you reacted pretty well tonight." Cece said.

"_What?" _Ali exclaimed in surprise. "You thought I reacted _well? _That girl nearly lost a window."

"I said the incident with the brick _aside._ Didn't I?" Cece answered.

"So you think me crying in the middle of the street like an idiot was a good reaction?" Ali asked, puzzled.

"No…well, yeah. In a way. It's a normal thing to feel, Ali. Everyone gets jealous…everyone gets hurt. What I'm happy with you about…is that you _stopped._ You calmed down. And you actually listened to me. You walked away." Cece stated. "I'm really proud of you." She rubbed Alison's arm tenderly. "The old Ali would have thrown that brick and twenty more, and laughed afterwards. I can tell that you know it wouldn't have been a good idea. I can tell you know that it would have been a mistake."

"Yeah, well." Ali said doubtfully. "I'm not so sure. If you hadn't grabbed my arm, I'm pretty sure this would have been a different discussion."

"Well I did grab your arm. And you did stop. So just take the compliment, okay?" Cece said.

Ali smiled. "How the hell did you get on top of the shed without me seeing, anyway? Or hearing you? What are you, Pink Ranger?" AIi said sarcastically.

"Oh _please._ An asteroid could have hit and you wouldn't have noticed." Cece said pointedly.

Ali scowled, remembering exactly _why _she had been so distracted. "Yeah…I guess…" She trailed off.

There was a short silence between the two as Ali looked sadly down at her hands. When she spoke again, her voice was quiet, and sincere. "I shouldn't have thought that I had any right to see who she was dating." Ali said. "It wasn't fair."

"Well…" Cece said, giving her a kind look. Her eyes squinted devilishly. "You know what they say…all's fair in love and war." She smiled at Ali. "I know it was hard to see that. I know it can't have been easy. And hey…if I'd have known that they were going to…_you know_…then I would have _never_ let you go back there."

"You know…" Ali started. "Actually…maybe it's better that I did see it."

Cece looked surprised. "You do? Because I saw about two seconds of it and it was enough to make _me_ blush." She suddenly realised what she'd said. "Oh God, Ali... I'm sorry. I just meant…"

Ali interrupted her. "It's okay." She sighed. "I think it was a good thing, in the end. I was so…_selfish, _with her. I never allowed her to belong to anyone else, even before. Maybe I need to learn to not hold on to things so tightly. A lot of the reasons I hurt her before…it was…it was to do with control. I was so busy trying to get it back after everything that happened to me at home…that I took it from other people. Mainly her."

Cece leaned closer, realising that Ali was finally starting to open up, and really realise some things about herself. She didn't respond, she just stayed quiet, waiting for Ali to speak again.

"I just…I was an idiot. I thought that if I kept her close…but not _too _close…if I let her _think _she had a chance, and not really ever give it to her…I thought that she would stay mine. I thought that that was the way to keep her. By leading her on, but never quite allowing anything to happen. It was all so unfair. It was all so…controlled. Seeing her lose control with someone tonight…was horrible, yes. But it also made me realise just how much I'd been holding her back. She was always so afraid to tell me how she felt, Cece. Her letter said so, you can read it yourself."

"I don't need to read it, Ali. I believe you." Cece said.

"Well that was how she felt…she was scared of me. She was scared to tell me…she was scared to act on it, and she was scared to admit it to herself. The worst part was, I made it all worse. I pushed her away at a time when she was most vulnerable. I know how I reacted tonight was bad. But it was just out of love. And I never told her. I never told her that I loved her." Ali took a deep breath. "If that…_other _girl. Maya. If she can love Emily…and give her all the things in the world that she needs to make her happy…then who am I to say anything? I should thank her, really. I should thank her for loving Emily in all of the ways that I was too afraid to."

Cece smiled. It was the first time she had actually heard Alison speak in such detail about her feelings. She had thought Ali would end up shouting and screaming. She had _thought_ that she wouldn't let it drop, that she would _insist _on going back to look, even though it would just make her angry. She hadn't expected _this _reaction at all. She was proud that Ali was finally able to be calm, and rational, and she hoped that even though the night had started off with Alison more angry than she had ever seen her before, that it would end with the blonde finally being able to give up some control. She hoped that Ali was at _last_ able to do something selfless, and let Emily go.

"So…I'm confused. You're happy now?" Cece asked.

Ali turned to her and smiled wryly. "I wouldn't say that. But…I'll deal with it. I'll have to. If Emily is happy…then that's all that matters. This shouldn't be about me, and how I feel. This should be about her. And…I guess…she's happy…so…." Ali couldn't quite finish.

"I get it." Cece said. "Ali, you'll be okay. I promise." She smiled sweetly.

"Maybe." Ali said. "Maybe I will." She looked back out towards the distant street lamps, and watched the world pass by.

_Maybe I can be a little less selfish, for once._

**Authors Note: well! That was the end of part two, but it's basically going to continue straight on with Ali's disappearance in part three. I promise it'll be posted very soon. I hope you guys understand why I decided to cut it. It was just so, so long and it would have been too much in one go. You should get the next update in the next couple of days and I thought you guys would rather have it in two parts than wait ages for the whole thing to be edited. **

**Gosh, I have been overwhelmed writing this because it's just so complicated and intricate, and I seriously hope it's not getting boring for you guys. I just wanted to really get into Alison's character. On the show she always has this big enigma of a question mark over her head when it comes to why she does things, and how she feels, and I really didn't want to rush this part of her character development. There is a ton of emison stuff coming up, and I can't wait to get into all the season five scenes! They are imminent and there's a lot more to this story that hasn't been seen yet! In the next chapter there will be an incident that alison has to deal with on her own, and her version of the barn scene, too. **

**Please let me know if you're all still with me and not getting tired of Ali. I hope you're all doing well. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who is reviewing and helping me through this because you have no idea how much this story means to me and to share it with you is everything to me. I love the emison fandom, you guys are all so kind. I love you all! My Twitter is hauntedtwilight come say hi! **


	26. Gone Girl - Part Three

**Authors Note: Hey guys! Told you I wouldn't be too long posting part three! Sorry you guys had to have it split up, but it was honestly better this way. It was a lot to take in one go otherwise! Well! I'm so glad to finally be able to post this last part! I'm beyond amazed that you guys responded so well to this disappearance business. I was expecting everyone to hate it but you guys have been so encouraging! Thank you! **

**The person who referred to Alison as having a "bitch switch" I can't tell you how much I think that perfectly describes it! That's a great choice of words! It really is! I might use that line later on because it's seriously exactly what she's got! I really wanted to explore Alison's jealousy in the last chapter because even though she's sad and depressed, I wanted to see what would finally snap her out of it a bit, and I really feel like jealousy with her is the worst button to press. She reacted that way with the paige thing with the letter too and I thought well, she ain't gonna like Maya! Haha! **

**Also the person who asked how I'd deal with the story if Cece turns out to be A in the show, I know I answered you on Twitter but I'll answer it here too! No matter what the show does, I'll still change things around. I'm kind of ignoring season six mainly because of Sara Harvey and Lorenzo (ew) and so no matter who turns out to be A, it won't affect this story. I'll still choose my own villains, I'll just put a different spin on it. Well, that's the hope lol. Also, I am quite dearly attached to Cece, I see her and Ali as sort of a Thelma and Louise, so I'm kind of stealing Cece and making her my own character. :)**

**InlovewithEmison: I hope your dad didn't catch you with the phone haha! 3**

**Guest who asked whether I'd take emison where I want them to go or go with the pace of the show: I'll pretty much just do whatever I want with them I think. I like to use the show as a guideline for scenes, but I'm already way off canon so it'll pretty much just be what I would want to happen. (And I can't deal with the S6 love interests lol) xx**

**Thank you guys for sticking with Alison through all this! And thank you SO much for being so interested! I know I go on and on and take a long time to make my point but I'm just doing it because I want to give them real feelings, and a persons heart is never shallow. I hope you enjoy gone girl part three! Xx**

**20 months after Alison's disappearance.**

"It won't be for too long…I hope." Cece said with a look of sympathy in Alison's direction. She moved about the room, packing a large suitcase full of her clothes.

Ali stood quietly in the middle of Cece's apartment. She eyed the suitcase on the bed with longing. "I wish I could fit in there, and go with you." She said glumly. _Why did this have to happen now? _

"Oh, hun. I wish you could too, but it's a long way to Italy, and I don't think even you could hold your breath that long." Cece answered, as she tried to make space in the side of the large case for yet another pair of boots.

"Oh, I don't know. I can hold my breath for a pretty long time. I might surprise you." Ali said dryly, thinking about the night she had crawled out of the woods. Cece knew what she was remembering, and didn't answer. She didn't like it when Ali made jokes about that night, it made her uncomfortable. Ali was getting better about talking about it, though. The fact that she _could_ make jokes about it now, was something in its self.

Alison had perfected the art of existing inside the apartment, with little contact with the outside world. She wouldn't even open the door for the mail man, and she had got very used to living in a confined space for a long period of time. It gave her comfort, and by now she was used to...feeling comfortable in the silence of the small space. She was used to the routine that her and Cece shared, and the current turn of events which was unfolding, had unnerved her.

Cece had been woken in the middle of the night by a phone call from her mother. It turned out that her grandmother, who happened to live in Italy, was sick. Cece wasn't close to her mother at _all, _in fact, they barely even spoke. It turned out to be a running trend in the family, because her mother hardly spoke to her grandmother either, which left Cece in a bit of a predicament. Her grandmother was dying, and there was nobody around who cared enough to take care of her. At best, the doctors had told her she had only about four months left to live. Cece's mother had told her in no uncertain terms that she wouldn't be going over to visit, and that she would say her goodbyes on the phone, instead. Cece, being the kind hearted person that she is, just couldn't make peace with that. She couldn't let her grandmother die alone.

She had considered _not _going, of course. She didn't want to leave Ali alone in the apartment…but Alison had insisted that she go. She didn't want to be responsible for allowing Cece to make that kind of decision, just for her. It would be daunting, being alone in the apartment, and it would be a challenge, but Alison didn't really have another choice. She knew that Cece would never forgive herself if she didn't go and stay with her grandmother in her last days, and Alison didn't want the guilt of it on her conscience either. She was trying really hard not to be selfish, and she knew that even though it would be difficult to be left alone, she would just have to get on with it.

Cece packed her towel tightly on top of her suitcase, ensuring that it was holding everything in. Ali could see at least three pairs of boots trying to escape the case. "Are you sure you're going to need all those shoes in the mountains? Surely flip flops would be better?" Ali asked.

"Oh _please. _If I could bring _more _shoes, I would! If I have to spend four months in the middle of nowhere, then I'm at least going to look good." Cece said dryly.

Ali laughed. She looked down at the bedspread, suddenly feeling nervous. "You sure I can't go with you?" She asked quietly.

Cece gave her a look of sympathy. "Oh, Hun. You know you can't. I don't think they even let you near the airport these days without a passport." She joked, and it was just another reminder for Alison that she was trapped. She couldn't leave the country, not even if she wanted to. She had no passport, no money, and no way of fending for herself. She relied entirely on Cece, and the worry of losing her security blanket, was getting worse by the second.

Cece noticed her pained expression. "Ali...I can always stay…" Cece started.

"No...you know you can't, Cece." Ali answered with a sigh. "And you shouldn't. You and me both know you've got to go." Ali ran her fingers through her hair.

Cece gave her a sympathetic look.

"It's just…what if…what if I can't do it. What if I can't be alone?" Ali asked meekly. _What if I go insane up here all by myself?_

"_Sweetie, _you're the most capable person I know. You _will _be okay. And it won't be forever. I'll be back before you know it. The store is just downstairs. You can use the disguise if you need to go down for food. I've left you money. It's in a bag under the sink. You can use the car, if you need to get out, too." Cece said, her voice straining as she tried to close her case, which was almost bursting at the seams with the amount of clothes she had tried to force into it.

_Really? She trusts me enough with the car? Shit. _Ali thought.

"Really?" Ali said in surprise. "I'm surprised you would trust me…you'd really trust me with the car?" She said doubtfully, and cast her eyes down towards the floor.

Cece stopped trying to zip up her suitcase, and walked over to where Alison was standing. She took her by both hands, and squeezed them gently in her own. "_Yes." _She said kindly. She rubbed the back of Ali's hands with her thumbs. She searched Alison's face, trying to make eye contact as Ali stared down at the floor. "I trust you, Ali. I know you won't do anything stupid. I can see how far you've come…" She trailed off, pushing Ali's hair behind her ear affectionately in a sisterly gesture. Ali looked up and smiled in gratitude. "You've become so…mature. You're dealing with everything _much _better than before. Over these last few months, I've really seen you calm down. I've seen you process everything…and I've seen you _grow up. _You can do this. I know you can. I trust you with the car, I trust you with the apartment, and I trust you with _yourself._" Cece said sincerely.

"I'm not sure I do…" Ali breathed. _I'm not sure if I can do this by myself._

"Well I'm only a phone call away. You know that, right?" She asked. Alison nodded.

"Just promise me one thing." Cece said suddenly. "Don't sit up at that window all day, okay. Go out. I know it's hard, and I know you'll have to wear the disguise, but at least _try_ and go for a walk or something, every now and again. I don't want to be stuck in Italy worrying that you're turning into Howard Hughes while I'm gone." She said pointedly.

Ali nodded in agreement, but she didn't really think she would end up leaving the apartment. She planned to hide out in it until Cece returned, but she didn't want to tell Cece the truth. She didn't want her to worry while she was away. Cece had enough to deal with with her grandmother dying, to be concerned about her.

"All right. Well…if I can close this suitcase, then I guess I better get going. I better call a cab." Cece said.

Ali nodded again, and Cece took in the panicked expression on her face.

"Alison. You _will _be okay. You can do this." She said firmly.

"I can. I will." Ali answered with a forced smile.

**Forty minutes later.**

Cece was dragged her heavy suitcase over to the stairs. Her cab had been waiting for at least ten minutes already, and Ali was trying desperately to prolong the limited time she had left with her friend. She had said her goodbyes already, but watching Cece leave, finally, was heart wrenching.

Cece opened the apartment door. She pushed her suitcase outside, and turned back to Alison as she stood glumly in the doorway.

"Don't give me that look. You'll make me want to stay." Cece said affectionately.

"That's the point." Ali said miserably. She pouted, and she knew that she probably looked like a child...but Cece was like a sister to her, and really, she was the _only_ person Alison had to look out for her.

"This isn't goodbye. It's a see you soon. Remember that." Cece said. "Don't worry, blondie. I have faith in you. You'll be okay. You'll be _fine_. Just…try and stay out of trouble, okay?" She said pointedly.

Ali sighed. "I will. I promise."

Cece gave her a knowing look. "No bricks. No crazy stalking. No meltdowns. Okay. That's an order."

Ali rolled her eyes. "Yes ma'am" she saluted sarcastically.

"Hey! I'm not fifty. Don't call me ma'am." Cece retorted.

Alison laughed, feeling the mood lighten a bit. _I'll miss you, and the way you always manage to make me laugh, even when I'm feeling sad._

"I'll miss you." Ali said affectionately, and she really, _really _meant it. _How can I ever thank her for what she's done. _"Cece…I want to just say…before you go…" Ali started, but Cece cut her off.

"Don't get sentimental on me, blondie. You know I'll be back before you know it." Cece said as seriously as she could, but Ali could see the slight hint of tears in her eyes. She knew Cece was trying to be strong, and she knew she was doing it for _her._ She didn't want Alison to see her break, and Ali knew it. She was secretly grateful, because if Cece started crying, Ali knew there was no _way _she wouldn't break down herself.

Ali nodded, and fought hard not to cry herself. She didn't want Cece to leave, but she knew that she _had to_, and she didn't want to make her feel any more guilty than she already did.

"You need help with that?" Ali asked, indicating to the suitcase, and trying to change the subject. Her heart sank as she realised that Cece was about to leave her.

"Nah. I got it. Im good, babe." Cece said with a fake cheeriness to her voice.

Ali stared silently at Cece, and Cece held her gaze. A moment of understanding passed between them. They both knew that each was trying to be strong for the other, and that it was better if no more words were spoken. Their goodbye was said only with their eyes, and both girls held a knowing smile on their lips.

Ali suddenly reached out, and hugged Cece tightly with both arms. Cece held her back in a tight embrace, before pulling back to look her in the eyes. "Don't miss me too much." She winked, and smiled devilishly.

_She always has to have the last word. Typical! _Ali thought affectionately, as she watched Cece walk down the steps to the apartment, and close the doors.

As soon as Cece left, Ali ran to the windowsill...and watched as Cece hauled her large case into the back of the cab. She put her hand up to the window and held her palm up to the glass in a parting wave as Cece slid into the front of the cab. Ali's heart stabbed with pain as she watched Cece drive away, holding her own palm up to the cab window too, until she was out of sight.

_She's gone. I'm alone._

Ali's palm slipped from the window, and her arm fell limply back against her side. She slowly turned around and looked around cautiously. She took in the daunting silence of the empty apartment, and sighed.

**21 months after Alison's disappearance. **

_It's only been a month, but it feels like a __year.__ It was okay at first. It wasn't so bad to be by myself. I actually quite enjoyed the first two weeks. Well…I wouldn't say enjoyed exactly. But I felt comfortable with it. The first night was a bit weird, though. I've spent so long depending on Cece that knowing I had a whole chunk of time ahead of me where I had to look after myself…well, let's just say I didn't get much sleep. It got better, though. Cece has, like, a ton of DVDs. Like a ton. I think that's literally all she used to do in her spare time before she had me to deal with. I'm pretty sure she just used to sit around watching TV because wow…that girl has quite the collection. I've pretty much been through them all now, though. _

_Now that it's been a month, I'm starting to get cabin fever. I know I'm going to have to go downstairs to the store at some point soon. Well, I should have gone last week, really. There's literally only one pack of noodles left. There's no milk, no bread, and no sugar. Oh…and there's also no coffee left. Not that I need any more caffeine. I avoided going down there for the first month because I just don't feel comfortable out in public on my own. It was okay when Cece was here, she always knew just what to do if anything went wrong. But if anyone recognised me…I don't think I'd know what to do. It's becoming impossible to stay up here for much longer, though. When I say I've completely run out of food, I'm not exaggerating. There's literally nothing left in the kitchen. I spent three days last week making the last of the cereal last, and without milk, too. Yeah. Not good. There are some tinned tomatoes in the cupboard, but I hate them. I'm not eating them. I'd rather starve._

**21 months and three days after Alison's disappearance.**

_I ate the tomatoes. They were gross. I definitely think I need to leave this apartment, now. I don't know what's happening to me. I think I'm starting to get paranoid. It's because I'm alone, that's what I keep telling myself. That's all it is. I called Cece, and she told me not to worry, and that I'm just being silly. She told me to go downstairs and get food before I end up starving to death. She's dealing with her grandmother as best she can, but she said it's still going to be a while until she can come back. I tried not to sound too disappointed on the phone. There's nothing she can do about all this over there, and to be honest, she's done enough. I won't tell her how I'm feeling. I'm going to try and deal with it on my own, and not call her. _

_Last night, something strange happened. I don't know if I'm going crazy…or if I'm imagining it…or what, but I know I saw something in the alley across the street. I saw it before, too, back when I first moved in here. It's these weird flashes. It almost seems like someone's taking photos down there. But that's insane, surely? Isn't it? God! What is wrong with me! If I don't leave these rooms soon I'm going to start talking to myself! And look! I already am! I'm just writing to myself, instead. Fuck. I'm hungry. I need to get some food._

**21 months and five days since Alison's disappearance**

_So...I went to the store. I'll just wait here for my round of applause…oh, wait. There won't be one, will there, because I'm still by myself! But anyway, I don't need a round of applause. I need an oxygen mask. I fucking nearly had a panic attack. I don't even know what I ended up buying. I think I ended up leaving with three loaves of bread, and twenty packets of noodles. I just grabbed the first things I saw, really. I'm lucky that the store is just downstairs, because any further, and I think I'd have collapsed. Why can't I get my confidence back? I used to have __so__ much of it. I thought I'd snapped out of the worst of all this…grief. But now that I'm on my own…I'm realising just how messed up I still am. I feel like a nervous wreck. I think it's just because I'm on my own._

_I saw something, too…on the notice board of the store. It was old, and it was hidden behind a couple of other signs, but I saw this poster. It was for a missing girl. Her name was Sara something, and she looked so familiar. I don't know why, but I felt like I'd seen her before. I don't know what happened to me…it was like…I don't know…it all just…came crashing down. One minute I was buying noodles, and the next…I was thinking of that dead body they pulled out of the river. I was thinking about the grave…the woods…just everything. Just that one small thing brought it all back. I just kept thinking to myself: what if that's the girl? What if she's the one that's buried in my grave? What if her parents are looking for her…and she's already dead? Shouldn't they be told. Fuck. Shouldn't someone check…and see who the body belongs to? It's sure as hell not me. They all think it is…but it's not. There's a dead, decaying body in my grave, and her parents…her parents don't even know. Then…I thought of my parents, and how they didn't even care. My parents wanted that to happen to me. They wanted me to rot. In the split second that I noticed the poster, I totally broke down. I ran out of there as quickly as I could, and the cashier gave me such a weird look. God, I'm a basket case, what must I look like. Even the other customers looked at me like I was a crazy person. Well, I suppose I must have looked pretty insane with a basket full of noodles. _

_When I ran out of the store, I stayed in the alley across the street for a few minutes, trying to calm myself down. I was border line hysterical. I could feel myself struggling for breath, and I leaned against the wall with my eyes closed. I couldn't stop a few tears from falling, either. How silly. I didn't realise there was anyone else in there until I saw this guy huddled in the corner. I think he was homeless. He was young, and kind of cute, too. I was shocked at first, because he looked, like, straight at me. I was afraid that he'd recognised me for a second, but I think he was just looking at me because I was quite obviously in a state. He actually smiled, and asked me if I was okay. I told him I was, but I think he could tell that I wasn't. He didn't push me on it, though. _

_He asked me if I was hungry. He'd obviously seen the noodles. It was a bit weird talking to someone other than Cece. The cashier didn't count, she was mean. But this guy actually seemed quite genuinely concerned. At first, I thought he would laugh at me, when he saw my bag full of food, but he didn't. I ended up giving him one of the loaves of bread, and we chatted for a while. He asked me my name, and of course, I told him it was Vivian, not Alison, but one white lie can't hurt. It was nice to talk to someone other than myself, for once. He wouldn't tell me his first name, but he said he went by his last name, which was Cyrus, and I remember he laughed because I asked him if his first name was Miley. I only stayed down there for a little while, but it actually felt kind of nice to just be outside for a while. I liked the way he didn't ask many questions. He seemed like the type of guy who would just take you as you are. I think I'm kind of lonely. I miss Cece._

**21 months and two weeks since Alison's disappearance.**

Ali skipped down the last few steps of the stairs, and out onto the street. The weather was warm, and the air was humid, and the evening light was just beginning to dim into the blackness of night. She took a deep breath. She had gradually got used to coming outside by herself more and more over the last week or so. She had made a few failed attempts to go to the store, but eventually, after the first couple of nervous attempts, she had finally got over her fear. She could now come and go as she pleased, relatively easily. She'd only been downstairs about three times, but she was beginning to not feel so exposed. The fear of being recognised had lessened, and she was starting to get more comfortable straying further from the apartment.

Alison wandered into the store with her black wig firmly fixed to her head. She had got much better at not fiddling with it, and _finally _she had learned to put it on straight by herself. She browsed the aisles casually, picking up various different food items. She bypassed the noodles section. She had had _far _too many over the last couple of weeks, and she was beginning to get sick of them. She paid for her items, being careful to pick out some healthier options this time, rather than just things which were _easy_ to make. She eyed a pack of Cheetos and grabbed them, shoving them into the basket with a sneaky smile. _Well…just because I can't cook very well. _She told herself. Being self sufficient was actually a lot easier than she had first thought it would be, but she still had trouble with the oven on occasion. Cece had left her enough money to get herself through the months she would be gone, and Ali kept it hidden in a bag under the kitchen sink. She was trying to only spend a limited amount.

Ali walked out of the store with her bags, and was about to enter the code to enter the apartment, when a man's voice sounded out behind her.

"No noodles this time?"

Ali turned sharply, not realising any one was stood behind her. She took in the man's tall frame, and relaxed. She was surprised to see that it was Cyrus, the boy she had spoken to in the alleyway a few days before. He was dressed in a tracksuit, his hair was messy, and he held a large bag over one shoulder. Ali smiled casually, a little on edge. She still wasn't completely used to talking to strangers again, but as they'd met before, Ali didn't see the harm in a quick conversation. She didn't get to talk to any one much, these days, and it was nice to see a familiar face.

"No." She looked at her bags shyly. "I think I bought just about enough last time, don't you?" She joked.

Cyrus smiled, and pulled his large rucksack over his shoulder, so that it rested more comfortably. "You could say that." He answered.

There was an awkward silence, as neither person knew what to say next. They both went to speak at the same time.

"So you—" Cyrus said.

"I better…" Ali spoke. They both laughed nervously.

"You go." Cyrus offered.

Ali smiled. "I was just going to say…I better take these bags up before my pizza starts to defrost." She said awkwardly.

"Ahh…wouldn't want that. I was going to say before…you live up there, then?" He asked, raising his head towards the upstairs apartment window above Alison's head.

Ali didn't quite know how to answer. "I…I'm just…house sitting." She said quickly. "For a friend."

"Really?" He said inquisitively. Ali wasn't sure why, but he didn't seem like he believed her.

"Yeah, she's out of town." Ali said. _Oh, Alison. You idiot. Well done, just go and tell any old stranger that you're home alone, why don't you. God I am such an imbecile sometimes. _Ali chided herself.

"Well that's nice of you." Cyrus said.

"Yeah…I guess." Ali answered.

"So you don't get bored? Up there by yourself?" He asked.

"I guess it gets kind of lonely, yeah." Ali said truthfully. She didn't know _why _she had said it, it had just come out. _Wow, you're a real blabber mouth today. Stop telling everyone your business! It'll get you in trouble! _

Cyrus looked at Ali inquisitively, as if he was trying to suss her out.

"You know…when I saw you the other day you looked kind of…freaked out. I was a bit worried about you. I didn't say anything…because, you know. Didn't want to be weird." He said with a smile.

"I was just…I was just having a bad day, that's all." Ali lied. "But thanks…for worrying." She added.

Cyrus stayed quiet for a moment. He looked at Ali right in the eyes. "Listen. I don't want to come off…strange. I know you only just met me, but I have eyes, I can see. And you didn't _look_ all right. Just saying. I've been around these parts for a while…and I can tell when someone's…in trouble. When they're not…happy. You look like you could use someone to talk to."

Ali was shocked. It was the last thing she had expected him to say. _Why the fuck does he think that? What the hell? Where did that come from? Am I so messed up that a perfect stranger would see it?_

Ali have him an odd look. "I'm fine. Really." She said sternly, hoping to get away as soon as possible.

Cyrus stood back a step. He shrugged his shoulders lightly. "Okay. If you say so. Like I say…I don't want to come off strange. I've probably freaked you out…some homeless guy who lives in an alley…" He trailed off, and turned to walk away. Before he left, he seemed to change his mind, and whirled back around to face Ali again. "It's just that…well…if there is something wrong…I'm staying in a hostel about two blocks over. It's a house with a red door. Well...it's not a hostel exactly…_per se…_but it's safe. Nobody there judges you, and it's quiet…it's just a place to go if you need to get away, for a while. I'll be there, if you need to talk." He said. Ali looked at him with a bewildered expression.

"What makes you think I need to talk?" She asked. _What makes you think I need your help?_

_"_I sleep in the alley, Vivian. I see a lot. I know that the girl that lives up there...the one with the car? I know she left a while ago, and I haven't seen you leave the apartment more than three times since. I may be out of line, and you can tell me to fuck off, if you want, but it just seems like you're not okay. That's all."

"Are you spying on me?" Ali asked irritably.

"No. I'm just observant. Like I say, when you're sitting around all day, you can't help but see things, especially when they're right in front of you." He said.

Ali frowned. She just wanted to get away. "Yeah, well I'm fine, thanks." She said bluntly.

Cyrus held his bag straps tightly and held his fingers out in a backing off gesture. "Okay. No problem. Well…you know where I'll be. It was nice seeing you again."

"Yeah, you too." Ali said shortly. She moved towards the door. Before she could slip inside, Cyrus spoke one last time.

"Oh…and Vivian?"

"Yes?" Ali answered irritably.

"You should just dye your hair, it works better than a wig. _Trust me!" _He said, his voice light, and his expression one of distinct amusement. Ali opened her mouth in shock as she watched him skip away across the street. She didn't even have the words to react. _Fuck. Fuck, fuck fuck. What the hell was that? _She closed the door tightly.

**21 months, three weeks, and four days since Alison's disappearance. Cece's spare room. 9.40pm.**

Ali had gone to bed early, and was lying awake, staring at the ceiling. She had found it hard to sleep ever since her conversation with Cyrus outside the apartment a week or so before. She hadn't seen him since, but the fact that someone had noticed her distress, was unnerving. She didn't want it to be obvious, she didn't _want _people to be able to notice that she was hiding something. In fact, she didn't want people to notice her at _all._ She hadn't been able to stop replaying the conversation in her head.

Worse, still, Ali couldn't sleep. She had begun to feel as though she was being watched. Or…that something was just…_off _about the apartment. At first, she thought that Cyrus' statement about _observing _things had just gone too much to her head, but the more she thought about it, the more paranoid she became. She wished he hadn't said it, because now, the more she thought about it, the more she worried that _other _people were watching her, too. She knew it was just a consequence of being alone for so long, and she knew that it was probably all in her head, but she worried, still. A couple of times the had panicked in the middle of the night, thinking that someone was rattling the door handle to the apartment. She had got up, and nobody had been there, but she was still left unnerved. On top of that, she was _convinced _that _someone _was still taking pictures, outside. It had started off with just an inkling after she had seen the first couple of flashes go off, but _now, _after being isolated for so long, it had developed into full blown paranoia.

As she lay in the darkness, trying to take her mind off the uneasy feeling coursing through her, her thoughts drifted inevitably back to Rosewood. She closed her eyes, and tried to picture the one thing she knew would calm her down. But she soon found that the more she tried to picture Emily's face…the harder it became to sleep. When she tried to picture the brunette, she would find herself focusing on her eyes. She could see them…big, and brown, and beautiful, staring back at her nervously as she tried to hold Alison's gaze. It was a look Ali knew all too well, and could conjure up at a moments notice. They had had so many long, lingering gazes between them over the years that Ali knew every fleck of gold in Emily's chocolate eyes. She knew every freckle on her face, too, and exactly which shade of red she would turn when she blushed, depending on what they were talking about…or doing. Seeing Emily's face, had always been a comfort to Alison. The only time she could feel like she wasn't so alone, was when she could imagine Emily lying next to her, as they had done so many times before…such a long, long, time ago.

Ali tried to fall asleep to the image of Emily lying next to her, but she couldn't. Every time she tried, the image shifted, and she would see Emily lying on her back, with a strangers form above her, the shadow of a girl dragging her fingertips down her naked chest, and kissing her deeply. Ali couldn't stand it. No matter how much she tried to shake it off, it _always _turned into something she didn't want to see. _I can't even dream about her any more. _Ali thought sadly, as her eyes flickered open. _I can't even picture her face…without seeing that girl. _

Ali sat up, and looked around the room sadly. She felt so alone in the dark apartment, and the silence of the night seemed deafening to her. _I should sleep with the TV on. I should sleep with some noise…because this silence, is just too much. _She thought.

**10.42pm that same night**

She didn't know why, and she didn't know when, and she _definitely _knew it was a bad idea, but at some point during the last hour, Alison had decided to find the house with the red door. She had woken up, and looked around the silent apartment, and realised that she just couldn't take it any more. She had jumped so hard at the sound of a tree branch scraping against the bathroom window, that she had thought her heart was going to burst out of her chest. It had scared the living daylights out of her, and Alison had just about had enough. She was sick and tired of being on her own, and she had decided to try and find some company, even if only for a little while. She didn't know why, but something about the boy in the alleyway intrigued her. Perhaps it was because she recognised another lost soul, she didn't know. All she knew was, she needed to get out of the apartment, before it drove her insane. She didn't bother with the black wig. It was dark, so nobody would see her anyway, and besides, she was pretty sure that Cyrus had already discovered that it was a disguise. She threw on Cece's red coat and tiptoed out of the apartment.

It didn't take her long to find the house, it was only a few streets away, and Ali quite enjoyed walking outside when not many people were around. She stood in front of the cracked, peeling red door, as she considered carefully whether she had made the right decision. _This is crazy. This is insane. Go home. What are you doing here? You don't even know this guy…or who else is in there. _She thought. _But what else are you going to do? Go back to that apartment, where you can't sleep, and you can't breathe, without feeling like the walls are going to close in on you? Cece was right, she told you to get out. She told you not to sit at the window, day after day. She's trusting you to get through this without her. You can't just sit in there and go crazy. Knock on the door. Talk to people. Talk to anyone. Just don't spend another night alone._

Ali knocked on the door. She waited for a couple of minutes, before a smiling face answered. She didn't even need to say anything to him, he just opened the door, and let her inside. Ali smiled back, and allowed Cyrus to lead her quietly through the house.

**12.57am that same night.**

Ali sped towards Rosewood as fast as Cece's car would take her. She didn't even worry about getting a ticket for speeding. The police could catch her, for all she cared. Tears streamed down her face as she hit the gas pedal harder, holding the wheel with one hand. The car revved angrily as she pushed it to go faster. Her other hand shook as it pressed tightly against a deep gash on the inside of her thigh as she tried to keep the blood from spilling down her leg. She held her palm against the wound with as much pressure as she could. She winced as a sharp pain shot through the cut and she felt almost sick as a fresh spurt of blood oozed out between her fingertips. _I'm in trouble. I'm in so, so much trouble. _

Ali never thought she would be so _happy _to be going back to Rosewood. She never thought for one second, that she would be hurtling towards it at a hundred miles an hour…_alone, _to top it off. Passing the _welcome to Rosewood _sign seemed like a great relief, for once, as she tried to leave what had happened in Ravenswood behind her. She clutched her fingers tightly against the inside of her leg. She could feel that there was slightly less blood coming out now, but it was still incredibly painful, and she prayed she wouldn't need stitches. She couldn't go into a hospital, or they'd ask for identification, and she _really _hoped she wouldn't end up having to deal with the cut on her own. _God, it hurts. Please heal. Please. _She slowed down as she passed the bridge, realising that she was safely within the town limits. She drove quickly to the only place in the world she could think of to go. Her old house.

Ali turned the headlights off as she pulled into her street, hoping that nobody would see her. It was late, after all. She didn't know what good it would do her to come home, it wasn't even her house any more. Still, the apartment wasn't safe any more, and she had _nowhere _else to go. She knew she couldn't go inside, it was Maya's house now, not hers…but she wasn't thinking straight. She just wanted to see something familiar. Maybe it was the comfort of possibly seeing Emily there that drew her to the house, she didn't know. All she knew was that she needed to go _somewhere _else. _Anywhere_ to remove the memory of what had happened to her behind that red door, in Ravenswood.

Ali clutched at the wound on her leg as it throbbed with pain. _Fucking bastard. _She thought angrily. It was a deep cut, high up on her thigh, and a small part of Ali's brain was thankful it wasn't anywhere more noticeable. It was high up enough, though, that she would have trouble walking for a while. She had tried to call Cece but in her haste to get out of the apartment, she had dropped the phone somewhere in the kitchen as she rushed to get the last remaining food, and the rest of her cash from the bag under the sink. _And there's not much money left, either. Not after…not after he took it. Not after he…_

Ali couldn't bring herself to remember the rest. She shoved the memory out of her brain as she tried to figure out what to do next. She knew she couldn't just sit outside Maya's house in Cece's car all night, or someone would notice her. She knew she had to _move, _she just didn't know where to go. It was then that she noticed something _incredible. _She didn't know why the universe was choosing to be kind to her, but she thanked her lucky stars that on this night…this most _terrible _of nights…that it was. What she saw in front of her, in big, bold, shiny letters, was a sign that read: _Sold._

_They've moved out. _Ali thought in surprise. She felt her heart jump inside her chest in excitement. _The house is fucking empty! They've moved out! Oh my fucking God! _She didn't know when, and she didn't know why, but Maya clearly didn't live there any more. Ali looked at the state of the front lawn and realised that in fact, _nobody _had been living there for quite some time. _Where did she go? Is Emily still with her? _The weeds had taken over the garden path, and the grass looked overgrown. She felt as though someone, somewhere, was giving her a break. _Thank god. There's no one in there. I can stay there, for a while. I wonder if the panel that leads to the basement is still loose? Fuck, what the hell am I going to do with Cece's fucking car? Shit! _Ali panicked.

She looked down at the cut on her leg, and noticed that it had, at last, stopped bleeding. She hoped it had begun to heal. Dried blood was congealing all along it, and Ali knew she would be left with a nasty scar. _That fucking bastard. That absolute fucking asshole. _She thought angrily. She looked at the seat, and noticed that a deep red blood stain had seeped into the fabric. _Shit. Cece is going to kill me. She trusted me with this car and she's going to absolutely fucking kill me when she sees what I've done to it. _Then, another predicament crossed her mind. _And what the fuck are you going to do with the car? You can't just leave it out here with blood all over the seats. Someone will notice it. Fuck! _Ali wracked her brain and tried to think of a plan. After a few seconds, her plan clicked into place. She was quite lucky that she had a mind for schemes, or she would have never been able to figure it out. _Of course. That's perfect. I'll leave it there. Nobody will notice it out there. Yes. Thank God. Thank you, Matt._ She prayed that her idea would work, and spun the car around in a messy U-turn. She put the car into drive, and drove it way out past the fields of the old barn that she used to drink in with her friends.

_There's so many old cars out here that the boys are working on. Nobody will notice this one. Nobody who sees it will think it's out of place. And the boys…well, they'll just think that it belongs to someone else. They're too stupid to notice it anyway. It's not like they actually do any work when they come out here. They just sit in that shed and drink. At least…that's what they used to do. I'll just park it on one of the dirt tracks. It won't be there for long. Any one who walks by it will just assume it belongs to the tyre yard. Oh Matt, please say you're still as lazy as you used to be. Please say you won't notice it. Fuck, Cece, could you have any more of an obvious car! _Ali thought, as she parked the pale blue convertible down one of the dirt tracks which lead along the side of the field.

She climbed carefully out of the car and hauled her hastily packed bag over her shoulder. It wasn't too heavy, but it was still hard to carry considering the current state of her leg. She looked across the field, and could make out the large barn in the distance. She hoped the car was too far away to be seen. _Please let nobody come back here. Please. Just do me a favour, and nobody notice this god damned obvious car. _She prayed.

Ali walked along the woodland pathway, making her way back into town as quickly as she could with her injured leg. The sensation in the top part of her inner thigh while she walked was awful, and she could feel fresh blood seeping out of the wound as it reopened with the force of her strides. The pain was searing, and she winced as she tried to stop the blood from dripping too far down her leg by holding the bottom of her dress against the open wound. _Fuck. I need to sort this out really soon. I can't be walking like this. I need to get back to the house. _Ali breathed heavily as she struggled to keep the bag level on her shoulder.

She limped along the familiar woodland path which she had taken so many times over the years, and felt a familiar sense of nostalgia wash over her. She paused to take a harsh, staggered breath. The pain in her leg was making it hard to focus properly. Ali suddenly looked around, and realised where she was. She noticed the long path, the rooftops in the distance, and the far off trees of the forest, and it suddenly dawned on her that she was currently on the same stretch of pathway which she had walked with Emily, so, so many times before. It seemed like years ago to her now.

She remembered Emily and her talking about kissing boys one sunny day on a Thursday morning, and she smiled. Emily had asked her if she ever got scared when she kissed a boy, and Ali had answered truthfully. One of the few times, in fact, that she had ever openly admitted that she wasn't as confident as she appeared. _Everyone gets scared, Em. _She remembered herself saying. _That's how you know what you're feeling is real…it terrifies you. Just don't let it scare you so much that you close yourself off…_

Ali spoke the next line from her memory out loud. "You end up lonely that way." She remembered her own voice, her own words, and closed her eyes sadly. _I wish I'd taken my own advice. _She thought, as she took a deep breath, clutched her injured leg with one hand, and dragged herself back to her house.

Ali was relieved to find that the panel under the porch that led to the basement, was still loose. She pried it open, trying to be as quiet as possible as she unscrewed the loose screws, and crawled her way into the house through the small space. The panel opened out into the basement, and Ali looked around at the dusty, dark room, as she pulled the panel back into place from the inside. _Honey, I'm home. _She thought. _Now what the fuck do I do?_

**22 months after Alison's disappearance. 6.20pm**

Ali made her way quickly, and quietly, along the woodland path. She was on her way back to Cece's car, to check that it was still okay. It had been three days since Alison had left it in the field behind the barn, and she was deathly afraid that something had happened to it. She still walked with a slight limp, but her leg was definitely getting better. She had had to improvise a make-shift bandage out of masking tape she had found in the basement, and by ripping off a large chunk from the bottom of her dress. She had fixed it tightly to her leg after washing the wound thoroughly. Ali had tried not to cry as her fingers had pressed into the cut, but she hadn't been successful. She couldn't stop herself. She had grit her teeth together and tried to ignore the pain, but she just couldn't do it. She didn't know whether it was the pain, or the memory of how she had obtained the injury, that caused the tears...but they fell endlessly all the same. She had initially worried that the angry wound would need stitches, but eventually, after the blood had ceased to flow, she realised that it wouldn't, after all. She had been relieved, and had worn the cloth bandage for the last three days, waiting for her leg to get better. She had kept it rested, and had tried not to move it for the entirety of the duration of her stay inside her old house.

Ali had made a camp in the basement, using old linen from the storage boxes that had been left behind by the previous tenants. She didn't like the thought of sleeping on anything that Maya may have owned once, but she really hadn't had a choice. She knew she should be grateful that anything had been left behind at all. It could have been worse, the basement could have been empty. Alison was lucky that she had managed to shove some of her clothes into the large bag she had escaped the apartment with, or she would have had nothing to wear. Hardly anything she had brought with her actually matched, but for once, Ali didn't care about her appearance. She had survived on the limited food that she had brought with her from Cece's apartment, and had been lying; mainly in the dark, for the last three days as her leg healed.

She hoped that when she got to the car, it would still be alright. She had tried to wait until as late in the day as possible, in order to avoid being seen. It was quite hard to sneak about in the daylight, especially in a town where so many people knew your face. She pulled Cece's red coat tightly around her shoulders as she shied away from the cold wind. She looked up at the sky. It was sunny, but it was still cold, and she wanted to get back to the house as quickly as possible. Once she had seen that the car was okay, she would be able to relax, and go back to her hiding place.

She was relieved to find the car exactly as she had left it, parked just off to the side of the dirt road, at the back of the field. She checked it over carefully, peering in through the windows to make sure nothing was amiss. Her eyes focused on the dark red stain on the front seat of the car. It was large, and she knew that the entire seat would probably need to be replaced. It wasn't the kind of thing you could just _clean. _

_Shit. She is really, really, going to kill me. I've totally fucked up this car. _Ali thought worriedly. She breathed out a frustrated sigh. _Why did I ever think it was a good idea to go into that house? Nothing good ever comes from meeting strangers. Why didn't I just stay in the fucking apartment? _

Ali was about to head back to the house, when she suddenly spotted a figure standing far off in the distance. She was shocked to see her there, but she knew who it was immediately. There was no mistaking the brunette for any one else. Alison could see her clearly, walking towards the barn on the opposite side of the field. _Emily. It's Emily. _Her heart jolted and she crouched down against the grass to avoid being seen. _What the fuck is she doing here? Fuck! Seriously, Em? What the hell are you doing all the way out here? Go home! Fuck, please go home. _

Ali was alarmed to see her all the way out in the fields. The barn was somewhere they had come to before, and she knew that Emily had followed her there once, but she had no idea what could possibly bring her there now. _She's not friends with Matt, surely? She hates Matt. When I used to kiss him in front of her she always looked like she wanted to murder him. Unless…unless it's something to do with Sean? And Hanna? Is Hanna still dating Sean? _Alison didn't know, but she assumed that if Sean and Matt were still friends, that maybe Emily was there for something to do with that. _I don't fucking know what you're doing here, Emily, but please can you just leave. I can't deal with this now. Please tell me she's not brought that Maya girl with her. _Ali thought irritably. _Please tell me that girl moved away with her parents and just fell off the face of the earth somewhere. _She thought.

Ali squinted and tried to get a better look. She couldn't see very well from the grass, and stayed down low as she made her way into the tree line. She knew she could follow the path of the trees up past the side of the barn, and that she would be able to get a better view from there. She tried to tell herself that spying on Emily wasn't a good idea. What the brunette was doing at the barn, wasn't her business at _all…_and she knew that. But something about Emily _always _drew her in, and like a moth to the flame, Alison couldn't help but creep nearer, even though she knew that spying on the brunette almost always ended up in her getting hurt. _I shouldn't do this. I'll only see something I don't want to see. I'll only end up feeling like there's a knife in my heart. Well…I've had enough knives already this week…so what's one more? _Ali thought darkly, as she hid behind a tree.

She could see Emily loitering by the barn door. It was propped slightly open, but Ali couldn't see any one inside. Emily was obviously waiting for someone to arrive. She kept looking around, as if she was searching for something, and Ali shrank back against the soft bark of the tree, praying that Emily wouldn't see her. She knew she wasn't exactly dressed for being sneaky. _Oh, yeah, because wearing a bright red coat while you're spying was obviously such a great idea! _Ali chided herself.

She remembered back to when the situation had been reversed, back to when she had been here with Matt, and Emily had been following her. Emily had been wearing a neon pink shirt, and Alison had known she was hiding, watching her the entire time. She had caught glimpses of Emily's clothes in the distance, and had heard her trying to catch up as her and Hanna had walked ahead on the path. She remembered thinking that Emily was being _so _obvious at the time…and loud, too. Ali smiled ironically to herself. _I guess you don't really think it through when you want to watch someone that badly. You don't care what you're wearing. You just want to see them. If you're that desperate, if you love them that much, you don't even think it through. Now I get why she followed me so obviously. She wasn't even considering getting caught. She was just desperate to see. Funny, now that the situation is reversed, I understand her completely. Now I get it. _She thought sadly.

Emily looked right at her, then, and Ali jumped backwards, further into the woods. _Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Fuck. Did she see? _Her heart raced inside her chest as she pressed her back against a large tree trunk, praying that she was now out of view. She waited for a couple of minutes and closed her eyes as she waited for the brunette to inevitably appear beside her. _Please say she didn't see me. Please. _Nobody came, though, and Ali breathed a sigh of relief. _Holy fuck. That was close. God, Ali, why the fuck are you doing this? This is such a terrible idea._

The silence of the forest was suddenly interrupted by a loud bang. Ali opened her eyes in startled surprise. _What she fuck was that? _She risked peeking her head out to look, and noticed that Emily had disappeared. _Where the hell is she? _She thought, frowning. She tiptoed closer to the edge of the tree line again, being careful to keep her body in a crouched position so that she was out of view. She couldn't see Emily anywhere, but she noticed that the barn door was now closed, and she assumed that the door had slammed shut. _That must be what made the noise…_

Ali waited for a while, staring at the closed door. She so badly wanted it to open again, so that she could see Emily. She had only had a fleeting look, and being shut out of whatever was going on inside the barn, was annoying. She hadn't had nearly enough time watching Emily, and she wanted to see more. She kept still, at the side of the tree line, hoping with all her heart that Emily would come out of the door. _I just want to see you, Em. It's been so long. Please let me look at you. Even if I only see you from afar. It'll be enough. Come out, please. _Ali prayed. But Emily didn't come out. Alison had no idea what she could be doing in the barn, because as far as she could see, nobody else was there. _There must be someone inside, though. Sean…or Matt. Where are they? She wouldn't be in there alone. What is she doing? _Ali sighed, and kept waiting, but there was still no sign of the brunette, or any one else. _I have to leave, soon. I can't stay here. I need to go back home. Oh, Em. Just let me see you one more time. Please, please, Em. I just want to see your face. _

Ali sighed irritably. _She's gone. She's not coming out again. I might as well leave. This is silly, and weird, and I'm being a huge stalker. _She thought. She took one last look at the barn door, and turned to walk away. It was then, just as she was about to leave, that she heard Emily scream for help. Alison whirled around.

"Help me!" She heard Emily scream in panic from inside the barn.

_What that fuck? _Ali thought, and darted back to the tree. She held her arms against it as she poked her head round, and stared at the closed door. She heard loud banging, as if someone was pounding on it from the inside. _Shit. She's in trouble. _Ali realised. _What the hell is going on? _She wondered. Her heart lurched inside her chest as she tried to process the situation. _What the fuck do I do? Fuck, Em. Are you okay? What the hell!_

"HELP ME, PLEASE!" She heard Emily scream again, followed by another set of bangs.

_Oh my god. Emily. Em, what's wrong? Fuck. _Ali thought, a sick feeling creeping through her body. It didn't take her more than two seconds to leave the tree line and bolt across the field. She didn't think about being seen, and she didn't think about the pain in her leg as she ran. She didn't think about _anything _other than the fact that Emily, her Emily, was in trouble. _She's stuck, and she's scared. _Ali thought as she reached the barn door. She pulled the handle, but it wouldn't budge. She heard what sounded like a _body,_ slump to the floor behind the closed door.

"EM! EMILY!" Ali screamed, but there was no response. "EMILY! I'm here, Em. Hold on!" Ali shouted. She listened for a response but Emily was silent. She couldn't hear banging any more, either, and she began to panic. _I have to get it open. I have to help her. Fuck, Em. Are you alright? Oh my god…_

Hearing Emily's desperate screams, had erased all thought of being caught from Alison's head. She just didn't _care_. All she cared about was helping her friend. But that was the thing….Emily was _more, _so much more than a friend to Alison. She was _everything, _and hearing someone she loved _so dearly_ in so much distress, brought out a strength in Alison that she didn't even know existed.

The barn door didn't stand a chance. Ali wrenched it open with as much force as she could possibly put into it. Her arms strained as she yanked at the handle. She heard the door groan under the force of her frantic pulling, and it flew open sharply as Ali took fast, desperate breaths. She had no idea where the strength had come from, but she thanked her adrenaline for it all the same.

She looked down frantically at Emily's unconscious form. She lay, as if sleeping, on the floor of the barn, just inside the door. Ali couldn't process what was going on at first, but when she saw the running car, and the open trunk, it didn't take her long to put it together.

_Shit. She's unconscious. It's some kind of fumes, that's whats done this to her. Fuck, Matt. You fucking idiots. _She thought angrily. She grabbed Emily by the arms and dragged her backwards away from the barn. She pulled her out onto the dirt, and ran back to grab her jacket which was wrapped around the door handle. _She must have tried to open the door from the inside. _Ali realised. _She knew what was happening. Oh, God…she must have been so scared. It's all right, Em. I'm here…I'm here._

_Fuck. Please be okay, please. _Ali prayed as she stared down at Emily. She knelt down next to her, and pressed her ear to the brunettes mouth. She listened for the sound of her breathing. She could hear Emily taking deep breaths, and she relaxed. _She's just sleeping. She's just unconscious. She's okay, thank god. _Ali exhaled deeply in sat down next to Emily, pulling her head onto her lap, and placed her jacket on top of her knees to cushion her head as she held her against her body. She made sure that Emily's legs were stretched out in front of her, and that she was comfortable.

Emily was out cold, and Ali looked down at her sleeping form. _You always look like an angel when you sleep, Em. _She thought. She brushed the stray hair away from Emily's face tenderly. It had grown out over the months, and was now longer, and lighter than it had been before. Ali cupped her cheek with her palm. _Why do we keep meeting like this, Em. You're always unconscious when I see you. I wish just once, that you would see me. I wish we could see each other, just one more time. I miss the way you blush. I miss your beautiful brown eyes. I wish you would open them. _As soon as she had thought it, Ali realised that what she had thought was true. For the first time in months, she found herself wishing that Emily _would _see her. She had spent so much time hiding, and running, and watching from afar, that finally getting to hold the brunette again, and see her up close, was overwhelming. She could feel the warmth of her body against her fingertips as she held her face tenderly, she could see the soft pink shade of her lips as they parted in slumber, and she could feel her heart aching that the memory of a kiss, long…long ago.

When Emily opened her eyes, Ali found that she couldn't run. She was so lost in the emotions which were coursing through her while she held the brunette, that the sight of Emily's chocolate brown eyes flickering open, didn't shock her. It was almost as if she had wished for it to happen, and at the very moment she had wished it, it had come true. Emily was awake, and watching her, and in that moment, Ali felt nothing but relief. _There you are. There's my Emily. _She thought fondly, as she stared down lovingly into Emily's eyes.

Alison could see the confusion pass across the brunettes face. She looked as if she was in a cloudy daze, and Ali realised that she wasn't completely awake. She looked completely bemused, as if she couldn't quite understand what was happening. Ali realised that the fumes hadn't quite cleared her system, and that she was still in an incoherent state. _Good. _She thought as she smiled at Emily's startled expression. _It's best she thinks it's all a dream._

"It's okay, you're with me now." Ali said softly. _You're with me. Just let me look after you._

Ali noticed how Emily's breath hitched. She could feel the shock travel through her body as her eyes widened in surprise. "Alison…" She breathed.

_Yeah, it's me. And I am so, so happy to see you. You have no idea. God, I missed you so much, Em._

"It's so good to see you, Emily. I think I missed you the most." Ali smiled, and looked down tenderly at Emily. _Just keep it light. Don't talk too much. She'll pass out again soon, and she won't remember any of this. She's still half asleep. You should leave, now. _Ali thought to herself, but she _couldn't _move. She just couldn't tear her eyes away.

Emily tried to raise her head, but Alison softly pushed her head back down. "Just rest…" She said. She couldn't risk Emily waking up fully, and realising that she wasn't dreaming. No matter how much she wanted to. She also knew that Emily needed to go back to sleep, so that she could recover from the effects of the fumes. "It's what you need…rest." She instructed. _That's right, Em. Lie down. Just relax. I'm here, it's okay. You're going to be okay. _

Ali could see that Emily's eyes were becoming heavy again, and that she wouldn't be awake for much longer. She knew that she didn't have much time left with the brunette, and she struggled with her own thoughts as she tried to stop herself from saying all the things she had always wanted to say. _If you start telling her you love her now…she won't remember it. She doesn't deserve that. She deserves to be awake when you tell her, at least. She deserves to know the truth, but not like this._

It was then, that Ali realised that she _was _planning to let Emily know how she felt about her. She hadn't realised it before, but deep down, there was a part of her which knew she couldn't stay away forever. There was a part of her that would _always _keep coming back. There was a part of her, which no matter how hard she tried..._couldn't _stop loving Emily. _I will tell her, I will. I have to. I can't keep seeing her like this. I need more. I can't stay away, any more. I want her to know that I'm alive. Even if it's just her that knows…it doesn't matter. I need her to know. I need her. I can't do this, any more. _

Emily's eyes flickered, and Ali could see her pupils were dilated, as if she was on an incredible high. She was obviously trying to decide wether Ali was real, or a figment of her imagination.

"I never told you this…but…you were _always_ my favourite." Ali said sweetly. _You were always the one I turned to, Em. You're special. Unlike any other. You are unique. "_Nobody loved me as much as you did." Ali said out loud, realising with certainty, that nobody ever _would _love her as much as Emily, either. _There's nobody in the world that looked at me the way you did…the way you're looking at me now, still. You look at me as if I'm an Angel. I'm anything but that. I'm not worth the way you look at me._

Emily furrowed her eyebrows, focusing on Alison's face. "Is this what dying is?" She asked worriedly.

_No. You're not dying, Emily. If it's up to me, you won't die, ever. You're too good to die. God, she looks as if she thinks I'm going to take her into the next life. Why does she look so happy? Doesn't she want to live? _

"Trust me. Dying isn't what you really want. It's not as fun as it looks." Ali said sternly. _Go to sleep, Em. Stop thinking you're going to die. You're going to live. I'll always be here to make sure of that. _

"Do you know who killed you?" Emily asked suddenly, and Ali realised that Emily was about to fall asleep. She was trying to ask as many questions as she could before she fell unconscious, and Ali smiled. _She's still trying to help me…even if she has to ask questions to a ghost. _

"Of course I do." Ali whispered truthfully.

"You have to tell me…" Emily said as her eyes flickered in and out of focus.

Ali looked away towards the tree line. _Oh, Em. That's a much bigger conversation. That's a much…much more complicated thing to explain. I want to tell you. I want to tell you everything, but I can't. I don't know if I'll ever be able to…_

Ali couldn't look Emily in the eyes. She could feel the brunettes gaze burning into her skin and she worried that if she made eye contact, and allowed herself to slip, as she had done before, so many times, into the comfort of her embrace…that she would end up saying something she would regret later. One look at Emily in that moment, and she would have told her everything. But it wasn't the right time, and Ali knew that she couldn't say a word. It wasn't because she didn't want to tell her, or because she didn't trust her…it was because she didn't have the slightest idea _how _to even begin to explain what had happened.

"I don't think that's a good idea…" Ali answered regretfully.

"Why?" Emily answered. She sounded confused.

Ali's heart lurched painfully inside her chest. _Please, Em. Not now, please. "_Because some secrets…are too painful." She said, her voice breaking slightly.

Suddenly, Ali noticed Emily's eyes straining to stay open, and realised that she had only seconds left with the brunette, before she would slip away in to unconsciousness again.

_Not yet. Don't leave me. Don't go, Emily, please. _Ali thought, her body leaning closer, and her arms trying to hold on, as she watched Emily start to slip away. _No, Em. Don't. Don't go to sleep. Just a little more time…please…just a little more. _Her heart strained as she watched Emily's eyes cloud over, and she made an impossible decision. She knew it was stupid, and she _knew_ she shouldn't offer it, but she couldn't help herself. She knew that once she said it, it wouldn't matter what the brunettes answer was, because in a few seconds she wouldn't be conscious enough to follow it through, even if she did accept it. Still, part of her hoped that when Emily _did_ wake up, she just might remember it…and so, she did the only thing she _could _do in that moment. She asked Emily to come with her.

She leaned close, her body leaning over the brunette, and she quietly whispered "you have to decide what you want, Emily. You can stay here…or you can come with _me." _

She meant it when she said it, and as she looked down into Emily's chocolate brown eyes, she knew her heart was done for. She would _never_ be able to stay away from her now, despite what Emily chose to do. She knew that in her current state, Emily was incapable of answering, and she smiled to herself. _You waited too long to ask her, Ali. Now you have to let her sleep. Let her go…and pray that she remembers this when she wakes up. Even if she doesn't remember me talking to her…I hope she's left with the feeling that I didn't leave her. I hope she knows I'd never abandon her. I've always been here, watching. I never stopped caring, Em. I love you. And I want you to know…that I'd take you with me now, if I could. _

Ali reached out with her hand, and gently touched the side of Emily's face with her fingertips. She smiled as she watched Emily's eyes flutter closed. _She does still blush for me… _Ali thought fondly, as she lightly dragged one finger behind Emily's ear, and slowly brushed a lock of her hair back behind it. She saw the brunettes skin shiver as her finger trailed gently down the side of her neck. Even in her half asleep state, Ali could see how affected Emily was by her touch. She watched as Emily's breath hitched, and her body trembled slightly. _I miss that so, so much. I miss the way you look at me. I miss the way you sigh…I miss the way your body feels in my arms. You're so fragile like this. You're so delicate. _She thought. Alison's heart ached as she looked down at Emily's closed eyes. _She's going…_ she realised, as she noticed that Emily's eyes remained closed. _She's leaving me. Goodbye, Em. _

"Sweet Emily..." Ali said softly.

She couldn't help herself. She _never_ could, when it came to Emily. She leaned down, and with every ounce of affection, and love in her body, she pressed her lips slowly to Emily's. She felt her soul pour out of her into the kiss, and she felt her heart make a promise in that moment. _I won't leave you. Not again. I promise. _She felt her skin tingle as their lips connected, and that spark, that spark that had started long ago, and flamed for so long in solitude, was once again reignited. She knew that this time, Emily would remember it. She was falling deeply into unconsciousness, but Ali could feel one last reaction from her as her lips tried to press back. It was fleeting, and over faster than Ali would have liked, but Emily's body went limp, and she realised that she was finally asleep. _She's gone. _Ali thought, as she raised her head.

She stayed with Emily for a while, holding her gently in her arms, and watched her lover sleep. As she stared down at the brunettes resting form, she realised that Emily _was _her only love. She had never cared so deeply for another human being, and even when her behaviour had been at its worst, she hadn't even loved _herself _as much as this sleeping girl in her arms. She had always valued her own reputation over all other things, and she realised now that there was no thing, no corporeal or incorporeal _thing _in the world, that mattered more to her than this girl in front of her. She remembered how she used to be so confused, and unclear about it all, and smiled to herself. She couldn't understand how she had possibly been confused…when this girl, this _beautiful _soul, was everything a person could ever wish to find in another human being. She held her with the knowledge that this time…she wouldn't just run away and hide. She couldn't. She knew it would take her a while, and she didn't know _how_ she would do it, but she knew she would have to come back. _Because how can I leave her now? _She thought. _Even if she doesn't want me any more…I still want her. I always have. I want her to know that even though I've made mistakes…loving her was never one of them. I want her to know that every time I pushed her away…it was because I was afraid. But I'm not afraid any more. _She leaned down, and gave Emily a soft kiss on the forehead. "I'm not afraid, Em." She whispered against her warm skin, as she lifted Emily's head gently off her legs, and placed it on top of her folded jacket on the floor, being careful not to hurt, or wake her.

Alison stood up. She glanced affectionately one more time at Emily, and then looked off into the distance. She could see a car approaching, and knew that she would have to leave. _They're back. God, where have they been? _She squinted, and tried to see who was in the car, but it was approaching the barn fast, and Ali knew that she would have to move to avoid being seen. She darted back into the shadow of the tree line as she watched the car pull up to the barn, and come to a screeching stop just in front of Emily's sleeping body. She watched as Hanna and Sean jumped out of the car, and ran over to Emily in alarm. _Good. They found her. For fuck sake, where's Matt? One of them needs to sort out that car, inside the barn. Who the hell left it like that? Idiots. You could have killed her. If I wasn't here…she might have… _Ali's thoughts trailed off. She didn't want to think about it.

Ali saw Emily wake up. Hanna was leaning over her, but she couldn't hear their conversation. Emily looked okay, though, which was a relief to Alison. The blonde was angry that she had to leave, but she knew she couldn't stay any longer. She was way too close to the barn, and at any moment, if they chose to look up, all three of her friends would see her. She could hear Emily's voice as it rang out loudly. "She's still alive." _Oh god, she remembers. _Ali thought in panic. Still, there was a slight swell of excitement inside her chest. _She remembers..._

She had just enough time to hear Emily's voice exclaim "she was here..." And saw Emily look around the clearing, searching for her. Ali ran, then. She had to avoid being seen. She wanted to talk to Emily, but not here, and not like this. Not just yet. _Soon, Emily. I promise. I will find you soon._

She ran as fast as her injured leg would carry her, back to her old house.

**23 months, three weeks, and six days after Alison's disappearance.**

To say that the last two months had been difficult for Alison, would be a huge understatement. For one thing, she had spent the entire time sleeping on the floor of the basement inside her old house. She was lucky the water was still running inside the house, or she wouldn't have been able to shower, and to Ali, personal hygiene was still a number one priority. She might be technically homeless, but she would rather go back to the apartment in Ravenswood than not be able to shower. And that was saying a lot. There was nothing in the world that could get her to go back there.

Her leg had healed, and she was now left with an angry red scar which ran for about three inches down the inside of her right thigh. She hated it. It looked awful, but it was the least of her worries.

Currently, she sat alone in the basement of her old house, deciding whether or not it was _finally _time to let Emily know she was alive. She knew she wanted to, and she knew above all other things, that she wanted to at least _talk_ to Emily…but she was terrified. She had spent an awful lot of time over the last two months following Emily around in the shadows. Partly because she was trying to get up the courage to speak to her, and partly because if she didn't stay one step ahead of Emily's whereabouts at all times, then she was _sure _the brunette would end up finding her first.

She had to hand it to Emily. The girl was relentless. She had searched high and low for Alison since the incident at the barn, and many times, as Ali had stood outside of Spencer's back door, looking in on her friends as they sat huddled in the kitchen, Ali had heard Emily argue, and defend her. She was forever grateful to have someone in her life that would fight for her so fiercely, and she knew she didn't deserve it. She had given Emily hope, and she knew that it wasn't fair to keep to the shadows for much longer. Emily was convinced that she had seen Ali at the barn, and rightly so. Her friends still hadn't believed her, though. They thought she was just acting obsessed, and crazy, and their patience with her was wearing thin. Ali could tell this from the many times she had eavesdropped on their conversations. She knew she shouldn't, and she knew it wasn't fair, but her house was _so _close to Spencer's.

Knowing her friends were so close by, and that she could potentially speak to them if she wanted to, was torture for Ali. They had looked for her _everywhere_ after Emily had forced them to resume their search, and little did they know, she was only next door. She was so lonely being on her own for so, so long, and it was all too tempting to stand outside…and just _listen_. She just wanted to hear them, sometimes, and pretend that she was still part of the inner circle. She could tell they had changed, though. Everything was different, now.

They spoke about things that Alison didn't even understand, and mentioned people that were only strangers to her. Ali had realised over the weeks she had been watching them, that when she returned, the sad fact was, that _she _would be a stranger to them. They didn't know her, any more. They only knew the girl that they remembered. She had huddled outside Spencer's window one night when she had invited Hanna and Aria over to watch movies, and had heard them speak about her, once. They talked about the things she used to say, and the things she used to do, and Alison had felt ashamed. She had wondered _how_ they could have ever put up with her, when she had been so, so horrible to everyone. It was awful, hearing people talk about you as if you were dead, and Ali knew she deserved every snide remark that would ever be made about her. She had to own it, and although it was hard to hear, sometimes, it didn't make it any less _true._

It was watching her friends, trying to get the courage to speak to them, that had actually prevented her from doing that very thing. Spying on them, however wrong, had opened her eyes to some sad home truths about herself. She realised as she listened to them, that if she ever did return, they might not be happy to see her. She had been worrying for weeks if this was a risk she was ready to take, and she still didn't know the answer. It was the worry, and the fear of rejection, that kept her away, now. Over the past two years, she had conquered the majority of her fear about the town, about her parents, and about her guilt. But being back here…here in a place where her very presence had made others' lives hell…well, it just made it all the more difficult to want to return. She wasn't sure if she _could _fit back in in this place, and after listening to how her actions had affected people, she wasn't sure if she _should. _

There was one good thing that had come out of listening so intently to other people's conversations, though. Ali felt guilty for even being happy about it, but she had heard about Emily's break up with Maya. She had tried to feel bad, but she just couldn't bring herself to. She was glad she finally understood why her house was empty, though. Maya had been sent to some sort of drug rehab place, and her parents had sold the house not long afterwards. From what Ali could discern, the relationship was well and truly over, and although she was sad for Emily, she couldn't help but be a little pleased that Maya was gone. Every day, though, she waited for the new tenants to show up. The house _was _sold, after all, and Ali knew that her days there were numbered. She had no idea why the house was still empty after this length of time, but she wouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. The house had saved her life.

Ali sat on the basement floor, and took out her diary. It consisted of a few sheets of scrap paper she had found on the floor of her basement, and an old, worn out blue pen which had somehow found its way into one of the old boxes. She began to write.

_I am writing this now, because I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I have barely any time to think. Fuck, I can't think straight. I have nobody to talk to about all this. Tomorrow marks the two year anniversary of my disappearance. It's been two years since I crawled my way out of that grave…and I don't even know how to process it. Fuck. I thought I was over all this. I thought I'd just…forget, eventually. But I can never forget that. I can never forget what happened in this house, either. Do you know that in two months…I've not been in any rooms in this house apart from the bathroom, and the basement? I can't bring myself to do it. But it's the only sanctuary that I have left. It's funny isn't it? I spent so long running from what happened here, and then the second I get in trouble, this is the first place I come back to. _

_Why is that? Is it because she's here? She's so close…and yet so, so far away from me. Watching her these last two months has been heart wrenching. I'm such a coward. I keep telling myself to go and speak to her. I keep telling myself to just…reach out. But I can't. I'm too afraid. I'm a coward. What if she rejects me? What if she hates me? What if they all do? I know they're all over at Spencer's house. I heard them all arrive. I watched Emily as she walked into the house, carrying a bunch of things in her arms. I might go over and watch them for a bit. I know I'll have to talk to her soon. I can't let her go to my memorial tomorrow, and speak about me as if I'm dead. I can't do that to her. I know I've left it until the last possible moment, but I've finally had enough. I can't listen to them any more. I can't hear them talk about me as if I'm a memory. I can't just be a memory to her. I want to be able to stand in front of her and really see her. I want to be able to live._

**Twenty minutes later.**

"Emily, for the last time! You did NOT see Alison!" Ali heard Spencer yell.

"And for the LAST TIME, Spencer. I'm telling you that I DID!" Emily responded back angrily.

Ali crouched down outside Spencer's kitchen window, and listened to her friends talking about her. She could hear that Spencer and Emily were really going at it, and Emily wasn't giving in. Alison _knew _it wasn't fair. She knew that Emily had been looking everywhere for her, and she knew that she was fighting her friends over it. She knew it wasn't right to put her in that kind of situation. Hanna, Spencer and Aria quite clearly thought Emily was being obsessive, and insane…but still Emily fought them all the same. Ali could hear by her words, just how _much_ she believed that she was alive, and her heart swelled in gratitude. _God, Em. I am so lucky to have you. You defend me without proof, without reason, and without cause. You defend me even though half of you thinks I'm dead. You kept looking for me even after they buried that body in my grave. Even now, on the eve of my memorial service, you fight. _

"TELL ME! If it wasn't her, then WHO did I talk to?" Ali heard Emily challenge. She heard the argument quieten down after that, and strained harder to hear the conversation.

_I can't take this much longer. I can't listen to her fight with them. I have to let her know I'm here. God. I can't just walk in there. Fuck. What do I do? _Ali heard Emily switch from arguing with Spencer, to arguing with Hanna, and she sighed. _She would fight them all for me. Oh, Em. Thank you for believing in me. I owe you the world. _Ali thought as she tried to hear the rest of the conversation. Ali reached with a trembling hand towards the door handle of Spencer's back door. _Should I? God, I want to go inside. _

She could only make out bits of mumbled conversation now, but suddenly, she heard Emily's voice a little clearer. Alison's hand froze, a fraction of an inch away from the door handle.

"Her parents…they never seemed too bothered by it all, did they?" Emily questioned.

Ali stopped dead. Her entire body went numb. _Shit. No. Not that. Don't go down that road, Em. Please. Fuck. She's figured it out. Oh god, no. _She panicked. _Leave it alone, Emily. PLEASE. Don't bring them into it. Don't. OH FUCK. No, no, no, no._

Ali waited outside, terrified to hear what was going to be said next. She could hear Emily start to formulate an idea, and she noticed the conviction in the brunettes voice. Alison could tell that Emily knew she was onto something. Out of everyone who could have possibly figured it out, Emily was the _only _person, that had guessed right. _She knows they had something to do with it. She KNOWS she's on to something. Someone say something! Anything! For fuck sake, someone get that out of her head!_

What she heard Emily say next, chilled her to the bone.

"I don't know. I just know we've got to find them. I want to talk to them." Emily stated in a voice of quiet determination.

_No. You can't. You can't do that, Em. You can't bring them here. You can't ask them about it. FUCK. My parents. My mom and dad. No. _

Ali turned, and ran straight back to the basement to start packing her things.

**The next evening. Two year anniversary of Alison's disappearance.**

Alison had been so close to _finally_ getting up the courage to speak to Emily, and as she sat in the front seat of Cece's convertible, she _hated _herself for wanting to run away again. Ali knew that she had no choice, though. She hadn't realised how much of a coward she really was, until it came down to this choice. She could either run from it, or face it, and she didn't have a clue what she should do.

When she had heard that Emily had wanted to contact her parents, the first thing she had done, was try and get as far away from the situation as possible. She had packed her bag, grabbed the last remains of her cash, and bolted for Cece's car. She was lucky it was still there after all this time. She had initially worried that it wouldn't run, but luckily it had purred to life as Ali had clicked the key into the ignition. She had been checking on it every few days, and she was pretty sure that nobody had even noticed it way out in the fields.

Ali sat in the drivers seat, staring ahead at the dirt road. She gripped the steering wheel so tightly that her knuckles were white, and her fingers were going numb. Her mind raced in conflict. _Do I leave? Or do I stay? I can't stay and face this. Why did she have to figure it out the day before the memorial, of all days? Fuck! This wouldn't have been so bad if she didn't have a clue where my parents were. But what if…what if they show up today? What if they actually come here? They could come to the memorial. They might be responsible for what happened to me, but wouldn't it look strange if they didn't show up? It already looks weird as it is. That's why Emily realised something wasn't right. FUCK. What the hell do I do? I can't speak to her now…I can't stay here…not with the risk that they might show up, and see me. But if I leave her here alone…and my parents DO go to the memorial…then she might speak to them. She might ask them questions…she might tell them she thinks she's seen me. Fuck. Oh, fuck. What if they check the grave in the woods? What if they SEE that I'm not there. Would the hole be filled in by now? God…I'm not going to check. I can't. Fuck, what the hell am I going to do? I need to leave…but I can't. _

Ali banged the steering wheel with her hands in frustration. She could almost hear Cece's irritated voice. _Don't ruin my car, Alison! Or I'll make you buy me a new one! _Ali raked her hands through her long blonde hair, pushing it back out of her face. _Fuck, Cece. Why can't you be here to tell me what to do? I'm no good at making decisions by myself. _

_Shit. If I leave now…then I'll never come back. I know I won't. This is it. This is the decision I have to make. And I can't! Fuck everything! Maybe I should go to the memorial. Maybe if I just wait…and see if they show up, then I'll know what to do. I can't risk them seeing me, though. Fuck. How am I going to deal with this? They'll all be there, now. It's about to start. What if my parents are there? How the fuck am I going to be able to look at them. I don't think I'm strong enough to see them again. I have to go. If I'm going to leave town, then it has to be now. But where the fuck am I going to go? I can't go back to the apartment…and I can't risk Emily talking to my parents. Shit. I have to leave…but I can't. I don't want to leave her behind, either._

Then, Ali had another thought. _What if I ask her to come with me? Would she go? Would she leave everything behind? _Ali knew the answer, already. Of _course_ Emily would; and upon realising this, she did something selfless…for once. _No. I can't. I won't ask her to do that. She's given up enough of her time and effort on me. I can't ask that of her. I'll have to go to the memorial. I'll have to see if my parents are there. It might be hard, and it might be painful, and if Emily does speak to my parents if they're there…then I'll just have to deal with it. Because I can't leave her. God, I can't. And I can't ask her to go with me. It's not fair. Fuck. _Ali thought, and revved the car engine loudly. The convertible was a bit slow to start, considering it had been sitting still for weeks, but Ali managed to get it to come back to life. She felt the adrenaline rush through her system as she pumped the gas, and sped down the dirt track, towards Rosewood park.

Ali pulled into the parking lot opposite where the memorial was about to take place. She could see that the place was crowded, and she made sure to stay far back at the edge of the tree line as she sat huddled down in the car. She pulled the red hood of Cece's coat over her head as she tried to peek out of the window. Ali could make out a podium in the middle of the park, with numerous seats set out for the gathering crowd to sit on. _Hmm. It looks more like a graduation than a memorial. _Ali thought, as she squinted to get a better look. They had erected a beautiful fountain just behind the podium. It was paved in grey stone, and little dancing figures decorated the sides. There were four benches lining the stones, making a perfect place for people to congregate. _Wow. All this, for me? _Ali thought. _This is surreal. This is just…too much. _

Ali took in the surroundings, the people, and the reality of what was happening. _They're saying goodbye to me…one last time. God, what have I done? Why did I stay away for so long. How could I have let it go this far? Why couldn't I have dealt with it all better? _Ali felt her leg absently with her hand. She could feel the raised scar even through the material of her jeans. It still burned, sometimes, especially when she was stressed. _Some people are just evil… _Ali thought. _That's why you couldn't deal with it. You used to think your silly problems were the most important things in the world…and you didn't know what to do when something real…something awful…and something actually worth worrying about happened. You just weren't ready to come back. _She felt the other, much deeper scar on the back of her head…and realised that it was just another part of the collection of injuries that she had sustained over the months, and she sighed. _The real damage was all internal. It's in my heart…in my mind…and in my soul. That's where the real scars lie. _

Ali watched the people arrive to her memorial service, and realised that she hardly knew any of them. There were a few people she recognised from school, but nobody she _really_ knew. She could see her old teachers as they made their way in a group, across the park. _Wow. Mrs Lance. Jenna Marshall…Paige...even people I was awful to are here_. Ali just didn't know what to make of it all. She couldn't figure out if people were attending because they genuinely missed her, or because they were just bored. _Is this what it comes down to? _Ali thought sadly. _The only people that have come to my memorial are people that didn't even like me. Was I so horrible that I didn't have any real friends? _ _Yeah…I was._

Suddenly, Ali heard a group of people walk past the car, and immediately recognised several people from her Geometry class. She didn't know their names, but she could see that they were headed over towards the memorial. _Fuck. _She thought, as she ducked her head down so that they wouldn't see her. _I'm not far back enough. Someone's going to see me. There's too many people walking past. _She panicked, and quickly reversed the car out of the parking lot. She drove it across the street, and parked it next to the cemetery where it was slightly more deserted. _It's not safe to be out of the car. Someone might see you. _She thought to herself, but she wasn't done yet. She still needed to check and see if her parents were there, and if Emily would speak to them. Every cell in Alison's body was praying that they wouldn't show up. She didn't think she could face seeing them, let alone have Emily actually talk to them. She knew her father wouldn't do anything in broad daylight, but after what he'd done to _her, _the last person she wanted him around was Emily. She didn't want him catching on to the fact that Emily was suspicious, either. It just wasn't worth the risk. Emily wasn't worth risking for _anything. _

Alison hadn't actually _seen _Emily yet, but she knew that she would be there. She had been listening to her friends argue with the brunette about it for weeks. Emily had refused to go at first, insisting that Alison was alive, and that it was all pointless. They had eventually convinced her to go on the premise that if she didn't, it would look strange. _Yet nobody thinks it's strange that my parents are conveniently God knows where. _Ali thought. _Well…apart from Em. _

Ali made sure the car was locked and kept her head down as much as she could. There was nobody in the street now, as everyone had already crossed the road and made their way over to the park. Ali watched her memorial service with a pained expression. _I hate all this. Look what it's come to. Look what I've done. _She thought sadly, as she watched people take their seats.

To her relief, though, she could see that her parents were nowhere in sight. _They didn't come. Thank fuck for that. Oh, God, thank you. _Ali took a deep breath. She had been absolutely dreading seeing her mother and father, and she was unimaginably glad that they weren't there. _I hope they're far, far from here. I hope they never come back. I hate them for putting me in this situation. _Ali looked around at the people who had gathered to say goodbye to her. _And I hate them more, for doing this to my friends…and Emily. I hate them for causing her pain._

Ali searched the crowd one more time to make sure that her parents were really absent, and that was when she _finally _saw her friends. They were standing in a line in front of the podium. _Where are you, Em? _Ali thought as her eyes searched through the sea of people. The sky was starting to get dimmer as the sun fell behind the horizon, and it was getting harder and harder to make out people's faces individually. She noticed a line of people who were waiting with sheets of white paper in their hands. _Oh, God. They're waiting to speak about me. This is so awful. _

Ali couldn't see Emily at first, and by the time she finally _did _notice her, it was already too late. Emily had seen her first. She was stood right at the front of the line, and Ali had been so busy looking at the back, thinking that Emily would be hiding in the background somewhere, that she didn't see her standing right at the front. _Oh my god she's staring right at me. She sees me. Shit! Is she looking at me? Fuck! Don't move. If you move…if you run... she'll know it's you. She can't see you from this far away. _Ali watched as Hanna gave Emily a push up to the podium, and her eyes broke contact with Alison. The blonde took the opportunity to quietly slip away, down the street. _What a stupid idea this was! Honestly, you idiot, what the fuck were you thinking! _

Even though Ali wanted nothing more than to run over and talk to the brunette, she knew that dramatically reappearing from the dead in the middle of her memorial service…probably wasn't a good idea. She hoped that Emily hadn't seen her. Ali walked as quickly as she could back to Cece's car. She was just about to open the door, and climb inside, when she heard a commotion in the distance. Ali stalled. _What the hell?_

She watched as Emily bolted across the road, and into the alleyway across the street. She was quite far away, but close enough that Ali could make out her silhouette as she crouched down, holding her hands on her knees. She looked as if she was having some sort of panic attack. _Oh my god. What happened? She was fine a moment ago. Is she okay? _Ali squinted to try and get a better look. She was concerned…Emily didn't look okay, and she worried that something bad had happened. Suddenly, she heard desperate shouts as Hanna, Aria and Spencer charged across the road and into the alleyway after Emily. _What the hell is going on? _Ali thought, as she watched her friends crowd around the brunettes anxious form. _They've got her. They're with her. This isn't a place for you to be. You need to go before someone sees you. They're right across the street. It's only going to take one of them to look over here and you're caught. Fuck, it's only going to take one person to recognise you._

_Get the fuck out of the street._

All of a sudden, Ali saw Emily look up, and stare straight at her. _Too late. Too fucking late. _She panicked, as she realised she'd been seen. And this time…there was no getting out of it. She was far away, but not too far that she had any time to run anywhere. The shock had already kept her bolted to the spot for far too long, and she knew she wouldn't have time to get in the car and drive away before Emily made it across the road. And Ali knew that she _would _come after her. There was no way Emily would leave it.

Sure enough, Ali watched in panic as Emily raised a finger, and pointed it straight at her. She heard a loud shout erupt from the brunette as she stared at her from down the alleyway.

"THERE!" Emily yelled loudly.

At Emily's instruction, Ali saw her three friends turn around, and she immediately knew that not only had _everyone _seen her, but she literally had _no _time to get away. She froze for a split second in an absolute panic before her fight or flight response kicked in, and then she bolted. She didn't know where she was going, or what she was thinking, but she ran into the very first place she could see. The cemetery.

She turned sharply, and ran the few meters towards the gate of the graveyard. Ali wrenched the iron gate open and slipped inside as quickly as she could. She could feel the brunettes eyes burning into the back of her retreating form, and suddenly, without even knowing she was going to do it, she paused. She didn't know why, or even what she was thinking in that moment…all she knew was, she had to have one last look back. Later on, part of her came to realise that she had looked back because she had _wanted _Emily to follow her. She had wanted her to _see_ where she was going. She didn't _really _want to leave her behind. Ali didn't realise it at the time, though. All she was focused on was running. Her mind was blank at the moment she turned around, and even seeing Emily chase across the road after her, couldn't remove the panic from her heart as it beat furiously inside her chest.

Ali ran into the dim, desolate graveyard. She could feel the adrenaline rushing through her system, and she couldn't process her thoughts quick enough to make a decision on what to do next. The only thing her body was telling her to do, was hide. She darted behind a large crumbling mausoleum and crouched down, making herself as small, and as hidden, as possible.

Alison waited for the inevitable. She _knew _Emily would follow her. The brunette had been chasing after her since the very first moment they'd met, it seemed. Now, with the promise of a reunion between them, Ali knew that Emily would follow her. She had been seen, and this time, Emily wasn't going to let it drop. She would chase Ali until she had nowhere left to run to. She would _never _give up. Ali heard footsteps approaching her hiding place, and she didn't even need to look, to know who it was.

"Alison?" She heard Emily cry desperately. She heard yet more footsteps approaching as she heard who she assumed to be Aria, Spencer and Hanna enter the graveyard after Emily.

Ali had always been good at running away. It was the first thing she had done the very first time she had kissed Emily, and she felt like she'd been running ever since. She had run from everything in her life that had ever caused her pain, or worry, or confusion, and finally…_finally_ she had backed herself into a corner. She sat crouched in the shadows, hiding away from the world as it chased her. And Emily _was _her world. She was the one thing that had always constantly been in Ali's thoughts, and heart. Even when she had been without her physically, she had never, ever stopped thinking about her…missing her…or wanting her. There _was _no running from Emily. She would just keep coming after her, as inevitable as the sun rising each morning, and Ali knew that no matter what…no matter how far she ran…Emily would _always_ be one step behind her.

_She really won't give up on me. She never has. I used to be strong. I used to be Alison DiLaurentis. People used to run from me. I could put someone down with just a glare. Where did that girl go? When did I become so afraid. Maybe I don't need to be any more. Maybe I can be strong. With her here…I am not alone. She won't leave me. I have to have faith in that if I'm going to face this. I need to stop being so afraid. If they reject me, then so be it…I'll deserve it…but I have to have faith. No matter what happens…I have to confront this head on. No more running. I am still Alison DiLaurentis, and I am not afraid any more._

Ali took a deep breath, and decided to face her fear. She realised how much of a coward she was being, hiding in the shadows like a ghost, and as she listened to the sound of Emily's desperate voice, she finally realised something.

"_I loved her against reason…against promise…against peace…against hope, against happiness…against all discouragement that could be." _

_That's the promise she gave to me. When she kissed me, after I said those words to her…she had nodded, and smiled, as if she knew I was asking her a question. And I was. I was telling her that that's how I thought she felt about me. I was asking her…asking her if I was right. I wanted to know if she would always love me that way. And God, I was right. She kissed me with a promise that those words would always be true, and they are. She kept her promise. I couldn't have done more to push her away. I died, and still she searched for me. She never stopped believing in me. She never stopped defending me, and she never gave up hope. She is the utter embodiment of those words. Nothing in this life, is more true than her. She kept her promise even after she had every right to give it up. She loved me against all discouragement, and I owe her the same._

At this realisation, Alison stood up. For the first time in two years, she felt like she could _finally _stop running.

She was in the most vulnerable state of her life, and it took all the courage in her body to do it, but she stepped out from behind the side of the mausoleum. She was so nervous that she could barely breathe. She took tentative steps forward as she exposed herself to the moonlight. She kept her back to the brunette, not daring to turn around just yet. She sighed quietly, feeling the fear and the anxiety within herself increase tenfold. Then, all of a sudden, in a rush of confidence that Alison thought she wasn't capable of any more…she felt the fear dissipate as she made her final decision. _This is it._ Ali pulled the red hood from her head, removing her last disguise.

_I'm not going to run any more. _

Alison turned her head quickly, flicking her long blonde hair back over her shoulder…and for the first time in two long years, she felt like she was home. Her eyes brimmed with tears and her heart surged with an _impossible _ache, as she _finally _came face to face with Emily's shocked expression. They locked eyes as Alison's whole body shook with the force of her emotions.

Alison smiled sadly. _Here we go…this is it. It's time to live._

"Did you miss me?" She asked. _Because I missed you more than you can ever know._

**Authors Note: honest to god, I have never been happier to write "did you miss me" in my life. It took so darn long to get back there it feels like ages ago that we last saw them in Emily's POV! This disappearance was honestly the biggest challenge I have ever had in terms of writing. It was so, so hard to figure it all out and I'm beyond glad that Ali is back now! I hope you all understand why I had her disappear in the first place. I felt like it was necessary and I really wanted a long process detailing exactly how she grew up. I didn't want to just make it happen overnight like oh BING she's different now, kinda thing? You know? **

**It was hard to say goodbye to Cece but don't worry, she might not be gone for too long! Ali needed to go through some decisions on her own for once though! And as for the scar on her leg…we will find out more about that later. Please let me know if there's anything you guys want to see. I always try to include the scenes that people ask for. I hope you guys liked Alison's version of the barn scene, please let me know if it was okay. Ahh I'm so nervous! I've got emison emison emison to write now. Im doing the bedroom scene, where Ali sneaks in and sees emily reading her diary. There's also the scene where Ali meets with emily in secret. There's basically loads to get through and I'll do some of it, and leave some of it out, and move it all around, but hopefully you'll still enjoy it! Season five was the best for emison! I can't wait to see what you guys think of where this story will go! Also…hmm what are those flashes in the alley? And Where did Ali think she's seen that missing girl before? Bit of a mystery going on lol but I hope you all enjoy it! Let me know if you have any ideas because I would love to hear them! **

**Thank you dearly to every single person who has left a review or a comment. Honestly even one word means the world to me because you guys and your opinions are the only thing keeping me going! I'm writing it based on what you guys want to see and you've been so so helpful. I adore each and every one of you! Thank you for your time and your patience with this story, and thank you for your kind words. I love you all. My Twitter is hauntedtwilight**


	27. Conversations With Dead People

**Authors Note: HEY! Thank you so much for all your comments! You have all been Incredible! I am so happy to have finally finished the disappearance and I know you guys are happy too! I'm so grateful that you stuck with me through it and that you guys enjoyed reading it! I know it was so so long lol! It's so important to their character development though! We will of course find out what happened to Ali behind the red door, but it'll be when she's ready to tell, so with Ali, who knows when that'll be! To the guest reviewer who mentioned about the hidden diary entries, I think you'll like this next chapter! Basically the whole reason Ali had a secret diary in this story in the first place is because of THIS scene! So this one is pretty important to me! **

**We are now moving into the season five emison scenes (big yay) and I'm SO excited to write them and also so nervous to get it right! Just a quick reminder, the story is rated M and when it gets there, it ain't going to be vague, it's going to be detailed, so just a warning! To the reviewer who asked about Ali's if parents will know she's alive: don't worry, I have a plan for that. It's going to come very shortly so keep reading! **

**To the reviewer who asked if Ali's relationships with the other girls will be explored: absolutely! She will definitely have scenes with them and I will definitely get into her little rivalry with Spencer a little bit over the next couple chapters. She's got a lot of relationships to mend :) As to Ali going back to school, I haven't quite decided yet, so I'd love to know if that's something you guys want to see, or if you'd rather it was left out.**

**By the way. No. Lorenz-old and shower Harvey will not be in this. (I despise them lol) there might be a cameo here and there, but that's it! As for the rest of season six, I haven't planned that far ahead yet, I'm still in season five scene mode so I would love to know your opinions! **

**Thank you all so much for caring about this story enough to read it and stay with it as far as you have. It means the world to me that you enjoy it. Thank you SO much for your reviews and kind words. This next chapter is called Conversations With Dead People, and I really hope you like it! Xx**

**EMILY FIELDS**

"Did you miss me?"

Some questions don't have an answer. Some questions _can't _have an answer, and some questions don't need one. Some questions…are so difficult…that you just can't find the words to formulate a response. Emily Fields was having this issue as she stared into the crying eyes of her dead friend.

_Oh my god. She's alive._

Emily's mouth parted in shock.

Nobody spoke. Emily could hear the gasps from her friends as they realised that what they were seeing was true. She _was _back. She was right there in front of them. She was alive. Emily had felt like she had known it in her heart for an infinitely long time, but she shock of actually _seeing it? _That was a different story. She couldn't even formulate words. Ali stood in front of her with a terrified expression on her face. Emily could see that she was cautious, and that her hands were shaking. _She's afraid. _

"Ali…" Emily whispered. She couldn't form a sentence. It was all just too surreal.

Alison looked around the graveyard. Her eyes darted from one place to the next, as if she was afraid that someone would see her.

"Look…I don't have much time." Ali said in a shaky voice. "It's still not safe for me to be here." Emily's heart jumped at the sound of her voice. Hearing Alison talk was jarring, and Emily still couldn't take it all in. _She's real. She's really there. Oh my god. _

"You're alive." Emily stated. _Well obviously. Unless she's a ghost. God…is she? Is she really real? Am I going insane? She can't be here. _Emily tried to wrap her head around the situation, but her mind was completely blank. She looked over at her friends, who were still gaping in shock. _I'm not imagining it. I'm not crazy. They see her too. _Emily's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. She reached her arm out to grab hold of Hanna's shoulder for support. She felt a little faint, all of a sudden. Hanna lifted her hand, and without taking her eyes off of Ali, she rested it on top of Emily's at her shoulder.

"You were right, Em." Hanna said in a toneless voice.

Emily's heart beat so fast inside her body that she was surprised the other girls hadn't heard it. She hadn't taken her eyes off of Alison once. She was afraid that if she did, then Ali would vanish, and it would all turn out to be a mirage. She just couldn't believe that after two long years of searching, she had finally found Alison. Or…had Ali found _her? _She just didn't know what to think.

Alison's eyes flickered over to the gate at the edge of the graveyard. She backed up a bit. Emily could hear people walking around outside the cemetery, and she knew by the look on Alison's face that she was getting ready to bolt.

"Ali don't leave again." Emily pleaded, and took a few steps forward. She held her arm out as if to halt the blonde from moving. Ali backed up further with a worried expression on her face.

"Don't." Emily said again, watching carefully as the conflict raged inside Alison's eyes. _Don't go. PLEASE. Don't go._ Not once in her life, had she ever seen Ali look this afraid.

"Look…" Ali's voice trembled. "I wanna come home…" She trailed off. She stared Emily straight in the eyes. "You have to help me."

Emily was so stunned by the look of absolute fear on Alison's face, that she couldn't even respond.

"Why? Who are you afraid of?" She heard Spencer ask tentatively.

Emily heard a loud shout from outside the graveyard. It sounded like a group of young teenagers. As their voices drew nearer, Ali's expression got more and more strained. It was clear that she was desperate not to be seen, and Emily knew that she was about to leave. She saw a tear fall down the blondes face as she struggled with her decision. She took a few more steps back, and Emily stayed rooted to the spot this time. She knew if she made one move forward, Alison would flee.

"Don't tell. _Please_." Ali said desperately. She held a finger up to her lips and pleaded with her eyes for the girls to be quiet. "Shh" She whispered, her eyes searching behind the girls heads as the shouts of the teenagers grew louder.

She looked in the direction of the approaching teens as they stumbled into view at the cemetery gate. Her eyes flitted worriedly back to Emily's. "_Promise me, _Em." She said, removing her finger from her lips.

Emily managed to nod her head slightly in agreement. _She doesn't want anybody to know she's here. _She realised. _She's hiding. Something awful must have happened to her for her to be this afraid. Oh, Ali…where have you been?_

The three girls, plus Alison, all turned to look over at the gate as a loud group of teenagers ran through the entrance of the cemetery. They laughed loudly to one another. Emily turned her head back to Alison first, knowing what was about to happen.

"Ali! Don't!" She shouted, as she saw Alison turn with a pained expression, and run away from the group as fast as she could. She watched her disappear behind the headstones in a blur of red and blonde. _No. She ran. Fuck! No!_

"WAIT!" She shouted again, and started after her. She knew she had reacted just a split second too slowly, though. Ali had already disappeared from view. It took the other girls slightly longer than Emily to realise what happened, and they followed behind her as she weaved her way around the headstones, trying to catch up to Alison.

Emily stumbled over the uneven ground as she tried to find Ali in the darkness, but it was too late. _She's gone. Oh my god. _Emily came to a breathless stop, and looked around in a panic. _Fuck! I can't see a damn thing! Fuck! She's fast. She's gone. Oh my god, what the hell just happened? _

Emily felt Hanna run up behind her. She hadn't expected Emily to stop so suddenly, and bumped into her, sending her stumbling forward a few steps. "Em." She breathed heavily. "Where is she?"

"I don't know." Emily answered in a quiet voice as she searched the gravestones for any sign of the blonde. _She's long gone. If she wanted me to catch her, I would have. She's disappeared._

Spencer and Aria caught up next. Spencer looked pissed off. "Okay. Does someone want to tell me what the hell is going on? Unless this is some seriously trippy shared dream experience…then we all just saw Alison…right?" She said pointedly.

"I don't know what I saw…" Aria said quietly. "It can't be her...she's dead."

"Well I'm sorry, Aria…but she's not. Clearly. Either that was some seriously creepy ghost shit in there…or she's alive." Spencer said.

"She's been alive the whole time." Emily said quietly, with conviction.

"You were right, Em." Hanna whispered. "I'm sorry I didn't believe you."

"I'm still not sure I believe it…" Aria said in a taut voice. She looked around the graveyard fearfully. "I mean…_how?" _She questioned. "How is this possible? They found her body."

"Well she looked pretty alive and kickin' to me…so my guess is they _didn't_." Spencer said dryly.

"Well what do we do now? Do we go after her?" Hanna questioned.

"If she wanted us to find her, we would have. She's gone." Emily said in a matter-of-fact tone. She stayed frozen in place. Her heart was beating furiously inside her chest as her mind raced with the image of Ali's face: afraid, and alone.

"She's in trouble." Emily stated. _Something really, really bad has happened. There's no other explanation. Her face…she was so frightened._

"Not yet. But she _will _be. When everyone finds out that she's not really dead." Spencer retorted sarcastically.

Emily whipped her head around. "Nobody is going to find out." She said sternly. _Not until we figure out what's going on. She wanted us to be quiet. She wanted us to keep it a secret. We can't tell any one._

"What are you talking about. Emily…we have to tell someone what we saw." Spencer stated firmly.

"No. We can't." Emily argued. "You saw her…she's afraid." She argued.

"Yeah! I would be too if I'd faked my own death!" Spencer said tartly. "She's going to have a _lot_ of explaining to do. Come on, we need to go. We need to find the police…or our parents. Or…_someone." _Spencer grabbed hold of Arias hand and began to pull her back in the direction of the graveyard entrance.

"NO!" Emily yelled. "We _can't. _She doesn't want us to."

"Who cares what she wants? We need to tell someone about this!" Spencer said angrily.

"I care!" Emily argued.

Spencer stalled, and turned to face her. "Emily, you cannot be serious right now." She barked.

"I'm dead serious. You saw her! She was _terrified! _Something is going on, Spence. We need to find out what it is!" Emily countered.

"Emily, this is beyond a joke!" Spencer exclaimed angrily.

"Guys!" Aria yelled. Everyone turned to face her. "Can we do this somewhere else, please? I kind of _don't_ want to be having this conversation with a bunch of dead people." Her face grimaced as she looked at the headstones with distaste.

Emily breathed heavily as she stared Spencer down.

"Fine." Spencer said irritably, giving in first. She knew she wouldn't win an argument with Emily over Alison. Some things just didn't ever change.

Emily breathed a sigh of relief. "Let's go." She said. She took one last look at the gravestones behind her, but there was no red flash this time. There was no blonde hair. There was only the silence of the dead.

**9.20pm Hanna's kitchen.**

"What _possible _reason could she have for this, Emily? I'm sorry, but you're not thinking straight." Spencer shouted.

The argument had been raging for half an hour. Luckily, Hanna's mom was out with her work friends for drinks, and the girls could speak freely without interruption.

"I don't know." Emily admitted. "I don't know what's going on any more than you do. But she's alive. She's alive and she's in _trouble." _

"And how do you know that, Em? She barely said two words. Look…I'm happy to see her, don't get me wrong…it's _amazing. _But we can't just ignore this. We can't just _let it go."_ Spencer said in frustration.

"I'm not asking you to let it go!" Emily retorted. "I'm asking you for _time!" _

"Time? Time for what? For Ali to run off again? Where's she been all this time, Em? Why didn't she tell us where she was?" She let us all believe she was _dead! _Spencer shouted.

"I don't know! I don't know why she didn't tell us! That's what I need to figure out. It's what _we _need to figure out. Look…I know it's hard to stay quiet…but didn't you see her face? Something bad has happened. I _feel it._ She wouldn't just run away for no reason..." Emily breathed heavily. "There's got to be a reason…" She trailed off quietly.

"Yeah. And knowing Ali, that reason will be about six foot tall with dark brown eyes and a really nice car!" Spencer yelled. "She's probably run off with some _random _guy she met while she was out doing God knows what! You know what she used to be like, Em. Don't you remember? She used to disappear on us _all _the time! This time it just went on a little longer…"

"What, two years? You really think she'd do that to us?" Aria interjected.

"I don't think she really cares. How can she? If she cared about us at all she wouldn't have been gone so long. I'm telling you, this will end up being about a guy. It always is with Ali." Spencer said knowingly.

Emily looked down. _I hope not. I hope that's not what this is. _She sighed. _Even if it is…I still have to help her. She looked so frightened…what if she did run off with some guy…and he hurt her? She wouldn't do this to us…to me? She wouldn't have just left, would she? _

"Even so. Even if that's all it is. We need to find out first, before we tell any one. We owe her that." Emily said with conviction.

Spencer tutted. She looked extremely annoyed. "We don't owe her _anything._"'she muttered.

Hanna had been quiet the entire time, sitting on her kitchen stool, observing the girls. As the conversation broke into an awkward silence, she spoke. "Em…" She started. Emily looked up. "You know her the best…out of everyone…do you really think she's in trouble?" She asked tentatively.

Emily sat down. She felt completely overwhelmed. She ran her fingers through her long brown hair and sighed in exhaustion. "Yes. I do." She said firmly.

"Then what do you want us to do?" Hanna asked. She smiled kindly at Emily and the brunette gave her a look of appreciation.

"I just…I don't know. All I know is that whatever it is…whatever she's running from…she doesn't want us to say anything. We need to find her. I need to speak to her. I just need to find out what the hell is going on." Emily said.

"I'll tell you what's been going on…" Spencer started, but Hanna cut her off.

"Spence. Just drop it." She snapped. "It's not doing us any good sitting here arguing about it. She's been gone for two years, another couple of days won't hurt. Why don't we just wait…and see if she shows up again. Let's just see what happens. Emily's right. We _don't _know. And as much as we think we have her figured out, I guarantee you, Ali will surprise us. There's got to be something more to all this than just her running away with some guy. There's got to be a reason she didn't come back. We need to wait…and find out _why_, before we do anything." Hanna concluded.

Emily gave her friend a look of absolute gratitude. She was glad to have at least one person in her corner. Spencer and Ali had never got along; there was always a rivalry between them…each girl always wanting to outsmart the other, and Spencer had never had it in her to trust a word Alison said…_ever. _Aria was a different story entirely, she liked to sit on the fence. She was always the quietest out of the group, and the most secretive after Alison. You never quite knew what she was thinking, and she usually went along with whatever the rest of the group decided to do. Emily could tell she was finding the whole situation difficult, she still wasn't sure if the tiny brunette fully believed that Ali was back, even though she had seen her with her own two eyes. Hanna had no reason to like Alison at all, and trusted her only marginally more than Spencer did. Ali had picked on her incessantly about her weight, but Hanna somehow always managed to forgive her. Hanna was nothing if not fair, though, and she knew how deeply Emily felt for Ali. She knew how much it meant to her to have her back.

Spencer turned to Hanna with an irritable expression. "Fine. But don't come crying to me when this all turns out to be just another one of Alison's games."

"It's not a game. This is serious. Couldn't you see by how terrified she was?" Emily asked in disbelief.

"Yeah! Because she knows she's going to be in a shit ton of trouble!" Spencer yelled.

"Guys! This is getting us nowhere…we're just going round in circles. Stop." Hanna ordered.

Emily and Spencer both folded their arms at the same time, staring at each other angrily.

"Fine. I won't say anything. But I'm sure as hell not going to chase her. If she wants help, she can come to us. We've done enough searching." Spencer said. There was a finality to her voice that dared _nobody_ to argue with her statement.

"She will come to us. She said she wanted to come home. She said she needed our help. She'll come." Emily said forcefully. _She will. I know she will. I could see it in the way she looked at me. She's got nobody in the world to help her. She needs me._

"Please…just give it a few days. I know she'll come back." Emily pleaded.

Spencer shook her head in irritation. "Three days. That's it. Then, we go to the police." Spencer said.

"Fine." Emily agreed. Hanna and Aria nodded.

"So…now what do we do?" Aria asked.

"We wait." Emily answered. _We wait for her to come to us._

Emily left Hanna's house with every intention of going home, but she couldn't resist another look at the graveyard first, just in case Ali showed up again. Alison didn't show up, but Emily noticed that the blue car which had been parked outside the gate, had now gone. She sighed heavily, and stared at the iron gate of the cemetery for an infinitely long time. She just couldn't shake off the events of the night.

She had entered the cemetery, and had stood by the mausoleum alone, waiting for any sign of the blonde, but in the end…she had just been disappointed. Ali was nowhere to be found. Emily couldn't understand why she hadn't shown up. She had been _alone_, after all. She could understand why Alison didn't want to talk in front of the other girls, and why she had been afraid of the teenagers seeing her, but why wouldn't she come out for Emily? The brunette didn't know. She kept trying to tell herself that Ali wasn't there…that she wasn't watching, but Emily could feel her. She could feel her gaze through the darkness of the headstones. She knew she was being observed. Usually being alone in a graveyard at night would unnerve her, but the sheer fact that Alison hadn't returned yet, was worse. She felt on edge, her stomach twisted painfully in knots, and her heartbeat was soaring the entire time. Every time she heard a noise, her body would jump, and her heart would jump with it.

After making sure that Ali was well and truly _not _going to come out, Emily had decided to go home in the end. She walked back to her house in a solemn, but alert, mood. After what seemed like an eternity, she finally reached her front door; and as she entered the house she paused, looking back over her shoulder. She couldn't shake the image of Alison's gaze as her eyes had registered her presence in the cemetery. She had looked so, so happy to see Emily, but at the same time…afraid. Emily couldn't help but hope she was watching her now, too. _Are you out there? _She wondered, searching the shadows on the opposite side of the street. _I can always feel you. The only difference is…now I know it's not just my imagination. Now I know you're real. I've felt you all this time. I knew you were alive. Are you out there? _Emily wondered, her eyes trying to penetrate the darkness of the tree line. _If you're there, Ali…then I'll be waiting. I'm here. Please…find me. I'm always waiting for you. _She thought. She closed the front door and stepped inside her house.

She had been so busy searching for Alison, and arguing with her friends about her, that she hadn't yet processed what had happened. She had dealt with it all quickly, and efficiently, and had gone about the night with a determined approach. She hadn't actually stopped…and let herself _feel _anything. The night had been loud…full of arguments, and theories, and conversation. It wasn't until she stepped into the warmth, and the quiet of her house, that Emily finally stopped, and realised what had happened. She made it only half way up the stairs before she collapsed from shock. She sat in the middle of the steps, trembling. Her eyes filled with tears, and then closed as she felt the tension of the last two years leave her body. Her eyes watered as she realised that finally…_finally_ it was over. _Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. She's back. _Emily felt the relief, the euphoria, and the ache in her heart as it all surged through her at once. She took several deep breaths. She was absolutely exhausted, but she knew that she wouldn't be able to sleep. There was no point, either. She was already dreaming. But this time…this time it was all real. _She's home._

**Two days later.**

Emily hadn't been able to keep her thoughts straight all day. She couldn't remember the last time she hadn't felt stressed, and it was beginning to take its toll on her. Her eyes were weary. She hadn't slept at all for the last two nights. She was far too worried that if she closed her eyes, and went to sleep, then Alison would somehow appear while she was unconscious, and she would miss her. She had waited up at her windowsill every night, searching the street late into the early hours of the morning for any sign of the blonde. She kept waiting to see a familiar streak of red through the trees…but it never came. A couple of times she thought she saw something flash, just out of the corner of her vision, but she put it down to her imagination. She saw Ali _everywhere_. Every time she had seen someone in the street with blonde hair, or a red coat, she had rushed over, thinking it was Ali. It never was. She knew she was on edge, and the waiting game was wearing thin. Alison was well and truly gone, again, and she was desperate to find her.

Her friends had kept to their word. They hadn't been to the police, and had agreed to wait for Alison to contact them again before they told anyone she was alive. Emily was grateful, but she was also worried. She had fought so hard on Ali's behalf. She had told them all that she believed Ali to be in serious trouble, and had prevented them from sharing the secret of her return. The more time that passed without a word, or a sign from Ali, though, the more Emily was starting to regret her decision. Emily could feel the third day approaching, and she knew she was out of time. Her friends wouldn't wait forever, and she wished Ali would show her face.

The more her friends spoke about Ali, the harder it became to defend her. As much as Emily tried not to listen, it didn't change the fact that some of the things Spencer would say, _did_ make sense. Ali could have contacted them at any time, but she didn't. And the more time went on, the more annoyed Emily was becoming. She wanted to believe that Ali was in trouble, and needed her, but the more time that passed, the more she was starting to question Alison's reasons for disappearing in the first place.

_I only have one day left, Ali. Then it's out of my hands. I can't give you any more time. They won't wait. You have to reach out. Be brave. _Emily sat at her open window, feeling the humidity of the summer night seep in. She turned her face sadly back to the darkness of her bedroom. _Where is she? Did she just run off, again? How could she just show up like that…and then just leave again? Doesn't she care at all. Doesn't she care how hard this is for us? For me? _Emily thought.

Her eyes flickered up to her closet. _Don't forget who she is. Spencer was right, she likes to play games. _Emily remembered the diary, and what was written in it. She had hidden it high up in her closet, so that she wouldn't have to look at it. She knew she should have thrown it away a long time ago, but she just couldn't bring herself to do it. Even though it had been scathing, and hurtful, she just _couldn't _get rid of it. Throwing it away would be like getting rid of a part of Alison herself, and even though Emily hated what she had written, she still couldn't bring herself to erase Ali's thoughts like that. _Don't forget the truth of what she said. Don't forget what she did to you. Don't forget what she wrote about you._

Emily knew it wasn't a good idea to look again, but she did so anyway. She pulled the dusty box down from the top of her closet, and pulled out the little blue book. _Alison's book of secrets. _She thought. _What secrets are you hiding now? Oh, Ali. I wish you knew just how hard this was for me. _She thought, as she opened the pages. _Girl crush. God. Why am I doing this? Why am I looking at this, again? _Emily didn't know why she wanted to look, she just did. She knew that reminding herself of the way Ali felt about her wasn't a good idea, and she knew that it would only make her feel _worse_, but she couldn't help but have one last look. Maybe it was to remind herself to be cautious…she didn't know. All she knew, was that she needed to see it. She needed to read the words on the page one more time, if only to remind herself of who Alison really was. _Or who she used to be. God, Ali. How can I ever know what to think? You've always been an enigma to me. You wrote all this down…and I never knew you were lying to my face. But you didn't lie, did you? You told me. You said you couldn't love me the way I loved you…I was just too star struck by you to ever listen. All that time, you were laughing at me, and I never read your signs. I never took the hint. I never knew that this was all just a big joke to you. _Emily read the entry again, her heart tightening with pain.

"_I definitely don't have feelings for her."_

"_I better make sure she doesn't think what happened between us meant anything…"_

Emily read the words over and over, trying to make them fit in her mind. _I never got the chance to tell her how I felt. She never read my letter. I should have told her the truth. I should have told her how much she hurt me. I just let her get away with all this. And now…she's back. But she's still playing games. She said she wanted help…but where is she? She's run off again. I am so naïve. I'm still the same girl I was when I was fifteen. I let her get away with doing whatever she wants. She's playing with me, even now. For all I know she's skipped town with some guy. For all I know she doesn't need help at all. God, Ali. I wish you'd just be honest, for once. How can any one ever know what's real, and what's not when it comes to her? Am I a fool? _Emily looked down sadly at the diary, and crawled under her duvet cover.

She spent the rest of the night pouring over the contents of the diary, in much more detail than she had the first time. She had skipped a lot of the pages the first time around, they were just too painful to read, but now…now that her heart had hardened, she was finally able to take it all in. She came to a page titled: _The mermaid. _

_This is obviously about me. _Emily thought with irritation, as she read Alison's scathing passage. _She calls me weak…she says I was stalking her. _Emily's heart pinched.

"_All I have to do is click my fingers, and she comes running."_

Emily's stomach flipped. _God. Is that what she's doing now? Am I just weak? Does she really need my help? Or is she just playing with me? Fuck! Ali, I wanted so, so badly for you to come back. But now that you are…I don't know what to think. Does she need me? Am I an idiot for defending her? The girl that wrote this…was so awful about me. About everyone. Fuck! _Emily couldn't work it out. She was so overwhelmed with the events of the last couple of days, and now, she had made herself feel even worse. _I shouldn't have read this again. I shouldn't have looked. _She thought. _You know what it did to you the last time. It made you lose all hope in her. Why have you looked at this again? _

Emily felt the burn in her heart from a familiar confusion long put to rest. She had learned to make peace with this diary and its contents. But now, after Alison's return, it all just seemed so relevant again. No matter how hard she tried to forget it, it would always be there, waiting. Ali had played games with her, and used her as a form of entertainment. She had lied, and deliberately kept Emily close, so that she would always have an ally. _She kept me at her side with kisses, and hints of love. But it was all lies. It didn't mean anything. It never meant anything to her. _

Emily rested her head in her hand and sighed. She leaned back against her pillow and stared sadly down at the diary in confusion. _Where are you, Alison? _She flicked the pages back to the entry titled: girl crush. _Why would she write all this down? Did she want me to see this? She's talking about the kiss in the library. That day meant everything to me. She was my whole world. She was right. I did love her against reason. Maybe it's time I started thinking things through a little more…_

Emily thought about the diary late into the night, and fell asleep gazing at the pages as the small book lay open in front of her. She didn't know when she had fallen asleep, but at some point, her eyes must have drifted shut.

**Two hours later: 4.08am.**

"Emily…"

Emily awoke suddenly to the feel of a slight breeze against her face. She blinked through a haze of sleep. _Mom? Did someone say my name? What time is it? _

Her eyes focused on the open window, and she realised she hadn't closed it before she'd gone to sleep. She was still half asleep, and her eyes were blurry, but as she stared at the room in front of her, she suddenly found herself _wide _awake. She was shocked. Emily's heart jumped at the silhouette of a girls slender frame standing in front of her window. _Oh my god! _Emily sat bolt upright. There, standing right in front of her in the middle of her bedroom, was Alison. _Fuck! Ali! Oh my god…she's here!_

"_Alison?" _Emily asked in surprise, not quite believing what she was seeing. She had been waiting for Ali to show up, but not like this. She really hadn't expected her to appear in her bedroom in the middle of the night.

The blonde was wearing jeans, and a sleeveless black top. She looked _much _better than she had the last time Emily had seen her. She actually looked…_normal. _There was a hint of caution in the way she moved, as she stepped closer to the bed.

"Emily." She stated sweetly. There was a fondness to her voice, as if she was greeting a dear friend.

Ali's lips grew into a smile as she walked up to the edge of the bed. She shook her head slightly in disbelief as she walked. "You have _no idea_ how much I've missed you." She spoke as if nothing had happened between them, and as if two years was only a day. She looked at Emily in a way that made her heart flutter, and Emily felt her guard go up immediately. _Don't fall for the smile. Don't let it drag you in. Oh, God, but I want to be dragged in. She's right here. She's close enough to touch._

"Missed me?" Emily asked in irritation. She moved closer to the edge of the bed, her body still under the covers. "I've been here the _whole time._" She looked over Alison's smiling face. _How can she just casually show up, and pretend as if nothing's happened? "_You're the one that's been gone." She stated. _You're the one who left. You did this. _

Alison noticed the tension in Emily's voice, and her face dropped its smile. "Please don't be mad." She said worriedly. She had a hint of caution to her movement now, as she rested her hand on the top of the bed pole. She didn't break eye contact with Emily.

_Mad? Don't be mad? _Emily felt her irritation double. _How can she just stand there, and expect us to have a normal conversation. She can't just walk in and say hello and expect all this to just go away. She's the one who left. She left me. I didn't leave her. She left with no explanation, and never once contacted me. How can she expect me to be fine? This isn't fair. _

"You _chose _this." Emily said. It was more of a question than a statement. _How could you choose to leave like that? Why? _Emily shook her head in disbelief. "You chose this for you…you chose this for _us…" _She trailed off.

Alison looked worried. She looked as though she had hoped for an easier conversation. "I know you're upset." She said sadly. "I know I hurt you the most…" Her voice broke as she said the words, and Emily could hear the genuine emotion in her voice as her eyes began to shine with tears. "But I wanna explain…" She started. Emily didn't let her finish.

"But you _can't?_" Emily stated. _Right, Ali? You can't explain. That's what you're going to say, isn't it? She's going to say she can't tell me. She's going to say she can't explain what happened, just like she always used to do. It was always 'keep this a secret, keep that a secret.' She never tells you the whole story._

Ali walked around the side of the bed, and crawled on top of it, suddenly. She moved across the covers on her knees until she was facing Emily, their bodies sitting opposite one another. She was close enough for Emily to be able to smell her perfume for the first time in what felt like an eternity, and she tried not to react to Ali's close proximity.

"But I _can._ I have to. I owe that to you." Ali said firmly. She stared into Emily's eyes, searching her face. Emily could tell she was looking for forgiveness, and she had a hopeful expression on her face, as if she was expecting Emily to give in.

Emily tried to break eye contact, but she found that she couldn't. She _never _could when it came to Ali. She was surprised that Alison had said that she would explain. It was the last thing she had expected. Ali usually deflected things. She only ever told you what _she _wanted you to know. The brunette shook her head slightly. _How can she possibly explain all this? _

"You have _no _idea what I've been through." Alison's voice trembled. She sounded desperate and scared. The problem was, Emily couldn't figure out _why _she was so frightened. _Is it because something truly horrible is going on? Or is this fear because she's worried we won't take her back_? _Is she just back because she doesn't have anywhere else to go? Is she only here, in this room…because she thinks I'm the weak one? God, what is going on. I can't tell if it's a game, or if it's real._

"You're right. I _don't._" Emily said angrily. She suddenly felt all the confusion inside her head boil over into irritation. "And you have _no idea _what _we've _been through, either!" She stated firmly. _You have no idea what this has done to us…what this has done to me. You left, and you left an atom bomb behind. You have no idea how many pieces of myself I had to put back together. How can you sit there, and smile at me?_

"I saved your life!" Ali said quickly. "I risked _everything for you!" _

_What is she talking about? Is she talking about the barn? No, Ali. You're not doing this to me. Do not bring that up. You don't get to talk your way out of this._

"You _destroyed_ me!" Emily shouted loudly, her frustration reaching boiling point. "OKAY! I thought you were _dead!" _She breathed heavily, her heart racing.

She didn't even care if she woke up the whole house. She was _so _angry. She couldn't tell what kind of game Alison was playing, and she'd had enough. _Fuck. I don't know what to do. I can't have her in my bedroom. I thought I could talk to her, but I can't. After everything she's done, I can't deal with her explaining this away. There are no words she could possibly say to make this all okay. How the fuck can she sit there and look at me with those eyes? How can she sit there and look as if she missed me? She did this. She did all of this._

"But I'm not." The blonde said quietly. Alison looked sad, and for once, vulnerable. Emily wasn't used to seeing her look fazed by anything, but the brunettes outburst had obviously struck a cord. She looked meek, and tentative, and her voice shook with worry as she spoke.

Alison looked as though she would cry at any moment. "Aren't you glad that I'm not?" She asked, and Emily could tell it was a genuine concern.

Emily was taken aback by the question. She did something then that she was rarely able to do, and broke eye contact with Ali. She stared at the bed covers. Her heart filled with emotion as she contemplated her answer. _Of course I'm glad. Of course I am. God, you being alive is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I can't express how happy I am to see you. But I'm not giving that to you. I'm not giving in that easily. I'm not going to let you manipulate this situation so that I forgive you. I need more time. _Emily thought. She didn't answer Alison's question, and for once in her life, she took some of her power back. _I'm not answering. I shouldn't have to, after everything. _

Ali looked as though she didn't know what to say, or do. Her eyes flickered over Emily's face as she took in Emily's silence. She looked crestfallen, and her eyes drifted down to the bed. Emily felt guilty for not answering, but she was too furious to give in. She hadn't expected herself to react so angrily to Ali. She had expected that she would rush into her arms, and tell her how much she loved, and missed her. But that was the old Emily. The new Emily wasn't weak. She wouldn't allow the words of another to manipulate her any more. She didn't know if Ali was genuine, or just trying to use her, and she was finally smart enough to be cautious.

Suddenly, Emily noticed Alison's eyes fix on to something behind her. Emily furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. She turned her head to see what Ali was looking at. Her heart jumped in shock.

_Oh shit, no. I forgot it was there. I fell asleep reading it. Fuck. The diary! _

Emily saw an arm reach past her body, and grip the diary. She turned quickly as she saw Alison grab it in both hands, and stare at it as if it was a tarantula. She thought Alison's reaction would be one of anger, but it wasn't. A sorrowful expression came over Alison's face as she took in the words _girl crush_, on the page.

"I remember writing this…" Ali trailed off sadly. Her voice sounded absent, as if it was a million miles away. Her eyes trailed slowly across the words on the page, as if her mind had drifted to a distant memory.

"You and me…" She trailed off wistfully, flicking through the pages. Emily noticed that her gaze fixed onto a blank page, and she stared at it for an infinitely long time. "At the kissing rock…" she continued. She looked up at Emily then, with a knowing half smile on her face. Emily could tell she was remembering their kiss, she could tell by the glint in Alison's eyes as she fixed her gaze onto Emily.

Emily couldn't remember a passage about the kissing rock. She had read Alison's thoughts about their kiss in the library, but not once had she seen anything referencing what had happened in the clearing by the lake that day, so very long ago. Ali stared down at the blank page again, and continued to flick through the diary. She looked guilty, as if she knew exactly what Emily had seen.

"I thought I was being smart…locking it all up in a journal." Ali said with a sad voice. She sighed, and closed the diary firmly. "They took _everything_, didn't they." She stated, almost to herself. Emily was confused. Ali lightly threw the diary onto the bedspread, and pushed it away from herself with her hand, as if she didn't want it near her.

_What is she talking about? Who's they? What does she mean. What did they take from her?_

"_Who, _Ali?" Emily asked firmly. "Who took everything? Who did this to you? What did they take?" _What happened to you?_

Alison looked away. Emily could tell that she was fighting back tears. When she turned back to face her, she looked broken, as if a thousand thoughts were racing through her brain. She shook her head slightly, and Emily could tell that she was only a second away from crying. "I don't want to talk about it…" She breathed, her voice breaking with emotion. Emily watched as a tear made its way down her cheek.

_God…what is happening? Why does she always shut down? _Emily wondered. Her first instinct was to reach out and comfort Ali, but the words in the diary were still firmly planted in her head.

Alison seemed to _know _what Emily was thinking. When she spoke again, it was in a voice that said she knew Emily well enough to know exactly what was going through her mind. "I bet you're wondering which one is real." Ali tilted her head in a kittenish way, but it wasn't born from flirtation, this time. It was affectionate instead. She sighed, and continued. "The girl in front of you...or….the one who wrote that." She said in a melancholy voice. She sounded defeated. She glanced over at the diary on the bedspread. Emily's gaze followed, and rested on the little blue book.

_Yes. I am. I don't know what's real, and what's imaginary, any more. I don't know who you are. I don't know if you're the same person. I'm hoping you're not the same. I'm hoping that you've changed. The girl in that diary wrote awful things. I'm wishing with everything inside my heart, that it wasn't the real you. I'm hoping that this girl in front of me…is the real Ali._

Alison's eyes found Emily's, and she nodded, as if she had read her mind. "So am I."

Ali's face strained with emotion as she tried to hold her tears inside. "That's why I _need _you." She smiled widely, suddenly, as if she was remembering something. "You _always _saw the best version of me!" She looked hopeful, as if she was expecting Emily to react a certain way. She looked as though her entire world rested on Emily's response. "The person I wanna be…" Ali continued.

_I always saw you as the center of my entire universe. I was a satellite, and you were the sun. But then you left. You left without a word. Now you come back, and you expect me to just be okay with it. You want my help, but then you won't tell me why. How can I see the best version of you any more? After I read your true thoughts, in that diary, how can I believe that the person I knew was the real you? You kept so much from me. You're keeping things from me, now. How can you have changed? Everything is still one big secret to you. You won't let me in._

Emily shook her head. "I don't see that any more." She whispered. _I can't. I can't, Ali. You gave me no choice. _

Alison's eyes squeezed tightly shut as soon as Emily said the words. A pained expression clouded her features.

_God, I've hurt her. _Emily thought, her heart flipping inside her chest. She felt guilty. Ali looked so confused, and she instantly regretted her hostility throughout the conversation. She didn't let it show on her face, though. _She can't know that this is getting to me. I can't let my guard slip. _

Ali opened her eyes suddenly. A look of confusion passed across her face. The look was mirrored in Emily's own eyes. "You don't?" Ali asked timidly. She looked broken.

"I…" Emily started. _I don't know. I don't know what I think, any more._

"I thought you'd…" Alison trailed off.

"I'd what? I'd understand? Ali, I don't understand _anything." _Emily said forcefully. "Because you haven't _told me_. How can you expect me to just…_accept _this?"

"I know." Ali looked down sadly. "I know what I've done. But _Em_…I promise you, if there was another way…"

Emily flinched at the way Alison had said her name. It was affectionate, and _so _casual, as if they'd never been apart. It was jarring.

"Don't." Emily said firmly. _Don't say my name like that. You don't know me, any more. You can't just…_

"Don't what?" Alison asked, her voice sad, and searching. Emily could tell that she was lost. She hadn't been expecting this reaction from Emily at all, and to be honest, neither had Emily.

"Don't say my name like you have feelings for me. We both know that you don't." Emily said bravely. _Where did that come from? Oh, God..._

Ali's body moved back a fraction in surprise. "What?" She asked.

"I…" Emily started, but she lost her nerve. "Nothing…" She finished, averting her eyes to the wall.

"Em…" Ali said again, with concern. She looked conflicted. Her eyes darted over Emily's face. She reached out with her hand, and moved to cover Emily's hand with her own on top of the the bed covers. Emily snapped her head back towards Alison before her hand could reach her. She pulled her hand away, sharply.

"I said don't." She said firmly. Ali frowned. Emily stood up, suddenly, and walked as far away from Ali as she could get in the enclosed space of her bedroom. She breathed heavily as she stood at the window, her back to Ali. She daren't look back. She heard Alison move from the bed, but she refused to turn around.

_God, she's right here. This is all you've wanted for so long. She's right behind you. She's right here. _Emily felt her body tremble as she looked out into the blackness of the night. _Don't. Don't look back. If you look back, you'll get pulled in. You'll lose your nerve. Don't give in. _Emily struggled. A storm of emotion was raging inside her body. On one hand, she wanted to surrender to Alison's words, and affection. Her heart wanted nothing more than to let her in...to believe every word she said, as if she'd never been gone. But Emily's mind argued back. It told her not to trust Ali, and that she would only end up hurt again if she allowed herself to be sucked into Alison's game. _Is it a game? Is this the real her? Is she being genuine?_

Emily felt Alison's warmth as she came to stand directly behind her. She could feel Ali's breath on the back of her neck, and she shivered, closing her eyes. She tried not to allow herself to react, but it was impossible. There were some things that even anger couldn't erase. Her heart soared, as she felt Ali's hand lightly touch her shoulder.

Emily turned slowly, as her heart gave in first. Her mind was still shouting that this was a mistake, but she ignored it. Having Ali back, and so close to her…was too intense of an emotion to be ignored. Emily stared at Ali with tears in her eyes. _You're alive, and I feel it now more than ever. _

Ali was so close to her now. She could see the conflict, and sadness in her expression, as Ali gazed at her with stormy eyes. Emily had to close her own, to stop herself from being dragged in.

"Em…" Ali said again softly, and this time, Emily didn't argue. Her eyes opened, and she felt Ali's hand grasp her own at her side. "I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry." Ali stared deeply into her eyes, and Emily realised that she would believe anything Alison said when she looked at her that way. Emily felt her own fingers betray her, and start to link with Ali's.

Emily couldn't speak. Her breathing faltered as she felt Alison's fingers entwine with hers.

Ali looked fondly down at their closed hands. "You don't tremble when I touch you any more." Ali whispered sadly. Emily couldn't tell if it was a statement, or a question, but she knew it wasn't true.

_I do. I'm just keeping it inside. You have no idea how close I am to breaking._

But Ali _did _know. She squeezed Emily's hand a little, rubbing her thumb sensually across the pulse point at her wrist in a small circle. Emily felt the effect immediately, and her breath caught in her throat as she felt the pleasurable sensation spark all the way through her, and come to rest between her legs. She breathed in harshly, and closed her eyes. When she opened them again, she knew she was blushing. She saw Ali smile slightly, but she couldn't read the expression. Emily knew she'd given her true feelings away by her reaction.

She took a ragged, deep breath. She could feel Alison's presence all over her body. She wanted to kiss her, and she knew she was in trouble. _God. I can't do this. I can't let this overtake me. I have to keep clear headed. _Her eyes glanced at the bedspread behind Alison's shoulder, and she spied the diary lying open on the sheets.

_No. Remember. Remember what she said. This isn't real. Don't let yourself believe the lie._

Emily stepped back suddenly, pulling her hand quickly away from Alison's. She strode over to the bed as Ali watched her with a perplexed expression.

_God, I'm a fool. She only has to touch me and I fall for all her tricks again. Fuck. She's right. I'm weak._

Emily picked up the diary, and held it in shaking hands. She turned back to Ali and stared at her with an accusatory expression. "Don't try and play me." She said angrily.

Ali looked shocked. "What?" She asked, taking a step forward.

Emily put her arm out, indicating for Alison to stay where she was. _Keep back. If you come any closer, I'll crumble. You can't touch me, or I'll give in._

Ali stopped moving. She stared at Emily with a hurt expression.

"I'm not playing you. Emily...I know you're angry at me…" She started, but Emily cut her off.

"Angry? I'm not angry at you. I'm _hurt._ I'm hurt that even now…even after all this time…you still think of me as one of your little play things." She said forcefully.

"Emily…you were _never_ a play thing to me. How could you think that?" Ali asked in a genuine voice.

"How could I think that?" Emily yelled, not caring if she was being loud. "All you've ever done is play me!" She threw the diary at Alison's feet. A look of understanding passed across Alison's face.

"Oh god…you didn't read it, did you?" She asked in a horrified voice.

"Of _course _I read it. Didn't you just see me sleeping with it?" Emily retorted. _What is she talking about? She just saw me with it. She knows I've read it. She's stalling._

"No…" Ali said, looking down at the diary. She knelt down slowly, and picked it up. "You _didn't _read it. _Did_ you? She repeated. Emily noticed that there was a different inflection to her words now, but she couldn't understand what Alison meant by her changed phrasing.

"I thought…I thought you'd know…I thought…I thought you'd…figure it out…" Ali stuttered anxiously.

_Figure out what? What the hell is going on? This makes absolutely no sense. _Emily thought angrily.

A look of understanding passed across Alison's face. She looked absolutely horrified. Her mouth gaped in shock, and she raked both her hands through her hair as if she was extremely stressed. "I thought…I thought you…"

"_What? _Ali?" Emily asked. _What the hell is going on?_

_"_Oh my God." Ali said. She pinched the bridge of her nose with her fingertips and screwed her eyes shut. "Emily…_please _tell me you figured the diary out." She stated. She stared at Emily expectantly.

_What the hell is she talking about? What does she mean 'figured it out?'_

"The diary. Emily." Ali said quickly. "You need to read it again. _Please…_you don't understand..." She sounded desperate. Emily didn't have a clue what was going on, and she wasn't enjoying the confusion.

_Why would I want to read it again? Twice was more than enough. She can burn the damn thing. I don't want it near me._

"I think I've had enough of your diary for one lifetime, _thanks._" Emily said sarcastically. She looked at the small blue book on the floor with contempt.

"Emily, you _have to_. You don't understand…it's not…it's not what you think." Ali said. She moved across the room towards the brunette, picking up the diary as she walked. She held it out to Emily. "_Please."_

"_No." _Emily folded her arms. "I already know what you think of me. I don't need to see it again."

"Yes you do!" Ali said in a raised voice. She looked around the room in a panic. "The snow globe. The one I gave you…do you still have it?" She asked.

_Yes. Of course I do. Why is she asking me about this?_

_"Why?" _Emily asked in confusion. "What's that got to do with anything, Ali?"

"It has everything to do with it. _Please, _just tell me…do you still have it or not?"

Emily shrugged. She refused to look Alison in the eye. She didn't want to admit that she had held on to it for all these years. She didn't want Ali to know she still cared. It was only a few feet away, sitting on a shelf on the wall, but Emily didn't want to give Alison the satisfaction of knowing she had treasured it so dearly.

"_Emily_…do you have it?" Ali said again, this time her voice was firmer. "Please answer me. It's important."

_Fine. I'll play along._

"Over there. On the shelf." Emily said in as much of an emotionless voice as she could manage. She tilted her head in the direction of the snow globe, and saw Alison's eyes follow her direction.

Emily saw Alison search the shelf with her eyes. She must have found the snow globe, because the blonde closed her eyes, and sighed in relief. "Oh, thank God."

Ali strode quickly over to the shelf, and picked up the small sphere.

_What on Earth is she doing? I don't have time for this! _

Emily was still extremely frustrated. She didn't _want _Ali to leave; in fact, that was the farthest thing from true, but she didn't think she could take the guessing games any longer. She needed Ali to speak to her, and give her _real _answers.

"Ali, what the fuck is going on? I can't _deal _with all this! You have to start talking to me! Im not a mind reader!" Emily said angrily. She was surprised at her own hostility, but her emotions were all over the place. She didn't know whether to be happy that Ali was back, or _cry, _because Alison was still the same enigma she had always been.

"God...I gave this to you…thinking you'd figure it out, Emily." Ali turned sharply with the small glass globe in her hands. "Didn't you try? Didn't you get it?"

"Get _what?" For God sake, what?_

"THIS!" Ali shouted, holding up the snow globe so that Emily could see it clearly.

_I remember when she gave that to me. It was the last time I ever saw her…before…_

"The inscription, Em. Did you not read what it says?" Ali held it out in her hand and turned it so that it caught the light from the open window. Emily was cautious, but she moved to stand in front of Ali. She looked down at the object, and stared at the inscription which was cut into the dark wood on the side. Alison handed it to her so that she could get a closer look. Emily took the delicate object in her own hand.

_Celare Secretum. _Emily read. She had stared at the snow globe numerous times, admiring it's beauty, but she hadn't thought to pay much attention to the foreign words on the side. She couldn't read them, and the object alone, was what mattered to Emily. It was precious to her. Ali had given it to her before she had disappeared and she had always treasured it.

_Why does she want me to read this? What does this have to do with anything?_

"In case you hadn't noticed…I don't speak Chinese." Emily stated sarcastically. She handed the snow globe back to Ali, and backed up again, towards the bed.

"It's not Chinese, it's Latin." Alison responded.

"Well how do you expect me to read Latin? I'm not _Spencer, _Ali." The brunette said.

"What? You've never heard of _google translate?" _Ali said with a hint of sarcasm to her voice. Emily could tell that she was getting frustrated at the attitude she was showing her.

_Good. Let her be annoyed. I don't care. _Emily knew that deep down, she _did _care, though. She knew she couldn't keep up her attitude for much longer. She had always been far too forgiving, and she had always had trouble holding on to her temper.

"I'm sorry, Ali. I really didn't have the time these last two years to be playing 'guess the catch phrase'…I was far too busy…you know…thinking my best friend was _dead." _She said hotly. She knew she was pushing it, and that Ali would probably get tired of her hostility soon, but she couldn't help it. The whole thing was just _too _frustrating. _Why is she going on about stupid words on the damn snow globe. What the fuck has this got to do with anything!_

"Your best friend?" Ali asked quietly. "Is that what I am?"

Alison's eyes flickered towards Emily's wrist. Emily knew that she was looking for the friendship bracelet that she had given to her years before. Emily had worn it for the first year after Ali had disappeared, but when she had started dating Maya, she had removed it, and put it safely inside her dresser next to a picture of Ali.

Emily didn't answer her question. She shifted uncomfortably. _I don't know what you are to me. You were dead, just a few days before. How can you ask me these things, and expect answers…when you've given me none. _

"Em.." Ali started. She took a few steps towards the brunette, and this time, Emily didn't stop her. "I want to show you something."

"Show me what?" Emily said quietly. _What could she possibly have to show me. _

"I thought you'd find it years ago." Ali looked down at the snow globe in her hands. "This inscription…it means: _conceal secret. _I guess…I guess my grandmother knew me better than I thought she did. When she gave this to me…she told me it was because I liked to keep things safe. She wanted me to have something that was just mine…" Ali trailed off absently.

Emily was annoyed. _Conceal secret. Figures._

"Touching story, Ali." She said bluntly. "You wanna tell me what it has to do with me?" She asked. She knew she was just being bitchy now, though. Despite her irritation, Emily was still intrigued.

"Emily when I gave you this…do you remember what I said?" Ali asked.

Emily did remember. There hadn't been a day over the last two years that she hadn't thought of it.

"_You're the only one that understands me, Em..."_

"_The only one I can be completely honest with…"_

"_Hold on to it…it's a lot more important than it looks…it's special…I really want you to be the one to have it…just in case…"_

"Yeah. I do." Emily answered truthfully.

Ali sighed. "I meant what I said, Em. About you being the only one I could be honest with…"

Emily frowned. "You have a funny way of showing it." She muttered.

Ali rolled her eyes slightly. "I _tried! _I was honest with you!" Ali threw her arms up in frustration. "You just… you just never knew it…"

Emily was confused. She didn't have a clue what Alison was talking about, and she was getting more annoyed by the second.

"Tell me what I need to know." She demanded.

"Here." Ali said. She held the snow globe out to Emily. The brunette took it. This time, she focused on the small inscription on the side.

"Open it." Ali instructed.

"It opens?" Emily asked. _How did I not know that it opens? Probably because you were too afraid to touch it in case it broke. _

"Twist the bottom to the left, and push down." Ali instructed.

Emily glanced inquisitively at Alison, and then focused her eyes on the base of the snow globe. She could see a thin line that she hadn't noticed before. It ran all around the bottom, just under the carved words.

Emily moved to follow Alison's instructions, but as her hand closed over the bottom of the globe, ready to twist, Ali's hand suddenly covered her own.

"Wait." The blonde whispered. She stepped closer to the brunette. Emily was alarmed. Ali was suddenly _very _close to her, and she could almost feel the blondes breath on her lips. The atmosphere inside the room charged to a thousand degrees, and Emily's breathing faltered at the sudden heat which flushed through her. Her eyes flickered down towards Alison's mouth. _I could kiss her now…and forget all this. I could…if I just move one inch closer..._

"Why?" Emily murmured. She felt Ali's fingers on her hand, and she didn't want her to remove them. Her skin tingled where Ali was touching her, and she felt her heartbeat increase a little. _God. I can't deal with this. It's so confusing. How can I stay strong when my body reacts this way when she's near me? I can't._

"I shouldn't be here when you open this. It's private. You should decide how you want to feel, for yourself, without my influence." Ali said quietly.

_Without her influence? She loves to influence people…what's going on? _

"Ali…I don't understand." Emily said, feeling tears start to form in her eyes. _God, I don't understand anything. I missed you so, so much. _

_"_Inside the snow globe, I put something very…private." Ali whispered. "My feelings." She searched Emily eyes, and locked her into an intense gaze. "My _real _feelings."

Emily couldn't speak. Her throat was dry, and she was trying so hard to stay composed. She was trying to understand Alison's words, but it still wasn't making any sense. Her pulse raced at the feel of Alison's proximity to her body. She felt her mind screaming at her to pull away, but her heart kept her firmly locked in place.

"The diary is fake, Emily. It isn't real." Ali murmured. Her hand traveled up to cup the side of Emily's cheek. Her movement was tentative, as if she was afraid that Emily would pull away.

_It's fake? Oh, God. I can't do this…this is too much. What is happening? How can it be fake? _Emily felt the tears start to spill from her eyes. She shuddered as Alison wiped them tenderly away with her thumb. She held Emily's face dearly, and Emily felt a rush of emotion shoot through her body. _She's so close…_

"When you open this…" She started. Ali didn't break eye contact with Emily while she spoke, she didn't look down at the snow globe, she just stared straight into Emily's eyes as if what she was saying was the most important thing in the world. "It'll give you something that will let you _see_ my real feelings. Use it on the blank pages in the diary." Ali sighed deeply. She gave Emily a tender look. Emily leaned her face into Alison's palm and closed her eyes, feeling her body warm under Alison's touch. She tried to keep her breathing even. _God…I should pull away. I can't. Why can't I pull away? I want her to keep touching me…I want more. _

"God knows what you'll think of me after you read it…but it's a chance I need to take. I thought you'd seen, already. I thought you knew." Ali continued.

"Knew what?" Emily breathed. She could feel herself falling, and falling fast. Her resolve was beginning to slip, and Alison's hand on her cheek was making it hard to focus.

"I have to go." Ali said quietly.

Emily's eyes fluttered open. "No." She said automatically. _Not yet. We haven't had enough time…oh god, it's not enough..._

"I have to. I was wrong to come here and just assume…" Ali trailed off. "I should have known better. Not everyone likes games as much as I used to. I thought the snow globe was a good idea...but I was wrong. I was _so _wrong. I had no idea that you wouldn't open it. I swear, Em. I thought you would." She removed her hand from Emily's face, and Emily gasped at the loss of contact. Ali backed up quickly towards the window. Emily's eyes widened as she registered the fact that Ali was about to leave. Emily could see that she, too, had tears in her eyes.

"Ali don't leave…please." Emily pleaded.

_Don't leave me here like this. Please stay. I have so much more I want to say to you. God, I dealt with this all wrong…_

"It's not fair if I stay. I want you to know the truth, first. I want you to know that I'm not the person you think I am." She smiled sadly. "You were right. I did play games with you."

Emily's eyes widened.

"I want you to know why." Ali stated. She moved back towards the window, and reached out to hold herself steady, as she went to climb out. Emily walked forward quickly. She stopped just in front of Alison, the snow globe in hand, not having a clue what to do.

"I don't want you to leave." Emily said, her voice breaking. _Don't. I can't lose you again. I can't. _

Ali smiled sweetly at Emily. "I'm here, Em. I want to see you again, if you still…if you still want to. I wasn't lying when I said I needed your help. Read the diary, and if you feel like you can trust me…then I'll meet you, again."

Emily frowned. "Ali…I don't understand any of this. Why can't you just tell me what's going on?"

"Because you shouldn't have to help someone you don't trust. You have every reason to be angry at me…and before I tell you what happened…I want you to _know me_, and not just the girl you remember. I'm not the girl who wrote that diary, Em." Ali took a deep breath. She looked completely exhausted, now.

"Alright. I'll read it." Emily said finally. _I'll see what she wants to show me. It's obviously important. What more could she have to say? She was pretty clear about how she felt about me in the diary…but if there's more…what am I missing?_

"Where can I find you? Where will you go when you leave?" Emily asked. She really, _really_ didn't want Ali to leave. She was afraid that if she did, she might not ever see her again.

_This is wrong. This whole conversation…this wasn't how it was supposed to go. _

"Around." Ali smiled. "I'll be around. I'll find you, I promise. Just…don't tell any one else…_please._ That's all I ask. I can only deal with so many questions at once…and I don't think I'm ready…for…"

"For what?" Emily asked.

Ali took a shaky breath. "God. I don't know. I just need to take things one step at a time. Starting with you." She said.

Emily paused. Every fibre of her being wanted to pull Alison back into her room…and into a tight embrace. _This is so hard. I can't watch her leave. _

"Ali…I don't want to lose my best friend again. If you leave me now…how do I know you'll come back?" Emily asked desperately.

Ali sighed. She closed her eyes for a second, and when she opened them again, they were full of sadness, and longing. "Because...we're _not_ friends, Emily." Ali said in a melancholy voice. Her eyes glinted. "We never were." She tilted her head affectionately, and gave the brunette a knowing half-smile, as if she was telling her a secret that she already knew.

Emily's heart jumped inside her chest, and she knew what Ali was trying to say. _We are much, much more than just friends._

Ali swung her legs out of the window, and disappeared from view. Emily was frozen to the spot. Her reaction was too slow, and by the time she had darted forward to the window, Ali was already running across the street. Emily rested both her hands on the windowsill, leaning her head out as far as she could. Alison stopped at the tree line, and turned to give Emily one last, long look. Their eyes met across the distance, and Emily felt her heart wrench insider her chest. Ali turned, then, and Emily watched as her silhouette disappeared into the shadows. She was gone.

Emily could feel the wind against her cheeks, and she shivered, feeling the cold tracks of her tears as they dried across her face. She pulled back from the window, and turned to take in the emptiness of her room. _She was here…and I let her go. I shouldn't have been so angry. I didn't ask any of the questions I wanted to ask. _She looked down at the object in her hands, and realised that now she had even _more _questions. _Secrets. So many secrets. I'm always on the outside, looking in. Her mind is an impenetrable force. I've never been able to read her. She can read my thoughts with only a glance…she looks at me as if my emotions are see through. Not tonight. She looked worried. She looked as though she had expected me to react differently. _Emily turned the snow globe over in her hands, admiring it's delicate beauty. _But she still knows me…she knows me oh so well. Is this my chance, now…to know her a little better? _Emily wondered.

_We're not friends, we never were. Is that true for her, too? She said the words…not me. God, am I a fool? Is this a game? I need to know the truth. She's right. How can I help someone I can't trust? I need to know what she wanted me to see. I have to. I want to know her…the same way she knows me. _

Emily clasped the bottom of the snow globe with shaky hands, and twisted firmly to the left. At first, nothing happened, but after a couple of seconds, she heard a faint click. She remembered Ali's instructions. _Then push down. _She did so, and was surprised to see that the bottom of the snow globe dipped inwards slightly, and then came away in her hand.

_The underside comes off. It's hollow, inside. _Emily realised. She looked closer with inquisitive eyes, and slowly removed the bottom panel. As she did so, something small fell out of the secret compartment, and clattered to the floor.

Emily frowned, and leaned down to pick it up. As she did so, something else fell out of the snow globe. She grabbed it quickly before it fell on the floor, too. She held both items in her hand and stared at them with a puzzled expression. She picked up the first, which was a tiny white pen. Along the side in black writing, were the words: _got a secret? Now you can keep it!_

_What on earth is this? Emily couldn't figure it out. She had no idea why Ali would possibly want to give her a pen to look after, and she set it down on the bed as she inspected the second object._

It was a small, smooth stick, about the size of a USB. She turned it over in her hands, trying to figure out what it could be. She brought it up to her face, and noticed that there was something written in small letters along the side. She squinted as she tried to make out the letters in the darkness. They looked like a slogan of some sort. _UVL? What's that? _She wondered, trying to work out what it stood for.

Suddenly, Emily stepped back in shock. Her eyes darted from the pen, to the black stick. _It's not just a pen…it's invisible ink._

Then, her eyes flickered towards the diary, and she figured out exactly what the black stick was for. _Oh my god, Ali…oh my god. _

_It's an ultraviolet light…_

**(Really long) Authors Note: well! I hope you liked it! I'm quite nervous because I know you guys have waited ages for them to be reunited. I know Emily is a little angry at the moment, but really, I think she has a right to be. It's okay when you're in Alison's head knowing exactly what she's thinking but I wanted to show the scene from Emily's side to try and get across just how confusing Alison can be. To us, Ali makes sense, but for emily…it's a lot harder, because she knows nothing. She's finally got the key to the diary though! Yay! I know I manipulated the bedroom scene and went off canon but this whole story is off canon at this point and so I tried to make the scene fit into the story as I really wanted to include it. Emily is so angry in that scene in the show and I wanted to give her a good reason. Ali's diary isn't nice by any means and so I wanted it to be central to Alison's feelings in this story, and central to their trust for one another. Ahh! Nervous! I hope you guys didn't hate it! I always get scared when I write scenes from the actual show because I know how people are attached to them! **

**This last chapter is slightly slower paced than the few that came before it. We had a lot of block paragraphs with feelings and emotions etc lately and this chapter focused on more of the conversational side of things. I thought it was Important to mix things up, though. We had a lot of time jumps lately and so now this particular part of the story is grounded to just a few scenes, involving lots of dialogue. I felt like it was Important to have the characters in once place, actually talking to each other, as we have heard a lot of their inner thoughts lately and it's time they said some of it out loud! **

**Next up we have the Infamous warehouse scene! That's coming shortly! Is there anything you guys want included, because you know I always listen to you guys! Lots of emison coming up! I hope you're liking the feistier side of emily, or do you prefer her how she was before? I'd also like to know if you want any particular scenes from Alison POV or have you guys had enough of her after those long disappearance chapters lol? Please let me know if you're still enjoying the story and if you're not getting bored! Your reviews have meant the world to me, really. you've all been so so kind! Thank you from the bottom of my heart! Love you all! My Twitter is hauntedtwilight xx**


	28. Trust Issues

**Authors Note: HEY! Sorry guys I know it was a little longer between updates this time but the reason was because I had the WORST cold ever! It literally took a week to get over it I was so dosed up on cold medicine that anything I was writing was coming out as: "Emily said hi Alison." "Alison said hi emily." And that was about as complex as my mind would function lol! So I hope this chapter is still enjoyable for you guys I literally wrote the entire thing while I was sick so I hope you all still enjoy it and I hope it's not boring or too talky! I'm quite worried you guys won't like it because I literally couldn't even function properly while I was writing lol! **

**By the way thanks so much for your kind reviews it's so nice to see the same names appearing, you're all like friends now to me! I'm so glad you're all still following the story it means a lot to me that you are and that you still care! You're all awesome! And it's been amazing to see so many new readers too! Hi to all of you and thank you for the lovely things you've said! **

**I'm so glad emily has the key to that damn diary finally! The ink was literally only in the story because of that scene in the show and even though it took ages to get there in the story, it felt great to finally be able to write it. It was the only reason I Included Alison's diary at all in this fic and as the diary has become so important to the story, it was great to finally allow emily to finally have Alison's thoughts in her actual hand. Ali is such an enigma to her, and to have her thoughts is a great gift for Ali to give. It's probably the most valuable and guarded thing she owns.**

**To .liars: I'm so glad you liked that line! It was my favourite line too and one that was added in right at the end during the last edit. I'm so glad someone else picked it up because I really felt a connection to it and it's so awesome to know that you did too! :)**

**This next chapter gets into the tension between the characters a little more. There's an appearance from a certain someone you guys have been missing lol and there's also the warehouse scene. I hope you guys like how it's slightly different! Please let me know hehe! I always get a bit nervous when I write scenes from the actual show, especially if I'm sick while I write them! I know a couple people wanted the Spencer drama amped up a bit and you'll definitely get that in this chapter. This story is far from over! There's a lot more to say! Anyway, I really hope you enjoy it, I know you've waited a little while….here it is…**

It's strange…you think you know a person…you think you know them _intimately_, inside and out…and then one day you realise…you never really knew them at all. Something happens, and it all just clicks. You realise that everything you thought you knew, was false. You can look someone in the eyes day after day but you never really _know _them. You think you do…but every person has their own secrets, and some run so deep that they make the person you thought you knew, into a stranger.

**EMILY FIELDS - PRESENT DAY**

It was seven o'clock in the morning, and Emily was trying _desperately_ to stop herself from falling asleep. She'd been up all night talking with Alison, and she was trying incredibly hard to stay awake and read the diary that the blonde had left her. She was exhausted, though. Her eyes literally _burned_ from the strain of trying to keep them open. For one thing, Ali hadn't left her house until almost five in the morning, and she had spent the remainder of the night trying to wrap her head around the first couple of entries in the little blue book. It had taken her almost two hours to take it all in. She had read it over and over again, trying to contemplate _why _on Earth Ali would want her to read it. It didn't seem all that important. The first entry with the invisible ink seemed to be just a few paragraphs about an old book they had had to read a few years ago in English class. Ali had gone on and on in the little white pen about how she absolutely _adored_ it, and would read it in secret in her room. Emily found this strange, because she could distinctly remember Alison _hating _the book, and had insisted on copying Emily's notes for their test on it. Ali had obviously read the book _herself _at some point, though, and Emily couldn't understand _why _she would have wanted to keep it a secret. But, Ali had said that the diary was a place in which she put her _real_ thoughts…and so, Emily read on.

It took a while to get through each entry. For one thing, sometimes they were hidden directly underneath the messy scrawl of the blue pen, which was much to Emily's inconvenience. It made the letters underneath all the more difficult to make out. In other cases, there were entire blank pages dedicated to the tiny invisible lettering. With every turn of the page, you just never knew what you were going to get. Emily had to scrutinise every individual page as thoroughly as she could to see what secrets were hiding beneath the fake entries. So far, those secrets had all been involving how smart Alison thought she was, and about how she would hide it from everyone else.

Holding the pen over each individual word was taxing, and it took a while for the brunette to get the hang of it. The invisible ink was designed so that you had to hold the pen _directly _over the top of it, or it remained invisible; and in Emily's already half-asleep state, it was taking some time to get through it all. Alison liked to write…and she wrote a _lot._

By the time it got to seven in the morning, Emily was almost passing out. The sun had long come up, illuminating the room in harsh daylight. She could feel her eyes straining to read each word, and she could feel her brain having trouble processing it all into sentences. She hadn't got to anything in the diary about _her _yet, or anything that might explain why Ali disappeared, and she knew she would have to put it down soon, and go to sleep. She could hear her mother moving about on the landing, getting ready for work. Emily wanted nothing more than to stay awake, and read the diary, but she knew she couldn't. Her eyes were dimming, and she knew that if she didn't stop and rest, she would probably end up missing something…and Emily didn't want to miss a _single_ word.

She didn't intend for it to happen, but it did. Eventually…sometime around reading about Alison's avid love for History; and her apparent hatred for eyeshadow, Emily fell asleep. Both of these facts were also things she didn't know, and she was beginning to create a list in her head called: _Alison's two-faced lies. _As far as she was concerned, Ali _loved _eyeshadow. She could distinctly recall an entire evening at Spencer's house where Alison had sat around with the girls, explaining in detail all about how one should apply it properly. She had pretty much insinuated that Aria looked like a panda, and had forced her to remove her makeup so that she could show her how to do it properly. As for History…Emily had no clue how Ali would even know who the current President was. She acted _that _clueless around academics of any kind. _Why _would she keep it a secret? The whole thing made Emily's head hurt.

Emily hadn't realised she had drifted off, until a loud beeping sounded out right next to her head, jolting her awake. When she opened her eyes, she found the diary, the pen, and the UV light all smushed under her face in a hot sweaty mess. Emily pushed the hair out of her face. She blinked through a haze of sleep as her eyes tried to focus on the room in front of her. She cringed at the invasive noise as the loud beeping continued, and she quickly realised that her phone was going off. _Oh god…what time is it? What the hell? _

Emily at up on the bed groggily, and yawned. She fumbled around for her phone, trying to find it as she willed her brain to wake up. She couldn't see it at first, but she followed the loud noise of her ringtone until she traced the source back to the the pillow at the head of the bed. She lifted it up, and saw that her phone lay underneath, flashing obnoxiously. Emily scowled at it. _Who the hell is calling me this early? _ She thought, as she held the flashing, beeping object up to her face. _Oh. Shit. _She noticed that the time on the screen read: 2.27pm.

_Fuck. Was I asleep that long? Really?_ The phone suddenly stopped ringing, and it was then that Emily noticed the messages on the screen. _Thirteen missed calls from Spencer. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck._

Emily knew exactly what this meant. Her heart jolted in panic. She was about to call Spencer back, but as soon as her fingers went to unlock the screen; the phone started ringing again.

"Hello?" Emily answered quickly. She didn't even need to check who was calling. _It'll be her again. She doesn't give up._

"Emily! Where the hell have you been?" Spencer asked irritably.

"I'm…sorry. I fell asleep." Emily answered guiltily.

Emily knew what Spencer was calling her for. She had agreed that she would give it three days for Ali to contact them, and if she didn't, then she would allow the girls to go to the police and inform them that Alison was alive.

"It's the third day, Em. Times up." Spencer stated sharply.

"Well _good morning _to you, too." Emily responded with sarcasm.

"It's the middle of the afternoon, Emily. Not the morning. You really expect me to believe you've been asleep all this time? I know what you're doing. Ignoring my calls is _not _going to stop this from happening. I didn't want to go without you, but you're almost giving me no choice. We had an agreement." She barked.

"It doesn't matter now." Emily said quickly. She glanced down at the diary on the bed. _Because she's back. I knew she'd come back…_

"What do you mean it doesn't matter? Yes it does." Spencer said. "Em, we have to go to…"

"No." Emily interrupted before Spencer could finish. "No police. She's back. She came back. She came to see me last night." Emily said with a huge grin on her face. _I knew she would. I always knew she wouldn't leave again. _

"_What!" _Spencer exclaimed in shock.

"Yeah! She came _back_, Spence." Emily repeated. She knew that the tone of her voice implied a certain degree of '_I told you so'_, but she didn't care.

"When?" Spencer asked, ignoring Emily's smug tone.

"Last night. She came to see me. She's back. We don't need to tell anybody." Emily stated. She looked down at the diary in front of her, and couldn't wait to get Spencer off the phone so that she could continue reading it.

"Well…what did she say?" Spencer said impatiently.

"She said…" Emily started, but she trailed off. _Shit. What do I say? I can't tell her about the diary. Alison didn't actually tell me anything about the disappearance. I was too busy being angry to ask properly. Shit. _

"Well…" Spencer said.

"Well…she said…she just said…that she missed me." Emily faltered. She didn't have a clue how to explain the events of the night to Spencer.

"She missed you? That's it?" Spencer said in disbelief. "Em, what's going on? You're telling me she came to see you and that's all she said?"

Emily stayed quiet, trying to think of something to say that didn't make the whole thing sound as if she was making it up.

"Are you lying to me? Was she really even there?" Spencer said suspiciously.

"I'm not lying!" Emily said irritably. "She _was _here. Look, it was late…and she wants me to meet up with her again. So can you please just wait with this whole _police _thing?" Emily pleaded.

_Please, Spencer. Please, just once…please listen._

"_Where_ does she want to meet you? And when?" Spencer asked. She sounded like she wasn't buying it at all.

_I don't, know. Shit. I don't know._

"I…listen…it's…" Emily started. "I don't know yet, okay. I just need a little time to figure it out." She admitted.

"What? Emily this is getting on my nerves. I gave her three days to contact us and now you're saying she _has..._but you can't tell me what she said, and you don't know where you're supposed to meet her?" Spencer said angrily.

"I'll figure it out, I will. She just…she just wants to talk." Emily said defensively.

"About what?" Spencer questioned. "What were you two discussing last night? I'm sure you spoke more than just a couple of sentences." She added.

Emily glanced back down at the diary in front of her. She ran her finger absently along the blue spine of the book.

_We're not friends…we never were._

"It's…it's private." Emily muttered.

"_Private!_ Oh, so now you're keeping secrets! Great. Two seconds alone with her and you forget where your loyalties lie. That's just wonderful."

"I'm not! God, would you drop it! Can't you just trust me? I know what I'm doing." Emily snapped.

"That's the thing…I don't know if I _do _trust you with her." Spencer said.

Emily was taken aback. "What's that supposed to mean?" She asked in an accusatory tone. _She can't trust me? That's so unfair._

Spencer sighed. When she spoke again, her voice was softer. _"_Nothing Em…look, it's just…we both know how manipulative Alison can be. We _still _don't know why she came back, _or _what happened to her, and if this is all just another one of her games…then I don't want her pulling you into it. If she needs help then _fine. _But it better be for _genuine_ help. She doesn't want us telling anyone she's back, but we still don't know her motives for that. If this turns out to be something to do with a guy…or with money…or, God…I don't know…" Spencer trailed off absently.

"It's not. It's something else. I don't know what it is yet…but I'll find out. I just need to speak to her again. Last night was…intense. It just wasn't the right time to ask, okay. I promise, next time I'll get it out of her." Emily stated. _Please, Spence. Just let me deal with it._

"I don't know…I still think this is a bad idea." Spencer said doubtfully.

"Spencer, _please. _Just trust me. Just let me work this out." Emily said firmly.

"I just…I know how much you missed her, that's all. Whatever's going on…I don't want her using that." She sighed. "Or using you." She added.

_She's not. She wouldn't. I don't think. _

"I know what I'm doing." Emily said with as much resolve as she could. _I have no clue what I'm doing…but I have to try and figure this out. "_Just let me find her on my own. I don't want to overwhelm her with people right away. She trusts me. Just let her come to me. I'll find out what's going on. Whatever has happened to her…she just….she just needs some space. Let me deal with this, _please. _Promise me you'll let me do what I need to do." Emily pleaded.

Spencer stayed silent on the other side of the phone. Emily waited anxiously for her response. After a moment, she heard a sigh, and Emily pressed the phone harder to her ear, waiting to hear what Spencer would say.

"Fine." Spencer said sharply, and Emily closed her eyes in relief. _Thank god. _

"_Thank you." _Emily said sincerely.

"But just so you know…" Spencer added. "I don't trust her. This whole thing seems off to me."

"I get that." Emily replied. And she _did. _She knew that the other girls were having a harder time taking it all in than she was, but they just didn't _know _Alison. Not like she did. Emily's eyes flickered over to the diary again. _Maybe I don't know her as well as I thought I did, either. But I will. _

"Promise me you'll keep me updated?" Spencer asked.

"I promise." Emily said.

"I'll talk you you later, then." Spencer said. She sounded apprehensive.

"Okay. I'll call you." Emily answered. She heard the phone go dead, and realised that Spencer had hung up.

Emily placed the phone down on the bed, and sighed. She ran her hands through her tangled brown hair, and took a deep breath. _God, this is such a mess. _She thought.

About half an hour later, after a long shower, Emily sat back on her bed feeling much more awake. She crossed her legs as she sat on the messy bed covers.

Emily picked up Alison's diary, and turned it over in her hands. _Such a small little book. _She thought. _Ali looked at it as if seeing me with it was the best, and worst thing that could have happened. She thought I'd have figured it all out by now. Or did she? When she first picked it up, she looked shocked. What is in here that she's so afraid of? Is it the real entries…or the fake ones? _Emily was about to pick up the UV pen, and start reading again, when a slight breeze made the skin on her arms prickle. She shivered. She glanced over towards the window, and realised that she _still _hadn't shut it. She walked barefoot across the carpet, and went to pull the heavy window down, when she noticed something across the street. She jumped back in shock, almost tripping over. She peered closer to get a better look. There, stood opposite her house, just off the road, was a girl in a red coat. She was facing away, in the opposite direction, and Emily couldn't see her face. She didn't need to, though. She knew who it was.

_Alison! Fuck! She's back._

Emily bolted down the stairs as fast as her legs would take her. She threw open the door, and raced across the street, not caring if her bare feet would get hurt on the harsh pavement. She jogged across the road towards the figure dressed in red. Just like she had in the graveyard, Ali stood with her back to her. Emily came to a breathless stop just in front of where she stood waiting.

"Alison!" Emily exclaimed in surprise, and excitement. Emily was about to reach out and touch her shoulder, when the girl suddenly moved.

The figure turned, and as soon as they were face to face, Emily realised her mistake. The girl was slightly taller…slightly older, but she wore a familiar smirk that oddly, Emily felt she knew all too well.

"Sorry honey, wrong blonde." The girl said with an amused tilt of her head.

**ALISON DILAURENTIS – 9.52pm the previous night.**

_It's been two days. Two days of hiding. Oh, God. Grow up. I need to just go and speak to her. Fuck! I can't believe I ran away. I can't leave it much longer or they'll tell someone I'm alive. Well…Emily won't. But Spencer…she looked mad. Really though…who can blame her? I don't think Aria will say anything, I'm pretty sure she still thinks I'm a figment of her imagination. Hanna wouldn't, either. I don't think she'd want to upset Emily. God, she's my last hope._

_Since the night in the cemetery, everything has just been so confusing. I've been hiding again. I know that that wasn't the __point__ of me telling them I was alive. The point was to stop Emily from talking to my parents. Or…I guess…that's what I told myself at the time. I know the real truth is that I couldn't let it go on any longer. I just needed to see her…to speak to her…_

A loud bang interrupted Alison's writing, and her head darted darted towards the far wall of her basement. The light was dim, and she couldn't see a thing. She thought about calling out "_who's there?" _But really, she was smarter than that.

_Oh, who's there? Nobody! Just a serial killer with a giant hook for a hand, no biggie! Just tell them exactly where you are! _She thought sarcastically.

Instead of speaking, Ali decided to shuffle backwards, hiding herself against the shadows in the corner of the room. She had already been crouched there for most of the night, trying to piece together her thoughts on a piece of cardboard box she had ripped apart to use as paper. She listened for the noise again, but there was nothing. Ali sighed with relief. _Just my imagination. _She went to continue her anxious writing, but as she stared down at the ragged piece of cardboard, the noise echoed through the room again. Alison's heart raced. _Who the fuck is that! It sounds like it's in the room with me! What the fuck! _

Ali heard a rattle, almost like someone rolling a tin can across the floor. She frowned. _What the fuck is that noise? _She heard another bang, and then something clatter noisily to the floor. This time, she knew exactly what the sound was. She could actually _see_ where it was coming from. She peered through the darkness of the room at the little panel which led out to the garden. It was _moving._

_Shit. The side panel. Someone's breaking into the house through the basement! _Ali froze in shock. She picked up the first thing in front of her that she could see to use as a weapon. Her hands grasped an old, rotten piece of wood which had fallen onto the floor from a crumbling pile in the corner. For once, Ali was glad that her parents had so many unfinished projects in the garden. There was still a lot of leftover wood down in the basement from when they had built the shed. She heard the sound of shuffling and raised the plank above her head with trembling hands. She again resisted the urge to call out _who's there_, and moved with tentative steps towards the noise. _Don't run away. This is still your house. This is the only safe place you have left. Please be a raccoon…please be a very large raccoon. No! Not a raccoon! Please be a mouse! A tiny mouse! _

Alison heard a loud metallic bang as the side panel shifted away from the wall, and onto the floor. Ali hadn't been screwing it back on properly. She hadn't thought anybody would even dream of trying to get into the house through it. In fact, only two people knew of its existence: Her…and…

"Ali?" She heard a muffled voice say. The tone was distinctly feminine, and familiar.

Alison jumped back as a hand, followed by a pair of arms, twisted into view from the hole behind the fallen panel.

Ali dropped the plank immediately, and hurriedly stepped back a few paces in shock.

_Oh my god._

The girl stood up, and brushed the dirt off of her pink, expensive looking shirt. She looked down and scowled.

"Great. You couldn't have at least found a spare front door key? Idiot!" She chimed. She looked up at Ali's shocked expression and smiled affectionately.

"Hey, blondie."

Alison's mouth parted in shock. _Cece. Oh my god._

It had been so long since Alison had last seen her face, that the shock of seeing her now, prevented her from even speaking. The relief which rushed through her body at that moment was overwhelming, and without a second thought, she rushed forward, and wrapped both her arms around Cece's neck. She felt Cece laugh a little, and hug her back just as tightly.

"Oh my god." Her voice shook with emotion as she clutched at the back of Cece's shirt. _I'm not alone. I'm not alone, anymore. Oh, thank god. Fuck. Where did she come from? How is she here? Am I imagining this…_

Cece pulled her arms back and gripped Alison's shoulders so that she could get a better look at Alison. She took in her worn expression, and her ragged clothes. Her eyes raked over her disheveled appearance.

Ali blushed in embarrassment. She knew she looked a complete mess.

"I am _so _glad I found you." Cece said softly. She brought her hand up to Alison's cheek and held it there in a sisterly way. "Whatever happened…" She whispered, looking Ali dead in the eyes. "Whatever it was…it's over. Okay. I'm here." She said seriously.

Ali's eyes watered, and the tears fell as soon as Cece touched her cheek. She just couldn't hold it back. She let out a loud sob as the emotion raged fiercely inside her body. She didn't say anything, she just pulled herself back towards her friend, and allowed herself to cry. She didn't know if it was despair, or relief, but she just needed to let it out. Cece held on to her, holding her tightly in her arms until she had quietened down, and then sat her down on the ground. Ali crossed her legs and wiped the tears away from her eyes with the back of her sleeve. Cece sat next to her, eyeing her with a watchful, careful expression.

"You alright, honey?" Cece said kindly.

Ali nodded, but didn't speak. _I am now. _She looked Cece in the eyes longingly. "_Where_ did you come from?" She asked in a bewildered voice. _I can't believe she's really here._

"Outside, sweetie. A place I'm assuming you haven't spent much time…" Cece said knowingly. She looked around the room and Alison knew she was taking in the makeshift bed in the corner. It was made out of old sheets she had found in the leftover boxes. "I got home from Italy three hours ago. When I got back to the apartment, and you weren't there…I panicked. I can't believe you just _left! _I've been worried sick about you. Don't ever do that to me again!"

"I'm sorry…I know I should have contacted you. I just…everything's been…" Ali didn't know what to say. _Everything went so wrong._

"I knew you'd be here…" Cece said quietly.

"You did?" Ali asked meekly.

Cece sighed. She looked at Alison with a disapproving glare. "Yeah, well when you _weren't _at the apartment…I figured there were only a couple of other places you'd go. I checked _her_ house first…and then I thought I'd check here." She stated.

"Her house?" Ali asked, confused.

"Emily. I thought you'd go to Emily." Cece said in a matter-of-fact tone. "I didn't knock on her door or anything, I just looked in through the windows. When I didn't see you in there, I figured this was the only other place you would be. I remember when you used to sneak into your house through the basement when we used to party…before you figured out you could climb down the lattice. I knew you wouldn't be far from her, wherever you were. You never could stay away. To be honest, I'm surprised you aren't with her, now."

_I did go to her. I just ran away again. _Ali thought. _I found her at the memorial and I ran away. Because I don't know what the hell I'm doing._

Alison didn't answer her friend. She looked down at the floor of the basement sadly.

"Listen, Ali…" Cece started. Her voice was tentative, as if she wasn't sure how to articulate what she was trying to say. "When I went back to the apartment…and I found you gone…there was dried blood all over the floor." She said quietly. Ali's eyes snapped back towards Cece. She couldn't hold her gaze, though, and looked away guiltily.

"Ali…" Cece touched Alison's arm gently. "Why was there blood on the floor?" She asked again.

_Don't. Please, don't._

"Your Grandmother…how is she?" Ali murmured, trying to change the subject.

"Couldn't be more dead. Don't deflect. _Why_ was there blood all over the floor, Ali? You scared the _crap _out of me." Cece said firmly. Alison shrugged.

Cece stared intently at Alison, trying to decide if she should keep pushing, or just leave it be. She decided to push.

"Ali. Why are you here? _Why _didn't you stay in the apartment? What the _hell_ happened?" She asked.

"I just…I got lonely. I got scared. I just…needed to come home." Ali answered. She could tell by the look on Cece's face that she wasn't buying it. She knew the state she had left the apartment in. She had been in such a rush to get out, that she had left the blood from the cut on her leg all over the floor, and she knew that Cece had probably walked into what looked like a murder scene.

"Why didn't you call me? I knew I shouldn't have left you…" Cece trailed off. Her voice was full of regret.

"No. You had to go. Don't think that, please." Ali said quickly. _It's not her fault. None of this is her fault._

"Ali you need to tell me why there was blood on the floor." Cece ordered.

Alison looked away. "I cut myself." She said quietly. "By accident." She added. "I got freaked out…I thought I heard a noise…and I slipped…over." Ali knew that Cece would be able to tell she was lying. She always could.

"You expect me to believe that?" Cece said with a tilt of her eyebrow. "Come on. I want the truth."

_I can't give you the truth. Not yet. I don't want to talk about it._

"I just…can we not talk about it. It's done, I'm fine." Ali said firmly.

"You're _not _fine. How long have you been down here for, Ali? You look a complete mess." She stated bluntly.

"A while…" Ali trailed off.

"More than a while, I'd say." Cece muttered. "Ali…" She began. "Where exactly did you cut y—"

_No. No I can't talk about that._

Ali interrupted before Cece could finish.. "I've seen Emily. I mean…_really_ seen her. She knows I'm alive. They all do." She blurted out, knowing just what to say to steer Cece away from the subject of the blood.

"_What!" _Cece exclaimed loudly.

_Yeah, that did it. _Ali thought.

"Just for a second. I had to. I just…there was this memorial…" Ali trailed off.

"What? You mean that monstrosity of a fountain in the park? Yeah, I've seen it." Cece said.

"Yeah. Look…I've been here a while, you're right. I've been…following them around." Ali looked down shyly. "Listening…you know." Cece nodded. "I overheard Emily one night at Spencer's. She figured it out, Cece. She wanted to talk to my mom and dad about my disappearance. I thought they'd be at the memorial service and that she'd talk to them and I just…panicked." Ali explained.

"So you…what? Jumped out at them like Casper the friendly ghost?" Cece said sarcastically.

_Yeah…pretty much._

"Not exactly." Ali said dryly. "I went to the memorial. I saw them all there. My parents didn't show up. I was going to leave…but then…"

"Then what?" Cece asked.

"I just…I didn't leave. I know I should have. I know I should have been more careful. She either saw me…or I let her see me…I'm not sure which."

Ali was telling the truth. She really _didn't _know which. She knew that a part of her had been _hoping _to be seen. She just wanted it all over, and she didn't know if she had allowed herself to be found out, or if Emily had just pushed hard enough to break her resolve. Either way, she would have crumbled eventually. She just couldn't hold back, any more. One way or another, it would have happened.

"What did she say?" Cece asked.

"I didn't give her a chance. I didn't give any of them a chance." Ali breathed in deeply, and then exhaled, her eyes brimming with tears. "I just…I ran." She admitted. _I ran away again…like a coward._

"_Oh, God. _What a mess." Cece huffed.

"Tell me about it. I've been trying to get up the courage to go and speak to them again…but I just can't. I know I'm running out of time, too. Emily has managed to convince the others not to say anything. Spencer gave her three days for me to contact her again, or she'll go to the police." Ali stated.

"How do you know all this?" Cece frowned in confusion.

"I stalked. I listened. You know me." Ali muttered.

Cece gave her a look of disapproval. "You know perfectly well that no good comes from spying."

_Oh, I know._

"Yeah, well. I don't really have much of a choice. Tomorrow is the third day. I'm out of time." Ali said worriedly.

"Well what do you want to do? You can't leave it much longer." Cece said, her voice slightly alarmed. "If she goes to the police, Ali…it'll all be over. You'll have to deal with it all. Are you ready for that?"

_I don't know what I want._

"No. I don't know…" Ali looked around the room. _I can't stay here, forever. I can't keep running. _"That's what I've been trying to figure out for the past couple of days, I guess."

"Well what does your heart tell you?" Cece asked. Ali knew she wanted nothing more for the entire ordeal to be over, but she just wasn't sure if she was ready, yet. She didn't know if she could face the consequences. She brushed her hair behind her ear and looked at Cece sadly.

"If…if I come back…do you think they'll forgive me?" She said quietly. "Do you think _she _will forgive me?"

Cece sighed, and tilted her head affectionately at Alison. "Sweetie…I think that's a chance you're going to have to take. A _lot _has happened. It might take some time…but I'm sure things will be okay in the end. You just need to explain."

"I'm not so sure." Ali said quietly. _I'm not so sure that if I come back…there's anything to come back to. What if she just doesn't care, any more? What if there's nothing left for me here._

"Well you're going to have to talk to her at some point, Ali. You're going to have to speak to them _all. _You can't just show up...say: 'hello I'm alive' and then disappear again. There are consequences. You're going to have to face them. If you're telling me that you only have one day left…then you're going to have to make a decision pretty damn quickly about what you want to do." Cece asserted.

Ali chuckled darkly. "Yeah, and Spencer won't give me a _day _longer than she said she would. She'll be going to the police the second my time is up." Ali played with the frayed edge of her top. She picked at the fabric harshly, trying to take out her annoyance on something tangible. _She'll definitely go to the police. Fuck! Why couldn't Emily have asked for more time? Three days isn't enough..._

"Well, you have to see this from their side, Ali. They have no idea what happened to you. Last week you were dead to them. Can you imagine what they must be thinking?" Cece reasoned.

"I don't need to imagine. I'm Harriet the Spy, remember." Ali said without the slightest bit of humour to her tone. "I know _exactly _what they think of me." _Spencer thinks I'm the worst person in the world. Maybe I am…_

"Well you need to set it straight, Ali. If you want them on your side then hiding out here isn't the way to do it. You need to speak to them. I get it if you don't want to explain everything that happened…but at least buy yourself some more time." Cece observed.

"How?" Ali asked. But deep down, she knew exactly what she had to do. The fear of facing it was preventing her from vocalising it, though. _I have to talk to Emily. Oh, God._

Cece gave Ali a sympathetic look. "Sweetie…you know. You know what you need to do."

Ali looked at her friend with a glum expression. _I know I have to talk to her. I'm just afraid. Can't I put it off? _

"No, Ali. Don't look at me like that. You can't put this off. Don't even think about it. Enough is enough, don't you think?" Cece reasoned. "You've got to talk to one of them, and Emily is your best bet, don't you think?"

_God, she's a mind reader. Fuck! Why couldn't she have been here. Why did her stupid God damned grandmother have to go and get sick! _Ali knew she was being slightly mean, but sometimes the bitchy side of her personality crept out of hiding, and into her thoughts. She was continually having to push her mean comments back inside her brain. It was a battle she had been fighting for the past two years, and so far, she was winning. Every now and again, though, Alison's bitch switch would flick back on, and she would find herself thinking something awful. _Stop it. Her poor grandmother. _

"I know I can't put it off." Ali admitted. _I have to do something. I'm almost out of time._

Cece sighed, and glanced around the dark room with distaste. "Well whatever you do…I think it's about time you got out of here, don't you?" She asked.

Ali chuckled sarcastically. "And go where? This is the only place I have left. I've literally run out of money…" _Your money. It's not even mine. God._

"Ali I have money, okay. And I could have sent you some if you'd, you know…picked up the phone and _called me." _Cece pointed out.

"Cece you've done enough for me. I can't ask any more of you." Ali said with appreciation.

"Well...it's a good thing you don't have to ask then, isn't it!" Cece chirped with a smile. She stood up suddenly, grabbing Alison's hands in her own and raising her to her feet. Ali gave her a look of confusion.

"I'll rent us a room at a hotel for a few days, okay. From the sounds of it…whatever's going to happen is going to happen pretty soon. Your friend Spencer…any chance she's bluffing?" Cece asked, putting her hands on her hips.

_Spencer doesn't bluff. She doesn't need to lie to win, like me. _

"Not a chance in hell. She'll go to the police. Trust me. If I don't make contact soon, then it's over." Ali said anxiously. _I'm almost out of time..._

"You sure you don't want it to just be over?" Cece asked tentatively.

Ali didn't know what she wanted. On one hand, she _did _want everything out in the open. She was tired of running, and hiding, and always watching in the shadows. Being back in Rosewood was like a drug…it had pulled her back in. It was easier to want to stay away when you were on the outside, looking in. Being surrounded by all the familiar things that she had left behind, just made Ali miss her old life even _more_ than she ever thought she could. And then there was _her. _Missing Emily was torture. Every part of her ached to make contact. On the other hand, if she decided to come clean to the police about her disappearance, then she knew she would have to face the consequences. There was a huge chance that nobody would believe her story. After all, she was Alison DiLaurentis, and she was a well known deceiver. She wasn't even sure she _could _explain what had happened, let alone try. She was absolutely terrified.

"I want it over." Ali said with determination. "But…I need to know something, first."

"What?" Cece cocked her head at Alison in confusion.

"I need to know if she'll be there for me…if I come back. I _need _to know if she still cares…or if she hates me." Ali said quietly. _God. I need to know. I need her to be there. I can't do this without her._

"Nobody could hate you, kid." Cece said kindly.

_Oh yes they could._

"Yeah, well I've given her plenty of reasons to. Trust me, I'll be lucky if she ever speaks to me again." Ali murmured sadly.

"From what you told me about her…then…I think she's the type of person who would forgive you, Ali. And you _are _worth forgiving." Cece said gently.

Ali smiled sadly. _We'll see. _

"What do you want to do?" Cece asked. "Because you and I both know that talking about it for hours on end isn't going to solve anything. Do you want to go and talk to her?"

_Yes_

Ali looked down at her clothes with distain. _I look awful. I can't show up like this. If I'm going to see her again, it's got to be right. _She tried to tell herself that she just wanted to look presentable, but _really _she knew that it was about pride. Before she had disappeared, she had always been the most immaculately dressed person, with not a hair out of place.

When Ali looked in the mirror now, she didn't recognise herself. She hated her appearance so much that she had stopped looking, in fact. The house had running water, and a shower that still worked, but Ali still didn't look like her old self. She knew that deep down, she wanted to look good when she saw Emily. She didn't want to look a _mess. _It might seem pathetic, and the least of her priorities considering all the things going on in her life at that moment, but it was true all the same. She wanted to look _pretty_ when she saw Emily again. And she wanted Emily to think she looked pretty, too. Call it human nature, or just part of Alison's vanity…but she wanted Emily to see her as she had been before she disappeared. Maybe a part of her thought it would make Emily more likely to forgive her, and maybe that was a tad manipulative…she didn't know. She just knew that there was no way she would allow the brunette to see her in her current state.

Cece gave Alison an amused look. She rolled her eyes.

Alison frowned. "What?" She asked.

"You." Cece stated. "You wanna look good for the girl, don't you!" Cece laughed.

Ali folded her arms. _Busted. God, embarrassing! _

"Have you _seen_ my hair!" She pointed at her blonde hair like a spoilt child. "My split ends have split ends!" She whined.

"Come on. I'll get us a room somewhere and we'll get you cleaned up before you go, okay. You just need to sleep in a proper bed. We will deal with it tomorrow." Cece said with another roll of her eyes. She grabbed Alison's hand and pulled her towards the side panel so that they could leave the basement.

Ali didn't need to take anything with her when she left her old house. Having Cece back was all she needed in the entire world. Having her back, made Ali feel immediately safe again. She wasn't sure if Cece _gave _her courage…or if she just pulled what was already there out of her…but Ali always felt braver with Cece around. She knew that the questions weren't over yet, though. She had a lot of explaining to do, and she knew that Cece was just giving her some time to get over the nights events before she pushed further with her interrogation. For now, though...Ali was just grateful to have her friend back.

Cece pulled Alison through the side panel and out into the garden.

"By the way, Ali…" Cece said as she made her way over to her rented car.

"Yeah?" Ali answered.

"Where the _fuck _is my car?" Cece asked.

**PRESENT DAY – EMILY FIELDS.**

_So this is her. This is that girl in the diary. The 'best friend.'_

Emily glanced sideways at the blonde girl currently sitting at her kitchen table. _Cece Drake._ She poured out two cups of coffee; one for her, and one for the girl. She was careful not to spill any of the hot liquid on her hand as she tried to take in the girls appearance without her noticing she was looking.

"You need some help with that, honey?" Cece's cheery voice broke the awkward silence, startling Emily.

"No…it's okay." Emily answered. "Thanks…" She placed the cup in front of the blonde girl and sat at the seat next to her. She just _couldn't _stop looking at her. The girl looked so much like Alison, that she could have been her sister. Even the way she spoke, and her mannerisms, were eerily the same.

"So…you're Cece Drake." Emily reconfirmed. The girl had told her her name already when she had seen her outside her house, but Emily was having a little trouble processing what was going on. Emily observed that Cece was wearing the red coat Alison had been wearing in the cemetery, and this coincidence wasn't lost on Emily.

_Why is she here? She's wearing Ali's coat…she must have seen her recently. There's no way she's randomly got the same coat. Then again…even their lipgloss looks the same…so who knows…_

"That's my name, don't wear it out…or I'll make you buy me a new one." Cece said dryly. Emily couldn't tell if she was joking or not. She wasn't good around people that were hard to read…and this girl was just…_odd._ Cece seemed to notice her discomfort, and Emily was sure she saw a slight smirk cross the blondes lips.

"_So…_outside…" Emily started. "You said you had something to tell me. So…"

Emily was nervous. When she had spoken to Cece outside, the first thing she had asked after telling her she had the wrong blonde, was if she could come inside and talk to Emily. The brunette had been polite, and invited her inside, if only out of intrigue. The girl was unnerving, though. She was almost as hard to read as Alison, and the resemblance between them both was just _strange. _Emily had no idea what this girl could possibly want to tell her, but she hoped she would just come out and say it, already.

"Look. I'm not going to bullshit you, okay." Cece said bluntly.

Emily was slightly taken aback. "Okay…"

"I'm here because we have a friend in common." Cece stated. She took a sip from her coffee, and looked up at Emily with a scrutinising gaze from the rim of the mug.

"And that person is?" Emily asked.

"Don't bullshit me, and I won't bullshit you." Cece said. "You know who it is."

_Even so…if there's the slightest chance that you don't know she's alive…then I'm still not breaking my promise. I told her I wouldn't tell._

"Enlighten me." Emily said frostily. She was getting increasingly irritated by the blonde.

Cece laughed. "I can see why she likes you. You're loyal." Her face softened, and Emily gave her a startled look.

"What?" She asked. _Why who likes me? You're going to have to say it, because I'm not admitting that I've seen her. Not to you._

"Oh come on, Americano, you know who!" Cece smirked. Emily had the feeling that Cece was _trying _to get her to say it out loud, like it was a game.

"Nope. No idea." Emily said coldly. _I'm not saying her name first. I won't. _She thought.

The blondes gaze locked into hers in a silent challenge.

_Look all you want, Barbie. I'm not admitting it. God, who the hell is this girl? Where did she even come from? _

Emily sighed impatiently. "I don't have time for this. I'm really tired. I didn't sleep well last night and—"

"Yeah, well you know what they say…once you start a good book, it's hard to put it down." Cece tilted her eyebrow, and left the bait there for Emily to take.

_What? Is she talking about the diary? How does she know about that? What the fuck? This girl is so annoying! _

Emily kept silent, but her mind was racing. Cece stared her down. She gave Emily a look that said: _gotcha_, and Emily knew her face must have been a picture. She tried hard not to react.

"What do you mean? Emily asked angrily, finally cracking. "What are you talking about? How the fuck…"

"Oh!" Cece interrupted with a giggle. "I _really _like you! You're hilarious! I think it's cute how defensive you are! Alison was right, you _are_ trustworthy."

Emily stared blankly. _What? So she does know Ali! What the hell?_

"I'm only joking with you, sweetie. I just wanted to see what kind of person you were, that's all. I gotta look out for my girl, you know how it is! Don't take it personally!" She smiled warmly at Emily, as if she was her best friend.

Emily scowled. "You were playing with me?" She asked irritably. _I gotta look out for my girl. How annoying._

"I was testing you. Congratulations, you passed." Cece said with a amused grin.

Emily was pissed off. "Well _yay _me!" She said sarcastically. "Now, you wanna tell me what the hell you're doing here? Or did you just come here to piss me off, because I honestly don't—"

"Oh hush, kid." Cece interrupted. "Don't get so mad! You'll thank me in a minute, I _promise!" _She chimed.

Emily was slightly startled. She couldn't help but be reminded of Alison _every _time Cece spoke. It was a little jarring.

"What do you mean I'll thank you?" Emily asked. _What does she want? She's not here on a whim. She looks like the kind of person who wants something..._

Cece set her mug of coffee down. She looked down at it, as if contemplating how to say what she wanted to say. She glanced back up at Emily and gave her a wistful look. "She came to see you last night, didn't she."

Emily was startled at first by the statement, but she nodded slowly. There was no use pretending she didn't know what was going on, any more. It was clear that they were both on the same page.

"I told her to wait until the morning…but she never was good at doing what she's told." Cece smiled warmly. Her voice spoke of Alison like a dear sister, and Emily was slightly taken aback.

_Doing what she's told…_

"Wait? You know where she is!" Emily suddenly realised. "What do you mean _doing as she's told? _She's _staying_ with you?" She asked, her voice raising in alarm.

"_Shh!" _Cece said quickly, her finger going to her lips as she glanced around the empty kitchen. Her eyes moved to the window, and she looked outside, as if checking for passers by.

"It's okay. I'm pretty sure nobody's listening." Emily said sarcastically.

"You never know which walls have ears in this town." Cece said darkly.

Emily was getting impatient. "Listen…how do you know she was here last night? Have you seen her? _Please, _you have to tell me…I need to speak to her." Emily pleaded.

"Hold on, hot stuff. Just calm down, okay. We'll get to that, but I need to discuss something with you first." Cece warned.

"I wanna know where she is. Now." Emily ordered with a glare. _If this girl knows where Alison is then she better tell me or I swear to God!_

"She's safe. That's all you need to know." Cece stated.

"All I need to know? What gives you the right to decide that? She's my best friend…and I don't even know you. How do you expect me to trust a word you say?" Emily questioned.

"Look, hun." Cece said in a patronising voice. "I don't really _care_ if you trust me, okay. But I do need you to listen. Can you do that for me?"

_This girl is so irritating! She's like a more confusing version of Alison! I don't even know if she's telling me the truth._

Emily sighed. "Fine. I'll listen." She huffed. "But if you really _are _talking to Alison…then prove it." She challenged. _I'm not being played for a fool. I need to know if she's genuine._

Cece was quiet for a moment. She sized Emily up with her eyes. She leaned back against the chair, and shook her head slightly. "Ali said...she missed you the most…" She said suddenly, and Emily leaned forward in shock.

_Those words…I remember those words…_

"You were her favourite…" Cece continued in a calm, serious voice. "She told you once…that _nobody_ loved her as much as you…" Cece gave Emily a genuine smile. She knew that the brunette would remember the words.

_Oh my god. The barn. That's what she said to me outside the barn. _Emily thought, suddenly paying exquisite attention to everything the blonde was saying.

"She gave you a choice…to stay, or…to go with her." Cece said with a twinkle in her eyes.

Emily gasped. _I know. I know she did. Ali must have told her about that day. God, she does know Alison. She's spoken to her._

"Before she left…she kissed you." Cece smiled affectionately at Emily.

"She kissed me." Emily said too, finishing her sentence at the same time as Cece.

_She can't know about that kiss. Not unless Ali told her. She's genuine._

The blonde smiled. She knew she had proven herself to Emily, and she let the brunette take it all in.

_Oh, wow. She's telling the truth. She's seen Ali, she's been with her. Oh my god…_

"Where is she?" Emily breathed in shock. "Where is Ali?" _Tell me where she is. I need to see her. Please._

"She's safe. I'm sorry…but that's all I can tell you. You just have to trust me." Cece said.

_She's been with her this whole time? I can't believe this girl knows where she is and I have no idea!_

"How long have you known that she's alive?" Emily asked suddenly. _Please don't tell me it's been the whole time. _

"Since the beginning." Cece admitted. "Since the first day." She looked at Emily with sympathy.

"You've known this _whole time?_" Emily exclaimed in shock. _I can't believe Alison went to her…and not me. Why didn't she come to me? _

"Why did she…why did she come to you?" Emily stammered. She couldn't get her head around it. _Didn't she trust me? _

Cece didn't answer. She took a deep breath, and looked Emily straight in the eyes. "She wants to meet you, Emily. Tonight. But you _have _to go alone. Nobody else can know. Just you. She's not ready to see any one else yet. I know she came to see you yesterday…she told me. I know about the diary, too. I know what's in there. Honestly, I think it's a bad idea if you read it, if you ask me."

_I didn't ask you. She wants to meet me? What the hell is going on. _

Emily knew that Ali wanted to see her again, she had said so in her bedroom, but she didn't realise it would be so soon. Ali had left Emily the diary to read…and she hadn't even got through the first quarter of it yet. Emily couldn't understand what was going on.

"Why me? Why does she want to meet me alone?" Emily asked. _Why can't the other girls come too, this time? Why does it have to be a secret? What is she running from?_

Cece shrugged. "Guess you really were her favourite." She gave Emily a knowing look.

Emily was beginning to get a bad headache. She ran her fingers through her hair and exhaled heavily. "I can't deal with these cryptic messages, any more. I just want the truth. I want to know what happened." She frowned, and she knew her exhaustion was written all over her face.

"It's not my story to tell, kid. I'm just the messenger." Cece smiled.

_Of course! Of course there's no answers. There never is!_

"Where does she want me to meet her?" Emily asked in frustration. _I need to go. I need to see her again. I need to do it right, this time. Last night went so wrong…_

"I have the address. I'll drive you. You free tonight?" Cece asked.

"Yeah. Of course." Emily replied.

Cece gave Emily a warm look. "Good. I'll tell her." She got up from her seat, and set the mug of coffee down on the table. "I know this has been hard…" She started, but she didn't seem to be able to continue.

"It's…beyond hard. I can't imagine what she's been through. But we've _all _been through it too. She can trust me. I wish she had…before." Emily said sadly. _I wish I'd meant enough to her for her to have let me in on all this._

"Look, hun. Me finding out about all this…it was an accident, really. It was a 'right place, right time' kinda deal. I'll let her tell you the rest…it's not really my story to tell. But…I just want you to know…the whole time she was gone…she _never _stopped caring about you. You're the most important person in her entire world, Emily. I can promise you that." Cece said with a kind smile. Emily felt like her words were genuinely said…but she still couldn't quite believe them.

_I can't be that important to her. Clearly she didn't think she could come to me for help…_

"Then why do I feel like she doesn't trust me at all? She never asked for my help…" Emily trailed off. She looked down at her lap and sighed.

"Oh, hun. You need to speak to her. Trust me, there are reasons for what she did. Like I said, it's not my place to tell you, that's up to her. But before you judge too much…just…wait. Just hear her out. _Please. _She's been through something…awful." Cece's voice turned a shade quieter. "Something that _nobody_ should ever have to live through. She'll probably kill me for telling you this…but she's not as strong as she seems. You're the only thing that's kept her from breaking, Emily."

"Something awful…" Emily repeated. _God, Ali. What happened? Fuck._

"Yeah. And like I said…I'm not here to bullshit you. Whatever your friends say…whatever you _think _you know…you just need to forget it. Don't listen. Just talk to Alison. Let her tell you. It's the only way you'll be able to understand. She's in a weird place…she's not herself. In some ways, that's good. She's done a lot of changing. But in other ways…I'm not so sure. There are still things she won't even tell _me _about." Cece said, thinking of the dried blood which she had found on the floor of her apartment in Ravenswood. "There are things that I think…it's going to take someone a lot…_closer_ to her, to pull out of her." She said with a knowing look.

_Closer. _Emily blushed. _Just how much does this girl know about my relationship with Ali?_

"When you say…closer…" Emily murmured. "Just how close do you mean?"

"I think that's up to you two to figure out, don't you?" Cece smirked. "But you know what I mean. I just…I came here because I _know_ she needs to talk. She hasn't got enough time this time around to be waiting months to speak…"

_Months? When did she take months to speak? What is she talking about? _

"She didn't speak for months?" Emily asked, slightly shocked. Cece looked at her. Emily could tell that the blonde had realised she'd said too much.

"Listen. You'll know the full story soon, I _promise. _But for now…can you just not ask me any more questions. I can't answer them for her. She's the only one who is going to be able to tell you the whole truth, because I _know _there are still things that she hasn't told me. I can't tell you _why_, or how, or when…because I don't know myself. You _need _to talk face to face, and not at four o'clock in the morning, either!" Cece said dryly. "God, I don't know what that girl is thinking sometimes." She laughed to herself. "Who crawls through someone's window in the middle of the night? All she needed to do was ask me, and I would have brought her here today. She didn't need to sneak off…" Emily furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. Cece was clearly talking to _herself _now.

"Anyway…." Cece said quickly. "Sorry, it's just…that girl is something else, you know!"

Emily _did _know. Ali always did whatever the hell she wanted, precisely when the hell she wanted to. She always had.

"I know." Emily said with a smile.

"Well she might think she can do what she likes, but I can tell you one thing…she isn't thinking clearly. I know she told you about the diary, and like I said before…I know what's inside it. Not word for word, of course…but I know the gist. Listen, would you do one thing for me, please?" Cece asked.

Emily was bewildered. "What?"

"Don't read it." Cece stated.

_What the hell? Why?_

"_Why _not?" Emily said cautiously. _If she thinks telling me she knows what's in it and that I shouldn't read it is going to make me not want to…then she's very wrong. It just makes me want to know what's in it even more, now._

Cece sighed. "Look…I know I don't need to tell you this…but Ali is impulsive. She acts without thinking, and she says whatever she thinks, regardless of the consequences. She also…_writes _whatever she thinks, too. And some of it…isn't very nice. Now like I say, I haven't read it, so I don't know _exactly _what's in it, but I know Alison well enough to know that she won't have had a filter on her pen when she wrote that diary. Now…I know she ran over here last night and climbed through your window like some cheesy scene from a nineties movie…but she isn't thinking straight. She wrote that diary a _long_ time ago. You two haven't spoken in two years. She might have thought it was a good idea to have you read it before you two talk again, but I don't. She doesn't always know what's good for her. You need to see the person she is _now. _Not the person she used to be. Now, I don't know exactly what she wants you to read…but I can take a pretty good guess. I'm sure there are things in there that you'll _want_ to read, too. Things that you'll like…but I really don't think she was in the right frame of mind when she told you to read it. I can't take the chance that there'll be _other _things in there. Things you won't want to hear. Will you just hold off, please? Just come and see her tonight…talk to her face to face, again. You need to hear what she's been through, before you read that book, and end up judging her on words which were written long ago. Just see the person she is _now…_before you're reminded of who she was _then. _Please." Cece concluded.

_Wow, she really doesn't want me to read it. Has Ali really changed that much? What is in that diary? Things I'll want to read…things I'll like…_

"What are you afraid of?" Emily asked curiously.

Cece looked down at the brunette. "I'm afraid of Alison. I'm afraid of what she wrote. I don't want her to be alone. She _needs _you. She _really _needs you right now. I don't know what's in that diary, and I can't risk you…I just can't risk…" She trailed off.

_She can't risk me seeing something horrible, and not wanting to talk to Ali. She really wants to help her friend. Wow, Ali must really need someone right now. She's scared. She came here because Ali won't talk to her. She's worried that if I see something I don't want to see in that book, then Ali won't have anyone left. She's a good friend. She just wants Alison to open up to someone. She can't risk that chance being ruined if I read something that'll make me hate her. I could never hate her, though. Still…I remember how I felt when I read the first diary…I lost all faith in her then…_

"Okay." Emily said quietly. "I'll wait." _I'll do you this one favour, Ali. I'll come and meet you blind. I'll trust you one more time, and then I'm seeing who you really are. _She thought of the diary upstairs, and how much she ached to read it. _God, this is going to be hard._

Cece closed her eyes in relief. "Thank god." She breathed.

Emily smiled, and an awkward silence fell over the room.

"Well…I better go. I don't like to leave her alone for too long…" Cece muttered. She was terrified that she would get back to the apartment and find a pool of blood on the floor, and no Alison, again. Emily didn't know that, though.

All Emily saw when she looked at Cece, was another enigma. This girl had seen Ali…_really _seen her. She knew _way _more about what had happened to Alison than she did, and the way she spoke about Ali…it was as if she knew her inside and out. Emily had never met anyone quite like her before. She had a fierceness to her. Her eyes were an almost impenetrable fortress, and Emily had the feeling that this girl was in control at all times. If Ali was a panther…then this girl…this girl was a lioness.

As she walked Cece Drake to her front door, she had to fight the overwhelming urge to follow her. She wanted so desperately to see if the blonde would lead her to Ali, but she knew it was a bad idea. Cece was clearly worried sick about her. She wanted Ali to finally be able to open up, and Emily felt like this girl was using her as Alison's last resort. She wanted to read the diary Ali had left her, but if what Cece was saying was true, then it probably _wasn't _a good idea. To be honest, Emily didn't _want _to have any reason to dislike Ali again. Since their chat the night before, every part of her heart ached to have her back, and she didn't want anything compromising that feeling. She thought that if she could just hold on to it a little longer, then she would do so by any means possible. Even if that meant avoiding something she probably shouldn't avoid. The truth.

"So…what time, later?" Emily asked as Cece stepped out of her front door.

"Nine. I'll pick you up." Cece stated. "Just promise me you won't tell anybody where you're going, or who you're meeting. It's _got _to stay secret." She said forcefully.

"I won't. I swear." Emily promised.

Cece smiled, and turned to leave.

_I can't believe this actually happened. This girl is going to take me to Ali. I don't know why she came here…but I'm glad she did. Because of this girl, I get to see my best friend again. _

"Wait!" Emily said quickly. Cece turned around.

"Thank you." She said honestly.

Cece gave her a kittenish smirk. "Told you you'd thank me." She chirped. She gave Emily a sly wink, and sauntered off.

**FIVE HOURS LATER.**

Emily glanced nervously at the clock on her phone. It was about the fiftieth time she'd looked in the last twenty minutes, and she knew she was being obsessive. Looking at the little screen wasn't going to make the numbers tick by any quicker, but she wished it would all the same. It was a quarter to nine, and she stood in front of her mirror, being equally as obsessive over her appearance as she was the time. Emily smoothed her hair out, and then decided against it, ruffling her hair up again. _Shit. Why won't it go how I want it to go! Whenever I don't want it to look good it does, and whenever I try and make it perfect it fails! Why is this happening to me right now! _She ran her fingers through her dark hair, and tried to arrange it so that it looked nice.

Emily had changed her outfit fifteen times already. She knew it was because she was going to see _her_. There was no other way to justify so many clothes strewn about on the floor. She had wanted to look good…_perfect, _even. The last time she had seen Alison she had been half asleep. Her hair had been a mess and she had been completely disorientated. She hadn't had the slightest chance to prepare to see her; but now? Now she had had all day. Emily had never considered herself a vain person before, but after checking herself out in the mirror for the last couple of hours, she was a little concerned that her obsession with her looks was slipping into borderline insanity. _Stop. Just stop. Calm down, or you'll end up looking worse. Just deal with it! _

It took a while before she was finally pleased with her outfit, but she had got there in the end. She wore a black jacket over a white tank top, and a short black skirt with high heeled boots. Emily wasn't used to wearing heels at all, and she prayed that she wouldn't fall over. She knew that her outfit wasn't _exactly _practical for sneaking around in, but she didn't care. The skirt might have been a little too short, and she might not be able to walk in the heels, but it was worth it to look good. She glanced in the mirror one more time. _No. This jacket isn't right. It's not…dressy enough. _She thought, as she shrugged it off of her shoulders and hung it up. She glanced quickly through the collection of jackets in her wardrobe, and scowled. _Why does everything I own have to be so…casual? _Finally, after looking through her jackets for a few seconds, she finally found one that would fit her outfit _perfectly. _It was from Nordstrom, and possibly the most expensive thing she owned. It was grey, and _very _fitted, with leather sleeves. It had been a gift from her mother for Christmas the previous year, and Emily was yet to wear it. She didn't usually feel comfortable in expensive clothing, but this time… she made an exception.

Emily pulled the jacket tightly around her body, and checked out her reflection one last time. She grabbed her lipgloss, and carefully applied it to her lips. As she looked over her outfit in the mirror, she realised that this was possibly the most dressed up she had _ever _been in her life. She flicked her long hair over her shoulder, and was pleased to find that she actually felt _good _in what she was wearing. She wasn't the most confident of people usually, but putting on the outfit almost felt like a disguise. _No matter how hard this evening is…I hope I can manage to keep it together. If she sees me in this outfit…then maybe she'll think I've changed on the inside, too. Maybe she'll trust me now. Now that I'm dressed more like her. Maybe she'll like it, too. Maybe I can be more confident now…..maybe I'll be able to…_

A loud beep startled Emily. She jumped slightly and glanced over at the window. _A car horn. She's here. Fuck. _She grabbed her phone and slipped it into her jacket pocket as she darted from her bedroom down to the bottom of the stairs. She forgot she was wearing heels at first, and almost stumbled down the bottom step in her haste. She didn't bother to let her mom know where she was going. Her mother had been a bit more lenient on Emily lately. She knew it was a difficult time what with the memorial service and all the stress that surrounded it, so Emily had been taking advantage of the fact that her mother had been letting her get on with her life without interfering. She knew she couldn't push her too much, though, and she would have to be home at a reasonable time. Still, she didn't want her mother to see how dressed up she was, so she left the house without saying goodbye.

Emily walked outside and was greeted by Cece standing in front of her driveway. She was leaning against a blue convertible. Emily recognised it immediately.

_The car outside Alison's house that day I saw the moving van. The car I saw at the memorial. The car Alison was standing next to…_

"You…" She trailed off, as she stood in front of the blonde.

Cece gave her a puzzled look. "Yes? Me? Didn't I say nine?" She asked dryly.

"This is your car?" Emily asked. Cece didn't answer. She motioned for Emily to get in with an impatient wave of her hand. The brunette walked around the side, and opened the door. She slipped into the warmth of the front seat. Cece had the top up, and Emily was hit with a familiar scent.

_Ali's perfume…it's all over this car. _

Emily glanced around the small space as she waited for Cece to climb into the drivers seat. The car was distinctly feminine, and absolutely gorgeous inside. Everything looked as if it had been custom built, and the pale blue interior was exquisite, matching the colour of the car exactly. The only thing out of place was a large, slightly dusty sheet covering the front drivers seat. Emily frowned in confusion.

Cece sat down on top of the sheet and clicked the key into the ignition. Emily sat anxiously in the passenger seat, fiddling with her fingers as she tried to think of a way to break the awkward silence. She didn't have to wait long, because as soon as they were out of view of her house, Cece turned into a side street, and pulled over.

"Why are we stopping?" Emily asked tentatively. _Has she changed her mind? Does Ali not want to see me?_

"Look..." Cece said. Her eyes stared straight ahead, and her hands never left the steering wheel. "I know you really want to see her. She wants to see you, too. But I need to know if you told anyone about meeting Ali tonight. Did you?" She asked.

"No! Of course not. I would never…"

"Good." Cece interrupted.

"Cece…is Ali okay?" Emily asked quietly. _Please tell me. I can't bear this waiting._

"She will be…after tonight." Cece answered. "Look. Shes a little…she's still very on edge. Don't expect all the answers in one go, okay? Don't overwhelm her. You guys do need to talk…but just take it easy, okay. I know the first time you two spoke was a little…tense, but this is a do-over. Just don't go in too hard. She's not ready for that, yet." Cece warned.

"I won't." Emily promised. _I just want to see her again. God I do…_

Cece turned to Emily and smiled. "Okay. Well…I guess I'll take you to her, then. She's waiting for you."

Emily smiled nervously. Cece turned the key in the ignition and revved the car, sending it hurtling off down the street. Emily slammed back into the seat, a little shocked at the speed.

"Sorry." Cece said with a look that Emily couldn't place. "This car is a little…_difficult _at the moment. I'm just breaking it back in." She explained.

_By what? Breaking the light speed barrier?_

Emily laughed nervously, trying to calm her nerves. "Hey…what's with the sheet?" She asked, trying to make conversation.

"Ohh…" Cece said in a secretive tone. "I wish I knew the answer to _that,_ too!"

_What? This girl is so strange. I don't think I'm going to get used to her very quickly…_

Before Emily could question her further, Cece turned her head sharply to look back over her shoulder.

_Oh my god, eyes on the road! _Emily thought, panicking. She turned her head to look behind her, trying to get a glimpse of whatever Cece was looking at.

"What?" She asked. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Cece answered. "I'm just being paranoid. I thought I saw headlights…and then I thought I saw them switch off, back there. I must be losing my mind."

She didn't sound convincing, though. As they drove along, Emily kept catching Cece glancing in her overhead mirror. _She thinks there's someone following us. _Emily realised. She knew it couldn't be true, though. Nobody knew she was meeting Ali, she hadn't told a soul.

It was only twenty minutes before Cece eventually stopped the car. Emily looked around through the darkness of the window, but she couldn't see much. They seemed to be in the middle of a parking lot somewhere. The whole place looked deserted, with only a few dim lights illuminating the area. There wasn't a person in sight. There were a couple of large industrial buildings lined up next to one another. They looked abandoned. Emily could see that all the windows were smashed on one side, and the other building was littered with dense graffiti all over the wall.

"She wanted to meet me _here?" _Emily asked incredulously.

Cece laughed. "Oh _please. _As if Ali would be seen dead here." She scoffed. "This was my idea. It's out of the way…nobody will bother you." She glanced in her rear view mirror. "And hopefully nobody will show up unannounced…" She trailed off.

"Hopefully? Isn't this…like, breaking and entering? What if the cops catch us?" Emily asked warily.

"Listen, Pocahontas, do you wanna go inside or not?" Cece asked irritably.

Emily frowned. "Of course…I just…" She stammered.

_It just looks a little creepy…that's all. I'm fine. _

"Well go_, _then!" Cece ordered. She reached over Emily's lap and clicked her door handle open. The car door swung out widely. "And _don't _freak her out!" Cece ordered. Emily looked at her in alarm.

"You're not coming?" She asked.

"No. I'm going to park by the road, and make sure nobody comes. I dropped Ali off here earlier before I went back to get you. She's inside the building with the graffiti. She's waiting for you." Cece stated.

Emily took a deep breath. _This is it. This time…I'll do it right. Here we go…_

"Thank you." Emily said to Cece as she stepped out of the car and shut the door quietly. She stepped back a few paces as she watched the blue convertible do a U-turn in the parking lot, and drive away, down the road. Emily looked up at the two buildings. _The building with the graffiti…_

Emily walked across the dimly lit parking lot, and over to what she assumed was the door to the warehouse. She took a deep breath, and tried the handle. It was unlocked.

_Fuck. Why am I so nervous? It's only Ali. _Emily thought, as the door opened with a rusted creak.

She stepped into the darkness of the room, and the door banged shut behind her, making her jump. Emily looked around in the darkness. She couldn't see much, but she could tell that the warehouse was _huge. _She could see rails above her head. _Maybe it was a factory? _She couldn't tell what kind of place it had been when it had been operational. Old wooden boxes were strewn about randomly and numerous empty beer cans and trash littered the floor from where people had obviously broken in before. _Not that abandoned then…_

Emily weaved her way around the boxes, being careful not to make too much noise. _Knowing my luck there'll be cameras or something and I'll get arrested breaking into what I can only assume used to be a box factory? Or…a hideout of 'happy: the killer clown.' _Emily shivered.

Emily swallowed nervously. She didn't like things like this. When they had been younger, Ali had always tried to get their group to do more adventurous things. She was always convincing them to go to some haunted tunnel or another, and there was always some hideous story attached to it. Whether Ali had made up those stories or not, Emily didn't know, but she found herself reminded of them every time she entered places such as this. She didn't like abandoned buildings, they always gave off the impression that they were abandoned for a _reason_ and Emily's imagination had a hard time with the concept of _just a story, _sometimes. _It's just a bunch of Hocus Pocus! _Emily's inner child chanted inside her head. _Stop it! Not now! _She chided herself. _You'll freak yourself out. It's just a building! _She wrapped her arms around herself as she walked, as if it would protect her from whatever might jump out of the shadows. _Ali…where the fuck are you? _

Emily thought she saw a light flash in the darkness. She squinted to get a better look, but she couldn't see anything. _God. This place is so creepy. I met they have motion sensors or something. Any minute a light is going to click on and twenty security guards are going to come rushing out..._

Emily almost tripped over a large sheet on the floor, and cursed herself for wearing heels. _God! I'm such an idiot! Ali seriously…now would be a wonderful time for you to show up! _She thought, as she made her way around another pile of boxes. The space in front of her was more illuminated than the rest of the building. A single yellow light was on somewhere far above her head, and Emily was grateful to finally be able to see properly.

Emily jumped suddenly as she heard a loud clanging sound out behind her. Her heart raced as she heard the noise echo around the room. _What the fuck? _It sounded like something had been knocked over, but she couldn't see the source of the sound. She whipped her head around and searched back into the darkness in fright.

Emily held her breath as she felt her body shake with fear. _Oh god…I hate this. I really hate places like this…_

She turned back around towards the light, and all of a sudden…as if she had appeared like a ghost, Alison was standing right in front of her.

Emily gasped in shock. _Oh my god. It's her. She's really here. _Her mind raced as she tried to take in the sight in front of her. She had seen Ali before, of course, but this time she was fully awake. This time…she could really process what was happening. _She showed up. She really does want to see me._

Emily's eyes flickered over Alison's body. She looked _amazing. _Her hair was slightly curled, and Emily could see now that it had grown a lot in the time since her disappearance. It fell in perfect waves down her shoulders, and her skin glowed healthily. She looked _so _different to when Emily had seen her in the graveyard. She hadn't had time to really process anything about Ali then, other than the fact that she had been terrified. She had looked broken, and scared, and Emily had been too focused on the fact that she was _alive _to really take in her physical appearance. When Ali had come to see her in her room, it had been dark, and she had been too busy being angry at her, and trying _not _to look, that she hadn't had the time to _really _see her.

Emily exhaled harshly, letting out the breath she had been holding. "It's really you?" She said in surprise. She felt her eyes well up with tears. _She really came. It wasn't a trick…it's really her…_

Ali smiled nervously. She seemed breathless, as if she was overwhelmed. "I've missed you _so _much." She said genuinely. Emily could see that Alison's eyes were watering, just like her own. She looked as though she would cry at any moment. Emily felt the same way.

Emily looked up and down Alison's body in disbelief. _She really is back. She's back, and she's staying. This isn't some ghost in a graveyard…this isn't whispered words in the middle of a sleepless night…this is Ali. My Alison. She's real. She's staying. She's alive. This is really happening. Thank god you came back, Ali._

Emily reached out suddenly, and wrapped her arms tightly around Alison's body. She did the thing she had wished she had done in her bedroom, and hugged her so hard, and so fiercely, that she didn't think she would ever have the power to let go. Ali didn't seem to want to let go, either. She embraced Emily with just as much passion, her arms held onto Emily's back as she gripped her jacket, hard. Their cheeks pressed against each other tightly as a thousand unspoken words were thought.

_I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I should have reacted so differently the other night. I'm sorry I was angry with you. Oh my god, Ali…I missed you so much. Fuck. I did._

"You have no idea how hard it's been to stay away." Ali said, her voice breaking. Her arms shook as they refused to let go of Emily. The brunette held her back. _Almost as hard as it's been to stay mad at you. I can't ever stay mad at you. No matter what, I'll always love you._

"Then _don't_ anymore." Emily pleaded. Her lips moved against Alison's neck as she spoke, and their embrace tightened. She felt Ali shift her grip so that she was clutching Emily's lower back, now.

Emily pulled away, desperately clinging to Alison's shoulders as she held her firmly in front of her. "Let me help you." She said desperately. "We can go to the police…or your parents…"

Ali tensed up at the word _parents_, and Emily let go of her.

"I can't, Em. I wish I could." Ali said sadly.

"Why can't you?" Emily asked, searching the blondes face for an answer.

"I just don't know who I can trust…any more." Ali said distantly. Her eyes held an unspoken fear that Emily couldn't understand.

"You can trust _me." _Emily said forcefully. _You can. I swear it. Whatever you're afraid of…I'll be here for you. I'll help you. If it's the last thing I do, Ali…I will save you from this._

Ali gave Emily a look of gratitude. "I know I can trust you, Em." She stated honestly. She reached out, cupping her hand across the brunettes cheek. Emily closed her eyes as Ali brushed a lock of hair gently behind her ear in an oh-so-familiar gesture. Her fingertips grazed the skin at the side of her face, and Emily felt a shudder run through her body. She let out a shaky breath. She opened her eyes, and took a step closer towards Alison.

_It only takes one touch. One touch…and I'm lost._

"I'm just…not sure about _them." _Ali continued. She brought her hand back to her side, and Emily immediately missed the warmth.

"Who?" Emily asked, slightly dazed. Alison's presence always had a way of drawing her in and making her forget what she was supposed to be thinking about. The only thing racing through her mind at that moment was the lingering feel of Ali's hand against her face.

"Spencer…Aria…Hanna…" Ali trailed off.

"Why?" Emily asked. _Why can't she trust them?_

"I just…I don't know. I just need you. Can it just be you, for a while?" Ali asked in a quiet voice. She seemed so timid, and afraid. Emily had never seen her so vulnerable.

"Of course. Ali…you'll _always _have me. You always did. I'm always here for you. You know that, I hope?" Emily asked. _It can just be me until the end of time. Nobody has to know. I'll keep you safe, I swear._

"I know." Alison smiled. She shook her head in disbelief, the tears finally running down her cheeks, now. "You never stopped caring about me…did you." She stated. She said the words as if she knew them to be absolutely true. She looked at Emily as if she couldn't believe somebody would stand by her as much as she had, and Emily could see the genuine gratitude, and surprise, in her eyes. "Even after _everything _I put you through…" Ali continued. She reached out to grab hold of Emily's hand, and the brunette felt her heart soar with emotion. Ali was _so _close, now. Emily felt her own tears mirroring Alison's as they left wet tracks across her cheeks. "You don't know how much I regret hurting you." Ali cried, finally breaking. She sobbed quietly as her staggered breaths echoed around the room. Emily felt like she was about to cry, too. _God, Ali. I missed you more than you can ever understand. _

"If I could do it all over again things would be _so _different." Ali continued. She squeezed Emily's fingers inside her own, and Emily felt her hands shake. She tightened her grip around Alison's fingertips to steady her trembling. _It's okay, Ali. It's alright. I'm here now._

Emily glanced down at their joined hands, and noticed that not only were Ali's hands shaking, her whole body was, too. _She's so afraid. What is she so frightened of?_

"Alison…" Emily started. Her voice was full of concern, and affection. Every aspect of her being wanted to _protect _Ali in that moment. "Who's doing this to you?" She pleaded the blonde for an answer._ Tell me. Tell me, please. Let me help you. "_Tell me who you're hiding from…"

_Please. Tell me who the fuck did this to you. _

Ali furrowed her eyebrows in distress. Her eyes went blank, suddenly. It was as if she was stuck inside her own thoughts, and Emily wished desperately to see what they were. "I I need you, Em. I need to come home." She said, almost in a daze. Her eyes searched the room frantically. Emily could see that she was struggling with something; some _thought_…some _event_ that she couldn't express with words.

Emily began to realise her mistake. _I shouldn't have asked. Oh, God. I should have waited…_

"I thought I'd be able to just…sit down with you…and explain." Ali started to stammer. Her hands shook violently and she unclasped her fingers from Emily's. "But I was wrong…" Her voice shook, and Emily could tell she was beginning to panic. "I can't…I can't…" Ali's breathing faltered, and she stepped back a few paces, as if their closeness was preventing her from breathing.

_Fuck. No. Cece said don't go in too hard. That's exactly what I did, fuck. I shouldn't have asked. I should have waited for her to tell me. Shit._

"I can't…I can't breathe…" Ali said in a tense voice as her eyes darted around the room wildly. "Em…" She said, panicking. "Emily…I can't…"

"It's okay." Emily held her arm out in Ali's direction in a silent gesture to stop her from running. "Ali, calm down. It's okay, I promise." Emily watched as Alison took quick breaths, her eyes closing tightly as she tried to control herself.

"I need you, Em." Ali suddenly gasped. She looked as though she was having a full blown panic attack.

She didn't have the slightest clue how to calm someone down when they were this distressed, but Emily took her chances. She raced over to where Alison was standing. She grabbed her firmly by the shoulders, and shook her once, hard.

"ALI." She shouted, trying to get the blondes attention. She shook her again by the shoulders, hoping it would jolt Alison into coherency.

Thankfully, it worked. Ali opened her eyes, and gripped Emily's hands in her own as they rested on the blondes shoulders. She took in a ragged breath, and Emily leaned closer, keeping their eyes locked together. "Just breathe. Stay with me. Just breathe, Ali." Emily tried to repeat the words that Alison had said to her, so many years ago, when she had been having a similar panic attack in the school locker room. Ali had held her, and whispered to her, and just _comforted _her until she had calmed down. Emily was sure that without the blondes help that day, then she would never have been able to get through it. She hoped she had it in her power to give Alison the same comfort.

"You're alright." She whispered gently, untangling her hands from Ali's and moving them to hold her face in a tender caress. "I'm here. Just breathe…you're alright." She soothed. She saw a glimmer of recognition pass across Ali's features, as she struggled to relax her breathing. _She remembers. She remembers when this was the other way around…_

"Shh. It's okay. It'll be okay." Emily murmured. She held Ali's face dearly under her fingertips, as if she were as fragile as glass. She was afraid to take her eyes off of Alison. She wanted the blonde to know that she was _there…_and that she wasn't going anywhere.

_She's so scared. She's so fragile. I'll never leave you. I promise, Ali._

Ali finally seemed to stop shaking. She held Emily's gaze for what felt like an eternity, just breathing deeply, and staring into her eyes.

Suddenly, without warning, Alison brought her hands up to her own face, and took Emily's fingers inside her own, bringing their joined hands down in front of their bodies. She interlocked their fingers on both hands, pulling Emily closer to her body. Emily's breathing hitched, and she felt her whole body flush with warmth. Her skin tingled where Ali touched her, and she knew she was so close to losing control.

"You once asked me...if I had read your letter…" Ali whispered quietly, her blue eyes glancing up at Emily in a smouldering gaze. Emily sucked in a harsh breath. They were _so _close, and Emily instinctually leaned closer, still. "I must have read it...about a _thousand _times." Ali murmured, her voice tinted with an aching sorrow that Emily could feel inside her own heart.

_She read it? She really did get my letter? Oh my god. Then…she knows how I feel…she knows I…_

Emily didn't have a chance to finish her thought. Without warning, Ali grabbed the back of Emily's head with her hand. She wound her fingers tightly inside her hair, and pulled Emily towards her. Ali let out a harsh breath, and smashed their lips together in a bruising kiss. Ali's other hand came up to grip the lapel of Emily's jacket. She held the material in a tight fist, keeping Emily from moving. Emily didn't think she had ever been kissed so hard in her entire life, but she didn't care. She pressed her mouth back just as forcefully against Alison's, as she tasted her for the first time in what felt like an eternity. She didn't even have time to register what was happening. She wasn't complaining, though. She felt Ali's hand at the nape of her neck as she gripped her impossibly harder, still. In shock, Emily let out a tiny moan at the forceful sensation, but she didn't care about the pain. Emily felt Ali's hand grab wildly at her waist, gripping her hip as Ali pushed their lower bodies together with a force that Emily had never seen her use before. Emily moaned for a different reason, then, and she heard Ali do the same. Everything about the kiss was needy, and desperate, and harsh. It was a moment of pure passion, years overdue. Neither girl deepened the kiss, they didn't get the chance. Just as Emily was about to tilt her head, and slip her tongue inside Ali's mouth, a loud noise echoed throughout the room.

Ali pulled back, breathless. Her eyes went wide. Emily's eyebrows furrowed in confusion as she tried to focus her thoughts.

"What was that?" Ali exclaimed fearfully. She looked around the room for the source of the noise.

Emily's brain couldn't function beyond what had just happened. She could see Ali looking around, but she couldn't focus on anything else other than the lingering sensation of Alison's lips on hers. She panted heavily, her head swimming in a lustful daze.

Then, the noise rang out again. This time it was closer, and Emily was _sure _she saw movement in the shadows at the back of the room. This time, Emily managed to focus.

"Who's out there?" Ali said in alarm. Emily wasn't sure if she was saying it to _her_ or if she was calling out to the strange noise. Either way, she looked absolutely terrified.

A look of betrayal crossed Alison's features. "Did you _tell _any one about this?" She said in an accusatory tone.

"No, I swear…I…" But Emily didn't get a chance to finish. The noise sounded out directly behind her, this time. She whirled around to see if she could find where it was coming from.

Suddenly, a figure stepped out from behind a pile of boxes. Emily's eyes went wide as she realised who it was. _Spencer! Oh my god! What the fuck is she doing here?_

Spencer walked into view. She looked confused, and a little surprised. She also looked a little guilty. It took Emily only five seconds to realise that Spencer had followed her to the warehouse. She glared at her in shock. _She promised me. How could she?_

Emily turned back to see if Alison was okay. Unfortunately, the five seconds she was looking at Spencer for were five seconds _too _long. Ali hadn't even waited around to hear the explanation. Emily saw her her retreating back disappear behind a door at the end of the room, and she realised that Ali had run.

_No. Not again. Fuck! _

She gave Spencer a look that said in no uncertain terms: '_I'll deal with you later'_

"Ali! Wait!" She screamed. _Don't run, Ali. Please wait. PLEASE! God, no. This can't happen. She can't run again._

She reached the door at the far end of the room and tried to open it. The handle wouldn't budge. It was locked from the other side. Emily slammed her hands against it, trying to draw Alison back to the door.

"Open up, Ali. PLEASE! Alison wait! Come back!" She shouted, her palms slapping painfully against the metal surface. She tried the handle again, but it was stuck tight.

"Ali open up! OPEN THE DOOR! _Please! _I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Please Ali, I just wanna talk!" She pleaded desperately, but the door never opened. Alison had gone. Emily banged weakly a couple more times, before realising that it was no use. Once Ali ran, you didn't find her unless she wanted to be found. She knew that all too well.

Emily turned back towards Spencer with a seething glare. She breathed heavily, the betrayal coming off her in waves. Spencer stood a few feet away. She wore a shocked expression. Emily knew that this was partly because she had just seen Alison again, _alive_…but also because she _knew_ by the look on Emily's face, just how upset she was with her.

"I don't understand…how could she just disappear like that?" Spencer said, trying to keep the conversation as calm as possible.

"She didn't _disappear! _You _scared her _away!" Emily said venomously. "I can't believe you followed me here! You _promised me!" _

"I thought you were putting yourself in danger! I was worried about you! I thought this could be just another one of her tricks…" Spencer protested. "I thought she might lie to get you on her side…"

"Yeah! Well you thought wrong!" Emily responded angrily. She gave Spencer a hateful look.

_It's all your fault she ran. She was right here…with me. She left because of you!_

Spencer took an exasperated breath. "I know…" She said. Emily could tell that for whatever reason, her mind had changed.

_Oh, God. What did she hear? How long has she been in here for?_

"Im _sorry…" _Spencer pleaded, taking a step towards Emily. The brunette stepped back, not wanting to be anywhere near her.

"You're gonna have to work harder than that." Emily stated. _Sorry doesn't cut it. You ruined everything. I had a chance…_

Emily eyes brimmed with tears. "I betrayed Alison. She thinks I did, anyway. She is _never _gonna reach out to me again." Emily's voice broke as she realised the truth of her words. _She made me promise not to tell any one. She thinks I've broken my promise. She'll never forgive me…_

Spencer's expression suddenly changed to one of shock. She frowned at Emily, and when she spoke, her voice was far away and distant, as if she was figuring something out. "She's still playing games with us." She stated in a whispered voice.

_What? What games? What is she talking about?_

Emily shook her head in disbelief. "What are you _talking about?" _She asked incredulously.

"Ali sucked you back in." Spencer stated with a knowing look. She looked at Emily as if she was seeing her for the first time. "She knew that you were pulling away and that's why she picked you! She…she wanted to make you feel _special _so that you wouldn't give up on her!" She exclaimed.

_Are you fucking serious? _

"That's sick." Emily retorted. _I can't believe her right now. How can she think that? What's wrong with her?_

"No! It's brilliant!" Spencer said enthusiastically. "That's exactly what she's _good _at! It's always been what she's good at!"

"It wasn't like that! Okay!" Emily argued forcefully. "She was different tonight, she was SINCERE!" She shouted.

"What? She can _trust you, but she's not sure about the rest of us?" _Spencer mimicked Alison's earlier statement with added sarcasm. "Don't you get it?" Spencer gave Emily an irritated look. "She's…she's trying to divide us!"

Emily shook her head. Tears of frustration rose in her eyes. "She _wouldn't _do that!" She shook her head. _She wouldn't. She's so wrong. She's so, so wrong._

"_Wouldn't she?" _Spencer argued.

Suddenly, Emily registered something in her head. _Hold on. How did she know what Ali said? Did she hear our conversation? Did she see? Fuck, how much did she hear? How long has she been in here? Did she see the kiss?_

A moment of silence passed as Emily stared at Spencer in shock, and disbelief.

"Wait...you were _listening?_" She accused. "This _whole time?" _

Never in her life had she wanted to punch somebody as badly as she did now. She was _so _angry at Spencer.

Spencer looked guilty for a moment, but when she spoke, her voice had lowered a little. She looked as if she desperately wanted to diffuse the situation before it got any worse. "We can't let her come between us." She said, staring intently at Emily.

"I'd say you're doing a really good job of that, all on your own." Emily raged.

"I'm sorry." Spencer said quietly, she reached out and tried to comfort Emily by grabbing her arms.

Emily wasn't having it. "DON'T!" She screamed. She threw her arms up, pushing Spencer away from her before she could grab her. Spencer jumped back in shock. Emily was pretty sure none of her friends had ever seen her _this _angry before, but she didn't care. She was absolutely livid. Before she did something she would regret, she stormed away from Spencer, leaving her standing in the middle of the room.

Emily found her way out of the warehouse after taking at least two wrong turns in the dark. She was so angry that she couldn't think straight. As soon as she found the door to the warehouse she slammed her first into it, not caring if her hand would get cut. It was better the door, than Spencer's face.

Emily stepped out into the cool air of the night, and took a deep breath, closing her eyes. She ran her fingertips lightly over her swollen lips. She felt as though she could still feel Ali's kiss. She could taste her lipgloss…and hear her moans, as the whole thing flashed before her eyes once more. She shivered, but it wasn't from the cold. _God…that kiss. That kiss will stay with me, forever._

_She thinks I've betrayed her. She'll never trust me again. I'm so sorry, Ali. Fuck! I need to find her. I need to get to her before she runs again. _

Emily walked the short distance to the edge of the dark road, and looked down the street. There wasn't a car in sight.

_Fuck. Cece drove me here. And of course…she's gone. She probably took Ali with her. SHIT! How the fuck am I going to find her now? _

Emily cried out in frustration and despair. She raked her hand through her hair and thought about what she was going to do. She had no way to get home, and absolutely no idea where Alison was. Suddenly, she felt a hand touch her shoulder. She spun around. Spencer stood in front of her with her arms crossed.

"What do you want?" Emily said harshly. "Get away from me."

She walked off down the dark road, away from Spencer. _I'll walk home if I have to. Even if it takes me all night._

"Fine!" Spencer called after her. "Walk home, then! But just so you know…"

Emily turned around. _What does she want now?_

"_What?" _She shouted irritably, throwing her arms in the air. "What now." She turned back towards the road, and started walking away, again.

"I know where you can find Ali." Spencer shouted back. Emily stopped dead, and turned around again.

_What? How can she possibly know that?_

Spencer held her car keys up in the air so that Emily could see them. "So you can either walk yourself home…or you can come with me."

Emily stared angrily at Spencer, and then her eyes moved to the keys in Spencer's hand…

**Authors Note: ahh! Hey! Well that's the end of that chapter and the warehouse scene! I hope this chapter was still enjoyable for you guys. I was really sick when I wrote it so I'm quite worried you'll all hate it or be bored lol! I really wanted to amp up the drama with Spencer, because it'll be important later on. I also wanted to have Cece drake back in the story because I know you guys missed her, and I also wanted to show how emily might deal with her. We know who she is to Ali, but I thought it would be interesting to see how she comes across to other people. Emily finds her a little annoying lol. I wonder why! **

**I'm happy that I could finally have emily know that Ali has read her letter. I will get into that in detail later on. Also, regarding the diary: I know you all want emily to read it but trust me, I have a plan. That wasn't the right time for her to read it. This scene needed to come first, I have my reasons hehe! Lol! I also replaced the Shauna talking to Emily about Ali scene, with Cece. Because really…who was Shauna anyway? Irrelevant! Lol! Cece is much funnier to write! By the way, I used the "bitch switch" line for Alison that one of you guys mentioned in your review! I still think it's a perfect way to describe Ali! All kudos to you for that line! It's still going to be off canon, but the emison scenes from the show will all be coming up, don't worry. And yes, there will be sexy times. **

**Now this is the part I've been dreading because I've gotta give you guys some bad news! I'm actually going on holiday on the 4****th**** August for two and a half weeks so it might be a while before the next chapter is posted. I will TRY my hardest to get another one out for you guys before I leave but you guys might have to wait a little while until I get back. Trust me, if I could take my iPad with me and write on holiday, I would, but I can't. Don't worry though, I'm not Marlene! I won't promise you things I don't deliver, and I promise I'll be picking this story up right where I left off when I return! I have a LOT planned still. This story is going to end up being the longest thing In existence but I don't care I could literally write about these two forever! I've got 5x05 planned, I've got Ali being attacked at her house. We have what happened to Ali behind the red door to come, too. Also, Emily reading Ali's diary…finally! I've also got quite an interesting plot line going on involving some mysterious camera flashes. Very dark things are brewing in the background. Trust me. You don't want to miss that. Stick with me, and I promise it'll be worth it! Like I say, I'll try to get one more chapter out before I leave!**

**Anyway I've rambled on so much that nobody is probably still reading this authors note lol. Thank you guys SO much for your support. You're reviews have been amazing and I am overwhelmed at how kind you all are! As always, if there's anything you guys want in the story then please let me know because I always try and include it. Even if it's just a line, or a scene from the show that you liked, please let me know and I'll try my best to make it happen. I hoped you guys liked this chapter, sorry if it sucked I was super sick lol! Love you all! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your kind words! My Twitter is hauntedtwilight come say hi! **


	29. Stay

**(LONG) AUTHORS NOTE: hello! My how I've missed you all! Like seriously! Sorry it's been so long, thank you all so much for asking about my vacation I had a lovely time thank you! It took me a while when I got back to write this update because I had to read through everything I'd written and make sure it was all fresh in my mind again! And don't you worry I told you guys I'd never abandon this story and I won't :) trust me! This is my baby and I'd never leave it lol and I wouldn't leave you guys! Thank you so so much for being so patient I know it's hard to wait for updates! You guys left me some really really kind comments while I was away thank you all so much you have no idea how nice they were to read you really are too kind to me! I'm so glad you're all enjoying the story I know it's long but there's still a lot more to come so I hope you guys don't mind it getting longer lol! I have so much more to write for you guys! There is so much more content still to come and I really hope you guys are still around after that hiatus! I really did miss you all! I'm quite worried about posting this next chapter just because I know it's been a while I hope you guys didn't all leave lol! It's only an average length chapter but I wanted to ease you guys back into the story!**

**This next chapter sort of marks the season five emison scenes point so I'd consider it the half way mark even though I'm not sure exactly how many chapters the story will take to reach the end but it's far from over! This chapter is called stay, and I wanted to really get into some scenes involving all the girls and I thought it was about damn time Ali actually spoke to them all! The story is quite off canon now but in the show we know who A is etc so I thought it was okay to mix it up a bit! Don't worry I'll still be doing scenes from the show! Please let me know your thoughts it's been so long since I last spoke to you guys and I hope you're all still there! I really did miss you all and honestly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you all for your reviews you really do help me immensely! Anyways it's great to be back! Xx**

**CECE AND ALISON**

"Just keep your head down and be quiet!" Cece yelled. She revved the car as hard as she could, and gripped the steering wheel tightly. Wind whipped through the car from the open drivers side window as Cece looked back to check the road behind her.

"I told you! She's not following us! She's back there with Emily, still!" Ali yelled back, raising her head slightly. She was crouched on the front seat of Cece's car, trying to keep as low as possible so that she couldn't be seen. "Just keep your eyes on the road!"

Cece pushed on the top of Ali's head, shoving her back down as low as she could. Alison made a slight noise of discomfort.

"Ow!" Ali protested as she clung to the side of the seat to steady herself.

"I said get down, didn't I?" Cece retorted irritably. "Do you wanna be seen?" She moved her hand back to the steering wheel. Ali glanced at Cece's knuckles, and noticed how white they were from where she was gripping the wheel so tightly. Cece tossed her hair back, trying to keep the wind from blowing it in her face.

"She was already in there when Emily got there!" Alison argued. "You must have been mistaken!" She shouted over the roar of the wind, and the engine.

"I'm _not_ mistaken, Ali." Cece answered with a dark glance towards the rear view mirror.

Cece's cautiousness was starting to unnerve Alison, who was still reeling from her confrontation with Emily in the warehouse.

"Well you must be! I'm telling you, Spencer pounced out of the shadows like a little ninja! There is no way she followed you up there with Emily. She must have been in there with me the whole time…" She trailed off. "She must have followed me inside the first time you dropped me off…or we would have heard her come in." She added.

She was _sure _that she had heard a noise while she was waiting for Emily to show up. At first she thought the darkness of the room was just getting to her. She _did _have the tendency to be a little paranoid, after all. But as the time passed, she had begun to really believe that someone else was in the room with her.

_God if she was in there the whole time…then how much did she hear? How much did she see? She seemed shocked to see me, though. So did she know I was in there...or not? Has someone else been following me?_

Cece sighed. She carefully considered her next words, and Ali could see the hesitation on her face before she spoke. "Listen, Ali. There's something I need to tell you." She said quietly. Ali noticed the nervousness in her voice as she glanced again into the rear view mirror. Cece pressed a button on the steering wheel, closing the window, which made it easier for Alison to hear her.

"Yeah?" Ali said shakily. "What?" She shifted uncomfortably in her seat as her back begun to cramp from being in such an uncomfortable position.

"It's…" Cece trailed off, and sighed again. She frowned.

"What?" Ali asked. "What is it? You're starting to really freak me out." _There's something really bothering her._

"It's not Spencer. I know it's not. She's not the one following us. When I was parked waiting for you to come out, I saw another car parked just inside the woods. I didn't notice it at first but from where I was parked, I could just make out the outline of it inside the tree line. Before I could do anything, you came tearing out of there and into the car. When you told me about Spencer having followed me, I thought it might be _her_ car." She took a deep breath and glanced worriedly at Ali. "But when we pulled away…I saw something else."

"What? What do you mean you saw something else?" Ali asked nervously. _What the hell is she talking about?_

"I saw…I saw a shadow. A person. When we pulled out of the parking lot, I saw someone exit through the back of the warehouse. I couldn't make out what they looked like, they were dressed in black. They ran straight towards the car in the woods. Someone was in there with you, Ali. But it wasn't Spencer." Cece said darkly.

"And you think…you think that person is following us now?" Ali asked tentatively.

"No…I don't know. Maybe." Cece answered carefully. She glanced towards Ali with a wary look in her eyes. "All I know is…there was no way it was Spencer. There wasn't time...whoever I saw left at the same time as you, and by what you said, you got out before the girls did."

"They definitely would have taken longer to leave. I went through a different door. It took me straight to the parking lot. If Spencer or Emily had followed me that closely, they would have seen me leaving with you. It would have taken them longer to get out. Besides, you saw only one person, and neither of those two were dressed in black. Whoever you saw _was _in there with me._" _Ali breathed in a shocked voice. She had been getting the impression that something had been _off _for quite a while. There had been strange flashes…noises…and just a _feeling _of being watched that she hadn't been able to shake. The information Cece had just given her was the last thing her already paranoid mind needed. Her hands shook against the car seat.

"I did think…I thought…maybe there was somebody there. But when I saw Spencer, I thought the noises I was hearing must have been her. I don't know…I didn't _see _anyone, but there was just this…_feeling." _Ali admitted.

"Well! If you weren't so busy _feeling _up Emily then you might have noticed more!" Cece said sarcastically.

Alison gave her a dark look. "I wasn't…"

"Save it, Ali." Cece interrupted, and Alison knew it was no good trying to deny it.

"I don't like this. Who would have followed me there? Who was watching me?" Ali asked. _Who the hell is sneaking around in the shadows?_

"It'll be alright." Cece said with resolve. "We _will_ find out who it is. And why they were there. I promise. Nobody comes between me and my sister." She gave Ali a warm smile, but Alison could see she was faking calmness. Ali tried to return the smile, but the fear in her heart prevented any genuine exchange.

**EMILY FIELDS AND SPENCER HASTINGS**

Emily stared angrily out of the car window, her head turned as far away from Spencer as she could get it without giving herself a pulled muscle in her neck.

"Are you going to do this the whole way there? You have to talk to me at some point, Em." Spencer said irritably.

Emily refused to answer.

"Fine." Spencer huffed. "Then I'll talk."

_Please don't. I don't want to listen to your annoying voice. I might just put your head through the window. I had one chance to talk to Ali properly! And you ruined it! _Emily thought angrily.

"I know you're mad at me. I get it, okay. But I was trying to help you." Spencer said. "I thought she might…I just thought she might be after money or something. I thought she would manipulate you. I just wanted to check if you were okay."

_What? By lying to me. I specifically told you to let me deal with it. Now she's run away again. It's all your fault. _Emily stayed quiet, but her thoughts were making it hard not to bite back. She didn't want to argue with Spencer but she knew it was inevitable. She had reluctantly got into Spencer's car on the premise that Spencer knew where Ali was. She still hadn't told her why, or how she knew where Ali would be, and Emily was having a hard time not asking. She didn't want to give in and speak to Spencer. She wanted her to know how angry she was.

A stormy silence fell over the car, and Emily looked out into the blackness of the night as Spencer sped towards town. At the speed they were going, she knew it wouldn't be long before they caught up to Cece's car. Then again, the way Cece drove, maybe she'd already be on the other side of town, taking Ali as far away from Rosewood as possible. Emily didn't know, but her anxiety was at full throttle. She needed to see Ali and explain what had happened.

Emily couldn't help but touch her lips, the memory of Alison's bruising kiss seared sharply onto her brain. She absently ran her finger along her bottom lip as she remembered the way Ali had pulled her roughly against her own body, and her eyes automatically closed. She sighed deeply. Her mind raced with the images of a thousand ways that kiss could have continued had it not been interrupted, and her anger finally boiled over. Her eyes snapped open, and she turned her head towards Spencer.

"What gives you the right to follow me around in the shadows, spying on me?" She shouted. "What gives you the right to follow her? To not trust her? Where do you get off sneaking around doing everything your own way, thinking you're always right?" She yelled, gesturing wildly with her hands.

Spencer rolled her eyes, as if she had been anticipating the outburst. She tilted her head in Emily's direction. "It speaks." She said flatly, without making eye contact.

"WELL!" Emily yelled.

"What is it with her, Em!" Spencer yelled back. She smacked her hands against the steering wheel. "What is it about her that you like so much? _Why _is it that the second she snaps her fingers you come running? You lose _all _cognitive brain function when it comes to that girl! Why can't you see what she's really like? What did she do to get you to believe whatever little story she's come up with? Did she kiss you? Is that it? Go on! Tell me I'm wrong." Spencer shouted with a knowing inflection to her voice.

Emily was taken aback. _Fuck. Did she see? Did she see the kiss…or not? She's never going to believe me if she saw that kiss. She's always going to think Ali is just using me. She'll never understand it. I don't even know if I understand why she kissed me. But that kiss…it seemed so genuine at the time…_

"By your lack of an answer I take that as a yes." Spencer said smugly.

"You don't know what you're talking about." Emily responded. She didn't know what else to say.

"Yeah? Well I think I do. I think you're so _blindly _in love with her that you'll listen to whatever she says." Spencer huffed.

"I'm not! And just how much did you _see _while you were creeping about in the dark?" Emily asked.

"I didn't see anything!" Spencer answered irritably. "I only heard half of the conversation…but it was enough. I heard her say she doesn't trust us. What reason could she have not to trust us, Em? Aren't we her friends too?" Spencer bargained for Emily to hear her reasoning. "Why would she go to you, and you alone? If she's not trying to get something out of you…then why just you?"

_So she didn't see the kiss. She's just testing me. _Emily let out a frustrated breath. "Why can't you just trust me. Ali and I…we have a bond. It's complicated…" She trailed off.

"It's only complicated because she's had you wrapped round her little finger for so long that you actually _believe _her lies, Emily. I'm sorry, but I don't see why she couldn't just be honest with all of us about what happened." Spencer's voice had calmed a little bit. "I know she might show you affection…but don't let that distract you from the truth." She said seriously.

"She didn't…she just…" Emily murmured, but couldn't finish her sentence. _She did show me affection, though. I just don't know what it means. Every time Spencer gets in my head like this I can't think straight. When I'm with Ali…it feels so real. _

Emily decided to change the course of the conversation. "How did you even know where she was? Where she'd be? How do you know where to go to find her now?" She asked.

"I've been waiting for Ali to show up for a while, the same as you have. When you told me you'd keep me updated, and you _didn't, _I decided to check things out for myself. Her house is right next to mine, remember. There's no way she'd be in town and not check it out. I knew if I waited long enough she would have to show up there at some point. So I waited. I watched. Eventually, I saw a blonde girl leave her house through a panel that leads into the basement. She was carrying something, but I couldn't see what. At first, I thought it was Alison, so I followed. When I saw her get into that convertible, I realised it wasn't Ali. It was some other girl, but she had to be in Alison's house for a reason, right? So I followed the car to an apartment just outside of town, and _bingo_, there she was, waiting at the door for the blonde girl. Ali welcomed her inside with a hug. Like she was an old friend. That's when I realised Ali wasn't here alone. Whoever that girl is…she…"

"Her name is Cece Drake." Emily interrupted.

"Well this _Cece _person is shacked up with Alison and is doing a damn good job of hiding her, too. If I hadn't seen her leaving Ali's house I never would have found where she was. They have the apartment rented under Cece's name, and Ali never leaves. Cece does everything for her. When she drove Alison up to that warehouse I knew it was to meet you. You never told us a word, but I knew." Spencer sounded slightly annoyed.

"I didn't tell you because I wanted to talk to her by _myself._" Emily challenged. "Not with a thousand ears listening in."

"You need someone to watch out for you when you're with her. You can think what you like, but you do." Spencer stated.

"I don't need you deciding what I do and don't need. What I needed was to do things _my way _for a change. Not yours!"

Spencer finally snapped. She gripped the steering wheel tightly as she pressed down on the gas hard.

"Emily! We've done things your way this _entire _time! When she first went missing we looked for her _everywhere _with you! We let you draw up those maps…run around in the woods all night…we let you do _everything _you wanted to find her and we didn't tell your mother a god damned thing! We didn't even go to the police when she came back! That was because of _you! For fuck sake! _We should have told someone the second we saw her again! But we didn't! We let you have your way! I'm done with this Ali thing. You're not the only one who has been put through hell! Do you have any idea how hard it's been trying to pick you back up after what happened? It was bad enough that my friend was dead…_our _friend was dead…but you…you were the hardest part of it all. I watched what it did to you. I watched you crumble…and fall apart. It was like watching two friends die, Em. It wasn't just Ali that was gone…you went away too." Spencer's voice broke, and for the first time, Emily felt bad.

"I…" Emily started, but she didn't know what to say.

Spencer shook her head. "Watching you go through all that…we didn't know what to do, Emily. We didn't know how to deal with it. We let you have things your way because we thought it might help you. Now that she's back, I just…I care for you. We all do. I worry that you'll get hurt again, and I don't know if I can watch that happen. I don't know if I can see you in that much pain again. It broke my heart." She said sincerely. Emily could see the tears welling in Spencer's eyes, and she could see how much her friend was trying to stay composed.

"I'm sorry." Emily whispered. And she _was _sorry. She knew she had been an emotional wreck, and worse, still, she knew that her friends had felt helpless over what to do with her. She didn't know the details of what had happened to Ali, or what Alison really needed from her, but she felt in her heart that their exchange had been genuine. She could see that Spencer's anger and over protectiveness had come from a place of love, though, and she felt her anger recede.

"I know this hasn't been easy for you guys. It's hard to explain…but I really feel like I need to talk to her. I feel she needs to talk to me…" Emily sighed. "I know you're worried…but there's something going on with her, Spence. I've never seen her this way. I've never seen her this afraid…"

Emily looked down at her hands, and felt absolutely at a loss. _What am I doing? What am I doing to everyone around me? She is the center or my world, Spencer's right. But I don't think that will ever change. I do love her. Even if this is all a trick…I'd still go along with it…just to see. Maybe I'm just weak._

Emily heard Spencer take a shallow breath. She seemed to have calmed down a little.

"To be honest…I agree." Spencer admitted. "I mean, I still don't trust her, and I still worry…but from what I heard…there's something bigger going on. I could tell from how desperate she was. The way she clung to you…"

Emily's eyes widened. "I thought you said you didn't see anything." She said, shocked.

"I didn't." Spencer smirked.

**CECE AND ALISON**

The door slammed with a frantic bang as the two girls raced into their new apartment.

"Grab your stuff, let's go." Cece ordered.

Ali ran her hands through her hair and stared desperately around the room.

_Fuck. This is all so fucked up. I can't believe this is happening. I can't run again. But if I can't trust Emily…then who can I trust? It's only me and Cece. I can't stay with her forever. I can't come back here, either. How can I tell the police what happened? Nobody will believe me. They'll think I just ran away. They'll tell my parents, and then they'll come back here. I can't see them. I can't. _

"Alison. Get out of your head. We need to get going. If anybody followed us, then they won't be far behind." Cece instructed, opening the closet and throwing a large duffel back in Alison's direction. It landed in front of her feet with a loud thud.

"Who do you think it was? Do you think it could have been some drunk? Some homeless person, maybe? Do you think they really saw me? Would they even know who I was? Maybe they didn't see me! Maybe they won't know who I am…maybe they won't tell…" Ali panicked.

"A homeless person with a car? I don't think so. Someone saw you, Ali, and if you're serious about your parents not finding out you're alive then I suggest we get moving. Regardless, if whoever was in that warehouse doesn't tell, then Spencer sure will. Now move your ass." Cece said frantically. She moved about the room in a blur of blonde hair and hurried movements as the four walls swirled around Alison. She felt like the entire apartment was spinning. She hadn't even had time to process her conversation with Emily, let alone anything else.

"I can't deal with this." Ali said quietly, almost to herself. She felt her stomach churn as a sick feeling crept over her.

"What?" Cece said, her arms full of clothes. She dumped them unceremoniously into the black bag at Alison's feet. She looked up at her friend. "Alison?" She asked again, finally noticing her friends distress.

"I can't. I can't run any more." Ali admitted in an almost inaudible voice.

She had known it for a while, since before the warehouse, even. Seeing Emily again had just confirmed it. She just couldn't leave. The thought of leaving the brunette again turned her heart to stone. The _only _way she would run, was if Emily came with her, and she knew she couldn't ask that of her. She didn't care who had been following her, or if the police found out she was alive, or even if her parents did too, in that moment. As she felt the room turn around her while she stood still, she came to a jarring conclusion within herself. She couldn't leave Emily.

"Ali…if you don't want to leave, then I don't know what to do." Cece stated, and it was the first time Alison could see that Cece had also reached a dead end. She had _always _run away, and the two girls were finally out of options. Cece knew as well as she did that they would have to face the consequences of both of their actions. Cece had hidden Ali for so long, that she was probably in an equal amount of trouble. If the police found out that Alison was alive, then Cece would be called in for questioning.

"I don't know what to do either. I just know that this is it. There's nowhere left to go." Ali said sadly. _And I can't go back to Ravenswood. Not to that apartment. All that blood…that red door…that isolation…_

"I can keep you safe, I can…" Cece started, but she was out of ideas. They'd been seen by far too many people to just disappear again. Even if they left now, if Spencer and the girls told the police that Ali was alive, then they'd never be able to run far enough to escape the manhunt that would follow. Once the media got hold of the story, too, It would be only a matter of time before the police tracked them down.

"God, what have I done." Ali brought her hands up to her hair, and screwed her face up in distress.

"Hey…" Cece said, moving closer to the blonde. She put both her hands on Alison's shoulders and squeezed affectionately. "It's me and you, kid. You're not alone. Whatever happens, I'm here with you."

Alison was eternally grateful for her friend, but she couldn't allow her to take the fall with her. "No…" She croaked. "You can't be here when the police catch me. You can't get in trouble for this. You've done nothing but try and help me. I won't let them blame you for what I did."

"You didn't do anything, Ali! This was all done to _you! _And I _chose _to help you. I'm not leaving you. I promised I would always be there for you, and I swear, I will be. I'm staying right here, okay." Cece soothed. She pulled Ali into a tight hug.

Suddenly, the door to the apartment was rocked by three loud bangs. The two girls jumped apart, startled by the noise. They stared at the closed door. Alison's heart pounded in her chest.

"Ali." Emily's voice rang out from the other side of the door, and Alison found herself frozen in place.

"Alison!" The voice came again, followed by more loud rapping on the door. This time Ali could hear more than one person knocking at once.

Ali went to call out, but her voice suddenly evaporated. Her throat was dry from nerves, and she looked to Cece with a strained expression. She cleared her throat, and reached a shaky hand out towards the door. _This is it. If you let them in, you have to tell them everything. Then it's over. The running is over. There's nothing more you can do._

Ali took a few tentative steps forward, and settled her hand on the door handle. She turned it sharply, and yanked it open as wide as it would go.

**EMILY AND SPENCER**

Shock was not the right word. Emily could see it written all over Spencer's face. It was the first time since the cemetery that Spencer had seen Alison properly, and up close, and her face was a picture of surprise. The two girls sat opposite the two blondes on the double bed in the corner of the apartment. Since opening the door, Alison hadn't said a single word, and neither had her friend Cece. Ali had stood shaken and distraught in the doorway as Cece had ushered them quietly inside, and they had moved across the room towards the bed, where they had all sat down in silence.

Part of the reason for the lack of communication came from the sheer fact that Alison looked as if she was going to faint at any moment, and Emily was far too busy watching her to speak a single word. She felt great concern flood through her as she took in Alison's clear panic, and remembered back to the warehouse when she had had to calm her down. The last thing she wanted to do was set off another panic attack.

Emily was quite surprised at Spencer. She had seemed _so_ angry at Ali in the car on the way over. She had thought the first thing Spencer would do when she saw Ali was start screaming. To her credit, she hadn't. She seemed to gauge the seriousness of the situation as soon as they had entered the room, and wisely, she kept her mouth shut. Emily was equally surprised at Cece. The girl always seemed so _confident, _so cocky. Gone was the girl that Emily had been with earlier. In her place sat someone clearly frightened, and deeply nervous. The two blondes looked as if they had been backed into a corner after a particularly hard fight, and Emily could see that they had _finally _given up. She had expected Cece to grab Ali's hand and bolt past her to speed off into the night in her convertible; but when it hadn't happened, and she had let Emily and Spencer inside so willingly, Emily realised that it was over. It was finally time to talk things over properly. She crossed her legs next to Alison, and waited for a knock at the door.

When it came, it was soft, and tentative, and didn't startle the silence as much as Emily thought it would. She eyed Alison cautiously, who was staring at the door with a fearful expression. Cece stood up, and looked frantically between the door and the window, as if calculating an escape route.

Emily hadn't told Alison she had called Hanna and Aria, but she felt like they should be there, too. They were part of it all, after all, and if they were going to have it all out…then they deserved to hear it, too. She knew it wouldn't take them long to get to the apartment, and she had called them in the car on the way over.

Spencer was right about one thing. When it came to Ali, Emily _did_ need help. She couldn't just keep trying to deal with it on her own, and for Alison's sake, she wanted to show her that she had _all _their support. She needed Alison to know that she had friends she could turn to, and that there was no reason to keep running away.

Alison finally spoke, and when she did, it was with a voice laced with a deep hurt. She turned to Emily with a pained expression. "You called the police." She whispered, her eyes flickered back to the door. Her wide blue eyes watered, and she frowned in confusion.

"No." Emily said quietly, trying to reassure her that things were still okay. "It's Hanna and Aria. I called them. Just trust me, okay. I'll let them in." She noticed Ali take in a relieved breath.

Cece sat down on the bed next to Alison and put a comforting arm around her shoulder. Emily moved towards the door quickly. She opened it quietly, looked around to make sure nobody was watching, and pulled Aria and Hanna inside the room. She closed the door behind them and leaned back against it with a careful glance towards the bed.

"Well…this is…a surprise…" Hanna stated. She looked around the now crowded room in bewilderment. She strode over to an armchair next to the bed and perched herself on top of the arm rest. She lay her bag down on the floor.

"Hey…Ali." Aria said kindly. She looked as if she didn't know what to do with herself. She stood in the center of the room, and fidgeted with her fingers. She shifted her feet a little, and looked for a place to sit.

Emily walked up next to Aria and glanced around at the faces of her friends. It was clear that nobody was in a hurry to start speaking first.

"Well…now that we're all here…" Emily murmured, crossing her arms gracefully.

"We can find out _why _we're here." Spencer finished pointedly. Her steely glare was back.

"Ali…you don't have to talk to them if you don't want to." Cece cut in. She still had her arm around Alison's shoulder. The blonde was glancing from Hanna, to Aria, to Spencer with a nervous look in her eyes.

"What is there to say?" Ali whispered. She sounded broken.

Emily moved immediately towards the bed. Ali's pain was like a magnet to her body, she just couldn't stay away. She never thought she would think it, but she almost preferred the cold side of Alison to this girl in front of her now. She just looked so vulnerable. It was a side to Ali that she hadn't even realised existed. She noted Cece's close proximity to Alison and immediately wished they could switch places. She wanted to be the one comforting her, not this new girl.

_But she isn't new. Is she? She knows far more than I do about what happened. Far more than any of us…_

Hanna had been quiet for far too long. She spoke, finally, with a weary look on her face. _"_How about the truth. Now. We've been running around after you for two years, you owe us that." She said with determination, but not unkindness. It was just the truth. It was clear from her tone that everyone had had enough. Hanna shifted a little from her place on the edge of the arm rest. Aria moved across the room and sat down on the chair. Hanna scooted over slightly to give her more room.

Ali looked glumly down at her hands. Emily could almost feel her pain through the look on her face.

_Come on. Come on, Ali. Don't shut down. I know you can do this. _Emily thought. _This is it. It's time. But first…I need her to trust me._

"Listen, Ali…I didn't know Spencer was in the warehouse, okay. I just need you to know that." Emily said shakily. She wasn't sure how much trust still remained between her and Alison after their heated exchange, but she hoped the blonde would believe her.

Cece gave Emily an irritated look. "Really?" She said sarcastically.

"Yes!" Emily answered, ignoring Cece and gesturing towards Ali. "I _promise you. _I wouldn't do that to you. You told me to come alone, and I did. I swear." She knelt down at the edge of the bed and tried to catch Ali's eye.

_Fuck. She's never going to believe me. Please. Just look at me._

"She's telling the truth. I followed you there." Spencer interrupted. All pairs of eyes snapped up to look at Spencer. "She didn't tell me anything."

"You followed me?" Cece asked quizzically. She saw Cece glance at Alison with a look that Emily knew had more behind it than she was letting on.

"I followed you from here. I saw you take Alison to the warehouse. I waited there for you to get Emily." Spencer stated. "I _knew _you'd get Emily." She added, with an irritable tone.

"Will you stop with the comments!" Emily snapped. "Yes! She wanted to talk to me! Get over it!"

"Well it's a little hard, Em. The rest of us have no idea what's going on and to be honest it's a little hurtful that she _doesn't trust us!" _Spencer mimicked Alison's tone in the warehouse, and Ali whipped her head towards her.

"And why do you think I don't trust you!" Ali yelled. "Emily told you to stay away and you came anyway! How can you trust someone who never listens!" Her expression was furious.

"You're one to talk about trust! You spend two years pretending to be dead and then just pop up again like the whole world revolves around you, ordering people around in the middle of the night to have secret meetings with you when nobody has any clue what's going on!" Spencer yelled.

Cece stood up from the bed, giving Emily the chance to steal her place next to Ali. She quickly sat down next to the blonde, and made sure she was as close as possible.

"That's enough!" Cece shouted at Spencer. "You have no idea what you're talking about. Why don't you shut up and let her tell you what happened. Maybe then you won't be such a know it all."

"Know it all! We know nothing!" Spencer waved her arm angrily in Ali's direction.

"Jon snow." Hanna giggled quietly in the corner from her place on the chair. Aria turned to her with a confused look. "Sorry…I make jokes when I'm nervous." Hanna muttered, shrinking down against the back of the chair.

Alison took a deep breath. "Guys…I can't do this while we're all yelling at each other. It's hard enough to talk about it as it is."

Emily placed a hand softly on Alison's knee. "It'll be alright. I promise." She murmured. _They'll calm down soon. This was bound to happen at first._

Ali looked up at her with affection, and the two girls stared at each other for far longer than they should have. Emily tried to look as convincing as possible. "I _really_ didn't tell Spencer. I didn't know. I promise you, Ali. I didn't know." Emily pleaded with her.

"It's okay, Em. I know." Ali said quietly.

Ali have a small smile, the only one Emily had seen cross her features since entering the room, and she returned it. She knew Ali believed her. The relief was startling, and she squeezed Alison's knee a little harder. She could feel Hanna's gaze on the back of her neck, and pulled her hand back quickly.

"Well I think we have a reason to yell at you. You pretended you were dead. That's not just something you shrug off, Alison." Spencer said sharply.

"I'm not shrugging it off! I know what I did! I know I hurt you guys, okay. But you have no idea! This is about me, okay. It's something really serious that happened to me…and it's not been easy! You have no clue how I feel about this! I can't think about how you guys feel right now. I'm sorry I just can't. I can't deal with the feelings in my head and all of yours as well. I have too much of my own shit to deal with." Ali protested.

"Wow. Your superiority complex hasn't dimmed at all, has it?" Spencer snipped.

"That's not what I mean!" Ali retorted. "I just mean that it's…it's hard to talk about…" Her voice shook as it trailed off.

"Well try." Spencer said coldly.

Emily had had enough. "Will you two just stop! Spencer, she's never going to open up if you keep attacking her!" She said defensively.

"And she's never going to be honest if you keep coddling her, Emily! She's not a baby! She's a grown up who got herself in some pretty grown up shit so let her face the consequences. Out with it, Ali, now!" Spencer ordered.

Cece laughed darkly. "You're the last one that should be angry. This wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for your family." She said under her breath. It wasn't quite quiet enough, though. She realised her mistake as soon as she said it.

"What?" Aria asked. She had been the least talkative, but by no means the least observant.

"What are you talking about? What the fuck does this have to do with me." Spencer asked.

Emily was confused. She looked to Alison for an answer, but the blonde had averted her eyes. "Ali…what's this about? What started all this?" She asked carefully.

Cece looked at Alison apologetically, but Ali just closed her eyes, and sighed with a sad smile. "Here we go." She whispered. "Spencer…Jason is your brother."

**TEN MINUTES LATER**

Aria and Hanna had taken a firm backseat in the discussion, deciding that the whole series of events really didn't include them much at all, and were quite happy to stay in the background with no attention directed at them. The whole conversation had been shocking. They had been told the story of the documents that Alison had found, and Spencer wasn't taking it very well at all.

"I don't believe you. They can't have…he wouldn't. They wouldn't hide something like this." Spencer argued.

"Well they can. They _did._ And Jason _is _your brother. So I don't know what else to tell you, Spence." Ali said quietly.

Spencer shook her head. "I don't believe you."

"It's true. It's what started all this." Cece added. "Sorry, kid, but you're going to have to get over it. Daddy had an affair with Mrs D and nine months later out popped Jason. Men are pigs." She said matter-of-factly.

Spencer shook her head in disbelief, but Emily could see the wheels in her head turning as she processed the information. Emily wasn't as shocked to hear about Jason as the other girls were. She had spent a lot of time in Alison's house, far more than the others, and she knew that the relationship between Ali's parents wasn't as glittery and perfect as it seemed from the outside. Emily had been to Ali's house hundreds of times, and only a handful of those had she seen Mr and Mrs Dilaurentis together. They were always apart, and Alison's dad always had a coldness to him that Emily couldn't place. She wasn't surprised that Jessica Dilaurentis had had an affair.

Spencer was quiet for a moment, and stared down at the floor with a frown. "The arguments about the garden all the time…the boundary line. They never got on. Our families couldn't stand each other…" She was starting to piece it together.

"It wasn't just the garden, Spence. It went deeper than that. That was just something they could all take it out on each other with. A distraction to stop them arguing over the real issue." Alison said pointedly.

"Jason is my brother." Spencer said flatly.

Alison nodded, and Emily could see that she was absolutely telling the truth.

_God…that means Spencer and Alison are almost sisters in some strange way. This is insane. _

Spencer got up suddenly, and walked to the other side of the room. She sat down on the floor, and put her head in her hands.

"You alright?" Aria asked tentatively. Spencer nodded, but Emily could see she was far too lost in her own thoughts to concentrate on anything else. This was something that would take Spencer some time to get her head around.

"So what happened next? After you found the papers?" Aria asked, and Emily saw Alison look immediately to Cece.

Alison's blonde friend nodded slightly, as if giving her permission to speak. Emily had never seen Alison look so in need of help. She had always been so assertive, so confident. This particular subject, however, was something she was clearly deeply struggling with. Emily felt a pang of jealousy towards Cece in that moment. It was as if Ali couldn't find the courage to open up unless Cece gave her some support, and she wished it was her that Ali would look to instead.

"After I found the papers…I confronted my father." Ali said quietly. She swallowed nervously and shifted on the bed. Emily tried to catch her eye again, but she still wouldn't look at her.

"And what did he say? I bet he wasn't happy you knew about it." Hanna joined in.

"No…no he wasn't." Ali murmured in an almost inaudible voice. Her hands trembled, and Emily could see that her whole body had started to shake slightly. "He wasn't happy at all." She whispered.

Emily didn't know how she knew. She just _did. _It was one of those moments in life that takes you by surprise. One second you're on one track, and the next, something veers you off course. It can happen in only a second, or it can happen over a long period of time. For Emily, it hit her all at once. It might have been something in the way Alison said the words, or it might have been the way she wouldn't hold her gaze. Whatever it was that made it click inside Emily's brain seemed irrelevant in that moment. All that mattered was the truth, and Emily knew it. She knew it as if it had been there all along, and she felt her heart drop into her stomach. She watched the way Ali's eyes flickered, as if they didn't know where to look, and she saw the shaking of her hands as she tried to steady them, and Emily felt herself grow cold. In those few seconds, Alison's entire personality suddenly seemed to make perfect sense. The realisation of _why _she was the way she was, became as clear as crystal. It was obvious really, and she didn't know how she could have missed it before.

_The way she never used to want to go home…her control over other people…her personality switches…the bruises…her confidence…it was all because of that. She never spoke a word of it, but it was right in front of me the whole time. Her father. Her father was the problem all along. She was in pain, and she took it out on others. What did he do to her?_

"Oh my god." Emily felt sick. "Ali…"

Ali looked up at Emily with tears about to spill from her eyes. Emily knew she was right the second their eyes met, and Alison knew she had figured it out. Emily felt a huge rush of guilt shoot through her body. _How could I not have known? Why didn't she tell me?_

"You could have come to me…" Emily soothed. "I would have…"

"What, Em? There's nothing you could have done." Alison said in a strained voice, trying hard to hold back her tears.

"How long…has it…." Emily reached for Ali's hand.

"What? Been going on for? I don't remember a time when it wasn't happening." Ali stated sadly. Emily felt for her hand on the bedcovers and placed her own on top of it. Alison's fingers were ice cold.

"Wait…I'm confused…what are you two talking about. I don't get it." Hanna said in an irritated voice. Aria looked equally as uninformed.

Emily didn't know what to say. She was still in shock. She looked over towards where Spencer was slumped against the wall. She was listening to the conversation, but Emily knew she was still in shock from the earlier revelation.

Alison blinked rapidly as the tears fell from her eyes. Cece folded her arms and looked sadly at her friend.

"It was my father. He did this to me." Ali said in a hushed tone. "He's the reason…the reason I ran away." She admitted. She closed her eyes and wiped the tears away from her face with her spare hand. Emily clutched the other one tightly.

"Oh." Hanna said, frowning. Aria looked over at Ali's distressed appearance, and Emily knew that they had understood the implication of her words.

_What did he do to her?_

"Alison, are you alright. You don't have to continue if you don't want to." Cece said kindly. "We can still leave."

Emily's head shot up. "No. She's not going anywhere." She held tightly onto Alison's hand, and felt the blonde squeeze her fingers. _She's not leaving. _

"We'll help you, Ali. I promise. Just…just _tell me_." Emily pleaded. "Just tell me what happened that night."

**TEN MINUTES LATER**

There wasn't a dry eye in the room. Everyone had listened to Alison's story in absolute silence so far. She had only managed to get as far as the argument with her dad at the dinner table, and what he'd done to her, but she had had to stop talking to compose herself numerous times already. Every time she would need to pause, Emily would rub her back, or move her thumb across the top of Alison's hand in a comforting gesture, and she would calm down, and continue.

Emily could feel the hatred for Kenneth Dilaurentis boiling up inside of her. She had never hated someone before, but after hearing what he had done to Alison…how he had hit her…she wanted to kill him. Ali had told them that it happened at least two or three times a week. It took everything in Emily's power not to pick up the phone and call the police herself. Worse, still…was the revelation that Alison's mother had done nothing to stop it from happening. All those years…all that time, and she had let it continue. Emily could see why Alison didn't know which one she hated most: the one who had been hurting her, or the one who had allowed it to happen willingly.

_No wonder she kept a secret diary. She must have been scared to death that he'd read it. Everything about her was born from fear. I never knew the real her. She tried to show me…she wanted me to read that diary and I didn't. I should have. Maybe then I would have dealt with all this differently._

Emily knew that Alison was about to tell the part of the story that she dreaded hearing the most, but she had already figured most of it out. When the words left her mouth, Emily wasn't surprised. Finally, after all this time she could understand why Alison had run.

"He was holding a whiskey glass. He grabbed me…and I didn't know what to do." She held Emily's hand tightly. "Then... he hit me with the glass in his hand." Ali continued. "I didn't feel it at first…it was so fast…" She trailed off, reaching up to absently touch the back of her head with the hand that wasn't underneath Emily's. "It felt like…it felt like a thousand knives digging into my skull." She whispered, her voice taking her mind to a distant place. "But at the same time…it didn't hurt. It was just…final. The glass…it went everywhere…"

Emily could see the memories flickering across her pained expression, and she wanted to take them away. She wanted to take them _all _away.

"I don't know how long I was out for…I just remember…a black nothingness. Cold. There was blood, I think. I don't know." Ali frowned, trying to recall her memories in the right order. Emily felt physically sick.

"Then…" Ali continued. "I woke up." She swallowed hard and Emily leaned forward.

"Where...in the house?" Aria asked, her voice sad and small. She felt terribly sorry for Alison.

"In the ground." Ali said flatly. It was almost an expressionless voice, but Emily wasn't fooled. She could see from the tears in the blondes eyes that this was incredibly difficult for her to speak about.

Emily gasped, as did the rest of the girls. Everyone apart from Cece looked surprised. Alison's friend closed her eyes and shook her head, as if knowing this story already, and finding it hard to hear again.

"He put you in the _ground?" _Emily exclaimed. _Oh my god. No. Please tell me he didn't…he didn't do what I think he did. He couldn't have…he's her father…_

"_Ali…_no. Please no. Don't tell me he did what I think he did. Please. He can't have done that to you…" Emily said desperately. _Please no. I can't take hearing this. _

Alison's anger and resentment shimmered in her eyes. Her expression went dead, and she gave Emily a look of absolute seriousness. "There isn't a word for what he did to me." She whispered quietly. "He took me out to the woods, and he got rid of me."

"Oh my god." Emily covered her mouth with her hand. _No. He buried her. He buried her. No._

"At first everything was just black…I couldn't…I couldn't see. I could barely hear. The dirt…it was crushing me." Alison took a shallow breath, trying to tell her story without crying.

"Your mom…she saw what he did?" Emily asked incredulously. _She saw him hit her. Why didn't she help her? _

"Why didn't she tell the police?" Hanna asked.

Ali looked into Emily's eyes with the saddest expression the brunette had ever seen. She gave a melancholy smile, and her eyes brimmed with new tears. Emily's heart sank. _Please…no. Don't say it, Ali. Oh, God._

"She helped him." Alison laughed, but her laughter quickly gave way to a torrent of tears which flooded down her face as her resolve finally broke. Emily reached out, and pulled Alison into a tight embrace. She held her as close as humanly possible, and never wanted to let go. Ali cried into her shoulder as she wrapped both arms around the blonde. Emily felt her heart break for Ali. _Her mother and her father did this to her. This is the most awful thing imaginable. Poor Ali. How the hell can this be fixed. She'll never get over this. She must have felt so abandoned and betrayed._

Ali pulled back and wiped at her eyes. Her voice was thick with emotion. "She thought I was dead." She choked out. "I could hear them talking. I was trying to tell them I was alive. When I first realised she was there…I tried to get her attention." She cried harder, and the girls could hardly understand what she was saying through her anguished voice. "I was _screaming_…God can't you see me? Can't you see me breathing? _Look at me!" _

Emily's own tears fell freely from her face as she held on to Alison's hand as tightly as she could. In her entire life, she had never seen someone in so much distress.

"The words couldn't come out…" Ali continued. "I couldn't _move_."

_Fuck. Oh god this is unimaginable. All this time I knew it was serious, but I never thought it could be anything like this. She's broken, she's completely broken. _Emily thought. Her heart beat rapidly inside her chest as her emotion threatened to spill over. Alison's vulnerability in that moment scared her. She looked as fragile as glass, and Emily felt as if she was watching her break apart.

Emily's heart couldn't watch Alison cry any more. She reached out, not caring what the others would think, and cupped Alison's cheek with her hand. In that moment…she just needed to touch her. She just needed her to know she was there "Ali…we arehere for you, okay. We are _all _here for you." She said with as much resolve as she could. She felt Alison's tears under the palm of her hand and wiped them away with her thumb.

"You should have told us. You didn't have to keep this a secret." Aria said from across the room. "We support you all the way, Ali. Always."

Alison looked to Aria with gratitude.

"God…I can't believe your mom buried you alive." Hanna said through her own tears. Her voice was one of disbelief. "What they did to you…is inexcusable."

"Are you sure that she thought you were dead?" Emily asked.

"I don't think they cared at that point. They could have helped me…_she _could have helped me. She didn't. She let it go too far, and when my father finally snapped…she chose him over me. Wether she knew I was alive or dead when they buried me out in those woods, I stopped being a daughter to her a long time ago. I was dead to her a _long_ long time ago." Ali said with a voice laced with deep sadness.

"How did you get out? If you were buried alive? How'd you get out?" Spencer finally spoke.

"I don't know…" Ali answered honestly. "I thought I was dead for the longest time. When I could finally move again…it was like the dirt was _everywhere _inside my body. I was…I was choking on it…" She struggled to explain. "I couldn't breathe…the dirt was in my eyes…" She clutched her chest suddenly, her breathing taking an uneven turn. "I…I couldn't breathe…I can't…" Ali took a ragged, strained breath. Her eyes looked to Emily with an expression of alarm. "Em…" She pleaded desperately.

"It's alright. Ali…calm down. It's okay." Emily soothed, moving her hand to Alison's back. "Just breathe. You're okay. You're in a safe place. You don't ever have to go through that again."

Cece looked worried. "Yeah, you know what. Good plan. Let's skip this part of the story. She dug herself out. That's that. She doesn't need to relive it." Alison's friend stated sternly. She walked over to the bed and unfolded her arms. "She's pushed herself too much. That's enough now. Ali, you don't have to explain any more." Cece said sharply. She looked down at her friend with sisterly concern.

Emily nodded in Ali's direction, indicating that Cece was right. She was clearly emotionally exhausted, and Emily didn't want to cause her to panic. She could clearly see now why Alison had been so nervous in the warehouse. The entire story was absolutely traumatic to hear, let alone live through. She didn't know how anyone could have coped with what happened. Ali had always had a strong character though, and Emily was secretly grateful for that fact in that moment. Faced with the same situation herself, she wasn't sure she'd have been able to get through it.

_I will keep you safe, Ali. I will make sure you're okay. I will find a way to take away this pain, if it's the last thing I ever do…I'll look after you. _

"I'll never be done explaining." Ali said, wiping at her eyes again with her spare hand. The other still clutched tightly to Emily's fingers. "I don't even know where to go from here. What to do…" She looked utterly lost. "I have to get used to telling this story."

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to." Spencer said from the corner of the room. "You have us now. Whatever happens, we are all in this together. We will find a way to deal with it. However you want us to." She looked angry, but not at Alison, for once. Emily was surprised to hear her defend Ali with such conviction. It was a rare thing to hear a good word leave Spencer's lips in regard to the blonde, and to hear her support Ali was even rarer. She was usually the polar opposite opinion to whatever Alison was doing or saying.

Alison looked over at Spencer with surprise, and gratitude. "That means a lot. Thank you." She said with a sincere smile. She seemed to have got over the worst of her breakdown. She was still crying, but it wasn't as frantic, now.

"Ali…" Emily whispered. "What do you want us to to?"

"Right now…nothing. I just…I don't think I can go through this again right now. I _know_ I have to face this, but I don't think I can handle any more tonight." Ali said. "Right now I'm just glad to have you guys back. I missed you so much."

"We missed you too." Aria said. Emily could see where her tears had left mascara tracks down her face, and wondered if her own eyes looked the same. Alison's story had been gut wrenching to hear, and she didn't know how anybody could listen to it and not believe it. There was no way the police would think she was lying. There was just no way anybody could ignore how much pain Ali was clearly in.

**THIRTY MINUTES LATER**

They had decided as a group that they would let Alison take the time she needed to decide what to do. Aria and Hanna would go home, and try and keep an ear out for any sign that people might know Alison was still alive. Emily doubted that they would hear anything. As far as she was aware, the only person who had figured out how to find Alison was Spencer. But Spencer was one of a kind. There shouldn't be any suspicion from anyone else. Nobody had seen Ali at the graveyard and as long as they could keep her hidden, nobody would find out she was back.

Emily knew that there were still a lot of unanswered questions. She knew that the conversation with Alison was far from over, but as she said goodbye to Hanna and Aria at the door, she realised that at least she wouldn't be dealing with it on her own. They would _all_ help Alison. Her heart had broken after hearing Ali's story. This girl…this strong girl, had been reduced to this because of what had been done to her. Emily was livid, but she knew she had to contain it. She had to deal with it the right way, for Alison's sake. She couldn't believe that after two long years of being apart, she had finally found out the reason _why _Ali had left her behind_. _Ali hadn't abandoned her. She left because she had no choice. Emily knew that this was undoubtedly the truth. She could see the emotion pouring from Alison's body as she had told her story, and she knew that her actions had all been through genuine fear.

Spencer left the apartment in a daze. Emily was surprised to see her embrace Ali as she left. She didn't think she had ever seen the two of them hug, but there was a kinship there now. There was a _reason _to be close. Not only did they share a brother, but they also shared the knowledge that no matter what happens, your friends will always be there for you. Despite her anger, and her trust issues with Alison, Spencer had still kept her word. She hadn't told the police, and Emily could see how deeply Alison appreciated that. The two girls parted on good terms, for once. Spencer had offered Emily a lift home, but the brunette had decided to stay for a little bit. There was no part of her that wanted to leave Alison again. She was too afraid she'd lose her for good.

Cece stepped towards the door of the apartment. "I need some air. That was pretty…intense." She said wearily.

_Yeah. Intense isn't the word. _Emily thought. _This whole night has been heartbreaking. _

"You gonna be okay, kid?" Cece asked Alison.

Ali gave a tiny smile. She nodded, and gave Cece a look of gratitude.

"I'll be right back. Just…well…I'll leave you two alone for a little bit. I'm sure you're all talked out, but I'm sure you'll find something to do." Cece said coyly, and Emily couldn't help but wonder if her words were slightly tainted with innuendo. She never could tell with Cece, she was always so dry with her humour.

Ali cleared her throat. Emily saw her glare at Cece out of the corner of her eye.

Cece opened the door and left the two girls alone in the room. The silence was thick. There had been so many people there, it was strange to suddenly be alone again.

Emily ran her hands through her hair. Her eyes hurt from crying, and she was exhausted. She felt a familiar nervousness settle in, as she always did when she was alone with Alison. She could feel the blonde watching her carefully, and she suddenly didn't know where to look.

"Are…are you going to be okay?" Emily asked. _Such a stupid question. Of course she's not._

"Umm…I guess that's to be decided. Right now…" Ali trailed off. "Right now I am." She sighed. "I think."

"Do you…need anything?" Emily inquired. She was trying desperately not to think about their kiss in the warehouse, but it was becoming harder and harder to force it from her mind. They hadn't spoken about it, and it had been too quickly interrupted. It had all been over too soon, and Emily had thought about it every second in the car ride over. Ali was the only thing she wanted in the whole world, and to have her within arms reach was torturous. She knew she could have completely misread the signs from the kiss they had shared earlier that night, but she couldn't be sure she _wasn't _misreading them, either. Ali was still an enigma to her.

Ali walked a little closer towards where Emily was standing. She took slow, careful steps. "I need…" She whispered. Emily's heart hammered inside her chest.

The two girls locked eyes, and Ali's sadness seemed to dissipate the second she looked at Emily. "You." Alison said truthfully. She stood directly in front of Emily now, her tear stained face looked up expectantly. Her eyes seemed to hold a question, but Emily couldn't tell what it was that she was asking.

_Me? She needs me. You have me, Ali. You have me always._

"I'm here. I'm _right _here." Emily said sincerely.

Ali's proximity was starting to cloud Emily's mind. She could feel the bruising kiss from hours before still pressed against her lips, and her body trembled slightly as the slow burn ignited inside her again. Her breathing was shallow as she recalled the feel of Alison's hand against her hip, and it took everything in her not to reach out and press their lips together once more. She knew it shouldn't be what she should be thinking about at that moment, but it was, regardless.

Ali seemed to be equally as affected. Emily watched her move ever closer, still, until their bodies were only an inch apart. Ali never took her eyes away from Emily, and pulled her into an intense gaze.

_I need to stop this. This isn't going to help anything. This isn't going to make things less confusing. This is going to make everything worse. _Emily thought, but in that moment, while she was so very close to having what she so desperately wanted, it was hard to convince herself to pull away. So she didn't.

Emily's head swam with dizziness as she tried to force herself to step back. She couldn't. Not while Ali was in front of her like that. It was impossible. She could feel the heat from Ali's body, and her heart refused to leave it. She was so close that it was almost too much to bear.

Ali suddenly turned her head, and looked backwards, towards the double bed. Her eyes lingered there for the longest of moments. When she slowly turned her head back to Emily, her eyes were dark, and full of an emotion that Emily couldn't place.

Emily swallowed, hard. Her heart hammered inside her body, and she could feel a rush of excitement, and nervousness slam into her as she tried to calculate Alison's thoughts. She felt Ali's hand touch her own, at her side, and her eyes looked down as their fingers intertwined softly. The touch was gentle, and so, so intimate. Emily let out a shaky breath as she felt tingles shoot from their joined fingertips, straight to between her legs. She blushed. Her shy eyes glanced up and met Alison's once more. The gaze they now shared was deeply charged, and heated. Emily felt her face flush, and her breathing faltered.

"Stay." Ali whispered huskily. "Will you stay here?"

Emily glanced at the bed behind Alison's shoulder. Her mind was blank, apart from a singular thought: _I've always been here. I've been here all along. I was just waiting for you._

**AUTHORS NOTE: so! That was Ali finally having an actual chat lol I hope you guys liked it I'm a little nervous because I know I've been away for a while so my writing might be a little rusty that's why this chapter was shorter I just wanted to make sure you guys were still enjoying it and that you are all okay with where the story is at! Like usual if there's anything you guys want to see any scenes etc or lines from the show please let me know and I'll try and include them! You guys help me write this you really do! I wouldn't know which direction to take it without you so thank you so much! Also: just a heads up, the story is rated M so there will be sex! Just warning you guys because it won't be toned down it'll be full on so if anyone isn't okay with that sort of thing I'm just putting a warning out now! I've got a lot more to come! I will do Alison being attacked in the house, 5x05 and a lot of the scenes around that episode. They might be slightly in a different context but I hope you guys like them all the same! **

**It's so good to be back! I missed you all so much! And hello to all the new readers it's great to meet you! I really hope you all liked that chapter even though it was just a few scenes! I always get so nervous about posting lol! Thank you to every single person who took the time to leave a comment, it means the world! My Twitter is hauntedtwilight come say hi! Xx love you all**


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